Consign Me Not to Darkness
by msj2779
Summary: Bella has just escaped from the grasp of a torturous relationship and she finds herself in the slums of Chicago. She's a shadow of who she used to be and has the anxiety to go with it. With some help, she finds hope... AH B E. Some dark situations.
1. Prologue

_**Summary: Bella has just escaped from the grasp of a torturous relationship and she finds herself in the slums of Chicago. She's a shadow of who she used to be and has the anxiety to go with it. With some unexpected help from her atypical neighbors, she learns that hope can come from the craziest places.**_

**_While this is a story of hope and growth, there will be some dark scenes; however I don't feel it's necessary to go into too much detail. The Prologue is very detailed so that Bella's fear is made obvious. If you are sensitive to any kind of abuse, avoid this story. _**

**_Thanks Softragoo for your never-ending support and delicious bubbles. The pics. of jawporn don't hurt either. C'mon. Don't play dumb. You ALL know what I'm talking about..._**

**_Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer is the genius who invented these characters. I'm a pitiful example of a fan with a worthless hobby and too much time._**

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><p><em><strong>Consign Me Not to Darkness<strong>_

_**Prologue**_

The smell of mold and dirt filled my nose as I shut the door behind me, locking the loose bolt. The apartment was clearly falling to pieces before me and God knows what slithered inside the walls and through the cupboards. The floor was covered in stained tan carpet and the curtains—which had thankfully been left by the previous renter—were once white lace but had turned yellow from years of cigarette exposure.

I would need furniture, a mattress, and some cooking utensils—no big deal. There were plenty of second hand shops in Chicago which I would visit when my hands stopped shaking and my teeth quit chattering. What I needed now was a few days to let it all sink in; let my environment settle me into a routine of awareness before I ventured out into the city.

With concrete legs and flushed cheeks, I walked silently to the farthest corner of the room where I could watch the door. Using my fingers, I swiped at the empty cobwebs before plopping down on my bottom. The cold plaster against my back felt good. I dug a cheeseburger out of my bag and unwrapped it. I took in its clobbered appearance, wondering if that was how I looked. All pretty on paper but disgusting when my layers were peeled off.

"What am I gonna do?" I asked the burger, my nail-bitten fingers picking at the soggy bun.

The burger had no reply so I bit into it. Ketchup dribbled down my chin and onto my lap. It didn't matter. Ketchup was a relief considering it was usually blood that flowed down my chin, and onto my clothes.

After half the sandwich sat like a rock in my stomach, I threw it in the bag and stared at my new apartment. My first place. It had promise with its tiny cute kitchen and one person shower. It needed a good scrubbing but I wasn't one to shy away from bleach. Bleach and I were old friends. Two peas in a pod, bleach and me.

Money wasn't a problem since I'd had the money that my parents had given me for graduation. If I'd waited a week to leave, I would have had nothing so I seized the opportunity. Two days ago, I'd packed some clothes and anything that held any meaning for me—pictures, evidence of my degree, jewelry that had been given to me by my Mom—and walked out the door. After some tricky maneuvering on my part, I found myself at the ticket counter at a bus station in Missouri. At the bus depot, I found a map of the country and closed my eyes. With my finger, I blindly picked my destination which turned out to be Chicago. Chicago was as good as anywhere else—he'd never suspect it. Using my own identification and credit cards would be impossible.

Luckily, I had found the perfect landlord by way of a forgotten newspaper on a bench at the bus station. Arthur LIvingston was greedy and in debt up to his eyeballs. He allowed me to rent the place out with six months advanced payment plus double security deposits if it meant that I would never have to sign any papers or show him I.D.

"This is illegal, you know?" His second chin shook as he gasped for breath between steps. "You're not wanted for anything, right?"

I tried to keep a neutral but slightly shocked face as I shook my head.

He stared at me for a long time as he chewed on my proposition then he answered, "Okay, as long as the six grand is paid in cash, it's a deal. I just don't want any trouble."

My hand twitched because I had wanted to give him the Scout's honor as I promised, "No trouble from me, sir."

And I fully intended to keep that promise because any trouble that would happen in this building would come from someone else. Sure, I would possibly be the cause but it was out of my hands. I just had to be smart enough to make sure trouble didn't find me.

I would have to reserve the cleaning for tomorrow because the sun was setting. The dark had always unnerved me. I remember waking up in the dead of night when I was little, the shadows of the night producing images in my creative head: A man in the corner which turned out to be my jacket hung carelessly on the corner of my wardrobe, a three headed monster that sprung out of my rocker, noises from deep under my bed. Most nights, I'd stay calm and tuck myself into my bedspread, convinced that if I couldn't see them, they couldn't see me. However, other nights, when I'd toss and turn myself into an anxious oblivion, I'd scream for my father. At first, he'd run in and calm me down with pats of his hand to my hair but when he discovered that most of my screams were results of an overactive imagination, he'd stomp in with his shoulders slumped and explain reality to me. Eventually, he got me a night light which decreased my screams by half.

Now, the darkness held deeper, more sinister threats.

My first purchase for my new digs would be a lamp and some light bulbs for the overhead lights. No question.

But for tonight, I wouldn't sleep, couldn't sleep. The door needed to be watched because there was no way in hell I'd be taken by surprise. Surprise attacks were the worst: A punch in the gut as I lay down to sleep for the night or a slap in the face after I'd taken my first bite of dinner. The past few months had been easier because I'd began to understand the madness to his methods. Each punishment—except for the sexual variety—hadn't been random but a lesson learned. I had misbehaved, humiliated him, or forgot my manners so I had to be taught.

I remembered the nights of laying skin against skin with him. Sometimes, I'd plot it out in my head how I would get away from him, only to wake up the next morning with the usual contraptions around my wrists or my ankle. He was insane and sick and twisted in ways that I never knew existed. There were times when he'd look at me with soft eyes and a warm grin that made me wonder if he actually cared about me. But he didn't hesitate to force me to entertain his guests or cook some extravagant dinner within an hour of notice. He'd set me up to fail just so that he could inflict pain and humiliation. The warmth of his expression would fade into a maniacal and disturbing force of sick human nature. Predator versus Prey. It was what rocked his world.

In fact, he didn't seem to enjoy it if my screams stayed trapped in my throat so I learned to let them loose, laced with agony and submission. Although, there were times when he'd finish with me and apologize in a smooth voice, telling me that he hated to see me in pain. Then he'd grab me and hold onto me, as if he thought his embrace was the least bit comforting.

The worst part was that I moved with him. Willingly. I wasn't forced on that bus. My bags were packed by my own hand and I hugged my Dad with a smile on my face and a breaking heart. It wasn't what I wanted but it was the path my life had chosen at the time. So, so stupid…

The door to the front of the apartment building slammed shut and I held in a yelp. My cheeks were wet with unconscious tears and my hands were clasped around my knees, shaking. My back pressed eagerly against the cold plaster wall behind me. Heavy footsteps pounded down the hall and stopped at my door.

_Oh, my God…Oh, my God…oh, my God…_

I stayed silent, my fight or flight response causing my muscles to constrict in every inch of my body. When the shadow beneath the door disappeared, and the heavy footsteps continued, I let out a hushed sob and closed my eyes.

Then I snapped them back open. Just because the door wasn't broken down didn't mean that wasn't him. I took a deep breath as I mentally chastised myself for letting my guard down. It would be a long night if I let my emotions control me. I had to stay smart and balanced, just like him or I would never make it.

The sound of another door creaking open across the hall made me jump. Then a voice, female and young, broke the silence. I'd seen the girl's pale face peeking out at me from the crack of her open door. She was pale and her eyes curious.

"Hey, would you mind taking a look at my kitchen faucet? The fucker is leaking again."

Was it the landlord? Perhaps, he'd found me out and wanted to profit off of my situation. After all, I'd presented him with six thousand dollars in cash; I must have had more, right? I shook my head at myself, thinking that it would have been impossible for him to realize why I was here.

A male voice answered, too low and soft to belong to the Arthur Livingston. I couldn't make out what he said but the female wasn't too happy about it.

"It's been leaking all day! You told me that you'd come over tonight and fix it! The fucking thing is going to drip all night!"

The man must have been her neighbor. Immediately, I felt sorry for him because obviously this wasn't the first time he'd been hit up for a favor from this woman.

He murmured a muffled reply.

"Damn it!" she replied.

The sound of her door slamming forced a squeak out of me and my back hit the wall as I flinched. Pain from my battle scars shot up my spine and I cringed. Another door creaked open and clicked shut. Then silence. Dark, and disturbing silence.

I stared hard at the door, my eyes adjusted to the darkness. The grains of the wood almost looked like a face. Indentations of rough inhabitants and graffiti gave the face a hard look as if it were laughing evilly at me. As if it expected something bad to happen to me and it wouldn't do a thing to help me.

My hands turned into fists and I pulled my knees closer to my chest. It was June but the plaster on my back felt cold and my body ached from shivering. Sleep. All I wanted was a long night of uneventful, restful sleep. Tomorrow, maybe…

Fog covered over my thoughts as my eyelids grew heavy. I had been sitting there for hours, in the dark and watching the evil door grin at my misery. Nothing had happened but if something were to happen, it would come much later. My only coherent thought was a tug of war between "he knows where I am" and "there's no way he knows".

With all my strength zapped from my body, I let my eyelids close but my brain remained alert to every noise.

"Just for a moment," I thought to myself, "I just need to close my eyes for…"

The sound of the doorknob rattling made my head jerk up. Silence. Had I really heard it or was it something my brain had conjured up because I was so deathly afraid of that very sound? The brain is a magical and dangerous thing.

I sat for a moment, holding my breath and staring at the wicked grin of the ingrained wooden door. For several seconds nothing happened—just silence, save for my slow shaky exhales. Then three soft taps on my door made my heart pick up its pace; my stomach clenched and my skin suddenly felt too tight.

It happened again—three more soft taps; my first gut reaction was to hide somewhere, anywhere. A closet. A cupboard. Behind one of those ugly nicotine stained curtains. But my body sat frozen in that corner, too frightened to fight and willing to take the beating. I never had been one to hide.

My legs found strength from God knows where and I pushed my back against the wall, using it for balance as I slid into a standing position. Pain raked through my palms as my fingernails broke skin. My breaths came in short, soft pants. My body flinched as the sound of paper crumpling filled the room. I panicked, my body twisting internally with tension and my mind flashing through the hours of torment that I'd gone through the past nine months. The sound was coming from inside the room. My pupils ached as I widened my eyes on my surroundings: The kitchen, the hallway, the empty living room. Nothing.

I'd kill myself before I went back, I'd told myself. I'd drink bleach. Hang myself. Jump into Lake Michigan and never resurface. But I had no bleach, no rope and Lake Michigan was miles away.

Maybe I'd get lucky and he'd be so angry that he'd kill me, here and now. Perhaps, he'd brought his semi-automatic—the one he carries on his hip—and blow my brains out on this tan, stained carpet. I imagined my Dad getting a phone call; he'd wonder what I was doing in Chicago and why I hadn't called him. I envisioned him breaking down, falling to his knees at the loss of his only daughter to such an act of violence.

If he only knew that I'd be better off.

I clasped my hand over my mouth as I focused on the door. Something was blocking the hallway light from coming in through the crack between the wood and the carpet. There was something there; a piece of paper—a note that had been pushed into my apartment.

Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I stared at the unwelcomed inanimate visitor. It just sat there, under the wicked grin of the door, waiting to be read.

I'd wait until morning. I wouldn't be able to read it anyway, in the darkness of the apartment. There was still a chance that he had found me and this was part of his game. Watch stupid Bella take the bait.

I'd read in books that people have these out of body experiences. It wasn't that I didn't believe in them but I found the possibility very inconceivable. There were many times that I prayed to escape my physical form—not exactly wish for death, but pray for mercy to come take hold of me and transport my senses to some far away place where pain does not exist. Mercy never showed and the pain never relented.

But as I stood there, cowering in the dark, I found myself displaced. It was as if I was seeing myself for the first time and it frightened me more than anything. Somewhere between Seattle and Oklahoma, I had lost myself. When I lived in Washington, I spoke my mind and I had dreams. I didn't fear paper notes. I didn't shake at the slightest sound. He had broken my insides into pieces and tossed them carelessly out the window.

I was pathetic.

It dawned on me that he could be hundreds of miles away and his hand was still firmly grasped round my wrist; his fingers still misusing my body and his anger still ruling my actions.

With determination, I took a step…then two…then three…then I lost count as I focused on the note. I grabbed it up, and walked backward to my corner where it seemed warmer and safer and more comfortable. _My__corner_.

The white paper was subconsciously crumpled in my hand when my rear hit the floor. I held it in front of me, wondering if I'd open it up and, with the help of the nearby streetlamp, read a big fat "Gotcha!" My hands shook as I unfolded the note once, then twice. I held it up to the window and I could barely make out the writing:

"_Let me know if you're interested in babysitting,_

_Rose – Apt. 3"_

I sighed and let a sob escape from my throat after I'd read it, and then I allowed myself to close my eyes.

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><p><em><strong>AN: Like I said, lots of angst but it gets lighter. I hope you'll join me on this insane adventure... :-)**_


	2. OneNew beginnings

_**Thanks SR for all the love and support. You always set me straight. **_

_**Disclaimer: SM is the queen and I'm the joker**_

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><p>I groaned as the sound of a ringing phone brought me out of much needed REM sleep. Deep sleep wasn't common for me and when it happened, I treasured every moment of it. After weeks of not having my own phone, I didn't recognize the nearness of the sound. I had gotten a cell phone that didn't require a plan so I wouldn't have to worry about the phone company announcing my location. If it weren't for my need to find a job, I wouldn't even worry about a phone but I needed income. My savings was withering and it gnawed on me to know that the money I had stashed away was wearing thin.<p>

The phone stopped ringing just as I climbed off the mattress and I padded into the living room. It beeped once, indicating that I had a message. The only ones who had my phone number were places where I had filled out applications-nothing fancy: A diner down the street and a couple of grocery stores. Everything had to be within walking distance so I didn't have many options. A car certainly wasn't in my budget, even a clunker with engine problems.

Letting out a yawn, I checked my voicemail and listened to a message from the Office Manager at Crazy Jim's leave his return number. They were interested in an interview. The second message was from the diner. I wasn't sure how I was going to get away with working and not pinpointing my location but I didn't have the resources or the guts for fake identification. My Dad was a police chief for God's sake and no matter how ridiculous it sounded, breaking the law made me feel like I was twisting a knife in his chest. He would already be angry that I didn't come to Forks and trust in his protection—if he ever found out.

It had been a month since I'd left Oklahoma. I was sure that there were missing persons reports and I'd wanted to call my Dad several times to let him know I was fine. Each time I picked up the phone, I'd fold it closed. What if the bastard was somehow listening? I wasn't stupid. I knew these cheap pre-paid cell phones weren't traceable but I couldn't bear the thought of him listening to the conversation I'd have with my father. There had been several times he'd threatened my family.

"_If you even think about trying to leave, I'll put a bullet in your daddy's brain before you can blink… I'll make sure your pompous mommy understands how wives are supposed to act before I slide a knife into her windpipe. Don't think I won't, Bella. Don't think I fucking wont."_

What if he followed through on those threats? The thought had made me submissive to him and it tore me down, month after month until any internal strength I'd had, was shattered. I couldn't protect them anymore; I couldn't make sure they were safe by remaining in Oklahoma so the next best thing was to excavate me from their lives.

The job situation was surely a conundrum. Would I be able to convince an employer to break the law so that I could remain under the radar? Probably, not.

After a quick shower, I dried my hair and dressed in my best outfit which was black slacks and a dark blue blouse. I ate a granola bar and downed a glass of milk and headed out the door. My apartment had grown into a safety net for me and each time I crossed the threshold, my nerves shot into my throat. Looking in corners, staring at closed doors, and giving tall bushes a good glare was how I made it in the outside world.

Chicago was amazing and I felt myself get lost on the streets of downtown. People shuffled past me, talking on cell phones and texting on their Blackberries. They didn't give me a second glance. It made me feel safe to be amongst the pedestrians of the business world, going with the flow of traffic even though I had no where to be. Lost in the shuffle.

I was a half mile away from my house when I spotted a sign that pointed toward some outdoor steps along the side of a building: _Blossom__'__s__Bookshelf_. My mouth watered at the idea of holding a paperback in my hand once again. In Oklahoma, I wasn't allowed to read unless it was pre-approved which meant that all romances, fiction, and science fiction were prohibited in our home. Biographies and non-fiction weren't really my thing but I drank them in when I could.

Fighting my urge to run down those steps and never resurface, I kept walking until I reached Crazy Jim's food mart. People hustled out with bags around their wrists and unlocked their cars with the push of a button on their key chains. It was a small store but I still didn't think I had a chance of explaining my situation to them and coming out of it with a job. Asking a business to break the law on my behalf wasn't a fine point—perhaps I should have included that on my resume. I wasn't sure why I had even bothered to apply—I'd never be able to work at a place like that without the fear of him finding me.

The bastard was still running my life. He had me by the throat and was slowly squeezing the life out of me.

I made my way down the sidewalk of downtown, bumping shoulders with strangers and hearing bits of their conversations. My eyes searched the small storefronts for Help Wanted signs. If I were to find a small shop where the owner was at the premises, I might have had a chance to convince them. Then, I'd be taking a chance that they'd turn me in. I'd have to evasive about my situation.

My feet ached and my stomach growled by the time I turned back toward my apartment. When I reached _Blossom__'__s__Bookshelf,_ I didn't have the heart to ignore it. I needed an escape, if only for an hour.

The concrete steps were steep and a bell rang out announcing my arrival when I walked through the heavy door. There were shelves of books, some old and some new. The shop was bigger than I thought it would be, given it was located in the basement. It was clean and tidy but books were crammed in tight to their temporary homes on the shelves. I took a deep inhale and closed my eyes.

"Can I help you?"

The soft feminine voice made me jump and my eyes shot open. A middle aged woman with dark hair and the hint of a smile on her face looked at me questioningly.

"I'm just looking," I told her, directing my eyes to the floor. "Thank you, though."

Out of my peripheral, I could see her shift on her feet but I kept my eyes glued to the floor. She didn't make me nervous but I hadn't earned her eye contact, yet.

"Okay, then," she said, softly. "Let me know if you need help finding something."

I smiled and nodded at the floor, watching my feet as they carried me toward the rear of the shop. As if they were a magnet, I found myself in the romance section. I ran a fingertip over the smooth spines, and suddenly, it all made sense to me. This was why I had left four weeks ago. I could buy one of these, if I wanted to. I could read it and get lost in the adventure of too-perfect men and big-busted women. Nothing was stopping me. If I wanted, I could wander over to Crazy Jim's and buy a gallon of ice cream for dinner. I could cut off all my jeans and only wear shorts. I could leave dirty dishes in the sink for days. I could sing in the shower. I could spill something on the floor and clean it up with a smile on my face. This was what freedom felt like.

"Have you read the latest Nora Roberts?" a voice said from behind me.

I jumped out of my skin and felt my hand cover my stomach. I found myself looking into her eyes, blue and confused at my reaction to her question.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I thought you knew I was behind you."

"Oh, it's okay," I offered. "My mind goes blank when I'm in the presence of literature."

She pulled out a book that my fingertip had just recently grazed: _The__Scotsman__and__The__Virgin._My face flushed and I cleared my throat as I sensed her smile.

"My mind goes blank when I'm reading this stuff, too," she countered. "Are you a romance junkie?"

"I'm an any-kind-of-fiction junkie," I answered.

"Same here," she said with a laugh. "My husband thinks I'm out of my mind to keep my nose stuffed into these kinds of books,"—she held up _The__Scotsman__and__The__Virgin_ and wiggled it in there air—"but he doesn't complain when the lights go out, if you know what I mean. Sometimes, these things are like instruction manuals."

My laugh was fake and shaky. I didn't have the experience to back up an agreement.

"I'm Esme," she said, offering her hand. I met her eyes and took it, shaking it as she gave my appearance a once over.

"Bella," I replied. "I'm glad I found this place. It's…amazing."

She looked around as if she were seeing it for the first time. As she focused on her surroundings, I looked at her face. There was sadness to her expression, even though a small smile graced her lips. Worry lines had taken up permanent residence between her brows and crow's feet highlighted the edges of her eyes. She was beautiful and I thought about how nice it would be to tell her everything. Esme seemed like the type who'd know just what to say; she'd whisper encouraging words in my ear as I let it all go. Of course, appearances were deceiving.

"Yeah, it is pretty amazing that we've come this far."

I felt like I was invading a private moment as her gaze washed over the bookshelves and past the check out counter, so I looked away.

"I'll be in the back if you need me," she finally said, and then smiled at me.

I returned her smile and proceeded to look around. Within ten minutes, I had my arms full of a variety of books—all of them fiction. When I delivered them to the counter, they toppled over like an avalanche.

"Wow!" Esme exclaimed. "You really found some good ones, huh?"

"I hope so," I told her. "Books stores are like a drug addiction for me. I'll need to find a job just to keep up with my literature habit."

It was a lame joke but she laughed politely.

She started scanning my books, her eyes glancing over at me occasionally. It made me nervous. I wondered how I looked to her, all scrawny and pale and shaking like a leaf.

"How long have you been in Chicago?" she asked, punching something into the cash register.

My mouth fell open a little as I wondered how she knew I was new to the area.

"You just don't have that born-and-raised-in-the-city look about you," she offered, answering my unspoken question.

I sighed. "I've been here about a month," I replied.

She was silent for a minute before speaking again. "And you're looking for work in the city?"

"I'm trying to, anyway," I said.

After clearing her throat she announced the total. I gave her cash and she punched it into the cash register.

"Would you like to work here?"

My eyes widened and my mouth fell open a little as she deposited my change in my hand. It would physically hurt to turn down her offer.

"I…I …" I stuttered. Heat rushed to my cheeks and my ears burned as she eyed me with curiously narrowed eyes.

"It's okay, Bella, if you don't want to work here. I just thought…"

"No! I'd love it! Are you kidding? It would be perfect for me."

She cocked her head in question and I licked my lips nervously. My mouth had gone desert dry and my throat ached as I swallowed. I looked around the store nervously, even though I knew there was no one else around.

"I…I've gotten into some trouble and…and if I…"

She cut me off, laying her hand on top of mine. "I know a troubled soul when I see one, Bella. If you need this job, we'll work around it."

My dry throat tightened and my chest ached at her kind words. I wanted to hug her and feel her arms around me, cry into her shoulder, ease myself into her embrace. It was crazy since I'd just met the woman. I'd also never been one to give affection, even to my own family.

"You could get into trouble if you hired me," I told her.

She quirked an eyebrow and asked, "Is it the law that is looking for you?"

That was a tough question since I wasn't sure if the law was looking for me. If they were, it wasn't in the sense that she inquired about so I shook my head.

"There's someone else you're hiding from?"

The skin on my face tightened and I let out a shaky breath as I replied, "Yes."

"Do you want to work here?"

"More than anything." It was the truth.

"When can you start?" she asked.

"Now," I answered, curtly.

She laughed. "How about tomorrow morning at eight."

I smiled at her and grabbed my bag of books off the counter. "Should I fill out an application?"

"Nah," she said, waving a hand at me. "We'll do a verbal application tomorrow when I'm training you."

"If you decide that I'm not qualified, you can tell me and I won't be offended."

"Well, you can obviously read so if you can push buttons on the cash register machine, I think you're qualified."

When I reached the front steps of my apartment building, I was smiling so hard that I forgot who I was and what I was running from. As I walked into the front door, I ran into a large rock that had been standing on the other side. With a bounce, I stumbled back and a hand grasped my arm to keep me from falling.

I panicked. The feel of firm, strong fingers wrapped around my bicep brought pain to my mind. I brought my other arm up to shield my face and my knees bent in an attempt to curl my body up in a tight little ball. The grasp on my elbow tightened as I tried to go down and I whimpered.

"What the…what's wrong with you?" a male voice grumbled. "I'm just trying to keep you from falling."

The voice was familiar but it didn't belong to the monster that chased me in my dreams and beat me in reality. I peeked up, between my fingers and found narrowed, confused eyes staring at me. With hesitant movement, I straightened up and he slowly released his grip on my arm. My books had fallen to the floor and _The__Scotsman__and__The__Virgin_ had fallen out of the bag. Esme must have slipped that in when I wasn't looking. I was secretly glad—it was bound to be a good one to get lost in.

"The Scotsman and The…" he trailed off as he read the title, and his eyebrows twitched upward on his forehead. I took that moment to study his features which looked just about tense as his grip. His hair was reddish and messy, as if he had other things to concern himself with. A couple days worth of scruff grew on his straight jaw and his nose looked crooked, like mine. Must have broken it, I thought.

"Sorry, I grabbed you like that," he said, looking down at my arm.

I followed his gaze and realized that I was cradling my elbow in my opposite hand, like a mother would a baby. In that moment, there were many things I should have said like, "It's okay" or "Sorry for running into you" but none of them would come out of my mouth. My gut reaction was to get on my knees and clean up my mess which was what I did. My abdomen tensed instinctively, waiting for the brisk impact of the kick that may come.

My hands grabbed at the bag, shaking and not moving right, with him watching me. My fingers bent wrong and my hands pushed instead of pulled. When I had gotten myself together, I stood up and brushed my hair out of my face. I needed to get it cut. I hated it—always getting in my way. I decided right there that I'd do it tomorrow after work.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

My first mistake was letting my eyes meet his, seeing the obvious perplexity as they looked over my face. He was handsome. Too handsome, I told myself. Then I glanced at his broad shoulders then his firm chest that had almost concussed me. He was tall. In those gray work overalls, he looked like one of those serial killers on television that always gave me nightmares when I was a teenager. Michael…what was his name? All he needed was one of those white creepy masks and I would have peed my pants. When I watched his hand move from his side to the side of his face, I tried not to flinch but my instincts to protect myself took over. His hands were big, his fingers long. The power he could have over me with just the flick of his wrist sent a shudder down my spine. I swallowed hard.

"I'm fine," I told him and moved past him, careful not to disturb him as I made my way around him. He had a presence about him; like he owned the part of earth wherever he stood and you dared not touch it. Territorial.

He grumbled something and walked out the front door. My lungs released a breath and I practically ran to my front door. I shut it behind me and locked it before running to my corner. My back slid down the wall and I stared at the door, waiting for the man to come back. When he realized how weak I was, how easy I would be to overpower, he'd tear my door down and take what he could.

"Shit," I said, running my fingers through my hair. "I'm so damn crazy."

I knew I was irrational, stupid and so freaking tired of being afraid. All he had wanted to do was help me but all I could see was my fear. How did women who lived for years in fear, make it? I had been in my own personal hell for nine months and I was a paranoid weirdo. It wasn't like I could avoid men for the rest of my life. Deep down, I knew that a majority of men were good and kind and decent but all I could see them for was their strength. The Testosterone that made them want to own other people. There was a bit of that in every man, whether they knew it or not.

That night, instead of going to bed, I sat in my corner. For some reason, I felt safe as if I was secured in my own little bubble. If someone came busting through my door, I'd have first look at them. I wouldn't be surprised.

The next morning, I stretched away the aches and pains of cramped muscles as I showered. I dressed in khaki slacks and a nice blouse, hoping that the dress code was casual. Esme's clothes seemed casual enough so I followed her lead. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail, determined to get it cut off at the _Cut__ '__N__Go_ on my way home that day.

I arrived at _Blossom__'__s__Bookshelf_ fifteen minutes early. The door was still locked and the lights were off, so I waited on a bench nearby for Esme to arrive. Five minutes later, she was there, toting her purse and two coffees.

"You a coffee drinker, Bella?" she asked.

I wasn't an avid coffee fan but I nodded because she had gone through all the trouble to get me one. She smiled and thrust a cup toward me. I took it and took an enthusiastic sip. The hot liquid burnt my tongue but I held in the whimper as my taste buds flared up with pain.

"Ugh!" she groaned, "What a morning! Carlisle had to be up for a doctor's appointment and he's the biggest grouch in the mornings. You'd think I was pulling out his fingernails when I turned the bedroom light on."

"Is Carlisle your husband?" I asked.

"Yes, but he's sort of like a child, sometimes," she laughed. "Men are like trees; they take forever to grow up."

As she showed me around the shop, she told me about Carlisle and how they met in college. They were in the same Physiology class at The University of Chicago. He became a Pediatrician and Esme dabbled in different things, finally settling on being an Accountant. It was only five years ago they had purchased the little shop and turned it into a bookstore. They had wanted a coffee shop to be built inside but it was too small.

"It worked out nicely, though," she added. "A coffee shop has more health codes to work through where just a book shop is pretty easy to maintain. We don't do a ton of business but we do enough to get by."

As if on cue, an elderly woman placed a few books on the counter in front of us.

"Good morning, Mrs. Flecker! How are you today?" Esme asked.

The glasses that Mrs. Flecker had on her face had coke bottle lenses and tape around the nose piece. She smiled and showed off her remaining four teeth. Her white frizzy hair was pulled up into a bun and her jowls wobbled as she spoke.

"Oh, Esme, I'm doing all right," she said. "If they keep raising our property taxes, I'm not going to be able to afford all these books. I'm on a fixed income!"

Esme shot her a tight grin. "What are we going to do with all these politicians?"

We got another good look at her four teeth. "I'm going to start a petition! Would you sign it, Esme? No more property taxes?"

"You know I would, Mrs. Flecker! I'd sign all your petitions!" Esme winked at me and I grinned. "This is Bella, she's our new employee. Would you mind if she rang up your purchases today."

The elderly lady pursed her lips and gave it serious consideration. "Has she signed the confidentiality agreement?"

I frowned but Esme rolled with it. "Oh, absolutely!"

"I can't have my neighbors knowing that I like smutty romance novels. Edna McQueen would just love it if that got out. She'd start a rumor that,"—she leaned toward us and stage whispered, "I'm a trollop."

My eyebrows rose and I wanted to laugh. I bit the inside of my cheek and focused on the pain so that my face would remain sober.

"Our lips are sealed," Esme whispered.

Mrs. Flecker gave me another hard look but nodded once in allowance. Esme showed me how to ring up the books using the scanner and then how to total it out. It was fairly simple but oddly fun.

The rest of the day went smoothly and Esme told me that I did a wonderful job as I corded my purse strap over my head and onto my opposite shoulder.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Bella," she said, waving from behind the counter.

"Absolutely!" I said with a smile.

Just as I had promised myself, I stopped at the Cut 'N Go on the way home. I lost myself in a book as I waited for an available stylist. When my name was called, I hopped up and followed a plump, dark haired girl with flawless skin back to a chair.

"I'm Betty," she said, her gum popping on her molars. "What are you looking to do today?"

I looked at my reflection as I chewed on her question. The bags under my dull brown eyes were no surprise, and neither was my pale skin. My body was so small; I looked like a child sitting in that large barber seat. My hair swallowed me, hovering over my shoulders and along my back, weighing me down.

"I want to cut it off," I told her.

She stopped popping her gum and her eyes bugged out of her head as she looked at me. Her finger raked through the thick layers of brown hair and the tugging on my scalp only confirmed my decision. My hair had been used as a weapon against me, a makeshift mode of tying me down. I hated it.

"You sure? I mean, it must have taken years for this to grow. You really want to—"

"Please," I begged with a cracked voice, "Up to my shoulders is fine."

She sighed and grabbed her spray bottle off the counter. "I might need to wet it down over at the sink. Do you want layers or anything?"

Layers? Did I want layers? _Did_ I want layers? I smiled because it was my choice to make.

"Yeah, I think layers would be nice," I told her.

She looked at me funny then shrugged. "Okay, let's do it."

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><p><em><strong>AN: Love you all. Peace out.**_


	3. Chapter Two Lonely

_**A/N: Thanks for reading. I don't have a certain schedule for posting but I will at least post once a week. :-) The fact that a few of you that reviewed/alerted for this story came over from Awake My Soul makes me teary.**_

_**Thanks Softragoo for the never ending love and support.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight.**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Two<strong>___

I looked at my reflection and smiled for the first time in ages. The tips of my hair ended at my shoulders and I had asked for bangs. Bangs were apparently a really big deal because Betty had asked me if I was sure at least five times before she took the scissors to my forehead. She told me that if I wanted to look normal, I'd have to buy a curling iron or a straightener so that I could train my bangs to sit flat. Right now they were bunched up along my hairline and looking downright stupid. I decided to go with the headband until I got a straightener.

Esme had liked my hair. She told me that it framed my face and made me look older. Older, younger, I didn't care as long as I looked different. It wasn't about hiding from my past or keeping a low profile. It was about reclaiming my self.

On the lower floor of my apartment building, there were four apartments. Down the hall, on the opposite side, was Rose, who had slipped me the babysitting note on my first night. Next to her was a man whom I assumed was the scary-grey-overalls guy. When I had moved in, the apartment next door was empty until a few nights ago. A big man with tanned skin and a chest bigger than mine had moved in. He liked his music and he liked it loud. I wasn't complaining since I lacked my own radio, but he liked to play it at all hours of the night.

The night he had moved in, Rose had beat on his door until two in the morning, screaming about his music keeping her kids awake. He ignored her protests. Now, he was enjoying some Metallica—The Black Album. One of my favorites.

As I separated my laundry into piles on my bed, I sang along to Enter Sandman and shook my hips to the beat. I could understand Rose's argument but man, it was nice to have music. Silently, I wondered if he took requests. I could slip him a CD under the door, and hope that he took the hint.

After my laundry was separated, I pulled the basket to my chest and stood at the door. Deep cleansing breaths followed and I gathered up the nerve to exit my safe apartment. It was now livable, after I'd scrubbed every surface and set mouse traps. I heard one go off in the middle of the night and I hadn't built up the courage to go looking for the poor thing. As much as I wanted the mice gone, I couldn't bear to see one with its head all squished like a pumpkin that had taken a plunge off a three story building. I'd just have to wait until it started to smell.

There was no one in the hallway, which didn't surprise me. I could hear Rose yelling at one of her kids. The number of offspring she had living with her was questionable but there had to be at least two since she always phrased the label in the plural sense. The door across from mine—overall guy—was silent but even his door seemed threatening with its chipped paint and black metal doorknob.

Slowly, I went down the steps to the basement where two washing machines and two dryers sat for our convenience. Of course, they had quarter slots because nothing is free. I put in my coloreds but let the rest sit, in case someone else needed to use the other one. It was Sunday so I was in no rush—I had all day to sit and listen to the machine vibrate and slosh.

After starting the machine, I closed the lid and sat on the chair that was facing the door. I curled my feet underneath my bottom and opened one of my new books. It was some Western romance where the man was perfect and the woman—of course—a virgin in trouble. What was so appealing about virgins, anyway? I shrugged to myself because I was long past finding the answer to that question. My cherry had been popped my second year of college to the man I was running from. Probably, virgins had something there.

"Emily! Get your butt down here with that laundry basket or I'll turn your butt cheeks pink!" My eyes widened at the sound of the screeching that was coming my way. "NOW!"

Rose stomped down the steps and into the laundry room like a mess in high tops. Her blonde hair was sitting on top of her head and eye make up ran from the corners of her eyes as if her pencil had missed its mark. Her lipstick was perfect—cherry red on full pouty lips. A round basket full of children's clothing sat on one hip and a two year old on the other.

"Hey," she grumbled. "Your machine almost done?"

I hopped up and checked the dial even though it was clear from where she stood. "I'm about halfway there."

She made an impatient noise from deep in her throat and I sat back down. My rear went airborne at least six inches when she screamed again.

"Emily! Get. Down. Here. NOW!" she screamed up the steps.

I tried not to stare but it was like a bad car accident. Rose wasn't a large woman but motherhood had taken its toll on her body. Her full hips were stretching her denim jeans to the max and her breasts sat like rocks in her small t-shirt. She had a tattoo on her bicep and a long scar on the side of her throat.

Rose huffed and cast a sideways glance at me. I buried my face in the book, pretending that she just hadn't caught me staring. "Could you…?"

I looked up and she was holding her baby out to me. She was adorable, I had to admit, with long dark eyelashes and curls of blonde hair falling over her forehead. Her cuteness didn't make up for the fact that she was a kid and I didn't know squat about kids.

"Uh…I can't really…"

Before I had time to answer, she thrust the little girl onto my lap and her bottom lip started to shake.

"It's okay, sweetie. Mommy will be right back. I have to go get that silly sister of yours so you're going to stay here with…" She looked up at me.

I blinked twice before answering, "Bella."

"You're going to stay here with Bella for just a minute," she cooed.

She rose up and ran her fingers through her hair and settled her gaze on me. "I'll only be two minutes."

I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be a threat or a reassurance so I took it as both. Before she got out the door I called out to her and she looked at me from over her shoulder.

"W-what's her name?"

She narrowed her eyes a little then sighed, "Samuel."

Then she was gone and I was left pondering about what a strange name "Samuel" was for a pretty little…

"Oh! You're a…oh," I said out loud.

"Mommy?" he asked, whimpering.

My breathing quickened in my chest and a knot formed in my stomach. "She'll be right back, Samuel. Do you go by Sam?"

He looked cautiously at me for a moment before nodding. "Stowee?"

My face screwed up into panic. What did "stowee" mean?

"Stowee," he repeated, his lip trembling with the threat of a wail.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but I don't know what you're saying." I shifted uncomfortable in my chair and he wobbled on my lap.

"Weed stowee." Then he pointed at my book. Thankfully the cover was flat against the ground so that he didn't get a view of the cowboy gripping the virgin's cleavage.

"Uh…that is a very, very boring book," I told him. "I can make one up, though. Would you like that?"

I took his blinking as an affirmative reply.

"Okay…uh…let's see. Have you ever heard the story of…"—my mind raced to think of a story, any story, but it was blank. "Okay, uh, once upon a time there was this little boy named Sammy," I said, smiling at him. He grinned back and his bottom stopped trembling. I took that as a sign to continue. "Sammy was a brave little boy who liked to venture into the forest by his house. There were bears and lions and raccoons,"—he didn't look impressed with my wildlife selection so I added, "and dragons, too!" His eyes lit up and a grin spread out across his small thin lips.

I told him a story about little Sammy befriending a dragon and how they would fly through the air with Sammy on his back. The dragon's name was Goliath and could only speak dragon tongue but just because they couldn't communicate with words, didn't mean they weren't best friends. Sammy drank in the story, mumbling baby talk during the exciting parts and making an appropriate scared face when the other humans wanted to kill the dragon because they thought he was dangerous. I was pretty impressed with myself since I was pulling the plot out of my ass, line by line.

"Sammy stood up for his friend and told all his friends and family how sweet Goliath really was. The people were afraid because they didn't understand Goliath but Sammy made them realize that you can learn from things that scare you. Are you scared of anything, Samuel?"

He stared at me, blinking, neither confirming nor denying my question.

"Maybe that's a little over your head," I mumbled, more to myself than to the tiny boy on my knee.

"He's scared of the dark," a voice said from the doorway.

Scary-gray-overalls guy was leaning against the doorframe with his hands in his pockets. The overalls were removed from his upper body; the lifeless sleeves hung down his lean hips. He looked bigger than he had the previous time I'd seen him—a white t-shirt clinging to a broad chest. A tiny spattering of chest hair poked out from the v-neck and his arms were firm and lean. The overalls were baggy over his legs but I doubted his legs were different from the rest of his body—powerful.

A tattoo covered his right bicep and poked out from under his shirt on his shoulder. The black contrasted with his pale skin, making the dark ink seem infuriated at something…everything.

"Ewart!" Sammy yelled, wiggling on my lap to run to the stranger in the doorway.

"Hey, little man," he said, a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. He bent down and rested his elbows on his knees, prepared to accept affection from the tiny little boy.

Only, I wasn't letting go.

Sammy started to whimper and strain against my hold but I kept clutching onto him. The man glanced up at me with baffled eyes.

"His mother asked me to watch him," I told him, answering his unspoken question.

The muscles in his forehead flinched slightly. "I'm a friend of the family, so it's good."

"How do I know you're not some pervert?" I asked.

His eyes narrowed but he looked rather amused. "How do I know that _you're_ not some pervert?"

He had a point. I had a feeling he was telling the truth but if he was some pervert and he snatched Samuel up and ran, it would be my fault.

"I think we should wait until Rose comes back," I told him.

Sammy pushed at my arms and started to cry.

The man stood up, rubbing his fingers over the stubble on his chin. I didn't know him well enough to read his body language but with the stiff posture and clinched jaw, assuming he was slightly perturbed wouldn't be stretching it. My stomach clenched and the muscles of my back began to ache as I felt his eyes on me. He was so tall. I avoided his eyes and tried to soothe Samuel with what I hoped were comforting whispers.

Stomping feet down the steps to the laundry room made the man pivot on a foot and I sighed in relief.

"Edward, what are you doing home this early?" Rose asked as she turned the corner.

Samuel finally pushed away from me and I let him go so that he could waddle over to Rose. He took me by surprise when he bypassed Rose and wrapped his arms around the man's—who's name was apparently Edward—legs.

Edward looked at Rose with an open mouth and wide eyes as if she were an idiot for asking him such a question. She put two baskets full of laundry on top the one she had already brought down.

"What?" She looked up as if she had post-it notes attached to her forehead and then she closed her eyes in remembrance. "Shhh…"—she glanced at Samuel who was wrapped around Edward's leg—"Darn it! I forgot about my stupid doctor's appointment!"

"I can watch Sammy, Mom!" A little girl with dark brown hair past her shoulders peeked in the room. I assumed this was Emily, Samuel's troublemaker sister.

"You're only ten, squirt," Edward said, ruffling her hair. She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. "It's the reason I took off work early, Rose. You're still going to go, right?"

She sighed and looked wearily at all the baskets of laundry that she had piled beside the machines. "I have so much shhh…crap I have to get done."

"Rose, I can't just take off early for work for no reason," Edward said between clenched teeth. If he looked at me like that, I was sure to go fetal but Rose just quirked an eyebrow at him. "It's not like I have vacation days coming out of my aaaa…butt."

The little girl raised an eyebrow. "You almost said a bad word, Edward."

"I could do your clothes for you," someone said. It was a weak voice that sounded scared and fragile. At first I thought it was Emily but then everyone turned to me. Even Samuel, peeked at me over his shoulder.

_Oh, crap, did I say that?_

Rose's face lit up. "You would?"

I chewed on the question for a minute and shrugged because I really had nothing better to do. It would make me feel useful for the first time in months.

"That would be awesome!" she exclaimed, setting a bowl of quarters down by her laundry. "I'll go get ready!"

Edward waved her away and grabbed up Samuel. The little girl followed her Mom up the stairs and back to the apartment.

"What are we going to do today, buddy?" he asked the little boy in his arms.

Samuel gurgled something that sounded like a mix between English and French but Edward answered him. It was obvious they were close but they didn't live together. The kids didn't call him 'Dad' but he almost seemed obligated to watch over them. Rose's boyfriend, perhaps?

I started putting clothes from one of the baskets into the washer, putting in a cup of detergent along with it. When I closed the lid and turned around, Edward was standing close. He reached out his hand and I tried so hard to keep my body steady but, on impulse, I flinched.

His facial muscles tightened. "I'm Edward."

My hand gripped his and he shook it up and down slightly. "I'm Bella."

"I promise that I'm not a pervert," he told me.

I bit on my lip and grinned. "Sorry about that—you don't know who you can trust with kids."

My eyes were drawn to the tattoo on his bicep as it curled around Samuel who was playing with Edward's hair. Obviously, a hairbrush was low on his list of necessities. The ends hung over his brows, pointing every which way and in the back it seemed to go backwards and sideways all at the same time.

"You from Chicago?" he asked.

I shook my head, not wanting to converse but enjoying the contact with another person. Esme was the only human contact that I had since departing Oklahoma and even before that, I don't know if I'd call it human. More like, brutal inhumanity.

"I'm from Seattle," I lied. Well, I had lived in Seattle while I went to The University of Washington, so it wasn't a complete lie. "What about you?"

"I'm from the area," he told me. Something about the way his eyes shifted to the washing machine—which had begun the rinse cycle—told me that he wasn't being particularly truthful, either. "What brought you to Chicago?"

That was a loaded question—one that I should have been anticipating but hadn't thought of an answer. Esme hadn't even asked me that and I had been working with her for a week.

I opened my mouth to answer him but instead was interrupted by the shrill of Rose.

"I'm leaving! Dinner is on the stove! Would you go up and check on it?"

Edward huffed and muttered something under his breath. "Way to encourage a fire in the building, Rose!"

If eyes made a noise when they rolled, the sound coming from the top of the stairs would be deafening. "Whatever! Just check on it! I have to work tonight so I won't see you 'till the morning!"

"Bye Mom!" Emily yelled as she stomped back down the steps.

"Bye sweetie! Bye Sammy!"

Sammy was too fascinated with Edward's hair to care that his Mom was leaving. That made two of us.

"I better get up there before she kills us all," he muttered. "It was nice meeting you, Bella. You can just leave the clothes baskets down here when you're done and I can bring them up."

"Okay," I squeaked.

He tickled Sammy and led Rose's daughter up the steps with a hand on her head, and they giggled as he made growling noises up the steps. When he reached the top, he must have let them go because the sound of tiny stomps went from East to West followed by heavy ones.

A few hours later, I was finished with the washing and waiting on the drying. It took a genius to figure out how to fold up pint sized shirts and miniature skirts however folding Rose's laundry was the toughest. She had more thongs than a flip-flop shop in Miami. There were shirts covered in sequins, leather mini-skirts and half-shirts accompanied by the t-shirts and jeans like she wore today. Either Rose walked around her apartment half-nude or she was a stripper.

I chewed on that revelation for a moment and realized that if she were a stripper, it wouldn't make one iota of difference. Women did what they had to do to support their families and since the kids' father wasn't around, it meant she had to sacrifice. Hell, maybe she liked exotic dancing.

When I was finished with the laundry, I put theirs on the table and carried mine up to my apartment. After having actual conversation with my neighbors, my apartment felt cold and lonely as I shut the door behind me and locked it. Even with heavy metal blaring through the wall, I just felt…empty.

Before I gave it too much thought, I went back out into the hallway and locked my door behind me. Down in the laundry room, I grabbed up two of the three baskets and made my way up the steps. I was halfway to their door when the new renter, Mr. Muscles, opened up his door and stepped out. The guy was huge and my fingers tightened around the hard sharp plastic handles of the basket. I tried to act nonchalant and unaffected by his gaze that washed over me as I walked toward Rose's apartment.

"Hey!" His voice was a deep baritone and the grit of his tone made my insides vibrate. "You my neighbor?"

I turned toward him but avoided his eyes, choosing to focus on the pile of clothes in my hand. One of Rose's thongs poked out of the top, even though I tried desperately to stuff them in the bottom of the basket. He walked closer when I didn't answer him.

"You deaf or something?"

My stomach clenched.

"I live over there." I nodded my head toward my door.

I finally made eye contact with him. His eyes were dark and his skin was russet brown, as if he were born with a sun tan. His shoulders heaved up and down as he took deep breaths.

"Humph," he answered. "If I ever get too noisy, just bang on the wall."

The chances of that were slim to none. I wouldn't be welcoming any contact with this bear of a man, unless my life depended on it and even then…

"Okay, thanks," I said.

"I know the chick that lives here got pretty pissed at me one night for the noise. She's kind of hot."

I didn't know how to answer that so I just nodded my head in agreement. I suppose Rose was pretty hot in an exhausted sort of way. There was definitely a prettiness about her that wasn't hidden too deep.

"Okay then," he said then shifted on his feet. "I'm Jake, by the way."

"I'm Bella," I replied with a small smile. "I actually like the music. I…uh…don't have a radio yet so it's a nice break in the silence."

He nodded and chuckled. "Cool."

Then he turned around walked toward the front door of the building, his boots thumping on the carpet with each step. I watched his form disappear as the door closed behind him.

I tapped Rose's door with the toe of my tennis shoe and waited, hoping that the noise was loud enough to hear with two kids running around. After a minute or so of no answer, I tapped it again—this time a little harder.

"I'm coming! Christ!" It was Edward and he didn't sound happy.

The door was yanked open and his angry eyes stared at me from behind the door. When he saw that it was me, his rigid posture loosened a little and his face softened.

He looked down at the baskets in my hands. "Is that…here, I'll take it."

Before I could respond, he wrapped his arms around the baskets. His bare forearm brushed against mine and it was warm. Soft. Muscular.

"There's one more down in the—"

"I'll get it later," he said, depositing the baskets behind him on the floor. "It's no problem but thanks for bringing these up. You didn't have to."

I shook my head. "No big deal. I just didn't want the clothes to sit down there where someone could take him."

He cleared his throat and looked down the hallway toward the stairs that led to the basement. I could tell he was thinking out a dilemma. Someone stealing the clothes hadn't crossed his mind.

The little girl asked him a question from behind the door and he turned to her. "It's Bella—your neighbor from across the hall."

She said something else, her voice low and conspicuous.

"No, she's not the one with the loud music, Em," he told her. "This is the girl from the laundry room."

"Oh, she can come in," I heard Emily say.

Edward shifted his eyes to me, shot me a nervous grin, and then looked back behind him. "I'm sure Bella has better things to do than sit with us."

Actually I didn't but I had the feeling that he didn't really feel like entertaining me so I jumped in.

"Yeah, I have lots of things to do," I announced so that she could hear me. "Loads of chores."

She peeked out from under Edward's arm. He looked annoyed.

"We're getting ready to eat ice cream. Do you like ice cream?"

I chewed on the inside of my cheek because I hadn't had ice cream in a year.

"I don't want to impose," I said.

Emily's eyes lit up. "You wouldn't be imposing! We could play music and you can teach me how to dance! I can do your nails! Mom got me some new nail polish that—"

"Em! Bella already said that she had other things to do so don't be rude," Edward told her.

She pouted at him and he looked away, rolling his eyes. "You're more than welcome to join us, Bella. However, we understand if you have other plans. Don't we, Emily?"

A dramatic sigh that she had obviously learned from her mother was released through her small full lips. "Yes, we definitely understand."

I was torn. Ice cream and conversation sounded three hundred times better than sitting alone in my empty apartment. I imagined going back there, sitting on my couch and sticking my nose in a book until it got dark outside. Then I'd hobble to bed, close my eyes and welcome the nightmares that came with the darkness. More often than not, I found myself hunkered in the corner of my living room like I had done the first time I arrived in my new apartment. I had no memory of how I got there or when—I'd just wake up with a crick in my neck and sweat rolling down my back.

However, I didn't want to form relationships. There was a good chance that I'd have to pick up and leave one day. If I became close with Rose and the kids, I'd be leaving a part of me in Chicago. There were only so many pieces of my soul that I could lose before I completely lost my mind.

But all in all—it was only ice cream.

"If you're sure that I'm not imposing, I'd love to join you," I told them.

Emily squealed and Edward cringed at the sound. I was hoping it was the sound that put that look on his face and not the acceptance of Emily's invitation.

"Allright…allright…stop squealing!" he grumbled. Emily danced away, deeper into the apartment. "Bella, make yourself at home and I'm going to get the last basket of clothes."

"Thanks," I told him.

I went to move by him but he stayed in my path. With hesitance, I glanced up at his face, terrified that he'd be angry. Instead, there was a playful smirk on his face.

"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into," he said.

I furrowed my brows. "What do you mean by that?"

He opened his mouth to respond but the music coming from inside the apartment answered for him. It was peppy and bouncy and cute—Britney Spears on crack.

"You're going to earn that ice cream," he teased.

It didn't matter that I would be forced to dance or paint toe nails or whatever else a young girl could conjure up to torture a woman. As I walked into that apartment, I stopped thinking about James for the first time since I left him.

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><p><em><strong>AN: As you can see, these characters will be a little different than usual. Let me know what you think! **_


	4. Chapter three  Tighten Up

_**A/N: I wanted to share a special review with you guys. It's from Rebadams7 and it's beautiful. It's the poem right before the chapter and it makes me smile and cry, all at once. Enjoy. :) Thanks, girl!**_

_**Thank you, Softragoo-like always, you keep my nose from hitting the pavement and you cover me whilst I'm urinating in the snow behind people's house. Figuratively speaking, of course. *coughcough***_

_**Happy New Year, Everyone! I'm a recluse who hates crowds so I'm at home, typing on my computer as the New Year's rings in. I hope I'm not alone. :-)**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all characters.**_

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><p><em>Winters chill<em>  
><em>Spreads to June <em>  
><em>Icy fingers cling<em>  
><em>Though miles between <em>  
><em>Protect the pall<em>  
><em>Freedom calls<em>  
><em>But cannot break<em>  
><em>The bonds In a day<em>  
><em>Over bones and breaks<em>  
><em>The heart trusts not<em>  
><em>The light still shines<em>  
><em>The soul still breathes<em>  
><em>The hope remains<em>  
><em>In a heart so grieved<em>  
><em>-Reb<em>

_**Chapter Three-Tighten Up**_

"It's Bella," Emily said to Sammy who had ice cream covering the entire lower half of his face. His chubby cheeks bunched as he grinned.

"Bebba," Sammy said then looked up at me.

"Beeelllla," Emily tried again.

"Bebba."

"Beeell-llllaaa."

"Bebba."

I laughed. This was more entertaining than watching television.

"Bell—"

"Beb—"

"LLAA"

"Baa!"

Emily looked up at me, defeated. "He's a lost cause."

"It's okay," I said, laughing. "Bebba has a nice ring to it."

"Do you want to see my karate outfit? It's super cool!"

I swallowed the ice cream I had stuffed into my mouth and nodded.

"I'll go put it on!"

Then she was off, running down the hall like her rear was on fire.

Edward was sitting on the opposite end of the couch, watching me curiously. It made me nervous when Emily wasn't in the room because I felt pressure to talk to him.

"So, what is it that you do, Bella?" he asked.

It was a simple question but I had to think about it. There were parts of my life that I needed to lie about and with frayed nerves, each answer was important.

He grew impatient. "Do you have a job?"

"Yeah, I just started at _Blossom's Bookshelf_ down on Eleventh," I told him.

I needed to relax or my teeth were going to start chattering.

"What about you?" I asked.

The tip of his tongue poked out and wet his bottom lip. "I work in Maintenance over at The Social Services building." Hence the scary gray overalls he wore.

I nodded, and awkward silence filled the room. Sammy was even dozing off.

"I just met the new tenant across the hall," I told him.

He rubbed his knuckles against the side of his face. "Yeah? I wish he would hang around in the hall long enough for me to meet him. I've only seen him at a distance."

There was no mistaking the animosity in his voice.

"He seemed nice enough," I offered.

Edward scoffed. "Guy kept the kids and me up one night until 3am blaring his ffff…"—he glanced down at Sammy—"stupid music."

"He told me that if it ever bothered me to knock on his wall and he'd turn it off."

He put his empty ice cream bowl down on the end table with a clang. I jumped. He didn't notice because he was too busy fuming about the new renter.

"Rose went over and knocked on his door but he didn't even acknowledge her. She said he apologized the next day but I don't trust him. Looks at Rose like he wants to rip her clothes off and lick her sideways."

I cleared my throat and attempted to change the subject. It was seriously pissing him off and his jerky movements were making the ice cream taste bad. "How long have you and Rose been together?"

His eyebrows twitched upward then he smirked as he shook his head. "Oh, Rose and I aren't…we're not…"

My eyes widened. "Oh, I'm sorry…I just thought that…never mind."

He waved me off with a flick of his wrist. "Ah, it wouldn't be the first time. Rose is married and I'm a good friend of her husband's so I'm helping her out while he's…away."

"Where is he?" I asked.

His knuckles grazed the scruff of his chin; a nervous habit, perhaps. "I think you'd better ask Rose that, if you ever get comfortable with her."

I nodded in understanding.

"What about you? What brought you to Chicago all the way from Seattle?" he asked then added, "Surely, they have bookstores in Washington."

The ice cream sat in my stomach like a brick. I wasn't a good liar and he seemed intuitive enough to see right through me. So, I decided to play it his way because I figured he would respect a girl with secrets instead of fibs.

"Ask me that when you're more comfortable around me," I told him.

"Touché," he said.

Just then, Emily came bounding out of her room in a karate outfit: Long, white pants, a white top and a red belt that wrapped around her tiny waist twice. She put her hands up in a defensive manner and faced Edward.

"Not now, Em, my belly is all full of ice cream. I'll vomit all over ya'," he said, grimacing.

She bounced from foot to foot. "Uncle Edward taught me all my moves. He's my instructor!"

I raised my eyebrows at him. A bead of sweat rolled down my spine and I sat back against the couch.

"I'm not an instructor," he confessed. "I just know some things."

Emily bounced on her feet some more and threw some phantom punches at Edward. He didn't even flinch as he looked up at her, unimpressed.

"If you hit me, girl, you're goin' down," he told her.

She giggled and she swiped at him, barely missing his nose.

He bent his head, putting his chin to his chest and looked up at her. "I'm warning ya'."

"Come on, Edward, show me what you got!" she baited.

Then her hand flew out, she lost her footing and she conked Edward in the nose. His hands cupped his injured face as he leaned back on the couch. Rage boiled in his eyes as he looked up at Emily. He was going to hurt her. I could see it in the way his body tensed. The way his eyes narrowed. I willed myself to do something…anything but the coward in me wouldn't go near him. I'd been beat hundreds of times by one man and my self-preservation wasn't going to let another bruise form on my skin with thanks to another.

But she's just a little girl, I thought to myself as he uncupped his nose. Emily stared at him with wide eyes, as he dabbed his nostrils with his palm, checking for blood. Why wasn't she running? Maybe running made it worse. With James, running and hiding were part of the game. Perhaps, with Edward it was forbidden and the punishment would only be more severe.

My legs twitched to get up and rescue her. My mouth opened but no noise would come out.

"What did I say, Emily?" he asked in a calm but fearsome tone.

She swallowed. "I can't remember."

His eyes narrowed further. "I told you not to hit me; I told you that I'd get ya'."

Her body reacted and she turned to run from him but he was too fast. His arms grabbed her around the waist and he lifted her as if she weighed nothing. The strength of his arms, the solidness of his chest and the sound of his growl made the room shrink and I felt like I was drowning.

As he laid her across his lap, the sound of his voice gave me force to stand.

"You better not do that again, Emily," he growled. "I'll make sure you—"

She squealed. I opened my mouth to shout but was interrupted by a sound. It was a light and airy sound that helped my lungs find breath. Giggles. Emily was giggling. Edward was…tickling her?

"I told you what I would do, Em!" His tone was so angry, frightening, and livid but his fingers were gentle as they probed her ribs. She squealed and kicked on his lap but her efforts were fruitless.

"Stop…please…stop!" she said between giggles. "I'm…sorry!"

"You must not test your sensei!" he said in a horrible Asian accent.

Emily glanced over at me and blinked, the smile vanishing slowly off her face. Edward's gaze followed hers and his brows pulled together.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Huh?" My voice cracked. I tried to picture myself but couldn't so I looked down at my body. My hands were balled into fists and my thighs shook from the tension built up in my muscles. I relaxed minutely and asked, "What?"

"Uh…you're…uh…" Edward stuttered.

"Why are you crying?" Emily asked, rising off of Edward's lap.

I opened my mouth to tell them that I wasn't and it would be ridiculous if I were but when I put my fingertips to my cheek, I felt the silky wetness that laid a trail from my eyelids to my chin. Humiliation and stupidity filled me from the inside and I grimaced.

"I have to go—I'm sorry."

On my way out the door, they may have been calling my name. Possibly, I heard Emily tell me to stay because she wanted me to watch_ Grease_ with her. There was even some rustling, as if they were following me. But I didn't look back and I didn't answer them. I simply ran across the hall, pulling my keys from my pocket on the way there. It took three tries for my shaky hands to get the key in the hole but when they found the destination, I twisted and pushed with all my might. The door flung open so hard that it banged as it hit the wall.

After locking the door behind me, I fled to my corner—the safest place in the apartment—and planted my bottom. It was like coming home to an old friend. If only it had warm, strong arms to embrace me or the ability to whisper comforting words in my ear.

I yearned to call my Dad. With my eyes closed, I pictured him pacing in the kitchen, trying his damndest to figure out where I was. What had James told him? Did he even call him? He had to know at this point because he was planning on flying to Oklahoma the following week. Either, he flew out and discovered my absence or James had called him and told him I was missing. Probably, he flew out anyway to use his detective skills to peruse the house. Would he find the blood I had spilled on the mattress underneath the cotton sheets? Would he see the cracked mirror—that had never been replaced—in the upstairs bathroom and see the imprint of James' fist like I had every time I saw it? I hoped not because then James would panic and have reason to harm him.

My father was not a fool and he wasn't weak but James was slippery and smart. He'd watch my Dad's face for signs of suspicion and immediately take action.

_"Actions speak louder than words,"_ James had told me once when I profusely apologized one evening for leaving a spot of dried toothpaste on the sink. His house and his wife were his pride and what would his friends think if both were a mess?

_"Tell me with actions, Bella, how sorry you are,"_ he growled through gritted teeth.

And I did. But he helped me by pointing out dirty spots along the rim of the toilet—plunging my face in the water until I gagged for breath. Then he'd toss me in the shower and spray me with scalding hot water.

Then he'd take me to bed. I could take the punches in the gut, the kicks in the ribs but what happened in that bedroom was by far the worst of it. He couldn't get any enjoyment out of the act unless I was terrified.

I was at his mercy twenty four hours a day.

When I opened my eyes, the apartment was dark. I had dozed off. With an ache in my side and a sore neck, I rose from my corner and scampered around to turn on every light. I wasn't satisfied until it was done and when it was, I sat down on the couch and took a deep breath. When I closed my eyes again, I visualized Edward and Emily's face when they noticed me crying.

I wondered if I would ever be normal again. I'd been normal for mostly my entire life so why had nine months taken every reasonable thought out of my head? There were women who lived with men like James for years and were able to keep their wits about them: Find a new life, marry another man, and have children. I was weak and I blamed it on my gentle upbringing with parents who never lifted a hand against me. I blamed it on myself for not seeing the signs in the very beginning_. Had there been signs?_

My brain hurt from thinking about it and my eyes ached from exhaustion. With heavy limbs, I carried myself to the bedroom and fell flat on the mattress. For once, I welcomed the nightmares, hoping that if my subconscious found the strength to stand up to him, just once, I could beat this thing. I could learn to trust again. I could look at a man and not imagine how quickly he could have me on my knees but see him as a person. Someone gentle who had the ability to love. That man had to exist somewhere or was my father the only one?

As I felt myself being lost to the unconscious realm of bloody fists and hateful words, I doubted that I'd ever see normal again.

The next day, I felt abnormally tired as I dove into a new shipment of books that Esme had acquired at an auction. None of the titles or the Authors looked familiar so I stopped focusing after a while. I'd pull one out, glance at it and throw it in the clearance bin. Luckily, I was too drowsy to think much on what had happened the day before. My brain was foggy. My eyes ached and burned.

"Whoa! Whoa ! Whoa!" Esme exclaimed as she pulled one of the ostracized books out of the clearance bin. "This is a rare find!"

I looked at the title and my eyes widened. It was _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ by Douglas Adams. She peered inside the cover and her mouth fell agape.

"An American first edition! This goes behind the glass!" She smiled at me and put it on the counter behind her. "How does that qualify as clearance bin material, Bella?"

As I blinked, I reveled in the feeling of the lubrication my eyelids offered my eyeballs. "I'm sorry, Esme! I…didn't…I'm so glad you caught that!"

Her excited expression became concerned as she stepped toward me. "What's going on? You look really tired today and by the way you're sifting through these books, I'd say that your brain matches your eyes."

I sighed and sat down on a wooden stool. "I didn't sleep very well last night."

Her eyebrows danced on her forehead. "Just last night?"

I frowned. "Well, most nights I don't sleep well."

"Bella, I really don't want to press you but I'm here if you want to talk about anything. Obviously, there are some things that you need to get off your chest and I'm not a threat. I promise."

Her eyes told me that her offer was genuine. The way that she watched me, as I slumped on the stool and blinked lazily, was the way my Mom used to look at me during my final exams in junior high—with concern and sympathy. I almost gave in and told her everything. My mouth even opened and I planned the first sentence of my story: "I met James my sophomore year of college…" But when I tried to speak, nothing would come out of my voice box. I snapped my mouth closed and frowned at the floor with defeat.

She placed her hand on my arm. "It's okay, Bella. I don't hold it against you and I don't take offense. Just know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you."

I nodded and stood, diving back into the bin.

"Why don't you clean the bookshelves instead," she offered.

"I think that's a good idea," I replied.

The rest of the afternoon, I scrubbed shelves and cleaned carpets as customers came and went. During the lulls, I'd hear a joyous squeak come from behind the counter where Esme had come across another good find.

"I'm going to go those auctions more often," she said as she chewed on a bite of sandwich. "In fact, maybe you could start going for me as a representative for _Blossom's Bookshelf_."

I cringed when I imagined myself in a crowd of people, trying my best not to freak out when I caught a hint of a cropped head of blonde hair.

"Where did you come up with the name for your shop? It's a very unique name," I said, changing the subject.

She shot me a smile and took a sip of soda. "Blossom was a nickname that Carlisle had given to our daughter when she was a baby."

"I didn't know that you have a daughter, Esme!" I said, excited to talk about something happy for once. "Why was Blossom her nickname?"

A chuckled came from deep in her chest before she answered, "I had a C-section so I wasn't conscious when she was delivered. Carlisle said he held her after the nurses checked her out and he admitted to me a few weeks later that he thought something was wrong with her." My brows came together with concern but she waved me off, smiling at the memory in her head. "He said that she had a squished little pink face that looked like a piglet. Her eyes were small slits and her mouth was in a constant pucker."

I didn't have the courage to come right out and confirm that Esme's husband thought their daughter was ugly at birth. Esme read my thoughts and nodded in reaction to my stunned expression.

"He said that he'd seen newborn puppies with cuter mugs," she admitted.

"Did…did you get angry with him?"

"At first, I was but then he told me that a few days after her birth, when we took her home, he was holding her. I was asleep in the bedroom and she started crying, hungry for a feeding. When he swept her up, she opened her eyes and looked at him and he saw her for what she really was—beautiful. He said it was as if she had blossomed overnight so…hence her nickname. She hated it in junior high but eventually, she came to love it. It was a special thing, just between her and her father."

I smiled and my heart warmed at the image of Esme nursing an infant. She was probably an amazing mother.

"Does he still call her that?"

Her expression grew somber. "Sometimes he does…when he speaks of her."

With my brain still stuck in a state of fog, I didn't give her answer much consideration. In my more rested moments, I would have interpreted the answer correctly. Instead, I asked a really stupid question. "Do you not speak to her anymore?"

She cleared her throat and threw her half-eaten sandwich in the trash can. "She died three years ago."

I swallowed, the sound invading the silence with a soft plunk. My first reaction was to apologize but I figured she had heard enough of that in the past three years. So, I shifted my eyes away from her, giving her privacy so she could pass the moment in private.

"You remind me a lot of her, you know," she offered.

My eyes found hers and my heart sank. Unshed tears glistened as she spoke and her chin trembled. I found my own chest starting to ache and a lump forming in my throat. With a sip of soda, I tried to wash it down but it sat there, unhinged.

"I do?"

She nodded and forced a small smile. "You're beautiful, polite and incredibly smart."

I snorted. "I almost tossed a first edition, today."

Her sad smile turned into a genuine chuckle. "I'll let it slide this once but next time, I'm taking it out of your hide." She glanced at her watch. "It's time for you to get going. Get some sleep tonight, Bella."

"Thanks, Esme."

I grabbed my bag and roped it around my shoulder. Before I gave it too much thought, I covered her hand with mine. "You know, if you have a need to talk, I'm here, too. I know you don't know me very well but I'd be glad to listen."

She took me by surprise and wrapped me in a warm hug. It was a real hug. Not one of those barely touching hugs that result in some pats on the back. Her arms squeezed around my ribs and I found mine snaking around her shoulders. It felt really, _really_ good.

I woke up Wednesday, with a feeling that nothing would go right for me. It was my day off, the sun was shining and Jake was playing some crappy rap song at full blast. The bass thumped at the walls, making the entire building vibrate. While I was in the shower, I dropped the soap at least ten times, the hot water ran out half-way through and the shower liner kept sticking to my back.

My toe caught the edge of the vanity and I hobbled my way into the bedroom. As I sipped on my first and only cup of coffee for the day, I burnt my tongue. My grilled cheese for lunch turned out soggy. I'd finally gotten to the part where The Scotsman deflowered The Virgin—making the book completely boring—and I'd read all my other books.

To say that I was a little freaked out when I heard a knock on my door a little before dinner time would be an understatement. If this day was continuing the way it had started, it would most likely be James with steak knife in his hand and a smile on his face behind the wooden door.

"It's me! Rose!"

Even though I was bored out of my mind, babysitting hadn't made it on my wish list that day. However, I couldn't refuse the woman because even though I didn't really know her, I had to respect the way she balanced her life. Two kids, no husband and a third shift job.

I opened the door, scrambling to think of some excuse, and found a smiling Rose on the other side. Sammy sat on her hip, fiddling with her large hoop earring.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi."

"You busy?" she asked.

"Uh…actually, I was just getting ready to start dinner and there's this thing I have to do for work that…it's really important."

She sneered and glared at me. "I thought you worked at a bookstore or something."

I was sure that Edward had told her about the whole freak out episode but I was surprised to hear that he'd told her where I worked. If it had been me, I wouldn't be able to get past the crying-for-no-freaking-reason thing.

"I do," I replied. "I just…I have to…"

She rolled her eyes and waved me off. "I'm not going to ask you to babysit, for fff…"—she eyed Sammy—"Gosh sakes. I was wanting to know if you'd like to join us for dinner."

My eyebrows rose and I smiled at the thought of company. "Yeah, that would be nice. Should I bring anything?"

She grinned. "You got any wine?"

"No, but I have orange soda," I offered.

"Cool. We'll pour it in wine glasses and pretend."

Half an hour later, I was sitting on their couch being serenaded to every song in _Grease._ Emily wasn't a half bad singer but Rose had some serious pitch problems. I humored them by closing my eyes and swaying, pretending that it was such a beautiful sound that I was completely relaxed.

"Tell me more, tell me more…" Emily belted out.

"Hey, Bella, would you mind helping me out with this for a second?" Rose asked from the kitchen.

I went to stand but Emily grabbed my hand ferociously, then she proceeded to whine, "Noooo! Mom! We're almost to the good part!"

"Emily Grace..." she scolded.

That was all it took. Emily pouted but let my hand go.

"Hey, let me know when it comes on and I'll come back."

She cheered up a little at that but still looked put out.

"She's ecstatic that you're here," Rose said. "Could you mash those potatoes for me?"

I looked around the counter for the mixer. "Sure, where's your…"

She threw a metal utensil at me.

"We do it like the Colonials," she teased.

I took a long look at the curvy metal at the end of the handle and shrugged. Couldn't be too hard, I thought, and proceeded to mash.

"Does she have a lot of friends in the area?" I asked.

Rose shook her head. "Nah. The school system is full of delinquents who prey on girls like her. She's too gullible to go flouncing about with the kids around here. They'll jump on her and try to convert her."

"Convert her?"

"Yeah, you know, gangs," she replied.

My eyes widened. "She's only, what, ten?"

Her face twisted up in disbelief. "There was an eight year old boy beat up a few months ago—gang related."

"Geeze," I answered. "So, I'm her newest toy?"

"Brand spanking new," she said with a chuckle. "She's just like her Daddy when it comes to enthusiasm—their faces don't hide a thing."

I smiled and cleared my throat. "Does her father live close?"

"Emmett is in Pekin," she said, focusing on the roasted chicken she'd just taken out of the oven.

"Is that in Illinois?"

She looked over and blinked at me. "Sorry, I forget that you aren't from the area. Pekin is a couple hundred miles away; he's at FCI Pekin." I shook my head, still confused and she sighed in response. "He's in prison, Bella."

After that bit of information, I focused on mashing the potatoes because I wasn't sure where to go with the conversation. She was opening up to me and I was grateful but I was out of my element. I'd never met anyone who had been to prison or even knew anyone who had a family member in prison. My father was a cop for God's sakes. Curiosity welled up inside me and not just the good old human nature kind. If Emily's father was in prison for violence, I was leaving that night. I wouldn't live somewhere that would be the home of someone who could turn into James. The war had turned James into a monster; what would prison do to someone with already violent tendencies.

"I know you've got questions, so just ask, already," she blurted.

When I kept my mouth shut, she took the masher out of my hands and set it down on the counter.

"Bella, I get these…crazy notions about people. Sometimes, I meet people or pass by them on the street and I can almost feel the bad flowing out of their pores. And other times, I can sense the goodness in them. The first time I saw you, I could tell that you were scared; but I could also feel the goodness in you. I believe that you were sent here by something…or someone…I don't know, but you're here for a reason.

"I don't just tell everyone I meet about Emmett. No one at my job knows and only a couple people in my family know. When I tell you about where he is, I'm opening myself up for questions. I expect it." She folded her arms over her chest and raised her eyebrows at me. "So, shoot."

I decided to skip the obvious question. "How long has he been there?"

"Nine years," she replied.

"So, he was there when Emily was born?"

"Yep and he was there when Sammy was born, too. And yes, they are both his and yes, we are married." When I screwed up my face in confusion, she added, "Ever heard of conjugal visits?"

"Of course," I said.

"Sammy is the result of a very…very nice conjugal visit." A sly smile grew across her lips and I could feel heat flowering over my cheeks. "It was the last and only one, actually."

"What happened to…uh…why is he…?" I wasn't sure if there was a polite way to ask a friend the reason for her husband's incarceration but dang it, if I wasn't going to try and find it. "How did he end up in Pekin?"

She licked her lips and handed me back the mashing tool. "I met Emmett when I was fifteen and we fell madly in love. My parents didn't give two cents about me and his…well, they suffocated him. His father had Em's whole life planned out for him and I didn't fit very well in the picture; white trash just doesn't mesh well on the arm of a lawyer."

"Oh, God, Rose—that's awful," I told her. "So, he married you?"

"He knocked me up, first," she said. "Then, he married me. I told him that he poked a hole in the rubber on purpose just to piss off his parents."

"You really think he'd do that?" I asked.

She scoffed. "Hell no, but it pissed him off when I said it. Even though the baby wasn't planned, he was determined to make a life for her. After we graduated, we moved in together. A few months into it and we were struggling—and not just to pay the rent." She laughed as she stared at the counter, her mind flashing back to the early days with her husband. "This place is like heaven compared to those days. One night for dinner, we had to eat ice because that was the only edible thing we had. Emmett got fed up, stole a realistic looking squirt gun and tried to rob a bank."

I gasped. "Not to sound…ignorant or anything but he's been in prison for nine years for holding up a bank with a squirt gun?"

She sighed. "One of the employees had a heart attack during the attempted robbery. Stupid Emmett was the one who dialed 911. Just dropped the gun and picked up the phone when the man grabbed his chest and toppled to the floor."

I wasn't sure how to respond because Emmett sounded like a decent guy. However, I was sure that the bank employee had family who would disagree.

"I'm not saying that what Emmett did wasn't a bad thing but he didn't intend for anyone to get hurt. He was a desperate man who wanted to feed his family. If he had bad intentions, he would have went out and bought a real gun."

She opened her mouth to say something else but we were interrupted by the sound of a familiar singing voice. Emily danced into the kitchen, singing along with the movie. With a great deal of enthusiasm, she grabbed my hand and tugged me into the living room. I couldn't deny her a dance; after all, she was as desperate as I was for human contact.

As I watched Rose, gather her little girl in her arms, my heart ached. This family was quickly becoming part of my life. It would hurt to have to leave them but I would have to do what it took to survive. If that meant vanishing out of thin air, then that's what I would do.

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><p><em><strong>AN: I don't have a clue about prison protocol (Thank the heavens!) so I have no idea if conjugal visits even exist anymore. If they don't and you know this for a fact, just pretend for my sake...and I won't ask questions about your wealth of knowledge in regards to prisons. I'll just assume it was for some sort of report you did for college...a college NOT in prison. **_

_**Anyhoo, tell me what you think! I'm nervous about this story because of Bella's reactions and I want this story to progress realistically. I'd love to know how you think I'm doing. :-)**_


	5. Chapter four  Head full of doubt

_**A/N: Thanks for reading. I cherish the reviews. **_

_**Question for my readers: Do any of you pay attention to song rec's for chapters? I did a song for each chapter of AMS but I'm not sure if that's annoying or helpful or even if anyone pays attention to it. Let me know in a review or PM. There are so many chapters that have been helped along with thanks to a song but if it's annoying, I won't go there. See how much control you (yes...you!) have over me? Damn.**_

_**Softragoo, I want to hump your leg. Thanks for pre-reading. **_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all characters.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Four<strong>

I learned several interesting facts about Emily and Sam over dinner.

Sammy was a couple months shy of being three and he loved all trains. Whenever he heard the word, he let out a loud "Choo! Choo!" that sent all of us into a heap of giggles. Sammy was below the normal range for speech, according to the Pediatrician at the free clinic downtown. Rose had contacted the county who was supposed to call to set up an appointment for an evaluation. No one had called and Rose said it was because of the area they lived in—bitterly spitting out that they thought people in low income areas were lost causes. I was sure that wasn't the case but Rose was adamant about society not giving two cents about where her children ended up unless it was in their front yards.

Emily was ten and wanted to grow up to be a martial arts expert and a part time dancer for music videos on the weekends. She had a crush on Justin Bieber and her favorite subject in school was English.

"I was an English major in college," I told Emily.

Her smile beamed from across the table and Rose looked interested. Rose had let me in on a very personal part of her life—she was going on a gut feeling that I was a good person. I wanted to give something back, in terms of information about my life. Proving her right was something I was determined to do; hopefully she _was_ right and that my presence wouldn't cause problems for them in the future.

"I bet you read all kinds of cool books," she said.

"You like to read?" She grinned and nodded. "Did you know that I work in a book store?"

"You do?" She looked at me as if I had just told her that I put on wings and fly to work every morning.

"Yep—you should come down to the store someday and pick you out a book," I told her then added, "My treat."

"Where'd you go to school?" Rose asked.

I cleared my throat of a piece of chicken. "University of Washington in Seattle."

She grinned then said, "So, you really are from Seattle."

"Yeah, I really am," I replied with a grin.

The door to the apartment opened and I tensed at the unexpected sound. Rose was unfazed so apparently she had been expecting someone.

"Hey!" Edward called out. "I got your note—what is so important that you needed me over here right after…"

His voice trailed off as he entered the kitchen and spotted me sitting at the table. Suddenly, I'd lost my appetite as I dropped my gaze to my plate. I set my fork down and my hands went to my lap.

"Uh…what's with the note?" By the pitch of his voice, I could tell his eyes were still directed at me.

"Just thought you'd like to have dinner with us," Rose answered. "I didn't know you were going to be a freaking hour late getting home."

I peeked up and he was frowning at her. "I always work until seven on Wednesdays, Rosalie."

"I can't keep track of your schedule," she mumbled.

He sighed. "Well, at least I can have dinner, right?"

Without waiting for an answer, he unzipped his overalls and tied the limp sleeves around his waist. Through his thin white t-shirt, the muscles in his back flexed and released as he opened a cupboard door. His bicep bulged as he grabbed a plate and set it on the counter. The hair was a madhouse. I wondered if he ever shaved down to the skin. The white t-shirt had a tiny hole over his left shoulder blade and I could make out a dot of pale skin.

I couldn't look away.

When Edward was looking at me, I couldn't bear it: His eyes tense and full of what could only be described as passion. It felt like he could find out anything he wanted by just glaring and asking. But when his back was turned and his thoughts otherwise occupied, I was mesmerized by the way he carried himself, the way his body moved, and how he was oblivious to the tension he brought with him.

"What were you saying, Bella?" Rose's voice broke me from my trance. It was a good thing because the little hole in Edward's shirt was starting to take on shapes: First a dog, then a ladybug and lastly, a turtle.

When I made eye contact with Rose, she had a knowing smirk on her face. She had caught me staring. Internally, I grimaced because it was clear that these two had no secrets between them. I had wanted to see what Edward's deal was; what his relationship with their family entailed but now, I couldn't. It would appear that I was checking him out and asking about him would certainly not help my argument that I wasn't. I absolutely wasn't. At all.

"Uh…what was I saying?"

"You're an English Lit. Major," she offered. "So you grew up in Seattle?"

Now this was a conundrum. I never wanted to lie to Rose but now that Edward—whom I trusted as far as I could throw—was here, I didn't want to share. I knew nothing about Edward except he was a friend of this family. Honestly, I didn't know Rose well enough to know that she didn't keep dishonest friends. If anyone found out where I came from, all it would take would be a phone call and the police would be at my door. Disappearing from sight wasn't illegal but it had legal ramifications. Millions of dollars were possibly being spent on searching for my whereabouts, especially with my Dad in charge. No stone would be left unturned.

It wasn't the law I was afraid of nor was it the millions of dollars I would probably owe. James would know where I was and my entire family would be in jeopardy if I didn't obey him. I'd be back in Oklahoma before I could say "psychopath".

"I grew up close to Seattle," I explained.

Rose narrowed her eyes a little. Edward sat down by Emily who was making some sort of fortress out of her mashed potatoes complete with a broccoli tower.

"Hey squirt, if you aren't going to eat those, give 'em to me," Edward said. He leaned over and destroyed her fortress by loading up his fork with her potatoes.

"Mom," she whined. "Edward took my food!"

Rose rolled her eyes. "It's like having three kids."

Sammy squealed as if he just noticed Edward's presence. Edward tweaked Sammy's nose, making a funny noise as he did it. Sammy ate it up and slammed his hand excitedly onto his plate. Food went everywhere.

"Oh disgusting!" Emily squealed. "It's in my eyebrows!"

"It's just mashed potatoes, Emily," Rose said calmly. "You just ingested it, how is it disgusting?"

"What's ingested mean?" she asked as Rose wiped her down with a towel.

"It means that you just ate it," Rose explained.

Edward continued to shovel food into his mouth, even though there was a green bean in his hair and several gobs of potatoes on his shirt. I faired just the same, finding a couple green beans in my own hair and some additional stuff on my sleeve. I couldn't help but giggle at the sight of us, covered in food. Sammy obviously thought it was great because he repeated the palm-slam move and additional food flew around the kitchen like a bomb had exploded.

"Bella, could you take that plate away so he doesn't do it again," Rose asked, calmly. "Edward, could you take a few precious moments away from your food to help me get Emily cleaned up before she has some sort of attack?"

"I'm eating!" Edward said around a mouthful of chicken.

"I'm not going to have an attack!" Emily shouted and then added, "This is disgusting! We shouldn't even let him eat at the dinner table with us!"

"Are you talking about Edward or Sammy?" Rose mumbled.

As I moved the plate from Sammy's reach, my giggles turned into laughter. The green bean in Edward's hair was too much; I lost it. Somewhere between the table and the sink, I was bent over in unladylike guffaws.

"I'm glad you think it's funny," Rose said as she started her own giggling. "I'm the one who has to clean this shhh…crap up."

"I'll help you," Edward chimed in. I could hear the smile in his voice. "It's not like I'm going to leave you to do it by yourself."

When I was finished laughing, I sighed heavily and clutched onto my abdomen which ached. I hadn't used my stomach muscles for laughing in such a long time. Laughing had been something I'd done on occasion to make James happy but it was never actual laughter. That was something that I hadn't done since I spent a weekend on my Dad's couch in Forks and we watched a marathon of _Naked Gun_ movies.

Rose took Emily and Sam to the bedroom to clean them up. I grabbed the kitchen towel and let warm water run over it, my brain still on a natural high from laughing. When I was wringing out the wet towel, a large hand reached out and took the rag from me. My muscles tensed and I froze but there was no flinching—a drastic improvement.

"I'll get it," he said. "You're a guest and guests shouldn't be responsible for cleaning the kitchen."

"I don't mind," I told him. "It would make me feel like I earned the food Rose made."

He was quiet. I peeked up at him and he looked puzzled.

"You're not a stray puppy, you know," he murmured. "It wasn't like you showed up on her doorstep, wagging your tail and begging for scraps."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and kept silent.

Then Edward emitted a noise—a mixture of a laugh and a snort. "Or maybe you did…I wasn't here when you showed up."

After several seconds of trying to fight it, I grinned up at him. The hardness in his eyes was gone and he almost looked carefree as a smirk pulled up one corner of his mouth. His eyes bounced in different directions but each of his marks was located on my face: My eyes, my nose, one cheek then the other. Something bubbled in my belly and my knees wobbled. _Damn, he made me nervous…_

Edward groaned and mumbled something as he turned toward the mess on the table. Unable to stop myself, I started clearing the table and searching for plastic containers for the leftovers. He looked my way a few times but didn't reprimand me for helping.

By the time Rose had wandered back out, she was childless and the kitchen was spotless. She marveled at the clean table and the lack of dishes in the sink.

"Both kids in bed?" Edward asked.

She yawned and nodded. "They wear me the fuck out."

"Tell Em that I'll be over tomorrow night for more lessons."

"Okay," she replied. "Can you still watch them tomorrow night? I have to be at work at seven."

He sighed. "What else do I have to do?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe you actually had some sort of life. You're always bitching about having to be over here."

After rolling his eyes dramatically, he said, "Whatever."

"I should get going," I announced.

They both turned to me and blinked as if they'd forgotten I was there. The three seconds of silence that followed was remarkably awkward.

"You don't have to go," Rose said. "That was a yawn for dramatic purposes. Usually, when I'm off work, I don't go to bed until midnight. Come on, stay and we can watch TV."

I nodded, thinking that I'd give it an hour and call it a night. The truth was, I was pretty tired and the past couple of nights I'd given myself nine hours in bed in case I couldn't sleep. The past night I'd gone without nightmares but I was sure they would return with a vengeance.

"Well, I _do_ have to go," Edward said.

Rose opened her mouth to protest but he shot her a look. It was a look that I would have cowered at but she defied him with a lift of an eyebrow.

"Nice to see you again, Bella," he said, lifting a hand in a wave. He leaned down and kissed Rose on the cheek. "Night, Rosalie—behave yourself."

"See ya," I told him and gave him a lame finger wave.

After Edward left, we sat on the couch and Rose tossed a Little Debbie in my lap. She shrugged and told me that it was desert. I moaned as I took a bite and Rose snickered.

"You don't look like you've had many of those," she said. "Given my job, I shouldn't be having one of these."

"What do you do?" I asked, feigning ignorance. Assuming never got me far in life so it wasn't what I was about to do with her job. She could be a waitress at one of those all night diners, for all I knew. Maybe they cleaned their uniforms at the restaurant. Perhaps, Rose just liked thongs and leather skirts—possibly, they were comfortable to sleep in.

"I'm a stripper."

Or maybe she was a stripper.

"You don't look shocked or appalled," she noted.

"I did your laundry, remember?" I said, grinning.

"Oh, right, thanks for that by the way," she said, quietly. "I owe you one."

"I think you just paid me back with dinner! Besides, your underwear puts mine to shame."

She threw her head back and laughed. "It's the perks of the job. Good pay, groping hands and fabric up the crack of your ass all night. What else could you ask for in a job?"

"Do you like it?" I asked.

Her expression grew taut. "No girl likes working at a strip club," she said then added, "At least not any girl who strips for Kapowksi."

I furrowed my brow. "Kapowski?"

"He owns a few bars in town, mostly just night clubs but he also owns The Red Hornet, where I work. It's a classy joint, for a strip club, but he's ruthless."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed and leaned forward. "Let's just say that we have weekly weigh-ins and surprise physicals. They find cellulite? You're gone. Stretch marks? Good riddance. The money is…well, I couldn't survive if I didn't work there three days a week. It puts food on my table and clothes on my kids' backs but I don't feel honorable about cashing my checks."

"God, that's awful," I murmured. "I bet that makes Emmett feel horrible—knowing that you're working there."

She leaned back into the plush of the couch and shrugged a shoulder. "He doesn't know and by the time he gets out, I'll be long gone from there. If he knew, he'd cause a fucking riot."

I wished there was some way I could help her. There had to be other things she could do besides something she loathed. But Rose didn't want sympathy or help. She had survival instincts that I lacked and I envied her determination to provide for her family. Going to this job and doing what she does is like second nature for her, simply because she does what she has to do. It made the dinner I'd just ate taste so much better, knowing that Rose had sacrificed to put it on the table.

"Where did you say you grew up again?" she asked.

With a sigh, I resigned to tell Rose about as much as I could. I started with my youth, telling stories of campfires with my parents and long rainy days inside, reading. Then I moved on to my parents' divorce when I was a freshman in high school and my mom's subsequent move to Arizona. I'd only seen her twice since then—once at my graduation from high school and then next at my college graduation. We weren't close but I didn't hold any animosity toward her. She had her life and I had mine.

I tried to talk about my dad with the least amount of emotion I could but my efforts were fruitless. My voice cracked as I spoke of the way he could squeeze a confession out of me with just a look or make my heart swell with just the slight uprising of the corner of his mouth. He wasn't a man who wore his heart on his sleeve but I knew that he'd do anything I asked of him: Point to hot coals and tell him to walk and he'd ask me where he should put his shoes.

Damn. I missed him and it was obvious.

"When was the last time you saw him?" she asked.

I cleared my throat and blinked, hoping that it appeared that I was trying to think when really I was trying to compose my emotions.

"Uh…almost a year ago," I muttered.

Her eyes widened. "Where have you been for the past year?"

I couldn't answer that—not yet—and I wouldn't lie to her so I just pressed my lips together and stared at the carpet. There was less stains on hers and I found myself envious of the clean floor.

"You can trust us, you know," she said then let out a throaty laugh. "For Christ sake, my husband is in prison! If you are…wanted or whatever, we wouldn't turn you in."

My throat made a gulping noise as I swallowed. "I just…can't…not right now, Rose."

"Can you answer me one thing?"

Her request seemed simple in words but it was more complex than she would ever realize. No matter what her question was, it wouldn't be easy to form a reply. I nodded anyway and looked into her eyes.

"Are you in danger?"

For a moment, the whole scene was ridiculous. It almost seemed that she cared about me—someone she barely knew. Paranoia sprung into my mind and I wondered for a moment, just what she wanted from me. What did she get out of my presence in her life? A whole lot of trouble, that was certain, and I had a feeling she knew it. Why did she care if I was in danger? And the answer was clear as soon as one side of my brain silently asked the other. She was being protective of her family; if I was a risk to their safety, then she would want to eliminate me—not in a "say hello to my little friend" sort of elimination but in the call the Authorities sort of way.

I lied as I shook my head then let out a shaky laugh. "I certainly hope not."

With hope, I'd pulled the act off but something in her eyes told me that she was calling bullshit on me. I was thankful that she didn't voice the accusation to my face because I'd end up sputtering in tears and blurting out my entire life story.

"Just so you know, Edward wouldn't hurt a fly," said then added, "unless the fly was out to harm someone in his family."

"I...I never thought that…"

Rose rolled her eyes as I stuttered. "Emily told me what happened the other night when you were over here. She said that you looked sick when he grabbed her and started tickling her. I told her that maybe the ice cream had upset your stomach and she agreed but that isn't what happened was it?" I stared at her, unwilling to answer. "We are his family, Bella. The reason that he even lives in Chicago is because we are here."

"You're his only family?"

Her lip curled up into a slight sneer. "The only family that gives a damn about him, yeah."

"Are you blood related?"

"Does that really matter?" she asked, grinning.

I shook my head and replied, "Not at all. I just wondered what…how he is connected with you and the kids."

She shifted on the couch and ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. The scar along her jaw came into view as her hair fell over the opposite shoulder. "I'm not going to go into details because that's Edward's story to tell. He's a good friend of Emmett's and he feels like he owes him to take care of us until he's released."

It was good to know that Edward seemed like a nice guy but I'd seen the fire in his eyes. The image of him pulling back his fist and crushing me in the gut was too easy to visualize. It also wasn't hard to come up with my own conclusion as to where Edward met Emmett. I respected that Rose wanted Edward to tell his own story but from what she told me, it wasn't difficult to realize that they had met in prison.

Edward was an ex-con.

I left Rose's apartment on a good note—a promise to have a girl's night out together so that we could both have a little fun. The intention to do so was admirable but I doubted I'd ever gather the courage to actually follow through with it.

My secrets were still secrets as I lay my head down on my pillow that night but I didn't feel exactly right about it. Rose had shared a lot with me and I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't trust her more. She was patient and understanding and she seemed to understand that my past would have to be kept bottled up inside my own skull.

When I finally fell asleep, my dreams took a different route this time. My typical nightmare was more like a flash back: James incorporating pain and humiliation into my everyday life. This time, James was no where to be seen. A new set of eyes seared into me, turning me raw as his gaze went from my ankles to my forehead. His hands curled around my arms and his strength pushed my body wherever he wanted me to be. Broken bones. Bruised flesh. Angry words. They came from Edward in my dream that night.

I woke up in a cold sweat, the sound of pounding at my front door. It wasn't light yet but the sun was slowly creeping its way into the sky. Grayish light filtered in through the curtains. My entire body ached as if the dream had reached through my subconscious and snapped my ribs. A shudder ran down my spine as I turned my legs to get out of bed.

More pounding. I groaned then started. Who could possibly be pounding on my door at—I looked at my wind up clock, blinking away the fogginess of sleep—five thirty in the morning? I jerked on a pair of jeans and pulled on a t-shirt. If it were James, he wouldn't have knocked. It wasn't Rose. Her knocks were tiny taps with the sharp points of her knuckles. Unless she was in trouble. My feet sped up to reach the door.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Uh…it's Jake," said a deep voice through the wood. "I heard you screaming through the wall and I thought you might be in trouble."

I closed my eyes in relief. "Uh…I had a bad dream but I'm okay."

"If it's all the same to you, I'd like to see you for myself."

My face scrunched up. "What?"

"How do I know there's not some maniac putting a gun to your head, making you tell me that you're all right?"

I put my forehead against the door and groaned. "I promise you that I'm okay."

"He could be forcing you to say that, too," he countered.

"How do I know that you aren't some maniac trying to get me to open my door so that you can take advantage?" I asked, grinning at my reply.

There was silence for a moment. "Hmm…" he said. "Good point."

"I'm seriously okay," I told him. "Thank you for checking on me."

"I'm still not convinced," he replied. "How about if you come out here so that I can see for myself that you're fine; that was some God-awful screaming I heard a few minutes ago."

"Oh, for God's sake," I grumbled and tore open the door. "I'm good…see?"

I patted my hands up and down my body as if I would reveal any possible wounds or hidden gunmen by doing so. He looked me up and down—teetering slightly on each breast—then over my shoulder into my apartment. When his eyes met mine, mischief sparkled in his pupils. "Honey, you certainly are good."

Then he was gone, stomping along the hallway and into his own apartment. I barely noticed that he was in his underwear—bright blue and bikini style. Each buttock flexed in turn with his stride. He gave me a wink before he disappeared through the doorway. I couldn't help but grin at my neighbor. He was scary just the night before but now…now, he was playful and actually seemed concerned. There wasn't a hint of malice in his voice or his eyes but that didn't stop my mind from playing an image of him backhanding me into a corner. He could do it so easily—like batting away an annoying fly.

After the nightmare and catching sight of Jake in his underwear, there was no way I'd be able to go back to sleep. With legs that felt like concrete, I dragged myself into the kitchen and put the coffee pot on. The shower felt good—too good. I almost dozed off with my forehead against the slick, cold tile but the feel of warm turning to cold pulled me out of it. I needed a boost—something that would snap me out of it, at least for a few hours. My eyes lit up when I thought about the little coffee shop that sat a couple blocks away from _Blossom's Bookshelf_. I had to endure the torture of smelling the freshly ground coffee and fresh baked pastries as I passed it every morning on my way to work. I decided that I would treat myself and Esme to a fancy coffee drink and a muffin. It really wasn't in my budget but I solidified my decision by remembering the several times Esme had stopped in the past two weeks and brought me coffee.

I left half an hour early, and found myself locking my door at the same time that Edward was coming out of his. The baggy, gray overalls swishing with the movement of his hands to turn his own lock and his eyes swollen from sleep. The hair was a lost cause, and the black boots on his feet were humongous. There was no hint of ink; all of it was hidden by the maintenance uniform. I found myself wondering what exactly was so important to him that he got it permanently etched on his body. There wasn't one thing I could think of that would lead me to get a tattoo except for my social security number so that they could ID my body. _How depressing is that?_

My eyes met Edward's and sudden flashes of my nightmare assaulted my brain. I snapped my gaze to the floor, rudely and kept walking.

"You off to work?" he asked. The sound of his footsteps echoed throughout the short hallway. A baby cried upstairs and a woman shouted something—hopefully not at the baby.

"Yeah," I said, looking over my shoulder. My eyes glanced at the small triangle of white t-shirt that poked out of the collar of the overalls. "I have to stop and get coffee so I left a little early."

"Ah. Yes, the important things in life always seem to inconvenience us," he joked.

I giggled a little louder than necessary. It was only a dream, I kept telling myself, only a dream.

"Do you walk to work, too?" I asked.

"You walk to work?" he asked, incredulously. I nodded and we stepped off the front porch of the building, side by side. "I thought that you took the bus."

"The bus makes me nervous. I almost feel trapped on the bus. I'd rather have free will to take whatever path I want to work—on foot," I told him. "Why don't you take the bus?"

He was silent for so long that I glanced at his face. There was a hint of amusement laced with shock written on his upturned lips and raised eyebrows.

"What?" I asked.

My shoulder bumped his bicep and I found myself feeling uneasy. What if he'd been watching for me to leave my apartment? We'd never left at the same time before. I gave myself a mental shake because I was running a half hour early. There was no reason for Edward to watch for me to leave. All those horrible things he had said and all those fists to the gut had been only a dream. Rose had vouched for his character the night before and I had begun to trust Rose…a little. She wouldn't send me off with a wolf in sheep's clothing. Well, in Edward's case, it would be a wolf in wolf's clothing.

_Why was I walking with him again?_

"Nothing," he replied. "I don't like the bus, either."

An uncomfortable silence passed, the only sound was the uneven breath being forced out of my mouth and our shoes hitting the concrete sidewalk.

"You walk this way, too?" I asked.

He grinned. "Obviously."

I rolled my eyes a little. "And here I thought you might be playing the part of a gentleman."

He scoffed and chuckled before replying, "That will be the last time you mistake me for a gentleman, Bella."

I quirked an eyebrow and smirked. "So, you don't walk old ladies across the street or throw your jacket over mud puddles for your girlfriends?"

"Well, first of all, if I tried to escort an old lady across the street, she'd mistake me for a crook and end up beating me over the head with her purse full of quarters. Had it happen once—it hurt.

"Second, I own one jacket and I have yet to meet a girl who I care enough about to get that jacket dirty." I was taken aback and told him so with wide eyes. He tilted his head and smirked. "Leather is a bitch to get clean. You have to send it away to get dry cleaned and all that shit. It's a lengthy process when it's the only one you've got and it's ten below outside."

I sighed. "I suppose you have a point but I bet your jacket would go in a puddle in a heartbeat for Rose."

He shook his head and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "It's not like that with Rosalie. She's the type of girl who would make a game out of stepping in puddles. Toughest woman I've ever met."

"She is pretty great." I couldn't help the weakness in my tone that hinted at my lack of trust in my friendship with Rose.

"I know it doesn't mean a lot coming from me but…" He stopped talking and narrowed his eyes at the path ahead of us. "Keep your head down and walk close to me, put your purse between us."

Three guys that could only be described as thugs hovered over the sidewalk. All of them had folded bandanas wrapped around their foreheads. All three were short but stocky and all six eyes were focused on the two of us walking toward them. I hadn't noticed them since I'd been caught up the conversation.

I did as Edward said and my hip found his thigh. My muscles tensed and suddenly the thought of coffee or anything else edible made me want to lurch behind a bush. They were fifteen feet ahead of us, keeping still, when I suggested to Edward that we cross the street to avoid them.

"That'll turn us into a fucking target," he mumbled.

Slowly, but casually, he lifted his arm and put it around my shoulders. Heat radiated through his layers of clothing and pulsated onto the skin of my neck. I thought I might faint. Or vomit. Or both. He could feel the tension in my body as he pulled me closer to him, our bodies joined at the sides as if we had known each other for months, years even.

"Relax, Bella, you'll be fine," he mumbled.

Ten feet away.

"I don't feel like I'm going to be fine."

His chest rumbled against my ear. _Was he laughing?_

Five feet away and one of them—the one with a dirty, blonde goatee and ripped leather pants—met my eyes and smirked. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't help it. I jerked my eyes away, admitting fear and weakness, and pasted my gaze to my feet in front of me.

Edward slowed down, leaned toward me and his hot breath tickled my ear. My stomach tightened with fear. "Pretend I just said something really fucking funny."

I didn't skip a beat. A bark of laughter left my mouth and even I flinched at the sudden sound of it. Somewhere, Edward was laughing along with me and I felt him tugging me closer to him. The arm that was around my shoulder swept across my back and snaked around my waist; my laugh changed pitch with the movement but I kept giggling as if my life depended on it. When my laughter sounded eerily similar to sobbing, I calmed down.

"Told you," he said, smiling, "Right as rain."

The hand that was splayed across my ribcage loosened its hold and slowly made its way over my back. Then he was no longer touching me. I was cold even though it was already in the low eighties. My teeth chattered and I crossed my arms over my chest as we continued toward the city.

"You okay?" he asked, softly.

I took a deep breath and willed myself to stop freaking out. Nothing had happened. "I'm fine."

He let out a grunt of disbelief.

When we made it to the coffee shop, I pointed it out and told him that I was stopping there before going to the bookshop. After the adrenaline rush I'd had a few minutes prior, the coffee seemed unnecessary. However, adrenaline was kept on a short leash and my system would flush it out shortly. What I needed was something strong and magical: An espresso.

"Let me buy you breakfast," I told him, "To show my gratitude for walking me here."

"I was walking this way anyway, remember?"

I sighed and wondered if I should tell him that I thought he saved me that morning. If I had come across those guys, blocking my path, and I had been by myself, I would have turned around and walked home. Humiliated by my own fear, I would have called Esme and pretended to be sick. Then I'd sit at home all day, imagining what each one of those guys was capable of doing with just his bare hands.

"Please?"

He waved me off. "Nah, I'm good."

"I'll have to owe you, then."

A sneer curled up his lip. "You wouldn't owe me anything; like I said, I was going this way anyway."

"I can be really annoying when I feel indebted to someone. Pestering is like second nature to me, especially when it comes to showing gratitude," I pulled at my bottom lip with my teeth, trying to hide a mischievous grin.

"Anyone would have done…I didn't do anything," he said.

"I know! I'll make you a cake! What's your favorite?" He opened his mouth to turn the cake down but I cut him off. "Or I get your leather jacket dry cleaned. I'm also hell with a vacuum cleaner. Need anything vacuumed?"

He puffed out his cheeks with air then said, "I like just regular black coffee; none of that fancy shit."

"Doughnut?"

"It's not…" I raised my eyebrows and he reconsidered with a tight smile. "Any pastry will do just fine."

Five minutes later, I was handing him his coffee and a small bag containing a piece of lemon pound cake. He took a sip and I waited for a reaction but there was none.

He walked with me until I reached _Blossom's_ and he stared down the steps that lead underneath the building where the shop was located.

"That's where you work?" he asked.

"Yep," I replied. "I'm really lucky that I found it. Esme, the owner, is one of the most amazing people that I've ever met. She hired me the day that she met me, right off the street."

I felt myself blush. It was obvious that my brush with death, as I referred to it in my head, had made me more comfortable with Edward since I couldn't seem to shut up.

"Hmph," he responded and took a sip of coffee. "Well, have a good one. Maybe I'll see you over at Rosalie's sometime."

As I watched him walk away, I was terrified to admit that I hoped I'd run into him sooner, rather than later.

**_A/N: I don't know much about "thugs". I hope I don't offend any self-proclaimed "thugs". If you are reading fanfiction and you claim to _be_ a "thug", I highly suggest re-examining your "thug" status. J/S._**

**_So what does everyone think of Edward? Reviews make me want to drink Espresso and stay up all night writing. *hint hint*_**


	6. Chapter five In my place

_**A/N: Thank you kindly for the reviews and for reading! I appreciate the feedback on music, too. :)**_

_**Thank you, Softragoo for prereading.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all characters.**_

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><p>I'd been working for Esme for nearly a month and I was becoming so used to the routine that I had begun to look at my future. When I'd arrived in Chicago, I never imagined I'd still be here two months later. I assumed that James would have found me or the police would have busted down my door to take me back to Oklahoma. My heart ached at the thought of my Dad. Homesickness hit me every night before bed and every morning when I woke up in Chicago. I yearned to talk to him, just to let him know that I was okay but things had been going so well that I was afraid. Calling him would most likely be the end of my semi-happy life in the city. James would be listening, one way or another—he knew how much I loved my father and he would capitalize on it.<p>

Rose had become a dear friend. I volunteered myself for babysitting so that she could go visit Emmett on a Sunday at the end of July. Tears formed in her eyes at the suggestion and she invited me over for dinner almost every night. I no longer felt awkward around Sammy and Emily. They had their mom's stubborn heart of gold beating in each of their chests.

Edward was another story. There were days when he'd joke around and I'd loosen up long enough to laugh. He'd bicker with Rose in a similar way that a brother would with a sister. Their relationship was comical at times and others, the responsibility to take care of her, was reflected in his every action. For instance, his reaction to my offering to take care of the kids that Sunday was far from happy.

She told him over dinner and his eyes flared with temper as he looked at her. He didn't say a word about it but instead started shoving macaroni and cheese into his mouth with purpose—like the answer to his problem was hidden under the bland pasta and powdered cheese.

After dinner, Emily had begged me to read her a story while she fell asleep. I couldn't say no to her pouty bottom lip and big blue eyes. I hadn't been around a lot of other kids but Emily seemed so innocent for her age. So, I sat down beside her bed and dove into some Shel Silverstein poems. By the sixth one, her breathing had deepened and I clicked out the light by her bed. I tip-toed out of her room and softly closed her door behind me.

When I got halfway to the kitchen, I heard Edward's voice. He was angry and even though his voice wasn't loud, I could make out his words from the hallway. I turned to go back down the hall to wait it out in the bathroom but I heard my name mentioned. Morbid curiosity took over and I leaned against the wall to listen.

"I'll be fine, Edward," Rose grumbled. "Bella is perfectly capable of taking care of them."

"This isn't a good idea," he seethed. "Pekin is almost three hours away. If something happens, Emmett will kill me."

The distinct sound of Rose's sigh sounded out. "What's going to happen to me? Plus, Emmett is in prison, you idiot. He can't very well go out on a day pass so that he can shove a knife in your gut."

"He's going to get out eventually, Rosalie," he countered. "And to answer your question, a lot of shit can happen."

"Like what?"

There was a pause. "You could get into a car accident. You could get a flat tire and some pervert comes along to help you out. There's a lot of fucking freaks out there. Trust me to know that—I've shared a tiny living space with a few of them. They wouldn't think twice about doing horrible things to a girl broken down on the side of the road."

"Keep your voice down," Rose hissed. "The kids are in bed!"

He mumbled something that sounded like an apology.

"Why do you always have to assume the worst?"

Edward's voice grew louder, again. "Maybe, because I've lived through it, Rose."

She sighed again. "You have to let it go, Edward. What happened was—"

"We aren't talking about me," he snapped. "Why can't we visit like we did last time? All of us will go and I'll take the kids somewhere while you visit."

"I'm tired," she said, her voice cracking. "I am so tired. My husband—the father of my children—did some really stupid shit and now I'm paying for it. Do you think I like going to that job? Do you think that I don't get so fucking exhausted that I cry myself to sleep most nights? Since those kids have been born, I haven't had two hours to myself unless I'm shoving my tits in some drunk asshole's face. To think of a whole day with no screeching or crying or shitty diapers…it's like a dream come true. Don't you see that? I just…call me selfish, but I need this, Edward."

He was silent for a while. I could picture the two of them, staring each other down from two feet away.

"Fine. I'll go with you."

Rose scoffed loudly. "Did you not hear what I just said? I want some time to myself."

"No, you said you want a break from the kids. I don't screech, I rarely cry and I haven't shit my pants in at least six months." There was a smile to his tone. I nearly forgot myself and laughed.

Rose didn't contain her chuckle. "You need to stay here, Edward."

"Why?"

It was her turn to hesitate. "I think Bella is in trouble and I want you to be here in case something happens," she said. "I don't know what kind of trouble but you said it yourself—she freaked out that day she saw you tickling Emily. She's terrified of something and I don't want that something showing up and no one here to defend her."

Tears welled in my eyes and guilt clutched my abdomen like a vice. Rose was watching out for me and in my mind, I hadn't had faith in her. She had been nothing but nice to me and I had spit in her face by means of distrust.

I covered my mouth with my hand to cover a rising sob.

"So, you're keeping me here to babysit the babysitter," Edward said with disdain.

"If that's how you want to look at it, sure," she offered. "But you can't tell me that you only see Bella as a babysitter."

"What does that mean?"

Rose cackled. "Why don't you drive to work anymore, Edward?" He was silent and I could hear the floor creak under his feet. "Why is it that you happen to leave for work two minutes after Bella does everyday?"

Edward grumbled something.

"What was that? I didn't catch it."

"Leave it the fuck alone, Rose."

The footsteps got louder as he made his way to the front door. It opened then closed and Rose blew her nose.

My eavesdropping would have been obvious if I sauntered out as soon as Edward left so I pushed my back against the wall and let everything sink in. Rose was more worried about me than herself. Even my own mother hadn't ever convinced me of that. Essentially, she had assigned Edward as protection behind my back. I needed to talk to her—tell her all my secrets before she paid heavily for her trust in me.

It had always been obvious that Edward felt liable for safety of The McCarty Family. I had always assumed that it was because Edward felt loyalty to his friend. After hearing that conversation, it seemed as if he were doing it for more complicated reasons.

_"If something happens, Emmett will kill me…"_ he had said.

Perhaps, Edward was taking care of Rose because of a threat. Had he done something in prison to become indebted to Emmett? One thing was certain: Edward was mysterious and each day he became a little more complex.

That brought me to the last part of their conversation. I had assumed that Edward always walked to work; I didn't even know that he owned a car. Was Rose implying that Edward followed me to work everyday? What did that mean? Did he not trust me?

"Penny for your thoughts," Rose's voice made me jump. I thanked heavens that my hand was still clamped over my mouth because a shriek had been unavoidable. "What 'cha doing?"

Slowly, I took my hand off my mouth and lowered it to my side. "Nothing."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Emily gives me that same look when I catch her doing something naughty. I take it you heard our conversation?"

"Only a little," I lied.

"Come to the living room so that we don't wake the kids."

I followed her to the couch and we plopped down, side by side. She turned sideways, put her elbow on the back of the couch and rested her head in her hand. She looked so beautiful to me, sitting there and looking at me like that. How had I mistaken her for someone who was less than perfect?

"Edward doesn't think you should go by yourself and I can't blame him," I said.

"Oh, not you, too," she groaned. "I'm going to be—"

"But I think you should. It sounds like something you need to do for yourself and I'm glad that I can help you out."

She smirked at me. "You only heard 'a little', huh?"

I made a face. "Okay, I heard more than just a little."

Rose ran a hand through her hair and then pulled it into a ponytail. "You're not mad, are you?"

"About what?"

"Edward staying here? He would watch the kids himself but he has this thing he has to go to on Sunday but he'll be back that night."

"As long as he's not grouchy," I told her. "He's a little scary when he's grouchy."

She laughed then sobered in her reply. "One thing about Edward is his fierce loyalty. He doesn't have many friends and I've never known him to have a girlfriend but once he lets you into his life, he's there for good. He doesn't run from arguments, well, most of the time, anyway. He doesn't lie to your face to save himself grief. Edward is a good man who…"—she looked at me cautiously before continuing—"He's made some mistakes in his life."

"Haven't we all?" I asked.

"That we have," she answered. "My point is that you can trust him, Bella. He's insanely protective of the people he cares about and if you happen to become one of those people, you should feel incredibly lucky."

I let out a nervous laugh. "I doubt that he'll ever care about me, Rose. Most of the time, I think he hates me and only puts up with me because I'm friends with you."

A wicked smirk pulled at the corner her mouth and her eyes twinkled. "We'll see about that."

XXXXX

Saturday at Blossom's, we were slammed. It was the busiest I'd seen the shop since I'd started there and I said a little prayer of thanks, as I rang up customers, that I'd already had a month of training. People pushed past each other and the small bookstore became hot with faint lingering smell of body odor.

"Are you doing okay?" Esme asked. She was setting up a tiny fan up by the register to keep the armpit sweat stains at bay. "You look like you're doing pretty well."

"Yeah, I'm good," I answered. "This is unbelievable!"

She smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners and her white teeth reflecting the overhead lights. "It is pretty amazing. I wonder where all this business came from? It must be the flowers outside."

A few days before, I had suggested a few flower pots at the bottom of the stairwell so that it would catch people's attention as they walked by. Then, strategically, we placed sale signs by the flowers so they would be lured in. She told me that I was a genius and she asked me if I'd had any advertising experience. I laughed nervously and avoided answering the question.

"I doubt it was the flowers, Esme," I said, embarrassed because she paid me the compliment as if she actually meant it. "It's probably the weather. It's beautiful out. People are just out and moving about this afternoon."

She cocked her head and looked at me. I had the feeling she wanted to say something but a short elderly woman approached, asking where the religious section was and Esme trotted off to show her.

A short time later, the phone rang and I answered it with a chipper, "Thank you for calling _Blossom's Bookshelf_, this is Bella. How many I help you?"

The man's voice was weak and he sounded like he was in pain. "Bella, this is Carlisle…Esme's husband."

"Oh, hello, Mr. Cullen," I said. "It's nice to finally –"

He coughed loudly into the receiver, cutting me off. "I hate to bother her but is she handy?"

I peeked over the crowd and spotted her dark head of hair, highlighted in soft gray, standing in the Reference section. She was having an animated conversation with an older fellow who had olive skin and a toupee.

"Uh…she's with a customer but I can get her for you," I replied.

"Normally, I'd say that I'd call back but…I've sort of got myself in a pickle and I need to speak with her," his soft voice said. His breathing was quick, as if he were in pain.

I didn't hesitate. "I'll get her, Mr. Cullen."

After placing the call on hold, I weaved through the traffic and tapped Esme on the shoulder when I found her. She turned around, smiling and raised her eyebrows.

"I'm sorry for interrupting but you have an important call, Mrs. Cullen."

Even though she'd always reprimanded me when I called her by her surname, I couldn't help but do it around the customers. It had been built into me by my father. _"Always show respect to your elders, Bella, whether they deserve it or not." _A shockwave of pain rushed through me as I imagined my Dad, shifting gears in his truck as he grumbled out the advice to my fifteen year old self. I had gotten in trouble with one of my teachers for being outspoken. Mr. Wrangling, my history teacher had gotten a year wrong and I had corrected him. He didn't appreciate it, so for the first time—and the only time—I was sent to the Principal's office for being disrespectful. When my Dad heard the story, he was infuriated and he let the teacher know about it.

Thinking back on my days in high school was depressing. I wasn't sure who or where that girl was that had felt the courage to correct a teacher. Sometimes, I'd sit in the corner of my living room when I couldn't sleep and try to grasp at the person who I'd been just a few short years ago. Hell, I'd give anything to be an ounce of the person I was the day I'd boarded a bus to Oklahoma with just a couple of suitcases. I could no longer find her, no matter how hard I tried to look deep into myself. My personality had changed, my body had changed and my heart had changed—I was nothing; a warm body, wandering around in fear for the inevitable. There were times when I even wondered why I had bothered to run. But then, I'd get an ache in my neck from sitting too long in one position or I'd stub my toe on the corner of my thrift store couch and it was a physical reminder of what real pain was like.

The long look on Esme's face told me that she knew that it was Carlisle on the phone. "Thank you, Bella." She turned back to the customer, apologized and excused herself.

I asked the gentleman if there was anything I could help him with. Thankfully, he smiled and shook his head so I headed back up to the register where a couple people were standing with an armful of hopeful purchases. I lost myself in my duties, paying no attention to the low tone of Esme's voice as she talked to her husband. She had her back to me and I felt like I was invading her privacy, even though I had no choice but to be there.

We needed a cordless phone, I thought to myself as I handed over change to a man who'd just purchased a whole series of Star Trek Voyager. With a gap-toothed grin, he thanked me and shot me a wink. I pressed my lips together and pretended to arrange something underneath the counter.

"Bella, I really hate to do this, but we have to close up," Esme whispered in my ear. "Carlisle fell and he has to go to the hospital."

I sucked in a breath through my teeth. "Is he going to be okay?"

She swallowed and answered with a nod of her head. "Do you think I should make an announcement?"

"Why don't I just stay and close down for you at normal time?"

A concerned look flashed over her features as she chewed on the suggestion.

"You don't have to…I mean, I understand if you don't think I can handle it," I told her, trying to let her off the hook. Probably, it was a lot to ask of her; trust the new girl with the key to her store, her dream, her livelihood.

"Oh, no! I know you can handle it but…"

"But what?"

"It's just…we don't close until eight, Bella. You walk here, right?" she asked. I nodded and my heart skipped a beat. My stomach tightened. I hadn't thought about having to walk home in the dark. A vision of the rough looking guys that Edward and I encountered that day flashed through my mind. "I don't know if we'll be out of the ER in enough time to pick you up. I can't risk you walking home after dark and getting hurt."

Solutions weighed in my mind. A gaggle of college age girls hustled in and headed for the Paranormal Romance section.

"I have someone to call," I lied.

She quirked an eyebrow. "Who?"

"I have a friend I can call," I told her. "I'll be fine."

She let a sigh of defeat. "Okay, but you'll call if you need a ride. Even if we are still at the hospital, I'll work something out."

"Be careful, Esme. Let me know if Carlisle is okay."

In a rather personal gesture, she took my hand and squeezed it. Then she was gone.

An hour later, I found a moment to call Rose. I was supposed to be over at her apartment for dinner so that she could show me where everything was for the kids. Even though she'd only be gone a day, she wanted me prepared for everything, like a good mother should. She grumbled when I told her that I had to work late and I wouldn't be able to come until morning. I apologized and told her that the situation couldn't be helped.

"Oh, it's cool, Bella," she said. "I was just looking forward to hanging out with you tonight. We were going to treat the kids to pizza tonight." The "we" in her statement must have meant that Edward was going to be included in the evening. It was funny how she talked about him as part of the family. "Do you think you'll be able to come over after you get off?"

I shrugged even though she couldn't see me. "I don't know. It'll be late by the time I get home."

"How late?"

"Well, I'll probably close down at nine and by the time I get everything situated, it'll be past nine-thirty," I explained.

"Huh," she stated. "Well, whenever you get home, just tap on my door. I'll be up. You like cold pizza?"

I grinned. "Love it."

The remainder of the day was a blur. I hadn't had time to eat except for crunching on a granola bar and sipping on a warm Coke that I had brought with me. Typically, Esme brought us in something or got us takeout. The business had finally died down when Esme called to check on things.

"How's everything going?"

"It's good; we're finally slowing down. What a crazy day! How is Carlisle?" I tried to keep my voice strong and confident, even though my eyes were glued to the setting sun on the horizon.

"He's okay. They're doing some blood work. We'll probably be here all night waiting for the results to come back," she said then groaned. "The coffee is horrible. I can't believe they make you pay for this stuff."

I laughed—it was loud and seemed to last too long considering the joke.

"If you're slowing down, go ahead and close up. Just bring the key to work with you on Monday. If I need in, I have a spare," she told me.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Of course, Bella," she replied. "Go home and have a good day off. Thank you for staying."

After I'd hung up the phone, a guy with a ponytail and big round glasses walked in. I'd promised myself that after he left, I'd close up the shop. When he left, there were a few more people there. The place didn't completely empty until a few minutes before eight. I locked the doors and attempted to balance the drawer. Counting dimes with shaky fingers was quite a challenge. After I'd counted the till out three times, to make sure I was accurate, I slipped the deposit into the built in safe that was hidden in a cabinet in the back storage room. Esme thought she was sneaky by putting boxes of processed foods in front of it, hiding it from view. I told her that she should surround it with tampons and maxi pads. Men were allergic to anything menstrual.

By the time everything was settled, the sun was a memory and blackness surrounded the store. There were no windows so I felt like I was trapped. My breath quickened and beads of sweat formed on my forehead in spite of the fantastic air conditioner that cooled the store. With a deep breath, I unlocked the door slipped out and locked it behind me. I shoved the key deep into my pocket and stared up at the street lights.

I could walk fast, I told myself. Hell, I could run if it meant getting home faster.

My feet felt like paws, clobbering each step with careful distinction before moving to the next. I clutched my purse to my side like an elderly lady in high volume pedestrian traffic. My breath hitched as I made it all the way up and my eyes scanned the street. Most of the businesses were closed in the area with exception to the small bar down the street where a small gathering had accrued on the corner. The way home was a deserted sidewalk surrounded by sure-fire threats.

I gulped and scanned my environment again. My breath felt like I was on the verge of whining. I imagined him out there, watching me and waiting for the perfect moment to grab me up and stuff me into his car. I'd ride the whole way back to Oklahoma in the trunk, no matter how hot the August sun became. Occasionally, he'd get me out to give me air because he wouldn't want me dead. Dead was no fun, after all. When we get back home, he'd teach me a lesson. I'd survive but barely. This life I had now, in my tiny apartment in the forgotten parts of Chicago, would be like a dream. Rose would be a memory. The kids would become a fantasy. Edward would be replaced by a strong hand and angry eyes. I'd lose all faith in my fellow mankind and probably never see my father again.

Tears welled in my eyes and I resisted the urge to run back down the steps, bust my way into the store and sleep in the storage closet. I had to face this; I couldn't hide from the dark the rest of my life. If I was going to make it, I had to find strength from somewhere. It was hidden deep and I'd have to go trudging through mud to reach it but it was there—the fact that I was in Chicago confirmed that.

I started walking. My steps were slow at first but they quickened after the concrete steps to _Blossom's_ were feet away.

"You want an escort?" a voice said from behind me.

Fight or flight took over and I chose the latter. I took off in a run, the faint call of the voice behind me ordering me to wait. Ignoring it seemed smart and I wasn't completely stupid when it came to the streets. My father would get a migraine if I stopped to humor the man behind me and he learned of it.

Panic rose when I heard footsteps behind me and the man continued to yell for me to stop. I started whimpering each time I exhaled, each time my right foot touched the earth and forced my body to keep going. A stitch formed in my side and for a moment, ludicrously, I became depressed because I used to be a runner and now my body ached after just one eighth of a mile. Track had been my sport in high school because it really took no skill: There were no hoops or balls or talent involved. In track, just determination and will-power was what you needed, and those weren't two of my top qualities anymore. Honesty, I didn't feel I had many qualities but now wasn't the time to make lists in my head. I was being pursued.

The sound of the footsteps was becoming louder and either he was getting closer or now there were more than one. I wasn't sure which I'd hoped for. He growled in frustration, yelled my name and my heart skipped a beat. There was something about his voice that made my skin quiver and my stomach drop. He knew my name. Reluctantly, I slowed down enough to glance over my shoulder.

It was Edward.

Relief was like a tidal wave. It started working from deep in the pit of my stomach, up to my lungs and out toward my muscles. Just as I was about to slow down, my toe hit an uneven tilt in the sidewalk and I went down. I was still looking back at him when I started to fall; my expression was bound to be funny. Grunts of panic came from deep in my stomach as I stumbled, landing on both my knees and catching my upper body with my palms.

It may have been a mixed blessing, the fact that my body was out of shape. Not to sound all Forest Gumpish but I used to be able to run like the wind blows. If I had been in shape and taken the same tumble, there was a good chance I wouldn't be conscious enough to feel the pain shooting up my knees or the raw scrapes on the pads of my hands.

"Jesus!" Edward cried as he hovered over me on his hands and knees. "What the hell made you run like that? I was just trying to walk you home."

I didn't answer because no matter what I said, it would make me look like a lunatic. My doubts at ever being normal again were so strong that it made me cry. No, it wasn't the pain that sent salty tears from my eyelids, down my cheeks and under my chin. It wasn't the fact that I had feared for my life just moments ago as I was chased through the ghetto of Chicago. The tears were symbolic of my downward spiral into being nothing but a gun-shy, disgusting, paranoid little girl.

I would never be able to look my dad in the eyes again and be proud of who I was. All he'd see me as is someone who is terrified of their own shadow, someone who tells lies, someone with no identity. He would try to love me, even though I would repulse him deep down. Charlie Swan didn't respect people who didn't respect themselves and right now, there was nothing respectful about me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his hand on my shoulder. His touch was firm and gentle and warm. "Are you hurt?"

I shook my head as I turned over to my bottom. Meeting his eyes with mine was next to impossible; there would be anger and confusion and accusations in his mind and it would show in those expressive pupils of his. I knew what he was thinking and I couldn't blame him but I still didn't want it confirmed.

When I finally spoke, my voice was weak and hoarse. "I'm fine. I'm sorry for running from you like that," I said between gasps and pants.

"Shit," Edward breathed. I noticed that he wasn't nearly out of breath as I was. "You're bleeding."

"What?" I asked.

He grabbed my wrist. My instincts told me to pull away so I did and he emitted a long sigh.

"Can I see your hand?" he asked, his tone laced with annoyance.

"Yeah, sorry," I said.

He pulled my hand to his face and looked closely at it under the streetlight. His face was tight with concentration. A wrinkle formed between his brows as they puckered together and his lips pressed into a thin line. He looked angry. I couldn't blame him.

A car drove by and slowed to a stop. Its brakes squealed and one of the red lights glowed white because the outside plastic had been broken. Edward stiffened beside me and watched the driver get out of the car. They slammed the door and footsteps approached.

It occurred to me that it might be James. I pulled my wrist out of Edward's grasp and rose to my feet, quicker than my body wanted me to. My head spun and my knees throbbed.

Edward was on his feet as the driver approached. Part of his body blocked my view of the man and I craned my neck to see around his shoulder.

"She okay?" the deep voice asked. I was relieved that the voice didn't belong to James. "What the fuck happened?"

"She's fine so just go," Edward said, his voice laced with an unspoken threat.

The man stepped forward, his face illuminated by the streetlight. It was Jake, my neighbor. Apparently, he and Edward had met at some point because Jake didn't appear concerned about Edward's intimidating tone of voice.

"Honey, you okay?"

I cleared my throat and wiped my skinned palms on my sides. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

He moved his narrowed eyes from me to Edward then back to me. "You want a lift?"

"Uh…"

"I'm walking her home," Edward snapped. "She's fine."

Jake stepped forward, his eyes glaring into Edward's. It was like watching two Pit Bulls size each other up. This wasn't because of me. There was something else that sparked the hatred between the two. The loud music? The way Jake eyed Rose?

"I wasn't asking you," Jake retorted through gritted teeth. "I was asking the lady."

Edward's fist clenched then unclenched…clenched then unclenched.

"I'm fine, Jake, really," I told him then took a deep breath to keep my voice sounding strong. "Edward was walking me home and I tripped. No harm done."

Jake turned his gaze to me and his face softened. "If you're sure, Bella."

"Yeah, I'm positive," I replied.

"Here," he said, pulling out a card and handing it to me. I took it, and looked at it even though I couldn't make out the words in the dark. "It's my phone number. If you ever need a ride, just call."

I couldn't imagine him just being nice for the hell of it. There was something sinister about his offer but I wasn't sure what. He barely knew me and here he was, offering to help me. What did he want?

"Thanks," I said.

Jake grinned at me, his white teeth glowing in the dark. He ignored Edward as he turned around and walked back to his car. I jumped when he slammed the door shut. The belt squealed like a banshee when he drove off. Edward grumbled some colorful curse words as he watched Jake drive away.

I wanted to say how nice it was that he stopped or ask what the deal was with the two of them but Edward was angry enough. Even though Rose said that he wouldn't hurt a fly, I still couldn't throw him an inch which was as far as my trust went. He always looked like he wanted to hit something and I didn't want that to be me.

"Are you okay?" I settled on asking.

He snapped his gaze to me as if he'd forgotten I was there. "Am I okay? You're the one that…" His eyes widened as he spotted my knees. "Holy shit, your pants are torn."

I looked down at my knee caps which were throbbing; I'd definitely felt worse, that was for sure but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

"I'm fine," I told him.

"Maybe I should have let him…maybe we should have ridden with him back home," he said, cringing at the slight stain of blood on my pants. "I thought it was only your hands that…fuck!"

"Edward, I'm fine. Really, I can walk back, no problem." His agitation was putting me even more on edge and I suddenly wished that I could run again. Just in case.

He sighed. "I could carry you."

I felt my eyes bug out of my skull. "Could we just start walking, please?"

The corner of his mouth pulled up into a smirk and he nodded his head in the direction of home. "Come on," he murmured.

The first hundred feet or so, I spent inside my own head: Giving myself a pep talk and lecturing the difference between normal and insane. Slowly, my muscles relaxed and the shaking ceased. The adrenaline was flushed out of my bloodstream and before I knew it, my feet were dragging along the pavement.

"I'm sorry that I scared you," he said.

"Oh, that's okay," I said. "I'm sorry that I ran."

I felt his gaze on my profile but I feigned unawareness.

"It was the right thing to do, Bella." His voice was calm and soothing and almost musical as he said it. "I came up behind you and you reacted like any smart girl would. Next time, though, you need to put your lungs to use."

"I thought I already was," I pointed out. "My lungs are going to burn for days after that run."

His laugh was like melted chocolate and impulsively, I wanted to hear it again. "I meant that you need to scream."

I chewed on that for a moment before answering, "Hopefully, there won't be a next time."

I'd been wrong plenty of times before and this was probably one of them.

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><p><em><strong>AN: When I edited, this chapter left a bad taste in my mouth. Bella is still fresh from her escape from Oklahoma so I want to portray her with confused emotions. One minutes she looks at Edward and sees something and the next, it's something completely different. Edward also has his own set of issues so he does come off as rough around the edges. He's not an asshole. TRUST ME! PLEASE! I hope that Bella wasn't annoying in this chapter. As much as I wished he did, my Edward doesn't have magic hands or the perfect words to make everything better for her. GAH! I've said too much. I'm incredibly nervous about this one-if you have the time, review and tell me that it doesn't suck. I'd appreciate it! :)**_


	7. Chapter six  Open your eyes

_**A/N: I've never had so many people tell me that I don't suck! This is an early update gift to you. I guess, it's not really early since I don't have an updating schedule. Guess I should get one of those...hmmm...I'll update on Tuesdays and Fridays. Sound good? Allrighty. Really, thank you for the reviews. I am truly humbled by all of your kind words and they make me smile.**_

_**I decided that I'll put a song on if it inspired a certain chapter or if I just couldn't quit listening to it while writing. :)**_

_**Thank you, Softragoo for prereading. I loves you lots.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers owns these characters.**_

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><p><em><em>_**Chapter six**_

When we got back to our apartment building, Jake was sitting on the front steps with a cigar between his lips. The funky odor made my nose wrinkle. Edward glared at him as he rose slowly from the concrete and grinned at me.

"Just wanted to make sure that you got home okay," he said.

I blinked at him and shot him a small smile. "Uh…thanks."

He took a long drag of the cigar and puffed it out in pretty "O" shapes. I couldn't help but giggle at the proud smile on his face when he was finished.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Does this work?"

"Pardon?" Jake's voice was entirely different compared to when he spoke to me. It was deep but almost gentle when he conversed with me but when he stared down Edward, his tone held something different.

"Does making simple shapes come out of your mouth with cigar smoke keep your bed warm?" Edward asked, sarcastically. "I bet it keeps all the ladies banging on your door, doesn't it?"

It was plain that Edward had problems with Jake. What those problems were, I wasn't sure but he was being an ass. Jake had been nothing but nice and here he was, sitting on the steps, to make sure that I got home okay. Suddenly, I felt claustrophobic, trapped between the two pit bulls right before the whistle blew. I stepped away a little from Edward.

Jake glared at Edward for a few beats then turned back to me, a slow but wide smile taking over his expression. "No, there's other things that I do with my mouth that keeps my bed warm."

He winked at me as he walked past me. "Got a favorite band, Bella?"

I smiled and turned my body to face him. "I have soft spot for Queen," I said. His nose wrinkled playfully as he considered the seventies rock band. To test his patience, I added, "I'm also a big fan of Shania Twain."

The smile faded but the disgust was still layered on his face like frosting on a cake. "Really?"

Edward cleared his throat and sighed, dramatically.

"Oh, yeah," I said.

He narrowed his eyes and smirked, accepting my challenge. Then with a wave, he turned around and stalked off. His boots making passes with the ground like heavy brooms. I watched him get in his car and realized that he didn't particularly scare me. Even though his body was huge and his voice deep and rough, there was a gentleness about him that put me at ease. It was a ridiculous revelation but then again, it wasn't. I had never been good at seeing people for what they were. Making excuses for other people actions was like breathing for me. It was suffocating to think that I'd never be able to put my guard down around anyone ever again. I couldn't live that way.

"Rose got pizza," Edward offered.

So, I turned around and followed him up the steps and into the building. We stopped at my door.

"I have to get cleaned up," I told him. "But I'll be over in a few minutes."

He looked down at my knees. "You should put something on those scrapes. Do you have anything?"

"No, but I can get some tomorrow."

"You'll be at Rose's all day tomorrow." He reached his hand in his pocket and pulled out his keys. "I'll be right back."

"You don't have to—"

"I have a first aid kit at my place. I'll be right back."

I opened my mouth to stop him but the throbbing in my knees stopped me. As gracious as Esme had been to me, health benefits weren't included in the illegal get-paid-under-the-table-package. As minor as my scrapes were, if they got infected, it would ruin me. I'd have to go to the doctor's and he'd find me.

Five minutes later, he returned with a plastic box under his arm. I expected him to hand it over, but instead, he just looked at me.

With my hand out, I said, "Thanks. I'll bring it right back out to you."

The tip of his tongue swam out over his bottom lip. "I have some experience patching up abrasions. Let me take a look."

I gulped. "Really, it's fine. Just give me the box and I'll have it back to you in five minutes."

He tucked it more snugly under his arm. "No."

There was a strong, familiar emotion building itself up inside me. I had felt the fear and submission for so long that this almost forgotten emotion seemed to give me wings. My muscles felt bigger and my bones stronger. I was fed up with his attitude toward Jake and his reluctance to give me freaking band aids. The emotion was anger. The last time I allowed myself to feel anger was the day I moved out to Oklahoma. The result of my anger only made my situation worse; it only reflected off of James and made a severe impact on my feeble state of mind.

But he was not James and I was not in Oklahoma anymore. Empowerment washed over me and I wanted to argue. Edward's face was neutral as he looked at me, trying to judge my expression.

"Just give me the box," I said through clenched teeth.

His expression went from neutral to amusement. "No, let me patch you up and we'll be—"

I grabbed the box with my fingers and gave it a tug. Edward had some very strong armpits. He raised his eyebrows and looked satisfied with himself.

"What is your problem?" I asked. "Are you afraid I'm going to steal something?"

"No, I told you, I have experience dealing with abrasions."

I tugged at the box again and it budged slightly. "So..do…I!"

"You're acting silly," he advised.

My mouth fell open and the beautiful anger inside me seemed to double. "_I'm_ acting…I'm not the one refusing to give up a first aid kit!" I decided to pull the sympathy card. "Look, my knees really hurt so I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me have it."

He sighed. "All I want to do is help you, Bella." He took the box from under his arm and held it in his hand. I wasn't fooled. The grip on the box wasn't lessened from the change of location. "I promise that I come strictly as a nurse."

I pictured Edward in a white nursing uniform, skirt and all. I laughed out loud and his eyes widened with…alarm? No, humor. And there was more of that satisfaction.

With shaky fingers, I ran my hand through my hair. I could feel my bangs parting in the middle and straying in opposite directions but I didn't care. "Fine," I said, turning around and sticking the key in the lock. It only took me two tries. I nudged my door open and stepped halfway inside.

"I went through all that trouble and now you don't want it?"

I turned back to him and couldn't resist. With everything I had, all the strength I could muster, I grabbed at the box. My hand, as small as it was, got a good grip on the thing and I pulled it from his hand. In less than a second, I had my door closed and locked. I hunkered and listened for his reaction. There was nothing. No yelling, no banging, no threats of pain. I had argued with him, stolen from him and he had no response but to walk diagonally across the hall to Rose's and walk in the door.

On one hand, I was proud of myself. It went against everything that I had become to fight with someone, to let my anger get the best of me. Especially with a man like Edward who had fire in his eyes and brute, lean strength in his body. He could have leveled my door, then me and he didn't. Even if it was just a stupid first aid kit, I had fought for something I needed for the first time in so long. It was a small jagged piece of what I was at one time. Like that mirror that James had smashed in our bathroom in Oklahoma. It was shattered; pieces of it had fallen into the sink and on the floor. That was me and I'd just dug down deep and found a piece of it.

As I stripped off my clothes, I thought of the other hand—I didn't know Edward. As much as I liked to think that he was decent and trustworthy, he was a man. He had it in him and I didn't know how far he could be stretched before he snapped. I'd seen how he was with Jake, who had done nothing to deserve the cold stare and sarcastic remarks. I couldn't deny the fire in his eyes that made me want to cower or the stiffness of his posture that reminded me of James' bad moods. Maybe his silence after I'd closed my door was the calm before the storm. I'd be there with him after I'd cleaned up my wounds and gotten clean clothes on. Even Rose couldn't stop him if his temper was enraged and he felt that I needed to be taught a lesson in respect.

When I got to the bathroom, I stepped in the shower. I let warm water wash over my palms and over my knees. It burned and I winced as the water washed away the dried blood and particles of dirt that had encrusted on my wounds.

I dried off and as I hung my towels on the towel rack, I caught my naked reflection in the mirror. _Who was that_? Some homely brunette with a bad hair cut and bones jutting out of her shoulders. She obviously didn't sleep because a new wardrobe would have fit in the bags under her eyes. Pale wasn't even the word to describe how colorless and lifeless her complexion was. The muddy brown glistened in her wide, fearful eyes. She looked like a scared animal.

Was that how the world saw me? A scared animal? Cowering with each unexpected noise and flinching each time someone offered to shake her hand? That was what I was and it was humiliating. No wonder Rose had offered me friendship and Esme had practically thrown a job at me without even knowing my last name.

"I'm like a feral kitten," I murmured as I ran my fingertips over my cheek. "Who could turn their backs on a feral kitten?"

I was disgusted at the thought. Sure, feral kittens were cute—the way they let out tiny little hisses when they felt they were being threatened. And the way they cowered in corners to avoid being seen. They lived on survival instincts alone—which was what I had been doing. That wasn't who I was.

The Bella I had been just a year ago had kneed a stranger in the balls for grabbing her ass in a bar. The Bella that was raised by Charlie and Renee Swan argued her points in debate class until her throat grew sore and she ended up accidentally spitting on her opponent. That girl, that I had grown up to be, was independent, strong willed, and beautiful.

"Are you still in there?" I asked the girl in the mirror. "Can you be found?"

The look in her eyes told me that she desperately hoped so. It was up to me to find a way to bring her back.

XxXxX

The thing about Emily and Sammy was their age difference. Emily was ten and Sammy was two so they never really bickered at each other. But both of them did their own things and each of them wanted me to do it with them. I was torn between the two of them, going from room to room in order to please them. By the time five o'clock rolled around, I was ready for a nap.

Edward was supposed to be there around seven and I was both nervous and excited for his arrival. After my self proclamation in the mirror, I'd finally made my way over to Rose's apartment the night before only to find it Edward-less. He'd eaten a piece of pizza and run, Rose had explained when she caught me craning my neck to look down the hallway or gazing curiously into the kitchen. While I was nervous that he held some resentment in regards to the first aid kit, I was looking forward to actually sitting down.

"Beeeellllaaaaa!" Emily yelled from her bedroom.

I was currently stirring some macaroni and frying some ground hamburger for their cheeseburger Mac. Sam was on his way to the light socket for fiftieth time with his finger jutted out in a curious fashion. The first time I saw him going for it, I'd freaked and apparently when I freak, I get this funny expression on my face that Sam thinks is hilarious.

"Sam! NOOO!" I said, grabbing the giggling toddler away from sure electrocution. "Stop, Samuel! No more!"

"Beeeellllaaaa!" Emily yelled again, this time with more shriek to it.

"Dear God, what was I thinking?" I asked no one in particular.

Water boiled over and it hit the burner with a loud sizzle. I put Sam down and jumped to the stove, turning the heat down and lifting the pan at the same time.

"Uh oh!" Sam exclaimed cheerfully. "It burn! It burn!"

"No, Sam, it's not burning," I explained.

"Beeelllaaaa!" This time it was more of a whine than a yell.

No wonder Rose was always yelling. I took three deep breaths before replying back my reply. "Emily, I'm cooking dinner; what do you need?"

"I thought you were going to paint my toenails!" Another half-whine, half-yell.

Three more deep breaths. "I will after we eat. Can you come in here and talk instead of yelling?"

The sound of her bare feet hitting linoleum sounded out behind me. I was too busy stirring ground beef to turn and look.

"Sam is going for the plug again," she said, calmly but disgruntled.

My heart skipped a beat as I searched for Sam and sure enough he was on his way, finger pointed and giggles erupting in his throat. I'd never wanted to curse so bad in my life.

"Sam! Stop…right…there!" I screamed.

He moved faster, the giggles sounding like a motorcycle starting. I ran and swooped him up, cooking utensil in hand and set him into his highchair. The thing was too small for him and I was barely able to push the tray on but I managed. He frowned at me when he realized he was trapped.

"Bebba bad!" he said.

I raised my eyebrows at him. "No, Sammy bad," I said back.

"Bella?" Emily asked.

"You can't go near that plug, Samuel! That will hurt you!"

"Bella?"

"Just a second, Em!" I said, trying to keep my voice calm.

Samuel's bottom lip protruded as he looked up at me.

"No more plug, Sammy! No more!" This time I used my pointer finger to accentuate my point.

"Bella?" Emily repeated.

"Don't cry, Sam! Please? You can come out of there after we eat. Just, please, don't—"

"Bella!" Emily's voice was full of alarm.

I spun, either to yell obscenities or strap Emily in her own highchair made of rope and duct tape. Then I noticed the smoke.

"Oh…shit!" I said.

Emily put her hand over her mouth, then said, "You said a bad word" from between her fingers.

I moved the pan of frying meat off the burner as the smoke billowed out of it. Luckily, there were no flames but the meat was too ruined to eat. I sighed and then chuckled to myself. If I had ever considered having kids, this experience had made up my mind. All in all, Em and Sammy were good kids but I didn't have what it took to do it. Pulled in two directions, disciplining cute little faces with chubby smiles, painting toenails at the same time I was supposed to be cooking dinner—I just didn't have that motherly instinct. Thank God I found out before it was too late. I would have ruined any offspring that I birthed.

I turned to Emily who was looking up at me with big blue eyes. "How much do you guys like pizza?"

Her face brightened considerably. "We love it!"

An hour later, all three of us were curled on the couch watching another Disney cartoon. If I didn't see animals sing, princesses dance and inanimate objects take on personalities for another ten years, it would be fine by me.

"This is my favorite," Emily said with a piece of cheese dangling from her lips. "I like Lumiere; he's funny."

"Which one is he?"

"The candlestick," she replied.

"Ah. Yes, he's great," I deadpanned, "Fantastic actor."

She giggled. "He's a cartoon, silly!"

After we ate, I managed to bribe Emily to help me with the dishes with promises of a pedicure. Sam made a mess in his high chair with a gob of whipped cream, keeping him busy so he didn't get bored. At least he wasn't in danger of being electrocuted, I told myself as I wiped down the kitchen floor under his chair. He thanked me by wiping his hands on the rag that sat conveniently attached to the top of my head. I sat up and his eyes sparkled at the sight of his babysitter, hair highlighted white with the sugary foam. I laughed because if I didn't, I would cry. Soon, Sammy joined in and then Emily, who'd got it in her head that giving Bella a whipped cream wig would be even funnier. Damned, if she wasn't right because when I went to the bathroom to wash up, I looked in the mirror and couldn't stop laughing.

"What color do you want next?" Emily asked from the floor.

She had insisted that each of my toenails had to be a different color. Who was I to argue with a fashion addict?

"Uh…" I bent down to exam my foot. "What are my choices?"

She held three different bottles up, she replied, "Red, sparkly blue, or black."

I scrunched up my face. "Black? Why would anyone want black toenails?"

"Miley Cyrus wears black fingernail polish," Emily explained so that I knew just how cool black nail polish was.

"Well then, I guess the next toe will be black," I suggested then smiled. "Even though I'm old, that doesn't mean that I can't be cool, right?"

She didn't answer and I assumed it's because she didn't agree. I was only a couple years younger than her mom so I had to be ancient. At her age, I remember thinking that my parents were ancient and they were eighteen when they had me. It was good that I had decided not to have kids; I was already 25 so when I did get around to having them, I'd be considered elderly when they reached ten.

Sammy was building blocks on the floor and he was starting to blink his eyes lazily. Rose had told me to put them to bed around eight and I'd been counting down the hours since four. I only had an hour to go and hell, if I wasn't going to screw it up by letting Sammy doze off.

Luckily, I didn't have to distract them because Edward did that for me. The sound of the lock clicking had all of us snapping our gazes in the direction of the door. Automatically, my heart leaped but I didn't panic or jump when the door opened and Edward strolled in.

"Ewart!" Sammy shouted and hobbled up along the floor to greet him.

"Hey little buddy!" Edward said, setting a bag down on the floor and scooping Sam up into his arms.

"Edward, just so you know, I'm not speaking to you," Emily said, focusing on my big toe. I hadn't had a choice with that one; she chose for me—sparkly blue.

He glanced at me and nodded his head in greeting before responding to Emily. His eyes were fierce, as always but he didn't carry himself as if he were angry about the night before. There was a chance that the kids' presence was protecting me. Suddenly, all that self-affirmation crap that I had told myself flew out the window. It felt stupid to stay but cowardly to go.

"I believe that you just did speak to me," he replied. "Is this about last night?"

Emily huffed. "You…" she looked up at me. "Bella, would you tell Edward that he was supposed to be here last night at eight for my karate lesson and he didn't come. Tell him that I even got dressed in my uniform and slept in it because I was excited about it. Tell him—"

"Emily, I'm right here. I can hear you so why don't you say it to me," Edward said, sitting down on the edge of the couch. Sammy's hands went straight to his hair. "I'm sorry that I wasn't here but I had something else I had to do. Your mom told you that I couldn't make it, right?"

She missed my nail and put a slick, cold layer of polish across the side of my toe. "She told me but…you always showed up before. Where were you?"

He cleared his throat and looked down at his boots. "I was helping out a friend."

She pouted as she capped the lid to the blue polish.

"Come here, Em." He patted the couch beside him in invitation as she reluctantly got off the floor. When she got close, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and proceeded to whisper something in her ear.

I felt like I was invading a very private moment. They looked so much like a family that I hurt for Edward. One day, Emmett would come home and take his wife and kids back then where would that leave Edward? Hopefully, they wouldn't push him away but then during moments like this, he'd be where I was now, feeling awkward. It almost felt like he was being used, a temporary father-figure to fill in for a missing parent. It was obvious how much he cared for the kids and in return, they adored him. But he wasn't their dad; hell, he wasn't even blood related.

"Did you see Bella's toes?" Emily asked, the past evening forgotten. "Come look!"

My face flushed as Edward scooted closer to examine my feet. They were ugly with the exception of the nail polish that Emily had decorated them with. James had always hated my feet, even from the beginning. He told me that I had Neanderthal toes and a man's instep. It took everything in me to keep from curling them under the couch as Edward examined them.

"They look fabulous!" Edward exclaimed with a big grin on his face.

Emily giggled. Sammy was zoned out with the hair.

"You two need to get ready for bed," Edward announced after the beast had magically turned back into a prince.

"I think he looked better as a beast," I blurted.

Emily looked offended. "Ugh! No he didn't!"

"It's a cartoon," Edward offered.

I shrugged. "People can think cartoons are attractive."

His eyebrows shot up but he didn't respond. Instead, he instructed Emily to go get her PJ's on. She stomped down the hallway, muttering things about life not being fair. "I'll be right back; I'm going to go get Sammy ready for bed."

"I can do that," I said, leaning forward to get off the couch.

He stopped me with a gentle hand to my shoulder. "You're probably exhausted. They'll go to sleep faster for me."

I replied with a weak, "Okay" but what I really wanted to say was "See you later!" or "Gotta go!" Charlie Swan's daughter wasn't a coward. My knees were sore from the fall I'd taken but not too sore to plant one in a man's crotch. Then I'd run like hell.

With a yawn, I found something that wasn't a cartoon. It had been so long since I had a choice in what I wanted to watch for television, I got a weak adrenaline rush just flipping through the channels. I barely stayed on a channel long enough to figure out what it was; my finger just kept on clicking. I grinned, in spite of myself.

"Bella?"

Emily came walking out of the hallway, dressed in pink heart pajamas. "Yeah, Em? What is it?"

Before I knew what was happening, she wrapped me in a strong hug. Her body was so tiny and precious but had hints of girlishness. No wonder Rose wanted to teach her to kick ass because she was growing up fast. It wouldn't be long before she was asked out on dates or whistled at as she walked down the street. The thought made me hug her tightly to me. She didn't know how cruel the world could be, even as she grew up in a low income neighborhood, she still had it pretty good. There was evil in the world and I prayed she never came across it.

"I can't breathe," she squeaked in my ear.

"Oh," I said, releasing her, "Sorry."

She grinned. "It's okay. Good night, Bella, and thank you for watching us tonight. I had a lot of fun."

"Me too," I partly lied. "We'll have to do it again sometime."

I immediately regretted saying it because I had seen what words meant to her when Edward missed their lesson the night before. But as I watched her walk away, I realized that hugs like that were what made people want to be parents. When you received the love of a child, it puts things into perspective.

As I flipped through the channels, waiting for Edward to come back so I could say goodnight, I thought about the night before. He had shown up at _Blossom's_ to walk me home. I'd left around 8:15 and he was supposed to meet Emily at 8pm. It hit me that he had missed her lesson because of me.

_"I was helping out a friend,"_ he had said. Did he really consider me a friend? No, he barely knew me and Rose said that he didn't let people into his life. He'd just said that as an excuse, to calm Emily down. I was nothing to him. He was doing Rose a favor because she asked him to watch over me on my walk back home.

"Game show junkie?" Edward's voice broke me from my thoughts.

"Huh?"

He pointed at the TV. "I was asking if you were a game show junkie—you're watching Family Feud."

I turned my attention back to the television. Sure enough, there were reruns of the show flashing across the small glowing appliance. They weren't the real old shows, where people wore bell bottom and plaid suits but they were older. The host was the guy from Home Improvement, Al.

"I was just channel surfing," I mumbled.

He scrunched up his face. "You don't happen to have anything left over from dinner, do you? I'm fucking starved."

"Yeah, there's pizza in the fridge," offered.

"Pizza? From tonight or last night?" he asked.

"Does it matter?"

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Rose gets pineapple on every pizza she orders and I hate that shit. If it was leftovers from that, I'd whip up some noodles or something but if you guys ordered pizza tonight…"

I smiled at him. "I noticed that pineapple thing, too. I'm not a big fan of fruit on pizza."

"It just…isn't right," he said then asked, "So, I take it that means there's fruitless pizza in the fridge?"

"With extra meat," I replied.

His eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a thankful grunt that made my cheeks heat up. "Thank God!"

As he moved around in the kitchen, I tried to plan my exit strategy. I should have done it before he went to grab his pizza but the words got caught in my throat somewhere around "extra" and "meat". When he came back in, balancing a paper plate with three slices on it in his hand and gulping from a can of soda, I decided to give it five minutes. Then I'd just yawn, stand up and stretch before announcing my exhaustion.

He sat down beside me, leaving a foot between us, and took a huge bite of pizza. There was a moan, then some chewing and another moan. I tried to make out the question on the game show but I couldn't concentrate.

"A woman!" Edward yelled out between bites.

I turned to him, slightly alarmed. "What?"

He pointed to the T.V. "I was answering the question."

I turned back to the screen and listened closely for the question. As the bearded host read it, my mouth dropped open: "Name something that squeals". I couldn't have taken that comment many ways, and the Bella from two days ago would have assumed that it would be squeals of pain. I was done assuming and thinking the worst.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

Edward shrugged as he finished his soda then said, "Any man that can't make a woman squeal isn't worth his salt."

I resisted the blush by sticking to the non-sexual route of the suggestion. "You mean squeal out of anger?"

He laughed then said, "If you say so."

We watched some more of the show in silence as he ate his food. My eyes kept wandering to his face, shamelessly watching his jaw work as he chewed. The man never shaved or if he did, it grew back in a day because there was always stubble along the sharp edge of his face. The crooked set of his nose wasn't as menacing when he was laughing about some stupid answer given by a contestant. His hair was ridiculous. But his eyes, those eyes that held so much power, were always on fire. Glaring at Jake, arguing with me, or watching Family Feud, those eyes spoke volumes. They told me that he had been through hell and that he wasn't going again.

"I brought your first aid kit," I announced.

He grinned to himself, peeling apart his leftover crust. "Did you use it?"

"Yeah, thank you for letting me borrow it." I wasn't sure if it was my imagination but I was pretty sure my voice changed pitch when I said it.

The grin on his face grew and he looked over at me. "I didn't exactly let you borrow it; you stole it."

"Well, you were being unreasonable," I told him. "I didn't mean to…I'm sorry that I took it but I wasn't comfortable with—"

He held out his hand to stop me. "Bella, it's okay. I never intended to go into your apartment."

I frowned at him.

"I was trying to make you mad."

"What?" I asked.

He cleared his throat and leaned back into the couch. The movement caused my own body to shift minutely.

"I was trying to see who you are," he began then hesitated. "You're always so nervous around me and I…I think I know why. I wanted to push your limits so that you'd see that you could stand up for yourself and I wouldn't get mad."

"Why?"

He looked confused by the question. "So that you would be more comfortable around me."

"Why?"

"Why what?" He was getting frustrated and I couldn't really blame him. Perhaps, I had spent way too much time around the kids today because it seemed to be the only question I could blurt out.

"Why do you want me to be comfortable with you?" I asked.

His face twisted with bafflement. "Why wouldn't I want you to be comfortable with me? You're friends with Rose and I'm over here practically everyday. I don't want you trembling with fear every time I step into the apartment."

I blinked at him, still not understanding how my fears affected him.

He sighed when he read my look and continued, "Rose hasn't had a good friend since…well, never. Plus, the kids love you and they need someone good in their lives and I feel like I chase you off every time I've over here. Makes me feel like shit."

The first thing that hit was that he'd called me "good". Little did he know that I wasn't but I wasn't going to pipe in about what a nut case I was or how my brain had envisioned him bashing my skull in with his fist twenty times a day since I'd met him. Good people didn't think like that. Good people saw positive aspects before the negative. I was ruined, mentally and physically.

"I guess I do tremble a little," I said, unsure of what to say. "I don't mean to make you feel bad about that."

"I know you don't, Bella," he said. "It's not a secret that you've…"

"I've what?" I asked, furrowing my brows.

He sighed. "It's obvious that you've been through something traumatizing and I look at you and I feel…this…shit." He ran a hand through his hair and then scraped his knuckles against the stubble on his jaw. "I feel oddly protective of you."

My eyes widened. "You do?"

He groaned, out of annoyance, maybe. "You don't fit in well here."

I swallowed and my chest felt heavy with his words.

"Damn, that wasn't what I meant," he groaned. "What I meant was…there are types of people who live in this sort of neighborhood. I'm not saying that they aren't good people but there are a lot of people who wouldn't have offered to do a stranger's laundry to help them out. Most people wouldn't have offered to babysit two little heathens so that they could go visit their husband in prison. You belong somewhere decent, Bella."

I chewed on his words for a few beats. "They aren't heathens," I replied.

He laughed. "That's what you got from what I just said?"

"I'm sorry but I just don't see what you see," I told him. "I don't think that offering to help Rose makes me a good person. It's human to want to do something for other people."

His laugh was humorless. "You have no idea how wrong you are about that."

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><p><strong><em>AN: Who wants to jump Edward? *waves hand in air* Anyone else?_**

**_In case you haven't figured this out yet, this will be a slooooow burn. Please review. It would make me giddy._**


	8. Chapter seven Heartlines

_**A/N: Hope you like! Just a reminder, this is from Bella's perspective so keep that in mind when she has doubts about herself. **_

_**Thank you Softragoo. I love you more than my Edward Cullen make-up bag.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all the characters.**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter seven<strong>_

A few mornings later, I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. In my mind, I'd watched James blow my father's brains out with his .22. The same gun that he'd pointed in my face on several occasions playing one of his sick little games. It was so clear that my mind hadn't been able to separate dreams from reality. My pillow was wet with tears and my skin cold with sweat. I let it take over and I sobbed into my hands.

Someone knocking on my door had pulled me from the nightmare and they were still at it. The sun hadn't come up yet. I glanced at my clock—it was only 2am. Someone was at my door. The knocking was loud and almost rhythmic. I balanced the decision in my head on whether answering it or ignoring it would be the smartest choice. What if it was Rose? What if she was in trouble?

I sat up in bed, still half asleep and no sooner pulled my legs out from underneath my sheets when I realized that the knocking wasn't coming from my front door. It was coming from the wall behind me.

A muffled, girlish moan cut between the layers of plaster and electrical wires. I couldn't help the blush and cringe that flashed over my face as I lay back down in bed and prayed for a prompt reprieve. I had no such luck. The thumping would break, but the moans and the cries of Jake's name filled the space.

Every time I closed my eyes and tried to mentally break away from it, a flashback emerged on my eyelids like a movie screen. I never thought sex was worth all the hype. When I'd first met James, before he joined the Marines, he had never been violent with me. I'd dated him for a year before I finally let him have me in that way and it had never lived up to my romance novels. It was quick and to the point. I wondered if he had some sort of aversion to touching me because the only part of him that brushed skin below the waist was his penis. After I'd moved to Oklahoma, he touched me everywhere.

When I was sure that the thumping and moaning weren't going to cease anytime soon, I grabbed my pillow and blanket and waddled into the living room. The lights were already on as I sank down in my corner. It welcomed me with open plaster and countable warmth.

As I lay there, I couldn't get the flashbacks out of my head. I'd almost died countless times as he shoved in and out of me. He enjoyed watching me struggle, watching me gasp for breath as he spilled into me. Afterwards, his mood determined how he would treat me. Sometimes, he'd lie on top of me and tell me how sweet I was and other times, he'd grab a weapon and call me a whore. I wasn't sure if he'd been faithful but I didn't truly care.

I closed my eyes as I thought about the free clinic where Rose took the kids when they got sick. There was no doubt that I'd need to be tested for STDs. It would be just like him to give me something incurable, on purpose, just because he could. Then, I'd never be free of him no matter how many miles I put between us.

The next few hours, I dozed but didn't really sleep. My back ached and my head swirled with sleepy dizziness as I drank my morning cup of instant coffee. I almost wore mismatched shoes to work but thankfully, I caught it before I walked out the door. When I finally did walk out, Edward was standing in the hallway leaning against the wall.

I blinked at him.

"You look like shit," he noted.

"Thanks," I replied.

"Bad night?" he asked, following me out the door.

"You think?" I snapped and immediately regretted it.

He must have sensed the uneasiness on my face. "I like bitchy Bella. She's fun!"

I rolled my eyes and smiled. Things had been easier around Edward since our Family Feud night. He knew I was afraid and he tried often to set me more at ease with his presence. The night before, he'd let Emily do a makeover on him to prove how nonthreatening he was. Rose called him a pansy and she received narrowed eyes covered in blue eye shadow aimed at her. I hadn't laughed harder since…I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed that hard.

"Do you want some company?" he asked.

"Do I have a choice?"

"Nope," he said, smiling. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

I didn't want to tell him about Jake because every little thing Jake did seemed to light a fuse under Edward. My neighbor had a right to screw at 2am. It wasn't his fault that he lived next to an emotionally unstable woman with a horrible sexual past.

"I had a bad dream," I mumbled.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

We walked halfway there in silence. I wished for the past five hours back so that I could curl up in my bed, close my eyes and sleep. If I could go back to 2am, I was sure that I could cover my head up with a pillow and learn to ignore the moans.

"I'll buy you a fancy coffee," Edward offered.

"You hate fancy coffee."

"But you don't," he said, grinning. "Come on, my treat."

In the coffee shop, I convinced him to try an Espresso Latte and he couldn't resist the lemon pound cake. We had a few minutes to kill so we planted ourselves at an empty table and sipped our coffee.

"Wow!" Edward exclaimed after taking a sip. "This is like the Jack Daniels of coffee."

I smiled and sipped my own. "I told ya!"

"So, what did you do with your life before coming to Chicago?" He asked the question so casually but the weight that the words held was heavy.

I refused to lie. "I was in college in Washington and graduated with a major in English Lit. I minored in Advertising."

"What did you want to do with your life?"

I shrugged. "I wasn't really sure, to be honest. When I was in college, I did well in the classes that I loved so that's what I stuck to. I figured something would come along to tickle my fancy, even if it was just working in a library or something."

"You must really love books," he said.

I nodded and sipped some coffee. "Yeah, I do."

"Do you have any family?"

My mouth was suddenly dry and my chest ached at the mention of family. "My dad lives in Forks and my mom lives in Phoenix."

"Are you close?"

I swallowed and put a hand to my chest to see if the heaviness and pain of the ache was obvious. "I'm close with my dad."

It was apparent by the way he watched me that he wanted to ask more but I didn't give him a chance. If he was going to pry then so was I.

"What about you? Did you go to college?"

He shifted in his seat and ran his fingers over his unshaven jaw. "No, but I was going to go," he admitted. "I even had a scholarship to The University of Chicago."

I raised my eyebrows. "What was your scholarship for?"

"I played baseball."

The word "baseball" temporarily turned my thoughts to my dad again. I ached to hear his voice.

"What position?"

"Short stop," he said, with a smirk. "I loved it."

I almost asked what happened but I stopped myself because there was a reason he didn't fulfill his scholarship and that reason couldn't be easy to talk about. He had secrets just like me and I knew how squeamish I was about my past. From what I assumed, he had been in prison with Emmett and it was probably the reason he hadn't been to college.

"What about family?" I asked.

He looked at me blankly. "What about them?"

"Do you have any?"

His expression twisted, and he looked pained "They're dead."

My hand found my chest again and I gasped. "What…I'm sorry."

He shook his head and sniffed out of awkwardness. "It's fine. It was a long time ago."

Edward smiled but I could still see those eyes, full of fire and conviction. He may not have told me everything but no one looks like that when they are fine.

I looked at my watch and sighed, "I have to get to work."

He stood up and walked to the door, tossing his empty cup into the trash on the way there. The sun was blinding when we walked on to the sidewalk—it was always more painful when you're lacking sleep. It was going to be a long day.

"Thanks for walking me, but you didn't—"

He didn't let me finish. "I know, I know…I didn't have to." He paused in thought and looked around at the small crowds of people walking down the sidewalk. "Do we really _have_ to do anything, Bella?"

I smirked. "I guess we don't but thank you, regardless."

As I walked down the steps to the shop, I wondered if he had walked me to work because Rose asked him to or because of his odd protective feelings. Neither reason set well with me but I couldn't argue the fact that his company had made me feel better on the walk. I had overheard Rose say that he had a car. Why didn't he just offer to drive me?

"Morning, Bella," Esme said from the Science Fiction section. At first glance, she looked exhausted and I was relieved that we would have matching blank expressions on our faces all day. Then I realized that she'd been crying and my insides plummeted.

"Morning Esme," I said, "everything okay?"

"Huh?"

"You look…you don't look…" How do you phrase a statement to your boss that she looks horrible? "You don't look like yourself."

"Oh," she said, touching her own cheek with her palm, "I've just had a rough morning is all."

A couple hours later, it was clear that Esme's tears weren't just a result of a bad morning. I'd never seen her so distracted and emotionally disjointed. Typically, she got so excited when she watched what people bought. She had this game where she would guess which section people would head to when they walked in the door. Sometimes, she'd whisper it in my ear or if it was quiet, she'd scribble it down on a piece of paper. Ninety five percent of the time, she was right—it was amazing. She was obviously very intuitive. I was right about five percent and those times it was always the dodgy old ladies heading for the Romance section.

She definitely wasn't right and it bothered me to watch her stare off into space as her mind drifted over her troubles. I wondered if that was how I looked during the day as I thought back about the nine months I'd spent with James in Oklahoma. I wasn't going to ask Esme because I figured that she would talk if she wanted to. That was until she dropped an armful of books and they scattered across the floor. Then she burst into tears.

I crouched down next to her, thankful the store was empty, and put my hand on her shoulder. Her body was vibrating with pent up emotions and her muscles tensed as I squeezed with my palm.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She cleared her throat and seemed to shake herself. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," I told her as I helped her scoop up the books. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She opened her mouth and I was hopeful that her troubles would start spilling out of her mouth but instead she looked at the door and kept silent. "No, it's fine, Bella. I'm just…I just…"

"It's okay," I soothed. "I'll get the books. Where were you going with them?"

"One of the clearance bins," she answered.

"Fifty percent or seventy five percent?" I asked.

She grinned. "Honestly, I couldn't give a rat's ass; put it in the seventy five one."

It was time for me to go home when she finally let it out. Since, she took one look at me, with my purse under my arm, and proceeded to sob, I figured she had desperately wanted to do it all day.

"It's just a bad day for me, Bella."

I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Carlisle and I had a big fight this morning before I came in," she murmured to her feet.

"What did he do?" I asked, in all seriousness.

She threw her head back and laughed. "Thanks, Bella. That was good."

I looked at her strangely. "What?"

"I just think it's funny that you assume it was Carlisle being an ass and not me," she said.

I shrugged and smiled. "Well, I can't imagine you being anything but kind and sweet."

She laughed again. "You trying to bump up your wage?"

"No, I mean it," I told her. "You're the best person I know, aside from my dad."

Her eyes glistened with tears as she gave me one of those motherly looks: Head tilted, proud smile and rapidly blinking eyes.

"I assume that when you say that, it's a compliment. You haven't talked a lot about him so I don't know for sure that being compared to your dad is so great," she teased.

I grinned against the ache in my chest. "No, trust me, it's a compliment."

"Thanks, Bella," she told me then took a deep breath. "I haven't been able to sleep since Carlisle fell a few weeks ago."

"Is he okay? Did the blood tests come back bad?"

She waved me off. "Oh, they say that he's fine. A little over a year after Sarah was killed, he uncharacteristically tumbled down our basement steps and broke his right leg. When I say 'uncharacteristically', I mean the man is as graceful as a Palomino. He does the waltz like it was something he was born to do. When he fell, I knew deep down that something was wrong." She cleared her throat and looked down at her fidgeting hands. "I was right. The x-rays showed a tumor on his right femur. It wasn't operable so they amputated his right leg."

"Oh God, Esme," I whispered. "That's horrible."

She made a sound that was meant to replace a "no shit". "The worst of it was the Chemo."

"How long did he have to go to Chemo?"

"Five months with a month break somewhere between. He had always been my rock and I thought I was losing him. One night I was tucking him into bed, hoping that his soup stayed down, when he looked up at me and smiled." Subconsciously, she picked up a book and started thumbing at the soft edged pages. "He told me that I was beautiful and that he was sorry for putting me through this."

"Wow," I said through a smile. "Sounds like you have a hell of a man, there."

She smiled through her tears. "Oh, you have no idea. Anyway, after he said that to me, I broke down. All the fears and doubts and anger that I had bottled up inside me just let loose on this poor, suffering one-legged man who only wanted to sleep. But you know what he did?"

"What?"

"He held me and kissed my forehead and whispered to me that everything was going to be alright. I was the one who should have been saying those things to him." She let a sob burst from her throat. "He took care of me when he was at his weakest moment. When he fell, I thought it was happening all over again. I thought I was losing him."

"But he's okay," I said, swiping at my own tear.

She nodded and smiled. "As he told me the other day, his graceful leg must have been his right because all his left wants to do is go in circles."

I laughed and admiration for a man I had never met face-to-face grew ten fold. I almost loved him.

"What we fought about this morning was the same fight that happens every year on this day. Three years ago today, Sarah was killed."

"Sarah was your daughter?"

She nodded. "It was so unexpected and I blamed myself for what happened. Carlisle was the one who kept me from falling apart that time, too. I thought about killing myself for God's sakes and if it weren't for him, I would have." She gave her eyes another swipe before continuing, "He showed me that I could grieve for her and not only continue to live but be happy."

"Why do you blame yourself for Sarah's death?" I asked.

She smiled softly when her eyes lifted to mine. "Do you remember when I told you that you remind me of her?" I nodded, wondering where this was going. "You're afraid of someone, Bella, you can't deny that. I saw it in your eyes the moment I met you."

My speechlessness had nothing to do with trust at this point. I would have told Esme everything but this was not about me. This was not the time to unleash all my woes on her.

"She was murdered," she finally admitted, "by her husband."

My mouth fell open and tears fell down my cheeks. Sarah and I were more alike than I realized.

"We always loved Riley and we refused to see what was so obvious. They even lived in Chicago and we didn't see it. There were so many signs that I didn't think about until she was gone: Her fear of disappointing him, the long sleeved t-shirts in the middle of the summer, the bags under her eyes. I just looked past it. What I saw was a new wife trying hard to please her new husband.

"Then one day, a police officer showed up on my door with news that Riley had killed Sarah then turned the gun on himself. She was only twenty three years old."

"I'm so sorry, Esme," I cried.

"I became obsessed with every little detail of her life with Riley and saw so many things that were warnings. I didn't understand why she didn't come to me or Carlisle. She knew that we would have protected her," she sobbed.

My heart broke for her and her unanswered questions.

"Then when you walked in the door, I knew…all I had to do was take a look at you and I knew that you had gotten away. Your sweater in the middle of June, the flinch when I reached out to you, the terrified look in your eyes; I knew you were running from someone. That's when I felt like I had a second chance."

"Oh, Esme," I said. "What happened to Sarah wasn't your fault. He was obviously psychotic and really good at hiding it because otherwise Sarah wouldn't have married him. He probably threatened you and Carlisle; she was terrified that if she went to you or the police, he'd kill you." She didn't look to feel better with my words but she needed to hear them. "She was protecting you."

She took a deep breath and blew it out with force. "I didn't mean to lose it today. Some days, I just feel like I've absolutely lost my mind."

I quirked an eyebrow and offered, "We all do, trust me."

Just then, the bell alerting us of the arrival of a customer sounded out in the store. Esme glanced at me and chuckled. She swiped frantically at her cheeks and eyes and I followed the movement with my eyes. Esme had no idea how good she was and how guilt over something that wasn't her fault would ruin her. Suddenly, I couldn't imagine my life without her.

"Look at us," she said, "we're a mess!"

I laughed. "Hopefully, it's Mrs. Glenn; she's blind as a bat."

It was true. Mrs. Glenn came to _Blossom's _purely for the Audiobooks, with a magnifying glass in hand to read the book summaries on the back. Most times, one of us would read them for her and she'd always go for the historical romances.

Esme laughed. "Our luck, it will be some hot college guy with an eye for emotionally stable women."

I waved my hand in dismissal. "You can have him!"

On my walk home, I kept getting choked up about Esme. Her daughter had been through what was inevitable for me, if I hadn't gotten out when I did. Living with James wouldn't have equaled a long, happy life. I'd been stupid to go to Oklahoma with him. I got on a bus with a man that I didn't even know, and put a ring on my finger that signified love for him that I didn't have. Knowing that I could have avoided a good percentage of his abuse if I had only followed my instincts in the beginning was pitiful. In a way, I'd done it to myself. Silly little Bella, running off to get married to a man she hoped to love one day. Well, silly little Bella was now running for her life because she was too nice to tell him no. Pathetic.

Esme also made me think of my dad and how he would have felt if the gun that was pointed at my head at times, had gone off. What if James had followed through on his promises to let the bullet in the chamber be the one? My dad, being a police officer, would have taken the blame for his daughter's death—just like Esme had with Sarah's.

When I got home, I tried to eat. Rose called my phone and I jumped at the sound. She asked me if I wanted to join them for dinner and I declined, making up some excuse about a miserable headache. The headache was real but the reason for not joining them was my dad. I couldn't get him out of my head.

My biggest fear was James catching up to me, finding me and then torturing me with his sadistic forms of punishment. If I happened to die in the process, I couldn't let my father think that any of it was his fault. James was too sneaky and psychotic and smart to leave evidence behind but I knew that my father was smarter. He'd eventually learn the truth and it would haunt him for the rest of his life.

The first time I picked up my phone, my hands shook so violently that it dropped to the floor. I cursed to myself as I put the battery that had snapped out of the back, into the small, cheap phone. The second time, my grip nearly crushed the phone and it took me three tries to get his number in. My fingers felt huge on the tiny keys and my lungs ached for breath that I kept forgetting to give them.

I had hit *67 first, to block my number; my dad was never into new technology like caller ID but since I was missing, he'd probably gotten it as a precaution in case I called. The time between the beep of the last digit and the first ring seemed like ages. My hand twitched multiple times to hang up but I every time I was tempted, I saw the pain in Esme's eyes.

"Chief Swan, here," were his first words. I wanted to weep. Using it as a cork, I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sob. "Hello?"

I couldn't speak. How could I? What would I say? Why didn't I think of what to say before I had called? Oh, right—I did. With a deep breath in, I opened my mouth but nothing would come out.

"Hello?" He was starting to sound annoyed. Just like that day he caught me sweeping dirt under the rug instead of pouring it into the trash can.

"Bella, is that you?" Now his tone was desperate, lonely, and sad.

My cheeks itched with tears and my eyes clamped shut.

"Bella, if that's you, say something. We're worried sick about you," he said. There was such desperation in his voice, something I'd never heard before. "James will be upset that he missed your call. He's a wreck, not knowing if you're okay or not."

The longing and sadness that had forced my tears from hearing my dad's voice were put to a halt. James was there. I had to hang up.

"We understand if you got cold feet about the wedding," my dad explained. "All of us just want you back, safe and sound."

So, that was it: James had told them that I'd gotten cold feet and went all runaway bride on him. Of course, my dad believed it. He knew how frayed my nerves were about holy matrimony. A perfect explanation without getting the police involved. James was there, knowing that I'd contact my Dad.

"James thinks he knows where you are and he wants to come get you. He loves you, Bells." His voice cracked and it frightened me because I never imagined my dad cracking over anything. He was always the one with the answers, the one with the guts and no glory.

"I'm sorry, Dad," was all I could say.

He sobbed, then. It was loud and wet, like the sputter of a motor boat. "I knew it was you."

"I'm in Florida," I mumbled, closing my eyes because lying to him had never been easy. "I'm in Florida."

Then I hung up. My knees gave out and my body collapsed in on itself like folding table. I cried until my chest heaved and my lungs ached. I cried until I could no longer keep my eyes open. I cried until my throat grew sore and snot ran freely from my nose.

James was there. He was staying with my dad. It was his own little way of threatening me, even when he didn't know where I was. I felt more lost in that moment than I ever had before. There was no way I could call my dad again, knowing that there was a chance that James would answer the phone. He'd make threats to my dad's life and I'd have to protect him. _How could I not?_

Finally, I got up. I had reached the end of my rope. I needed to talk to someone and it needed to be soon or I'd explode. What I needed was someone to tell me that I was doing the right thing by running to the opposite side of the country from the one person I knew would protect me with his life.

After splashing water over my face, I dragged myself across the hall and tapped on Rose's door. It was after eight so the kids would be sleeping, praise the heavens. A few minutes later, she opened the door and her face dropped when she saw me.

"Christ, what happened?" she asked.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before answering, "I want to tell you why I'm here."

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><p><strong><em>AN: So...sorry to leave you hanging. I'll update on Thursday or Friday. Probably, Thursday since my little man is not in school on Fridays. Who the hell knows, I have no patience so it might be tomorrow. _**

**_I appreciate every review. If you've left an anonymous review, I can't reply but just know that I appreciate that just as much. I'd love to know if you have any theories on where this is going-some of you already do and it's awesome! How do you all feel about Bella not telling Charlie where she is? _ **


	9. Chapter eight Us against the world

_**A/N: I've come to a conclusion the past couple of days (sorry, I'm a little slow)-My readers are the best in the entire fandom. Your comments, reviews, opinions are absolutely amazing. No matter how short or how long, they constantly inspire me to write. You have no idea how amazing it is to know how strongly some of you feel about my story. I thank all of you SO much. :)**_

_****Warning** This chapter contains dark themes. I tried to keep details out because I don't think they are completely necessary to be able to sense what Bella went through. But, be warned...**_

_**Thanks to Softragoo, my glorious prereader. :)**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns the Twilight Universe.**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Eight<strong>_

Rose sat me down on her couch with a roll of toilet paper for my tears, and a beer she had hidden in the back of the fridge. She apologized for not having anything stronger before she excused herself and went to the kitchen. My eyes burned and my throat ached; all I wanted to do was sleep but here I was. There was no turning back now. I imagined myself standing up, smiling at Rose and yelling out, "Gotcha!"

She wasn't going to let me leave without telling her the truth. It was the right thing to do. I had to purge this because keeping it inside would turn my brain to mush. I'd end up one of those crazy ladies who slept on benches in the park, spouting useless facts to the hungry pigeons at her feet.

She came back in and sat across from me on her coffee table. With her arms wrapped around her torso, she stared at me. I felt like a wild animal. The feral kitten, waiting to be scruffed and sedated so that safe hands could make sure I was healthy. I wondered what her reaction would be if I suddenly hissed.

"So," I started.

She held her hand up to stop me. "We're waiting on Edward."

My eyes bulged out of my head. "What? Why did you call him? I didn't…"

She sighed. "He's going to help you, Bella." I opened my mouth to argue but she gave me a look. It was the same look she gives Emily when she asks for five more minutes before bed. It had the same affect on me as it does Emily. "Just trust me, Bella."

I puffed out my cheeks with a defeated breath.

"How's your beer?"

"Fine."

"You hungry?"

"No."

She crossed her arms over her chest, giving me the look again. "Bella, I didn't ask Edward over here to embarrass you. The man walks you to work, for God's sake. You don't have to go into all the sordid details, unless you want to." A pregnant pause filled the silence then she added, "You're the one who knocked on _my_ door, remember?"

My eyebrows flew up. "Right. I knocked on your door, Rose, not Edward's door. You should have asked me if I wanted him here or not before calling him up and inviting him over here. I already feel like some odd circus freak; I don't need an audience."

She frowned at me but I kept talking.

"This won't be a piece of cake for me to talk about with you, Rose. Do you think it will be easy to talk about with Edward here?" I leaned forward in an effort to get up off the couch. "I should just forget it."

"No! No, Bella, I'm sorry…you're right." It was obvious that the last two words were hard for her since she was used to arguing with a ten year old. "I wasn't thinking. I guess I just know Edward so well that I don't see how you can find him threatening."

I looked at her incredulously. "You don't?"

She puckered her mouth in an effort to hide a grin. "He's like a loyal puppy."

"Puppies have teeth," I noted. "Puppies chew on your shoes and pee on your carpet."

"I haven't caught him peeing on my carpet, yet," she said, a smirk on her face.

"The key word in that sentence is 'caught'," I said, unable to keep from grinning. I'd just suggested to Rose that Edward peed on her carpet. How do you not smile at that?

She leaned forward and her expression grew serious. "What I'm saying, Bella, is if you let Edward in, you'll never regret it. I promise you that."

As if he'd been waiting for that cue, the lock clicked and he walked into the apartment. The first thing I noticed, of course, was the hair. It seemed more unruly than ever which would have been unfathomable before that moment. He looked tired, his face dragging with paleness and exhaustion. The tattoo that peeked out along his shoulder seemed much darker and angrier. His signature t-shirt was black but the tiny holes were still present: One along the neck line and another near his stomach. His black jeans lay loosely on his narrow hips; his front pocket bulged with his keys. The black boots that clomped across the floor were untied, as if he was in too much of a hurry to lace them.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Uh…sorry, Edward, but I called you over on accident," Rose said, making sure it was loud enough for me to hear. "You'll have to go home now."

Edward gave me a double take. "Bella, what's wrong?"

Rose put two hands on Edward's chest and started pushing him to the door. He backpedalled slowly, only because he was allowing Rose to push him, but his eyes remained glued to my face.

"Edward, this is between me and Bella. I'm sorry that I—"

"Bullshit," Edward said through his teeth. "Did that fucker across the hall say something because if he did…"

"Why do you hate him so much?" Rose asked, stopping the pushing long enough to look up at him. "Jake is actually a really nice guy. You have no reason to—"

"Well, if it wasn't him, what was it?"

I rolled my eyes. "Rose, it's okay."

She didn't hear me. "Bella just had a bad day, is all. She'll be fine in just a—"

"Bella, do you want me to leave?" Edward asked.

His flaming eyes gazed at me and almost made up my mind for me. I hoped, no prayed, that I didn't make my decision based on fear. I didn't feel afraid. I wasn't trembling because of Edward; it was because of the phone call. It was because of James.

"No, it's fine," I relented.

Rose stopped pushing on Edward and turned to face me. "Are you sure?"

As I looked between the two of them, Rose panted a little with her tongue out to remind me of the comparison we'd discussed before Edward arrived.

He glanced at her and caught her with her tongue out. "What are you doing?"

There was an audible pop when she snapped her tongue back in her mouth. "Nothing; I'm not doing anything."

He furrowed his brows at her but must have decided that an argument wasn't worth it. When he looked at me, waiting for me to invite him in on the conversation, I couldn't help but smile. The past five minutes of listening to the bickering twins had made me feel ten times better. That's when I realized that I needed these people and if I couldn't trust them, then who could I trust?

"Is that a yes?" Rose asked.

I waved both of them over. "Come on," I said.

They both hurried over and sat down. Edward took Rose's place on the coffee table; he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. Rose sat sideways on the couch with her leg drawn up under her. The scar on her jaw line was so apparent from that angle that I was tempted to run my fingertip over it. A remarkable sense of anger rose up in me as I wondered who and why that scar was there. It was long and obvious, a clear sign that Rose hadn't had an easy life. But here she was, waiting for me to tell her about the only nine months out of my life that hadn't been close to perfect.

"I met James when I was twenty one," I began. "I was a sophomore at U-Dub and he was a senior. When he first started asking me out, I declined because I was on scholarship and I didn't want to screw it up by focusing on my personal life. He seemed sweet and nice so eventually, I caved and went on a date with him. I told myself that one date and that was it—but a first turned into a second and so on…

"We dated until he graduated. He was always a gentleman with me. My dad loved him because he planned on joining the Marines after he finished with school. I wasn't sure if he liked him more for serving his country or the fact that he wouldn't be around to take me away from my school work. To make a long story short, James left right before my junior year for boot camp and I stayed at school. I was sad to see him go but…" I trailed off, thinking back on the day I said goodbye to him at the airport. Even though I'd slept with him, I'd never really felt connected with him.

"I figured he'd go to boot camp, meet some pretty southern girl and I'd get a 'Dear John' letter. It had been the opposite. He'd written me constantly and his emotions were so intense that I felt guilty for not feeling them back. I had thought something was wrong with me. I tried to force myself to tell him that I loved him when we talked on the phone but it had to have sounded fake."

"Why didn't you just break up with him?" Edward asked.

Rose shot him an annoyed look. "You save your questions for the end, Edward."

"If I save it for the end, I'll just forget," he explained.

"It's a standard rule for conversations like this," she spat. "Obviously, you don't have many deep conversations with women."

"Seems that way, since the only woman I have conversations with is you!"

I clapped twice to break it up. My face was tight with a grin; it felt so foreign.

"Can I just say…can I just say that…" I started but stopped myself when I realized I was about to tell them that I loved them. I loved their relationship. I loved their bickering. I loved everything about the two of them because just their presence put a smile on my face. I stopped myself because the emotion of love was a strong thing and it made me feel vulnerable. Surely, I didn't love Edward because I didn't know him. I loved the way he made me forget my problems, even though I was talking about it out loud for the first time. I loved that he could make me smile when my insides were caving in and collapsing with fear and grief. They did that for me, Rose and Edward, and I loved them for it.

Then I was crying. And smiling. At the same time. Rose took my hand and shot me a knowing smile.

"Are you happy or sad?" Edward asked then glared at Rose. "Or am I supposed to hold that question until the end?"

"I guess I'm a little of both," I told him.

He leaned back and puffed out his cheeks with air. "Deep conversations with women are confusing."

"Continue, Bella," Rose said.

"Where was I? Oh, yeah, why didn't I break up with him? Well, I started to at one point. I had the whole conversation planned out in my brain. Then he told me he was going overseas, to war. He cried and asked me to wait for him. I couldn't…how could I?" I rubbed my face with my hands and Rose tore off a good portion of toilet paper for me so that I could blow my nose. "I couldn't just break up with him. If he died in Iraq, I'd never forgive myself. So, I told myself to just deal with it and when he returned, I'd break it off.

"So, two years go by and I don't see him. He writes diligently for the first year and a half and calls when he can. I'm so busy with school that I don't have time to really think about how I felt about him. I cared for him and at the time, it was enough. He stopped writing and calling a year and a half after he left—just like that." I snapped my fingers to emphasize the suddenness of the halt of communication.

"Did you try to call him?" Edward asked.

Rose didn't scold him for his middle-of-the-story-question.

"I wrote to him, told him that I hoped he was okay. I got no response," I told them. "I figured that he'd found someone else and his silence was his way of cutting me out of his life. I worried but I didn't fret over it. After a few months, I even went out on a couple of dates; nothing serious, just having fun before midterms, that sort of thing."

"Then what?" Rose asked, looking at me with anticipation. I was a living, breathing _Days of Our Lives_ episode.

"James showed up at my dad's house one day looking for me. He knew where I lived in Seattle, even though he'd never been to my apartment—that's where he'd sent all the letters. My dad called me and I went to Forks, where my dad lives, and it was like…like…nothing had happened. He hugged me, told me how much he missed me and broke down into tears right there on my dad's front porch."

"What did you say?" Rose asked, leaning toward me, her features taut with suspense. Apparently, Rose was breaking her deep conversations rule.

"What could I say? The man had just been to hell and back and now he was sitting on my porch with his head in my lap, bawling his eyes out. Then…" I took a deep breath and let it out with my eyes closed. "Then, he asked me to marry him."

They blinked at me.

"And I did something really freaking stupid and said 'yes'."

The blinking ceased and then I got grumbles of disagreement from Edward and long dramatic sighs from Rose.

"Why did you say yes?" Edward asked. "You didn't really want to marry him, did you?"

I stared at my feet. "He was so broken and I thought…"

"You thought what?" Rose asked. "We're not judging you, Bella. We just want to know what we're up against."

"I thought that I could learn to love him; I thought that I owed him that much." I tore off a few squares of toilet paper and rubbed my cheeks with it. "So, a week later, I was boarding a bus for Oklahoma."

"Why Oklahoma?" Edward asked.

"He was out of Iraq but he was still in the Marines," I told him. "That's where he was stationed; he had a house at the base." I looked down to see parts of the toilet paper shredded to pieces all over my lap. "The bus ride was the first time he seemed different. There was a…a stiffness to him, almost like he wasn't human. A woman stepped on his foot on accident, she apologized and he didn't even acknowledge her. At the time, I thought that he'd seen something in Iraq…I thought maybe, something bad had happened and he just needed to talk about it. I was going to talk to him about counseling but there wasn't time."

"Why wasn't there time, Bella?" Edward asked, already knowing the answer. I could see it in his eyes, just like I could see every emotion in that deep, cryptic stare.

"He made it clear, the minute we stepped into the house in Oklahoma, that there were rules. That was the first night he hit me."

I started shaking and my stomach clenched as they stared at me. Rose grabbed my hand again and squeezed. I was grateful for the contact.

"I didn't even do anything; he just…wanted me to fear him, I guess. That first night, I stood up to him after he hit me, told him that I was leaving." I let out a humorless laugh. "He made it so I couldn't."

Edward's eyes widened in shock. "What the fuck did he do?"

"He handcuffed me to a chair…no, it was the banister for the stairs to the second floor. I was there until morning, and…"—I laughed again, a sob mixed in with the sound. "I thought I'd show him and give him the silent treatment. Back then, I thought I'd just wait until he left for the day and I'd be gone. There was no chance I'd stick around to see what happened on day two. That wasn't about to happen. He made sure that I stayed put.

"While he stuffed my mouth with a sock and duct taped it around my head, he told me that he knew I'd cheated on him when he was gone. He asked me if I knew how much it hurt him when he found out. I tried to shake my head, to tell him that I didn't know what he was talking about but he kicked me in the stomach. I almost choked on my own vomit that day. Sometimes, I wish I had."

"You don't have to go into all the details, Bella, unless you want to," Rose said, stroking my wrist with her thumb. "Just tell us about your trip to Chicago."

I smiled sadly. "James had planned our wedding, without my knowledge. He'd sent the invitations. Bought my dress. Hell, he even picked out the freaking flowers! We were set to be married within the month." I closed my eyes and shook my head at the memory of the day he'd told me. His eyes shone with laughter and his mouth grinned as the words passed his lips. "I wouldn't…I couldn't…do it."

"Didn't your dad call?" Edward asked. "He should have known something was up when he didn't hear from you, right?"

"Oh, he heard from me, all right," I said, shuddering and closing my eyes at the memory. "This is the worst part."

Rose sat back on the couch looking defeated. Edward looked like he was being forced to swallow expired cottage cheese.

"James would bring these girls into the house, mostly on weekends. They were always unconscious and drunk, but barely clothed. That was when he instructed me to call my dad," I said.

Edward shook his head. "I don't understand."

"Son of a bitch," Rose whispered harshly. She got it. "He used those girls as ransom for you to play it up pretty to your father, didn't he?"

I nodded, my eyes filling with tears. So many girls. Most of them were young, pretty and they looked so innocent, like they were sleeping as he dropped them down on the sofa next to me. He'd stroke their cheeks, arrange their hair and sometimes, he'd call them by name. I had assumed that they'd been drugged. Picked up in a bar with James' good looks and his false charm then he'd take them out to his truck where he promised to share his secret stash of pot with them. They'd pass out and he'd deliver them to me like some sort of deranged sacrifice.

"He'd put a knife to their throats, threaten to pour bleach down their mouths while they were knocked out, or hold his loaded .22 to their temples. One time, I told him to go to hell…I think it was the second time, and he…he killed her." Tears burned down my cheeks and my face distorted with grief.

"Christ," Edward hissed.

Rose let out an, "Oh, God."

"He grabbed her off the couch and broke her neck—just like he was trained to do. It was…my fault. She should still be alive. She should still…if it weren't for me, she'd still…"

I put my hands over my face and let loose. Rose comforted me in a hug and I wasn't sure what Edward was doing but I could hear the distinct sound of knuckles meeting scruff. The image of that lifeless, pale girl being dragged out of the house, her blond curls bouncing with each step he took, was burned into my brain. I thought for a moment that I was going to die right with her; perhaps, a part of me actually did. I'd never feared for my life until that moment. A part of me didn't think he had it in him to actually do it until I heard the crack of her neck and saw the hollow glint in his eyes.

It took me ten good minutes to cry it out before I was able to continue.

"That was the day I started planning my escape," I croaked. "My mom and dad had both given me money for my college graduation. It was start up money, so that I could put a down payment down on a house, eventually. For some reason, I hadn't told James about it before I'd come to Oklahoma. Maybe, a part of me saw something that made me hold back…I don't know."

"How long did you wait to leave?" Rose asked. Her voice was so tender, like it was when she spoke to Sammy after he took a fall. I wanted her to hug me again but felt too embarrassed to ask.

"I was in Oklahoma for nine months." I reached for the courage to meet their eyes. Edward was angry, sad, confused. Rose just looked sad. "James usually kept me tied down during the day, while he was at work. Sometimes, he'd put me in the basement and other times, the bathroom. I had to do some convincing, but a week before the wedding was supposed to happen, he left me untied."

Internally, I cringed because the "convincing" that I had to do was humiliating and unnerving. I had to tell him that I loved him; I had to pretend to like everything he did to me, everything he said. The act had to be persuasive and gradual; he wouldn't believe me if one day I started walking around the house with a smile on my face. It took me three weeks before he agreed to leave me free in the house so that I could "try on my wedding dress". It was the hardest, most difficult three weeks of my life.

"My getaway money was in a checking account in Seattle. I called, had most of it wired to a bank in Missouri. After I left the house, I was positive that James had someone watching the house." I smiled as I remembered the feeling of walking outside, putting on a show of skipping down steps and whistling _The Wedding March_. "I called a cab and went to Target."

Rose scrunched up her face. "Target?"

I let out a wet laugh. "It was the first place I could think of. I snuck out the back door, walked a couple of miles to a pay phone and called another cab that took me to the bank in Missouri. That's where I put my finger on a map, and blindly chose Chicago as my destination."

"You chose Chicago with your eyes closed?" Edward asked.

I nodded.

"Damn, you're lucky," Rose laughed and her face lit up. "You found us!"

Edward wasn't amused but I laughed with her. It was true. I couldn't have found a better place. I had to believe in some higher power, me being led to Esme and Rose and, I suppose, Edward.

"Why didn't you go to your dad?" Edward asked.

The smile fell off my face and the lump was back in my throat. "James had threatened to kill my dad and my mom if I ever left him. I wanted to stay as far away from them as I could," I told them. "I figured that James would keep an eye on my dad for a while, knowing that eventually, I'd call him. If he knew I was missing, my dad would have the entire state of Oklahoma out looking for me."

They both gave me puzzled looks.

"He's a cop," I told them.

Edward gulped and leaned back with a sigh. "You didn't think that he could protect himself? And you?"

"It may have been stupid to avoid going back to Forks but I was in survival mode," I explained. "All I wanted was to get James out of my life and if disappearing was what it took, then that's what I was going to do."

"I just…it just seems so much simpler to go to your father who is—"

"Edward!" Rose cut him off. "Seriously?"

I swallowed the ache in my throat but it came back three fold. "I love my dad more than anyone. If my presence put him in any danger, I…I saw what James could do if he got angry. I couldn't live with myself if…"

Rose wrapped her arms around me again. "It's okay, sweetie. Edward is just being an asshole."

Then they started arguing in hissed whispers that eventually, in their typical way, made me feel better.

"How…what…I was just asking, for fuck's sake."

"Well, you could be a little more sympathetic!"

"I am being sympathetic! You know I don't particularly like comforting people! I just want to—"

"You're being a jerk! Bella needs our help and you're—"

"I'm here, aren't I? I want to help her just as much as you do!"

"Then stop being an asshole!"

"If you call me an asshole one more time, I'll tell Emmett about your secret career!"

Rose sucked in a breath by my ear. "You know you can't tell Emmett about my job! He'll blow a gasket!"

"Well, then, I suggest not calling me an asshole again."

"Fine. Asshole."

"You wait…you just wait, Rose."

Having had enough, I pushed Rose off with a sigh. "When I moved to Chicago, I didn't know that I was acquiring two children."

Rose put her hand on her chest and smiled. "Oh, that's sweet that you consider Emily and Sam to be…"

Edward shook his head. "She was talking about us, Genius."

The smile dropped from Rose's face and she cocked an eyebrow at me. "He's the one being an—"I clamped a hand over her mouth before she could finish.

"Fifty bucks says the next word out of her mouth is 'asshole'," Edward grumbled.

I released my hand and Rose cheerfully pressed her lips together. Edward flipped her off. Rose stuck out her tongue.

"That's real mature," he said to her.

"Guys!" I broke in. "I appreciate the effort to make me feel better by using your amazing bickering skills, but enough already!"

Edward looked slightly offended. Rose looked satisfied.

"Before I came over here, I called my dad," I confessed. "It's the whole reason I had a breakdown."

Edward raised his eyebrows. "You did? Call your dad, I mean. I saw the remnants of the breakdown portion of it."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, and…James was there."

The silence could have been sliced with a knife.

"I didn't say much to him…I just listened to his voice and let him assume it was me. After I found out that James had been staying there, hoping that I'd call, I freaked and blurted out that I was in Florida."

"Then what?" Rose asked.

"I hung up." I shrugged and sniffed. "You know, breakdown and all."

The hesitation in both of them was clear. I wondered, briefly, if I'd said too much. Sometimes, you think you want to know something and then you do and it's not the kind of information you wanted to hear. That described the looks on both of their faces: Disturbed shock and a little cluelessness.

Rose verbalized her cluelessness. "What are you going to do?"

I shook my head. "I don't know but I can't call my dad again. He said that…" I took a deep breath and blew it out through pursed lips. "He told me that James thinks he knows where I am and that he's going to try and find me."

"Did he say where?" Rose asked.

"No, but James sure as hell won't believe that I'm in Florida, that's for sure." I wrapped my arms around myself and leaned forward on the couch. "When I left Oklahoma, I was careful; I covered my tracks. If James found out that I'm in Chicago, I don't know how but I still feel like a sitting duck. I'd understand if you guys want me to leave; I wouldn't want to put Sam or Emily in any danger."

Rose snorted. "Emily can handle herself," she joked but she sobered quickly. "We're careful around here, Bella. We don't keep our doors unlocked, we don't go on midnight strolls through the park, and we watch out for each other. You're our friend and you're not going anywhere."

She pulled me toward her, wrapping her strong arms around me once again. It felt good, so good. I felt like something toxic was seeping out of my body as my tears landed on her collar bone. Amazing Grace was starting to play in my head; the part about once being blind and now being able to see was playing on repeat. How had I not trusted this girl before? She'd trusted me with her children and she'd shared details of her life that could have been used against her. The trust she had in me from the beginning was remarkable and it single-handedly put some of the memories from Oklahoma in the grave. There were plenty left but each day, they got easier to bury. Each day, a part of me that had been ruined was being covered with new life, new skin, new breath.

"A scared, little puppy," Edward said, breaking the silence. "That's what you remind me of."

Rose pulled away. "What?"

"Bella, you're terrified of this douche bag, right? You don't want him to find you?"

Rose answered for me before I had time to squeak out an answer. "Edward, what do _you_ think?"

He narrowed his eyes at his friend and spat, "I'm talking to Bella, Rose." He turned his attention back to me and his expression softened. But the fire was still there, roaring in his glare. "Well?"

"Of-of course, I don't," I squeaked.

He chuckled. "You're so…tiny and…and fractured. Don't you see? You're screwed either way!"

The maniacal tone to his voice had me shivering. My first reaction was to run; to get away because I didn't like what he was going to tell me. I didn't want to see where this conversation was going to go because it wouldn't be pleasant.

"Get to the point, Mr. Subtle," Rose grumbled.

"What I'm saying is that this asshole could stay away for the rest of your life but you'll still be this terrified little puppy, peeking around corners and waiting to be attacked. You'll be afraid to live your life every day and who the fuck knows if you'll ever see your Dad again.

"This…asshole could give up searching for you tomorrow and you'll never know it because you have already given up the fight. You're surrendering to him in one way or another, whether that's with him or without him."

My hands balled up into fists. Anger sliced through me; my body grew hot and my muscles quivered. I stood up and he seemed to shrink as he continued to sit on the coffee table in front of me. As true as his insinuations were, I wouldn't be called a quitter.

"Do you know what it took to leave him?" I asked through my teeth. "Do you know what I went through on an everyday basis while I lived with that man? Do you…"—a sob escaped from my throat but I kept going. "I was living in hell and I had to…the things that I had to do just to give me an opportunity to escape were…despicable. But I did them because I wanted out! I'm a fighter, whether you want to believe me or not!"

A smile grew on Edward's face and Rose was quieter than I'd ever heard her. There was tension between the three of us, it was undeniable. But there was something else there, too. A bond. It was something I hadn't ever felt with someone who's DNA didn't match mine. The bond was strong and seemingly unbreakable.

"Oh, I believe you, Bella," Edward said. "Now we just have to convince you of that."

I plopped down on the couch, a little giddy that I'd stood up for myself but irritated that I'd let Edward bait me into it. "I just told you what I believe."

Edward shook his head. "No, you don't."

"Don't tell me what I believe."

He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "What would you do if he found you, Bella? Think about it…what would you do if you heard him knocking on your door?"

I swallowed. "I don't know; I'd probably crawl out a window and run."

"Where would you go?"

"I don't know—probably, I'd just pick a random city like I did last time." He answered me with pressed lips and his usual fiery expression. "What am I supposed to do? Let him take me back? Let him kill me? Get someone else hurt? What am I supposed to do, Edward?"

His grin told me that he was satisfied with the question but Rose was the one who answered.

"You fight back, Bella."

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><p><em><strong>AN: In case you didn't catch it (which I'm sure you did), Edward is baiting Bella at the end, trying to fire her up again. Rose was a little out of line for inviting Edward in without Bella's permission but she has her reasons for Edward knowing, even if she goes about it the wrong way. **_

_**I know parts of this were hard to read and I totally appreciate you all suffering through the traumatic parts. Means a lot to me! Anybody have any idea how Bella is going to learn how to fight James?**_


	10. Chapter nine  Road full of promise

_**A/N: Thanks for the support! I adore you all! This is a little bit of a lighter chapter and we learn more about some of the other characters. I'd appreciate any feedback-sometimes, I tend to put too much detail into my writing so if I start blabbing on and on about something, let me know. This chapter is a little bit longer, too. :)**_

_**I have a song rec. for this chapter: "Kiss With a Fist" by Florence and The Machine. It's a kick ass song that is awesome to listen to if you're running. Not that I do that. I don't have time to do that. I'm too busy writing. *shrugs* At least my typing fingers are in shape.**_

_**Thank you, Softragoo for your sometimes inappropriately perverted bubbles. I love them.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer is a genius. I am not.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Nine<strong>_

I was on a Merry-Go-Round in my dream. There was no one else on it with me; I was a solitary rider. The metal horse I'd chosen was proud and it nickered with his head in the air, frozen as his teeth clashed with some invisible enemy. Even though my horse was frozen in action, it still rose and fell with the motion of the ride. It was fun. I was laughing and I could feel the wind rush through my hair as it went round and round. The sun was out. The birds were singing. I closed my eyes and inhaled the stuffy city air around me.

When I opened them, the motion of the ride quickened. It spun faster and faster, the sound of the motor making a clanking sound as it struggled to keep up with the order. I tried to dismount my proud stallion but my hands were glued to the pole. My thighs were stuck to the cold, metal saddle.

It went faster and I could feel the pull of force as my body wanted to go one way but I wasn't allowed. I couldn't get off but I couldn't stay on. The trees around me became a green blur and the clouds twirled in the sky.

Then I fell. I jerked awake.

There was knocking. I sat up, jackknifed at the hips in an effort to focus on my whereabouts. I blinked away sleep. Adrenaline was pumping through my blood as memories of my dream floated out of my mind until all I could remember was bits and pieces. A metal horse. Stuffy air. Falling.

Had there been knocking?

Yes, I was sure that I had heard knocking. I stiffened at the silence. My living room light was on. My bedroom light was on. The dark took its toll on me and the sleepless nights weren't worth it to save face. All kinds of things could happen in the dark and you wouldn't even see it coming. I was hunted in the dark.

The knocking came again. Fast, hard knocks. Manly knocks that stunk of agitation.

I rose from my bed, wrapped a blanket around me and walked down the hallway. I flipped the bathroom light on as I walked by, just because.

"Yes?" I called out through the door.

"You ready?" Edward asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows. Ready for what? My silence and the delay between his first knock and my response answered his question.

"You didn't remember?" He was irritated.

I blinked rapidly and pressed my lips together in hopes that a mental Post-It note would float out from some part of my brain. It was Sunday morning. I turned around and glanced at the clock. It was 6am. What in the heck was he doing here at 6am on a Sunday morning? I blinked some more and my face scrunched up.

"Can you open the door so I can refresh your memory?" he asked. "I'm not mad, in case you're wondering."

"Are you annoyed?"

"Oh yes, but I'm always a little annoyed about something. This morning, the object of my annoyance just happens to be you. Feel special?"

I grinned in spite of the last few minutes of confusion. As soon as I opened the door and saw Edward in a grey t-shirt and black running pants, I slapped my hand to my forehead.

"I am so sorry," I groaned. "I can't believe I forgot."

He sighed. "Can I at least come in while you get dressed?"

"We can start tomorrow," I told him with a wave of my hand. "It'll take me at least ten minutes to wake up."

"Oh no," he said, "we're starting today whether you're awake or not. I've been looking forward to this."

"Really?"

He tipped his head toward the hallway. "Go get dressed. I'm going to whip you up something to drink."

With a tired sigh, I dragged back to the bedroom, the blanket I'd grabbed lulling behind me like a caboose. When I got to my room, I shut the door. After some thought I locked it, and then unlocked it, then locked it again. I apologized to my bed with a look and thought about for a moment how good the mattress would feel if I were able to lay down on it. It wasn't much—just a twin size that sat on the floor and the pillow was flat but it would have felt so good to go back to it.

My pink sweatpants weren't stylish, with their elastic ankles and worn drawstrings, but I didn't care. They were a buck at the thrift store. I'd gotten a few t-shirts, too. As I pulled on the clothes, I thought about the agreement that we'd made a few nights ago. Edward was going to teach me to defend myself. He'd whip me into shape so that I wouldn't have to run if James discovered my location. We had agreed to start today, Sunday, at 6am—we were going to go for a run.

Rose's part of the challenge—which thrilled her to no end—was to work on my self-discovery. She was going to help me rediscover my identity and in her words, we were going to "have fun doing it." I cringed when she said it because in all honesty, it scared me. I reluctantly agreed, in hopes that her methods of therapy didn't include dancing in clubs or stripping me naked and picking apart my body.

As I opened my door and headed to the bathroom, the thought struck me that I was the equivalent to an adult science experiment. My reflection told me that I was indeed some form of experiment. My bangs, the biggest hair mistake of my life, sat like curled horns on my head. I really needed a straightener…or something. I watered them down, flattened them but they were resilient. Was this what Edward went through every morning? Resilient and stubborn hair? I suddenly felt a pang of pity for him, if my bangs equaled his entire scalp of hair. Impossible.

I settled on pinning it back with a few of Emily's tiny metal barrettes. They were pink and had tiny little kittens on them. Perfect. I pulled the rest of it up in a ponytail, thankful that my bangs hadn't talked the bulk of it into rebelling. Bastard bangs. Bastard barrettes. I needed coffee.

"Well," Edward said with raised eyebrows, "you look…pretty."

I frowned at him.

"Here's your water." He handed me a bottle of water from my fridge.

"I need coffee."

"No, you need water. We're going to go run and coffee will dehydrate you," He advised.

"Did you have coffee?"

He glared at me.

"You did. You had coffee. If you have coffee, I should get coffee. It's 6am, for God's sake. Why can't we do this at, like, 10am or a time after the sun has come up?"

"It's August," he said, calmly. "It's going to be ninety degrees at 10am."

I changed my strategy and tried to look sad.

He cursed and sighed, "Okay, how about we stop somewhere mid-way and we get you a coffee. How's that?"

"Okay, deal."

"I haven't run long distance since high school. This isn't going to be pretty," I muttered as we hit the bottom step outside our apartment. My eyes scanned the streets and surrounding houses. The sky was beginning to lighten with the impending threat of the sun but the shadows between the buildings and under the trees still loomed.

"How can it not be pretty when you're fashioned with _Hello Kitty_ accessories," he teased.

With my fingertips, I traced one of the barrettes. "Trust me, it's better that they stay in."

He pulled his foot behind him, stretching his quad and pointed down for me to mimic him. I did.

"I know. They were missing when you opened the door this morning. My vote is definitely with the _Hello Kitty_."

I snorted. "Like your hair is any better."

He moved into a hamstring stretch and I followed.

"At least I didn't strive for my hair. You actually went out and paid someone to cut it like that."

"How do you know?"

"Well, the first day I met you, your hair was longer and it didn't stick up like that. Why do women do that? Pay someone to try and look better when they look fine in the first place? Move onto your arms, now. I mean, fake hair, fake nails, fake skin…it's insane. Why?"

I obeyed him and pulled my arm over my head, my hand grasping my elbow in a nice slow pull. "I don't know why other women do it but I did it because I thought I could cut off my past with some quick swipes of scissors. I used to be so, I don't know, content with myself…comfortable so that I didn't think about why I put on make-up or why I cut my hair. I just did it because it made me feel good."

"So, it makes you feel good to get all dolled up?"

I laughed and did some calf raises. "I used to enjoy it; on occasion."

"Did you hop from bar to bar on campus and have a new guy begging for your attention every weekend?" He asked.

Slightly insulted, I snapped, "No, I studied my ass off and graduated with honors."

He smiled. "That's pretty amazing."

I was quiet for a while as we started to run. As uncooperative and seemingly inconsiderate as Edward was, I enjoyed his company. It was possible that I was starving for attention but I would almost say the bickering he thrived on was calming. It made me feel welcome. Like a friend.

"I'm still kind of stuck on the part where you remember my hair from the first day we met," I said with a smile. My breath was already running short in my lungs and my feet felt heavy.

He groaned. "I have a good memory."

"And I just learned recently that you have a car," I added.

"So?"

"So, you walked me to work that first day because…"

He was quiet, probably trying to formulate a good excuse. "My car was broken down."

I grinned. "Bullshit."

"Okay," he sighed, "so, I walked you to work because I wanted to make sure you got there okay. Is that all right with you?"

"I guess," I said. "It's a little stalkerish but, you know, you did save my life and all."

"I suppose it's a positive sign that you can still talk while you're running. It means that you're not as out of shape as you thought you were," he said then added, "I can push you harder."

His grin was wicked.

I groaned, "Oh great."

The wickedness of his grin matched his workout. We ran for three miles before he let me stop for coffee. I milked it, sipping and slurping instead of gulping like I wanted to do. He shifted on his feet impatiently as the sun rose higher into the blue cloudless sky.

"Are you sure you don't want anything? This is really good," I told him.

"No, aren't you done yet?"

I shook my head and sipped again.

"So, tell me about yourself, Edward," I said.

He avoided my eyes and said, "There's not much to tell."

"Oh come on," I prodded. "You know way more about me than I'm comfortable with so let's make it even." When that didn't work, I added, "I'll take bigger sips if the information is juicy."

The corner of his mouth twitched. "Hmmm…let's see, I like my steak medium rare. I don't drink alcohol. My favorite color is blue and I've always wanted a Golden Retriever. I'd name him Bert."

I stared at him. He waved his hand in a motion for me to drink.

"That's not very juicy."

He let out a Rose flavored sigh; it dripped with drama. "What do you want to know?"

"Well, let's see…" I had tons of questions burning on the end of my tongue but I didn't want to put him in a mood. There were lots of things about my life that I didn't want to go into detail about. I decided to test him without being obvious. "How did you meet Rose?"

"I met Emmett first and then I met Rose through him," he replied.

"How did you meet Emmett?"

His knuckles grazed the stubble on his jaw which was his sign for being uncomfortable. From my own assumptions, I was pretty certain how he met Emmett but I wanted him to tell me.

"I met him in prison," he answered, looking at my half-drunk cup of coffee. I took a big slurp and raised my eyebrows in a now-that's-juicy sort of way. "I met him when I was twenty and we became friends at Pekin. We made a deal before I got out that I'd watch over Rose and Emily so I moved to Chicago."

I took another long slurp.

"That's all," he said then frowned.

"What was the deal?" I asked.

He sighed. "I'll tell you if you finish that damn coffee so we can start running again."

"Do we have to do another three miles?"

Another wicked grin. "Oh, yes."

I drank the remaining caffeine down like it was nothing, crushed the Styrofoam cup in my hand and tossed it in the trash bin. He rolled his eyes at my obvious slacking and nodded his head toward the sidewalk.

"So?" I asked after we'd been running for a few minutes.

"Why is it so important?"

"If you don't want to tell me, that's fine but you're supposed to be teaching me to defend myself. How can I trust you to do that if you can't trust me? I won't judge you."

He cut his eyes to me. "You're telling me that you don't see me differently now that you know I'm an ex-con."

I shook my head the best I could, given the stitch forming in my side. I put my hand on it and pressed. "I think my Appendix is bursting."

He ignored my pain. "What if I told you that I killed someone?"

Now that was enough to take my mind off of the pain, I thought to myself.

"I'd probably poke and prod you with questions about whom this 'someone' was and why you felt it was necessary to kill them." I felt confident in my tone but I could feel the blood easing out of my face. After a silent prayer in hopes that I wouldn't faint, I peeked a glance at him. He was watching me with a curious expression, his eyes unmistakably glaring.

He turned away and picked up his pace. I moaned internally and followed suit. There was no way I could talk at that pace so I kept quiet, hoping that my Appendix wouldn't burst or that my feet didn't catch an uneven piece of pavement.

"When I was convicted I was only twenty, like I said, and I was about half the size that I am now. I was tall but scrawny. Pekin isn't a good place for a tall, scrawny kid with chin acne and absolutely no street smarts. The first day I was there, I got the shit kicked out of me by some Latino gang."

"Oh, my God," I was able to mumble in between pants.

"I was in the infirmary for three days and still in pain when I managed to make it back to my cell. A couple of my ribs were broken. One more good kick and one of them would probably puncture a lung. I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't make it out of there alive."

"That's so sad," I managed.

"Not really," he said. "I deserved to be there. If that was what happened, I was willing to accept it." His pace slowed down and whether he was aware of it or not, he looked sad. "They don't put good people in prison, Bella."

"People make mistakes," I said.

He chewed on that for a moment before continuing his story. "One day, I was laying low and trying not to get killed when Emmett approached me at meal time. Emmett is a huge guy. Nobody messes with Emmett at Pekin. He asked me if he could sit and of course I said 'yes'. I was ready to roll the red carpet out and shine his sneakers if I had to. Then he just started jabbering like I was his best friend." He chuckled and his pace picked up a little. I mentally cursed because now the shin splints had emerged and I was struggling. "For some reason, he said he wanted me to make it out of there. He told me that he didn't like when little guys were picked on and that he'd keep me out of trouble if I promised him something."

"So…that was…the…deal," I struggled to say.

"Yeah," he said, "that was the deal. I hung with Emmett, lifted some weights and learned how to defend myself. When I got out, I moved here to help Rose until Emmett gets out."

I huffed and puffed until we got home, unable to react to his story until I caught my breath. The sight of the apartment building would not have pleased me more than if we'd turned the corner and Mathew McConoughey was sitting on our front porch.

"Put your hands on your head to wind down and keep walking in circles," he told me.

"I used to run cross country in high school, you know," I told him. "It's not like I have no idea how to run."

His eyebrows popped up. "That's surprising."

I narrowed my eyes. "Do you run every day?"

"Not everyday but I run at least thirty a week."

"You run thirty miles a week?" My voice squeaked a little.

He shrugged a shoulder. "Give or take."

I finally caught my breath and sat down on the front concrete steps. Edward sat down beside me and rested his elbows on his knees. The bastard looked like he could run ten more and be fine. The hair was the only thing out of place about him. I wasn't even sure if he was sweating.

"You should get some better fitting clothes for the gym tomorrow," he told me.

I scrunched up my face. "The gym?"

He smiled. "You didn't think that I was going to teach you how to take a two hundred pound man down in my living room, did you?"

"No, I thought you were going to teach me in_ my_ living room."

Deep down, I knew that I'd never be able to take a Marine psychopath down on my own, no matter how strong I became but the idea of fighting back was liberating. Even if I could just hold him back long enough to get help, it would be worth all the side cramps and sweat that I would endure while training with Edward.

He chuckled. "Oh, no, Bella," he said, leaning toward me and bumping my shoulder with his bicep. "We're doing this the right way. There's no way you're not going to be prepared the next time you see that dickhead."

I wasn't confident but I'd do as I was told. He was right that I was letting him beat me by living in fear. I was tired of being afraid. If I was going to call my dad and tell him where I was, I'd need to be sure that I could handle whatever was thrown in front of me. James would not keep me from my family.

Slowly but surely, I could feel my old self simmering deep inside. She was jumping for joy at the thought of getting out and enjoying life again. I could do this. I could be normal again.

"Did you really kill someone?" I asked him.

There was some jaw ticking, some awkward shuffling and a knuckle brushing over scruff. "I'll tell you what – when you get to ten miles a day, I'll tell you anything you want to know."

I nodded. "That's fair."

He smirked and cut his eyes to me. "Damn straight, it's fair."

We sat for a little while longer, watching kids go by on bicycles and huddles of people on the corner, smoking cigarettes. It wasn't so bad in the daylight, I thought to myself. I peeked at Edward and he seemed to be thinking the same thing. His hair caught in the slight breeze and a piece in the middle changed sides. I wanted to be Sammy for just a moment and touch it, see what it felt like beneath my fingers. I wondered if he liked his hair being played with. I wondered if a girlfriend had ever done that and made him groan in response.

"I'm not sure if I've told you this yet but…" I started but stopped because the two words on the tip of my tongue didn't do my gratitude justice.

He turned to me. I was sucked in by his stare, his curiosity and his warmth. "What?"

"Thank you," I murmured, "for everything."

His face softened and he smiled softly at me. "You won't be thanking me tomorrow when you try to get out of bed and your butt muscles won't work."

I flushed because the word "butt" coming from his mouth was slightly sensual. Something was wrong with this new feeling toward Edward. Maybe, it was because I saw him as my salvation. The big, tough rescuer. This was wrong.

"Whose butt muscles won't work?" Emily's voice sounded out from behind us and we both snapped our heads to look at her.

"Yours, if you don't mind your own beeswax," Edward said.

She huffed. "When is your meeting, Edward? Mom said that we're leaving after your meeting."

"I'll get back around seven tonight," he said.

"Why can't we go before your meeting?" she whined.

"I have things to do before my meeting."

"But it's going to be so late! All the good stores will close early tonight since it's Sunday! I don't understand why-"

"Emily Grace," Edward hissed. "Stop whining or we're not gonna go."

She stomped her foot and ran back inside to finish out her whining.

"She's at a good age," I teased.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, she's no longer cute."

I laughed. "No, now she's pretty."

"She's going to be so much trouble in a few years," he grumbled, sounding too much like a father for it to be healthy.

"Where are you guys going?" I asked.

"We have to go shopping so that Emily can get a new dress for start-of-school play. They're doing _Wizard of Oz_ and she's playing The Wicked Witch of The West."

"Ooh, fun! But, shouldn't the school supply the costume?" I asked.

He let out a manly snort. "Do you forget where we are, sometimes? The school barely has enough money to pay its teachers, let alone have an entertainment budget."

I was almost embarrassed of my question. Growing up in Forks, we'd never had tons of money but the high school was small. There were never budget issues or teacher salary disputes. It never entered your mind as a student that the school had to fork out money for costumes or uniforms. It was just expected.

"That sounds like fun, though," I said. "I bet she finds something really cool."

"I'm really looking forward to it." His tone was thick with sarcasm.

"Why are you going?"

"I don't want them going out after dark alone," he explained. "You can go if you want. I meant what I said about you needing some workout clothes that fit. That t-shirt swallows you up. You'll get all twisted in that shit."

A gasp came from behind us. "Mommy! Edward cussed!"

Edward looked over his shoulder and said, "Doesn't matter if the little ears that hear the cuss words are spying."

A few hours later, I was in my room fresh out of shower. A towel was wrapped around my torso and I was trying to find a suitable shopping outfit when the sound of Queen blasted through the walls in my room. Of course, he'd picked the most popular song to play. Bohemian Rhapsody was like a soundtrack to my actions, and I moved ungracefully to the sound of Freddie's voice. A few times, I caught myself belting out the lyrics along with him and the band.

God bless Jake and his craziness.

I dropped the towel, pulled on my underwear and bra and found my hands ghosting down over my lower back. It had been months since I'd looked at the scars on my back: The permanent reminder that I'd never be free of him. I was grateful that he'd chosen the spot for his branding because I didn't have to see it everyday. In fact, most days I forgot that it existed. However, days like this when I remember, I can't help but run my fingers along the scarred flesh and wish it away. Hope that some sort of miraculous healing process will occur and it will vanish overnight. It never happened, of course, so I was stuck with it.

Unable to ignore _We Will Rock You_, I put the scar out of my mind and pulled my jeans on. After carefully selecting a t-shirt that advertised Hostess Twinkies, I shoved my head into it and then my arms. I argued with my bangs some more and won by forcing a headband over them. I imagined them planning and conspiring against me; they'd gotten a good look at Edward. They had inspiration.

And I was nuts.

I stepped out into the hallway, locking my door and double checking it before heading across the hallway. Queen was still blaring and before I lost the courage, I changed course and found myself knocking on Jake's door instead.

He answered in boxers this time.

"Hey, Bella! You like?" He asked and pointed up as if the music was coming directly from heaven.

"I love it," I said, smiling. "Thank you, Jake. You have to admit, Queen rocks."

He sneered playfully. "I wouldn't go that far but I did find myself tapping my toes a little."

"I just wanted to say thanks for the music," I said.

"Oh, no problem, honey," he said with a grin.

"Jake," a female voice whined from behind him. "Who's at the door?"

Jake looked behind him. "Oh, it's my neighbor," he replied. "She was thanking me for playing her music."

The girl sounded like she was walking with three legs when she flopped to the door. She, of course, was topless but was thankfully wearing panties. Her hair was short and dark, and her complexion matched Jake's. The two looked so much alike, I would have thought they were related if it weren't for their clothing choices.

"Hey! You must be Bella," she said to me then did some sign with her hand, "Queen fucking rocks, right?"

I smiled at her and tried to avoid looking at her boobs. "Yeah, that's what I told him but he doesn't agree."

"No shit, man. I'm the one who brought the fucking CD over!"

"Bella, this is Leah," Jake said, flinging his arm around her shoulders. Damn it, if her boobs didn't wiggle which caught my attention. "We have sex together."

After a short and awkward—on my part, anyway—conversation with Jake and Leah, I knocked on Rose's door. She swung it open and she narrowed her eyes at me.

"What?" I asked, stepping past her as she held the door open wider for me.

"I thought you were Edward. He's late and if I have to tell Emily to shut up one more time, I'm going to have to relinquish my 'Mother of the Year' award."

"Edward doesn't knock," I pointed out.

I followed her into the kitchen where she grabbed a beer from the back of the fridge and handed to me. Turning it down, I shook my head at the drink offer.

"Are you sure? Having alcohol in your system on this little shopping trip may save your sanity."

"It won't be that bad," I told her.

She made some disbelieving noise with her lips that was a mixture of a raspberry and a snort. "Emily only gets to go shopping once or twice a year. She turns into some kind of monster. Last time, we hit up the new Walmart and I thought I was going to have to restrain her from stuffing shit in her pants. It was like shoe shopping with Gollum."

"She's only ten," I said, smiling. "I didn't think it got bad until they were in their teens."

Rose shrugged. "I guess I just got lucky."

With a sigh, Rose tore off the cap to the beer with her fingers and took a long, healthy glug from the bottle. She let out a breath and closed her eyes. She looked tired.

"Where's your family?" I asked.

Her eyes snapped open. "What family?"

"Mom? Dad? Anybody who could help you out."

She sputtered out a humorless laugh. "I don't have any family that gives a damn. My mom drinks too much and my dad, well, I wouldn't put Emily around him for a million dollars. I have a sister but I heard she got married and moved out west somewhere after she graduated high school. Good for her."

"You don't have anyone?"

She didn't look too stressed out by that fact. "I have Emmett and Edward and now, I have you," she said with a smile, then added, "I guess I can count the kids too."

I laughed. The feeling of belonging was so thick through my chest that I thought I might burst. Rose considered me part of her life and I wasn't sure why it suddenly hit me. She'd done everything to make me feel welcome. Her mere presence made me forget things that I once thought would be impossible to forget. She had been right about how lucky I was that I blindly chose Chicago that day at the bus station. The ad that I'd found on the billboard for this apartment building. Arthur Livingston, my landlord, being a sleazy and desperate bastard who was willing to break the law to get a few extra grand in his pocket.

Growing up, I'd gone to church every week. Sunday mornings were the same from as far as I could remember until my mom left my dad. We got up, ate breakfast and went to the small Baptist church in Forks where I'd sing hymns, impress the elderly congregation with my grade point average, and figure out what I would make for the next bake sale. It was a part of my extended family, at times.

Then Renee left and we stopped going. I was thirteen at the time so I could have decided to keep the tradition going by dragging my own teenage self there every week but I didn't. My dad was going through a rough time and it would almost feel like a betrayal to just go about my life as if nothing had changed. Plus, I was angry with her and all I'd get at church would be sad, remorseful expressions from wrinkled, flabby faces.

_"I'm sorry, Bells, but I just need more. The world is a big place and I feel, I don't know, stuck here in this tiny corner of it. I'm missing so much."_ Her smile was sad and her tears were genuine but it didn't make me less angry with her. The church she'd drug me to my whole life didn't give her the faith that she needed to stay with us. Why in the heck would I go back to it?

As if reading my mind, or perhaps my pained expressions, Rose asked about her. "What about you? I know you feel like you can't call your dad but what about your mom? The dick isn't living with _her_, right?"

"Well, the dick in question isn't living with her but that doesn't mean she's not living with one," I told her.

She quirked and eyebrow and asked, "A figurative dick or a literal dick?"

"Well, I guess it would be both. He's a man—whom I assume has a penis—and is also an asshole. His name is Phil and she married him a couple of years ago, right before I graduated high school. I think he's a baseball player or something."

"Do you think she's worried about you?" she asked.

It was a good question. According to James, during one of his cheery moods, he told me that she had been invited to the wedding. I hadn't spoken to her since my college graduation but I couldn't imagine her missing her little girl getting hitched. She had to know that I wasn't in Oklahoma anymore.

"I'm sure she is aware of the situation," I answered.

"Do you think that you could call her and give her a message to tell Charlie what is going on without James finding out?"

I snorted. "My mom isn't the most dependable person. Telling her to do that would be like asking a dog to drive a car: She might be able to get in the seat but when it comes to shifting gears, there's just no thought process on how to get it done."

"She's an idiot?" She blurted.

"Honestly, I'm not real sure what she is but dependable is definitely something she's not and when my life is at risk…"

She nodded. "Understandable."

"Moooom," Emily whined down the hallway. When she got to the kitchen she stopped short when she saw me. "Hey, Bella! I organized my room! Wanna see it?"

"Of course, I do!"

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Rose whispered.

The funny thing was that I kind of _did_ want to.

* * *

><p>The mall was my least favorite place in the world. Not just that particular mall. Any mall has the ability to make my molars press together and my stomach to hurt. Typically, it was the high priced crap and the gaggles of teenagers that hung in the food court that got under my skin. However, that particular trip it was everything. Sundays were not ideal for mall shopping, especially when you only had an hour before closing. The crowd had my skin crawling and my eyes kept seeing James' face peeking out from behind corners. Patches of blond, cropped hair stuck out in store windows. My nerves had the hair on the back of my neck puffed out like a threatened bird.<p>

We took turns with Sammy: First Edward, then Rose and lastly, me. The stroller wasn't acceptable for the mall, Rose had told me. It took too much time and we would get caught behind elderly mall walkers. Emily led us through the mall to one of the cheaper stores that was filled with gaudy clothing and plastic leather purses.

I wanted to wait outside with Edward and Sammy but I felt like I was sending a friend into a mine field by watching Rose follow Emily in. Rose had told me that Emily would trust my opinion over hers because apparently moms don't know shit about anything when you're ten. So, I took my role as the buffer for Rose and support system for Emily. It took my mind off of the imagined blond crew cuts and crowds of people.

Emily picked out an outfit fairly quickly and we were on our way out with thirty minutes to spare before the mall closed. Edward was shifting Sammy from arm to arm as Sam scrambled to tug at Edward's hair.

"At least it's entertaining," I quipped.

He turned to me. "What?"

"Your hair."

His eyes drifted upwards as if he was marveling at the entertainment value then focused them back on me, narrowed. "I'll have you know that it took years for me to perfect this."

I raised my eyebrows. "Years? Wow, that's…something."

"Hey, guys, do you mind if I…" Rose pointed to a lingerie shop near the exit of the mall.

Edward grimaced. "You can't take the kids in there, Rose."

She gave him a no-shit-Sherlock look and told Emily to stay here with Edward. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by mannequins dressed in barely there underwear, including one that held a whip in one hand.

Rose saw me looking at it. "You can borrow mine if you want."

"What? Oh, I was just…I thought that…"

She rolled her eyes. "I was just kidding." Her fingertips trailed down a gem covered bra cup and she sighed. "I'm really nervous, you know."

"About what?"

"Emmett will be released in the next few months and…well, I don't exactly look like I did when I was seventeen." She swallowed and looked down at herself with a disgusted look on her face.

"Rose, you're beautiful." I wasn't lying. Rose was beautiful and now that I knew her, she was absolutely gorgeous. Her hips wouldn't fit into a size six, her breasts wouldn't pass the pencil test if her life depended on it, and her hair was more frizzy than controlled but there were times when I caught myself watching her and wishing that I looked more like her. She always seemed in control and she carried herself with grace. Emmett was a lucky man to be coming home to a woman like Rose.

"Plus, he just saw you a couple of weeks ago. It's not like you're going to be one big surprise to him."

She picked up a couple of thongs and wadded them in her hand. "He can't see the cellulite on the back of my thighs through my clothes. My ass is very good at disguising its mass quantities with a good pair of jeans. He hasn't been with anyone else but me, Bella. What if he gets out and takes one good look at me and wants to vomit?"

God bless her, she actually had tears in her eyes. Rose spent three nights a week getting drunken praise in the form of cat calls and drooling, horny men at the strip club. I thought that, if anything, that would give her some confidence with her body. But those men weren't Emmett and she didn't give a crap what they thought. The man she loved was the only one that mattered.

"Oh, Rose," I soothed. "He's incredibly lucky to have you to look forward to; in the bedroom and out of it."

She snorted. "That's easy for you to say. You've got a bubbly ass and two perky boobs, in spite of the fact that you only weigh about a hundred pounds."

"Yeah, and I don't have a man who has spent a decade of his life in prison for me, coming to home to them." Thank heavens for that. "Emmett loves you, right? Do you doubt that?"

"No, but men have needs…hell, I have needs, damn it!"

The demand took me by surprise. I knew that from reading my romance novels that fictional sex was always mind blowing. It sent waves of heat through bodies and awakened parts of people that they never knew existed. It was the reason I liked books. Because it was fiction. I wasn't stupid enough to think that what James had done to me in Oklahoma was normal. However, I didn't think that sex was anything remarkable, either. It was irrelevant. It didn't matter because I couldn't imagine anyone ever looking at me naked again without seeing the ruins of those nine months. Sex would never play a part in my life again and I was better than okay with that.

The clerk took this moment to wander over and give us a fake smile. "Can I help you find something? We have full figured apparel in the corner over there."

I cut my eyes at her and spat, "Thanks a bunch, we can read."

She cleared her throat daintily and her smile twitched. "Okay then. My name is Trish and I'll just be over here if you need me."

Rose whimpered. "I never intended to get fat. This wasn't my plan."

I sighed and gave Trish an evil look just to make myself feel better. "You're not fat, Rose. You've had two children and you work really freaking hard to—"

"Pffft!" She grabbed a couple inches of her belly with the fingers of both hands and pulled on it. "I'm two doughnuts and a spoonful of Mac and Cheese away from a roll! My ass is like…"-she put her hands on her rear and by the look on her face, I assumed she squeezed. "It's like six…no, eight handfuls!" She held up her arm, pointing her elbow at me and shook it, poking at the wiggling flesh under her bicep. "This isn't supposed to move! I used to make fun of my Grandmother for that!"

"You know, I was just told that I'm strong and that I need to have faith in myself," I told her. "So, in order for me to be persuaded that I'm this independent, strong girl, I have these amazing people helping me take a good look at myself. You are such an amazing woman, Rose. If Emmett doesn't see that, then to hell with him."

She swiped tears off her cheeks and smiled sadly at me. "I feel like I've been waiting for him to come home my whole life and now that it's here, I'm dreading it."

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, hoping that it felt just as good to her as it had for me. Her arms held me back and I closed my eyes at the feel of just being the one comforting instead of the other way around. Even in Forks, I'd never had someone I really connected with as a friend. There were girls I'd hang with and people I'd sit with at lunch but there was never anyone that I could just call up and bitch to. I didn't have a friend whose shoulder I could use as a Kleenex, no questions asked. It hit me that Rose was that type of friend for me. I could say anything and she'd accept it. She was genuine and kind and amazingly strong.

"Why don't you come running with me and Edward?" I asked.

"I have two kids, remember? I don't have time for that shit."

"Excuses, Rose. Emily started back at school, right?" She sniffed and nodded. "Well, we'll get you one of those fancy jogging strollers and you can come with us a few days a week. I usually don't have to be at work until 9am so we'll have an hour or so after Emily catches the bus. It'll be fun! Sam would love it!"

She grinned brightly. "Edward would hate it."

My smile matched hers. "If that's not reason enough…"

When we walked out of the store, a couple of thongs heavier, Edward took one look at Rose's face and stiffened.

"What happened?"

She waved him off. "Nothing. I'm fine."

"Why are you crying?"

"Bella invited me to run with you guys and I'm just really touched, is all." The tone in her voice hinted at mischief.

Edward glanced at me incredulously but didn't say anything.

As we loaded up Edward's car, he whispered, "Rose is coming with us now?"

I shrugged. "Is that a problem?"

A noise of disbelief and puzzlement pressed through his lips. "If you ever want to get in shape to kick ass, it is."

"We'll work around it," I offered.

He closed the trunk and turned to me. "You didn't get any workout clothes."

I smiled. "No, but I got something a hell of a lot better than that."

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><p><em><strong>AN: Who's your favorite character so far? Does anyone have any theories on why Edward was in prison? I'd LOVE to hear them. Next chapter will post on Thursday. :) Thanks for reading! Reviews are better than Edward in running shorts. :)**_


	11. Chapter 10  Up in flames

_**A/N: You guys are the best; your reviews are so freaking fun to read! I hope you get my sarcastic humor in the replies. I love you all! This is another light chapter...well, most of it, anyway. Hope you like. :) Rose will join Bella and Edward next chapter for a run. She told me that she needed to go get some comfortable running underwear because running in a thong is just not going to cut it.**_

_****Warning** This chapter contains dark material so be warned...**_

_**Softragoo, you and your pre-reading bubbles complete me. **_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things twilight.**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter ten<strong>_

Who knew that August in Chicago could be so freaking hot? That was my thought as I tossed and turned in bed with minutes to spare before my alarm went off the next morning. As always, I thought about my dad before I got out of bed, wondering what he was doing; hoping that James had given up and left him alone. It was Monday and Charlie Swan always hated Mondays. Breakfast in his kitchen at the beginning of the week was always accompanied by grunts and grumbles about the fast pace of the weekend and how he wished it was raining.

I turned my alarm off before it was able to go off, and climbed off the mattress. It was really, really hot. Unusually hot. Typically, the wall unit in my living room kept the entire small apartment at a good temperature: Slightly warm but livable. I groaned when I found the wall unit dead to the world having given up on its job somewhere in the middle of the night. When I moved to crack the windows, I found them painted shut.

"Oh, great," I groaned. "Just what I need."

In Charlie fashion, I grumbled my way through getting dressed in sweatpants then right back out because there was no way I could survive in those without passing out. Instead, I did a quick job of cutting them off. Unfortunately, my quick job wasn't very accurate. My right leg was fine—the hem ended right above my knee. But my left was cut off about four inches from my crotch. Not good, I decided as I looked at myself in the foggy, full length mirror in my bedroom.

The knock on my door announced that my time to grieve over the mistake had run out. My only pair of sweatpants had just turned into the pink shorts from hell. I sensed a thrift store stop in my future.

"Wow. That's uh…an improvement." Edward comment was in the form of a question. "Your headband looks nice. Much better than _Hello Kitty_."

I tugged my t-shirt over my shorts.

"Now you look like you don't have any pants on. Much better."

"It'll be dark so shut up. If you're embarrassed to be seen with me then I'll be happy to go back to bed."

"Oh, no, we're going to have fun! Let's go to the gym."

I tugged harder. "We're not running?"

"No, I told you that we were going to the gym today. Did you get your coffee or are you about to blow a gasket over that too."

"Are you paying me back for inviting Rose to run with us? Because if you are, I think it's horrible…horrible, horrible."

He sighed. "If you feel strongly about it, we can go to the gym tomorrow."

"Don't I get a day off?" I snapped.

Edward chuckled. "You are just precious in the mornings."

The run was long and the short side of my cutoffs kept riding up and I was tugging them down the entire way. Edward had no sympathy for my apparel quandary until I gave up after four miles and refused to budge.

"I just can't do it," I panted. "I'm so sore from yesterday and my shorts…"

He sighed. "We only have two more to go."

"God, can't we just take a break? I'm dying, here!"

"No, let's go."

"I can't! I'm too tired." I enunciated every word clearly.

Edward took three steps until he was in my face, until I bent my knees and protectively held my hands up in front of my chest. He looked furious. His hands were fists and his jaw ticked. I didn't believe for a second that he was going to hit me but it didn't keep me from reacting instinctively.

His reaction softened when he noticed my response. Then he swallowed and looked down at himself.

"I'm not doing this to punish you, Bella." The word "punish" hung in the air like stale smoke. "Do you think that asshole who's hunting for you is taking breaks? Do you think that he's going to quit because he's tired?"

"No," I squeaked. "He won't."

"No, he won't." He inhaled deeply, looking around us and searching for the right words. Then he looked down at me and said, "This is the only way I know how to protect you, Bella. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't hurt you again but I can't be with you twenty-four-seven. I need to make sure that you're okay when I'm not around."

I put my hand on my chest because just as my heart found its pace, it picked right back up in reaction to his words. A strong urge to hug him swept through me but I was too much of a coward to fulfill it.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't want you to feel obligated."

He scoffed. "I don't feel obligated, Bella."

"Then why?"

With a groan, he rubbed his face with his palms. "Why what?"

"Why are you doing this for me? Is it just in your nature to want to protect the weak or are you doing this for Rose? I just don't understand why—"

"Because I care about what happens to you. If I woke up tomorrow and you were gone, I'd be sad. If I woke up tomorrow and found that he'd hurt you, I'd hunt him down and make him pay for it. I'm doing this because it's the only thing I have to offer you." He put a hand on each of my shoulders and I cursed myself for tensing under the weight. "I will not let him hurt you. One way or another, we're going to win this."

That's when it happened. Just like that. Rose had warned me that it was possible but I never imagined that he would allow it. I'd become one of Edward's family. She had called him loyal and protective and she had been dead on. Something happened inside me as he stared at me with those eyes filled with passion and fire and determination. It was warm and familiar. My posture stiffened and his mouth twitched so I assumed that what I was feeling was reflected off of my face, or my entire body. I was going to win this.

"Let's run," I growled. Yes, I absolutely growled.

Edward must have liked that because he smiled at me. It was a proud smile that made me want to please him over and over to be on the receiving end of it again and again.

The rest of the run, I was quiet. My body on a seemingly constant adrenaline rush. I didn't feel the ache in my side or the throbbing in my shins. My shorts rode up but I ignored the uncomfortable wedge. It was all irrelevant. I was going to win. I ran until my muscles quivered and my head spun. My lungs begged for a reprieve. Sweat ran down my back and tickled the scar but that just made me run that much harder. For just a few minutes, I wasn't the Bella that had escaped imprisonment in Oklahoma; I was the Bella who'd gotten second in State Championships for the five thousand meter. I relished in the feel of the wind as it rushed past my cheeks. The ache in my thighs was just a constant reminder of what it felt like to give it all you've got and still have a competitor on your heels. Then you dig down deep somewhere and find what you need to run just a little bit faster. I was free.

Edward let out a "Whew!" when we reached the steps to our apartment. I walked in frantic, tiny circles with my hands on the back of my head in an effort to come down from the runner's high.

"What lit a fire under your ass?" he teased.

"You," I replied. "You did."

I got another proud smile and I swore to myself I'd work to see that every damn day until I was able to look in the mirror and reflect one of my own.

"We need to sit down and talk about a schedule. Are you okay to go to the gym tomorrow?"

The words almost left my mouth. The "you don't have to do this" and "I'm sorry I'm such a pain" but I kept them bottled. He was tired of hearing it just as much as I was tired of saying it.

"I hate to sound like a nimby pimby but do we have to go to the gym?"

He took a swig from his water bottle then asked, "What do you have against the gym?"

"I'm not big on crowds or being watched. Even if I'm not being watched, I'll still imagine it. I'm afraid that my concentration will be crap if I'm surrounded by strangers."

He chewed on my words for a few minutes, sipping water and shifting his eyes over our surroundings. It was cloudy and a rain storm was brewing.

"Fair enough. We can work on some basic stuff in your apartment."

I nodded. "Tonight?"

"Seven sound good?"

"That depends," I retorted with a raise of an eyebrow.

"On what?"

"I'm not interfering with Emily's training, am I? I saw what happens when her schedule changes." I grinned to let him know that I was half-kidding but I really didn't want to take Edward's time away from her. What he was teaching her was important and she obviously enjoyed learning it.

He laughed. "No, we do our thing on the nights I have to be at Rosalie's to watch them. She works on Tuesday, Thursday and every other Saturday."

We both sat down on the steps, still catching our breaths. "You're spread pretty thin. When do you have time to catch up on your own stuff?"

"I don't have any stuff."

"What do you like to do?"

He shrugged.

"You don't go hang with the boys on Saturday night to take the edge off the stress of your week?" I teased.

He shook his head. "Nah, I'm a homebody, pretty much."

"Do you like to read?"

"A little, I guess," he answered. "I don't really have time for it."

"You know, you could charge me for the training. I'd pay you for your services."

He grinned and waggled his eyebrows. "That sounds a little kinky."

I blushed and stared hard at my worn out Nike tennis shoes. "You know what I mean."

"And you know better than to suggest it."

I looked up at him and our eyes met. "I know I said this yesterday but I have to say it again. Thank you for doing this. I really am lucky that I found myself here."

"Luck has nothing to do with it," he said sincerely. "I'm the type who believes in all that 'happens for a reason' shit."

"Like fate?"

He shrugged. "Something like that, I guess."

"So you think I landed here for a reason?"

"Absolutely," he said.

"Then I guess someone up there must love me," I joked, pointing a finger toward the heavens.

Edward rose from the steps and tossed his empty water bottle into the metal trash bin beside the street. "Or maybe," he said as he walked by me up the steps, "someone up there loves us. Seven sharp tonight."

I thought about what he'd said all day at work. Esme had acquired a few boxes of books from a local auction and she was grumbling about their lack of worth as she peeked at each one.

"These auctions are all hit or miss," she complained. "I'll be lucky to make my money back on this bunch."

"It's kind of exciting though," I told her. "You buy these mystery boxes and you never know what's inside them. It's like Christmas."

She raised her eyebrows and grinned. "You really do like books."

I laughed. "I guess I do. Either that or I'm just really lame."

She considered that as she sipped on her Diet Coke. "What do you do for fun, Bella? I've never heard you talk about going out with friends. Most girls your age take advantage of the great shopping that Chicago has to offer or hitting up all the clubs on the weekends for hot guys."

Esme was so out of her conversational element. The way the words "hot guys" came out of her mouth was similar to my own articulation when I ordered Chinese over the phone.

"I'm not much of a shopper and bars make me uncomfortable."

"Do you have any friends here in Chicago?" she asked.

"Actually, I have a few really good friends. My neighbors have been amazing. I'm pretty lucky to have met them, just like I'm pretty lucky to have found you."

She waved me off and did a good job of playing abashed. "Well, I'm glad that you have someone."

"Me, too," I answered. "Life would certainly be—"

"Ooh! I have an idea! Why don't you and your friends come over to our house this weekend? Carlisle just bought this new grill for our back patio and he's dying to try it out." Her smile fell. "He's rather bored so he does a lot of internet shopping. I have to talk to him about that." She recovered and face lit up once again. "Anyway, would you like to come? I'd love to meet your friends."

"Uh, I can ask them. What day?"

"Sunday, if that's good. We'll grill out and…he just bought a new grilling apron, too. It has some stupid saying on it that he thinks is ridiculously funny. He told me that it was on clearance; bought some grilling utensils too even though we really didn't need them." She chewed on her lip and stared into space, considering her husband's new hobby of internet shopping but she shook herself out of it. "Anyway, he'd love to use them."

"Rose has two kids," I blurted.

Her face brightened. "I love kids. How old?"

I told her more about the kids and Rose and Edward. She seemed excited about the idea and I hoped I could convince them to come. If anything, they'd be getting free food.

Later that day, I brought up the idea to Rose. As soon as I stepped through the door of my heat stricken apartment, I shut the door and headed across the hall. She was hesitant about the barbeque at first but the whole "free food" thing turned things around for her. When I told her that Esme was thrilled to meet the kids, it sealed the deal.

"She seems pretty cool," Rose offered as she scrubbed out one of her kitchen cupboards. I was helping Sam draw a masterpiece courtesy of Crayola. "Does she know about everything?"

"Not the details but she guessed that I was in the situation from the get-go."

I told her about Sarah and the situation that she'd been in that ended her life.

"God, Bella, I'm so happy that you got out of there when you did. What do you think…I'm sorry; does it bother you to talk about it? I can shut the…"—she glanced at Sam. "I can shut up about it."

My stomach was churning at the conversation but I forced myself to shake my head. Instead, I focused on the multicolored doodle that Sam was drawing. I helped him make a blue circle. His cheeks puffed out with a grin.

"What do you think went wrong with him in Iraq? I mean, you said he was nice and all before he left but when he came back, he was like a different person. Do you think he saw something that just…flipped a switch in his head or something?"

I shrugged. "I asked myself that question so many times but there were never any answers. To be honest, he never did seem completely normal to me even when we first started going out."

She screwed up her face. "No offense but why did you even go out with him?"

I sighed and swallowed the knot in my throat. "He bought me flowers. He took me out and was a gentlemen at all times. I thought it was me. I thought that I needed to force myself to see it through because it was some awkward hump that I had to get over."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't have a boyfriend in high school. My graduating class was like sixty people so I saw all of them as, like, brothers to me. Plus, my dad was the police chief so guys didn't exactly see me as cop-a-feel material. They didn't want to go through the whole bullet-with-your-name-on-it speech."

"That's kind of sad," she noted.

"Not really. I mean, I was too busy with other stuff to really notice. Anyway, James was my first date, my first boyfriend, my first…everything."

"Why do you say that he didn't seem normal?"

"Well, he had a temper. At first, he tried to hide it but after a while it would come out. He would get upset about the weirdest stuff—people ditching in line at the supermarket, another car passing him on the highway, stupid stuff. There was never anything toward me because if there were, I wouldn't have put up with it. He simmered down quickly after he's get all riled up. There was also his weird phobia about touching."

"Touching?"

"Yeah, he didn't really like to be touched unless he was prepared for it. You know, if I came up behind him and ran my hand down his back, he'd stiffen. It was almost a knee-jerk reaction for him when anybody touches him. He didn't like to hug or hold hands. The kissing was only when he was looking for something more." I shuddered as I thought about those days when his hands would find his way up my shirt. Not only had I let him but there were times when I craved it in the beginning. I wanted it. It had felt good to be desired. The knot in my throat grew and my stomach convulsed.

_"You're dirty…so dirty, Bella…"_

I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. Rose was chatting about something but there was fog in my ears, wax on my brain—or was it the other way around. I wasn't sure. All I knew is that I heard her but couldn't respond.

Something smacked me in the forehead and I opened an eye. Sammy sat grinning at me, watching for my reaction. When he didn't get what he was looking for, he let another crayon fly and it hit me in the nose. He erupted in giggles as both of my eyes flew open and I made a face at him. My fingers tickled his tiny ribs and I grumbled promises of retribution.

"What do you think?" Rose asked.

"What?"

She sighed, annoyed. "Did you not hear what I just said?"

"Actually, no because all this talk about the past was making me want to vomit. Sam was giving me a reprieve."

"Oh, sorry, I was just—never mind."

"No, what? You can't do that."

"It might make you feel like vomiting."

I copied her sigh. "Just ask me, Rose."

"No, I was just saying that maybe this a-hole had it in him this whole time. Maybe he was setting you up for it, even back in college. You said that he was smart."

"He is but I don't think so. I was convinced back then, before he went into the Marines, that he loved me. It was in his eyes, in his words. Why would he go through all of that manipulation just to practically kidnap me in the end anyway?"

"You went willingly. Hell, you were engaged to the a-hole."

"I'm done. I'm two seconds from puking."

"I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, Bella. I'm trying to make you see that there was nothing you could do, regardless. If this guy had it in his mind to do this to you from the beginning, you didn't have a chance in hell at getting away from him. He is a psycho. With dick for brains."

I put my palm on my forehead, feeling sticky and hot. "Ugh. I'm done for now, Rose. Seriously, I can't take anymore."

"Deek fer bains!" Sammy shouted.

Two sets of wide eyes focused on the toddler sitting at the table who was innocently holding a yellow crayon in his tiny hand.

"What did he say?" rose asked.

I just stared at him and willed him to repeat it.

He happily obliged. "Deek fer bains! Deek fer bains!"

I gasped and looked at Rose. She looked tired.

"Great. All of that I just said and he picks up the worst of it. Freaking great."

"Have you heard from the county yet?" I asked when I'd finished laughing. "About Sammy's speech delay and the early education benefits?"

She made a noise. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. They called last week to schedule an appointment."

"What did you say?"

"I told them that it was about freaking time. Then I told them how he turns three in a few months and they started rattling off some crap about when he turns three, he gets turned over to the school system. After three, it's up to them if he gets benefits, like state provided speech therapy. Oh and get this, they told me that if I had contacted them sooner, he could have been in speech therapy since he was eighteen months old if he was approved."

"Didn't you call them like six months ago?"

"Eight months ago. I told them to go…you know what themselves."

I rolled my eyes. "That's crap."

"You ain't kidding."

"Cap! Cap!" Sammy yelled.

"_You're_ in trouble for that one," Rose quipped.

"I'd much rather teach him crap—"

"Cap!"

"—than the other one," I told her.

"Whatever."

After I hung Sam's picture up on the fridge, where he proudly proclaimed it "cap", I reluctantly went back to my apartment. It was like a desert. The difference in temperature from the outside was at least fifteen degrees. Sweat immediately started dripping down my forehead and neck. With the windows painted shut, I couldn't even get a breeze going through the place. I peeled off my clothes and lay down on my bed in just my underwear. Being naked wasn't something I was comfortable with—ever. However, desperate times call for desperate measures and being naked was just about as good as it could get. Scratch that. A shower was probably a little better.

My eyes popped open at the thought. I still had about thirty minutes before Edward showed up and a nice, cold shower was just what I needed in order to preserve my sanity. The water felt ridiculously amazing as it ran down my skin and through my hair. It felt so good that I let out a nice, embarrassing moan.

As soon as I got out, the heat started drying my skin. There was no way I could do any sort of self defense in heat like that. Just when I was thinking about going over to Edward's and postponing the whole thing, there was a knock on my door. My body tensed and my stomach clenched—the typical knee-jerk reaction to any unexpected visitor. Completely dressed in my fashionable shorts and t-shirt, and with my hair hanging to my shoulders in wet loose curls, I asked my visitor to identify themselves.

"It's Edward," he announced. I unlocked the door and pulled it open. "Sorry, I'm early I just wanted to…did you just take a shower?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Why did you take a shower if we're just going to—" He stuck his hand in my apartment as if he were feeling for rain. "Holy hell, it's fucking hot in there!"

"My air conditioner went out this morning," I grumbled. "Hence the cold shower."

He smirked and cocked his head. "Awww… and here I thought that the cold shower was because of me."

I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to say something but he walked by me, into my apartment and toward the broken appliance that was hanging in my window. He tapped on the bottom, looked at it, tapped on the top and looked at it again; then he grunted.

"I think I can fix it," he mumbled.

"You can tell that just by giving it a few taps that you can fix it?" I asked.

He looked at me and shrugged. "That's how manly I am."

I snorted and he mocked offense.

"I'll be right back. A manly man needs manly tools."

"If you fix this, I'll owe you one big time," I told him as he walked out the door.

When he came back with a handful of tools, he responded, "I'll hold you to that."

"Well, I mean it."

He started working with the screwdriver, turning and twisting as he took off the front protective cover. At first, I'd come over to investigate his repair skills but I found myself investigating other things. It was nice to watch Edward when he was totally invested in something, not paying attention to anything but his task. The tight muscles in his forearms flexed as he twisted and turned his tools. His brow puckered and his mouth grew tight as he concentrated on the appliance. The hair. Christ, the hair. It had grown on me. Before, I'd wanted to take scissors to it in his sleep but now, now, I wanted to touch it. I wanted to run my fingers through it to see if I could get it to obey. Would it be dry and brittle or would it be soft on my fingers? The scruff of his beard—it was always there, always screaming to be touched. For a brief, ludicrous moment I imagined my lips on that three day growth that settled casually on his jaw. It would tickle. Or maybe it would hurt. I wanted to know. But that was crazy.

For the first time since I'd met him, I objectively judged him. All together, he was handsome enough; hot even. I imagined that he'd had all kinds of girls telling him that over the years. There was nothing sexier to most women than the ex-convict bad boy with the inked up body. That wasn't what made Edward good looking to me. What made Edward desirable was what he was doing in that moment. His offer to help with nothing expected in return; his loyalty and fierce protectiveness for the people he loved. He had a nurturing quality about him, always wanting to take care of other people. That was what drew me to Edward.

"Do you remember when you told me that I was good?" I asked.

He cut his eyes to me. "The day Rose went to see Emmett. Yeah, I remember."

"I hope you believe that same thing about yourself," I told him. "Because you are one of the most generous people I know."

He answered with a snort.

"I'm serious. How many times have you gone out of your way for me since I moved in? How many times have you gone out of your way for Rose? You are a good person, Edward."

"No, I'm not." He wasn't humbly arguing. There was no "Oh, shush, you!" tone to his voice. He truly didn't believe that he was good.

"Why do you say that?"

He sighed as he plugged the air conditioner back into the wall and pushed the button. It clunked a few times but started up.

"Oh, thank God!" I said. "I really do owe you one."

"Bake me some cookies," he quipped, "a couple dozen."

"Done!"

The room was already starting to get cooler and I closed my eyes and bit back a moan as the rush of cold air coming out of the appliance blew over me. I piled my shoulder length hair on top my head and just stood there, basking in the coldness.

"This feels so good. You have no idea how miserable I was this morning," I said.

When I opened my eyes, I mentally flinched. Edward was looking at me. Not just looking at me. He was _looking_ at me. His eyes roamed over my bare legs, then up my torso and when he finally met my eyes, he turned away. I followed his lead and we ended up in awkward silence, blushing like idiots.

"Well, I'm going to put these back. You're still on, right? The lesson?"

"Oh, yeah, sure," I answered, pulling my wet hair back into a ponytail, "of course."

"Okay, be right back."

When he left, my eyes drifted down to his butt. It was nice. Just enough there to exist but not too much where…What in the hell was wrong with me? This was Edward. Sarcastic, blunt, messy-haired, holey shirt Edward. This is the guy who told me that my haircut looked horrible and compared me to a tiny, wild animal. The man attached to the rear I'd just checked out was simply that: A man. The same breed of animal that kept me chained in a house for nine months and snapped a girl's neck with the tiniest of gestures.

That wasn't fair and I knew it. Edward and James were nothing alike except for the testosterone in their blood and the cocks between their hips. I shuddered. Nothing good ever came from either of those in my past experience with men…well, man. If I could, I'd turn lesbian. I thought about Rose. She was pretty enough but I couldn't imagine touching her naked. It just didn't feel right and plus, boobs held no fascination for me. They were just lumps on my chest, nothing more. If anything, they got in the way. No, lesbianism was out for me.

I smiled as I looked at the big picture of the thoughts that had been circling in my head. Thinking about Edward, looking at him the way I had, was the first time I'd done anything close to normal since leaving Seattle a year ago. The long lost Bella deep inside me stood a little taller.

Edward walked back in and caught me smiling.

"What?"

My smile turned quickly into a frown. "I can't smile?"

He shrugged. "Okay, let's do this. If I move too fast or…or if you get…just tell me to stop if you get uncomfortable, alright?"

I nodded and immediately tensed at his suggestion.

He came up behind me and I watched him over my shoulder. His body was an inch from mine, hovering behind me. Thank God the air conditioner was working because heat radiated off of him and sweat formed on the back of my neck.

"Say you're walking along by yourself and someone comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you." He copied his narration with his arms and suddenly I was in his grasp—one arm across my chest and the other around my stomach. I closed my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. Images of the past threatened to burst through but I focused on Edward's voice near my ear. "You okay."

"Yeah, fine."

"Good. Now what's your gut reaction?"

"To get away," I squeaked.

"Show me."

I tried pushing on his arms, and then pulling them off of me. The whole time I was making odd grunting noises that couldn't be helped. I got the feeling he was laughing at me but when I caught sight of his face, his expression was grim. Almost angry. When the pushing and pulling didn't work, I tried twisting and turning but he only firmed his grip on me. One hand squeezed my hip and the other had a strong grip on my upper arm. It was like being in a human straightjacket.

"Are you done yet?" he asked.

I stilled and slumping my shoulders in defeat. "I suppose."

"Your first instinct is to get away which is normal. What you want to do first is disable your attacker."

I snorted.

"Something funny?"

"Yeah, I don't think I have much chance at disabling a man twice my size."

He let go of me and turned me around with his hand on my shoulder. "That's the problem here, isn't it? You don't believe in yourself. Self defense is not about size but determination and mental clarity. You have to take a deep breath, think about your options and react, all in about one second."

"And you think I can do that?"

He smirked. "I know you can do that. I'm going to teach you."

Using his finger, he gestured for me to turn around again. His arms took hold of me again and I tried to keep thoughts of him pressed against my back out of my mind. It was how James always wanted me. Always—my back to his front. There was never a time in Oklahoma that he terrorized my body as I watched him. I swallowed. My throat ached from the memories of those horrible nights. Some nights, I fought and he hurt me worse for it; made me bleed. But other nights, I just let it happen. Those were the memories that haunt me the most—when I'd just follow orders like an abused puppy. I'd cry silently through every drive into my body and every grunt that he expelled. The leather on my neck burned my skin raw and—as I stood in my apartment a thousand miles away—I could feel my air supply cut off. I felt sick. I was going to be sick.

I tried pulling away from him but he kept his hold, his reaction part of the lesson.

"I need…I need to…" One more word and I was going to add one more stain to my carpet.

With frantic movement, I tapped his shoulder and he let me go immediately. I did the best I could in my effort to make it to the toilet but I ended up on all fours, retching on the hallway carpet. My eyes watered and my stomach ached. I felt him behind me and I whimpered. Shame and humiliation took over me completely and I wrenched out a sob.

His hand on my back made me jump but he kept it there, waiting for me to recover. I held my stomach and took deep breaths, wishing that I could just be someone else for a while. For just a few minutes.

"Do you want me to go get Rose?" he asked softly.

Did I want Rose? No, I didn't. As soothing as her voice would have been, as much as she would have understood, I didn't want her to see me this way. It was enough that Edward had witnessed it. It was more than enough that he'd triggered it without realizing it.

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes closed.

"Will you go?" I meant it to sound like a request but it came out as an uncertain query.

"No," he answered, "I'm not going anywhere."

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><p><strong><em>AN: Alrighty. Sorry to put ya'll in a funk but that's part of Bella's healing process. _**

**_With that said, I'm not an expert on Illinois' Early Education process but here in Ohio, it's similar to what Rose is going through with Sammy. My munchkin started in Early Intervention at 18 months and he was transferred to a preschool at age 3, with help from the State. They are actually really, really awesome and in no way were we treated like Rose/Sammy. That is fiction and part of the story. I'm sure the state of Illinois is pretty awesome too. :)_**

**_So, what's next for our characters? I know I've had a lot of theories on Edward's past and I promise, you'll hear that story in a few chapters. In RL, I'm working on chapter 23 so when I'm actually finished with the story, I might post more than once a week. I'm so effing impatient that way...plus the reviews are so inspiring!_**

**_Any favorite moments from this chapter? Do tell... :)_**


	12. Chapter 11 He won't go

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_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things twilight**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Eleven<strong>_

After my humiliating adventure on the carpet in the hallway, I stood up on shaky legs and cleaned up the floor with a towel. I told Edward that if he wasn't leaving, he could at least spare me the mortification and go sit on my couch. Reluctantly, he did so and with remarkable efforts, he kept his grumbling to a minimum. I appreciated his concern but I couldn't even look him in the eye; I didn't know how he expected me to continue any sort of self defense lesson.

"I'm okay," I told him as I walked heavily into the living room. "Really. I'm okay."

He grunted. "I told you that I'm not leaving."

I closed my eyes as I sat down on the opposite side of the couch. "This probably wasn't a good idea. I don't think I can do it."

His eyes were on me, I could tell, but I kept mine glued to the frayed hem of my grey t-shirt. I'd been living here for a couple months and it was the first time I thought about running. I could just pick up and go, no harm done. The people here meant a lot to me but, in time, I'd get over it. They'd get over it. Emmett would come home and they'd barely remember my name. An endless supply of tears fell from my eyelids no matter how many deep breaths I took.

"Do you want to tell me what triggered that?" he asked.

I opened my eyes and shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it."

"You have to talk to someone," he suggested. "I don't care who it is, but you have to get it out. It's bottled up inside of you and it's going to fester like a disease."

"You sound like you're talking from experience."

He was quiet for a moment and I glanced up to meet his eyes but he was looking at his hands, picking at his fingernails.

"Do you want me to get Rose?" he asked.

"No, I want to be alone," I told him. "Please, just leave me—"

"If you don't want me to get Rose, then I'm going to stay. Get pissed at me, if you want, but I'm not leaving you when you're this upset."

I closed my eyes again. "I'm just so tired."

"You need to eat more. I take it that you don't sleep well, either."

My gut reaction was to snap at him and tell him to mind his own business. But Edward had made my welfare his business by trying to help me expel my demons and I hadn't fought him on it. I welcomed it. There was no pick and choose where he butted into my life.

Plus, he was right. Food wasn't my best friend and sleep typically brought on nightmares and flashbacks of Oklahoma. My body was worn out and my mind was following in its path—ruined and glazed over with disgust and poor self preservation.

"Was there something I did that you were uncomfortable with? You don't have to go into detail but if there was something I could avoid doing in the future, maybe we could get past this. You're strong, Bella. You're going to come through this."

"I don't feel strong. I feel…" What was it that I felt? So many different things—none of which were good. "I feel beaten."

"Did you feel beaten this morning after your run?" I shook my head. "Did you feel beaten when I showed up here tonight?"

I shook my head again, a tear tracing its way under my chin. It landed on my hand and I brushed it away with my fingertips.

"So, what happened?"

"You saw what happened."

"I did but nothing I saw tells me that you've lost. What I saw was a girl, a survivor, trying to get her life back. The memories are like poison. When one attacks your body, you have to fight it or it runs through your bloodstream and takes control."

I sighed and forced myself to look at him. Shame crawled all over me like spiders forming an indestructible web. "Look, I really appreciate what you're trying to do but what I really need to do is sleep. I need for you to go."

He made no movement for the door but instead, he leaned back into the cushions of the sofa. You can add 'stubborn' to the list of qualities in Edward. Following his lead, I pressed myself into the cushions and closed my eyes. If I fell asleep, he'd leave. Why would he stay?

So, I tried to sleep. I really did but each time my mind started allowing itself to drift off, I'd sense him there: The sound of his legs changing position or a soft cough that would chase off my subconscious. I had reached my breaking point and anger was starting to chase off my tears. When I opened my eyes, he was watching me and he didn't look away at the sudden eye contact.

"If I go to bed, are you just going to sit there?" I asked.

"Maybe," he said, "maybe, I'll just sleep here tonight." He patted his hand on the sofa. "Comfy."

I rolled my eyes and conceded. "Fine. It was when you were behind me and…and I could feel you against my back." I blushed furiously as he listened, and waited for me to continue. "That's what set me off."

He nodded. "Okay, I can work around that," then scooted a little closer to me. "Is this okay?"

I hated that he treated me like porcelain and I hated myself for appreciating it.

"Yeah, it's fine."

"These things are going to happen. You lived through a horrible experience, only months ago, and things are going to upset you. I understand that. I expected that, okay?" His voice was calm and soothing. I wanted to make a blanket out of it and wrap myself up. There was no room for nightmares with Edward's voice humming in my ear.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked.

He smirked and sang, "You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again."

I raised my eyebrows. "Wow. You're quoting Sinatra?"

He shrugged. "I've already used up all my own good advice so I pulled Frank out of my ass." He stood up and offered me his hand. "Do you think you can give it another go?"

"I can try," I replied and put my hand in his. It offered me warmth, strength and support as he helped me off the couch. He squeezed my fingers before releasing my hand and I felt its cold absence on my palm.

"How about I just get close to you? Do you think you'll be alright with that? It's okay if you're not, Bella. All you have to do is tell me."

"Like I said, I can try."

He shot me a sad, crooked smile and I followed him away from the sofa. For a minute he just watched me but then he moved closer. Closer. Closer, still until he was brushing against me. My breasts tickled his torso and one of my hips pushed into his upper thigh. I couldn't…no, wouldn't panic. I closed my eyes.

"No," he whispered. The warmth of his breath swept into my hair and I felt his finger curl around my thumb. "No, you have to keep your eyes open so you know that it's me."

"I'm not crazy," I peeped. "I know it's you."

He pressed closer and I almost rested my head against his chest. The temptation to melt into him was torturous. Maybe, I _was_ crazy. The closeness of him had sent me into fits just thirty minutes prior but now, I wanted him closer. The warmth of his body sent shivers through my bones and my muscles ached as the left side of my brain waged war on the right. Lean into him…don't lean into him…lean into him…don't… His hand grazed the sensitive skin on my wrist, the sensation leaving me feeling vulnerable and giddy.

"I know you're not crazy." There was a smile in his voice and I opened my eyes to see the hole in the collar of his shirt, an inch from my nose. He was closer than I thought. Panic rose in my chest as his fingers trailed up my arm then back down to my wrist. I pushed it down until all I could focus on was the way the rough skin of his fingertips glided over my skin. His touch, oh God, his touch was terrifyingly delicious. It must have been my nerves that made my skin so sensitive. No one's touch had ever been so affective. My senses were overloaded and my emotions on edge so the mere brush of his skin against mine sent me into some space where everything felt ten times better…no different…no better.

"Look at me, Bella."

Slowly, my gaze drew up his chest and over his neck, marveling in the sharp growth on his chin. Never before had I wanted to touch something so bad. I wanted to run my cheek over his jaw, and feel the harshness of his stubble. The contrast between his gentle fingers and his rough beard would be remarkable. A warm, unfamiliar feeling similar to panic pushed into my belly. I got the sudden urge to cry out, but not in fear. My rapid breath, my racing pulse and my shaky legs weren't due to trepidation. It was something else.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

All I could get out was a weak, "Uh huh."

His chin brushed my forehead and I sighed. His hand made its way up my shoulder and around my neck. _God, my neck._ Another hotspot of flashback activity. I jerked when his fingertips passed over my windpipe. A vision of James popped into my head and I felt the warmth being replaced with ice.

"What is it?" he asked. "Do you not want me to touch your neck?"

He asked the question but his fingers kept grazing over my throat, testing and tickling. Nurturing and gentle.

"N-no, it's fine."

"Bella," he warned.

His voice hypnotized me into a feeling of safeness. His hard, warm body cocooned me into thinking that I really was someone else: An actress playing the role of a broken girl on the verge of a breakdown. This wasn't really me, I told myself. This was some other girl with some other life and this man in front of me was mine, not hers. James was fictional and never existed. He never made me bleed or bruised my skin. There never was a monster in Oklahoma who used to chase me through the dark with a loaded pistol. I was Bella, Charlie's outspoken girl who was proud and strong and beautiful.

The story was nice and for a moment I reveled in the lie but then I recalled the claim he's staked on my back. It wasn't movie makeup that would wash away. It defined me. Pushed me back into reality with a force of a thousand shoves.

"He used to choke me." I hadn't planned on saying it but something forced it out. My eyes pressed closed as the feel of his fingers against the skin of my neck ceased their movement as he chewed on my words.

"When we…when he…" God, why had I brought it up? I knew that if I stopped talking, Edward would drop it but the words felt solid as they came up my throat. Like bad Chinese.

I let my forehead drop to his chest. Edward was probably looking for an exit. His mind was probably trying to formulate an excuse to get the hell out of dodge before I could lay any more of my dysfunctional life at his feet. Just when I thought I'd lost him, I felt one hand on my back and then the other. His breath was slow and steady and I shamelessly inhaled the smell of him: Man, oil and detergent.

"He would wrap his belt around my neck, like a noose and while he was…behind me, he'd pull it until I couldn't breath." Humiliation made my face burn but hearing the words spoken out loud made my breath come easier. My body felt lighter even though my knees shook wildly. "He wasn't happy if I wasn't…struggling."

Edward's shirt was wet. Was that sweat? Had the air conditioner gone out again? I tipped my head back and felt snot dripping from my nose like water. I sniffed and tried to remember when I'd started crying again. He hugged me tighter to him and my hands twitched to hug him back but I couldn't muster up the courage. Why he was still here—I wasn't sure. He hadn't signed up for this; any of it. His plan had been to teach me how to break a nose or poke out an eye, not share our feelings and get cried on. I felt sorry for him that he was stuck in this warm apartment with me, so ruined and worthless.

I started to pull away. "You can go. You don't have to—"

"Can we just…can you stay like this for just a minute?" he asked. "I'm trying to…"

The deep breath he inhaled was released into my hair. He was shaking.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He sputtered out a quick humorless laugh. "You're asking me if I'm okay."

"I guess I am. It's just…you're shaking."

"I'm trying to make a decision."

I hated to ask but I couldn't keep from it. "On?"

_How fast to run? Which way should he go? What was the best way to convince his kooky neighbor to leave him the hell alone?_

"How to kill him."

I stiffened in his arms and he released his hold on me. I felt empty and whole at the same time, like when you stuff yourself with cake but you still want ice cream. Slowly, I tipped my chin back to look up at his eyes and there I saw that there was so much more to him than the messy hair and black tattoo. He was in pain; whether it was empathetic or something entirely different, I didn't know.

"You don't mean that," I said.

He swallowed and his jaw clenched. "Oh, I mean it."

"I don't think you could do it. You're too…" What was he exactly? Too moral? Too kind? Too smart? Yes, he was all those things but it wasn't what summed him up. "You're so much better than him."

The words I'd just said hit me like a truck. The separation between the two men had now been sliced in two like a page being torn in half. Edward was not James and he never would be. It took all kinds of people to fill the world: Happy and sad, evil and good. James was pure evil. I wasn't sure what Edward had done in his past but there was nothing that could make him anything but good. People made mistakes.

"I may have not committed the same sins as him but I'm no better," he mumbled. His hands completely left me and they fell to his sides. Slowly, he walked until his chest rubbed my shoulder. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," I whispered. "Why were you in prison?"

He sighed. "I can't tell you that. Not yet."

"Why?"

"Because I just can't," he said through his teeth. His agitation was palpable but I wasn't scared. Different people…they were two different people. He moved around so that he was behind me and my muscles ached from shivering. His chest brushed my shoulder blades and I could feel his breath in my hair.

The press of hard warmth against my back was so familiar that an image of James flashed into my vision. I remembered his hands, gripping my hips and holding me down on the days that I was strong enough to fight. Then I recalled the times I'd been submissive, lying beneath him until it was over.

My teeth started chattering and the panic rose up my throat.

"Breathe, Bella." Edward's voice was so close to my ear that I imagined his lips grazing the sensitive skin of my earlobe. "It's just me."

I knew at this point that this wasn't about self defense anymore. This was something so much more complex. My soul was bared and Edward could do what he wanted with it and I'd have no say. No objections. No arguments. The battle of panic and surrender fought in my blood and within the fibers of each of my tight muscles. Fight or flight. It had been such a huge part of my life the past year. I'd chosen both on occasion and I'd never been able to defend either until now.

This was right.

"Talk to me," I suggested. The battle within me was exhausting and I needed some sort of leverage for the fight. When questioning silence came from behind me, I answered it, "Tell me something that I don't know."

My head lulled back until it hit his chest, or his shoulder or his arm—I wasn't sure but it didn't matter. He was there. Edward was there. Only Edward.

He cleared his throat. "You burn more calories sleeping than you do when you're watching TV."

My eyes popped open and I chewed on my lip to suppress a grin.

"How do you do that?"

There was a smile in his voice. "Do what?"

"I'm wading through shit here, getting visions of hell itself, and you make me smile. You're so…"

"Clever? Handsome? Well endowed? I can keep going if you need help with the right adjective. I'm a wealth of knowledge; like a walking thesaurus."

The lip chewing wasn't helpful anymore. I let out a wet giggle followed by a few sniffles and a sigh. "I was going to say effectual. You know, you laugh and I follow even though I have no idea what the heck you're laughing about."

His chest pressed into my back just a little harder. "Maybe it's just you that is so easily persuaded."

I sobered quickly at his observation, remembering how easily I'd put the engagement ring on my finger in hopes of possible love. "Some things never change, I guess."

"I was only teasing, Bella."

I sighed. "Yeah, well, you're right." The weight of his hand eased onto my shoulder and he squeezed. A supportive motion but it was like having a ton of bricks land on my head. "Tell me something about _you_ that I don't already know."

"Like what?"

"That's a ridiculous question. If I had any idea, I would have asked you but since I want you tell me something I don't know, then how am I supposed to ask about it?"

There was a pause then he said, "What?"

"Never mind," I mumbled, starting to turn around. "This is silly. We should just call it a night and—"

His hand on my shoulder kept me from twisting. "When I was younger, my sister had an obsession with wolves."

I stopped talking. Stopped breathing. Stopped blinking. Edward was not only going to talk about himself, but about his family. I swallowed. The hand that he had rested on my shoulder was gone, disappearing somewhere between "when" and "wolves". This would be hard for him; I knew that, even without the shaky hint of reluctance in his tone or the quick change in his breathing pattern. The thing that got me the most was that he was doing this for me, to ease my fear and help me regain some normalcy to my life.

"She must have watched that stupid 'Dances with Wolves' movie a hundred times, crying each time she watched the wolf get killed. At least once a day, she'd spout off some fact about wolves that no one really cared about. My mom thought it was sweet that she found an interest in learning about something other than nail polish or shoes. Dad thought it was just a phase. But when she turned fifteen, she approached them about this Wolf Habitat in Indiana. We were set to go on a vacation during our spring break but we hadn't decided where we were going yet. Being seventeen with normal seventeen year old male urges, I voted for Miami where visions of bikinis danced in my head. Mom wanted to take us somewhere historical; she was always trying to get us to have fun and learn at the same time. She was a teacher, you see—always thinking about our education."

I didn't let the past tense use of his mom throw me. He'd told me that his family was dead so it wasn't a surprise that he'd talk about them as a memory.

"My dad didn't give a shit where we went, as long as it was far away from Chicago. Apparently, Brookville, Indiana was not far enough away for him which was where the Wolf habitat was. Alice begged for just a day during our vacation to see the wolves. She told us that they let us pet them and used the 'learning about an endangered species' tactic on my mom." He chuckled at the memory and I couldn't help but smile. But my smile didn't last long. Edward had a sister and obviously, she wasn't alive anymore. Had all of them perished together, leaving Edward to fend for himself? I cringed at the idea. Before I thought too hard about it, I reached behind me and found his hand. He leaned forward, and pressed into my back with his chest and his chin brushed my ear. He sighed, almost as if he'd found comfort in the gesture.

"To make a long story short, we ended up going to Niagara Falls for our vacation. It was okay,"—he squeezed my hand—"but there were no bikini clad girls or bartenders willing to help a desperate high school kid get drunk. It was a nice family vacation. On our way back home, mom and dad surprised Alice with a trip to Brookville."

"I bet she was excited," I blurted.

He chuckled. The sound vibrated through my ear, through my sternum and into my belly where it rejuvenated the warmth that had been depleted by my horrible memories of James. I closed my eyes and leaned back into him until he was supporting some of my weight.

"Oh, Christ, all of us had ringing ears for the rest of the weekend," he said with laugh. "Alice was a squealer."

I laughed and pulled on his hand, settling it on my hip. A hotspot. Images threatened but I focused on the feel of Edward's rough chin against the skin of my neck and his soft, smooth voice.

"It was actually pretty cool. Alice was even into it when they fed them. They just threw whole deer carcasses into the enclosures with them and they fought for dominance over the meat. She became more than obsessed with the animals after that. On several occasions over that next summer, she got me to drive her the five hours so that she could visit the wolves. I bitched and moaned about it but I secretly liked the drive down there. We'd jam to whatever the hell she was listening to at the time; she'd ask me questions about sex and I'd answer her with lies."

"You lied to her about sex?"

"Well, she knew the basics already but I sort of fibbed about certain things so that she'd never do it."

"Like what?"

He sighed dramatically. "Well, let's see, I told her that condoms rarely work."

"Well, that's not so bad, I guess."

"And that semen smells like raw sewage," he added. My face screwed up with disgust. "There was no way Alice would let something like that come near her."

"That's disgusting," I noted.

His hand squeezed my hip playfully. "That was my angle."

"Did you like visiting with the wolves?" I asked.

"At first, it was all right but I didn't find it nearly as fascinating on our fourth or fifth trip out there. So, while she was making kissy face with a wild dog, I sat in the car and read or listened to music. I'd always make her buy me dinner on the way home, though and I could seriously eat when I was seventeen."

"You can still seriously eat."

He ignored me.

"For Christmas that year, Mom and Dad bought her an adoption at the Habitat. They adopted a wolf for her that was named Jericho."

My eyes went wide. "They adopted a wolf?"

He chuckled at my reaction. "Not in the bring-home-and-raise sort of fashion; it's more of a sponsorship. She was ecstatic. She was in Brookville at least once every couple of weeks throughout the year. God, she was in love with that wolf. I think a part of him was in love with her, too. I swear to God, he'd know when she was coming because every time we arrived, he'd be standing at the front almost waiting for her. He'd grunt and groan as she rubbed his belly and whispered in his ear like they were best friends."

"That's sweet," I said.

"Yeah," he replied. Then he grew quiet and I could sense his demons had ganged up on him. "How ya' doin'?"

I nodded, having nearly forgotten that he'd started the whole tale on account of me. After I'd taken stock in my own emotions, I was elated to feel nothing but sympathy for Edward. Maybe some curiosity about his family and some comfort from the cocoon he'd weaved over me with his own body. For the first time in months—wrapped up in Edward—I felt safe.

There were so many questions that burned in my brain about Alice and his family. I couldn't. It would ruin this, what we had in this moment. The warmth, the closeness, and the safeness would disappear with the words. I was too selfish, too wrapped up in that foreign and delightful feeling that was coursing through my body.

I decided to go with a safer question. "Does Jericho still live at the habitat in Indiana?"

"As far as I know," he replied. "I haven't been there in a while."

And that was it, his shield was back up and the hand he had placed on my hip fell to his side. I twisted and he backed up a step so that my chest wasn't brushing against him. I was grateful but oddly disappointed.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"You know that you don't have to—"

I didn't let him finish. "Yes, I do. I appreciate you sharing a part of your life with me like that just so I could, I don't know, pull myself together. I don't want you to think that you shared that with me for nothing."

The Adam's Apple in his throat bobbed up and down as he looked at me. His eyes, a jade green, were full of pain and compassion. He glanced at my lips and I froze. Did he want to kiss me? Better yet, did I _want _him to kiss me? No, I couldn't possibly want him to kiss me. Nothing that started with kissing ended well no matter who the man was that owned the lips. Sex was disgusting and dirty and pointless. Kissing wasn't any different—just not as evasive. But the feelings I got, deep down in my core, when he leaned toward me were not panic. They weren't disgust. They were anticipation.

His hand cupped my cheek and he was so close and I didn't pull away. I should have pulled away because a large part of me wanted to stop him and run for cover. But that tiny part, that was curious and excited and bubbled with delight, was dominating my stance—my wide eyed, stiff stance that probably spoke volumes of the waging war inside of me.

"Bella," he whispered as his lips grazed over the cheek that wasn't occupied with his hand. They were soft and rough and I wanted more. No, I didn't. Yes…I did. "You are so sweet."

His other hand wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer to him so that I was in that safe zone again. It undid me. I leaned into him and just let him take control. No more internal battles of debate in regards to the right thing for my self-preservation. I gave into him, something I swore I'd never do after I left Oklahoma and ran from James.

James. _Shit!_ Had I forgotten all the times he'd kissed me gently on the cheek and professed his love for me? Had I forgotten where it got me? I knew that there was no comparison between the two but allowing myself to go back there wasn't worth it. I couldn't go back to giving something of myself away to someone. Who was Edward, really, anyway? He had secrets. What if he'd been to prison for beating the hell out of a girlfriend? There was too much about him that I didn't know. There were too many questions and just because my insides melted when he touched me and my brain went all fuzzy when he looked at me didn't mean that I should give him my heart. It wasn't worth it.

Just as his lips brushed against mine, I put my hand on his chest and jerked out a push. Of course, I didn't move him but it was a clear signal. His head snapped back and he looked at me, his expression confused. Then realization crept into his eyes. He nodded once and dropped both hands. I regretted it…no, I didn't…oh, yes I did.

"I'm sorry," he whispered then turned swiftly toward the door.

My heart almost shattered.

"Wait, Edward! I didn't—"

"Have a good night, Bella," he interrupted without turning to look at me. "You can have tomorrow off."

Then he closed the door behind him. I couldn't help but swiftly follow him and lock it as I heard the sound of his own door opening and closing across the hall. Without thinking too much about it, I got ready for bed and thought about turning some lights out, like a normal person would do. I had the same conversation with myself every night as I lay on my mattress with my sheets up to my chin. Turning off the lights was no big deal. The bathroom sink still dripped whether it was day or night. My milk still sat, three days expired, on the top shelf of my fridge whether it was light or dark. Nothing changed just because I flipped a switch.

Being the typical nutcase that I was, I told myself that the lights didn't hurt anyone. No one would even know that I was twenty four years old and scared of the bogeyman. Sure, it was atypical but I had actually _had_ an experience with a real-life bogeyman in Oklahoma. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, normal people.

So, my inner nutcase won out and the lights stayed on which gave me plenty of time to think about the events of the evening. I'd screwed up in more ways than one. Allowing James into my psyche during Edward's lesson was the first screw up. I had to get better trying to forget and let go of the past or I'd never be able to achieve, well, life. My second mistake was not letting Edward get Rose, in turn, letting him stay. I was thankful that Edward had told me about his sister and the wolves but his sincerity only led me to my third mistake: I let myself become entangled in Edward. There were feelings there and I couldn't think of him, or anyone else, in that way. Edward was helping me and the first chance I got, I allowed myself to feel for him.

My fourth mistake was a murky one. It went against everything that I'd just told myself to believe in and live for. It sent tingles down my spine and onto my scalp, giving me no other option but to smile a little. Just this once, I should have let him kiss me.

On Wednesday, while Emily was in school, Rose borrowed Edward's car and we drove to the clinic where she usually went if anyone in her brood got sick. It wasn't the cleanest place and the nurses all had permanent constipated looks on their faces but I was able to get tested just to make sure that James didn't give me anything. It was humiliating but necessary.

Just as usual, that morning Edward had picked me up bright and early for our run, with Rose and Sammy tagging along. She'd found a decent stroller at one of the second hand baby shops in town and she was ready to roll. Edward was distant and mostly quiet, except when I voiced Esme's invitation for a fall cookout at her home for the following Sunday.

"I can't go," he grumbled.

"Why?" Rose was panting and sputtering as she attempted to run but was trucking through it. I was proud of her for keeping the pace. Edward had taken over stroller duty and it was rather comical to watch. You don't see a grumpy man pushing a baby stroller filled with giggling, chubby child very often. "Your meeting doesn't start until five thirty. That gives us plenty of time to—"

"You know that I have other obligations on Sunday, Rose," he spat.

She tried to sigh but it came out as a wheeze. "God, my shins are killing me." She did some sort of shuffle-run and caught up to Edward. "You can skip it for one Sunday. God isn't going to put a lightening bolt in your ass just because you don't go. You should come. It'll be fun."

He sped up which caused Rose and myself to scowl at his back. "I can't drop everything for a cookout. How are you going to get there if you don't take my car?"

She narrowed her eyes. "We'll ride the bus."

"You won't ride the bus if I'm not on it with you."

Her mouth dropped open and she gaped at him even though he couldn't see it. She recovered and said, "The hell I won't! Just because Emmett…"—she coughed and wheezed a little—"assigned you to take care of us don't mean that you decide where and when I'll go somewhere."

"I'm responsible for—"

"Stuff a sock in it, Edward. We'll talk about this later because right now, I'm ready to keel over and I can't have a good argument when I'm concentrating on my ass jiggling too much or my knees caving in."

The rest of the run, Edward was quiet and Rose was scowling.

"Edward can be a jerk sometimes," Rose grumbled on our way home from the clinic. "He still won't go on Sunday."

"What does he do on Sunday afternoons, anyway?"

She sighed and cut her eyes to me. "Since I'm so peeved at him, I don't mind dishing his dirt when he's not around. I don't think he'd care if you knew, anyhow. He goes to the late morning service at the Grapevine Church downtown and then afterwards, he goes to Faith Mission to serve dinner to the homeless."

I looked at her in shock. That had not been what I was expecting.

"Every Sunday?"

She snorted. "Yes, every freaking Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I think what he's doing is an admirable thing but he's not doing it because he wants to. It's sort of a retribution kind of thing."

"Retribution for what exactly?"

"For something he blames himself for every day of his life. That's all I can really say about it because I'm not peeved enough at him to air out all his dirty laundry. If he misses a Sunday, he gets all worked up about it and ends up back to square one. All gloomy and shh…stuff"

"It's like a therapy for him," I noted.

She shrugged. "I guess. It doesn't seem to be helping him, though. He just stays in one place in his mind—been there since he got out of Pekin five years ago. The man does nothing for himself because he doesn't feel he deserves it. I don't know what he's going to do once Emmett gets out and we aren't there for him to take care of."

"I've had the same thought," I told her.

"Well, it's not like we're going to shut him out of our lives or anything. But we'll be a family for the first time since…well, ever. My butt muscles are really hurting by the way. Any suggestions for that?"

I wasn't sure if she was changing the subject on purpose or not so I just rolled with it. "I thought you'd have some pretty good butt muscles since you spend a few nights a week dancing on a pole."

She gave me a shocked open-mouthed look but let out a bark of laughter. "Girl, I do not pole dance. I have a whole routine worked out. They call me 'The Vampire Vixen' because I wear this cheesy vampire outfit."

I snorted out a laugh. "What exactly do you wear?"

"Oh, fake teeth, a cape and little black pasties," she replied.

When I was done giggling, I asked when she was quitting since she didn't want Emmett to know about it.

"Well, he should be out right around Halloween so probably a couple of weeks before he's released. I'll have to burn all my thongs," she said then added, "unless you want them."

"Good Lord, no. What would I do with them?"

She shrugged and shot me a wink. "You might meet someone."

I grew serious and waved my hands in front of me like an umpire calling a runner safe. "Never again."

"You can't mean that."

"Oh, I do," I told her.

"Not all men are dogs, Bella. In fact, a good majority of men are decent and good. Look at Edward, for instance. He's a catch."

I raised my eyebrows and wondered for a moment if he had told her about what happened in my apartment a couple nights prior. "Edward is a great guy with a retribution problem."

She shrugged. "Well, we all have our issues. Sometimes, we need a little help from someone we love to sort them out. He likes you, you know."

"How do you know? Did he say something?" I tried hard not to sound like a teenage girl but my voice still came out squeaky.

A crooked grin played at her mouth. "Remember when I told you that Edward doesn't let people into his life?" I nodded. "Well, look at you. There's something about you that makes him sweat. I know Edward so don't try to deny it."

So, I made Edward sweat. What exactly did that mean and why did it make me a little happy? I decided to change the subject because I couldn't go there even if a tiny part of me wanted to.

"If you're quitting your job at the club, are you going to look for another one?" I asked.

She snickered because she knew the reasoning behind my subject change.

"Emmett has a brother in the area who owns a shipping warehouse. Even though I don't really like the guy, Emmett has kept in touch with him the past ten years so he's going to work for him when he's out. It won't be glamorous but it'll pay the rent."

"Have Emmett's parents visited him?"

"Oh, heck no," she answered. "They disowned him the second they found out that he knocked me up. Brad is the only one in his family who still talks to him."

"Brad is his brother," I concluded.

"Yeah, and neither Emmett nor me trust him but he can't turn down a job."

"Why don't you trust him?"

"Brad is just sleazy, you know what I mean? He's always got this…this look in his eyes like he thinks he's better than you. He makes you feel stupid half the time without making it obvious. What's the word for it?"

"Asshole?"

She laughed. "Yeah, that's it."

"Ath-ole!" Sammy yelled from the backseat.

"Nice, Bella. Nice."

That evening after Rose had went to work, I baked up some chocolate chip cookies out of some pre-made dough that I had gotten at the market that day. When I was done, I had about four dozen. I wrapped up some for Edward, some for Rose and some for Jacob.

Jacob answered the door with pants on this time. He smiled brightly at my offering and told me that I deserved some Shania, even though it would almost surely make his ears bleed.

"If you want to listen to some good shit, you should come by _Breaking Dawn_ sometime on a Saturday night," he said grinning.

"What's _Breaking Dawn_?"

"Oh, fuck, it's this club I DJ at on weekends. Fucking rocks. You and Rose should come sometime and I'll get you some drinks for free. How zat?"

I shrugged. "It's not really my kind of place."

He held his hands out, palms up. "You haven't even been there yet, honey. How do you know it's not your kind of place if you haven't been there?"

"Does it get crowded?"

"Like a whore house on Christmas Eve," he replied.

"Then it's not my kind of place. I'm seriously uncomfortable in crowds."

"Honey, my name is big there. I'd make sure that you get taken care of," he said. "Thanks for the cookies."

"No problem," I told him. "Share with Leah."

He stuffed the remained of a cookie in his mouth and waved his hand at me. "Oh, she's at work. Won't even know they existed by the time she gets here."

I laughed as he shoved another bite into his mouth and closed the door.

Next, was Rose's and since it was after eight, I tapped on the door. Moments later, it opened to a tired looking Edward.

"Did I wake you up?" I whispered.

He rubbed his eyes and yawned as if making a show out of his tired appearance. "Yes."

I apologized and he just blinked at me.

"Here," I said, thrusting the cookies at him, "I made you guys some cookies."

He sneered a little. "I hope you kept some for yourself. You need the extra weight."

I narrowed my eyes and pointed my finger at him. "Listen here, buddy. I don't know what crawled up your ass but you're being an asshole."

"I've always been an asshole."

"No, you've always been blunt. You've just started being an asshole."

He sighed. "Well, I'm sorry you've mistaken me for someone who gives a shit."

I crossed my arms over my chest and hissed, "Apparently!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Next thing I knew, I was huffing behind my own closed, locked door. Something I'd done had obviously pissed him off. He'd acted this way since Monday night when I'd stopped him from kissing me. Was it simple rejecting that turned his blood cold or was it something else? I couldn't imagine that stopping the intimate moment was too hard on his ego. It wasn't like he was going in for a kiss with Miss America for God's sake. Rejection from me was likely to earn a shrug or maybe an eye roll at best.

Sadness crept over me when I realized what it was. He was angry because I'd finagled information out of him about his family. Of course! He'd told me a very personal story about his sister and now he regretted it. Each time he saw me, it probably reminded him of how careless and stupid he'd been to share that information with me.

There were a couple ways to handle his anger. I could ignore it, which would be the easiest choice, and hope that eventually he would let it go. Or I could divulge some of my own secrets to make him feel less vulnerable. Having figured that he already knew too many of my secrets I went with the former.

However, one thing was certain: Ignoring Edward would not be an easy feat.

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><p><strong><em>AN: Okay, who's mad at Bella? I felt pretty bad about what I did to Edward but I figured Bella having a breakdown and then twenty minutes later, making out just didn't feel right. Even if it IS Edward. He's angry but it's not what you think it's about. ;)_**

**_I have a lot of readers who are worried about Jake. Who thinks he's bad? Good? Just a chill dude who lives next door? Just curious. _**

**_If you voted for my fic. at The Lemonade Stand, THANK YOU! I appreciate each, any and ALL reviews! _ **


	13. Chapter 12  The Storm

_**A/N: Wow. Just Wow. You guys... I have no words. Thank you for all the amazing support. **_

_**Softragoo ~ Thank you for the love, the rec, and the prereading.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things twilight**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter twelve<strong>_

My eyes popped open at the thought. It was such a simple and obvious thought that should have come to me months ago. I sat up and blinked away the usual fog that came with sleep. Luckily, the idea had waited until morning to hit me. I pictured myself sitting wide eyed in my bed at 3am, waiting for the moment that I could put my idea into action. I felt like clunking myself on the head with my knuckles because the idea had been so apparent. I could call Charlie at work.

I glanced at the clock. It was too early to call. Typically, his day started at eight and ended at five. I'd have to wait until after my run with Edward—who would no doubt be surrounded with fluffy bunnies and daisies—to call him. There were definitely obstacles and challenges with calling him at the station. Whether it was Joe or Sandra who answered the phone, they'd recognize my voice. If he wasn't there, they'd know it was me and tell him I called. In turn, he may voice it to James. They had caller ID at the station and I wasn't sure if the *67 would work when I called there. If someone recognized my voice, got the number and called the house to leave it for Charlie, wouldn't they surely give the number to his daughter's grieving fiancé?

As I thought about it, the idea didn't seem as grand as it originally had. There was some risk. A lot of risk but would it be worth it to get the message about James through to my Dad without exposing myself and him? How would he react? Would James know as soon as my dad showed his face around him? I would have to get him to understand how dangerous James is. Even then, I didn't know if I could tell him where I was without freaking out.

"Can I ask you a question?" My body was quickly getting accustomed to the running but my shins still ached and my breath still caught in my lungs.

"Depends," Edward replied, "Does the question start with 'why' and end in 'asshole'?"

"Not this particular question but it's possible that you're on the right track," I told him.

"Ask away," he told me as we turned a corner and headed in a different direction than we normally did.

"What would you say if I told you that I might have a way of getting in touch with my dad?"

"Without the douche bag finding out about it?"

"Yeah," I replied, "well, hopefully he wouldn't. It's not fool proof but it's all I have."

"What's your idea?"

"I call him at work where James won't be. Hopefully, I'd be able to convince

him where I am. The station has caller ID and I'm not sure I could keep them from finding out my number. Once I called, there's a good chance I'll be found."

"That sounds kind of risky. How much do you trust your Dad?"

"With my life," I told him and I meant it.

"Well, it shouldn't take a lot of convincing to get him to believe what you're telling him, then." His tone sounded cautious and I sensed there was more.

"I sense a 'but' in there somewhere."

"Without a statement from you in person, there's not much they can do to James without proof. Your dad might go a little crazy and wind up in jail, himself. Do you think he could control himself if he knew what happened and wasn't able to lock James up?"

I thought about it as sadness and defeat washed over me. "No, he wouldn't. He'd try to kill him."

"I'm not an expert but it might be better if you're able to wait and face the bastard so that you can file formal charges against him."

"And even then, he might still get away with it," I noted.

"Do you think your dad could at least trust you enough to come here without telling James? You could call him at work and let him know where you are so you could explain things to him. If he's in a completely different state then it would be difficult for him to take his anger out on him before they're able to lock him up."

That was the best idea so far. If I could get my dad here without James knowing I talked to him, it would be downhill from there.

"My biggest fear is that he'll give something away. James is waiting for this opportunity and the first strange look he gets from my dad, he'll know. I think he'll know as soon as he leaves town to come to Chicago. He might follow him here and kill him before he even reaches me."

I shuddered as I imagined my dad pale and bleeding in the streets somewhere at the hand of James. The girl flashed through my mind, the blond curls and the lifeless body that was flung over James' shoulder. He was capable of anything and it was terrifying.

"Things can go wrong with any situation, Bella. Do you have faith in your dad?"

"Of course," I replied, "but I also know how cold blooded and devious James is. All it would take is one off-kilter look and he would know."

"So, you could just stay here until you're ready," he offered. "We'll keep working out, getting you strong enough to face him. When you're ready, we'll call him."

"I can't stand the thought of that son of a bitch staying with my dad, eating his food and sleeping under the same roof. What kind of daughter am I to allow that without warning him? What if James decides to just off him in the middle of the night? No, I have to warn him."

"I thought you just said that you have faith in your dad," Edward noted.

"I do. He's the best man that I know and incredibly smart."

"Well, then, he will probably figure it out for himself, if he hasn't already. He's a grown man, Bella, and a cop to boot. You have to do what's best for you; wouldn't he say the same damn thing?"

"Yeah, he would. He'd want me doing whatever is the safest thing. Funny how the safest thing passed me up a year ago the day I left for Oklahoma. I was _such _an idiot. Sometimes, I think I should have stayed in Oklahoma; maybe, I deserved it for being such a moron to just up and leave with him like that. God, I even got engaged to him without even really knowing him. How stupid can one person be?"

"You're starting to piss me off," Edward warned.

I ignored him. "I should have fought harder the first day he handcuffed me to the stair banister. I should have killed myself trying to get away. I stopped screaming for help after a few hours—I should have screamed until my voice gave away. There were so many opportunities when I could have taken off but I was too freaking scared. I was weak and stupid. Maybe I deserve—"

Edward took my hand and brought me to a halt. He was furious, that much was obvious, but there was something else there too; something that scared me more than the anger.

"If you tell me that you deserved that one more time, I'm going to shake you so hard that your teeth are going to rattle," he ground out. His hand was still gripping my arm, his fingertips digging into my flesh. "No one deserves that, no matter how stupid they were when making decisions. Stop blaming yourself because it's pissing me off and it's giving me a really big fucking headache."

"Oh, then by all means, if it's inconveniencing you, I'll stop," I spat. "God forbid that Edward gets a headache over my fucked up life!"

He snarled at me and I narrowed my eyes in return.

"If you want to go back there and get…killed because you think you deserve it, then go right ahead. Who am I to stop you? But if you do, then you might as well take your dad with you because he's going to be the one with the guilt. He's going to suffer the rest of his life because he allowed you to get in that situation."

"He didn't allow me…it wasn't his fault," I said, weakly.

He cocked his head. "Who says? The man is a cop, Bella. Don't you think he should have done some sort of research on the guy before you moved hundreds of miles away with him? Did he have any reservations? Did he even realize that you were planning on marrying a man that you didn't love? It was every much his fault as it was yours and it's the reason why you keep making excuses not to call him. You lost your faith in your father the first time James beat the shit out of you."

Something snapped. I slapped him across the cheek, hard enough to turn his face sideways so that I was glaring at his profile. He closed his eyes and bit back several curse words that I knew were on the tip of his tongue.

I pressed my molars together and said, "Fuck you!" before running back from the direction I'd come. I half expected him to follow me but when I glanced over my shoulder to take note of where he was, he was still standing there. His face was angled toward the ground, and his typical strong posture was slumped in defeat.

After I turned the corner, I stopped running and found a place in the grass by the sidewalk. I put my hand over my face and sobbed until my stomach hurt. My lungs gasped for air and my eyes burned with salty tears.

How could I have done that? I hit him. How could I? All those times that I'd been beat down by James. The memories came at me and I felt like I was being smashed in the head with a two by four. Not only had the physical beatings hurt like hell, but it tore me down emotionally and mentally. The thought that I'd just hit someone, let alone someone who cared for me and was trying to help me, made my stomach turn.

A group of people walked by and stared at me on the ground. I kept my eye on the corner, hoping that I'd see Edward coming back from his run. The urgency to apologize was tormenting me from the tips of my toes to the split ends of my hair. When I had been sitting there for close to thirty minutes and there wasn't any sign of him, I stood up and started walking home.

It took me an hour. I'd be late to work and the thought of walking there made me almost laugh out of exhaustion. But I did and I made it there at only ten after.

"Sorry, I'm late," I said to Esme as she tidied up behind the counter. "I had some issues."

She raised her eyebrows in question.

"I got into an argument with Edward, one of my friends."

"What did he do?" she asked.

I smiled in spite of the crappy mood I was in. She had repeated my question, the same one I'd asked when she told me she argued with Carlisle.

"I'm a horrible person," I told her.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the back room. We hadn't opened yet so there wouldn't be anyone coming in. Esme was very intuitive. One look from her pale blue eyes and I was sunk. I burst into tears and she pulled me into a hug.

For the next twenty minutes, I repeated the same story that I'd told Rose and Edward. She didn't interrupt with questions nor did she flash me judgmental glares. I wondered if she would mind if I called her "Mom".

"So, this morning I had this brilliant idea to call my dad at work. While I was running, I told Edward about it and he accused me of blaming my dad for everything. He said that my dad should have stopped me from going to Oklahoma in the first place. His opinion is that deep down, I've lost faith in him and that's why I keep making excuses not to call him." I pulled my hair out of the ponytail and started pushing it back. "I'm trying to protect my father from a killer."

"It sounds like Edward is trying to help you but he has issues of his own," Esme pointed out.

"Yeah, he does but…" I took a deep breath and exhaled it through pursed lips. "Would it be horrible if I told you that he might not be far from the truth?"

"No, it wouldn't be horrible, Bella."

"I love my dad and before this happened, I saw him as invincible. A little immature for a college graduate, don't you think?"

"I think it's nice that you thought so highly of him," she told me. "There are lots of women your age that easily dismiss their parents."

"Now, though, now I can see his weaknesses. When I think of James manipulating the situation and my dad playing right into it, I feel…I don't know…" I wiped my eyes and blew my nose into a tissue that Esme had offered to me.

"Angry? Disappointed? Vulnerable?" she asked.

I nodded and a new wave of tears flooded my vision. "Yeah, all those things. Why can't he see through that monster's bullshit? He knows me, Esme. My dad knows me better than I know myself so why couldn't he see it from the very beginning? How do I know I'm safe with him if I choose to go back?"

I put my hands over my face to hide my shame. How could I think such things about the man who'd put his very life on the line for me? Charlie Swan was not perfect and that revelation brought me to my knees. He wasn't the smartest cop, the best judge of character or a flawless father—that was a hard pill to swallow.

"Did you tell him that you didn't love James?" Esme asked.

I peeked at her from between my fingers and shook my head.

"It's reasonable to feel this way, Bella. It really is. Do you know how many times I wish I could go back and analyze every little thing about Sarah's marriage? I used to lie in bed at night and go back through my memories and pick out little things that—if I had been paying attention—pointed to her abuse. If she was in your situation and she was talking to someone who wasn't her mother, do you know what advice I'd pray that she'd get?"

"What?"

"Protect yourself. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_, is more important than your child. You will do anything to preserve their innocence, educate them about the dangers of the world, and prepare them for what may come their way but they have to make decisions on their own at some point. At some point, parents have to shoo their kids out the nest, no matter how painful it is. That was what Charlie was doing for you—letting you fly."

I wiped some more and blew more snot before responding. "I didn't realize how similar you feel to what my dad would go through if he knew…"

"Parents' guilt never ends no matter how old your child is," she told me. "A very handsome and wonderful man told me that once."

I smiled. "Let me guess: Carlisle."

She grinned. "Yep."

"You don't seem shocked about anything I told you," I said, studying my shoes as I talked. "You knew, didn't you?"

"I told you that you and Sarah remind me a lot of each other. The day you walked in here, I took one look in your eyes and promised myself that I'd do anything I could to help you."

"I guess I looked pretty pathetic."

She shook her head and took my hand. "No, you looked like a survivor."

* * *

><p>That night, as I made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, a strong storm started blowing in. It was unusual for this part of the year—it was almost September. Thunder roared in the distance and flashes of lightening lit up the twilight sky. The wind was brushing branches against the side of the building and my stomach tied up into a knot. If the power went out, I'd be screwed. I had been out after work, shopping for more workout clothes. If I'd known about the pending storm, I would have sprung for a good flashlight. The thought of being surrounded by complete darkness made my dinner hard to swallow.<p>

When the storm finally hit, I was shaking and pacing back and forth in silent prayer. Making promises to God was easy in scary situations but I didn't find solace in anything else at the moment.

_Dear God, if you love me, you'll keep the power on. Please. I'll do anything. I'll go to church every week. I'll get baptized again. I'll donate all my money to charity. Please. Please. Please. Amen_

Then I crossed myself just so God knew I was serious. The lights flickered and I took that as a direct sign that God had it out for me. I yelped, ran back to my bedroom and grabbed my pillow. As another wave of thunder rolled through the sky, I snatched up my blanket too.

I peed quickly and brushed my teeth. After grabbing a bottle of water, I hunkered down in my corner where I absurdly felt safest. For good measure, I stopped breathing and stared at the living room light. It was dim but it still burned my eyes to look at it.

The lights blinked off and I yelped again. My heart stopped beating and the darkness surrounded me. Then they came back on.

I sighed out of relief, put my hand toward the heavens and squeaked out a "Thank you, God." Tears formed in my eyes. He really did love…

Then they went out. And they stayed out. My breath snagged in my chest and my stomach squeezed hard on its contents. I swallowed and hugged my knees to my chest. The darkness was different when it was the entire block going black. Electric stopped humming altogether in power outages making every little movement from all my fellow tenants sound like gunshots. I jumped at the footsteps above me and the shout from one of my neighbors at the front door.

"Oh God…" What more could I say to the mighty man upstairs? He obviously knew that all my promises had been laced with shit.

A door squeaked open then closed lightly. Footsteps. I closed my eyes but it made it worse. I opened them, blinking to readjust to the darkness. Someone knocked on my door and I froze. What if he found me? What if he cut the power out to the building and he was using the storm as an excuse to get me? What if…

"Bella?"

I let loose a sob at the sound of Edward's voice. There were only ten feet between me and the door. I could do ten feet.

"Are you okay?" he asked through the wood.

My mouth opened, inviting words to come out but I couldn't manage it. I stood up on shaky legs, clutching my pillow to my chest. He knocked again and I jumped out of my skin.

"Bella! Are you in there?"

I took one look around, gauging where my furniture was and took off. It took me two long seconds to reach the door, another three to fidget with the locks and get it open and one more to swing it wide. Before I knew what was happening, I flung myself at the hard body standing in the hallway and held on for dear life.

"What's wrong? Are you…is everything okay?" he asked, his voice strained from the girdle of arms around his waist.

"Yeah," I squeaked, "fine."

"Okay," he said, slowly. "Rose called and the kids are already in bed so she told me to leave her the fuck alone. I thought I'd come over and make sure that you're alright. Clearly, you're fine." The sarcasm in his voice on the last three words was thick.

"I really, really, _really _hate the dark," I mumbled.

He shifted on his feet and my body went with him because I wasn't letting go. It would take the Jaws of Life to pry me away. My ear rested on his chest and I could hear the faint beat of his heart through his chest. The warmth and sturdiness to his frame barely registered as the fear took hold of me, but it still registered. I still felt it. I closed my eyes and I felt like it was possible to sleep, to really sleep, for the first time in a year.

He sighed. "Do you want to come over to my apartment?"

"Or you can come to mine. Either way. I'm not picky. Just don't leave me alone."

"I won't leave you," he promised. "You have to let go so I can walk."

"Oh, you can make do. It'll be like dancing."

He snorted. "I don't dance."

"Well, neither do I so this should be pretty entertaining."

He blew out a puff of air and I imagined it filling out his cheeks like it normally does when a situation has mentally exhausted him. "I promise I won't leave you, Bella." He started to pry my hands apart and pull them away from his torso. I whimpered as my arms became empty. "I don't even mind if you watch me piss."

"Why…_why_ do the lights have to go out?"

"It was a storm. It happens pretty frequently in the spring around here and it takes them ages to get it back up; sometimes in the winter, too, because of the ice."

"Oh, God…I have to move," I whined.

He chuckled as he opened his door and pulled me through the doorway by the hand. "Did the lights never go out in Seattle?"

"Oh, they went out but that was before…"

He closed the door and handed me what felt like a flashlight. I found the button and pressed it. The small light it offered was like some sort of miracle. Angels would have sung if they weren't all busy trying to find their own flashlights. A thump registered above us and I jumped.

"Chill out," he advised. "That's just the old man who lives above me. Walks with a cane."

"Humph," I replied.

"You want to do a work out? I was on my way over before the storm hit the lights."

I narrowed my eyes. "You were? It was a little late."

He shrugged. "Late is better than never, right?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"I'll go get my mitts," he said.

I thought about following him but decided that it was crazy but when he didn't come back in ten seconds, I started to panic.

"Edward?"

A muffled "what?" came from the hall way.

"What are you doing?"

There was a pause and I imagined him puffing out his cheeks with air again. "I'm taking a leak!"

"Oh."

He shuffled back out a short while later and gave me a look.

"You told me that I could come with you," I said.

"To the bathroom? I was kidding."

"You shouldn't kid with someone on the verge of a mental breakdown, you know. It'll get you into trouble."

"I'll keep that in mind," he replied. "Stand up."

He took the flash light out of my hands and stood it up on the TV stand so that it pointed at the ceiling. It created a spotlight effect that made me self conscious. I had retired my headband when I brushed my teeth and my bangs were ferocious.

"Here, put these on." He tossed me some gloves that felt thick and had the fingers cut out of them.

I examined them and found the tag still hanging from them. "These are brand new. Did you buy these for me?"

He shrugged in response.

"I'll pay you back," I told him.

"Consider it a gift," he said without looking at me.

I walked over and grabbed his hand. "Thank you for the gloves…for everything."

There was so much more I wanted to say; words on the tip of my tongue that were dying to be expelled. He looked at me and his eyes sparkled in the light from the flashlight. Guilt was a burden, weighing me down, as I remembered the feel of my palm smacking against his warm flesh. A lump knotted itself into my throat and I swallowed it down, barely able to keep from falling to my knees and begging for his forgiveness. I didn't deserve his kindness. I didn't deserve him.

"Now I know what to get you instead of flowers," he teased, sensing my wiry emotions.

I snorted and put on the gloves. When they were secure on my hands, he pulled me by the elbow into the center of the room. There wasn't any furniture except one love seat and a stand with a small, older TV sitting on it. It looked like he'd either just moved in or was on his way out, even though I knew neither of those was correct.

"Okay, so I'm going to teach you to pull some punches. Maybe some kicks, if you're up to it." He smiled, looking almost giddy at the prospect of teaching me to induce violence on the man who—unwittingly—led me to Chicago.

I put my fists up like Sylvester Stallone did in the movie Rocky, and plastered a sneer on my face. I thought about shouting out a loud "Adrian!" but decided, at the last minute, that the joke was tacky. No one likes tacky boxing jokes.

"No, no, no—your stance is all wrong." He moved toward me, setting the mitts down on the floor. "Is it okay for me to move behind you? Tell me if it is. Don't fib."

"I'll tell you if I feel like I might vomit."

"Good enough," he said and moved behind me. I expected panic, especially since the lights were out and the silence was so deafening but I got nothing. Well, not exactly nothing—I got the same feeling I'd gotten the last time Edward was that close to me. Safe. Warmth. Serenity. "Put one foot forward like this…" He nudged my heel with his toe and I stepped forward. "Next, angle your hips…and bend your knees a little." His hands on my hips caused me to lose focus. I forgot all about the bending knees and concentrated on the feel of him touching me, letting the heat of his hold on such an intimate place sink in.

"Bend your knees a little more, Bella." I mentally shook myself and bent my knees. "Good. Now, put this hand like this…" His fingertips grazed my arm as he positioned my stance. Why couldn't I just focus? Fireworks were going off inside me, from toes to brain and sweat started beading on my forehead. "Okay, I think you're ready. You look good, ready to fight like that."

I almost giggled.

He picked up the mitts and held them out, ready for me to start punching away. With dancing eyes, he told me which fist to use to punch at the mitts.

"Those things are hard," I complained. "My hand hurts."

"You're not concentrating," he scolded. "Think about what you're doing and just do it."

"I am and my knuckles are turning blue."

He straightened a little and narrowed his eyes in thought. "Why are you afraid of the dark?"

His question took me by surprise and I straightened.

"I've always been afraid of the dark," I admitted. "Even when I was little."

"When you were in school and the lights went out, you panicked like you did tonight? Because, I can't say I'm too comfortable with you clinging to the first guy you see just because the lights go out. A surefire way to get into your pants would be to simply flip the switch on your fuse box then knock on your door."

I sighed. "First of all, I could handle the fear a lot better back then and second, there wasn't a man at U-Dub that would have gone through that kind of trouble just to get into my pants."

"And here I thought all college boys were smart."

A blush crept up my face and I turned away to make sure it was clear of the light. He was good at flirting, I'd give him that. A smile was threatening to take over my face but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"What happened to make you so terrified of the dark, Bella?" he asked.

"I told you, I've always been—"

"In Oklahoma, did he trap you in the dark while he was gone? Did he leave you in closets? The basement? Tell me so we can get it through to your knuckles how important this is."

My hands clenched into fists. "Let's just keep practicing. I'll be fine if—"

"What was it like being trapped in the dark all day? I can't imagine that it was pleasant. Did he even give you a place to use the bathroom? Did he even give you food?"

My eyes grew wet and I shifted on my feet. If only the lights would come back on and I could run across the hall and trap myself inside my own safe apartment. But I couldn't and he knew it. I was trapped just as I had been in Oklahoma.

"Damn you," I whispered. "Why are you doing this? Why can't I just do my thing and you do yours? Teach me, don't lecture me, Edward. Do you think this is easy to talk about? Because it isn't."

He approached me and I stood my ground. His hands gripped my upper arms gently and he pulled me even closer to him. I thought for a moment that he was going to hug me but he stopped short.

"I can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn," he said. "You need to remember why you are doing this. If a couple of bruised knuckles keep you from wanting to learn then…then we may as well quit."

I stared at him and he stared back. A tear trickled down my cheek and he swiped it away with his thumb. With a sigh, he let me go and turned around, tossing the mitts on the loveseat in a motion of surrender.

"H-he used to hunt me," I said. "He'd cut the power, cock his gun and tell me that I had a fifteen second lead on him."

Edward turned around and stared at me. "The gun; was it loaded?"

I nodded frantically. "Sometimes he'd put one bullet in the cylinder and spin it. When he found me, which he always did, he'd point and pull the trigger. I'd never know if I was going to get blown away or not. Other times, he'd strip me naked and…and used a paintball gun." Edward closed his eyes and shook his head, disgusted. "He loved it if I played well. If it took him a long time to find me, he'd get so freaking excited. If I didn't do well, then he'd either make me do it all over again or punish me. He owned a big house, so sometimes I could avoid him for fifteen, sometimes twenty minutes."

"I'm sorry, Bella," he whispered.

"When I'm in the dark, like I was tonight, all I can see is him moving around, ducking behind furniture in an effort to find me. You were right about being trapped in closets and the basement during the day but that wasn't so bad. Anytime he wasn't home, wasn't so bad compared to when he was."

Edward was five feet away and then he wasn't. In a flurry of motion, he was in front of me and wrapping me in his arms. This time, I didn't hesitate to hug him back and melt into his warmth and hard muscled body.

_Oh God, thank you, God…_

His voice was full of emotion when he spoke. "I'm so sorry for what I said earlier…about your dad. I didn't mean—"

"You were right."

His muscles tightened. "What?"

"You were right," I repeated. "I think that I'm terrified to go back to my dad because he let me down. He's not as tall as he was before I went to Oklahoma."

"Oh Bella," Edward cooed as he smoothed circles on my back with one of his palms. "I'm sure your dad is a great cop and an amazing father. I don't want something I said to change your mind about him."

I shook my head against his chest. "You didn't; you only helped me realize that he's not perfect and I'm too scared to risk him knowing where I am. Not yet."

With reluctance, I pulled away from him and put my hand on the same cheek I'd hit hours before. "I don't…I'm so sorry that I hit you. I'm so ashamed and I would do anything to take it back."

He looked at me; the fire that was always so transparent in his eyes was almost glowing in the dull light. "It's okay. I probably deserved it."

I shook my head. "No, no, no one ever deserves that."

The corner of his mouth pulled up into a crooked grin. "Oh, I can think of one person who does and if I ever met him, he'd have trouble walking the rest of his life. My boot is a size thirteen and it would feel pretty nasty going up his—"

I couldn't help myself. I shot forward and cut off his speech with a kiss. It wasn't R-rated—our lips remained pressed tightly together and it was awkward, at best, but I hadn't had much practice. Edward was like a statue, his body stiff from the contact. When I pulled away, we shifted awkwardly away from each other. Edward's knuckle grazed the stubble on his jaw and I fiddled with my bangs.

"So, you ready to try this again?" His voice cracked as he picked up his mitts. "Remember the reason you're afraid of the dark. Think about that when you're beating the shit out of this leather."

I nodded and grinned. "Let me at 'em."

For the next hour, I followed his instructions and instead of feeling the pain, I savored it. I drank it in and relished in the fact that I was choosing the pain. It was my choice to feel it and I let it better me, as a person.

"You did good," he said, sitting beside me.

"Thanks," I said, awkwardly, "sorry about, erm, before."

He furrowed his brows. "What?"

"I didn't plan on kissing you. When you talk about doing physical harm to James, I just get all—"

"Horny?"

I sputtered, coughed and snorted all at the same time while my face blushed scarlet. "No!" I squealed.

"I'm teasing," he said with a grin. "Don't worry about it. It wasn't so bad."

I cleared my throat and willed the lights back on. Nothing happened. "Is it terribly horrible of me to ask if I can sleep on your couch?"

"You can sleep in my bed. I'll take the couch," he reached his arms behind him and stretched. "Who knows; maybe, I'll join you in the middle of the night and start talking more physical violence on that douche bag. I'd like to push the envelope on that one."

I rolled my eyes, thankful that he wasn't being a jerk about it.

An hour later, I was tossing and turning in bed. The dark was too dark and the night was too quiet. Edward was only thirty feet away in the living room. I could hear his snores from where I was lying. But still, the sudden noises of the night made me restless.

A floor creaked somewhere and it sounded close. I sat up in bed and listened. It happened again and it sounded like someone was walking down the hallway. I pulled the sheet up to my chin and stopped breathing. Edward's snoring was still echoing off the walls like a chainsaw and still, the floor creaked again. Panic rose in my throat and I prepared to scream as I stared at the door to his room expectantly. No one appeared. Nothing happened.

Had it been my imagination? No, it happened again. The prayer from Forest Gump repeated in my head like some sort of Voodoo charm:

_Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here...Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here…Dear God… _

Then it happened again, this time further down the hallway. Someone was going toward the living room, toward Edward.

"Oh, shit!" I hissed.

Then I did the only thing I could think of and I screamed Edward's name as loud and as quiet as I could. It came out as a shriek/hiss.

He came bounding down the hallway, his size thirteen feet pounding away at the worn carpet.

"What?" He looked around the room, blinking and trying to focus. He was in fighting stance, his knees bent and his chest puffed out. "What?"

"I think someone is in your apartment," I hissed.

"What makes you say that?"

"The floor was creaking in the hallway like someone was walking on it."

He rubbed his palms over his face and straightened. "That's the pipes. They run right under my hallway so they get creaky sometimes. Usually, you don't hear it but with the power out, it's pretty quiet so…"

"Oh…oh, I'm sorry that I woke you up," I whispered.

He blinked at me with a frown on his face.

"What?" I asked, tugging at the sheet.

"You haven't fallen asleep yet, have you?" he asked.

I shook my head. "It's too dark."

He sighed. "I can sleep in here if you want."

My eyebrows shot up. "You would?"

"No funny business," he said, pointing a finger at me. "As soon as women know that I'm a size thirteen, they can't wait to get inside my pants."

I snorted but blushed for the hundredth time that night. "I'll try to keep myself from humping you in the middle of the night."

He flopped down beside me and I immediately felt better.

"Just so you know," he said, "I wouldn't blame you if you did."

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><p><em><strong>AN: Thank you, Mother Nature! Cocky and sweet Edward is the best, right? The whole fight with Edward was tough to write but had to be done. Bella had to learn absolute trust in Edward and come to terms with what she was feeling toward Charlie. Hope it wasn't too hard to read.**_

_**How do you think Bella and Edward are going to wake up? Anybody want an extra chapter this weekend? Lemme know... :)**_


	14. Chapter 13  It ain't me, babe

_**A/N: Yeah, so it's almost Saturday, right? I really have no idea how my RL is going to go tomorrow so I wanted to go ahead and post this. To answer a question-No, I don't do Twitter. I can't figure out Twitter. I'm already freaking out about that stupid Facebook Timeline thing. I don't adjust to change well, apparently.**_

_**Also, I accidentally fibbed. We don't have any details in this chapter of Bella and Edward waking up together. That will come soon **coughcoughnextupdatecough** Sorry about that!**_

_**This chapter is dedicated to all of those who voted for me in TLS Fic. of The Week poll! I didn't win but damn, it was such a rush to be nominated. Thanks again, Six Dlbfive! You...*emphatically pointing at Six Dlbfive*...are fecking awesome! Thanks to everyone from TLS for so much support! You know who you are and I owe you! :)**_

_**Softragoo, you got mad prereading skills. **_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things twilight.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter thirteen<strong>_

By the look of Esme and Carlisle's house, they weren't hurting for money. They lived in an upscale neighborhood in a huge white house, complete with a white picket fence. A large oak tree sat in the front yard where an old tire swing hung unmoving from one of the branches. Perfectly rounded bushes outlined the front porch which had a white swing on one side and a small potted orange tree on the other.

"Are you sure they don't care if the kids come? First chance he gets, Sam will probably toss something valuable and I'll end up having to wash their dishes or something." Rose's eyes were wide as we walked to the front porch. I grinned at her timid little steps as she held Sam's hand.

"Esme is amazing," I told her. "She'll love the kids."

"Are we having hot dogs?" Emily asked. "Because Gwen told me that hot dogs have chicken lips in them. Hot dogs will make me puke."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Chickens don't have lips, Em. They have beaks."

"Well, I still can't help but get sick when I think about eating one," Emily announced. "I'll refuse."

I knocked on the door.

"Emily Grace, if you refuse food from these nice people, I will bust your rear so hard that my handprint will be in 3-D on your butt cheeks for a week." Rose put one hand on her hip. "Got it?"

Emily blew out a sigh, clearly not impressed with her mother's threat but not willing to call her bluff. "Yes, Ma'am."

Rose narrowed her eyes. "I mean it."

The door opened and Esme stood on the other side of the screen door with a smile on her face. She looked excited as she introduced herself to Emily and Sam, kneeling down to their level. As Rose shook her hand and gave her that no-holds-barred grin of hers, I remembered something: I'd forgotten to tell them about Carlisle's leg. I knew it wouldn't be important to Rose but I couldn't imagine the looks on the kids' faces when they realized that they were meeting a one legged man. I mentally cursed my stupidity. This would be entirely embarrassing for all of us; especially Carlisle who I was sure didn't like attention drawn to his handicap.

"Come in, come in…Carlisle is in the back, firing up the grill," she said, waving us in. We walked past her and I stopped to give her a hug on my way in. For someone who relished her independence for the first 23 years, I had grown painfully attached to the people in my life.

"How you doing, kiddo?" she asked.

I smiled at her. It was only a question but the genuine concern in her eyes conjured up unexpected tears. "I'm good," I told her then corrected, "really good."

"Thanks for having us over," I told her as she followed me into the house.

"Oh, thanks for coming. He's driving me crazy, wanting to try out all his new internet purchases. I told him that he needed a new hobby so he bought a Wii." She rolled her eyes and I giggled. "Wants me to try out some bowling game."

"Emily would probably love it. She'd jump at the chance to play video games," Rose said.

Esme's eyes lit up and she looked at Rose as if she'd hung the moon. "That's a fantastic idea! Why didn't I think of that? Wait until he hears."

We walked through the long, seemingly endless hallway and into a kitchen with stainless steel appliances. The counters were marble. The floor was hardwood. Rose's eyes were wide as the expensive saucers that sat on the kitchen counter waiting to be stacked with vegetables and dip.

"You have an amazing house, Esme," Rose murmured. "It's so lovely."

That was the thing I loved about Rose. She didn't get bitter about material possessions. Rose didn't see what other people had and what she didn't have. If I had grown up with shitty parents and been forced into the stripping business to feed my family, I couldn't imagine not feeling a little resentment when I saw a house like this.

"Oh, thank you," Esme replied. "Make yourselves at home."

The three of us blinked at each other then shuffled our feet on the floor, nervously. Emily popped her gum and drool ran down Sam's chin.

"Uh, come out back and I'll introduce you to Carlisle."

We shuffled out the back door, and I held my breath when Carlisle came into view. He was standing in front of a large grill with a red apron on that read "Mr. Goodlookin' is Cookin'!" When he saw us, he waved with the spatula and pressed down on the crutch that kept him from falling. He looked remarkable for someone who'd recently won the fight for his life but the effects of the chemo were obvious: His hair was thin and blond, his skin pale and loose, and his frame was thin. The smile stretched across his face was glorious as we approached him.

"Hi! I'm Carlisle," he said to Rose.

She grinned and shook his hand saying, "I'm Rose McCarty. This is Emily and the munchkin' is Sam."

Carlisle held his hand out for Emily who was gaping at the space where his right leg should have been. Rose nudged her with her hip and Emily shook herself, slowly shaking hands with Carlisle. Sam was more interested in the smoke billowing out of the grill.

"You must be Bella," Carlisle said and walked toward me. His crutch cracked on the pavement with each step but I let him approach me, instead of going to him. His eyes were kind and his smile so genuine; it was easy to see Esme and him as a young, beautiful couple holding hands and walking along Lake Michigan. I could imagine him as a father to little Sarah, his first impression of her and the awakening that he had in the nursery when he first nicknamed her "Blossom".

"I am," I said, offering my hand.

Instead, he wrapped his free arm around me, spatula and all, and gave me a short hug. It was then that I knew that Esme had told him everything. I wasn't alarmed or angry that this stranger knew such intimate details of my past. The hug was reassuring me in what I already knew. This couple, with their expensive home and shattered dreams, was already part of a growing family for me. The short hug told me everything I needed to know about Carlisle and what I found out was good.

"Good to finally meet you," I told him, breathing away tears. "I've heard so much about you!"

His blonde eyebrows popped up and he glanced teasingly at Esme. "Knowing this one, it wasn't all good."

"Most of it was good," I offered. "There was something about you being a little grumpy in the mornings."

Esme let out a noise of amusement.

Carlisle sighed. "Well, we all have our faults. Spend some time with me and I'll share some secrets of my own. Your sweet and beautiful boss snores like a truck driver."

Esme gasped. "I do not!"

"Twenty five years of marriage and she still doesn't believe me," he stage whispered. "I hope everybody likes chicken and hamburgers!"

While the food cooked on the grill, we sat in lawn chairs on the back porch and chatted. As it turned out, Esme wasn't fooling when she said that she loved kids. She got along great with Emily, who went on and on about the quandaries of life as a ten year old. Carlisle made faces at Sam and was asking him what his favorite color was when Rose chimed in.

"He doesn't talk real well, yet," she told him. "His pediatrician said that he's behind. We were supposed to get some county program to give us therapy but since he's almost three, they told us we'd have to talk to the school district."

Carlisle stiffened. "That's ridiculous."

Rose snorted. "That's what I said but it wasn't as pleasant sounding as how you said it. I told them…" She glanced at Sam and Emily. "Well, I told them what I thought of their little rules."

Carlisle flipped a hamburger and turned back around, his face pinched up into what looked like anger. "If Sammy qualifies and from what I can see, he probably would, it's his legal right to get state funded therapy. It's their job to walk you through it, even if he_ is_ almost three."

"So, what they told me isn't true?"

He shook his head. "What county do you live in?"

"Cook," she replied. "How do you know all of this?"

His face softened minutely. "Oh, I'm a retired pediatrician. If one of my patients has a clear delay, I refer them to Early Intervention."

Rose looked like she'd just gotten to the cherry in her shit and cottage cheese sundae. "Really? Do you know anyone I can…I mean, if you don't mind, do you have anyone that I can call?"

"Let me make a few phone calls. Do you remember who you spoke with? They need to figure out who is telling people things like that so that it doesn't happen again."

She scrunched up her face in thought. "I think her name was Linda something…uh, Linda Taggert, maybe."

"Hmm…okay, make sure you give me your phone number and address before you leave."

"Thank you," Rose said, looking pleased as punch, "that would be really great."

Carlisle shrugged and grinned. "It'll feel good to do something productive for once."

"Oh but, honey," Esme chimed in, "who's going to buy useless junk over the internet if you're busy doing something productive?"

"You didn't think that new clay mixing bowl set I bought you was so useless, did you?" he teased.

She pressed her lips together into a frown.

"That's what I thought," he said with a grin.

The dinner was great and everyone retired inside as the air grew chilly. We groaned as we sat down in the living room, all of us holding our stomachs and doing great imitations of pregnant women.

"I shouldn't have eaten the second hamburger," Esme groaned. "All that bread is going to make me feel bloated for a week."

"Me too," Rose sputtered.

"There's no way I can run tomorrow," I mumbled. "Rose, are you with me in going on strike with Edward?"

"Oh, yeah," she said, "I'm with you all the way."

"How come he didn't come?" Esme asked.

"He was busy," I told her. "If it had been yesterday, he would have been here but he always has plans on Sundays."

She didn't make anymore inquiries about Edward's Sunday plans which made me feel relieved. I felt a sense of protectiveness toward Edward and I wouldn't divulge anything personal about him to anyone, unless he knew about it. The night that I'd slept in his apartment was a memory that I kept close to the forefront of my mind. I'd told him about certain humiliating things that I'd gone through in Oklahoma and while some would have turned their backs on me, not wanting to get involved with a twisted man like James, Edward did the opposite. He drew me in, held me close and offered himself up so that I would feel safe for just one night.

We'd slept in the same bed, platonically of course, but when I'd woken up the next morning, I'd never felt more rested. His presence to my subconscious was a sleep induced miracle. Just knowing that he was there beside me, his warmth and steady breath, was enough to let me sleep eight hours with no nightmares to jerk me awake or worries to keep me from sleeping. It had been two nights since I'd fallen asleep beside him and the nightmares seemed worse.

There was definitely something about Edward that made me feel safe.

"So, you want to play some Wii with me, Emily?" Carlisle asked.

She straightened on the couch, glancing at her Mom.

"It's okay, Em," Rose encouraged.

Emily stood up, next to Carlisle and took the little gadget he offered her so that she could control her player. She glanced down at the empty space under his right knee, indicating her concern for his ability to keep up with her.

"Oh, it won't keep me from winning," Carlisle said smugly.

Emily blushed and looked down at her shoes. Rose sat forward to scold her daughter for being judgmental but Esme put a hand on her knee, stopping the words from coming.

"In fact, this is the best part of playing the game," he said with a smile. Using the little devise, he turned on some bowling game and he quickly set it up. When his player got into position to bowl, Carlisle pointed at the TV. "See, I've got two legs!"

Emily giggled and the tension in the room vanished.

"Let's see what you got, little one," he told her.

"They're having him fitted for a prosthetic next week," Esme whispered as Rose and I watched him pick up a spare. "He's nervous about it."

"Why?" Rose asked. "It seems that he would look forward to it."

"He's gotten used to the crutch and…well, the crutch isn't similar to a leg. The leg he lost is gone and can't ever be replaced. When they fit a fake one on, he's afraid that it will make his life harder, not easier. He once told me that he had fifty six good years with that right leg and it would feel like he was cheating on it if he ever got a replacement."

I didn't know whether that last part was funny or sad but Rose let out a good snort. "Seems like a typical man. If it doesn't have buttons to press or titties, they have a hell of a time trying to make it fit into their lives."

My eyes went wide. Esme barked out a laugh.

"I'll have to use that on him when he starts arguing with the prosthesis."

On the way home, Emily dozed off immediately next to Sam's bobbing head. Rose glanced at them before a light turned green and she grinned.

"They're so sweet when they're asleep," she murmured.

"What are you talking about? They are always sweet," I argued.

She blew out a noise of disbelief through her lips. "I love Carlisle and Esme. Did you hear them offer to babysit for me? That would be amazing!"

"I told you that they were pretty cool people."

"I wish Edward could have met them. Carlisle seemed desperate for another guy to talk to. I wonder if they have many friends in the area."

I shrugged. "Maybe when Carlisle got sick, they grew apart from their friends. Going through something like that can change people's perspective—good and bad."

Rose nodded. The sun was already set but it wasn't completely dark. Twilight: My least favorite part of the day—when the natural light of the sun disappears for a good twelve hours.

"So, what do you think Edward would say if I asked him to sleep with me?" I blurted.

Rose didn't seem surprised by my question. In fact, she answered in stride. "I think that's a pretty darn good idea." She glanced in her mirror to check the kids' sleep status and looked pleased to see them still dozing. "Edward is wound up so tight that if you gave his dick a good yank, he'd probably spin on his toes for a good hour."

I was slightly pleased but mostly mortified by her response. My mouth fell open and I just stared at her for a moment while my mind tried to formulate some response that wouldn't pinpoint me as a scared, sexless freak.

"I'm not talking about sleeping as in sex, Rose," I hissed.

"Well," she sighed, "that's a shame."

"No, it's…" I stopped myself and realized how embarrassing this conversation would be later when I went back over it in my head. "Remember how I slept over at his apartment a few nights ago when the power went out?"

"I'm not senile," she replied. "It was only three days ago. Of course, I remember."

"Well, I slept really good."

She cut her eyes to me and winked. "I bet you did."

I let my head flop back and I rolled my eyes. "Can you just get your mind out of the gutter for ten minutes?"

"I'm a stripper, Bella," she said as if that explained everything.

"I'm afraid of the dark," I proclaimed. "To make a long story short, when the power went out, I freaked. Edward came over; I didn't really give him a choice but to take me back to his apartment. He started sleeping on the couch but, once again, I freaked out. He slept next to me all night—no funny business—and I slept like a baby. Now, I want to do it again. A lot. Like, every night."

Rose chewed on my words for a few minutes before answering, "What does Edward get out of it?"

"What? Rose, just never mind. I can't have a serious conversation with you—"

"I'm serious! Edward allows you to sleep with him every night, which I'm sure he will, and he doesn't get anything in return?"

I threw my hands up, exasperated with her question. "What should he get out of it?"

"You," she answered.

I blinked at her.

"I care a lot about Edward, Bella. That man has been through some serious shit and he has more shit to go through. He's decent, kind and hard working but he gets attached to people. He already cares for you and if you spend every night sleeping together, he's going to care about you even more. Edward doesn't do that. I've never known him to even go out with a girl once and here you come along and he can't get away from you."

"Gee thanks," I deadpanned.

"No, I don't mean it like it's a bad thing. I mean it as a good thing. You're good for him."

"I don't want…I won't ever, ever be with a man again, Rose. I care for Edward, too, but I can't go there again. I already told you that."

"Exactly," she sighed. "You are going to break his heart, Bella."

"You think I want to live like this?" I hissed. "Do you think that I wouldn't love to just be _that_ girl for Edward? I'd love to help him chase his demons away but I'm too broken, Rose. There is nothing I can give to him in return. The security he would give me—that would allow me to sleep—would have to be on the house."

We sat in silence for a while, as the hum of the engine cut through the tension between us. It was stupid and selfish of me to ask about sleeping with Edward.

"There's no chance that you'll trust Edward enough to give him a chunk of your heart?" Rose finally asked.

I sighed. "If I were to ever give a chunk of my heart away, Edward would be the one I'd give it to. He really is amazing." I turned to her and furrowed my eyebrows. "How do you even know he'd accept a chunk of my heart?"

"Did I not just tell you, Bella? He has never, ever had a girl sleep over at his place."

"That was by chance," I explained.

"Yeah, and if you came to him about doing it again, he'd think about it for a whole two seconds before doing an internal happy dance and accepting. He takes you running. He's training you to fight for yourself."

"He trains Emily, too."

"Yeah, and he's been in her life since she was five years old. He loves her like he would a niece or, hell, even a daughter. I just want you to see how invested he is in you and how fragile he is," she told me.

"Big tough man on the outside and all mushy, gooey on the inside?" I asked with a smile.

"Exactly," she said, returning my grin. "Just know that if you lead him on and hurt him, I'm going to have to bitch slap you."

I thought about what she said and wondered if it was possible to lead someone on without even realizing it. I had kissed him. It wasn't planned and he seemed unfazed by the gesture. The kiss had been a thank you that I couldn't put into words. It wasn't unpleasant and I'd had many daydreams about doing it again. The feel of his rough stubble against my cheek, the warmth of his body pressed to mine—the thoughts made my toes curl in my shoes. But I wasn't the type of girl who guys fell in love with, not anymore. I was branded and ruined; another man's trash that had escaped the garbage bin in the middle of a windstorm. He already knew a little but once he knew it all, there wouldn't be a thing to keep him beside me.

"What exactly do you think Edward's internal happy dance looks like?" I asked, trying to break free of my self-loathing thoughts.

Rose raised her eyebrows. "Edward's forte isn't dancing but I imagine there are some cabbage patch moves and maybe a running man somewhere in there."

"And there's definitely some shuffling," I added.

"Oh, no doubt."

For the next several days, I ran with Edward and we did some additional training at night. The gloves became like a second skin for me and my knuckles adapted to the pounding they took each night. I'd started doing kicks and I'd missed Edward's crotch by narrow margins a number of times. Balancing on one leg had never been something I'd been talented at but I'd started getting the hang of controlling my projected kick.

He'd also told me to use every weapon I had. The back of my head could break a nose. My fingernails could gauge out an eye. I'd started looked around rooms, as soon as I entered them, looking for possible ways to bring down an attacker: A pencil, hairspray, and a gallon of bleach. In my head, I'd played a mini-movie about how I'd defend myself against a faceless attacker with just about everything in my apartment. At one point, I was sitting on my couch popping peanuts into my mouth, frustrated that I couldn't think of one way to disable an enemy with them.

It had become my obsession.

"Don't think about how much bigger and stronger they are than you, Bella," Edward had told me. "You have to be resourceful and quick. Don't give them time to think and don't run until you're sure they can't get you. Just keep kicking."

I felt stronger and bigger and less afraid of walking into my apartment every afternoon. When I shoved the shower curtain away from the tub, my stance didn't depict me as someone ready to crawl into a corner and go fetal. While I was stronger, mentally and physically, I had a long way to go before I'd survive an attack from James. The man was a trained and proven killer and I was still someone who had run from him.

Sleep was my biggest obstacle. If I didn't have nightmares that woke me up in the middle of the night, it was the glare of the lights that kept me awake. Most nights, I'd lay there awake with an exhausted body, wondering who I'd see in my dreams that night. Sometimes, it was my dad and other times it was James. On one occasion, I dreamt of blonde burls and lifeless blue eyes; that was the worst. I woke up, crying for the girl that had died for me and the possible countless others that I wasn't aware of. Guilt would run its course. Even though I didn't know her name, I grieved for her every day. That evening, I took it out on Edward's mitts.

"Easy, Killer!" Edward said with a small grin on his face. "You're going to put holes in your gel gloves."

Breath heaved in and out of my chest and I wiped my brow with my wrist. "Sorry, I'm just feeling it today."

He shook his head once. "Don't apologize. I like it. Just don't let your knuckles bleed."

"Can we do kicks?"

His eyes widened as he considered my request. "I'd rather stick with the fists. Keeping my balls intact is important to me."

I shrugged a shoulder and called him a chicken.

"Yes, but I'm a chicken who can procreate."

With a sputtered laugh, I continued pounding away at his mitts. My knuckles raged and throbbed but every time I thought about stopping, I'd see her face. Hear the snap of her neck. Where fear usually rooted itself inside my gut, anger took its place. I pressed my molars together and my lips formed into a sneer as I pounded away with my fists.

"Okay, so spill it," Edward said. "You're getting good, but today you're an animal. What's up, Bella?"

I ceased for a moment and then continued my assault. "Nothing."

"Come on," he urged, "that's bullshit."

"I had a bad dream last night and it refreshed my memory on how much I hate him," I explained. "That's all."

"What was it about?" he asked.

"The girl he'd killed and how cowardly he was to do that to someone who couldn't fight back." With my right fist, I connected it especially hard to the leather. "She was unconscious."

"It wasn't your fault, you know."

I scoffed and said sarcastically, "Sure, it wasn't." I stopped my assault on the leather and looked at him. "If I'd just called my dad and did what he wanted me to do, then she'd still be alive."

"How do you know?"

"So, you think he killed all those girls?" I asked, dropping my painful fists to my sides. "There had to have been at least seven or eight. If he'd killed them, there would be reports filed by families."

"How do you know that there weren't?"

"It would have been all over the news down there. We lived in a military community. The government would have been all over it."

"There weren't ever any reports on the news at night?"

I hesitated and licked my lips. He glanced at my mouth briefly before he returned his gaze to my eyes. God, he could see right through me. How did he do that? Those eyes that made me so afraid and so terrified before were now like a gateway into some deserted island. His soul was transparent through those eyes and it made me ache for him. The knowledge that his insides were filled with grief and misery was like a knife in my back. I felt helpless against that stare but I couldn't look away.

"He didn't watch the news when I was with him," I told him.

"You should research it," he advised.

"Why? So I can feel that much better about myself?" I quipped.

Several things happened at once. Edward's angry and argumentative expression told me that he was going to drop the mitts. It was too late to react appropriately since my fist was already making a b-line for his face. It connected with the side of his nose and he stumbled backwards, meeting the edge of the couch with the back of his knees. All I could do was watch as he toppled sideways, with one hand clutching his nose and the other catching his fall onto the floor.

"Fuck!" Edward's muffled scream sent me into action. "Christ on crutches!"

I ran up to him and knelt beside him, wondering how it was possible that I did that damage to his face.

"Oh, crap! You're bleeding!" I screeched.

He looked up at me. "No shit! You punched me in the fucking nose!"

I made him bleed. I made the big, man stumble and fall to his knees. _I did that._

Without thinking, I pulled off my shirt, leaving me in only my sports bra and pressed it to his nose. For a moment, he just stared at the six inches of exposed pale skin that appeared with the absence of my shirt, but then he shook himself. He grabbed the shirt roughly and held it to his nose.

"It smells like—" He cut his own speech off as he narrowed his eyes at me. "Why are you smiling?"

"What? I'm not…" I put my fingers to my mouth and sure enough, I was grinning—teeth and all. "Sorry. I didn't mean to."

He stared at me for a few beats. "You're still doing it."

I couldn't help it. Giggling commenced and he rolled his eyes.

"I'm not laughing at you, I swear! I feel really bad about hitting you. I'm so sorry."

I helped him to his feet, well aware that the grin was still plastered on my face. He eyed me curiously as he held my t-shirt to his injured nose. It didn't seem to be gushing blood which was always a good thing.

"I didn't break it did I?" I asked.

"If I told you it was, would you still be grinning?" There was a light tone to his voice.

With force, I pulled my lips into a frown but I could still feel my eyes dancing with joy.

"You're awful proud of yourself, aren't you?" he asked.

I gave up on holding in the grin. "That was…empowering. I mean, I never thought I could hurt you and with one pop to the nose, I…God, it just feels amazing to know that I'm able to at least put up a fight."

He quirked an eyebrow and said, "Isn't that what this whole thing has been for? All these morning runs and shit?"

"I was running on blind faith that it was possible."

He blinked. "Huh," he remarked, "I should have let you sock me in the nose a week ago."

I laughed. "Do you want some water?"

With a groan, he sat down on the couch. "That would be lovely."

"I'll be right back, then."

As I made my way into his kitchen, I tried hard to wipe the grin off my face. Pride was something I hadn't felt in a while and it felt quite similar to an adrenaline rush. My blood pumped furiously through my veins and the newly acquired muscles in my arms felt solid and sturdy. I felt strong.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and turned to head back out to the living room when something caught my eye. There were a dozen knives sitting in a wooden holder on his kitchen counter. I closed my eyes and the pride that was so pungent just a moment ago, seeped out of me like black oil. I'd forgotten to cover my back. Surely, Edward had caught a glimpse of the message written there when I walked to the kitchen. What were the odds that his attention was focused on his feet or the bloody t-shirt in his hands? Even if he didn't see it, how would I get out of here without him seeing it with no shirt to use as cover?

"Stupid, stupid, stupid…"I muttered to myself.

"Just a minute ago, you couldn't stop smiling." His voice echoed off the bare linoleum floors of the small kitchen.

I refused to open my eyes and see the disgust written all over his face. It would tear me apart. I could manage it if it was anyone else but to have Edward know how damaged I was made my stomach twist. I swallowed and squeezed my eyes closed at the sound of his footsteps getting closer. It was cowardly; I knew this but the child in me was hoping that whole if-I-can't-see-him-then-he-can't-see-me thing would actually hold true. I could be invisible as long as I didn't have to look at him and see those eyes burning through me. I was so ashamed and humiliated. How could I have been so stupid?

"Bella," he whispered. He was right there; close enough to hug.

I shivered and wrapped my arms around my abdomen. Then something warm wrapped around my shoulders and over my chest. A blanket. He'd brought me a blanket. The momentary relief was replaced by grief. If he'd brought me a blanket then surely he saw what he was covering up with it.

"I'm so stupid. How could I forget?" I said, mostly to myself.

His hands rubbed my shoulders, tenderly and forcefully as if he was trying to bring me back to life. Then, as if he had made his mind up about something, he sighed and pulled me into him. I didn't fight it but instead, melted into his frame. He held the blanket in place as I wrapped my arms around him and stuffed my face into his chest. Even though he'd been helping me workout, he smelled so good. It was a smell I wanted to douse myself in. He felt good, too. I didn't want it to end. But, he pulled away and I followed suit, thinking that he'd already given me enough.

"Look at me," he whispered.

I opened my lids and looked into his eyes. As always, they burned and the green flashed as he stared at me. I felt small and incredibly insignificant when he towered over me and looked at me like that.

"You almost broke my nose," he told me.

And just like that, my pride had taken a u-turn and was scrapping its way back into my blood.

"Well, I'm glad that I didn't," I answered.

The corner of his mouth twitched. "You did good, Bella."

That was a hint of a goodbye and as humiliated and embarrassed as I was, I didn't want to go back to my apartment. I wanted to crawl up in bed with him and feel him hold me as I fell asleep. The thought of getting a full night's rest again was overwhelming any shame that lingered.

"Can I ask you something?" He shrugged and I took that as a "yes". "You can tell me to 'Go to Hell' if you want but I was wondering if…"

"If what?"

I cleared my throat and pulled the blanket tighter around me. "Last week when I slept over here, it was the first time in a year that I've woken up and actually felt good. I felt like a different person. I was just wondering if you would mind if I slept with you again."

His eyebrows shot up and then he ran his fingers through his hair. "Uh…so you want to stay over here because you sleep better?"

If my sanity wasn't at stake, the nervous fidgeting he was doing would have been endearing. "I sleep better when I'm with you."

A twisted expression crossed over his features. "You really shouldn't."

"I can't help it if I do."

"You just need someone to be with you. Maybe Rose would let you sleep over with her."

I shook my head. "It's okay," I told him and meant it. "I should just get back to my place."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I just…"

I grabbed his forearm with my hand and squeezed. "It's really okay. I understand."

"No, you don't."

"Maybe, someday I will," I replied with a small smile.

Jake met us in the hallway on his way out. He gave the blanket wrapped around my chest a double take and then narrowed his eyes at Edward.

"How's it goin', Bella?" he asked, still glaring daggers at my companion.

It was almost comical. "I'm good. What about you?"

Edward puffed out his chest and put an arm around my shoulders.

"Oh, ya know, off to work and shit. Have you thought about my invitation to come down to the club and hang?" He turned his attention to me and added, "I'd show you a good time."

The arm around my shoulders grew taut and I could hear teeth grinding.

"Uh, yeah, maybe sometime."

"Okay, well, have a good night," he said, smiling then returned to glaring at Edward. "Just call if you need anything."

It was a ridiculous thing to say, considering I didn't even have his phone number. Now, I realized that the animosity went both ways between the two men. They just didn't like each other and at the moment, they were using me as a pawn in their caveman game. It was almost laughable.

"Have a good night, Jake," I said, giving him a stiff wave.

He stomped past us and out the front door.

"You aren't really going to go to that fucking club, are you?"

The fact that his arm was still tight around my shoulders must have slipped his mind. I shrugged, making him aware of it and he quickly dropped his hand.

"I might," I lied, "someday."

His eyes twitched and his lips pressed together. "You won't go to that club without me, that's for sure."

Something flared inside me. While I should have been offended that this man was shouting orders at me with narrowed eyes, I wasn't; instead I was doing some sort of internal giggling that you only see at Justin Bieber concerts. I'd seen him shout orders at Rose on several occasions when he thought that her safety was at risk. So far, he was all bark and no bite.

Exhausted, I said goodnight to Edward and headed to my room to get ready for bed. Before dropping the blanket on the bed, I did something humiliating and smelled it. It smelled musty. Nothing like Edward, which was disappointing; I thought that perhaps the smell of him would possibly keep the nightmares away.

After I showered, I got dressed in my usual sweats and t-shirt and brushed my teeth. Just as I sat down on the mattress and prepared myself for another night of tossing and turning, a sharp knock came from my door. I stiffened and glanced at the clock. It was past eleven which meant that Rose was in bed, Jake wasn't home yet. I'd just seen Edward and he seemed to be in a rush to push me out his door so the second time a round of knocks echoed through my apartment, my stomach turned.

James wouldn't knock, I told myself. He'd just bust in and I'd be history.

"Who is it?" I called through the door.

"It's me," the voice said.

I sighed out of relief and opened the door. Edward's nose was beginning to swell and a bruise was sure to follow. I cringed when I saw it and he read my face.

He touched it with his fingertips. "Oh, it's fine. Nothing, really."

"I'm sorry again," I told him sincerely.

"Don't worry about it. I'm proud of you."

"Okay," I replied.

With a stiff hand, he tugged at his hair and it seemed to wave at me as it flopped back down on his head. He opened his mouth to talk but then snapped it closed and let his eyes wander to his shifting feet on the floor.

"Edward, just spit it out," I grumbled.

He looked up at me, looking almost afraid and said, "I was just thinking about what you asked and I think that…it wouldn't be…Christ!" The frustration in his voice allowed me to be patient with him. What he had to say was obviously difficult to get out. His posture snapped taut and he met my eyes with determination. "If you need sleep and I can help you with that, I'm inviting you over to my place."

A smile fought at my mouth but I tapered it into a neutral reaction. "You really don't have to, Edward. I'll be fine, honestly."

He pulled at his hair some more and wet his lips with the flick of his tongue. Little things about him were starting to get to me—burrow deep into my guts and create warmth and heaviness that I'd never felt before. His nervous habits tugged on everything that I was against and I couldn't let it happen.

For one, Edward wouldn't allow it and second, I'd been there before and it brought me nothing but pain.

With that said, I couldn't refuse an entire night of sleep in the dark.

"If you're sure…" I said.

He nodded stiffly and avoided my eyes. This wasn't easy for him, it was obvious but why? I knew Edward's nervous tics, his habits, hell, I even knew his work schedule but I felt like I really didn't know the real him. The base of his personality was everywhere: The kindness, generosity and bluntness. There was so much more to him than I saw. Jealousy swept through me as I thought of how much better Rose knew him than I did. It made me want to leap at him, shake him and demand some answers.

"Let me lock up, then."

I quickly grabbed my keys and the blanket he'd let me use and I followed him across the hall. Nerves made my hands shake and my stomach felt like it was crawling with snakes as we walked into his bedroom.

"Admit it," I told him, "this is really weird."

His mouth curved into a grin. "Anytime I have a girl in my bed, it's weird."

I tried to hide the shock that threatened to take over my face.

"You don't have to go to bed right now. I can lay here with the light on until you..." I trailed off, thinking about what I was doing and how insane the whole situation was. No wonder I'd made him panic. I was completely nuts.

"No, it's cool," he said. "We should get some sleep."

"Sleep sounds really, really good," I mumbled.

After we'd gotten comfortable in bed, Edward put a pillow between us and said, "Just in case."

"I trust you," I told him.

His eyes twinkled mischievously as he winked. "Maybe it's not for me."

He couldn't see my eyes narrow because he switched off the lamp by his bed. The dark was incredibly intimidating and for several minutes, I was afraid to blink. Shadows of a tree outside looked like a skeleton on the wall. The pipes under the floor in the hallway creaked. The old man above us moved around, thumping his cane on the thin wooden floor.

"You okay?" Edward asked. "I don't hear any breathing coming from over there."

I let out a whoosh of breath, realizing that he was right. "I just need a minute to adjust. Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask but I can't guarantee any answers."

"Fair enough. You said earlier that it was weird to have a girl in your room. So, you don't date?" I tried to keep my voice neutral, free of any jealousy but I could feel it in my voice as I spoke it. I hoped that it only existed in my head.

"I haven't been on a date in a really long time," he admitted.

"Why?"

"Well, first of all, I'm not much of a catch. An ex-con who takes out trash and sweeps floors for a living? Most women might think that I lack ambition," he said, then chuckled to himself.

"And second?"

He sighed. "Second, I don't want a relationship. It's too much trouble and I don't have the energy for it."

As much as I wanted to argue, I kept my mouth sealed. Why did I want to argue? It was because I felt like Edward was one hell of a man and that the entire species of females was missing out as he kept himself holed up in his apartment. So, why did the thought of Edward out, looking for women, make me want to gauge out my eyes with my fingernails?

I was attracted to Edward, I'd come to that realization weeks ago but that had been all there was. It was too soon after Oklahoma for me to be getting wiggles in my tummy every time I saw him smile or feel possessive over his dating life. It wasn't something that I wanted, not for a very long time.

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><p><em><strong>AN: This was one of my favorite chapters. I love the guilty power Bella feels after accidentally socking Edward in the nose. **_

_**_**I got a couple requests for EPOV. Since I'm writing so far ahead, I can only really fit in an EPOV in one spot-and have it make sense-which will be around chapter 19 or 20...something like that. I've only written EPOV once and that was for my AMS epi. Who's read it? *crickets chirping* Well, that was awkward. ;) **_**__**Anyway, if you'd like to read an EPOV, let me know and I'll work on one. If not, I'll just keep truckin' along like usual. **_

_**So, what was your favorite part? What did you think about Carlisle? You think YOU have questions! Gimme some loooooove, ya'll!**_


	15. Chapter 14  Breathe, just breathe

_**A/N: You guys are the most amazing readers. All I can say is that I'm incredibly lucky to be sharing my story with such fuckawesome people. Thank you. :)**_

_**This chapter might be a little boring... There's lots of chatter, a little kissing, Oh, and we hear why Edward went to prison. Boring stuff like that so if all that crap doesn't interest you, then you might as well skip this one. ;) Totally being sarcastic there.**_

_**Softragoo ~ Without you, I'd be pathetic. :)**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all thing Twilight**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Fourteen<strong>_

God, I was warm. Especially, my hand. My feet were pretty toasty, too and my bed was moving; up and down, slowly and hypnotically. I grinned in that half awake state of bliss you merge into upon waking when you've had a good, restful night's sleep.

Then I remembered the reason for that good night's sleep.

My eyes popped open and I forced myself to stay frozen in the position that I'd woke up in so I could take stock in the severity of the situation. Somehow, the pillow that had been laid between us was gone and I'd crawled halfway on top of Edward at some point in the night. His arm was smooched between us as if he'd tried to fight me off but had lost and his face was turned away from me, an act of denial. My left leg was wrapped tightly around one of his and my knee was pressing against the large bulge of his crotch. Worst of all, my left hand had ventured up his shirt and onto his chest where his heart beat.

I lifted my head and mouthed a curse. If he found me like this, he'd never let me into his bed again. I'd have to be stealthy—not a natural attribute of mine—in order to get out of this situation unscathed.

After I studied his breathing to make sure that he was still sleeping, I unwound my leg from his. My knee grazed the large bulge and I swear to fucking God, it twitched. An instinctual moan built up in my chest and my belly tightened. My traitorous body and its unrelenting attraction to Edward were going to get me into heaps of trouble.

His breathing pattern remained deep and steady so I decided the next danger was my hand that was stuffed up his shirt. I moved my fingers and found the scattering of chest hair that was hidden beneath the cotton. The hardness of his pectoral muscles were velvet against my palm and I grazed my thumb over one of his pointy nipples.

Holy cow, I was in so much trouble. I couldn't seem to remove my hand but it wasn't because the physical feat was too hard to pull off without waking him up. It was the feel of his heart beating against my palm, the feel of his chest hair gliding between my fingers, and the muscles of his torso rising and falling with each breath—that was what kept me from removing my hand.

Unfamiliar feelings rushed through me as I blindly and slowly explored his upper body. I never knew this sort of temptation existed. My romance novels always built up all these feelings in the characters that sent them reeling and writhing with just a touch. It was something that only existed in books, I'd always told myself. But now…now, I knew without a doubt that those feelings weren't fiction. It was possible.

I wondered briefly what it would feel like for Edward to reciprocate. The thought of his hand on my belly, up my ribcage and over my breasts made my breath hitch. A sudden urge to wrap my body around him and mold into him took over but I kept it in check, barely. There was no fear, just anticipation...

While I let my thumb graze over his hardened nipple one more time, I devised a plan. I'd concentrate on the things I saw everyday to calm myself down: The scar on his forehead that my fingertips twitched to touch, the uneven scruff of his beard, and that messy head of hair that screamed "pull me!" It wasn't working; I simply wanted to touch more of him…all of him.

The freckle on his ear, the tattoo on his shoulder that was black against his pale skin, hell, even the wideness of his feet seemed to make the tightness in my stomach increase. I had no hope.

Because I'd given up hope of ever getting out of this with any humility, I continued my slow decent of Edward's torso. My hand slid down his ribcage and on his tummy where a trail of hair led into his sweatpants. His breathing pattern hadn't changed; a deep sleeper, apparently. I let my fingertips dance in the soft hair of his belly and my mind—that had never been dirty before—imagined what the bulge in his sweatpants would feel like against my palm.

"You know, it's only fair that I get to do some of my own exploring." Edward's voice may as well have been a gunshot.

I yanked my hand off of him and rolled onto my back, my face burning with humiliation. With a groan, I put my hands over my face and muffled out an apology.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I have…I don't know what came over me," I cried. "That was unforgivable."

The bed shifted and I sensed his eyes on me. What he must have thought. He invited me into his bed to help me sleep and I ended up molesting him. I was more fucked up than I realized. If I wasn't so terrified of being found, I would have admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital.

"Bella, it's okay." There was a smile in his voice but it didn't ease my embarrassment. "It was the best wake up call I've gotten in…well, ever."

"I think I'm going to vomit," I told him.

He laughed. "Take your hands down and look at me." I shook my head frantically. "Come on, I'll pretend that I was asleep and didn't realize you were feeling me up."

"Oh God," I groaned. "I'm a pervert!"

He laughed harder this time. "You're not a pervert. Come on, take your hands down."

"No, they're staying here, forever."

The bed shifted again and I could feel him looming over me. His breath washed over my hands and his fingers slid through my hair.

"Okay, then if you're going to make yourself suffer then we should talk about it. What was your favorite part?"

I lifted my foot and blindly kicked at him. My heel connected with his shin.

"That was just mean," he groaned. "I was just trying to ask you a question."

"I guess I deserve it," I offered. "Go ahead. Have your fun. How long were you awake, anyway? Or do I want to know?"

"I'm a light sleeper."

A groan of despair slipped from between my palms and he chuckled.

"You were awake the entire time?"

"Well, when a pretty girl rubs a leg against a man's nether regions, it tends to perk him up a bit," he teased then added, "Pun intended, of course."

"Oh God," I groaned

"Seriously, I'm just trying to make you feel better. Look at me for a second."

I peeked at him through my fingers. "How do you not hate me right now?"

With one hand, he took hold of both of my wrists and gently pushed them away from my face. Closing my eyes would have felt safe but I owed him eye contact for being such a creep. The expression on his face was calm and reassuring and it made me hate myself so much more for taking advantage of him.

"You know why I don't hate you? Because, the blush that is turning your cheeks pink is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he said earnestly.

A chill ran up my backbone and onto my scalp. I wanted…I wanted…what did I want? Something, that was for sure. A tremendous ache filled me from head to toe; it throbbed in my lower belly. His green eyes were filled with sincerity and devotion.

"You're just trying to make me feel better," I whispered.

He leaned down, letting go of my wrists and ran his fingertip over one cheek, then the other and then down the bridge of my nose. It was an intimate gesture that couldn't be mistaken for sympathy. Then his palm cupped my cheek and his lips met mine with a gentle kiss.

I refused to think. I just let my body take over my mind, allowing it to guide my movements with the incredible, aching feeling that pulsed in my belly. One hand wound around his neck and I pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. He groaned when his tongue entered my mouth, and I nearly cried. It felt so good, too good to be right. Something was wrong. It had to be. This feeling, this incredible, glorious feeling was too simple and plain to be right. My insanity had taken hold of me and was driving me over the edge—that had to be the truth of it.

His leg overlapped mine as his tongue moved along the contours of my mouth, skimming my teeth and cheeks. The hard bulge between his hips pressed into my thigh; internally, I flinched as memories invaded my mind. But I held my ground and ignored everything that was happening below my neck. My tongue chased his as if it couldn't get enough, obsessed with the soft, velvet feel of it. No matter how much practice either of us had at kissing, the feeling of it was purely delicious.

All too soon, he broke the kiss and nuzzled his face into the pillow next to my head. Our chests heaved with breath and our bodies squirmed with unsatisfied lust.

"I'm sorry," he whispered huskily. "I shouldn't have…I wasn't planning on…"

Pain etched its way into my chest. An apology wasn't what I wanted to hear. It made me feel hollow and sad.

"It's okay," I whispered, my voice breaking and revealing my lie.

He looked up at me, a pained expression playing at his face. "Bella, if I could…if I was in a position to be with someone, I'd be with you. From the first day I saw you, I wanted you. You are the most beautiful creature that I've ever laid eyes on."

I barked out a laugh and rolled my eyes. "That's ridiculous and it doesn't make me feel better about the whole 'It's not you, it's me' speech. I'm not angry and I understand that you don't see me like that. I don't expect—"

"That's where you're wrong," he interrupted. "Don't make me go spouting off all the things that make me want to kiss you senseless because it's not my style."

"What is your style?"

He chewed on my words for a few beats before answering, "Honestly, I have no fucking idea. I've never…I don't find myself in this situation very often so I have no clue what to say or how to act."

My eyebrows shot up. "What did you do last time?"

The tip of his tongue shot out and he wet his lips. "There's never been a last time."

The bed shifted when he rolled away from me and my excitement tingled. He'd been so close to revealing something about himself that he grew uncomfortable. There was so much I wanted, no, needed to know about him and it was like using plastic pliers on a rusty nail trying to get it out of him. It only made me want to know more.

"You're going to be late for work," he grumbled. "It's almost nine."

"I'm working late tonight. Esme has a thing that she has to go to so—"

"What? How late do you work?"

"I close the store at nine," I replied.

He stood up and faced me, his eyes glaring daggers into mine. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me? How are you getting home?"

"I suppose that I'll walk."

His head shook and he ran a hand through his hair. "You're not walking home in the dark."

"I can take the bus, then."

"The bus can be just as dangerous as the street, especially on a Saturday night." He paced a little and rubbed his palms over his face. "Rose has to work and I'm supposed to watch Em and Sam at seven. Would you be okay if someone I knew picked you up and brought you home? I wouldn't just send anyone. It would be someone that I trust."

"I'm not your problem, Edward. You don't have to make sure that I have rides to and from work," I assured him as I got out of bed. "I'll be fine."

"You will not walk home in the dark," he growled. "I'll find a way to be there so just expect me at nine when you get off."

I sighed. "Alright but it's not really necessary."

He narrowed his eyes. "Don't be difficult."

As I walked out his door, with his eyes on my back, I was overwhelmed with the events of the morning. I'd felt up my neighbor, proceeded to make out with my neighbor and best of all, he called me beautiful.

The smile on my face was exuberant.

At work that day, my good mood continued to be obvious. As I worked, I kept catching a small smile playing at my lips without even thinking about what was putting it there.

"You're awfully peppy today," Esme noted. "Did you get some sleep last night?"

"Yeah, I did, actually," I told her. "Can I ask you something?"

She smiled and leaned into the door frame of the back office. "Of course you can. Ask away."

I tightened at my ponytail and wet my lips before proceeding. "There's this situation and…and I don't know if it's okay or not." She furrowed her brows and her expression grew serious. "No, no it's nothing like that. It's kind of silly, actually."

"I could use a little silly right now. That dinner we're going to with our friends tonight is going to wear me out. So, shoot me some silly."

"Well," I started, "do you think it's insane for me to have feelings for someone?"

Her face lit up. "Why would you think it's insane?"

I shrugged a shoulder. "A month ago, hell, a week ago, I swore off all possibilities that I'd ever even consider being involved with someone. After going through all that with James, I couldn't take the chance with someone. It wasn't worth it to me. But now…now, it's almost like a switch went off inside me; I feel like being with someone might be not only possible but…nice."

"You're worried that it's too soon?"

"Yeah, exactly," I answered. "I shouldn't be thinking about this, you know? I should be recovering and thinking about getting my life back. My dad is in Forks, wondering where the hell I am and here I am, in Chicago, falling in love. It's preposterous, really, now that I think about it. I should be—"

She didn't let me finish. "Happy. You should be happy, Bella."

"How can I be? I feel so mixed up. Hell, I don't even know if Edward wants to be with me."

"Does he know how you feel about him?"

I snorted. "If he doesn't, then he's got his own screws loose."

"Sounds like you two need to have a chat," Esme advised then grew serious. "You've been through something horrific, Bella, and you won't forget it for a very long time. It takes a strong person to find themselves again and even if you don't, that's okay too."

"Edward has been amazing. In fact, if it weren't for him, I would have fallen apart weeks ago. Just being with him is comforting, you know?" She nodded. "But, I don't want to ruin what we have by doing something stupid."

Esme watched her feet as they shuffled on the carpet. "The day I met Carlisle for the first time, I was getting over something pretty traumatic myself." I raised my eyebrows. "Before Carlisle, there was Demitri. He was a boy from a good family and had aspirations to be a doctor. We dated for a year while I was in college and to make a long story short, I got pregnant. I was excited because I loved him and I thought he loved me. When I told him, he accused me of wanting to rope him into a marriage because I wanted his name."

When she hesitated, I asked, "What did you do?"

She let out a soft laugh. "I smacked him across the face and told him to go to hell. He either didn't believe me or didn't care because I never saw him again."

"The baby?"

"I had a miscarriage in my third month. The emotional pain was tremendous. I swore to myself that I'd never even look at another man because they couldn't be trusted. He told me that he loved me but he left,"—she snapped her fingers—"just like that."

"Then you met Carlisle."

Her smile was warm as her memory slid back in time to the first time she saw her husband. "It was a week after my miscarriage and I was still feeling pretty rotten. I'd never seen him before but he'd seen me and he knew just by looking at me that I wasn't feeling well. He took care of me, even back then. I was incredibly lucky that he saw what he saw in me or I'd be…well, I don't know where exactly I'd be.

"When the right man comes around, it's not always at the most opportune moment. The important thing is that you recognize the feelings and don't let them slip away because the timing is off. Fate is a funny thing."

"Fate definitely has a wicked sense of humor, that's for sure."

At a quarter after nine, after closing up _Blossom's_, I stomped up the concrete steps in hopes that Edward was true to his word. The dark was so easy to dismiss when it wasn't right there laughing at me and now, that's what it was doing. Shadows danced across the pavement and I was surrounded by desolate sidewalks. My stomach clenched in fear. A tree branch snapped a few yards away and I almost screamed. The new muscles in my biceps and my recently learned knowledge of self-defense seemed pretty lame as I stood, cowering and shaking, at the top of the steps.

James would love to see me in this situation. He'd hide in the trees, gun hugged into the holster on his side, and he'd wait for me to run. Then, just when I thought that I outsmarted him, a gun barrel would appear right in my face. Or, sometimes I'd just feel the cold, metal pressing against my temple or back. No matter where I ran or how fast I went, he'd be there—ready to kill, if the mood struck.

I started walking. I wasn't going to let the fear strike me down. If fate decided that Oklahoma was where I was meant to be, then he'd find me. If I was meant to be pulled into a dark alley and mugged…or worse, then that's what would happen. I wasn't necessarily happy with fate at the moment because I was currently in a pickle. A pickle that was made from the very cucumber that I'd picked happily from the vine. It was my own doing; I could have called Edward or even Esme. She would have happily left that dinner to come get me if I was too scared to walk home. No, I couldn't blame fate on this one.

"Hey!" The voice made me yelp and I clutched my purse to my side. "I told you to f…freaking wait!"

I turned to see Edward sticking his head out the window of his car. Emily bounced in the backseat beside a yawning Sam. I nearly fell to my knees and said a prayer of thanks.

"I didn't know if you were for sure coming," I said stupidly.

He got out and opened the passenger door for me. "When I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it."

"You weren't there when I got out," I explained. "I thought you forgot."

He leaned in, his breath flowing deliciously into my ear. "I'll never forget." Then he leaned back and added, "Sam, the man, decided to take a gigantic poop right before we left to come get you. You've been through too much to be trapped in a car that smells like Sammy poop. I had to change him."

"You're so kind," I told him as I climbed in.

When we got back to the apartment, Emily coaxed me into her room. I watched her recite her part in the school play which was very convincing. She played a fantastic wicked witch and I was sure that her mom was due some gratitude for her natural dramatics. Who knew, though; it was possible that Emmett was just as theatrical.

After she was done, she changed into pajamas and climbed into bed. She told me about school and her classes and the different books she was reading. I told her that she needs to get her mom to come to the bookstore so that she could pick out her own books instead of suffering through the books that the school provided.

"Would I get to see Esme again?" she asked.

"Probably," I replied. "You like her, don't you?"

She nodded. "I like Carlisle too. I bet he'd be a really good Dad."

"You have a really good dad, too," I told her.

"I guess," she sighed. "Mom told me that he's coming home next month, a couple weeks before Halloween."

"Are you nervous about meeting your dad?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said with a small shrug. "He writes me letters all the time and stuff. He seems okay."

"You know that you don't automatically have to love him, right?" She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and chewed on it with her teeth. "He's going to love you because he's your dad but it's going to take some time to get to know him before you're going to feel comfortable around him."

"What if he expects me to…hug him and kiss him and stuff?" She cringed. "That would be weird."

"If you're uncomfortable, just tell him. He'll understand."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Then you've got some serious people who love you on your side who will help him understand," I told with a smile. "Got it?"

She giggled and nodded. "Do you love me, Bella?"

My chest swelled at her question. "I love you tons, Em."

"I love you, too," She looked over my shoulder. "What about you, Uncle Edward? You love me?"

I looked over my shoulder and found Edward leaning against the door frame with his hands stuffed into his pockets. By the looks of his posture, he'd been there a while, eavesdropping on my conversation with Emily.

"Do I have to?" he playfully whined.

She picked up small book from her nightstand and tossed it at him. He caught it and narrowed his eyes at her. "That had better have been an accident because I don't tolerate little girls throwing books at me."

Emily sat up in bed and scooted toward the wall with a mischievous glint in her eye. The scene was familiar; just like the one I'd witnessed months ago in Rose's living room after Emily had accidentally hit Edward. That time, I'd freaked out and ran from them, crying and shaking the whole way back to my apartment. This time, I watched and smiled as he approached her bed and crawled toward her. His shoulders rolled like a lion and he growled as she squeaked and begged me to save her.

"You're on your own, Emily," I said, laughing. "You shouldn't throw books at your sensei."

As soon as Edward reached her, he went in for the kill and she squealed as his fingers jabbed and poked at her rib cage. He made her say "mercy" three times and an "I'm very sorry" before relenting.

"Time to go to sleep," he murmured. She whined. "You were supposed to be in bed two hours ago, so don't even try it."

"I'm thirsty," she complained.

"I'll get you something," he told her. "Lie down. Lights out."

While he filled up a cup of water and took it into her, I sat on the couch and rejoiced at the sight of the TV remote sitting on the coffee table. I grabbed it up and started flipping, my eyes wide with insane delight. Nothing says "good time" like free range with the remote. I settled on a cheesy Lifetime movie.

"You hungry," Edward asked from the doorway of the kitchen. "We ordered pizza; no pineapple."

"I'm starving," I told him and started to get up.

"I'll get it," he told me, "sit tight."

He brought the pizza, box and all, into the living room and plopped it down on the coffee table, followed by a can of soda. I happily dug in as we watched Tori Spelling get stalked by some crazy psycho who she also happened to be married to.

"At least I didn't get married," I muttered.

Edward choked on his drink. "Maybe, we should watch something else."

I shrugged and started flipping again, landing on an old episode of The Newlywed Game. Happy, I took a big bite of my pizza as Bob Eubanks asked the newly married women what their husbands' favorite condiment was.

"You must be hungry," Edward commented as I went for a second piece.

"I was," I told him around a mouthful, "thank you."

"No problem," he said with a small grin. "I'm sorry I was late tonight. Please, don't walk home at night like that. Promise me that you'll call me before you decide that I'm not coming."

"I'm sorry," I told him.

"And?"

"I promise."

He nodded and leaned back into the couch.

"Emily said that Emmett is coming home next month," I remarked. "Is that right?"

"Yeah, I think so," he replied. "I think Rose said around the fifteenth or something."

"Huh," I said, "Emmett is a good guy, right?"

He raised his eyebrows at me. "As far as I know; I've never seen him outside of Pekin."

"He might be an asshole?" I asked, putting down my half eaten piece of pepperoni with extra mushrooms.

"I hope not but ten years in jail tends to harden a guy." His tone was matter-of-fact. I proceeded to chew on my fingernails. "Look, Bella, Rose is a strong woman and she's not going to put up with any shit, regardless of where Emmett has been the past ten years."

"What about the kids?"

"I think we're all in agreement that none of us will let anything happen to the kids," he said.

I nodded and picked up my pizza again. "Was he violent in prison?"

Edward sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Prison is a cruel place and Emmett stuck out like a sore thumb. In fact, he could have been paroled four years ago but he got into too many fights."

"That doesn't make me feel better," I told him.

"What if I told you that I was in solitary confinement at least once a month for fighting," he said with a raised eyebrow.

"You were?" He nodded. "Well, I guess it would make me feel a little bit better about Emmett."

"Don't be scared of him," he said, "because if you are, Emmett can smell it."

"You know how you just made me feel a teensy bit better? Well, you just ruined it."

He laughed. "Don't worry about it. We'll all be fine."

"If you say so," I said, picking up the half-eaten piece of pizza. "Are we on for our morning run tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure," he said with a strange tone to his voice. "We're going to take a detour tomorrow."

"A detour? Where to?"

"We're going to run by the lake so dress warm."

**XxXxXx**

A run on the banks of Lake Michigan sounded refreshing but it turned out to be the opposite. The wind coming off the water lowered the temperature by at least twenty degrees. My teeth chattered and my muscles ached with tightness as we jogged the sidewalk along the boardwalk. I wished we had taken this detour our first week out since it had been rather hot outside but now that fall was fast approaching, it wasn't a pleasant experience.

"I told you to bundle up," he teased as I pulled my hood up over my head.

"I'm wearing two t-shirts and a hoodie; what more could I put on?" I asked.

"Come on," he said motioning me with his hand, "let's take a break."

We walked over and sat down on a bench. The wind whipped loose strands of my hair around my face and I hunkered down into myself.

"Is there a reason that you are trying to freeze me to death? Some sort of lesson?"

He cut his eyes to me and grinned. "No, I kind of wanted to talk to you about something."

I swallowed and waited for him to begin.

"I like you, Bella. I like you a lot and…" he paused, watching the waves crash into the shore. "There can't be anything between us."

Pain etched its way into my chest and I pulled myself into a tighter ball on the bench.

"Okay," I murmured.

"No, it's not okay. You need to understand that…" he turned to me and looked me in the eye. It was difficult to remain looking at him but I managed. "I need you to know exactly why I can't do this with you."

"I'm all ears," I informed him.

He looked back out at the water, as if that would help words form in his brain. I waited patiently because I needed to hear this on his terms, no matter how cold I was.

"When I was eighteen, I had everything: Great parents, a scholarship to college, and my sister, Alice. My grades were good and I was excited about leaving for school. I finally felt like I was starting my life, ya know?" I nodded in understanding. "Well, after graduation, I went to a few parties. I wasn't a big drinker and I couldn't handle my alcohol for shit but I figured that if there ever was a thing to celebrate, it was getting out of high school." He ran a knuckle across the stubble of his jaw. "Alice showed up at one of them with her boyfriend, Jasper. I was pissed. Jasper had graduated with me but he should have known better than to bring her with him. She was a sophomore so she was only sixteen.

"Jasper and me, we got into a fight in the front yard. He was bigger than me but I was less intoxicated so I had him flat on his back after a few knuckles to the face. Neither of us knew how to fight so I'm sure it must have been comical to watch. We probably looked like a couple of pansies out there, dancing around and falling all over each other."

He laughed and I followed suit because I wanted him to feel comfortable. Nothing about this was funny, though. My body was stiff with trepidation because he was finally telling me his story. I was afraid—not that I'd find out he did something terrible but that I would do something or say something to threaten the trust that he had in me.

"Anyway, I grabbed Alice and took her to my car as she kicked and screamed at me to let her stay. She wanted to go to Jasper and make sure he was okay. I should have…" He rubbed his palms over his face and puffed out his cheeks with air. "I pushed her into the car and strapped her in. She spit in my face but I shut the door and got into the driver's seat. I'd never seen her so upset but I was right there with her. She had no business being at that party and I was just trying to protect her." His voice broke and I ached to touch him, to hug him and tell him that no matter what he told me, it didn't matter. "I don't know if it was the alcohol or my temper but I went left of center and hit a pick up truck. Alice…"

I waited and when he didn't reply, I grabbed his hand and squeezed. He pulled away gently and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Alice died a few hours later at the hospital. My parents blamed me. They hated me for it and I couldn't fault them for it. I haven't seen them since my sentencing." I started to shake my head and call his parents wicked, wicked names but I stopped myself. That wasn't what he needed from me. "I was charged with Vehicular Manslaughter and driving under the influence. For shits and giggles, they threw in an assault charge because of my fight with Jasper. I got three years plus two of community service, and I had to attend AA meetings for two years post-release."

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said as a tear ran down my cheek.

He glanced at me, his eyes following the tear and he shrugged, "You shouldn't be."

I shook my head. "It wasn't your fault."

A humorless laugh exploded from him. "How is it not my fault? I killed my little sister. My own parents blame me so how could it not be my fault? Three years in prison wasn't enough."

"You're punishing yourself," I pointed out. "Is that why you don't want me?"

In a blink, he turned to me and cupped my face with his warm palms. "It isn't a question of whether I want you, Bella. Trust me when I say that I've never wanted anyone more than I want you. You deserve better than me. I am not someone that can make you happy and you deserve…" His thumb swiped a tear from my cheek and I watched him swallow as he looked at me. "You deserve everything."

He released my face and turned back toward the water. "I hope you understand now, why I can't…why we can't do this."

Looking at him, I snapped. Edward had always been my strength. He used several methods to kick start me into feeling better about myself whether it was words or actions. I was a better person because of him and here he was, sitting by Lake Michigan, wading in a sea of grief and self-blame. I wouldn't let him do this.

"No, I don't understand," I ground out. "It's bullshit."

He snapped his face in my direction. "Watch it, Bella. I didn't tell you this for the sake of an argument."

I narrowed my eyes. "Then why did you tell me this? So you could let me down easy? It's fucked up, that's what it is."

He stood up. "I'm leaving."

"Fine," I spat, "I'm going with you and you're going to have to listen to what I have to say."

He started running. Hard. And I followed.

"You can't punish yourself like this forever." He ran faster. "You made a stupid mistake that cost you dearly and your parents were assholes about it."

"They did what any parents would do," he said through his teeth.

"No, they didn't. Most parents would have realized that you were their child too and stood behind you. They had a right to grieve and have some anger but they shut you out of their lives. That's an asshole parent." He picked up his pace and I was having a hard time keeping up with him but I was running on adrenaline and sheer determination. "Don't you think that you've put yourself through enough? Don't you think that you've earned the right to live your life? Alice sounded like an amazing person." He cut his eyes to me in warning. "She would have wanted you to live your life for her, don't you think?"

"I think Alice would have wanted to live her own life but I took that away from her," he said through heavy breaths.

"It was an accident," I heaved.

He was quiet, his pace still going strong and killing me. I was wearing out fast so I had to reach for something that would get to him.

"In your way of thinking, I guess I deserved what happened to me, then."

His pace slowed down as he ran silently beside me.

"I did a really fucked up thing and got engaged to someone I didn't love. It's my fault that I had the shit beat out of me every day for doing something as simple as spilling wine on the sofa or not getting the bathroom clean enough."

"Bella, that's not what—"

"No! We're going by Edward's thought process here," I screamed. A few people along the beach stared at us and I held back on the urge to give them the finger. "Since I made a big mistake and moved to Oklahoma, then it was my fault that James took a knife to my back and carved into it like I was some cow to be branded. It was my fault that he used to choke me to death as he…as he raped me."

I was done. I stomped to a stop and put my hands on my knees. My breath came in ragged jolts and for a moment, I thought that I was sure to pass out. Edward grabbed my arm, trying to help hold me up but I jerked out of his grasp.

"Don't touch me," I hissed. "I'm ruined and dirty and…"

I went down on my knees, my palms smashing into the pavement.

"Jesus!" Edward helped me up and pulled me to a nearby bench. "Are you okay? What do you need, Bella?"

I looked at him. The worry so clear in his eyes was proof that he cared for me. We'd both lost too much for us to lose this thing we had between us. It was too powerful and good to let go.

"I need you," I sobbed, fisting my hands in his sweatshirt. "When I escaped from Oklahoma, I promised myself that I'd never, ever get involved with someone again. I promised myself that no man was worth it, no matter how brilliant he seemed. I refused to fall into that again and become something or someone that I loathed. Then, I met you and I got to know you and you know what I realized?"

He swallowed and shook his head.

"I realized that _you_ are worth it."

With a quick, strong movement he grabbed me and pulled me into his chest. His hands rubbed circles on my back and he whispered over and over again that he was sorry. I didn't have the strength to ask what he was sorry for and a part of me didn't want to know the answer. Only one thought was clear to me as he held me on that bench by Lake Michigan: I was in love with Edward Masen.

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><p><strong>AN: So, any thoughts on the big talk? What do you think Edward is going to say? Bella had a HUGE revelation and it only took a little feeling up to make it clear for her. If only RL was that simple. **

**Let me know what you think! Each review like a fantastic hug. :) **


	16. Chapter 15  I gave you all

_**A/N: Yeah, so, in reference to my "I hope you weren't too bored with this chapter" in my A/N from chapter 14...I tried my hand at sarcasm and failed miserably. :) So, I took that bit off. Just FYI. :) Sorry, bout that. When are they going to invent a 'sarcasm font'? Anybody know? **_

_**I know I keep repeating myself here but thanks for reading!**_

_**If I could get one of those shrink ray thing-a-ma-jigs, I'd use it on my pre-reader, Softragoo. I'd keep her in my pocket like a lucky rabbit's foot. That's how freaking awesome she is.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter fifteen<strong>_

Edward had asked for time to sort through his thoughts, so I gave it to him. I never imagined that it would be two weeks that he'd disappear. I was starting to not only worry but I was feeling guilty, along with irritated. I'd never meant to run him off, away from his home and away from Rose. I was quickly becoming a basket case, regretting every word I'd said to him on our run that day.

It wasn't all about me.

The things that he had told me about his sister and his family were heartbreaking. It left me feeling hollow inside, knowing what he'd been through and still feeling the desire to care for other people. His parents had turned their backs on him and he wasn't bitter. Everything he did revolved around taking care of people he loved. I couldn't remember a time that he did something for himself. It was his own way of redeeming himself in the eyes of…I wasn't sure who he was doing it for. Maybe, he thought that Alice was watching him and he wanted to make her proud. Or maybe, he had the hope of one day seeing his parents again and he wanted to see happiness on their faces, not disgust.

All I knew was that I wanted him back whether he spoke to me or not. The empty apartment across the hall was sad and quiet. My nerves were on edge, just knowing that he wasn't there…just a phone call away if I needed him.

I began day dreaming as I lay in bed at night, trying to sleep under the dim bulb of my bedroom light. In these dreams, I imagined that I'd never met James but Edward instead. I didn't wish away his problems because they made him the man that he was but instead, I helped him through them. I wasn't some poor girl who depended on him but the strong Bella—Charlie Swan's girl. My dad would love him, even with his checkered past and stint in prison because he'd understand that people make mistakes.

In one particular fantasy, we'd be having dinner at my dad's house. The three of us wrapped around my kitchen table, enjoying spaghetti…no, it would be some new casserole that tasted horrible. Everyone would try to suffer through it until my dad made some joke about how it would taste better burnt. We'd laugh. Edward would laugh. Then, we'd order pizza and we'd eat in the living room around the television while my dad watched whatever sporting event was in season.

My dad would fall asleep in his recliner and I'd curl myself around Edward. He'd smile at me and his eyes would be full of hard-earned peace. With his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders, he'd kiss me and tell me that I was beautiful to him.

The fantasy wasn't complete unless I shook myself out of it with a shattered heart.

I finally decided to stop thinking about where he was or how he was coping. My focus became rooted on getting home. Since Edward was AWOL, I didn't have a running buddy or anyone to punch. I was at a very costly standstill. My rent was only paid for six months which took me through November and I couldn't afford another six grand to cover the next six months. What I needed was a plan. I needed to get out of there.

My brain was sorting through different scenarios when I knocked on Rose's door. She had invited me over for dinner and I'd been happy to get out of my boring apartment. Laundry was done and I'd cleaned my entire place from top to bottom. I was on my last romance book and I'd already read long past the good part. The kids had played a big part in keeping me from boredom since I'd volunteered to watch them while Rose worked. On those nights, I'd made a bed out of their sofa and slept through Rose coming home at four in the morning. She was grateful, but I couldn't help but feel I was responsible for running off her normal sitter.

I knocked on the door and heard Rose invite me in by means of a shout. It was unusual for her to keep her door unlocked. As I walked in, the colorful party decorations didn't faze me. Queen playing in the background didn't even make me blink. I didn't realize what was happening until I got to the kitchen.

"Surprise!"

Everyone I knew from Chicago was standing in her kitchen, watching me expectantly as I blinked at them with my mouth drawn open. With one exception. There was no sign of Edward.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" Emily's party hat was lopsided on her head in an effort to make the colorful triangle of paper look cool. She wasn't succeeding. All of them looked goofy.

Esme and Carlisle grinned from ear to ear, each of them holding a balloon with birthday wishes on it. Their party hats had little glossy streamers coming from the tops. Sam had some sort of crown on, Rose's triangle paper hat was hot pink, and Jake was sporting a purple one with flowers on it. All of them looked insanely idiotic…and it was all for me.

I grinned big at the sight of them. How could I love these people so much in such a short period of time? It didn't seem conceivable. Each one of them played a certain part; a different piece of the puzzle to the recapture of my soul. Jake, with the music that he shares with me; Esme, providing the motherly advice that I didn't know I needed; Rose, my support system; Carlisle, and his generosity and compassion; Emily, with her fragile innocence; Sam, with his chubby perfect grin.

_Where would I be without them?_

"Thanks guys! This is…this is amazing!"

We ate pizza with half of us spread out in the living room and the other half at the kitchen table. The apartment was filled with different chatter. Carlisle showed off his new prosthetic leg to Jake who looked utterly impressed. Rose and Esme shared recipes for cheap casserole dishes. Emily was showing off to no one in particular with some very complex dance moves to Shania belting out that she felt like a woman.

"Time for presents," Rose sang.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her close to me. "Thank you, Rose. I don't know what to say, seriously. How did you even know it was my birthday?"

A mischievous smile flashed over her lips. "I peeked at your driver's license a few weeks ago. I was hoping you wouldn't be mad."

My eyes widened and I smiled. "Mad? How could I be mad? Actually, I'd forgotten that today was my birthday."

"How could you forget your own birthday?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I just did."

"Well, I'm glad that I could help you remember it."

A pile of presents was set in front of me. Apparently, I wasn't fast enough—Emily grabbed one up and put it on my lap. It was from Esme and Carlisle and it was heavy.

With the excitement of a five year old, I tore it open and revealed an espresso maker. My stomach fluttered with excitement as I looked at the box, admiring all the special features.

"Now, you don't have to stop on your way to work." Esme's smile was warm and genuine.

"Thank you." I hugged the boxed appliance to my chest and blew it a kiss. Everyone laughed. Typically I hated being the center of attention. Everyone's eyes focused in my direction made me nervous and clumsy. But these people didn't. If I dropped something, they'd offer to pick it up for me. If I said something stupid, they'd say something even stupider back.

My next gift was from Jake. He'd gotten me a scattering of CDs and a small CD player to play them on. It seemed intimate for some reason and I thanked him with a kiss on the cheek.

"I made sure that I got you a small enough one so that the noise wouldn't carry. Nothing more annoying than a neighbor with bad music taste." His eyes twinkled and his teeth flashed white.

"Tell me about it," Rose muttered.

He turned to her. "Hey, I've got great taste in music."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay. Sure, you do."

"Name one song I've played that doesn't stack up to—oh, it's probably that crap that Bella made me play." He turned his attention back to me. "I don't care what you and Leah say, that is not good dancing music."

I let my mouth fall open. "What? I could dance all night to Queen!"

"He's got you there, Bella." Rose, the traitor. "You can't cabbage patch to _We Are the Champions_."

"I wouldn't want to 'cabbage patch' to _We are the Champions_," I retorted. "That song is way to cool for the cabbage patch."

"So, do tell us, Bella," Jake said, grinning. "Tell me what kind of dance goes with Queen."

I pressed my lips together into a frown. "Queen is more for emotional belting; like when you just need to sing at the top of your lungs."

"Ha! So, you admit it: you can't dance to Queen!"

"Mommy, Gwen says that her Uncle Melvin is a queen," Emily announced.

Crickets chirped. All the grownups blinked at each other.

"Okay, then," Rose chimed in, "open the next one, Bella."

The next one was an envelope from Rose. She'd gotten me a hundred dollar gift card to Target.

She winked at me when I thanked her and told her that it was way too much.

"Once Emmett is home, we're going to start going out on the weekend. You need to be physically prepared."

"Who's going to get me mentally prepared?" I grumbled.

She smirked. "That, you're going to have to learn on your own."

Emily got me a cute silver necklace with a heart pendant. Sam gave me one of his cherished stuffed teddy bears. What else could a girl ask for?

"Okay, time for cake!"

Rose flew to the kitchen and I followed after her. The cake had been baked by Rose and Emily and the frosting was blue. "Happy Birthday Bel" was written on it and I flashed a curious glance at Rose.

She shrugged. "We ran out of icing."

"It's awesome, Rose. Everything is just awesome."

"It was fun," she told me. "How many candles do we need?"

I quirked an eyebrow and replied, "You should know, you little license thief."

"Well, what was I supposed to do? If I asked you, you would have given me that 'oh, Rose, don't do anything for my birthday. I'm not a big birthday person and you know how I hate attention' spiel." Her voice went two octaves higher when she imitated my voice.

"I do not sound like that."

"How many?"

"Today, I turn twenty four."

As she counted out candles and proceeded to stick them in the cake, I wiped down her counters and tied up her trash bag.

"He's okay, you know," she said, breaking the silence.

"What?"

She glanced at me from over her shoulder. "Edward—he's okay. I know you're probably worried."

It was painful to know that she'd talked to him. Deep down, I knew that she knew where he was and what he was doing but it irked me to know that he couldn't fill me on that information. Two weeks, he'd been gone and I hadn't even gotten a phone call. A fucking note, for God's sake. I was done missing him. Anger boiled up inside me at the mention of his name. He didn't show up when Rose had asked everyone else that cared for me to be here.

"He wanted to be here," she said as if reading my thoughts. "He had—"

"Yeah, I know; it's Sunday. He's got obligations."

Rose licked her lips and put a hand on her hip. "He's trying, Bella. This isn't easy for him."

I narrowed my eyes. "Wait, weren't you the one who told me that if I gave him a piece of me, then he'd jump on it? Or were you talking out of your ass when you warned _me _not to hurt _him_."

Her face twisted a little. "You're really pissed about this. I didn't realize that you were so upset about him taking a couple weeks to pull his thoughts together. I'm sorry, Bella."

At that, I felt like shit.

"No," I sighed, "I'm sorry, Rose. I didn't mean to lash out, it's just…I threw my heart down on the ground in front of him and he's trying to make up his mind whether he wants to smoosh it out like a cigarette butt or pick it up and dust it off. A phone call would be nice." I pulled her into a hug. "I'm an ungrateful bitch for yelling at you like that. Forgive me?"

"Of course," she squeaked in my ear.

I pulled away and looked her in the eyes. "If you say anything to him about this whole conversation, I'm going to be the one bitch slapping you."

A couple days later, I was straining spaghetti and bumping my hips to one of the CD's that Jake had given me. Thankfully, it wasn't rap but _The Black Keys_ whom I'd grown to love as I listened endlessly to their music on my tiny boom box I'd gotten for my birthday. Just when I'd plated some noodles with sauce on top and set my plate on the table, someone knocked softly on my door. As usual, my entire body stiffened and my heart caught in my throat.

_He wouldn't knock…he'd just bust right in…he wouldn't knock…_

"Who is it?" I called out.

"It's Edward."

I gasped softly and hugged my waist, uncertain if I felt like talking to him. My dinner—which I was starving for—sat on the table, getting cold. Plus, I was still peeved that I hadn't heard from him since he left to think. It was possible that I was overreacting but I couldn't help the ache that swam through my chest when I thought about his no-show at my birthday party.

With shaky hands, I unlocked the door and opened it. To say he looked terrible would be an understatement. His eyes were so tired, they looked bruised. He had a full out beard and it was possible that he'd lost weight.

"I was just getting ready to eat. Hungry?"

He swallowed. "I could eat if I wouldn't be imposing."

I quirked an eyebrow and opened the door to let him through. "Since when do you worry about imposing, Coffee Nazi?"

His beard twitched. "You're still mad that I held out coffee on you before we went running. That was almost two months ago."

I shut the door behind him and locked it. "What can I say? I hold a grudge when it comes to coffee."

With unnecessary roughness, I plopped spaghetti onto a plate and poured sauce on it. It clattered on the table as I set it down. He watched every move I made with intense curiosity which I chose to ignore. I sat down and fumbled with my fork and he didn't budge.

"Well? Sit. Eat."

I forked some food into my mouth and chewed with purpose. He took of his jacket and folded it over the back of his chair before sitting down.

"It smells great." I grunted in response. "How are you?"

I stopped chewing and blinked at him.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked.

"I'm irritated," I said around a mouthful.

His eyebrows twitched and he ran his fingers along the thick beard on his jaw. I couldn't help but watch the movement, as meaningless as the gesture was, I couldn't help but find some sensuality in it. Before I could stop it, the urge to run my own fingers through the dark auburn growth became so overwhelming that I dropped my fork on my plate. The noise drowned out the music.

"Are you upset that I didn't call?"

I cleared my throat and lied to save face. "A little."

"I'm sorry but I knew that if I heard your voice, I'd come back before I was ready."

I licked my lips and his eyes followed the movement of my tongue.

"I was worried," I told him.

"Rose was supposed to let you know that I was okay. I'm sorry that you worried."

"Stop apologizing," I spat. "It's fine."

He chuckled humorlessly. "No, apparently, it's not fine. I don't know you as well as I'd like to know you but I can tell that you're more than just irritated."

"Can we just eat?"

He watched me for a moment before answering, "Sure."

We ate in silence, save for the clanking of silverware against my cheap, second-hand plates. The CD had even ended and I was too into my punishment by silence to break stride and pop in a different one. When we were finished, we cleaned our plates separately and he helped me wash the pots that I'd dirtied for dinner. Afterwards, he followed me to the couch and we sat on opposite sides. He stared at me while I stared at my hands which were wringing nervously in my lap.

"Just say it, Bella," he said softly. "Tell me what you want to say. We're not going to get anywhere if you don't."

I rubbed a palm over my face and blew out a sigh. "I put it all out there for you that day. I laid it at your feet and I feel like you stomped on it and walked away."

"I told you I needed some time and you said you were fine with it."

"When you said 'time', I thought you were talking a few days. Not weeks. I felt like…" I stopped because I was doing it again, putting my heart out there for him to stomp on again.

"You felt like what?"

"Nothing."

"No, it's not 'nothing'. What did you feel like?"

"Where have you been?" I needed some reciprocation; something that told me that he was feeling it just as much as I was. Until I got that, I was too vulnerable. If he didn't want me, I wanted him to just say it so we could just move forward.

"I stayed with a friend downtown," he said. "She helped me sort through some shit."

I refused to question who the "she" was in that statement. In fact, he'd already partially answered my silent question. He'd left to stay with another woman and that's all I really needed to know. I was sure that she helped him sort through his problems; probably using her naked body as guidance.

"So?" I asked.

He leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. "I don't know what I'm doing so you're going to have to help me out here. The last relationship I was in was when I was sixteen and I don't even think I liked the girl much." He chuckled at his own joke. "Anyway, you're the first person to come into my life that makes me want something."

"What is it that you want?"

He looked into my eyes and I found the vulnerability that I had been seeking. "I want you in my life every second of every day. I want to be able to eat dinner with you. I want to be able to watch stupid reruns of game shows with you. I want to wake up every morning with your hand up my shirt."

My throat was tight and the anger was being quickly replaced with something stronger. I'd heard similar words from James and I'd believed him. The promises of forever and the fantasies of being loved beyond my wildest dreams—it had all been lies that he'd told me to get me to Oklahoma. I fell for them—hook, line and sinker.

But this was Edward. Abrasive, brutally honest, amazingly kind Edward who had never failed to tell me exactly how it was. When Edward said something, he meant it and when he did something, he put everything he had into it.

"What about waking up and finding my hand down your pants?" I asked, fighting a grin. He choked on a swig of soda. "Because, if you hadn't woken up when you did that day…"  
>"I was going to add that in there but I thought it was too vulgar."<p>

I shrugged a little. "You're probably right." I scooted closer to him on the couch as slow as a caterpillar. He met me halfway and I caught a smile somewhere in the beard. "I was afraid that you were staying away for so long because you couldn't think of a way to let me down easy."

His expression grew pained. "When you said what you did, the question wasn't about whether I wanted to…" He ran his fingers along his bearded jaw and then into his hair, tugging with frustration. "I don't feel worthy, Bella."

"I know you don't but you should," I replied.

"I'm trying but it isn't going to be easy. This whole thing isn't going to be easy."

"Not for either of us," I offered. "Have you thought about that? You think that I'll be dealing with all of your issues but have you thought about what kind of shit I have going on in here?" I tapped my temple with my finger. "I'm a mess. It's not reasonable that I should be thinking about this kind of relationship but I can't stop myself. When I think about everything that I could experience with you, I…I don't know, I guess it makes me feel happy in a situation where it's hard to feel happy at all. When I'm with you, I feel strong and safe and hopeful—emotions that I never knew I could experience again."

With a tight face, he pulled me to him and crushed me against his chest. I gripped him and pulled him as close to me as I could get. He kissed my hair and rubbed my back with his palm. I shamelessly pulled his scent in through my nostrils and held it in my lungs like a drug.

"We need to take this slow, Bella. You deserve flowers and…and boxed chocolates and dates to fancy restaurants." I opened my mouth to talk but he kept going before I could get any words out. "And don't tell me that you don't want it or need it because that's tough shit. You're getting it whether you like it or not."

"So, in other words, you're going to force flowers upon me?"

He chewed on that for a few beats. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"I don't have any nice clothes to wear to fancy restaurants."

"Well, then, I'll have to take you shopping."

I raised my eyebrows. "Wow. I get flowers, chocolates, fancy restaurants and new clothes? I think you _have_ done this before."

"Done what before?"

"This whole girlfriend thing," I replied.

"I did once when I was sixteen but there's been no one since."

"No one? Not even a date?"

His tone turned serious. "No, there's been no one. I'm sorry I missed your birthday."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not." He wrestled with something in his pocket for a moment. "I got you something. It's not much but…"

He held his hand out, dangling a black leather bracelet from his fingers. The leather was woven together to meet a silver pendant.

"It's Celtic. I've got Irish in me. When I was in high school, we had to do an essay on our ancestors and I learned a lot about Irish symbols. That's a—"

"It's the trinity: Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

He smiled. "It has several meanings and most people see it however they want to see it."

"How do you see it?"

"The Celtic knot is everlasting—it's unbreakable. Just like I see you."

I fumbled with the bracelet in an effort to tie it on. Edward gently took it from me and helped me get it settled on my wrist. His fingers brushed against my skin as he tied the leather together and my entire body tingled.

"Thank you," I said. "You're completely forgiven for missing my birthday."

His eyebrows shot up. "Damn, you're easy."

I playfully slapped his arm with the back of my hand. "Watch it or you're going to have to buy me a matching necklace."

Since we'd decided to take things slow, Edward retired to his own apartment later that evening after a quick kiss to my cheek and a slow grin. After getting ready for bed, I lay for an hour in the soft glow of a lamp I'd found cheap. The light was less abrasive than the bedroom light on the ceiling so I'd hoped to get more sleep but it wasn't coming easy.

Things had happened so fast. I never imagined being with someone, another man, ever again in my life. Then again, I had never met anyone quite like Edward. There was something about him that I couldn't let go. Taking risks had gotten me into a horrible situation and here I was again, taking another risk. But Edward posed no threat, except to my heart and I closed my eyes and prayed that he wouldn't break it.

The next day, I got out of work and hopped on a bus en route to Target. The gift card in my purse that Rose had gotten me for my birthday was making me feel slightly giddy and the thought of spending it was exciting. I tried to be stingy but there were a few things that I needed that weren't conveniently placed on the discount rack: Sweaters for winter, a couple dresses, a good fitting pair of jeans and a few pairs of shoes. I'd spent the gift card plus another sixty but it was worth it to have clothes that had never been worn before. The small things that I'd taken for granted growing up were priceless to me now. Good coffee, new clothes, shoes that I got to break in myself—the feeling I got when I walked out of Target and down to the bus stop was pure happiness.

That was until I heard my name being called by an unfamiliar voice.

"Bella! Bella Swan!"

I thought about ignoring it. A deep seed of fear planted itself in my belly and spread outward until all my muscles stiffened with unease. I kept walking until the voice grew too loud and close that I had no choice but to turn my attention to it.

"Bella Swan!" It was a girl I'd went to high school with whose name I couldn't recall. "Holy shit! It's really you!"

Her blond hair blew in the cold breeze as she reached me.

"Hey," I said making an attempt at a grin. "How are you?"

"I'm fantastic! Mike and I just got married! We're on our honeymoon!" she squealed, happily putting her ring finger on display for me to see. I managed a pleased expression, complete with an audible surprised gasp.

_Mike…Mike…Mike and…Jessica! That's it!_

"That's great, Jessica! I'm happy for you guys." This wasn't good. At all. If she knew about anything, she'd be sure to be on the phone to Forks as soon as I left from view. Forks was a small town with lots of wagging tongues so the chance that my vanishing act was kept on the down low was pretty slim. I decided that I had to act confident and genuinely happy to see her if I was going to make her believe that there was nothing wrong. "So, you're on your honeymoon at Target?"

She threw her head back, barked out a laugh and then playfully slapped my arm. "No, Silly! Mike forgot to bring his dress belt so I came here to get one for him. We're going to see a play tonight at The Goodman Theatre. I'm so excited!" She squealed a little and hopped around to show her enthusiasm. "Have you been yet?"

"I was thinking about going next weekend," I lied.

"Oh, well, give me your number and I can let you know how it is! What are you doing in Chicago, by the way? I thought you moved to Texas or something to get married."

I waved a dismissive hand at her and scoffed. My heart was pounding in my ears. "Oh, we broke up. I'm actually just visiting myself." I was so proud of myself for the sudden white lie that I did some excitable hopping myself. "I'm leaving next weekend."

She smiled brightly. "Where are you going to? Back to Forks?"

"Phoenix. My mom lives there and we haven't been able to spend much time together lately so…" I trailed off, immediately regretting my reply. If the lie got around to James, he'd be on my Mom's doorstep in a heartbeat. I tried desperately to recover. "But I'll only be there a couple days since she's so busy. I'll probably head over to California or something from there."

"You're, like, a world traveler or something! That's totally cool!"

I didn't want to point out that the places I was going weren't very exotic or sophisticated but I grinned and nodded in return. At least I was considered trendy in my web of lies.

"How long are you in Chicago?" I asked.

"Oh, a few more days," she answered. "I can't believe I'm married! Soon, I'll be a Mom!"

My eyes widened. "You're pregnant?"

She snorted. "Possibly! Mike hasn't pulled out since the night before we got married so…who knows!"

Now, I remembered Jessica clear as a bell. She was the annoying, sweet girl who chattered endlessly and had no idea that there were some things that were meant to be private. In my history class my junior year, I'd gotten stuck in front of her and I listened to her tell one of her friends every detail about her period cramps. A year later, I was in her gym class and the entire locker room heard an echoed account of how much it hurts to have your cherry popped but how good it felt afterwards.

"Well, that's…great!" I thought about holding my fist out for a congratulatory bump but I didn't want to encourage her.

"I know, right?"

"Well, my bus is supposed to be here in a few so…" I shifted awkwardly on my feet. "It was good to see you and congrats, Jess."

She beamed. "Thanks, Bella. It was good to see you too! Hey, what's your number so that I can call you and tell you about the play?"

I recited off my old phone number from the cell I'd left in Oklahoma. Chances were it was either broken into pieces or out of service since the bill hadn't been paid. Probably both.

The entire bus ride home, I panicked. Jess would probably talk to her parents. Her parents would probably talk to my dad. My dad would relay the information to James. James could be here by tonight, searching the city for me. He'd show my picture to people, tell them a sob story and he'd eventually find me. By the time the bus reached the stop outside my apartment, I was having trouble catching my breath.

Jake was sitting on the front steps, sucking on a cigar as I wobbled up to our building. "Hey, Honey, what's up? You look like you just saw a two headed cock."

I opened my mouth and closed it, fascinated by his observation and statement. I was tempted to ask whether the cock he was referring to was in the genital or chicken category. I pictured both in my head and both were equally appalling and shocking so I figured it didn't matter which he was going for.

With a sigh, I flopped down beside him and let the suffocating smell of the smoke fill my nostrils.

"Did you spend too much money or something?" He asked pointing at my shopping bags. "Your face is all pale and I'm figuring on you passing out here any second."

He took another drag and made some smoke circles for me in an attempt to cheer me up. His grin was proud and bright and I couldn't help but smile in return.

"There's that sweet smile," he remarked. "Now tell me what the fuck is going on."

I swallowed and then gave the story to him in a nutshell. "A year ago, I moved to Oklahoma with my fiancé and he turned out to be psychotic. He did incredibly horrible things to me for nine months until I was able to escape. I came to Chicago to disappear. My dad doesn't know where I am or why I left Oklahoma. He still thinks that James loves me but really, he just wants to hurt me.

"By chance, I ran into a girl from my hometown. I'm terrified that she's going to call home and he's going to find me, somehow. If he knows I'm here, he'll come for me and he won't give up until he finds me. Then he'll drag me back to Oklahoma and I'll never see the light of day again."

I sighed out a breath, realizing that expelling all of it so quickly wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. Jake raised his eyebrows and took another long drag from his cigar. The smoke was exhaled in a long thick cloud over his head. I felt small next to him, especially now that he knew my past.

"Huh," he replied. "Chicago is a pretty big fucking place. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, but James is smart. He'll find me." The words didn't seem real; it was as if I was acting in the play that Jessica and Mike were going to at The Goodman.

"If he finds you, then he finds me too." Jake's voice was calm but there was a threat there. He turned to face me as smoke escaped from the corner of his mouth. "I owe you for those cookies, honey."

"He's dangerous, Jake," I said. "He's killed at least once before, in cold blood."

Jake chuckled darkly. "Yeah, well, sounds like a fun guy to beat the shit out of."

"I don't expect you to—"

"If he comes near you, all you have to do is scream and there will be at least a few of us coming to your rescue. If you can't scream, throw shit. If you can't throw shit, make him scream at you. Make some kind of noise so that I can hear it through that wall. If I hear it, I'll come running and a locked door isn't going to stop me." His brown eyes were somber and honest as he looked at me. A small smile pulled at the corner of his mouth as he directed his gaze at his half-smoked cigar. "Just be careful if lover boy elicits some screams out of you in that bedroom of yours. One thing I could do without for the rest of my life is a clear view of his pale, hairy ass stuck up high in the air."

In spite of his crack on Edward's perfect rear, I snorted out a laugh.

"Thank you, Jake. Seriously. I don't know what I ever did to deserve your friendship but…thank you."

"Sometimes, people earn friendships without ever realizing it," he noted and then grinned. "Plus, you make some damn fine cookies."

That evening, over dinner, I told Rose and Edward about my run-in with TMI-Jessica.

"That was smart—what you told her about leaving next week," Rose offered.

"Yeah, but now I'm afraid he'll go after my mom."

Rose shrugged. "Yeah, but he'll see that you're not there so he'll be back to square one."

"He'll figure it out. I know he will." The afternoon had wreaked havoc on my stomach so instead of ingesting my spaghetti, I twirled it on my plate like a two year old.

"Chicago is huge, Bella. How would he even find you…where would he even begin? It's not like you go out and people see you all the time."

"Jessica can tell them where she saw me and that's where he'll start," I muttered. "He'll find me."

Edward was oddly quiet but I could see the worry on his face—the frown and furrowed brows hovering down over his green, fiery eyes. He didn't know what to tell me, there was no advice that he could give that would make me feel better. Edward didn't lie so there wouldn't be any "everything is going to be fine" speeches coming from him. He knew just as well as I did that James just got a lucky break in his hunt for me.

"You shouldn't be alone anymore, Bella." Rose glanced at Edward and then back to me. "Anything can happen in your apartment and none of us would know until it was too late."

Her words panicked me. Big time. My worst fears since leaving Oklahoma were going to be realized, sooner rather than later. James would have my location narrowed down to a city.

"You can stay with me, if you want," Rose said. "The couch isn't the most—"

When Edward finally spoke, his voice didn't convey the concern on his face. His tone was strong and silky, just as I needed it to be. "She's staying with me."

"You really don't have to—"

"Bella, if you tell me that I don't have to do this, I'm going to brain you," Edward said calmly.

I blinked at him. Rose let out a gasping snort.

"Nice, Edward! The girl is terrified that this maniac is going to bust down her door any minute to drag her back to hell and you threaten violence on her. Just great! No wonder you're so freaking lonely. You have no tact. At all."

Even though I was the reason for the whole discussion, I had an urge to grab the kids and go to a different room. I wasn't sure how much Emily knew about my situation but she seemed oblivious to the whole exchange. Apparently, she was so used to hearing Edward and Rose gripe at each other that she tuned them out. I, however, didn't have that luxury.

"It's just a figure of speech, Rose," Edward said around a mouthful of buttered bread. "She knows I wouldn't really do it."

"But I bet it's a relief for her to hear that from the one man that she actually trusts!" She hunkered over, scratched her armpit and then proceeded to imitate Edward's voice. "You don't like what I have to say, woman, I'm going to whack you upside the head! Me man. You woman. Me boss. You—"

"Stuff a sock in it, Rose!'

Emily had started to giggle. When Edward's voice rose, no matter what the cause, it made Sammy go ballistic with excitement. He squealed with enjoyment as he watched Edward's face turn red with anger. I bit back a grin.

Rose sneered at Edward. "I am not going to stuff a sock in it! Unless, you're going to do that for me! You going to tackle me and force a sock in my mouth? Is that how you roll, Edward?"

Sammy tossed a slimy noodle and it landed in Edward's hair. He didn't feel it because it was three inches above his scalp. Emily slapped her palm over her mouth so that the giggling wouldn't interrupt the show.

"I've never given you reason to think that I would hit a woman, Rose," Edward said through his teeth. The end of the noodle wobbled as his head shook slightly with each word. "Why would you say that shhhh…crap?"

Rose motioned animatedly with her hands. "I know you really wouldn't do it but Bella is sensitive to this!"

Because the first noodle he'd lobbed elicited such a comedic response from myself and Emily, Sammy picked up another one and tossed it in Edward's direction. This time it caught around his ear and there was no hope that he wouldn't feel this one. He reached his fingers up and pulled the slimy noodle off his ear with a look of disgust. Sammy giggled. Emily giggled. I sputtered out a laugh.

Edward narrowed one eye at Sammy. "You think this is funny?"

Sammy curled up the best he could while in his highchair and squealed with delight as Edward focused all his attention on him. Emily became jealous, apparently, and decided to wage her own war with her spaghetti. Her aim wasn't as good as Sammy's—go figure—so it didn't hit her intended target which was Edward. Instead, it flew in front of Edward's field of vision and landed directly across Sammy's face. It reached from his eyebrow, across the bridge of his nose and down to the corner of his mouth. He jerked with the sudden shock of cold, slimy noodle on his face. All of us stared at him in silence to gauge his reaction. At first, I thought he was going to brush it off but after a few blinks, his bottom lip started trembling and he emitted a sad little whimper.

"Nice job, Edward," Rose mumbled as she crossed the kitchen to comfort her son.

Edward lifted his hands up and his mouth fell open. "What did I do?"

She ignored him. "No more throwing food. Any of you." Even though Edward hadn't thrown anything, she directed her glare at him.

As Rose coddled Sam and Emily cleared the table, I felt a tap on my ankle. I looked across the table and Edward was watching me.

"You okay?" he asked.

I nodded. He quirked an eyebrow, calling me out on the untruthful gesture.

"I'm scared," I admitted, "but there isn't anything I can do about it."

"Bullshit."

"Mom! Edward said a bad word!" Emily whined.

Edward ignored her. "We're going to keep running and you're going to get stronger. You're going to stay with me and you won't be walking to or from work by yourself anymore. If this bastard—"

"Mom! He did it again!"

"—finds you, he's going to regret it."

This was the reason I was falling for Edward. He didn't dance around things, he didn't give up and he sure as hell wouldn't let me feel like a victim. _Ever again._

* * *

><p>Waking up next to Edward was delightful and brutal all at the same time. I'd fall asleep on my side of the bed, doze in blissful unawareness throughout the night and then wake up on top of him. Every night. He didn't seem to mind. In fact, he laughed and I could practically see his ego swelling each morning. Unfortunately, for my modesty, other things tended to swell as well.<p>

Just as he'd promised, we were taking things slow. Exceedingly slow. Mind numbingly slow. We'd barely kissed and when we did, it was chaste and gentle. The passion that I'd felt the first morning I'd woken up on top of him was either non-existent or bottled way down deep inside of him. I'd begun to wonder if—in wake of the Target incident—he'd had second thoughts about me.

I, on the other hand, had these new feelings. It happened every time I watched him out of the corner of my eye. I'd stare at his finely stubbled jaw, the muscles bunching with movement under his thin white undershirt, and the mess of hair on his head, and I'd get a feeling like I'd swallowed a dozen goldfish. The little fish would swim hungrily in my belly with each passing moment of spying on Edward. Sometimes—as I imagined what Edward's naked chest looked like—the swimming would go low into my core. Beads of sweat would form on my brow and black spots would dance through my vision. My body responded to him. It was like starring in my own romance novel only this wasn't fiction.

While, the thought of sex still made me shudder, I still wondered what it would be like to have him over me; the fire in his eyes burning into mine as he moved into me and out of me in one fluid motion; the sounds of his heavy breath and the feeling of strength in his arms as he balanced himself over me. Would he make noises? Would he touch me and if so, where?

I could do it for Edward. Perhaps, one day, I could learn to like it.

He'd given me half of his dresser and most of his closet. I didn't need much room since I didn't own that many clothes. In the mornings, he'd walk me to work and he'd leave his car with Rose so that she could pick me up in the afternoons. I felt like a pain in the ass but both of them assured me that it was no problem. At one point, Edward grew so annoyed with my constant yammering about my presence being a nuisance, he told me I'd given him a headache and to promptly stuff a sock in it.

"Can I go with you?"

We just gotten back from our run and Edward was swigging a bottle of water. It was Sunday and he'd told me that he had to leave in an hour. I knew he went to church and then to the homeless shelter, and I'd wanted to go with him. It was a stretch to ask because he kept his Sundays fiercely private but if I went with him, it would feel like he was opening himself up for me. Probably, it was the reason he'd say no.

"Why?" He capped the empty bottle and tossed it into the trash. "It's boring."

I rolled my eyes. "I doubt that it's boring."

"You should take today and relax. Read a book. Go visit Rose."

"I see Rose everyday. I work in a bookstore. I want to go with you."

He sighed and looked pained; like someone had asked him to put on a thong. "Bella, this thing I do on Sundays…it's kind of my thing. I don't want you to think that I don't want you there, it's just…"

I felt sympathy for the struggle he was going through so I intervened. "It's okay, Edward." I shrugged. "Maybe someday."

He pressed his lips together and nodded tightly. "Yeah, maybe."

He walked down the hall as I threw my own empty bottle into the trash. Ten seconds later, I heard him walking back into the kitchen. He had peeled his shirt off and I got a glimpse of what my imagination had conjured up only hours before. His torso was long with lean muscles. A long scar ran down his side, from ribs to hip that was sure to have been from a painful injury. A smattering of hair covered his chest and fell in a line into the waist band of his pants. Shamelessly, I stared as I remembered running my fingers through it and the goldfish in my lower abdomen started swimming like they were hopped up on crack.

The tattoo stood out, black against white on his skin. It was a wolf. Its long snout rose up—in mid-howl—over his shoulder and its face covered his pectoral muscle. Another tattoo, symbols of some sort, covered his bicep. The wolf was a testament to his sister. It was a reminder to himself so when he looked in the mirror, he'd think about what he'd done and what he was worth for doing it. As if he'd ever forget it.

"Do you really want to go?" he asked.

I nodded enthusiastically. "I do."

He sighed and rubbed his knuckle against the scruff of his beard. "Can you be ready in an hour?"

I smiled. "Most definitely."

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><p><em><strong>AN: If you don't know what Target is, my friends, it's my most favorite place on the face of the earth. Well, that doesn't involve my imagination *nudgenudge* It's a store where you can get pretty much everything from clothing, to electronics to grape ICEE's. **_

_**Sooooo, favorite parts? Favorite lines? Favorite part of Edward's naked chest? Do tell... :)**_


	17. Chapter 16 Hey, Jealousy

_**A/N: Can I just say that I have the best readers in the fandom... Srsly. You guys inspire me, make me laugh, make me dance, make me emit strange excitable noises that I didn't think was possible whilst fully clothed...you guys ROCK!**_

_**I'm on Facebook as Missy J. Jones (previously known as Msj Fanfic). Also, FF is being a goob and made links on everyone's profile inactive so any links that were previously on my profile page no longer work. Just FYI...**_

_**Thanks to my pre-reader, Softragoo, whom I'd consider marrying if we both weren't already taken. **_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Sixteen<strong>_

I chose carefully out of my pathetic wardrobe. Wearing anything but a dress to church wasn't possible for me since I'd grown up in a very posh place of worship where old ladies put on their Sunday best and you were frowned upon if you didn't. That left me two choices: The first was a black wrap around dress that made me look like was going to a funeral and the second was a blue sleeveless number with a deep v-neck that I'd bought on a whim that if by chance, I got the guts to go out with Rose one night. I went with the former, since I figured most churches frowned upon cleavage. For my shoes, I chose black flats because I'd be on my feet at the homeless shelter. To add a little color, I pulled on a blue sweater that I'd gotten at the thrift store when I'd gone on my first round of clothes shopping when I moved to Chicago.

With a swift carefulness, I put on some eye makeup and a tad bit of lip gloss. Blush was tricky because not enough was pointless but too much would make me feel self conscious. With a decisive toss into my makeup bag, I decided that blush wouldn't be on the agenda. I had enough of my own natural blush to keep me from looking sickly and all I had to do was refresh my memory on shirtless Edward to get my cheeks to cooperate.

After I dried my hair, I pulled it up into a high, short ponytail. I looked twelve. I pulled my hair back out and fluffed it with my fingers, hoping to instantly age myself. It worked. With fluffed up hair and eyeliner on, I looked fifty.

"Shit," I mumbled to myself as I glanced at the clock on the wall in Edward's bathroom. I had exactly two minutes to pull myself together and walk out the door. Why was this so hard? It had never been hard before Oklahoma. I simply did what felt comfortable and walked out the door without a second thought. The present day Bella was uncomfortable in her own skin and paranoid; two things that led to disaster no matter where I was going.

I pulled my hair up again and pressed my lips together. Last minute, I added a little blush. Too much. I cursed softly to myself and rubbed my cheeks with wet fingers until my skin was red and blotchy.

"You almost ready?" Edward asked through the bathroom door.

I groaned and dried my cheeks with some toilet paper. "As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."

He started to talk as I opened the door to see him standing on the other side.

"You don't have to go if you—"

My eyes widened as he looked me up and down then back up again. His silence was deafening. I rubbed my fingers over my cheeks self-consciously. "What?"

"Nothing," he mumbled, staring at my legs which were bare from the knee down. "Are you ready?"

"I don't look too…you know?"

He finally met my eyes. "You look great...really, really great."

I let myself breath and my muscles relaxed with his comment. "You look pretty good yourself."

Edward was wearing a black button up dress shirt and a pair of dark jeans. He stuck with the black boots but they looked nicer than the ones he wore to work. The scruff on his chin was even as if he'd ran an electric razor over it. The hair was hopeless. I'd grown accustomed to the hair and even found myself looking forward to seeing which way it would sway from one day to the next. It had its own personality.

"I need to get it cut," he mumbled, his eyes shifting up toward his scalp. He ran a hand through it and it reacted violently, moving in opposite directions from the glide of his hand. "I just haven't had time to get anywhere."

"I could cut it," I offered.

He narrowed a skeptical eye at me.

"I used to cut my dad's hair."

"I'll think about it."

"You're awful protective of that hair of yours," I said as we pulled on our coats. "The style is pretty easy to swing no matter how it's cut so I don't know what your drawbacks are on letting me near it with a pair of scissors."

"How would you cut it?

"Just a trim."

He shut the door behind me and locked it. "We'll see."

After we got into his car, he turned the engine over and then it sputtered out. He frowned at the steering wheel.

"Maybe we should take the bus," I suggested.

He directed his frown at me before stroking the dashboard with his fingertips and mumbling in baby talk to his car. I rolled my eyes and bit back a grin. He turned the engine over again and the car roared to life as he pressed the gas a few times to get the engine going steady.

"She takes offense to faithless comments such as that," he told me as he shifted into reverse.

"Yeah, well, I'm offended that every appliance, vehicle, or tool has a female gender according to men. My dad always called his boat a 'she'. Why is that?"

Edward shrugged. "It just doesn't feel right…calling an inanimate object a 'he'. I would think it would be a compliment."

"Do you think it would be a compliment if I called my hair dryer a 'he'? Or what about my tampons? Are they just a bunch of guys hanging out in a cardboard box, waiting to be used?"

I expected him to fidget, maybe tug at his hair and turn a little red at the mention of feminine products. Instead, he smirked and looked at me slyly.

"I think the hair dryer thing has promise but if you were to put a male gender on your tampons, I might have a problem."

"Why?" I asked with raised eyebrows. "Because you'd think I was crazy?"

His smirk grew into a smile as he winked at me. "No, because I'd be jealous."

I fidgeted, pulled at my ponytail and turned red. Then through a tight frown, I hissed, "We're going to church for God's sake."

"You sound like an old fuddy duddy," he teased.

"I do not."

"Yeah, ya do."

I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest, trying not to smile. "I'm so going to call my tampons 'he's'. Maybe, I'll even name them, just to piss you off."

"I think the name Harry has a ring to it; or what about Thomas…Thomas the tampon?" He laughed at himself.

"Oh my God," I sighed, "this conversation is ridiculous."

He laughed. The sound of it made the entire confrontation worth it.

"You started it," he accused.

"No, I didn't."

"Yeah, ya did."

It took about fifteen minutes to get to the church. The building was huge and it looked nothing like the small white church in Forks that I'd gone to when I was younger. The architecture was modern and kids played on a playground in front, even though the wind was bitter cold.

We walked in and I followed Edward to a counter where people were catching up with each other and shaking hands with the people they didn't know. On the counter were three large coffee pots behind a sign that read "Free coffee. Take a cup and enjoy!"

After we got our coffee, I followed him up some stairs and into seats. We were sitting in a balcony that overlooked a stage. It felt more like we were here to watch a play or a concert instead of a church service. I was surprised to notice that most of the people sitting around us wore jeans and didn't appear to be stressed over their appearances. It was comfortable and warm. Welcoming.

"Well, what do you think?" he asked.

I smiled. "It's nice."

We were quiet for a while as we observed people around us, conversing and taking seats with their free coffee clutched in their hands. Edward didn't seem to know any of them but he didn't look uncomfortable or out of place. I couldn't imagine anyone feeling out of place.

"Have you been religious your whole life?" I asked him softly.

He licked his lips and leaned his head toward me to answer. "Religious, yes but spiritual, no. I went to church every week when I was younger. We were Lutheran. I went through Catechism and was confirmed and everything but I never felt anything. The hymns didn't really draw me in and I didn't feel the sermons were relatable." He shrugged and added, "Maybe, if I went back now, I would but back then, I didn't."

"I went to a Baptist church until my mom left and then I stopped going."

"Did you like it?"

I shrugged a shoulder. "I liked the people and the ritual of it. When we stopped going, I missed it but I was so angry with my mom that I stopped going. She was the one who was the driver behind our familial church bus. When I thought of church, I thought of her and I couldn't get past it."

"Are you still angry with her?"

I chewed on the question for a few moments before answering, "No, not really. I'm sad that I feel like I don't know her but what's done is done." It was true. I'd spent so many years feeling like she'd taken something from me but since I'd made my escape to Chicago, it didn't seem important anymore. "We talk a couple times a year. I haven't seen her since my college graduation last May. She's remarried to some creep who thinks he's God's gift to women."

"I bet she's lonely," Edward whispered. "I can't imagine having a daughter like you and not seeing you everyday. Maybe this whole thing will wake her up so when you see her again, she'll turn things around."

"I don't know if I want her to," I replied then smiled. "Thank you for saying that, though."

I wanted to reach out and grab his hand. It was just sitting there on his knee, begging to be squeezed but I couldn't. What if he pulled away? Was holding hands appropriate in church? I looked around and saw several couples leaning into each other, arms around shoulders and fingers netted through fingers. Maybe, they were all married. Of course it was inappropriate for unmarried couples to hold hands during church, right?

"I started coming because I thought it would get me closer to Alice," Edward said. "When I got out of Pekin, I had this hunger to be as close to her as I could get so that I could tell her how sorry I was. I went to so many different churches, all of them seemed cold and distant. When I came across this one, it almost felt like home to me. It was the most comfortable I'd been since before I'd killed her."

I wanted to argue that he hadn't killed her but I couldn't interrupt. My hand twitched to grab his and reassure him that he was a kind, worthy person.

"Each time I leave, I leave with something. I can relive the night Alice died every day, every hour on the hour, except for when I'm here. When I sit here and listen to the band or hear the words from Pastor Rich, I don't think about myself. I don't rehash the past and think about what a horrible thing I did eight years ago. It's my reprieve from the blame, from the memories." He rubbed his knuckle against the rough scruff of his jaw. "Sometimes, when I sit here I wonder if I deserve this hour of peace but I can't seem to take it away from myself."

"I understand why it means so much for you to come," I whispered. "It's almost like therapy."

He shook his head slightly. "Therapy is a place for you to heal. This building is where I come to take a break."

"From the guilt?" I asked.

"From everything."

His eyes were filled with so much sadness and pain that I didn't question whether it was appropriate or not to hold his hand. I reached over, grabbed it and threaded my fingers through his without taking my eyes away from his. I didn't let him go for the next hour. As we stood for the band, I felt him tugging to let go but I wouldn't release him. He finally relinquished his hand to me, giving it to me for the duration of the service.

I was still holding it on our walk back to the car. Only when he reached into his pocket to pull out his keys did I let my fingers untangle from his. He opened my door for me and closed it after I got in. I watched him glide around the front of the car, his movements smooth and each step calculated. God, he was gorgeous. He could go anywhere and have his pick of women but here I was—a flustered head case—sitting in the passenger seat of his female car.

He'd told me that there had never been anyone in his life but that didn't mean that he didn't sleep with other women. In fact, I was positive that he'd enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. It would be too difficult for him not to, as easy at it would come to him. It wouldn't take much effort for him to find a willing lady, someone to give him a night of unattached pleasure. The thought made me ill. And ludicrously angry.

As he got in and buckled up, I took a deep breath because what he'd just shared with me was beautiful. There was no way I was going to mess it up by getting jealous over faceless women.

"Where to?" I asked.

He looked over at me and smiled as his car roared to life. "Now, we eat lunch."

We drove toward the lake, and he parked near the walking path. I followed his lead and got out of the car, walking behind him toward a hot dog cart.

"What's your poison?" he asked.

"Ketchup, I guess?"

"You don't sound too certain."

I shrugged. "What else is there?"

A slow smile crept across his mouth. "Go grab a seat on a bench and I'll order one for you."

"That scares me a little," I teased.

He rolled his eyes and waved me off. "Go sit down."

I did as he said and found a bench beside a couple of trees. The wind whipped against my cheeks and I felt crazy as I sat there, shaking and folding into myself. It only took a few minutes before he joined me with two Cokes and two hot dogs that looked like they'd been dumped on by a garbage disposal. I shot him a what-the-fuck look and he chuckled.

"It's how you eat a hot dog in Chicago," he told me.

I swallowed and stared at it. There was ketchup on there somewhere, I was sure of it, but it wasn't in plain sight. A tomato sat on top, a pickle on the side and loads of other colorful stuff in the middle.

"Is there even a hot dog in this mess?"

Edward took a huge bite and moaned. "Just try it, Bella."

I sighed and took a sample bite from the end. There was definitely hot dog in there, along with ketchup, mustard, relish, onions and peppers. It was overwhelming. I started taking things off and popping them in my mouth.

"You're cheating," Edward said with a grin.

"Leave me to it," I chided.

We ate in silence, my body warming as the hot peppers found their way into my mouth. When Edward was done, he popped open his Coke and took a nice, long draw from it.

"Is this what you normally do for lunch on Sundays?" I asked.

He nodded. "As much as Rose thinks I do this all for the sake of redemption, I enjoy being by myself for a day. It gives me time to think about things. In fact, I spent the past two weeks sitting here thinking about you."

"You didn't have to ask me to come, you know. I wasn't mad about it."

He turned to look at me. "I wanted you to come. If I was going to share this with anyone, I wanted it to be you."

"Why?" I asked stupidly.

After another long drink of Coke, he answered me. "Like I told you before, I'm not going to be good at this whole—" He gestured between us with a wave of his hand. "—relationship thing. I'm not someone who opens up to people. I do know that I need you to trust me and I know you can't do that if you don't know the important things about my life. I needed to take a step toward that."

"It's a pretty big step, Edward. You could have treated me to your favorite ice cream before inviting me to go with you on your Sunday rounds. I would have been satisfied with that."

He licked his lips and cleared his throat. "I want you in my life, Bella. If I can't jump in head first, then what's the point?"

"Like ripping off a band aid," I noted.

He smiled. "Exactly."

I put my half eaten hot dog down on the bench beside me. "Can I ask you for a favor?"

He tossed his empty Coke toward the trash can and it bounced off the side and landed in the grass. "Sure, anything."

My stomach tightened and bubbled as he looked into my eyes. I scooted close enough to him that my knee was half covered by his. "Would you kiss me?"

His brows furrowed slightly and he sucked in a quiet breath. I braced myself as his lips brushed mine, like wet, warm silk. The kiss was gentle and slow. My body loosened as his lips became more familiar with mine. It didn't matter that his breath smelled like onions or that the stubble of his beard scratched at my chin. What mattered was that I welcomed the feel of his body overcoming mine. How strange was it that I didn't panic anymore? Why wasn't I afraid of what was possible?

My senses were overloaded with the pull of his lips, the feel of his tongue grazing my teeth, the warmth of his hand around my waist. With enthusiasm, I put my hand on the nape of his neck and pulled him closer. I moaned and his kiss became urgent on my mouth. As he leaned into me, the cold stone of the bench pressed into my back, and his steady hands kept me from falling off the bench. I felt the need in him as he lifted his body over mine, drawing me closer and firmer against him. The fear that I expected to feel wasn't there. I could feel his desire for me in the grip of his fingers and the sounds of his groans, but I didn't let myself think about what horrible things he could do, using his strength and his sex. He wouldn't.

A wave of lust swept over me and I found myself shamelessly clawing at his back, urging him closer. I forgot where we were. I didn't care where we were. He moaned into my mouth as I tugged at the hair on the back of his head with strong, shaky fingers.

My mind raced, exhausting itself between seeking out what was pleasure and beating out the memories of pain. The irrational beatings, the careless way James used my body, and my lack of control—the memories kept pushing at me, screaming at me to stop. The deeply buried survival instincts were strong but Edward's touch was stronger. He was careful with me as his lips brushed over my cheek and under my ear; his hands caressed me, held me, and kept me safe. It was as if he knew exactly what I needed.

"Get a room, you two!" shouted a grumbling, male voice.

Edward broke the connection and backed away from me, clearing his throat.

"Jim thinks he's funny," he mumbled.

"Huh?" I asked stupidly.

He pointed to the hot dog cart where the vendor was chuckling to himself.

"Oh, well, yeah," I managed to mumble; formulating a response simply wasn't possible. For the first time in my life, I _really_ wanted to be touched by a man. But not just any man; only Edward.

"Sorry," he muttered to his feet, "I got a little carried away."

I laughed silently. "By all means, get carried away."

He looked at me sharply. "No, I can't get carried away. You've been through too much for me to get carried away."

"Does that mean that I shouldn't want to be touched by you? I trust you."

He got up, picked up his can and threw it in the trash can. "I don't know if I trust myself."

We walked in painful silence back to his car. He opened my door and I climbed in without looking at him, slightly embarrassed.

"You okay?" he asked softly as he plugged the key into the ignition.

I sighed. "Yeah, I'm good. Where are we off to, now?"

He turned the engine and it sputtered into a rough death. I didn't voice my told-you-so on taking the bus, but instead fought back a grin as I stared out the window. After a few seconds of silence, he started it again and it roared to life.

"She's good," he told me as he gave the dash board a little pat.

I smirked. "I didn't ask."

We drove through downtown Chicago, making several turns down side streets as Edward told me about the shelter we were going to. It wasn't a soup kitchen, as I assumed, but a food bank. They didn't serve dinner but instead handed out groceries that had been donated by local grocery stores and churches. The bags of food were given out to each family, according to the number of people, and if rationed correctly, would last them the week.

"You'll get to meet Kate," Edward told me. "She let me stay with her for the couple of weeks I went AWOL."

I tried to keep my eyes from narrowing. "Huh. That was awful nice of her to let you stay with her. You must know her pretty well."

He shrugged. "I know her from the shelter and I've been coming here for the past couple of years."

"Every Sunday?"

"I might have missed a couple but yeah, pretty much every Sunday."

"Huh." I let a pregnant pause hang in the air as I tried to neutralize my tone. "Have you two ever…"

His brows furrowed. "Ever what?"

I fidgeted in my seat. "You know…have you ever gotten close to each other."

Bewildered, he turned to me with raised brows. "Are you asking if Kate and I have ever fucked?"

I cleared my throat, willing my face to stay a normal color. "Yeah, I guess that's what I'm asking."

The corners of his mouth twitched. "No, but she is rather cute." I fought a frown. "And sweet." My teeth caught my bottom lip and I began gnawing on it. "She has an adorable laugh."

"Huh," I replied.

"I think you'll love her," he said, grinning.

"Oh, I'm sure I will," I managed.

The shelter was in a small church on the outskirts of downtown. The parking lot was empty but a line of people stood outside the door waiting to get in. We walked past them, many greeting Edward by name and asking about his week. He'd reply with short answers and a smile, using their names in return. It was obvious why he felt the need to continue coming here and it wasn't a form of redemption. Edward liked to feel needed.

Perhaps, that was why he'd taken to me so quickly—the lonely, weak girl in need of help who lived across the hall from him. How could he not see me in the same light that he saw the single mother, with the baby on her hip, standing at the church doors? My smile was sad as I thought about the compassion that overflowed from this man, to devote one of his days off to helping other people; but he never did anything for himself which was heartbreaking.

When we got through the door, a middle aged man with a receding hair line and glasses rushed at Edward. The best adjective to describe him was frazzled.

"Edward! We're running behind! I didn't think you were coming today since you're so late." He pushed up his glasses with his finger. "The bags haven't even been filled yet!"

The corners of Edward's mouth twitched. "Randy, this is Bella. She came to help out today."

Randy blew out a sigh of relief. "Where are her talents? Where can I put her?"

I chewed on my lip and fought my own smile. "I'm a really good dancer," I teased, trying to lighten the mood and erase some of the frazzles that were obvious on Randy's features.

He blinked at me. Edward broke out into a grin.

"She's multitalented, Randy. Stick her anywhere."

Randy cleared his throat. "Oh, you were kidding about the dancing. I see. Can you count?"

I made a face. "To ten. Sometimes to twenty if I can take my shoes off."

Randy blinked some more and Edward nudged me.

"You're going to give him a heart attack," he mumbled.

"Oh, more kidding. I see. Come this way, Bella."

I shrugged and followed Randy to a large room filled with piles of different food items and hygiene products. He pointed to a pile of paper bags and showed me where numbers were written on it, blurting out instructions as he unfolded a bag.

"If the number three is written on it, it means it's for a three person family so you put two loaves of bread, two lunch meats, a bag of apples, six oranges, six bananas, four rolls of toilet paper…"

The bag was over filled when we reached the end of the line. He showed me where to put them when it was done so that another bag coming from another line could be added to it. Then he looked at me cautiously.

"Do you think you can handle it?" I nodded. "Good. Any questions?"

"Nope."

He regarded me carefully before he left, probably wondering if I was kidding again. Then he pushed up his glasses and scampered off toward the front, where holy chaos had erupted since they'd opened the door. It was good chaos, though. People laughed, greeted each other and asked questions about families. It wasn't all one sided, either. The people coming in for the bags also knew the volunteers and seemed genuinely happy to see them.

As I filled up bag after bag, I kept my eye out for Edward but I didn't see him. When the bags ran out along with the supplies, I took a deep breath and smiled. For the first time in a long time, I felt really good about myself. Even though I hadn't bought the food or come here on my own accord, I'd done something selfless. The relief that flooded over the peoples' faces overshadowed the hit that their pride had taken when they stepped in line. Thanks to this offering, their family would eat for the week.

"You look deep in thought." I turned to see Edward coming at me from behind with an armful of paper bags. "Give me a hand."

I took one of the bags and followed him to the tables where the volunteers were giving out the food. It was pretty organized. Everyone had a card on them indicating the number of people in their family so all they did was present the card and they got the bag with the appropriate amount of goodies in it. Edward told me that there was an application process and it had to be approved before you were able to get a card. Unfortunately, people would take advantage if the procedure wasn't followed.

"Can you help me grab some more bags?" he asked.

On our way back with two armfuls, I told him how nice it was that he did this. He replied with an abashed shrug.

When everyone had gotten through the line, the volunteers sat for a moment, whether from exhaustion or coming down from the adrenaline rush of the past hour, I wasn't sure. Then the clean up process began and things had to be put back the same way they were set out.

"Edward! Hey, could you help Randy close up the doors?" A female voice said from behind us.

"Sure," he said and gave me an amused look before going to find Randy.

"Oh, I don't think I've met you yet, sweetie." The woman approached me and I immediately smiled. She was small and slender with a head of cropped gray hair. Her age had to have been in her seventies but she moved with incredible grace and strength.

"Hi, I'm Bella," I said, holding out my hand.

Her silver eyebrows rose and her eyes widened as she shook my hand. "You're Bella," she said knowingly. "I didn't think I'd ever have a chance to meet you."

Perplexed, I asked her, "How do you know me?"

"Edward doesn't shut up about you. I'm Kate."

I was giddy over the fact that Edward never shut up about me but embarrassed that I'd been jealous over a seventy year old woman. He had baited me with that one though as he described her on the way to the shelter. He'd called her "cute" and "sweet" but had conveniently left out the elderly part.

"He told me that you let him stay with you a couple of weeks," I said.

She quirked an eyebrow and leaned toward me to whisper, "The man has no idea how to make a bed. He tries but…" she made a clucking noise with her front teeth and shook her head.

"He's been really good to me," I told her. "I don't know what I would have done without him."

A perceptive smile spread over her face. "How are you two doing?"

I looked down at my shuffling feet as I felt my face heat up. "Okay, I guess."

"You must be quite the girl to finally snag Edward up. A few of the ladies around here talk about him like he hung the moon but he doesn't look twice at them." I looked around at the ladies in question and most of them were in their fifties. She must have noticed my observation. "The young ones don't stick around for too long. Except for Edward, that is. He's a good man."

I grinned. "That, he is."

An arm looped around my shoulders and I stiffened until I realized that it was Edward. "I think I should be involved in this conversation. I heard 'good man', 'hung the moon' and 'handsome'. Keep going."

Kate crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't think either of us said anything about you being handsome."

Edward squeezed my shoulder with his hand and winked. "It was on the tip of both of your tongues, admit it."

I pinched his side and he let out a manly yelp. "That's what you get for eavesdropping."

Kate let out a throaty laugh. "How's Randy doing with the tables?"

Edward grinned. "He loses every time."

"I'd better go help him," she conceded, "before he decides to kick one and send it flying at Hattie again."

"I'll go," Edward said.

"No, you two head out before you're late for your meeting."

Edward cleared his throat and shifted from foot to foot.

Kate pressed her lips together before saying, "I take it by that, that Bella doesn't know about the meetings." Edward shook his head and Kate rolled her eyes. "Hopeless, I tell ya."

"Good to meet you, Kate," I said.

"You too, Bella. Keep this one in line, eh?"

I laughed. "I'll try."

As we climbed into his car and the engine grumbled to life, I looked at Edward expectantly.

"What?"

"The meeting?" I asked.

He swallowed. "I was going to tell you."

"Okay, so tell me."

"When I got out of Pekin, part of my sentence was eighteen months of AA meetings." He shrugged.

"That was five years ago," I pointed out. "You're not an alcoholic."

"I never was."

"So, why do you continue to go?"

He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged a little. "It's just part of my Sunday. I've went for five years; so many have come and gone but a few have been going since before my first meeting. If I just suddenly stop going…"

I was close to calling him on his bullshit. This meeting was a reminder, plain and simple. If he stopped going, he was that much closer to forgetting what happened with his sister. Every week, he went to church and drank in the peace and then went off to help strangers which made him feel damn good. Then, he'd end the night with this meeting so that he didn't go home with any doubts about the direction of his life. Going to these meetings brought the culpability that he'd lost during the day. If he didn't go, he wouldn't know how to sleep with the good stuff rolling around in his chest. Self-destruction and fault were what kept him ticking; without that, he wouldn't know what to do with himself.

"Look, I know what you're thinking," Edward grumbled defensively.

"Do you?"

"You think that I go because I feel guilty about what happened."

"Don't you?"

"You're starting to sound like a shrink," he observed.

I pressed my lips together. "You're saying that the reason you go is because you're not a quitter, is that right?"

He hesitated as he chewed on the question. "I guess you could say that, yeah."

"Okay," I said, "let's go."

"You want to go with me?"

"Am I allowed?"

"Of course; I just thought that…it's pretty damn boring."

"We can sit in the back and if I get bored, I'll doodle. I want to go."

He put the car in gear and we were back on the road. His knuckles were white on the steering wheel and his jaw ticked. It was obvious that he was uncomfortable with my company to the meeting but I wasn't going to let him off the hook by excusing myself.

For the third time in one day, we pulled into a different church parking lot and got out of the car. I followed him in and we walked down some steps into a basement of sorts. It was slightly creepy. The meeting had already started when we got there and a few people turned to look at us as we quietly sat down in a couple seats in the back of the room. A young girl with twinkling eyes shot Edward a little finger wave and he nodded to her in greeting. I narrowed my eyes at her but she paid me no mind. She was too busy pushing her chest out and reapplying red lipstick to get his attention. He didn't seem to realize she was even trying to get his attention, which was good.

A man was standing at a podium, talking about the relationship he'd lost due to his disease. He was so young, probably a little older than me and he'd already lost so much. His parents had disowned him and his girlfriend had bailed him out of jail for the last time. It took a horrible car accident that had left his passenger with severe injuries to get him to sober up. He'd been clean of alcohol for fourteen months. Everyone applauded.

The rest of the hour went the same way. By the time they said The Serenity Prayer and announced that coffee and doughnuts were in the room next door, I felt like my insides had been turned to mush. My head hurt from all the emotional stories and my stomach was weak. How were these meetings supposed to make people feel better?

"It's the connection," Edward whispered, reading my face. "When alcoholics come here, it's so they don't feel so alone. It's a horrible disease that alienates you from everyone you love and when people come here, it makes them feel like they belong somewhere."

"You say that as if you have the disease," I countered.

He opened up his mouth to respond but we were interrupted by a shrill cry of his name.

"Oh, shit," Edward grumbled.

"Edward, I haven't seen you in weeks!" The little blonde that had pushed out her chest for him earlier was weaving between empty chairs to get to him. "I missed you!"

I scowled at her.

"Well, Jane, if you attended the meetings every week like you're supposed to, then you would see me more often." His tone was annoyed but she didn't seem to get the hint.

"Oh, you know these tear fests are a bunch of bullshit for me," she said matter-of-factly. "I'm no more an alcoholic than you are. Anyone could have fallen out of that dorm room window."

"Jane, this is Bella. She's my—"

I didn't let him finish. Before he could say something stupid like "friend" or "neighbor", I blurted, "Girlfriend. I'm his girlfriend."

He didn't look shocked so I was hoping I'd finished his sentence for him exactly as he'd planned. Our relationship was new and we hadn't really talked about labels for each other but what better time than the present. Jane stuck out her lip a little and pouted in my direction.

"Oh, I see," she squeaked. "That's interesting."

Then she walked away with her head down and her tail tucked under her legs. I had to hand it to her. She didn't go the home-wrecker route and continue to jut her chest out to overwhelm my B cups. Jane took the news like a champ.

Edward sighed and said, "I'll be right back, okay?"

Then he went after her.

"What the…" I whispered to myself.

I watched him walk after her, stopping her from walking up the steps. He put a hand on her shoulder and ducked his head to talk to her. She pouted a little more and she put a hand on his forearm, as if to hold herself up. I pursed my lips as I watched the exchange, unable to wonder if they'd been intimate. Perhaps, Edward was the love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy and Jane had grown too attached. Absurdly, a wave of anger rushed through me and I found myself gritting my teeth.

"First time?"

The young guy who'd been up at the podium when we first arrived was standing a few feet away from me with a Styrofoam cup in his hand. His dark hair was tussled and deep bags rested under his eyes. If he didn't look so damn exhausted, he would have been a decent looking guy but the years of hardship and alcohol abuse had weathered his features. He looked ready to drop.

"Uh…yeah," I replied.

"What did you think?" he asked with a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.

"I thought it was really sad," I said honestly.

He nodded thoughtfully. "Maybe next time we'll get to hear your story."

My eyes widened. "Oh, I'm not…I didn't come because I'm an alcoholic."

His lips formed a tight grin and he reached out stroke my shoulder with his palm. I flinched instinctively but his arms were long. "That's what we all say but—"

"No, really, I'm not an alcoholic. Not that I would be ashamed of it or…I mean, not that it would make me a bad person. I just…I came with a friend." I glanced over to see Edward still trying to cheer up Jane and I internally cursed at him.

"I'm Kevin," he said, holding his hand out. I shook it frantically and shot him a nervous smile. "How long have you been dealing with an alcohol problem?"

_God, was this guy deaf? _

"I don't drink. Ever. At all."

He rubbed my shoulder again and I pulled away from his touch. "Denial is just below the first step of the program. You must have realized that it's a problem if you came here tonight. What was your name?"

Briefly, I considered giving him a fake name but it was possible that this was one of Edward's friends. "Bella and I don't—"

"You're kind of cute, Bella. Want to go out for coffee? I can talk to you about the program and see if you have any questions about it. With proper support, we can all make it through life as alcoholics. The first step is admitting that there is a problem."

"I don't have a problem," I ground out.

He grinned, showing me all his teeth. "How about that coffee?"

"Kevin," Edward said, finally back from his rendezvous with Jane. "How goes it, man?"

"Edward!" Kevin gave Edward his glorious toothy smile. "Have you met Bella, yet? We're going out for coffee."

Edward's eyebrows arched upward as he looked down at me. "Really?"

I shook my head. "No, we aren't going out for coffee. I never said that I was going out for coffee."

Kevin was visibly saddened by this news.

"It was really nice to meet you, Kevin, but I have to go." I turned away from both of them, hauled my way up the stairs—two at a time—and walked out the door. The sun had set and I'd forgotten to take off my coat the entire time I'd been in the church so the chilly air seemed brutal. My breath whooshed out of me like a dense cloud of smoke with each exhale as I found Edward's car and leaned against the passenger side door.

Edward was right on my tail.

"What happened?"

"Kevin tried to convince me to start the twelve step program while you were off chatting with that blonde—" I could have said so many things to describe Jane, most of which would have made me blush, but the words would have been spoken out of immaturity and jealousy. "—girl."

"Sorry, Jane has more issues than she cares to admit."

"Can we just go?" I asked.

He stared at me for a moment before nodding. The key scratched the side of his car before he got it into the lock and pulled the door open for me. I sat and he closed it with a meaningful slam. I jumped.

When he got in, he turned the engine over with vigor and we reversed out of the lot. His hands clenched the steering wheel and his jaw was tight as he made turns and bolted around corners. I wasn't sure how close we were to home when his female vehicle grew more than just a little temperamental. Red lights glared out at us from the dash and the engine died with a short sputter.

"Fuck," Edward ground out. "I can't believe this shit."

He pulled the hood lever on the floor and got out to inspect the engine. I followed out of sheer curiosity. There was a small stream of smoke billowing out from a large black thing in front and something was creaking from deep in the engine. I was no expert but it didn't look good.

"Sorry," Edward murmured.

"Are you talking to the car or me?" I teased, trying to lighten his mood.

He looked over at me and his face lightened. "I was talking to you. I know you have to be up for work in the morning."

I looked at my watch. "It's only seven thirty. It'll be fine."

"It'll take a fucking year to get a tow out here. I could walk you home in the mean time."

I shook my head. "That's okay."

Edward pulled his phone out of his back pocket and called for a tow truck. When he snapped it shut he sighed, "Two hours."

We stared at the popping engine some more.

"What do you think is wrong with it?"

He made an I-don't-know noise.

"You fix air conditioners. I'm surprised that you can't fix your car."

"My manliness doesn't extend to the automobile department."

"It's cold out here. Can we get in the car?"

"Better yet, there a diner down the street. Hungry?"

I nodded enthusiastically.

The diner was small and everything, including the counters and the booths, had a yellowish tint to it as if it had been installed in the seventies. Belinda, our waitress, had big, teased hair and her eyes had been brutalized by a mascara wand. We ordered hot chocolate and flap jacks. My feet tapped in anticipation of the food.

"I'm sorry about Kevin. Ever since he started coming to meetings, he has this savior mentality. He jumps on all the new attendees and gropes them for information."

"Thankfully, he didn't grope me but if you hadn't interrupted when you did…"

"I was talking about figurative groping. If any physical groping occurred, I'd have to kick his teeth in." His hand passing over his eyes gave me time to let a quick grin slip in before he noticed. "I'm sorry about Jane, too. Like I said, she has some issues and I felt bad about it. She's on a slippery slope and I didn't want to be the cause of her ass hitting the ground."

I cleared my throat. "What kind of issues?"

He shrugged. "Daddy issues—looking for attention in all the wrong places and drowning her self in Jack Daniels until she gets hurt enough for someone to show concern for her." Belinda swung by and dropped off our hot chocolate. "She's asked me out several times and I got tired of turning her down so I told her that I didn't date…anyone. That didn't stop her from flirting but it kept her from asking. Then you introduced yourself as my girlfriend and it crushed her."

A pang of regret swelled in my chest. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just blurt that out but…"

His mouth twisted into a crooked smile. "But what?"

I squirmed in my seat and took a few long sips of my drink. Unable to make eye contact, I focused on tearing my napkin into shreds. "She's beautiful and she's, um, sexy and I guess I got a little territorial."

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Look at me." Reluctantly, I did as he instructed and met his eyes. "She's not who I want. I'm not really who she wants; she only thinks so because I'm there."

I shook my head slightly and mumbled, "Who wouldn't want you, Edward?"

"Here are your pancakes, kiddos." Belinda had impeccable timing—I had to give her that. "Do you guys need anything else?"

"Uh, no thank you," I told her.

She smiled brightly and walked away, her hips shaking with each step.

"Why are you so paranoid about me and other women, Bella?" he asked as he poured blueberry syrup on his pancakes. "I told you that I've never done this before."

"I don't know," I said, shame thick on my voice. "I've never really been the jealous type."

"Well, stop it. It's cute but it's also irritating."

"Okay, no more jealousy," I conceded with a sharp nod.

"You don't have to take all the jealousy out of the equation—just stop thinking that I've screwed every female that looks at me. I'm a man but I do have some self control."

"I've noticed," I said.

He narrowed his eyes a little as he smirked at me but he didn't continue the conversation. We ate the rest of our meal talking about little things: Emily's play that we were going to on Friday, Sammy's appointment with Early Intervention that was mostly thanks to Carlisle, and I asked him about his job. He wasn't thrilled about his career as a maintenance man but he'd said he'd been lucky that he was given the opportunity since good jobs were hard to come by when you were an ex-con.

"What would you do if you could do anything?" I asked him.

He grinned around a mouthful of pancake. "I'd go back to school for Social Work. Something about helping people, whether it's kids or adults, that just makes me feel like I'm worth the dust that I kick up with my boots."

I wanted to argue and tell him that he was worth it but we'd been through that conversation before and nothing I said convinced him otherwise.

When we got back to his car, we sat in the cold and waited for the tow truck to arrive. He'd given me a blanket that he kept in his trunk and I'd wrapped myself up in it but I was still shivering.

"Can I ask you why you don't trust yourself?" I asked, breaking the silence. He raised his eyebrows at me in question. "At the park, before we went to the shelter, you told me that you don't trust yourself."

"If we hadn't been on a cold bench in the middle of the park, I don't know if I could have stopped myself. You need someone who can treat you right and I honestly have no idea how to do that." He rubbed his palms over his face. "I can't imagine what you went through with that douche bag in Oklahoma and I don't want you to feel anything similar when…"

"I wouldn't feel that way with you." I hoped. _I prayed._

"You don't know that, Bella. It's not smart to get physical with another man when you still have that fresh in your mind."

Chewing on my bottom lip, I thought about it. "Maybe, that's exactly what I need."

He shook his head. "How do you figure that?"

"Because if I don't have someone who shows me how it's supposed to be, how can I know that it can be different? It's already been different with you, Edward."

"How so?"

I pulled the blanket tighter around myself, wondering how the hell I could talk to him about this without blushing like a school girl. How would I describe the deep ache I felt in my belly when his tongue slid against mine or the tingles on my skin when he'd touch me?

"When you kiss me, I feel, I don't know, different from any other time I've been kissed. Even before James left for Iraq, when he'd kiss me, it didn't…I didn't feel anything."

His eyes twitched in the darkness. He looked sinister. "What do you feel now?"

I groaned. "You're killing me, here. This is embarrassing."

He grinned. "I'm just trying to understand. If you don't want to answer, you don't have to."

Thankfully, I didn't have to answer him because the tow truck driver arrived shortly after. He was a large man with a handlebar moustache and a greasy mullet. We got out of the car and he asked where we wanted the car towed to. Edward gave him an address and the man started hooking up the car to his truck. A look of sadness passed through Edward's eyes as he watched his faithful lady being hooked up to chains and hoisted up onto her back rear wheels. I was proud to say that for the first time that night, I held back my jealousy over his involvement with another girl.

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><p><strong>AN- So, what did everyone think of Bella's jealousy issues? Is it refreshing that she's actually having normal girl feelings or is she going overboard? What did you think about the kiss? So, how many girls do you think Edward has actually been with? Just curious as to your thoughts. Huh, huh, HUH? **

**I appreciate any and all reviews! They're like crack (in a very non-addictive and still-able-to-function-in-my-everyday-life sort of way)! I'll see you on Thursday!**


	18. Chapter 17  Saved

_**My prereader, Softragoo, is the Leonardo to my Kate. Minus the big sinking boat. And the dying stuff. **_

_**Song Rec for this chapter is "Shelter" by The XX. I will post a link to the song on my Facebook Page. :)**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**_

_**This one is a doozie! PLEASE, keep in mind that this is seen through the eyes of Bella so some things might be a little distorted through her perspective. Ladies and Gentleman, meet Emmett...**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Seventeen<strong>_

"Would you hold still? I almost took your ear off!"

Edward covered his ear with his fingers as a protective measure. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

I rolled my eyes. "If you hold still and quit worrying, it will turn out decent."

"Decent?"

"It'll be awesome. Fantastic. You'll be the envy of every man on the planet."

Reluctantly, he took his hand down, leaving his ear vulnerable to the scissors I held firmly between my fingers. He'd just gotten out of the shower and the long hair on top was hiding half his face. If you ignored the inked wolf snout poking up from under the collar of his shirt, he looked remarkably innocent sitting on the stool in Rosalie's kitchen.

"I think you should give him a mohawk," Emily said with a grin.

Edward tensed. "If you even think—"

"Emily, go do your homework," I ordered. "If it's complete by the time I'm done here, we can watch _The Princess Bride_." I sighed, dramatically saying, "Again."

Her face brightened. "Will you act out the movie with me? I can be Buttercup and you can be Wesley."

Edward looked up at me, amusement crinkling the corners of his mouth. "Yeah, Bella, will you?"

I snipped the scissors at him, swiping at the air in an aggressive fashion.

"Yes, Emily, but we have to check your homework to make sure it's right before we do any re-enactments."

She scampered off down the hall in a rush.

Carefully, I began pulling up strands of soft, wet hair between my fingers and trimming it. It gave me free range to finally run my hands through the soft dark strands, taking my time as it glided between my fingers. Edward closed his eyes and let out a soft moan, oblivious to the fact that what I was doing had nothing to do with the hair cut.

Rose was at work. It was her last night at the strip club and she'd been eager to get it over with. Emmett was coming home next week and she was a hot mess. Ignoring Edward, she'd been deep cleaning every inch of the apartment like she was preparing for a visit from Queen Elizabeth. Every morning she could, she was out jogging with us and eating salad instead of hamburgers. It had paid off. While she still had curves and some extra weight around her waist, she looked leaner. She still worried, even though I told her that she looked perfect, and that I'd kill for her hips and her D cups. Then she told me that she'd kill for my perky ass. Then I'd tell her that her hair was at least manageable where as mine was dry and bland. Then she'd tell me that I had perfect skin and then would point out a zit that had formed on her nose overnight. The bickering didn't end until someone broke it up. Edward seemed amused by these fights so it was rarely him, unless he was hungry or tired. He told us that we were far more entertaining than anything he'd find on TV. Most of the time, it would be Emily who'd intervene and tell us that we were both stupid.

"Who is going to pick up Emmett?" I asked as I started snipping again.

His eyes remained closed as he answered. "Rose wants to go."

"Is she taking the kids?"

"I don't know," he said, shrugging lazily.

"We should watch them for her overnight so that they can get reacquainted," I offered.

"Like, in a hotel room?"

I nodded, even though he wasn't looking. "Yeah, in a hotel room. We could watch Sam and Em overnight so that they can spend time together. Alone."

"They'll have time together here," he said.

I peeked down the hallway to make sure that Emily was out of earshot. "Em is going to have a hard time with this. She hasn't had to share her Mom in a really long time and I have a feeling she's not going to like it."

"It'll take time for all of them but I think once Emily gets to know Emmett, she'll be fine. What makes you think she's going to have trouble with it?"

I moved around to trim the front, taking peeks at him as he remained defenseless behind closed lids. His dark lashes brushed his cheeks and his mouth was loose and sensual. I fought the urge to brush my lips against his, soft and warm and gentle. My stomach warmed and the goldfish fluttered.

"How'd you break your nose?" I asked.

His eyes snapped open and they widened. In all my shameless staring, I hadn't realized that my breasts were right in front of his face. My breath hitched and I went to jump away but his hands on the back of my thighs stopped me. He rarely touched me unless it was my back in a reassuring rub or my hand when he held it. His eyes moved over my breasts, up my chest and then his gaze met my eyes. My face flushed and my breath seemed to wheeze out of me. The large, warm palms on the back of my thighs pulled me gently closer to him. Inch by inch until his nose brushed against the side of my left breast.

The scissors dropped from my hand and onto the floor as I put my hands on his shoulders. His knee was wedged between my thighs and I could feel his warm breath against my nipple. Through a layer of shirt and bra, it felt like my nerves exploded. I bit back a moan. His palms slid up and down the backs of my legs, so close to my bottom. Internally, I struggled with old fears and a new rush of emotions that made me ache to have him touch me anywhere and everywhere. I'd been touched everywhere before but not with such gentleness.

Before I knew what was happening, Edward had my nipple in his mouth. Through the layers of clothing, I could feel it tighten and respond to the play of his lips. I wanted to cry out, curse, pull him closer but the best I could do was dig my fingers into the hard muscles of his shoulders.

Warmth pooled low in my belly. My muscles tightened and my knees shook. His hands moved over my rear and he kneaded his fingers into the flesh, pulling me flush against him in the process. When his mouth released my nipple, it was replaced with a strong palm. Then he moved on to the other side. My resolve fell to pieces and I would have given him anything in that moment. Everything that was woman inside of me was churning and stretching and responding to his touch.

Someone moaned; probably it was me. I wasn't really certain of anything because I was focused on fighting every rising instinct that my brain threw at me. What I wanted and what should be done were two different things. I should have pulled away. Emily was ten feet away in her room and Sam was doodling with Crayons in front of the TV. It was irresponsible. Inappropriate. But it felt so, so good. I wanted to tear off my shirt and feel how his mouth would wet my sensitive skin without the layer of cotton in his way. It would be warm and moist and delicious. I wanted to climb on him, straddle him, and search for luscious friction to appease the throbbing between my legs.

_Dirty…fucking…whore… _

The voice was in my brain but that didn't make it any less real. Suddenly Edward's mouth was someone else's. I felt the desire seep out of me like rotten honey and my throat seized with panic. With every ounce of internal strength, I willed myself to remain still and I wished the memories away. This was nothing like that…nothing at all…

_Get on your knees, you dirty…little…bitch… _

Edward's teeth pulled on my nipple and a flash of James rushed through my mind. I tried to focus on the here and now but I remembered James' teeth as he sunk them into my skin, leaving bite marks on my arms and torso. They never scarred and it pissed him off. He wanted the outline of his jaw to remain on my body forever just like the carving he's made on my back. He never doubted his ability to keep me as his own personal prisoner but if I ever got away from him, he made sure that I wouldn't forget him. Pain and helplessness flooded through me and suddenly, I wasn't in Chicago anymore but naked and on my knees in James' bed.

I focused on the weight of the leather bracelet on my wrist, the unbroken trinity. My fingers dug into Edward's shoulder and his lips broke free from my nipple. I whimpered; not at the loss of contact but from the painful struggle of good versus evil in my brain.

"You are so beautiful, Bella," he murmured against my breast. His voice brought me back. The sweet, husky whisper of Edward's voice brought me back from the past. All I could think about was that he was in front of me, and touching me gently. I wasn't in Oklahoma but in Chicago, surrounded by safe strong arms. "I'm going to take care of you, Bella. I promise you." His large hands moved from my bottom then down the back of my thighs. His nose moved seductively against the sensitive skin of the swell of my breast and I sucked in a breath. "…so beautiful."

"Bella!" Emily called from down the hall. Thank heavens for her desire to use her outside voice on the inside. "I'm done with my homework!"

"Oh shit," I hissed, backing away from Edward. I straightened my hair with my palms; whatever for, I wasn't sure. His hands hadn't gone up that far.

"Give me something…anything…" Edward whispered harshly.

I shot him a perplexed look and he pointed down at the large bulge between his hips. My eyes widened and I grabbed a book off the table. Just as Emily appeared in the kitchen, he covered himself and looked up at her innocently. My face, however, was as red as a barn.

"You're not finished yet?" she whined.

I cleared my throat. "Uh…I'm getting there."

She screwed up her face. "What's wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're all red and…twitchy," she observed.

I giggled. It was loud and hysterical.

"Okay." She drew out the word to accentuate our weirdness. "How close are you to being done?"

"Uh…" I looked at Edward's hair. "I'm halfway there."

"God, I have to go to bed in like a half hour!" Then she stormed back down the hallway.

I blew out a sigh of relief. "That was close."

He looked up at me and winked. "I was pretty close myself."

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><p>A week later, I was struggling to keep myself in check as I shelved books at work. I couldn't explain the reasoning behind my anxiety, except that a new person—a man—was soon to break up the perfect balance I had built with the people in my apartment building. I didn't know Emmett and he'd been in prison for ten years. Plus, from what Edward and Rose said, he was a pretty big dude. While I was thrilled for Rose to be getting her husband back, I was terrified of him.<p>

"Wool gathering?" Esme asked from behind me.

I turned to look at her. "Pardon?"

She shook her head and chuckled softly to herself. "It's a country saying that means you're lost in your own thoughts."

"Well, yeah, then I guess I'm wool gathering."

"Bad wool or good wool?"

"Honestly, I'm not really sure," I told her. "Rose's husband is coming home today. He should be there when I get home from work."

"That's a good thing, right? Rose told me about him over the phone a couple weeks ago." I raised my eyebrows in question. "She called to talk to Carlisle about something for Sam and we just started chatting. An hour passed before she actually got to speak to Carlisle and by that time, she'd forgotten what she called for." She giggled but then sobered quickly. "That girl is something, I tell you. I don't think I could do what she's done since her husband went to prison. She was so excited that Emmett was coming home and I can't blame her."

"I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit it but I'm scared, Esme."

"Scared of a man that you don't even know?"

I shelved a couple of books and said, "Rose said that he's a big guy and I can't help but think about how he's been in prison for ten years. What if he's violent? What if he screams at the kids?" I rubbed my face with my palms. "I'm such a horrible person."

Esme rolled her eyes. "You're not a horrible person. It's going to take time for everyone to adjust, including Emmett. He's going to be the one having to convince everyone around him that he's a decent guy. It's normal that you don't trust him, Bella, but you have to give him a chance."

I nodded. "I know and Edward keeps telling me that it's all going to be fine."

"You trust Edward, right?" I nodded again. "Well, then think about everything that he's taught you. You're stronger, mentally and physically." She groped my biceps with her fingers and I laughed. "Plus, Edward is going to be there. Rose is going to be there. Nothing about your relationship changes just because Emmett is there, right?"

"I hope not."

"Have faith, Bella."

Faith. Esme wanted me to have faith. It wasn't long ago that I'd lost my faith in all mankind but when I thought of Rose and Edward, the suggestion didn't seem so far fetched.

"Thanks Esme," I told her. "You're like my therapist, boss and friend all rolled into one. I feel like I should be paying you."

She quirked an eyebrow and playfully nudged me with her elbow. "That can be arranged."

The rest of the day flew by. Esme had recently started reselling music, mostly CD's. Customers would bring in their old CDs that they didn't listen to anymore and we'd offer them a price for them. Then we would clean them up and resell them, making a decent profit. It had become a huge hit. The music brought a different crowd of people in, and even those people ended up buying books. I'd even found a few CDs that Esme insisted that I took but I secretly rang myself up for them. By the time five o'clock rolled around, I was exhausted.

"I can't believe it's October fourteenth already. It'll be Halloween before we know it," Esme grumbled. "The years fly when you get old."

I snorted. "You're not old. You're probably around my dad's—"

Something invisible stabbed me hard in the chest. If today was October 14th, that made yesterday the 13th. October 13th was my dad's birthday. I'd missed it. How could I have missed it? I thought back to what I was doing yesterday and nothing stuck out in my mind that would have given me an excuse to forget. I'd even worked and had written the date countless times in our registry when taking in a new shipment of books.

"You okay?" Esme asked.

I swallowed and nodded, forcing a smile. "Yeah, I just remembered something that I was supposed to do yesterday. Something important." I forced my smile to grow as I tapped my temple with my finger. "I guess I'm getting old too, huh."

Esme narrowed an eye at me. "Oh, bite me, Bella. What are you, twenty five?"

Edward met me out front after I'd climbed the steps up to the street. My chest felt hollow. I wanted to cry. I wanted someone to hit me and make me feel the pain that I'd caused my dad. Not only had I not thought about calling him but he hadn't even ventured into my mind. My vision blurred.

Much to my dad's embarrassment, I made a big deal out of his birthday every year. Most times, I'd take him out to eat in Port Angeles and there'd be cake and singing. One time, when I was in high school, I got brave enough to throw him a surprise party. Apparently, that's a big no-no for someone carrying a loaded pistol. The general rule is let them take the gun off first, then jump out and yell "surprise!" Luckily, my dad is quick on his feet and didn't get as far as pulling the trigger.

"I don't even get a kiss," Edward teased as I walked silently by him to his car.

I tried really hard to give him a smile and blink away my tears but Edward was perceptive.

"What happened?" He put his hands on my shoulders and bent to look into my eyes. I closed them. "Bella, tell me what the fuck happened."

"I forgot…I forgot…" I couldn't get the words out. Shame and guilt filled my chest like a balloon being filled with heavy air.

"What? You forgot what?" His tone was calmer, as if there was nothing in the world that I could have forgotten to be grounds for such panic.

"My dad's birthday was yesterday," I murmured.

Edward sighed. "You scared the life out of me."

My eyes popped open. "I forgot my dad's birthday," I repeated.

He nodded and wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. "I heard you. Do you think that's reason to go all pale and shaky? I thought that…"

"I can't imagine what he thinks," I mumbled. "How could I forget?"

Edward pulled me to his chest, his strong arms so tight around me that I could barely breathe. "Your dad would understand, Bella. If anyone has reason to forget, it's you."

I tried to shake my head but I was too constricted. "I have no excuse, Edward. Even if I couldn't have called him, I should have at least wished him a happy birthday in my mind."

"He probably doesn't even like birthdays," Edward said against the top of my head.

I choked out a laugh. "He detests them but every year since my mom left, I try to make it special for him."

His hand swept up my back in a comforting gesture. It worked a little.

"You mean, you try to embarrass him."

I pulled away and bit back a grin. "I do not." He raised his eyebrows suspiciously. "Okay, maybe I do a little."

"You remembered it now," he said, pulling me back to his chest. The feel of him wrapped around me was a calming salve to an open wound. "Why don't you just call him? You can block your number."

I shook my head. "I can't. James is there."

"I'll dial and ask for your dad. If that shithead answers the phone, it'll give me a chance to tell him to leave you the fuck alone."

On the ride home, I thought about what it would be like to talk to my dad. What would I tell him? If James wasn't there anymore, would I tell him where I was? No, because he could still be listening, tapped into the phone line somehow. It was risky but the thought of hearing his voice was enough to help me make up my mind.

After we'd gotten settled at the apartment, I told Edward that I was going to take him up on his offer.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. "We need to hurry if we're going to do this. Rose is expecting us over there for dinner in ten minutes and you know how she gets."

I handed him my phone and told him my phone number, making sure that he pressed the code first for the block. As he held it to his ear, my breath caught in my chest and my hands shook.

"It's the machine," Edward said, handing it back to me.

I snatched it out of his hand and stared at it. "What do I do?"

Edward raised his eyebrows and gave me a "duh" look. "Leave a message."

"Oh, right, of course," I said dumbly and then put the phone to my ear just in time to hear a beep.

"Uh, Dad, it's me, Bella…uh, I just wanted to let you know that I'm safe. I'm okay. I hope you are too. Oh, and Happy Birthday." I giggled nervously. "Uh, I miss you and I will see you soon." I put my finger on the end button but quickly put it back up to my ear. "I love you, Dad."

"Nicely done," Edward said, squeezing my thigh with his hand. "You okay?"

"Yeah, actually, I'm good. Thank you. I just hope that he gets the message."

Using his fingers, he tilted my chin up and kissed me gently. "If he doesn't, I'm sure he knows that you're thinking of him."

On the walk to Rose's, I fisted my hand in the back of Edward's shirt. "I should have brought something; a casserole, maybe."

He contorted his face into puzzlement. "It's Rose, for fuck's sake. Why would you bring a casserole?" I shrugged helplessly. He turned and put his hands on my shoulders and gave them a comforting squeeze. "Emmett is the only person in that apartment that you don't know."

"From what I've heard, Emmett is a pretty big dude."

He narrowed an eye. "Even if he tried, do you think I'd let him touch you?"

I gnawed on my bottom lip and shook my head.

"Rose is still Rose and she loves you. Let's go in and celebrate with her."

"Okay," I sighed. "Let's do it."

After he knocked, the door swung open revealing a frantically happy Rose. Her hair was flattened into a high ponytail and she had a light layer of makeup on. She was beaming with excitement. That alone relaxed my nerves.

"Come on in, guys!"

Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me through the door and into the living room. Sammy waddled toward us, his hands flapping with excitement and his toothy grin speaking volumes of his enthusiasm.

"Bebba!" he squealed.

I picked him up and hugged him.

"He used to run for me," Edward grumbled with a pout. "Now he runs for you. That's so not fair."

I laughed and gave Sam a peck on the cheek. He giggled and reached for Edward.

"That's my boy!"

"Hey! You must be Bella!" Emmett was exactly what he'd been described as: A really big dude. He walked toward me and I bit back the urge to cower. "I'm Emmett, in case you didn't already know."

His large hand stuck out toward me and I flinched back, enough for Edward to notice but Emmett seemed oblivious. I felt Edward's palm on the small of my back and it gave me courage to accept his handshake. He had colored tattoos snaking up and down both arms and a large scar across his right eyebrow. Dangerous, would be a way I'd describe him if I could choose any adjective. The only thing that kept my legs from knocking together was his grin; it matched Sammy's perfectly.

"Nice to finally meet you, Emmett," I offered in a shaky voice.

"I'm starving!" Emmett clapped his hands in a let's-get-this-show-on-the-road sort of way. I jumped and let out a quiet yelp. He didn't seem to notice. "Let's eat!"

We gathered around the table and I sat stiffly next to Edward who had dropped Sam into his newly acquired booster seat. Emmett sat between Sam and Emily who were watching him intently—Sam out of pure fascination of a newcomer and Emily out of a mixture of what looked like animosity and curiosity. Rose put dinner on the table and we all stared at it.

"Well, dig in!" she announced.

"You want chicken?" Emmett asked Emily.

She reached for the serving fork. "I can get it myself."

"Okay, cool," he said. "What about you Sammy? You like chicken?"

Sammy blinked at Emmett.

"He likes it; just make sure you cut it up for him," Rose told him.

Edward didn't waste time in the digging-in process. He had food on his plate and was shoveling it in his mouth before I could count to three. Emmett cut up some chicken and put it on the plate in front of his son. Sam proceeded to watch Emmett with distrustful eyes, especially when he put a couple spears of broccoli on his plate next to his mangled chicken.

Emmett was trying. I had to give him credit for that.

"You gotta eat your broccoli. It'll make you big and strong like daddy," he cooed to the toddler who was now frowning at his plate. "You know what sound a chicken makes, don't you Sammy?"

Sammy looked across the table at his mom and stuck his bottom lip out; a precursor to tears. Emmett proceeded to "Bak!" like a chicken which made Sam think twice about pouting. When his dad started flapping his arms and jerking his head back and forth, performing a fantastic impression of the bird, he'd won the little boy over. Sam giggled and giggled some more as Emmett made a fool out of himself in front of the entire table. Even Emily was fighting the urge to smile.

Out of sheer excitement, Sammy grabbed a hold of a broccoli spear and sent it flying. It hit Emmett right between the eyes and bounced into the mashed potatoes. For a moment, I held my breath. We were all used to Sam's daily food fights but Emmett wasn't. My bite of chicken sat in my mouth as I watched for his reaction. Rose covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes dancing with amusement. Edward finished off his potatoes.

Sam's eyes widened as Emmett turned his narrowed eyes in his direction. Then there was squealing and tickling and some grumbling coming from deep in Emmett's throat. Tension leaked from the room as Sam was tickled within an inch of his life. Even Emily's smile had broken through.

I let out a sigh of relief and started eating. Edward squeezed my thigh under the table in a told-you-so gesture. He was right; the rest of the night was spent with Emmett doing weird barn animal imitations. It wasn't what I expected of him but it pleased me, none-the-less. After the kids had gotten settled in bed and the men were in the living room watching TV, I had to time to talk to Rose in the kitchen as she packed Emily's lunch for the next day.

"So…" I made the word long and meaningful.

Rose's lips twitched as she lathered a piece of white bread with mustard. "So…what?" I quirked an eyebrow until she met my eyes. Then she had the audacity to look innocent. "It's been good."

"How good?"

She gasped. "Bella, a good girl doesn't talk about such things."

"Well, lucky for me that you're not a good girl, Rosalie. You had a whole night to yourselves after you picked him up. Are you still worried about…you know?"

Her tongue made a quick pass over her top teeth. "I'm happy to say that I had nothing to worry about in the first place." Her eyes widened. "The man is an animal."

"Is he...um, he doesn't hurt you, right?"

She made some sort of noise that I didn't know how to decipher. "Hurt me? Oh, Bella, he makes it hurt in all the right places."

This comment had me wishing that I'd kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to know details. Well, maybe I did but there was no way I would admit it. My history mixed in with the way I felt about Edward left me in quite a predicament. Nothing about sexual intimacy made my toes curl but the thought of Edward finding pleasure with my body was enticing.

I took a risk and asked, "What does that even mean?"

"It means that the man knew how to please me ten years ago and apparently, he has a wicked memory. There wasn't a place on my body that his tongue didn't feel the need to reacquaint itself with." She smiled and I blushed at the thought of Emmett's tongue on her neck, her breasts, her…_ohmygod_.

I cleared my throat and tried to act natural. "You feel better, then…about the whole Emmett-not-wanting-you thing."

She sighed. "I'm the happiest I've been in a really long time. In fact, I've never been happier, to be honest."

"How's Emily dealing with it?"

"She'll come around," she murmured as she stuffed her lunch box with a tiny bag of chips and a fudge round.

I took a fudge round for myself and took a huge bite.

"So, what about you?"

"What about me?" I said around the bite.

She grinned wickedly. "Is Edward's dick as big as he claims it is?"

My lungs got an invasion of half-chewed, gooey chocolate and I clutched onto my throat. I couldn't breathe. My eyes nearly bugged out of my skull and I tossed the half-eaten cookie at Rose because she wasn't looking at me.

"Bella? Bella!" She pounded me hard on the back as I tried desperately to suck in air.

It was a helpless feeling—not being able to breathe. Every time he'd screw me, I'd get the belt around the neck treatment. He'd tug as he spilled into me, groaning and growling with each rough invasion into my body. I'd never forget how he'd forget sometimes that I couldn't breathe as he basked in the aftershocks of his orgasm. I wasn't allowed to remove it myself, he'd made that rule clear. But sometimes, my will to live outweighed the risk factor and I'd claw it away from my throat so that I could inhale the sweet, sweet oxygen. Sometimes, he'd apologize for it and sometimes it would piss him off. Then afterwards, I'd feel his warm seed seeping from inside me, down my thighs and onto the mattress. It was a miracle that I'd never gotten pregnant. It was the only thing that had made me believe that God still had some control in my situation. It was enough to make me swear off sex for the rest of my life. How could something so disgusting make Rosalie grin like the cat that ate the canary?

Rose pounded me on the back again, hard enough to rattle my teeth.

"Holy fucking shit! Emmett!"

I clawed at my neck for the non-existent leather strap.

"What?" he yelled from the living room, obviously too comfortable to get out of his recliner.

"Get the fuck in here! Bella is choking!"

If I hadn't been fighting for breath, I probably would have found this situation really embarrassing. Who chokes on a fudge round? Three year olds and the elderly—that's who.

The men hustled in, both of them with looking concerned. Emmett got to me first, took my hand and raised it above my head. Then he proceeded to shake my entire arm. I patted my throat, emphasizing the fact that I was actually dying.

"Christ!" Edward growled as he pushed Emmett out of the way. He grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me around, then Heimliched me until the chocolate goop was forced up my throat. It landed with a splat against the fridge and it slowly seeped down until it stopped, as if it had given up on its journey to the floor.

I coughed and gasped for air as Edward turned me around in his arms so that he was holding me up. My eyes watered and I thought that I was going to lose my dinner, chicken and all.

"Calm down, baby, calm down," he whispered in my ear. "Breathe slow and easy, Bella."

"What?" Rose asked defensively. I wondered which one of them was giving her the accusing glare. "That's the last time I ask her about Edward's girth."

"Dammit, Rose," Edward growled. "How the fuck is that your business?"

"Fuck you, Edward," she spat calmly. "She was asking about me and Emmett so I thought it was only polite to reciprocate."

I pulled away from Edward, trying to swallow the pain of my raw throat away. Rose handed me a glass of water and I thanked her.

"Wait! Wait! Wait!" Emmett said, holding up his hands in a let's-stop-this-bullshit manner. Then he turned to Edward with raised eyebrows and pointed to me. "You're hittin' that, my man?"

Rose gaped at Emmett. Edward ran a palm over his face and cursed under his breath for a good thirty seconds. I bit back a grin as tears fell down my cheeks. This entire family should be a reality show, I decided.

"I'm just sayin'…" An award winning grin spread over Emmett's face. "Niiice."

Emmett's wife didn't appreciate the "nice" comment as much as I did so she pinched him on his side.

"Ouch! Damn, girl!"

"You okay, Bella?" Edward asked in an annoyed tone. "I'm sorry we live next to a couple of shitheads."

I wiped choking-tears from my eyes. "I'm good. Thanks for saving my life."

Edward shot me a smug grin. "Just another day in life of Edward Masen."

* * *

><p>For the next couple of weeks, we got to know Emmett. Rose seemed to be in heaven, having him home with her. She told me once that she was pretty sure she was dreaming and she made me pinch her. Emily was still having a difficult time with his presence and I meant to sit down and talk to her about it, see if I could make her feel better about him but the time never presented itself. We'd been spending less time at their apartment, trying to give the family some privacy to settle in.<p>

Emmett had started working with his brother, Brad. I'd met the guy once in passing and he didn't seem like the friendly type. He barely glanced at me when Emmett introduced us, which was fine by me. While it was nice of him to give Emmett a job, I didn't trust his good intentions. There was something sinister about him that I didn't like.

"I promised Rose I'd come over tonight to try and talk to Emily," I told Edward after he'd picked me up from work. Esme had been gracious enough to change my schedule so that Edward would be able to drop me off and pick me up without it interfering with his job. In fact, the only time I wasn't with Edward was when I was at work or if I went over to Rosalie's to visit without him. And Sundays. He hadn't asked me to go with him again and I wasn't going to make the request. It was his thing and it didn't offend me when he didn't want my company. As he'd told me that day, it gave him time to himself, time to think. It worried me that when he came home, he was quiet and didn't talk about his day. I knew those damn meetings got to him. If those heart wrenching verbal autobiographies made _me_ feel like shit, I can't imagine what it did to him. I wished that he'd talk to me but he never did; I wasn't going to push him.

"How long are you going to be over there?" Edward whined as he wrapped a strong arm around my waist and pulled me against him. As usual—with his touch—my heart picked up its pace in my chest.

"Not long," I said grinning up at him. "Rose thought that Emily might tell me what is going through that smart little brain of hers. She's still having a hard time with Emmett being there."

Edward kissed me gently. "I'll make dinner tonight."

"Really?"

"Yep. Bet you didn't know that I could cook. I have many hidden talents that you aren't aware of. In fact, I make a mean…uh—"

"Pepperoni and mushroom," I told him then added, "thin crust, please."

His expression flattened. "You want breadsticks?"

As I raised my knuckle to knock on their door, I heard yelling coming from inside. Emmett's voice was like a rumble of angry thunder. My hands tightened into fists. The muscles surrounding my bones shook and tightened as my fight or flight response took over. I knew what I should do. I knew what I could do. I needed to go get Edward, tell him to make sure Rose was okay. Two things stopped me: One, Edward was adamant about staying out of our neighbor's business since Emmett came back home and two, the difference in time that it would take for me to convince him to come over could make the difference. In a second, a fist to the jaw could do serious damage.

I tried the door and it wasn't locked. Brad was sitting in the living room, biting into an apple. The sound of Emmett's voice was ten times more terrifying after the barrier of the door was gone. The small but defiant voice of Rosalie bounced off of his; a rich contrast of two voices.

"I'd leave them alone," Brad mumbled through a chunk of apple. "Emmett's pretty pissed."

"Why the fuck wouldn't you tell me, Rose?" Emmett screamed. "Do you know what it's like to find something like that out from strangers?"

"When was I supposed to tell you, Emmett? While you were in prison or the minute you got out? That would have been fantastic news for you, huh?" Rose's voice echoed off the linoleum of the kitchen.

"Rose dropped by the warehouse today. Some of the guys recognized her from the club." Brad shrugged then grinned at me. "I'm surprised considering they really didn't look at her from the tits up. I recognized her the first moment I laid eyes on her but I didn't want to be the one to rub it in his face. If that was my woman who was whoring around behind my back while I served time, I'd put a fist through the wall."

I didn't think before I spoke. If I had, I never would have said it. "Do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up. You don't know anything about Rosalie."

He snorted and tossed the apple into a tiny trash can. "I know that I've seen her naked before I even knew that she was my sister-in-law. Emmett needs to put her in her place."

"You're an asshole."

He shrugged in response which only pissed me off more.

The yelling was getting louder and now there was name calling. Where were the kids? I didn't see either of them in the living room. There's no way Rose would allow them to be in the kitchen. She must have handed Sam off to Emily and sent her to the bedroom.

"Why don't you go home?" I hissed at Brad. "This is none of your business."

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "And it's yours?"

I ignored him and moved slowly into the kitchen. My heart pounded in my chest as I caught sight of them. Emmett had Rose trapped in a corner. My knees wobbled and my breath shook as I concentrated on keeping myself upright. Emmett's shoulders were wider than the refrigerator and his arms were the size of my legs. He would kill her if he hit her, especially with how angry he was. His hands were already balled into fists at his sides, prepared to take action if his temper snapped one bit over the breaking point.

"I went to fucking prison for you, Rosalie!" Emmett growled. "If you needed money, I could have found a way to get it for you! Instead, you went behind my back and…and…shook your tits in men's faces for some easy cash. Son of a bitch!"

Rose narrowed her eyes at him. "Keep your fucking voice down, Emmett! Just because Sam and Emily are in the bedroom, it doesn't mean that they can't hear you!"

Emmett slammed his fist into a cupboard door and it bounced open. I jumped and looked around the room for potential weapons.

"I don't give a fuck what anyone hears," he growled.

Rosalie sneered. "They're your children, Emmett. You should give a fuck."

My eyes scanned the room, and they widened at the sight of a metal skillet that was sitting on the counter. It was empty. Rose must have been getting ready to make dinner.

"How did you think I was paying for our rent, Emmett? Do you think I could pay the bills and support two children on my own on a waitressing salary? Are you_ that_ freaking stupid? You never even asked me how I was paying the bills. Deep down, I think you knew…"

I couldn't see Emmett's face but I would bet money that he was sneering at his wife. Her words hit too close to home.

"You think that I knew and would allow this?" he seethed.

My fingers curled around the cold handle of the skillet and I held it firm against my palm. Neither of them knew I was there. I wasn't even sure what I intended to do until I saw Emmett raise his fist into the air. He may have been going for the cupboard door again but I couldn't risk that the blow would find Rosalie's face. I knew too much about how that felt to allow it to happen to someone else, someone I loved.

The clang of the metal hitting Emmett on the back of the head reverberated around the room. It was like the singular gong of a church bell. The skillet vibrated in my hand from the force of the blow and I forced air into and out of my lungs. I expected Emmett to crumple at Rose's feet. Maybe he'd wake up in an hour with a headache and a boot out the door. But no, he didn't fall. There was no falling. He simply ducked his head and slowly put his hand on the part of his scalp that had met the metal.

Rose clasped her hand over her mouth and looked from me to him then back to me. Her eyes crinkled. _Was she grinning?_

"What. The fuck?" Emmett ground out as he turned around.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my skull as I back pedaled slowly away from him.

He sneered when he saw me and then narrowed his eyes at the skillet that was still shaking in my hand. A tremor ran down my body and my breath caught in my lungs. Different scenarios ran through my head, none of them good and all of them ending in my blood being spilled on the floor. Rose couldn't stop him. Brad wouldn't stop him.

"Emmett…" Rose finally spoke. She grabbed his arm and he shrugged her off. "Emmett, she was afraid for me."

His thick dark brows twitched at her words but other than that, I had no idea if he heard her or not. Then he started stomping toward me and I whimpered, still back-stepping until I hit something hard. A wall. No, it wasn't a wall unless walls grew arms because that's exactly what snaked in front of me in a protective motion.

"Emmett," Edward warned.

Edward. He was always saving me; from myself, from fudge rounds and now from a huge and angry ex-con who could crush me with his pinky. How did I find myself in these situations? Maybe I did it on purpose to wake up the goldfish in my stomach because they'd started fluttering as soon as Edward moved me behind him tenderly.

Vaguely, I registered Brad's snicker in the doorway. More than anything, I wanted to shake the skillet at him in warning but I didn't want to push my luck. Brad wasn't as big as Emmett or Edward but he could still do some damage.

Emmett paused and frowned deeply at Edward. "She hit me." He sounded a little like he was tattle-tailing.

"She was scared, Em," Rose offered calmly. "She thought you were going to hit me."

Shock took over his face as he turned to Rose. "Hit you? Why would I…you didn't think I'd hit you, did you?"

Rose grabbed Emmett's hand and squeezed. "No, but I know you; Bella doesn't."

He cocked his head to look around Edward and I stepped out from behind him.

"I'm sorry, Emmett. I just…" I stuttered. "I hope I didn't hurt you."

He rubbed the back of his head with his palm. "For a tiny girl, you got a hell of a swing."

Brad interrupted. "Well, since this is turning into a Hallmark movie, I'm out of here."

Emmett shooed him away with a flick to his wrist. "I thought you fucking left twenty minutes ago."

Brad smiled. "Love you too, Bro."

I looked at Edward apologetically and he kissed me on the forehead.

"Bella," Emmett said, hunkering down to meet my eyes. "I'd never, ever hit Rose, okay? I promise you that. If I ever did—which I'd never do—I'd welcome a thousand whacks on the head like that because I'd deserve it."

"Thanks, though, girl," Rose said and then pumped her fist. "That was awesome!"

Emmett scowled at her and I let out a nervous laugh.

"What? It was. She did awesome."

"I really am sorry, Emmett." It was a lie because I really wasn't. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I thought that there was a chance that I could prevent a friend from being hit by a man.

"Hey, you know, shit happens," he mumbled, continuing to rub his head.

"I have to go check on the kids." Rose took off down the hallway toward the bedrooms.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," I told them. It was an easy enough excuse to get away from Emmett. The tension had faded from his body but there was still a glint in his eyes, watching me like he didn't trust me. When I got out of sight, I stopped for a moment to catch my breath.

What had I just done? I'd hit a two hundred and fifty pound man in the head with a frying pan. That's what I'd just done. I was either insane or really, really brave. Probably a little of both.

"What's your fucking problem, Emmett?" Edward asked in hushed whisper.

I peeked around the corner to spy on Edward and Emmett's conversation. It was wrong but too tempting to ignore.

Emmett narrowed his eyes at Edward. "You knew that she was working in that titty bar and you didn't tell me."

Edward put his hands on his hips. "What would you have done about it?"

"That's the thing," Emmett sighed. "There's nothing that I could have done. I'm going to have to look for a new job."

"What?"

"I can't go to that place every day, wondering which one of those motherfuckers has seen my wife naked. Fuck, even my own brother…shit!"

"You need this job, man," Edward said and shook his head. "You have to get past it."

"Would you be able to get past it?" Emmett paused for a moment to let the question sink it. "Could you get past it if it were Bella?"

My entire body stiffened at the mention of my name.

Edward's jaw ticked. "It's different with Bella."

"How is it different?"

"Rose is your wife and you have two kids to think about. Bella and I aren't—"

"Don't give me that shit. If you were standing in my boots, working with a bunch of dickheads who saw Bella naked more than you had in the past ten years, would you be able to get past it?" Edward opened his mouth to reply but Emmett cut him off. "What would you do if your boss, your brother, thought it was funny shit to describe Bella's body to you in detail?"

"Brad said that shit about Rosalie?"

Emmett nodded. "Oh, yeah, he thinks it's a riot."

Edward wiped his palms over his face.

"You're that pissed about this being about Rose. What would you do if it were Bella?"

The silence closed in around us and I was sure that they could sense me there, peering at them from around the corner of the wall. Edward's hands were clenched at his sides and he swallowed, the knot in his throat bobbing up and down.

"I'd fucking kill him."

Those four words bothered me. As reassuring it was to know that Edward felt that strongly about me, I hoped that he was over-exaggerating. To anyone else, it may be no big deal but to me—who had a lunatic trying to hunt me down—it meant so much more. If James found me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if Edward was hurt or sent back to prison while trying to protect me. It didn't sit well with me.

After we'd said our goodbyes to our neighbors and went back to Edward's apartment, I chewed on my nails in an effort to keep my thoughts to myself. Not only did I not want him to know that I had been spying on his and Emmett's conversation, I didn't know if I wanted to know an answer to my question: Was he serious?

"What's up?" Edward asked as lay down next to me on the bed. The mattress dipped and I almost rolled toward him but I grasped the fitted sheet to hold myself steady.

"Nothing," I replied.

He narrowed an eye. "Okay. Let me rephrase. What's on your mind?"

"What makes you think there's something on my mind?"

With one swift move, he grabbed my hand and removed my thumb from my mouth. "You're gnawing on yourself. It's never good when you gnaw on yourself."

"Promise not to be mad?"

"I'll do my best."

"No, I want a promise."

"Okay," he sighed, "I promise."

I sat up on the bed and crossed my legs, Indian style. "I overheard your conversation with Emmett."

He furrowed his brows, thinking back to the conversation and probably wondering to himself which part of it worried me. His conclusion was incorrect.

"Rose and Emmett are going to be fine. He's going to look for another job, and I can't blame him but he's going to stick it out with his brother until he can find something."

"That's good."

He cocked his head. "And that wasn't it, was it."

"Just promise me that you wouldn't put yourself in danger if something were to happen."

"What do you mean by that?"

"If James finds me, don't do anything to get yourself hurt and don't do anything that you're going to regret."

His expression changed as he remembered the part of the conversation that I was referring to. "I'm not going to let him hurt you again, no matter what." He put his hand on my knee. "There's no way I'm going to promise not to kill him if he ever comes near you."

I trailed my fingers through the soft hair of his forearm. "I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened to you because of me, Edward."

"Don't worry about me," he said softly. "I'm not going to let him hurt you again."

Just like that, I knew I loved him. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. The feel of his hand moving over my hip made my muscles tense, then relax. I deepened the kiss, enjoying the power that I felt as I leaned over him. He moaned as my tongue slid over his lips and I pulled on his bottom lip with my teeth—something he'd taught me. My desire to make him feel good was overwhelming as I pulled my leg around his hips and straddled him without even breaking the contact between our lips. His hands caught my hips and he attempted to push me off but I wasn't going this time. I had him. My body quaked. In an instinctive motion, I moved over him and felt him between my legs, hard and hot. My mind raced and my stomach tightened with the sick memories of the last time I'd had a man between my legs. But now, I was with Edward and he deserved this. If I could give him this, then why shouldn't I?

It was amazing what the human brain could do. I'd blocked out plenty of pain, separated myself from what was happening to me at the hands of man who claimed that he loved me. The feeling I got when Edward relaxed beneath me and swept his hand up my side toward the sensitive skin of my breast was a mixture of anticipation and fear.

_I could get through this_, I repeated in my head with sheer determination. Edward had helped me through the most difficult time in my life and I loved him. I possessed the power to make him feel good, to give his body release and I would get through it.

The mechanics of it weren't a mystery to me, even though I'd never enjoyed it. James had at least taught me that much. A little friction on the sensitive hard muscle between their legs would get them going. I shifted my body against his and he moaned. My sensitive center panged and before I could stop myself, I moaned softly. His hand cupped my breast over my clothes. I pulled my shirt off and was met with blazing green eyes that made sweat bubble up on my forehead.

"You don't…you shouldn't…" His voice was a whisper as he took in my bare chest.

I swallowed and tried to relax my muscles even though I was on that fine line of panic attack and continuing my exploration of Edward's body. It shouldn't feel this way; the panic was exhausting. Edward's eyes took me in, roamed up my navel over my chest and then into my face. He was good at reading me. The fear had to be somewhere on my face, I was sure of it, so I didn't give him time to seek it out. I leaned over him, pressing my breasts into his warm torso and kissed him.

At first, his hands lingered on my hips but then hesitantly moved up my ribcage and then covered my nipples. I sucked in a breath when his thumbs moved gently across my hardened peaks. It felt good. I wanted it to feel good. I needed it to feel good. My hips moved into him again and he cursed softly against my mouth.

"Ah, fuck…" With a tender force, he pushed me away from him. "Bella, we have to stop."

I covered my chest with my arm. "I want to, Edward."

His palms made a sweep over his face. "Please don't…"

A regretful wave of relief flooded through me as I rolled off of him but my body had been ready. My breathing was irregular and my pulse raced. I couldn't help but feel a pang of rejection, like a sharp wound across my chest. With a sigh, I rolled on my side with my back to him. Tears burned in my eyes and I fought to control my breath. Edward panted behind me, trying to bring his self down from the obvious desire. Physically, he wanted me but emotionally…

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." My fucking voice broke and I felt him shift closer to me on the mattress.

"I know what you're thinking and you better kick that out of your head right now."

"I'm clean, Edward. I got tested at the clinic a couple months ago." He groaned and the sound of knuckle grazing over stubble reverberated around the room while I continued to spout out facts about the welfare of my privates. "They gave me birth control, too. I'm not even sure if I can have children since I never…I wasn't on anything in Oklahoma. Nothing happened then. It's possible that I'm infertile. I've never been checked or—"

"Bella," he interrupted. "That's not the reason that I stopped you."

There was only one other reason. "Are-are you disgusted?"

The pregnant pause that filled the room seemed to last hours.

"Am I disgusted?" he asked. A tear fell down my cheek and onto the pillow. My own arms tightened around my own body. The sheen of sweat on my skin had suddenly turned into a chilly blanket and I shivered.

I cleared my throat, willing it to sound strong and neutral. "Yeah, you know, I wouldn't blame you if the thought of…being with me like that is repulsive. I would probably be repulsed. He used my body for nine months and…well, I'm not exactly pure anymore."

My jaw clenched and I closed my eyes. The pain in my chest was nearly unbearable as I listened to the sound of his breathing. I had hit the nail on the head; spoken his thoughts out loud for him so that he wouldn't have to do it himself.

I jumped when the feel of his fingertip glided down my back, his skin barely making contact with mine. How had I forgotten the carvings on my back? It was in full view for him, like a twisted portrait of the past year of my life. It was something that I'd have forever, a torturous reminder that I'd never be the same girl: Charlie Swan's daughter whose favorite flavor of ice cream is strawberry and doesn't need reassurance from anyone.

After he finished tracing the **_M_**, he finally spoke. "Do you know what I thought the first time I saw this on your back?" His fingertip moved down the long crooked body of the **_I_** as I shook my head. "Well, besides the initial reaction to find the fucker and introduce his skull to a hammer, I saw this and God, Bella, I wondered how on earth someone could go through what you did and still be the person you are." His touch was like fire on the scars and the memory of that day raged into my brain like a monster. A sob shook my body as he completed the **_N_**. "I don't know anyone who has the will to live and the strength to rebuild your life like you have. I sure as fuck don't." I let out a snort followed by a sniffle as his fingertip traced over the last crooked line of the **_E_**.

Using his hand on my shoulder he rolled me around to face him. I kept my arm tightly pressed to my breasts in an effort to save face. He yanked the comforter up over me, in place of the guard of my arm. The warmth of his breath flooded over me as he hovered above me, bracing his weight on an elbow. "I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me if I'm disgusted by you." He kissed my nose and my wet cheeks and my forehead. "You are far too good for me. If you knew how hard it was for me to keep my…self contained, you'd laugh at how much power you have over me. You're not ready for this yet, Bella."  
>I sniffed. "So, you don't want to have sex because you think I'm too good for you?"<p>

"Are you listening to a word that I'm saying?" He leaned down and suckled my earlobe. I couldn't deny the chills that claimed my entire body nor could I help the way my eyes rolled into the back of my skull. "Fuck, you're so sweet. You have no idea how much I want to rip your clothes off and bury myself inside you. Stop saying that I don't want you because, oh Christ, I do." He nuzzled my hair with his chin and inhaled the scent. "I don't want you to be afraid of me, Bella and I can see it in your eyes. You're not ready and there's no fucking way that I'm pushing you, no matter how ready you say you are."

"You're always saving me, Edward," I whispered, "even from myself. You must really care about me or maybe you just like playing hero."

He snorted. "I'm nobody's hero."

I didn't argue, partially because dismissing the "hero" status was just an Edward thing to do. But it was true and there was nothing he could say or do to make me believe otherwise.

* * *

><p><em><strong>A<em>_N: So, there was a little bit of everything in this one. Bella is trying so hard to focus on the present instead of the past. She'll get there, I promise. Thank you for the patience in the meantime! It means a lot to me that ya'll are trusting me by sticking it out through all the angst. :)**_

_**I'm not sure how I'm going to do with review replies this weekened. I'm doing some aggressive potty-training on my little munchkin'. Every thirty minutes to the potty. He's a challenge but I love him to pieces. So, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to be on the computer but I will try! I promise!**_

_**What did you think of Emmett? Everyone is anticipating James to show up but I'm not giving anything away. Mmwwuuaah *evil laugh*! I appreciate all the support and I value every single word of each review! Thank you guys for reading! **_


	19. Chapter 18  Take it all

_**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews and support for my adventures in potty training. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one with a stubborn little weasel. LOL! **_

_**My prereader, Softragoo, is my sunshine in the dead of winter. **_

_**Song Rec: "My Body is a Cage" by Arcade Fire**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Eighteen<strong>_

"Last piece is yours."

I groaned and rubbed my distended stomach. "I can't do it. Too much pizza. Must not eat more pizza."

Edward raised his eyebrows. "Are you turning down pizza? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Don't make fun or I'll vomit on you. I promise you, I will."

He grabbed the last slice and bit off the end.

"By the way, did Rose mention to you that they were going out Saturday night? She's taking Emmett to the club where Jake DJs." I paused before continuing, "She asked me if we wanted to tag along."

"What did you say?"

I shrugged. "I told her that I'd ask you about it."

"Do you want to go?"

"Part of me does and part of me doesn't. It'll be crowded since it'll be Saturday so I'm a little anxious about that but it would be good to get out. Jake has been hounding me for weeks to come see him."

He shifted uneasily on the couch. "I thought maybe we could go out tomorrow night. Dinner. Movie. Something date-like."

My eyebrows twitched upwards. "Really? Are you asking me out on our very first date?'

"Don't you think it's about time, considering I've already made a habit of exploring your tonsils with my tongue every night?"

I squeezed his knee with my fingers and he flinched involuntarily. "You're so romantic."

"So?"

"I'd love to go out with you, Edward. As long as you promise not to lax on the exploration part of our date," I teased.

Saturday rolled around fast and as soon as I got home from work, I retreated to the bathroom to get ready. Edward plopped down in front of the TV in his everyday clothes: A white t-shirt and jeans. His hair was still damp from a shower so I wondered if that was what he was wearing. He looked good no matter what he put on but I had planned on wearing the blue dress I'd gotten from Target and I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. I wasn't sure where we were going and he hadn't given me any hints so I decided to wear the dress anyway.

Thankfully, my bangs had grown in and they were starting to act slightly compliant with the help of a curling iron and some hairspray. I applied a little makeup and pulled on a sweater to ward off the cold. Rose had given me a pair of black heels and I stared at them for a while in thought. Flats weren't sexy but they were comfortable. I cursed softly to myself as I pushed my feet into the heels and paced a little in the bathroom to practice my footing. The walk down the hallway was slow and loud. Edward was still sitting on the couch, staring hypnotically at the TV. It was the first game of The World Series.

"Are you going to resent me for making you miss this game?"

"You're not making me—" He looked me up and down once, and then flipped the TV off with the remote in his hand. "Wow. You're beautiful."

I flushed. He'd changed into dark blue jeans and a dark blue dress shirt. My eyes glanced at the tiny bit of chest hair that poked up over the collar and I bit my bottom lip. Damn, he was gorgeous with his freshly shaved jaw and intense fiery eyes. I didn't feel worthy of this date.

My silence made him stutter. "Not that you're not always beautiful because you are but that dress…"—his eyes roamed slowly down my body—"…that color is…"

I shuffled my feet. "It sounds like you're trying to butter me up for something."

Amusement took over his face in the form of narrowed eyes and a smirk. "Maybe, I am."

"Are you ready to go? I'm starving."

He stood up and I grabbed my coat off the hook by his door. Before I could put it on, he twisted me around and attacked my mouth with his. His lean body pressed mine against the wall and his hands gripped my hips in a possessive manner, his fingers digging into my flesh. The kiss was hungry and we were both out of breath when he finally pulled away. He watched me recover as if he were trying to figure out a very complicated riddle.

"Did you get that out of the way so that we wouldn't be all awkward the whole time?"

He blinked. "What?"

I grinned. "You know, first date jitters and all. Get the kiss out of the way so we wouldn't be hem-hawing about it all through dinner?"

His eyebrow rose. "Did you actually just say 'hem-hawing'?"

"Yeah," I laughed. "What's wrong with that?"

"I don't think I've heard anyone use that phrase since my Grandma used it when she'd catch me with my head in the fridge. It used to annoy the shit out of her because I'd sit there and stare, letting all the cold air out."

"Why would you just stare in the fridge?"

He shrugged. "Food choices are critical to a teenage boy."

After some serious dress-straightening, I shrugged my coat on and he followed suit. He locked the door behind us and he offered me his arm. I took it with a grin.

"Hey! Guys!"

We turned around to see Emmett poking his head out his door.

"You guys meeting us at the club? We'll be there around 10pm. Rose is psyched to have a baby sitter for the entire night and she's really hoping you guys will be there." Esme and Carlisle had offered to keep Emily and Sam all night for them and they gladly took them up on their offer. Emily was determined to beat Carlisle at Wii bowling.

"We'll see where the night takes us, Emmett," Edward answered.

"Okay! Awesome! See you there!"

"He's such a good listener," Edward said, rolling his eyes.

"I'd hate to let Rose down," I told him as he opened my door for me when we got to his car. "She seems really excited about us going."

"This is our night, too, Bella. Rose will get over it if we decide not to go."

As he walked around the front of the car, I got a weird feeling. It was a prickly sensation that sent a shiver up my spine and over my scalp. With reluctance, I glanced around the car and found nothing unusual. The same cars sat on the street and the same groups of people huddled on the corner. But I couldn't shake it. I felt like I was being watched.

"What's wrong?" Edward buckled his seatbelt with a click and turned the engine over.

I shook myself, physically and mentally. "Nothing, I'm fine."

He didn't look convinced but carried on by shifting into reverse. It was probably nothing; after-effects of the kiss that Edward had given me before we left the apartment. Or maybe I really _did_ have first date jitters. Whatever it was had passed and I was back in the present, riding along with one of the best men that I'd ever met.

"Nice shoes," I told him as he escorted me up to the restaurant door. He was in black dress shoes that looked brand new. "It's weird to see you in anything but black boots."

"I can say the same for you. Are you going to be okay in those?"

I was a little offended. "Why wouldn't I be? I'm capable of wearing heels for a night."

"We should have brought you some tennis shoes just in case."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, because that would look so good with this dress."

"I think it'd look pretty damn hot and I'm the only one that it should matter to, right?" His tone wasn't accusatory but instead, amused and curious.

"No, I want to look good for other people too." He shot me a questioning glance. "I'm on a date with you and I want you to be proud of me. If I had tennis shoes or flats on, other people would look at you and think that this is some kind of pity date."

"A pity date? I doubt that."

"Why?"

"Because your feet are the last thing anyone would notice."

He opened the door for me and gestured me in. The smell of food made my mouth water and internally, I groaned.

"So, pray tell, what is the first thing people would notice if they wouldn't notice tennis shoes on my feet?"

He narrowed an eye at me. "Are you fishing for compliments, Ms. Swan?"

I rolled my eyes and opened my menus. It was possible that I was fishing for compliments but I wasn't going to admit it. The waiter took our orders and brought us drinks before Edward finally answered.

"Your eyes," he murmured.

"Huh?" It wasn't a romantic response but I'd forgotten my question after I'd filled my mind with my impending steak and salad.

"That's what people would notice first about you—your eyes."

"Really? My eyes?" I asked skeptically.

"Why are you so concerned about what other people think?"

I looked down at the table and fiddled with my straw wrapper. "I don't know, actually. I never used to care. Back in college, I did my own thing and people just sort of accepted it or they didn't." I smiled at the image of myself a few years ago. "Of course, my own thing was studying and working part-time to pay my tuition."

Edward grinned. "I bet you have tons of friends in Washington."

"Not really. I mean, sure there were people I'd hang with on weekends but I've never really had a good friend. Not until Rosalie, actually…and you, of course."

His expression shifted from amusement to curiosity. "What kinds of things do you like to do? I know you like to read but what else?"

I thought hard about his question. Surprisingly, this was ideal first date conversation and it was throwing me off a little. When it came to Edward and me, our relationship had always been so intense that these little questions seemed inconsequential.

"I used to love riding my bike around campus when the weather would break." I smiled and Edward returned the expression as if it was contagious. "In the summer, when the flowers are in full bloom, I'd go on a trail and sometimes I'd be gone for hours. It was so peaceful."

"You'd go by yourself?" I nodded. "That's not safe."

"It's not like I'd go out in the woods or anything. I'd go to different parks or just around campus where there were plenty of people. Trust me—I was lectured about my safety on numerous occasions by my dad."

My face fell at the mention of my dad and he noticed.

"You'll see him soon, Bella. I promise."

I nodded and smiled sadly. Going back to Washington seemed like a far off dream but as each day passed, the dream didn't seem to matter anymore. It was more like a passing hope. Sure, I'd love to see him again and my world would change if the whole James situation was resolved but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged somewhere; even if it was the slums of Chicago. The McCarty clan and Edward had become my family and I wasn't sure if I'd leave even if the opportunity presented itself to me. Chicago was quickly becoming my home.

"I used to love to dance," I announced after our meal was placed in front of us. I took a bite of steak and my eyes rolled back in my head.

"I can't picture you dancing. It must be entertaining."

"You'll never find out because my dancing days are over," I told him.

"Why's that?"

I shrugged. "It was a long time ago."

He scoffed. "You're only twenty four, Bella. It couldn't have been that long ago."

"It seems like ages go. Being that carefree…to just go to a bar and dance, it just doesn't seem fun to me anymore."

"Well, what does sound fun?"

"I honestly have no idea."

He smirked. "We should find out tonight."

I took a drink and raised my eyebrows questioningly. "What do you mean?"

"You want to find out if you still like to dance?"

"You mean, meet up with Rose and Emmett?" He nodded. "I thought you didn't want to go."

"If my girl wants to dance, then by all means, I'm going to take her somewhere to dance."

My heart fluttered at the mention of me being his girl. It shouldn't have affected me since he'd had his tongue in my mouth before our date even began but it did.

"What if we get there and I freak out?"

"So, we'll leave."

"And I'd ruin the night."

He rolled his eyes. "You're dramatic. We'd walk in and you'd freak out and we'd leave. What, that's like fifteen minutes of the night, right?"

"Sometimes, my freak-outs have repercussions and they end up dragging on for hours."

"I'll help you through it."

I huffed. "You shouldn't have to help me through it."

He leaned forward on the table, his green eyes on fire as he looked at me. "I don't _have_ to do anything. I want to."

It almost came out. The fact that I loved him was on the tip of my tongue but I didn't say it. I was incredibly lucky to have him on my side and I told him so.

The seriousness of his expression faded and his smirk returned. "You're just saying that because you've seen what I can do to a pair of leather mitts."

We passed on dessert and I was nervous as we walked out to the car, my anxiety spiking with each step. The thought of fighting with the crowd, moving against strange sweaty people wasn't enticing and I almost told Edward to forget it. Then an image of a different Bella popped into my head. This Bella was confident and unapologetic for who she was. This was Charlie Swan's daughter, dancing carefree with a group of friends. Her dance moves were off beat and the people around her looked at her like she was a little crazy but she didn't care. I yearned to feel that again. Somewhere, hidden deep in the folds of fear and mistrust, it was there, waiting to be unleashed. I wouldn't get there if I didn't take chances and face my fears, and the best part was having Edward by my side to catch me if I fall.

"You look like you're in deep thought," he said as he clicked his seatbelt.

"Will you stay with me at the club?"

"Of course, I will." He grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek. "As long as you don't ask me to dance with you."

I sucked in a breath. "If I dance, you have to dance."

He shook his head and laughed without humor. "Oh, no, I'm not dancing. I don't dance."

"You want me to go dance by myself?"

His head fell forward in defeat. "Oh, please, Bella, don't make me dance," he whined.

I laughed. "Now look who the dramatic one is."

"Okay," he sighed. "I'll dance if you want me to but you can't laugh."

I bit my lip. "I'd never…" He pressed his lips together. "Okay, maybe I would but I won't if you're doing it for me. Just promise me one thing."

He put the car in drive and we started toward the dance club. "What?"

"Leave 'The Running Man' in the car."

We discussed poor choices in dance moves on the way there and my anxiety drizzled out of me. There was no way I would have wanted to go in there if it was anyone but Edward by my side. He was my friend. My protector. My constant.

There was a line around the corner to get in and Edward cursed to himself. "Do you have your cell phone?" I nodded and handed it to him. "I'm going to call Emmett and see how fast they got in."

"If we're going to be waiting out here forever, we can just forget it," I told him. "We'll come a different night."

He had a short conversation with Emmett before snapping my phone closed and handing it back to me. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the front door. The bouncer was three hundred pounds of mean muscle.

"We should be on the list," Edward told him.

The bouncer let out a grunt followed by a sigh. "Name?"

"Bella Swan and Edward Masen."

Soon, we were walking into the hot, crowded club and I almost turned around. There was an air of desperation and determination floating through the building as people grinded on each other on the dance floor. Groups of people screamed amongst them selves in an effort to have a conversation over the music and people—of both sexes—eyed each other like a fat man looks at freshly baked sweet rolls.

I spotted Jacob up on the stage and I waved. He had on a pair of dark sunglasses so I wasn't sure if he saw me until he returned my greeting.

"They said they are at a table by the bar," Edward said in my ear.

He put me in front of him and helped guide me through the traffic with a gentle hand on my back. His protectiveness was unnerving and delightful at the same time. I could feel people's eyes on me but I ignored it. Sweat was already rolling down my back and my breath felt short. It wasn't easy but we finally reached the bar and we scanned the area for the huge figure of Emmett. Instead, we got a screeching Rosalie.

"Bella! Edward!"

Rose was all smiles as she waved us toward where they were sitting. We managed some more people weaving until we reached the high table where Emmett and Rose were sitting. His big, bulky body hovered over her like a lion protecting a carcass; his eyes shifted to any close movement or possible threats. I never considered that coming to a place like this might be hard for him, too. In fact, Emmett and I were a lot alike: Always on the defensive and waiting for something horrible to interrupt our seemingly peaceful lives. It was possible that this place was similar to a prison riot. Except minus the music. And the booze. Probably, they didn't dance either.

"I'm so excited that you could come!" Rosalie said, threading her fingers through Emmett's. "You look like you're terrified, Bella."

I shook myself a little. "No, I'm fine." Edward scooted closer to me—which was no small feat when one was sitting on a bar stool—and snaked an arm around my shoulders. His expression was similar to Emmett's but his posture wasn't as stiff. "There's just a lot going on."

Her eyes widened. "You wanna dance?"

I swallowed hard. "Maybe, in a minute."

Rose bobbed her head to the music. Emmett proceeded with operation bodyguard.

"Emmett doesn't look like he wants to be here," I said close to Edward's ear.

"I don't think he really does."

"We can go somewhere different," I announced to the table. "It's pretty crowded in here."

Emmett perked up at my suggestion but Rose shook her head.

"Jake was so psyched that we were here! I don't want him to think that we didn't have fun since he's been hounding us to come for fucking months. He put all of our drinks on his tab." She held up her bottle of beer and wiggled her eyebrows. "You should take advantage."

I wasn't someone who felt alcohol was the doorway to a goodtime but it would definitely help my nerves.

"You want something? I'll go get it," Edward said in my ear.

"Get her a Margarita," Rose suggested.

He ignored her, looking at me for an answer.

"A Margarita sounds good," I told him. "Thanks."

"Just tell them your name and they'll put it on Jake's tab," Rose shouted after him.

"I'm going to take a piss," Emmett announced. "Will you be okay?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "We'll be fine. Edward will be back in like two minutes and you remember how resourceful Bella is when it comes to self-defense."

Emmett narrowed an eye at me playfully and I grinned proudly in response.

"Okay, be right back, babe." He kissed her three times on the mouth and headed toward the bathroom.

Rose didn't waste any time. "So, how's it going with you and Edward?"

"It's good."

She looked at me skeptically.

"Okay, I'm in deep, Rose," I conceded. "Up to my neck."

"I think it's fucking great. Honestly—and I'm not just saying this—I've never seen Edward this happy. Any day now, I expect to see him doing cartwheels down the sidewalk and skipping to work."

I laughed hard at that visual. "Sometimes, I think he's with me just because he wants to help me, you know?" I watched him order our drinks at the bar with a small smile on my face. He paid with cash, of course, instead of putting it on Jake's tab. "If I weren't in the situation that I'm in, I don't know if he'd even look twice at me."

Rose sputtered out a disagreeable noise. "He thought you were hot the day he first saw you in the laundry room with Sammy."

I cut my eyes to her. "He told you that?"

"No, but I've known Edward a long time and he doesn't look at anyone like he looked at you that day."

"Maybe I looked horrible and his protective instincts kicked in."

She rolled her eyes. "Edward kisses you, right?" I nodded. "Does he whisper sweet-nothings in your ear?"

"In a very Edwardesque fashion, yeah."

"Does he touch you in all the right places?"

"Sometimes, but most of the time, he's holding back. He told me that he doesn't want to move too fast. It's frustrating because I'm pretty much giving myself to him and he gets all preachy about my mental health."

"He loves you, Bella," Rose said with a smile. "He's trying to protect you."

"Yeah but…" Edward started heading toward us with a Margarita in one hand and a Coke in the other. "I want to make him happy."

"So, make yourself irresistible."

My eyes widened. "Pray tell—how do I do that?"

"You've got the right assets, Bella," she said slyly. "Use them."

For the next hour, we chatted around the music and I got to know Emmett more thanks to a drunk and loud Rosalie. She loved to reminisce about their relationship in high school it seemed but I could see the pain in Emmett's eyes when she talked about his pre-prison life. Since I'd escaped James' torture, I'd separated my life into two different periods of time: Before Oklahoma and after. I was willing to bet that Emmett did the same thing with his mistakes. While life before prison held good memories for Rose, it was probably horribly painful for Emmett with all the "what-ifs" going through his head. During one particularly story where Rose was talking about finding out she was pregnant with Emily, I cut her off.

"Hey, Rose, I love this song! You wanna dance?" Yes, that's how bad I felt for Emmett.

Her eyes lit up. "Hell yeah!"

I cut my eyes to Edward and he winced.

"I'll be fine. You don't have to dance." I kissed him on the cheek as he held his hands out in a prayer-like fashion showing thanks. "We'll stay close."

"You want me to come, baby?" Emmett asked.

"Nah! Me and Bella are going to go rip it up!"

I nodded even though I had no idea what "rip it up" meant. Probably, I was going to rip something but it wasn't what she had in mind; a thigh muscle, perhaps, or maybe one of my butt muscles.

As we got to the dance floor, the song changed into an easy dance song. It was the same song that was used in that wedding video that sky rocketed all over Youtube. Thanks to the Margarita, I wasn't as anxious as I could have been but I still kept Edward in my sights. However, it didn't take long for the Margarita to affect my inhibitions and I let loose or ripped it up, as Rosalie would say. Rose and I twirled each other, and we did some God awful dance moves that made us double over in laughter. For the next several minutes, I forgot that we were surrounded by strangers. I felt like I'd grabbed a piece of my old self and put it back in place. It was amazing to me how simple it had been to feel so free, to have fun again like those nine months in hell hadn't even happened.

If I thought it was amazing how simple it had been to gain that little piece of my soul back, the split second that it took to shatter it again was astounding.

Jake played a slower, romantic song and as Rosalie and I stood blinking at each other awkwardly, Emmett came up behind her and put his arms around her waist. I smiled at them as they got lost in each other, swaying back and forth to the music. Turning to go back to our table, I ran straight into a body. I panicked.

_Oh, God…_

The build was the same. The hair was the same. The arrogant smirk on his face was the same. I glanced at him and my chest seized. For a brief moment, I saw James and my stomach seemed to collapse in on itself. His hand came up and touched my shoulder and he said something to me but the buzz inside my head was so loud that I couldn't hear it. I yelled at him, screamed so that I could hear myself over the annoying noise.

He lifted his hands up in surrender, his blue eyes wide. Blue. That's when it hit me and my vision cleared. The buzzing in my head ceased. It wasn't James. But I was still yelling. What was I yelling?

"Get off me! Don't touch me!" Oh…that. Damn, I was loud.

The man backed up and ran into someone. Then he backed up again as whoever he ran into wasn't budging. As he flipped around and parted the crowd, I saw that it was Edward and he was coming toward me.

Damn it, I was still yelling.

"Don't…!"

"Bella! It's okay!" Rose was right there, wanting to touch me but afraid that my screams would get louder and more frantic.

When Edward reached me, I finally stopped ranting. People around us were staring but thankfully the music was too loud for the entire building to have a stop-everything-and-stare moment. It was only a few people who witnessed my freak-out.

"Hey, you okay? What happened? Did that guy…" Edward pulled me into him, wanting to shield me from prying eyes. "Did that guy touch you? Because I swear to God if he touched you, I'm going to find him and—"

"No, I think he was going to ask me to dance but…I thought it was _him_. He looked so much like him for…" Shit, again with the crying. "Can we go?"

"Yeah, yeah, let's go."

If he said anything to Rose and Emmett, I didn't hear him as he pulled me toward him and steered us out of the club. I wished I could have said goodbye to Jake and tell him that I was happy that I came but I couldn't. There was too much blubbering going on and it would only upset him. Hopefully, Rose would tell him for me.

"You okay?" Edward asked as he closed his car door.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. I kept seeing, imagining that it was James behind me in the crowd. Fear crept past every other emotion and sat in front like a bully.

We drove in silence. I could feel Edward's eyes on me when we pulled along the street to park in front of our building.

"I thought it was him…behind me, in the club so I freaked out," I said, softly. "I shouldn't have gone."

He grabbed my hand and squeezed. "Maybe, maybe not. Your reaction wasn't unjustified, Bella. Rose said that the guy grabbed your arm and your reaction was appropriate for—"

"Appropriate! Appropriate? I screamed at him! All he wanted to do was dance with me and I freaked out! How is that appropriate? Any other girl would have told him 'no' or at the very least, given him a nice healthy 'fuck off' but not me. I burst into tears and got an overwhelming urge to crawl into a ball." I was out of breath when I was done and a little embarrassed for yelling at Edward.

"How many of those 'other girls' have been through what you have? And this didn't happen years ago…only months. This time last year, where were you?"

I winced. "I was in Oklahoma."

"That's right. Where do you think those other girls were? The ones who would have responded 'appropriately'?" He used those annoying air quotes as he leaned toward me.

"Not in Oklahoma," I mumbled.

He nodded vehemently. "That's right. You did amazing tonight. You had fun, right?"

I scoffed. "Yeah, right…fun."

With an eye roll he added, "Before the last few minutes, you had fun?"

I chewed on the question for a few beats. "Yeah, I did."

"That is why you are the strongest person I know, Bella. You took a chance and it paid off. Sure there was a little hiccup but you'll move past it. In fact, tomorrow, you probably won't even remember it."

With a quirked eyebrow I asked, "Are you suggesting that I'm drunk?"

He spit out a deep laugh. "No, I'm saying that you're going to look at the bright side of things and shrug it off."

"Which is?"

"That you had fun and you went out there and danced your little ass off even though you were scared to."

I smiled at him. He countered with a grin of his own that made my chest light. My tears were gone but I could feel the puffiness surrounding my eyes.

"Let's go home and get to bed. Just because you had fun tonight doesn't mean that I'm going to take it easy on you when we go running tomorrow."

My frown spoke volumes and he laughed.

Before bed, I took another shower to wash sweat and a layer of embarrassment of my skin. I pulled on a long t-shirt and kept my hair down, in hopes that my freak out hadn't dampened Edward's desire to explore.

When I walked back out to the living room, I expected to see him sitting in front of the TV in his sleep pants and white t-shirt but he wasn't. He was still dressed in his date clothes, looking out the window. It wasn't the best view but we could manage to see a few trees that lined the street. I walked up next to him and put my arm around his torso.

"It's snowing," he told me then added, "It's a little early for snow."

There were little flurries coming down, floating in a careless zipping fashion from sky to ground.

I hugged him tighter. "Thanks for tonight. I did have fun and I wouldn't have if I was with someone else."

He kissed my forehead. "I've been thinking about something. Our relationship is so backward, considering you were staying here with me before we even went on our first date so I'm just going to blurt it out. Since your lease is coming up and I don't want you paying another butt-staggering amount to stay in that apartment, I think you should just move all your shit over here."

Considering he'd just used the adjective "butt-staggering" and the word "shit" in that statement, it was the most romantic suggestion I'd ever heard.

"I mean, you don't have to sleep with me or anything. If things…" He hesitated, his brow furrowed in thought. "You can sleep in the guest room anytime that you want. I just want you close right now."

The way he was looking at me and the way that he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him, sent a shiver up my spine. This man would do anything for me. I wasn't sure if he loved me but I knew that he cared about my well-being immensely.

I pulled away from him, a shocking feeling of cold abandonment rushed over me as I headed toward the CD player I'd gotten from Jake for my birthday. I popped in a used CD that I'd gotten from Esme's shop. After a few moments, Otis Redding starting crooning about those arms of his and their constant yearning for the one that he loves. It was perfect.

My love for Edward seemed to fill me as I walked to him, gazing into his curious and passionate eyes. I felt brave and vulnerable. My knees shook but I kept that from him by pulling on his shirt with my fist, against me.

"Dance with me," I said softly.

I expected an argument or at the very least, a dramatic sigh but there was none of that. Instead, he guided me to him with a hand on each of my hips. My fingers drove through his hair and his lips grazed my temple as we swayed slowly to the song.

"Bella…" he whispered huskily in my ear.

The alcohol had surely left my system so my bravado had to have been an effect of sheer determination. Edward had been there for me through so many of my hissy fits and he'd taken all of my half-wit requests with grace. I wanted so much to give him something back.

"I want you, Edward."

He sighed but he didn't let me go. "You have no idea how tempting you are to me but—"

I pulled back, cutting him off. Before he or I could think too hard on it, I pulled my shirt off. There was nothing underneath except for my panties and I waited for his protests: His usual rants of how unready I was to take this step and how my freak-out at the club had proven that fact. None of that came. He let out a strangled moan and looked at me, his gaze roaming my body. It took every ounce of self control and a constant repetitive mantra in my head—reminding myself that this was Edward—so that I didn't cover myself with my hands.

"Why do you do this to me?" His tone was pained and his voice rough with want. It made me smile. "What you went through, it—"

I put my finger over his lips. "We're not talking about that tonight. I want you, Edward." When that didn't change the regret and sadness in his ardent stare, I added a "please."

He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, there was something else mixed in that I hadn't seen before. Edward wasn't a weak man but that was what I saw: Surrender.

His arm came around my shoulders and then he swooped me up to carry me. I yelped and giggled, in spite of the building fear in my loins. He was going to have me, and I wasn't going to show him that fear. It was life changing for me. This would carry me through the rest of my life whether I remained with Edward or not.

"If you want me to stop, you tell me," he said as he laid me on the bed like a sacrifice. "Promise me that you'll tell me."

I nodded. "I promise that I'll tell you."

"Tell me what? I need you to say it, Bella."

"I promise if I want you to stop that I'll tell you."

He nodded. "I'll be right back."

I whimpered; not because of his absence but because I was certain he'd spend five minutes in the bathroom talking himself out of it. He'd stomp back out here, cover me up and tell me that he was only doing what was best for me. Sure enough, he came back out fully clothed and looking mighty determined. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and avoided my eyes.

"I can't do this," he grumbled. "You are the best thing that has happened to me in…forever and I can't do this because you're not ready." He started to pace and I stretched out on the bed, remembering Rose's "asset" advice. "Have you ever even been with someone besides that fucker?"

"No, but I want you."

"Why are you doing this? Why do you want this?"

"Because I want you, Edward." I was starting to annoy myself with that statement but it was all I had. The truth would be condemning; the fact that I wanted to give myself to him as a means to pay him back for everything that he's done for me. It would be a nail in my sexual coffin. There was also the small dose of curiosity running through my veins. Was it always horrible? Was it always lacking in any sort of emotion like it had been with James? If sex with Edward was horrible, then I had no hope of future intimacy with anyone in an effort to please myself.

He resumed his pacing and hair-tugging. "You deserve something better. I don't know what I'm doing and…and I'm going to fuck this up."

"You are more than what I deserve and I'm fairly certain that you know what you're doing."

His laugh was humorless. "You still don't believe me…" He surprised me by walking to the bed and crawling over me. The feel of his solid body hovering over me and barely touching my naked flesh was an experience all in itself. "I've never been with anyone before you, Bella."

"I know you—" I stopped because it finally hit me what he was telling me. Edward had told me countless times that he hadn't had a girlfriend or went on a date since high school but I assumed that didn't count meaningless sex. There was such a thing as sex outside of relationships and in my mind, Edward had taken part in it quite a bit in order to stay unattached to anyone specific.

"What?" I couldn't hide the shock on my face.

He shook his head. "I've never had sex, Bella. Ever. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing."

He kissed my lips gently and the tension vanished from his face. This piece of information was a little tough to chew. My Edward, the ex-con with the amazing body and kind soul was a virgin. I wanted this now more than ever.

"Edward, if I can't have this with you then I don't want it." It was the truth. I loved him for a reason, several reasons actually, and I wanted to share this with him. For a moment, this wasn't about giving him pleasure or figuring out where I stood on the sexual enjoyment scale. This was about us.

He winced a little and kissed my forehead. "Are you sure?"

Using Rose's advice, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him to me. I wrapped my legs around his hips. The kiss I gave him conveyed what I'd been telling him over and over for the past ten minutes: I wanted him.

I could tell the moment he surrendered again because he put his weight into the kiss. Denial seeped through me as I pushed away the fear and shock of feeling his erection against my hip. I focused on the kiss, the way his hands found my breasts and his warmth. When he was naked, he reclaimed his position and put a finger on the waistband of my panties. His expression was a question and I lifted my hips in response.

The feel of him over me was overwhelming. When his fingers gently probed between my legs, I gasped and clutched him to me in fear that he'd see the shock on my face. I worked consciously on keeping my body limber, not stiff; warm, not cold. Horrible thoughts threatened but I pushed them away, my focus being on the noises he made when his lips sucked around my nipple or his fingers entered me. Thankfully, my body was reacting positively to his touch and I grew ready for him. It only confirmed my decision. That I needed this and so did he. I wanted this. I needed this. I was sure of it.

"You are incredible," he murmured into my neck. "How in the hell did I get so lucky?"

His fingers grew more frantic and I knew what he wanted but I couldn't give it to him. I wasn't there yet. I wanted him to just get on with it. I wanted his cock inside of me because it was there, pulsing against my leg and reminding me of what lay ahead.

"I want you inside me, Edward," I whispered, slightly embarrassed of my own words.

He made a final pass with his fingers and then settled between my thighs. His lips traveled all over my body, making passes on my chest, my neck and finally capturing my lips in a deep kiss. It was lovely. The proximity of his naked body on mine; the heat was delicious and enticing. It was Edward and he was so gentle and loving and sweet. If I couldn't enjoy this with him, then there would be no one.

"I can stop, Bella. All you have to do is tell me."

I panicked because I was afraid of what he'd seen on my face. With great strength, I relaxed into him and pushed him forward with my heels on the backs of his thighs.

When he entered me, it was slow and tender, as if he was afraid of hurting me. He moaned and I grinned at his response to what my body felt like for him. I pushed away horrible memories and focused on Edward: The moans, the feel of his gentle hand moving over my hips, almost adoring every part of me. I surprised myself with a moan of my own because his body moving over me, rhythmically and heavy, was as close to wonderful as it could get.

Afterward, he laid beside me and pulled me nearly on top of him. It wasn't long before he was in a deep sleep, his grip loosened on my shoulder but I didn't move. Instead, I studied him in the moonlight: The rise and fall of his chest, the firm muscles of his chest and abdomen, the determination on his face as if he was promising all the bad dreams that he'd chase them down if they even considered entering his mind.

I loved him. I knew this.

The experience of making love with him had been far from horrible but it wasn't something that I'd crave. I would do it for him because I'd felt the quiver in his muscles as he came inside me, I saw the look of pleasure in his face as he thrust into me over and over. Perhaps, in time I'd learn to enjoy it. As time went on, it was possible that my memories of Oklahoma would grow faint and being with Edward would erase my fears. One day, maybe I'd even want it but it would take time. He was right about that.

However, one thing was certain: I'd never regret it.

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><p><strong><em>AN: Before you throw something at me for the less-than-citrusy lemon, let me tell you that when a REAL lemon comes along, it will be extra juicy. I promise. This is all part of the healing process for Bella. She didn't hate it, but she's still not in the right frame of mind to be doing any hanky panky, KWIM? If you can't have a big "O" with Edward, then...damn._**

**_Sorry to Mystery Cat...I know you hate me right now ;)_**

**_This is going to be a weird week for posting...I'll explain more on Thursday. Thanks for reading and reviewing! _**


	20. Chapter 19 Falling

_**A/N: Finally! I can post! **_

_**Thanks goes to my prereader, Softragoo, for being as lovely as ever.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight**_

_**Song Rec: "No Light, No Light" by Florence and The Machine**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Nineteen<strong>_

"That doesn't look anything like a pumpkin," Emily commented as she watched Rose pile orange frosting onto a chocolate cupcake. "Those bake sale people aren't going to be happy."

Rose raised her eyebrows at her daughter. "Do you want to do it?"

Emily frowned and shook her head.

I topped a cupcake off with a green piece of candy and a few black ones to make eyes and a mouth. As much as I hated to admit failure to a ten year old, she was right: Our cupcakes for the bake sale sucked.

"I'm sure they taste good," I offered.

Rose narrowed an eye at me. "Don't you start in on me, too. I never claimed to be Martha-fricken-Stewart. You asked for Halloween cupcakes and this is what you're getting."

"Don't be so touchy, Rose." I ended my comment by throwing a green candy at her. It got stuck in her hair.

She sucked in a breath. "Oh, no, you didn't just throw candy in my hair."

Emily giggled and tossed her own piece of candy at her mom.

Rose stuck a finger in the orange icing and narrowed her eyes at me. I was good at running and evading so that's what I did. She chased me around the kitchen until she had me cornered where I got a good smearing of icing on my nose and cheek. Rose turned her eyes to her giggling daughter and Emily took off down the hallway. If she were a cartoon, there would a streak of fire on the floor behind her.

"What's going on in here? It looks kind of kinky." Edward grinned from his place in the doorway to the kitchen. Emmett had proclaimed today "Man Day" since it was Sunday and The Bears were playing The Packers. Our two guys were sitting on the couch in the living room, celebrating the weekly tradition of eating sausage and cheese while watching the game. I hadn't looked but I imagined them emitting loud, obnoxious noises from their guts and grabbing their crotches every chance they got.

I wiped my hand across my face and looked at the icing on my palm. Rose watched me with pride. I smiled at the green candy still stuck in her hair.

"Bella insulted my cupcakes," Rose told him.

Edward's gaze ran over said cupcakes and his expression was puzzled. "Are they supposed to be something?"

I barked out a laugh and Rose wiggled her icing covered fingers at me in warning.

"Hey, I thought we could pack up some of your stuff later and move it over to my place," Edward said as he grabbed some Coke out of the fridge. "Sound good?"

"Yeah, we can do that."

He walked over to me and swiped his finger across my nose. With a grin, he licked the icing off his finger and then kissed my forehead in a lingering soft kiss.

"God, I've never seen him like this," Rose said after he rejoined Emmett in the living room.

I rolled my eyes. "You're just not used to seeing him with a girlfriend."

"That's not what I'm talking about." I shot her a confused look. "Around you, he's just so…so…so normal. Before you, Bella, Edward wasn't a happy man."

"I'm sure that's not true. He seemed happy to me."

She shook her head. "No, he wasn't. He was miserable and full of useless guilt from an accident that happened years ago. I'm sure that lovely guilt is still buried inside of him but, man, it's so nice to seem him so alive for once."

"He's a good person, Rose."

With a narrowed eye, she said, "That's beside the point. You are making him happy and that is not an easy feat. Trust me on that."

"But I'm not really doing anything," I told her. _Well, besides taking his virginity._

"You're being you—isn't that enough?"

I didn't answer because I wasn't sure exactly what she meant. There was a minuscule part of me that felt in control but most of me wasn't. I wasn't even sure who I was anymore; how could I make someone else happy by just being me?

We finished the cupcakes for the bake sale and packed them away so that Emily could take them to school with her. I'd asked Rose how Emily was coping with Emmett's presence and she told me that she's taking it one step at a time. She said that they needed a day to bond together but Emily put up a fight every time she mentioned it. Sammy was happy, as long as he got attention.

"Did Sammy start speech therapy?"

Rose grinned and nodded. "Thank God for Carlisle because I wouldn't have a clue where to go at this point. He turns three in two weeks so we have an appointment with the school district to get him evaluated for preschool." She took a sip of coffee and sighed. "Damn, I can't believe my baby is starting preschool."

"It'll be good for him," I assured her.

"I know but I'll miss him. I'm so used to having a little one running around the house, trying to stick his fingers in light sockets or pulling heavy things onto his head." She sighed again. "I'm going to miss that."

"Well, you could always have another one."

She choked on her coffee. "Yeah, with all that money we have. It's hard enough for us to feed four mouths. We don't need to add another one to the mix."

"Has Emmett had any luck finding another job?"

She screwed up her face and shook her head. "No one will give him a chance since he has a record. The world sucks sometimes, you know it?"

"Lord, do I."

We gathered up our coffee and wandered into the living room to invade the "Man Day" celebration. Emmett did have his hand in his pants, as I'd guessed and if Edward hadn't been leaning forward in anticipation of the next play, I was pretty sure he would have mirrored his friend. They didn't seem to notice our presence as we sat down on the couch.

"What the hell is he doing, running the ball? They have fifty three seconds on the clock and no time outs! Why in the hell would they running the freaking ball?" Emmett's voice cracked as if he were on the verge of tears. Sammy looked up at him and giggled, thinking that Emmett's overreaction was for his benefit since typically, it was.

Edward was serious; his eyes on the TV like the next fifty three seconds determined the fate of the world. His fiery eyes were staring down the screen; his elbows pinned on his knees. His jaw was tight, his chin resting on his knuckles. I still couldn't believe that I had had the guts to go through with the previous night. The feel of his hands on my body was still fresh in my mind and I flushed. As good as it felt to be that close to him, the best part had been his reaction to me. When he first entered me, pleasure coursed through his body making his muscles shake and his face tighten. The groans and whimpers that projected from his mouth made my insides sing with pride. My body had done that to him; given that to him. I wanted to be able to make him happy like that every day. I didn't have a lot to offer but I could give him that.

As I stared at Edward, something big happened with the game. Emmett let out a roar of joy and Edward showed off a manly fist pump. The man in spandex on the TV screen did a funny little dance and sprinted off to the sidelines to join his team in celebration.

"I wish I could do that at my job," I announced.

Edward was still pumped about the win but managed to say, "What?"

"Do a little dance every time I did my job correctly."

He quirked an eyebrow and frowned. "They won the game because he caught the winning touchdown. The dance is almost mandatory."

"Isn't it his job to catch the football and score a touchdown?"

"Technically, I guess so but—"

"Well, I think it would be nice to do a little dance every time I did my job. Alphabetize the books…do a little dance. Balance the drawer…do a little dance. In fact, I think the world would be a happier place if we all did a little dance after we did our jobs correctly. Probably, we'd all be happier employees."

Emmett and Edward stared at me as if I'd just committed blasphemy.

"I think I'd like to see your 'little dance' you speak so fondly of, Bella." Rose had such a big mouth sometimes.

I cut my eyes to Rose and pressed my molars together. "You're just trying to get me back for the cupcake comment."

She shrugged. "I think it would help your point if you had a 'little dance' to show off when you make little speeches like this."

Emmett and Edward were no longer scowling at me; instead, they wore sneaky little smirks.

"Fine," I said, "I will."

I stood up and cleared my throat. Edward leaned back on the couch and crossed his arms over his chest as if he were waiting for me to prove something to him.

"Come on, Bella, show us what you got," Emmett said.

Even Sammy was watching me.

"Well, first I'd probably spread my feet apart and wobble my knees a little." Rose sputtered out a giggle that I ignored. "While knee-wobbling, I'd flap my elbows a little like this." I showed them the knee-wobbling-elbow-flapping dance.

"You look like a chicken," Emmett said with a grin. "That's not very creative."

I narrowed an eye at him. "Well, that's because I'm not done."

"Oh, boy," Edward chimed in. "By all means, show us the rest."

A wave of embarrassment flooded through me but it was quickly replaced with something else. Sure, I was doing a fair impression of a chicken but I was also putting another piece of the Bella-puzzle together. A few months ago, I would have had a panic attack if I was doing a 'little dance' in front of a few people. Now, I didn't even have to think about it. This is something I would have done in college or even in high school, just for the sake of laughs.

"Well, then I do some circles so that no one, no matter what angle they are watching me from, misses the full effect of my 'little dance'." I displayed the full dance with a big smile on my face.

"So, you'd do that every time you put a book on the shelf in the correct order?" Edward asked.

I stopped my ridiculous dance and put my hands on my hips. "No, it would have to be, like, a whole crate full of books. If I did this for every book, the dance would become meaningless."

"Plus, you'd be doing more dancing than working," Emmett pointed out.

"You should start a petition," Rose added. "I'd sign it. We could start lobbying in DC. You could do your little dance and stuff to promote it. You could be famous, Bella."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't think any of you can beat my dance."

Emmett snorted. "My dance beats your dance's butt!"

"Well, let's see it!"

Happy to be out of the spotlight, I plopped down next to Edward on the couch. He grabbed my hand and threaded his fingers through mine as he grinned at me.

"What?" I asked.

His smile grew. "Nothing."

For the next hour, Emmett perfected his hip shaking dance while Rose did a whole routine that looks similar to The _Achy Breaky Heart_ line dance that she pretended she'd never learned. Emily wandered in and did a nice little number that consisted of some high cheerleader style kicks mixed in with some karate moves. Sammy even added his own little twirl-in-a-circle-until-you-lose-your-balance-and-run-into-the-wall celebratory dance.

"Edward, it's your turn," Rose said smugly.

"I don't have one," he replied simply. "If I did, I would have to save it for special occasions."

Rose scoffed. "Are you saying that today isn't 'special'?" She used air quotes. "Today, is…is…very special, Edward. You know why? Do you know why today is worthy of your celebration dance?"

Edward seemed uninterested in Rose's theory on the specialness of the day's date so he shrugged.

She cocked her head. "I'll tell you why—in exactly two weeks from today, our little man Sammy will be three years old." All eyes turned to an oblivious Sammy who was attempting to pull the carpet off the wood floor below. "If that's not cause for a special little dance, then…"—she snorted—"I don't know what is!"

"Really?" Edward asked. "You're pulling the Sammy card? You want to see me dance so bad that you're using your only son to get me to do it?"

Rose narrowed her eyes before grabbing Sammy off the floor. "Sammy, do you want to see Uncle Edward dance?"

"Ewart dinse!" The smile on his pudgy cheeks could not be ignored.

Edward slumped beside me and he puffed out his cheeks with a sigh.

"Come on," I encouraged, giving his knee a fist bump, "you know you've had one planned since you were little."

"Thanks for the support," he mumbled as he got up and stood, front and center. Rose rubbed her palms together in anticipation. "Okay, so here it goes…"

Edward's dance was an odd mixture of body movements: A cowboy with a lasso, a few kicks of his feet, followed by a couple hip thrusts. His face was flushed with embarrassment the entire time but the silly smile on his face was genuine. When he was done, we applauded and he responded with a gracious bow.

"That was…interesting," I told him.

"So much better than the weird chicken dance that you did."

"Oh, really, Mr. Cowboy-meets-Chippendales…stripper…dance? At least my dance was rated PG."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Actually, I think a 'G' rating would suffice."

"Did you see the winking? Because I winked when I was circling and I don't think the winking was very 'G' rated. It's an insinuation that—"

"Guys! For the love of all that is holy!" Emmett yelled, cutting me off. Both of us turned to blink at him. "I don't think that there is any competition here. It was just a friendly and fun game of self expression. Besides,"—he let out a loud belch that seemed to echo off the plaster walls—"my dance was by far more superior."

We bickered for another half hour before we decided that Emily and Sam's dances tied for first while the rest of ours lagged behind in no particular order. I hugged Rose goodbye and gave Sam and Emily a kiss on the cheek before we ventured over to my apartment.

"You hungry?" Edward asked, as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. "I could go get the pizza now and then we can start packing after we eat."

"I'm starving," I groaned.

"Thin crust, easy on the sauce?"

"Ooh, and garlic bread with cheese on top. Do you think you could stop for ice cream? Because strawberry ice cream sounds really good right now."

He chuckled and kissed me softly on the lips. "Pizza and ice cream coming right up; you need anything else while I'm out?"

"Not that I can think of."

He squeezed me to him for a moment in a hug and with a sigh, released me. "I'll see you in a bit."

"Be careful," I told him as I plugged my key into the door.

I flipped on the light and made sure to lock the door behind me. It had been a few days since I'd even set foot in my apartment and as I scanned it with my eyes, it just didn't feel as safe as it used to. Not when compared to Edward's place. The grin that slowly pushed at my mouth was unstoppable as I thought about actually living there with him. Not only the thought of going to sleep at night feeling safe but just being near him all the time was injecting giddiness into my veins; my chest felt light and my stomach fluttered.

After flipping on every light in my apartment, I kicked off my shoes and sat on my bed as I made a mental plan of what I wanted to pack first. Jake was blaring some Kings of Leon through my wall but the song was unfamiliar—it was slow and haunting. The flicker of light caught my eyes from where I was sitting on my bed. My stomach clenched as I realized that my living room light had went off. I swallowed hard and rose from the bed, craning my neck to see down the hallway. Nothing. The living room light was indeed off but there were no noises or movement coming from the darkness. I straightened up, closed my eyes and took some deep breaths. There were a few reasons why the light may have gone out on its own: A burned out light bulb, a blown fuse, an intruder. My heart jumped in my chest at the last thought.

"No, Bella, calm down…" I told myself. "This is ridiculous."

I took a few more deep breaths, convinced that the cheap light bulbs that I'd bought when I'd moved in were clearly at fault for the sudden lack of safe light. A relieved smile crossed over my face as I opened my eyes.

Then my heart nearly stopped. The hallway light was off. One burned out light bulb was more than possible but two in a matter of a few minutes was…

Something fell in the living room and crashed to the floor. A sob froze in my chest and my breath came in quick pants. Before I could find out the reason behind my lights going out or the cause of the crash I'd heard, I would need to take action. With shaky hands and wobbly knees, I swiftly jumped toward the door and slammed it closed. Noise was good. Any strange noise would alert Jacob. I slid to the floor with my back pressed firmly against the wood.

Edward would be back soon. All I had to do was wait for him and it would all be fine. Nothing could hurt me if Edward was…

"Bellllaaaa…" The voice was like a knife against my skin. I put my hand over my mouth and breathed shakily into my palm. "Oh, Bella, Bella, Bella…"

He was close, possibly right on the other side of the door. The door had no fucking lock. I pushed my weight against it, finding traction on the carpet with my feet.

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been about you?"

The song on the other side of the wall switched to something more upbeat. _Pistol of Fire_. Jake was my way out of this and I had to get his attention.

"Jake!" The doorknob above my head squeaked with movement and I screamed for Jake again. The music continued to blast. I wanted to cry and sob and scream. The door pressed against my back as the horrible excuse of a man on the other side tried to push it open. "Jake! Help me!"

The music didn't stop. A mixture of a strangled sob and a violent curse left my mouth. The door pushed my body a few inches but I pushed back.

"Bella, the more you fight me, the more it's going to hurt—you know that," he said matter-of-factly. "I just want to take you home, that's all. Your dad is…well, he's pretty worried about you."

"Fuck you!" I hated how weak my voice sounded and I took a breath before continuing with "Just leave me the fuck alone!"

I waited for a smart retort or a scolding but there was nothing but silence. The pushing on the door ceased and the song changed through the wall too quickly for my brain to register out a scream. _ Four Kicks_. My eyes found one of my shoes that was lying by the foot of my bed. If I stretched, I could reach it and if I tossed it hard enough, it would resemble a knock on the wall. Jake would stop the music and I could scream my ass off.

The problem was the stretching without losing my place at the door. I tried using my foot to get the shoe but I was too far away. The only thing I could do was lean away from the door and leave myself open while I grabbed for the shoe. I held my breath and listened for a moment. The silence was deafening and frightening. He wouldn't have left but it was possible that he was looking for something in my apartment to help him jimmy his way inside my bedroom door. I had to do this and get it over with before Edward came back. I couldn't and wouldn't let him hurt Edward. Not for me.

Quietly, I leaned forward and grabbed for the shoe but he'd been waiting. The door flew open and before I could get my hand on the sneaker, I put my weight into the barrier.

"Let me the fuck in, Bella!" he growled.

The door bounced against my back and I whimpered and screamed for Jake again. The music didn't stop. _The music didn't fucking stop…_

With one last heave, he'd knocked me off my balance and I was thrown forward onto my knees. Not wasting any time on recovery, I crawled as far away from the door, toward the wall so that I could get a few hard bangs in before he grabbed me. I wasn't fast enough.

His arms went around my torso and I got the sudden urge to vomit. I didn't try not to. He flinched and threw me down as I heaved, the result going all over his forearm which was wrapped around me.

"God dammit! You fucking bitch!"

The back of his hand hit me hard across the cheek and momentarily I saw stars. The stars were followed by more retching. Blood filled my mouth as I looked up at him. His bearded face was blurry and his hair had grown out but there he was: The man that nightmares were made of. His clothes clung tightly to him; the pockets of his cargo pants bulged with weapons that would be used on me, and probably in me, on the journey from Chicago to Oklahoma. The wickedness was written all over his face, in the tension of his body and the way that he looked at me. This was going to hurt.

"Why do you fight me? You know that you're not going to win," he hissed. I sobbed into my hands. "It took me so long to find you. Do you know what you put me through? I had to call off the wedding!" He was trying to keep his voice down but his anger betrayed his vigilance. "Do you know how humiliating that was for me to have to tell people that you just ran off and disappeared? Plus, I had to stay with that blubbering father of yours for fucking months, pretending that my poor heart was breaking. But you know what?" He grabbed for me and I flinched away from him but his grip on my elbow was strong. His breath was hot against my face and his eyes glared at me, insane and furious. "I was fucking pissed and now…now, you're going to pay."

Now that my escape plan was non-existent, the next thing on the agenda was Edward. I had to lure James away before he came back so that he wouldn't get involved. James had other plans apparently because he dragged me out to the living room and flung me down on the couch.

"Where are you taking me? Why can't you just leave me alone?" I'd wanted to yell but I couldn't get my lungs to conjure it up.

He grabbed my hair and pulled it until my face tilted up to meet his. "Shut up! You don't speak unless I say otherwise. Apparently, you've forgotten all my rules." His hand released me and I sunk into the couch, away from him. "Now, where's your duct tape?"

I almost laughed. "I don't have any duct tape."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Maybe, I should venture down the hall to those little friends of yours. It's a nice little family. I bet that sweet little girl knows where I can find some duct tape. She's precious and in a few years—"

I wouldn't let him involve them, even if Emmett did stand a fair chance at kicking his ass. James would have knives, guns and his fists. I couldn't let him hurt my friends. "There's rope in the hall closet."

A smirk crossed over his face. "Rope? That's my girl." The smile vanished off his face as he spat, "Let's go get it, shall we?"

I yelped as he jerked me off the couch by my arm and dragged me into the hallway toward the closet. Silently, I prayed that Edward would get held up; perhaps, every store he went to would be clean out of strawberry ice cream so he'd have to travel all over the city to find it. And he would have, too. For me. For ice cream. A sob got stuck in my throat and I made a strangled noise as I tried to swallow it up.

James ignored my broken sobs. "What the fuck do you have rope for, anyway?" he asked, and then smirked at me. "You and that sweet little boyfriend of yours get a little kinky?"

Anger washed through me at the mention of Edward but I breathed it away. If he knew how much Edward meant to me, he'd use it to torture me. "I made a clothesline out of it."

I found the rope easily and he grabbed it up as I pulled it out of the closet. Then, back to the couch where he sat down beside me as if he were waiting on something. Oh, no…

"Why don't you just take me and get it over with?"

His jaw ticked with anger but he didn't smack me. "We're waiting on someone."

My hands formed shaky fists. "Who?"

This time the smack came and my nose throbbed as a result. "I think you know who so shut the fuck up."

_Think, Bella, think… _

"I'll go with you…I'll walk out of here with you. I promise you, if you just don't hurt him."

He sneered. "You're a whore."

His words didn't bother me. It wasn't the first time that he'd called me that.

"I'll do anything. You have my word on it."

"Your word!" he spat. "You put that fucking ring on your finger! That was supposed to be _your word_! Then, first chance you get, you run off and hide from me. Why should I trust anything that you say? You're a fucking lying whore. I saw you last night, through the window, stripping for him and getting ready to fuck him." It felt like I'd swallowed my heart as he described to me what he'd seen through the window of Edward's apartment. I wanted to vomit again but the retching wouldn't come; instead, my stomach sat heavy in my abdomen like a vile rock. "You think that I'm not going to enjoy killing him? His final lesson will be taught by me, no matter how much you beg, Bella."

I did something brave. The first brave thing that I'd done since he'd made his presence known in my apartment. I dropped to my knees in front of him and put my hands together in pure begging fashion. "Please! I'm begging you, James! I'll call my dad! Tell him that…that I got cold feet and that I came back because…"—I swallowed and internally grimaced at my next words—"Because I love you. I'll marry you and I will be yours for the rest of my life. You can do whatever you want to me; I won't fight it."

My insides jumped as he actually looked to be considering my plea.

"But they know, don't they? They know where you are and they'll make up lies…they'll call the police."

_They_. The word made my lungs seize with breath. He wasn't just talking about Edward. He was talking about everyone: Rose, Emily, Sam, Emmett, possibly even Jake. Weakness took over me and I sobbed.

His hand went through my hair, an odd gentle stroke. I struggled to not pull away from him. "I don't want to see you cry, Bella. If they are all left alive, they'll ruin us. It's for the best."

I pictured Rose's face, the color in her cheeks gone and her body stiff from death. I envisioned Emily covered in blood and Sammy in a tiny little casket. Edward…oh, God…Edward…

James sighed. "But, I guess we can relocate; maybe, out of the country somewhere. It _would_ save me a lot of trouble."

My eyes widened. "I will do _anything_ if you don't touch them…any of them."

He stared at me for a few moments and I didn't look away even though I ached to squirm under his scrutiny. It was then that I really took in his face for the first time - his eyes were wild and his blonde hair had grown from the usual flat buzz cut to a more messy unkempt style. His skin was always so tan but now he was pallid and sickly looking. "I really wanted to teach that fucker a lesson about touching other men's women."

I dug my nails into my thighs in anger but I kept my face calm. "Whatever you want, I'll do it. Please…"

We were interrupted by a soft knock on the door. Panic flooded through me as a vision of Edward's smile flashed through my mind.

"Fucking fine. Make up some excuse. What's he here for, anyway? To stick his cock in you?"

"He went to pick up dinner," I mumbled as he yanked me up to my feet.

"If you do anything to clue him in on my presence, he's a dead man."

I wiped my face with my shirt and took a few deep breaths. I could do this…I _had_ to do this. Edward knocked again, this time a little louder. Jakes music was still blaring from his apartment. Queen's _I want to break free_ seemed pretty appropriate for my situation but I failed to find the humor in it.

"Wait," James hissed. He took his fingers and licked them, wiping them over my chin which was pink from blood. His saliva was warm and sticky on my skin. He ran his hands through my hair, flattening it and then straightened my shirt. "Remember what I said…he's a dead man."

My breath shook as I caught a glimpse of the knife James had slid out of his pants. I took another deep breath before I opened the door a crack. Edward's smile was just as I imagined it. It fell a little when he saw my face.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just…I found a picture of me and my dad and I started thinking about how much I missed him."

He stepped forward a little, trying to get closer with the pizza in his arms and the plastic bag hanging from his arm. I held the door steady.

"Listen, I'm really exhausted all of a sudden. My head is…"—I put my palm to my head, using the universal headache gesture—"It's killing me. I think I'm just going to go to bed so I can sleep this off. Maybe I'm coming down with something…I don't know."

He eyed me carefully for a moment. "Okay, well if you change your mind, just come on over."

I nodded. "Save some chocolate ice cream for me. I'll want some tomorrow."

If he caught my warning, he didn't show it which made me ecstatic and sad at the same time. James would kill him without hesitation but the thought of going with him was torturing me. If he got me where he wanted me, the only other solution would be suicide. I couldn't go through that again. I wouldn't.

"Okay, well, feel better sweetheart."

"Thanks, Edward," I said softly and then closed the door on him.

My chest ached at the thought of never seeing him again.

James dropped me back on the sofa and sneered at me. "Well, wasn't that just fucking sweet." He was still thinking about killing Edward; the desire was written all over his face.

"You promised…"

He smacked me again. It wasn't hard enough to cause my nose to bleed but it still stung.

"I didn't promise shit."

Then it happened. My worst nightmare and my 'Hallelujah' moment all wrapped up into one. Edward came busting in the door with such ferocity that I feared him myself for a moment. He didn't seem to have the same effect on James because James went toward him. This hadn't been what I wanted when I'd tipped off Edward in the form of ice cream flavors. I'd wanted him to call the police. Get help. Not come bursting through the door like a one man SWAT team.

"This is going to be fun," James growled as they circled each other.

"Bella," Edward said without taking his eyes off James, "if you get a chance, run like hell."

The moment was an odd one. It was the angel meeting the devil. Pure evil versus everything that was good. I wanted to laugh and cry and scream at the same time but all I could muster up was a good, long stare.

Edward launched himself at James and they struggled. I couldn't keep up with them. I should have run while they were going at it but I couldn't bring myself to leave him. If he was hurt, I'd never survive it.

They were matched. Edward got a few good blows in but then James took him down, his knife clattering to the floor. They rolled on the floor in a jumble of elbows and fists. Then in one horrible moment, James had Edward pinned. When I saw him grab the knife, my heart clenched and my lungs found their scream. Edward managed to grab hold of James' wrist as the point of the knife inched closer to Edward's throat.

My eyes searched the room for a weapon and they landed on a glass coaster that I'd never used. I grabbed it and stood up. Edward glanced at me and within that moment, I read his eyes perfectly. They told me to run. To get the hell out of there before James killed him.

I ran at James, letting out a battle cry as I hit him on the side and brought the coaster down as hard as I could on his head. It worked. He fell off Edward and we toppled down together on the floor beside him. I scrambled to my feet at the same time as James but I wasn't quick enough. James grabbed my hair and rammed me, face first, into the wall.

Then it all went black…

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><p><em><strong>AN: Since this is a horrible cliffie and I HATE cliffies as a reader, I'm going to post the next chapter on Saturday BUT... since I'm posting three chapters this week, you will most likely only get one next week. Sorry, but the updates are catching up to my writing and I'm panicking! :-P Plus, I don't have a day off work until next Thursday so not much writing time, my lovelies! **_

_**So, where do you think Bella will wake up? Where do you think Edward will be when she opens her eyes? What do you hope happens to James? Who's celebration dance was your favorite? Personally, I like some hip thrusting so I had to go with Edward's...of course. C'mon...review...you know you wanna! :)**_


	21. Chapter 20 Please

_**A/N: So, here it is kids...a little early never hurt anyone, right? I do have to work all weekend so this might be my last chance to post so I figured, what the hell. Your reviews are so fantastic. It's so freaking awesome to see how emotionally invested some of you are in these characters. Ya'll are freaking awesome. :)**_

_****I forgot to put this on the last chapter but there will be a fair amount of violence in this chapter. You've been warned.****_

_**Softragoo, I couldn't do this without your bubbles and support. **_

_**Song Rec: "The Great Escape" by Moby**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Twenty<strong>_

All I knew when I woke up was that my head was throbbing. My eyes were covered in some sort of sticky substance and I couldn't move my body. I groaned but the sound was muffled. There was something in my mouth and I tried to spit it out but it was lodged. Then I remembered what happened and in spite of the pain, my eyes flew open.

Darkness. _Was I blind?_ Had the hit to my head somehow damaged my vision? Then I blinked and my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I wasn't blind but I was trapped somewhere. The hum and vibration below me answered the unspoken question of my location. I was in the trunk of a car; not just any car. I'd know the sound of that rumbling muffler anywhere: I was in Edward's car.

Oh God, Edward… What had he done to him? I sobbed around the object that had been stuffed in my mouth and tears burned in my eyes. My hands were tied behind my back but my legs were left loose. Then I heard voices. James was talking in a low, threatening tone that I'd heard hundreds of times before:

_"Don't even think about leaving this house, Bella…"_

_ "If you don't tell your dad that you're fine, I swear that I'll kill her, Bella…"_

_ "Get on your hands and knees, Bella…"_

I was done for. Good as dead. I curled my body into a tight ball and cried as the hope seeped out of me.

Then I heard a different voice. My eyes flew open. Edward. He was here, with me. My heart soared and broke simultaneously. Edward was in as much danger as me, if not more. James would want to keep me alive but Edward was expendable. He'd probably forced Edward to help him get me tied up and placed in his trunk by using harm to me as a threat. For the first time, I regretted my relationship with Edward. He'd promised me on several occasions that he'd never let James hurt me again and he kept his promises, even if it meant his own life in exchange. If I'd never gotten close to Edward or the McCarty family, they'd be safe at home and oblivious.

A new feeling swept through me: Protectiveness. Edward was mine and I was going to do everything in my power to keep him safe. This was my fault and I wouldn't go down without a fight. If he killed Edward, then I'd give him no choice but to kill me. I'd punch. I'd claw at his eyes. I'd throw things. I'd never follow his orders again even if that meant that I'd be tortured. For a moment, I felt powerful. The bindings on my wrists didn't matter. The gag in my mouth wasn't important. I was going to fight.

I wiggled my way around the trunk, searching with my hands for some sort of weapon. The car turned and I rolled to one side of the trunk, bumping my already injured head on the wheel base. I groaned and blinked away the dizziness and the fog that threatened to take me under again. My hands searched frantically until I finally found something: A jut of cold metal that had somehow been pried from its place along the inside of the trunk as if it had been snagged on something at one point. It was sharp but I wasn't sure if it was sharp enough. It would have to be. I started rubbing the rope—that had been twisted around my wrists over and over—against the metal. It caught my skin. I could feel the gash on my wrist and the wet blood that oozed from it but I kept going. If I did anything in my life that meant something, it would be this.

Every couple of minutes, I'd turn my fingers up and feel my progress. It was slow but the rope was becoming frayed. I rejoiced in my head and got my second wind; I grunted as I moved the rope hysterically over the sharp edge.

The car slowed. _No, no just a few more minutes…_

Then it took a sharp turn and I rolled away from the metal. I panicked, rolling and fumbling until I found the metal again but it was too late. The car came to a stop and the engine was cut off. I kept rubbing as both car doors opened and slammed shut. Just as the trunk popped open, the rope tore apart and I groaned at the joyful feeling that rushed through me. But I didn't pull my hands apart nor did I desperately grab at the gag in my mouth like I wanted to. I had to stay calm and gain surprise when it most benefitted me. Edward had taught me that.

Edward's face was the one that appeared when the trunk creaked open and if I thought I'd seen a fire in his eyes before, I hadn't. This was fire. This was rage. This was passion and madness. He was just as determined as me.

"Get her out," James commanded.

Edward wrapped his arms around me gently and guided me out of the trunk.

"I swear, I'm going to get you through this, Bella," he murmured to me. I hugged him the best I could by nuzzling my face into the crook of his neck.

James whacked Edward on the back of the head with the butt of a gun and he shuffled unsteadily on his feet but he kept his hold on me. We were out in the middle of nowhere but I could see the dark sky lit up by the city lights of Chicago on the horizon.

"Shut the fuck up, lover boy!" James grabbed my elbow and yanked me toward him with reluctance on Edward's part. "Take the gag out of her mouth. I like to hear my Bella beg."

Edward pulled the tie down from around my head and took a sock out of my mouth. He let his finger linger on my cheek before he dropped his hand. I coughed and sputtered and gasped for fresh air.

"Just let him go, James." My voice was hoarse. "I told you that I'd go with you if you left him alone. I promised that—"

I was cut off by a jerk of my hair and jab to my stomach with the gun. Edward flinched but kept his position. I struggled to keep my hands behind my back instead of clutching onto my aching stomach.

"Turns out, you're going to have to earn my trust," he spat.

What I did next was either incredibly brave or downright stupid. I spat in his face. My saliva was tinged with blood and the pink fluid landed right in his eyes. This was Edward's chance and he took it. He grabbed at the gun and twisted James' arm so that the gun was pointed toward the stars. It went off and I screeched.

"Bella, fucking run!" Edward yelled.

I did. But I wasn't going far. I ran in search of something, anything to help take James down. I found a good size rock that would be meeting his skull soon if I had anything to say about it—hopefully, repetitively. As I rushed back, the gun went off again and I ducked behind the car for cover.

"Bella! If you don't get back here, I'm going to put a bullet in his skull!"

Edward grunted. "He's going to do it anyway, Bella! Get out of here!"

I peeked around the car and saw Edward facing the ground, on his hands and knees with James pressing the gun to the back of his head.

"I'm right here! Please, James, please…" I stepped out from behind the car, the rock tucked firmly in my hand. In case he hadn't seen my hands free, I kept them behind my back so that he'd think they were still tied.

"Bella, no…" Edward said, his head flopping down in defeat.

"Come here, Bella," James said smugly. "Come here and I won't kill him."

I shifted on my feet. "Let him go and I will go with you."

He barked out a laugh. "You never were that smart. I'm the one with the gun so I get to make the deals and the deal I just laid out is the best you're going to get."

Slowly, I walked toward him and when I got close enough, he grabbed me by the elbow. He dragged me away from Edward and bent me over the closed trunk of the car. The rock was between our bodies but he didn't seem to realize what it was. I concentrated on the rock that was clutched in my hand instead of the way he pressed his body against mine. The gun was cold against my temple and I watched Edward shakily get off the ground.

"I've had a lot of time to think about things these past five months, Bella. I've made lists, you know. I've gotten really creative about what I'm going to make you do and the things I'm going to do to you…" He chuckled darkly in my ear. "Oh, we're going to have so much fun." I tried to struggle against him in an effort to make him realize that I wasn't going down easy. "But, I can't do that shit knowing that he's still alive."

The cold metal left my temple and I screamed. James pointed the gun at Edward and time seemed to freeze. Edward looked into my eyes and I didn't see fear, I didn't see pain. What I saw was adoration and regret. He didn't care if he died but he wanted to see me live. Just as James pulled the trigger, I brought my leg back and managed to lay a hard kick on his shin. He grunted and cursed and rammed my forehead into the car but I managed to keep my focus on Edward as he fell to the ground.

"There, see? That wasn't so hard, was it?" James lifted off me slightly. "Now, we can move on with our lives."

Part of me wanted to collapse in on myself and sob for what I'd just lost. I wanted to throw myself on Edward and die with him, beg his soul to take mine to wherever it was he was going but I couldn't. There was still the matter of the asshole lying against my back.

"You know I've thought this through, baby, so don't worry," James said in my ear in a creepy soothing voice. "As soon as they notice that you're missing, those fucking neighbors of yours are going to tell the police about how you ran from me. So, we're going someplace exotic. You always used to ramble on and on in college about how you wanted to travel and…"—He flashed his teeth in a big, shaky smile—"I'm glad that I'm the one who gets to take you places. Money might be tight for a little while since I spent a good portion of my bank account trying to find my runaway bride but we'll find ways around that. Now that your pussy has had some exercise, I'm sure you won't mind using it to provide for us for a little while."

I whimpered and he pulled my head back toward him, using a fistful of my hair. Then he tilted his head and an expression that almost seemed sympathetic crossed over his face. "Don't worry, my sweet little whore, just because other men stick their cocks in you that doesn't mean that I'm not going to want you." His tone was sad and he pulled me to him, pressing his lips to mine for a brief moment. I struggled to pull away and I kept my mouth tightly closed. "I think I'm proving that now, considering what you've been doing with that dead fucker over there on the ground. Of course, you'll be punished but I still love you." He sighed and pressed his lips together as he looked at Edward's prone form. "I gotta say, though, that guy was pretty fucking loyal to you. He did everything I asked him to do, including tying you up and shoving that sock in your mouth just because I had a knife at your throat." He let out a wicked laugh. "Poor idiot, he probably thinks that you actually cared about him."

"How did you find me?" I asked.

He cringed and let out a sigh. "Can't we talk about this shit later? I'm anxious to get you home, baby. Nobody will have anything on _our_ makeup sex."

As soon as he pulled me off the trunk and loosened his hold, I started fighting. He wasn't expecting it since all he'd remembered about me was his submissive little captive, afraid and useless. I kneed him, aiming for his crotch. I missed but I managed to get him good enough in the thigh that he staggered backward. That was my opportunity. I pulled my hands apart and nailed him in forehead with the rock. He fell backwards and almost went down but he didn't so before his world stopped spinning, I did it again. His arms reached for me, blindly trying to get my weapon away from me but he was weak from the blows to the head and I could feel the anger inside of me that had built up through the past year. I unleashed it as I thought about the scar on my back, the unnatural fear that took me over on a daily basis, and the poor blond girl whose life he'd taken in Oklahoma. My teeth came together hard as I pictured Rose and Sammy and Emily, remembering what he threatened to do to them. I just kept hitting until he was still.

Slowly, I got up and kept my eye on his still form as I ran over to Edward because there was no fucking way I was leaving him out here, alive or dead. I put my hand to his neck and found a pulse. His chest was rising and falling with slow shallow breaths. He was alive. The bullet got his shoulder and I prayed it wasn't fatal. There was so much blood. It was covering his t-shirt and starting to pool on the ground underneath him.

"Oh God…oh God…" I whispered over and over. "Edward, open your eyes!"

The sound of groaning caught my attention and I whipped my head up toward James. He was staggering to his feet, his eyes searching the ground for his gun.

"Why won't you just leave me the fuck alone?" I yelled out of fury.

I was so focused on Edward and James' search for his weapon that I didn't hear the nearby rumbling of a car engine. There were no headlights. All I saw was the smile on James' face when he finally located his pistol and then BAM! The car hit him with a grand force, his body bent at an awkward angle as he collided with the large hood of the vehicle. I covered Edward with my body even though we were far enough away that we wouldn't get hit. The car engine was cut off and the headlights came on, illuminating James' broken body. As the car door opened and closed, James rolled a little in an attempt to get away. The driver walked over to his crippled body and leaned over him, almost as if he were whispering to him. James kicked his feet in struggle and then he was quiet. Dead quiet.

"Bella, are you okay?"

"Jake?" I cried. "Edward was shot! We need to get him to a hospital!"

Jake leaned down to examine Edward's wounds and I peeked around him to look at James. He'd come back so many times and I kept imagining him popping up, gun in hand and ready to kill.

"He's not going to hurt you again, honey. I made sure of that."

If it weren't for Edward, I would have spent more time thanking Jake. Probably with a hug and a few tears but there wasn't time. The man I loved was possibly dying in front of me and I couldn't let that happen.

"Please, help me get him to a hospital," I begged.

"Of course, Bella," Jake mumbled as he pulled Edward's upper body off the ground. Edward groaned with the movement. "Looks like the bullet went straight through so that's good. Can you get his legs and I'll get his upper body?" I nodded. "Okay, I'm going to go open the door to the backseat."

"Okay, hurry!"

Jake scrambled up and ran to his car.

"Bella…"

I gasped. "Edward! Edward, you're going to be okay!"

"Don't…don't go, Bella…" His voice was weak and his lips were dry.

"I'm not going anywhere," I told him, squeezing his hand. "We're going to take you to a hospital where they're going to make you better."

"I promised that I wouldn't let him…hurt you. He hurt you, Bella."

I shook my head and tried to smile. "No, no, he didn't; I'm fine!"

"Okay, let's get moving," Jake said, bending over Edward. "Oh, he's awake?"

"Barely," I said. "Can you move, Edward?"

He grunted and then closed his eyes again.

"Well, there's the answer to that," Jake mumbled as he pushed his arms under Edward's lifeless shoulders.

The drive to the hospital was twenty minutes but it seemed to take forever. Edward drifted in and out of consciousness and he mumbled my name a few times. I tried to keep him awake but my pleas fell on deaf ears. He was on his own schedule, it seemed. As soon as we got there, they rushed him to the Trauma Unit where I wasn't permitted to go.

Only when the swinging doors closed and he was rolled out of sight, did I permit myself to fall to my knees and cry. And I cried hard.

**XxXxXxX**

The next few hours were a blur. I was put behind my own set of swinging doors when I was able to pull myself together long enough to stand. Jake stood beside me and I was grateful for it. They did an MRI and some X-rays and luckily, I didn't have any serious damage except a few stitches in my head which was where all the blood had come from. I hadn't realized how covered in it I was until Jake held a small mirror up in front of me so that I could see.

"Oh my God," I mumbled. "I…I don't even…"

He pulled the mirror away and put it on the table by my bed. "The doctor said that it looks worse than it is. You were lucky, Bella."

"Have they said anything about Edward?"

He shook his head. "I think he's still in surgery. They're asking about relatives they can call. Do you know anyone?"

"He hasn't spoken to his parents in years and he's never mentioned anyone else to me. Rose might know…have you talked to Rose?"

"She's coming," he said simply. "Is there anyone I can call for you?"

My chin trembled and my entire body shivered. "My dad—I need to call my dad but I don't…" An unexpected sob came out of my throat. "I don't know if I can talk to him without crying."

"I'll call him, honey." He put a pen and a notebook down on my lap. "Just write down his number for me."

I managed to write legibly which was a positive sign. Jake smiled at me and handed me a bowl of warm water and a clean, dry washcloth for my face.

"The nurse said she'd be in to clean you up but I thought maybe you'd want to get started. That can't be comfortable, especially now that you've seen yourself."

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I don't know how—"

He stopped me with a finger to my lips. "You don't have to thank me, Bella. I'm just sorry that I didn't do shit differently. I should have called the police as soon as I heard you scream but… All I had to go on was my hearing and I was afraid that with my ear occupied, I'd lose track of you. It wasn't long after I heard you that I saw them leaving, you in Edward's arms. My plan was to get in my car and start following, and then call when I was behind you but my stupid fucking cell phone couldn't pick up a signal when we got out of the city." He gritted his teeth together at the frustrated memory. "I had to keep following you and either wait for my phone to pick up a signal or take him out when the situation presented itself. If he wasn't armed with a gun, it would have been a hell of a lot quicker."

"Edward wasn't…he didn't…"

"Bella, I know that he only carried you out of there to protect you. I would have done the same damn thing." He cleared his throat and spoke softer. "You don't have to worry about that prick ever again, okay?"

"Did you…was he still alive after you hit him?"

He smirked. "He's not now and that's the important thing, right?"

I blew out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding.

The nurse came in and helped me clean up. After constant pestering and some annoyed looks on her part, she finally left to get an update on Edward's surgery but not before giving me a heavy dose of pain medication. My mind was on constant alert for her return, in hopes of good news, but my eyelids were heavy with awaiting drug-induced sleep. I fought against it and was relieved to see her come back in with a pinched up face.

"He just got out but they said that everything went well," she told me.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to find him and crawl up in bed next to him so that I could run my fingers through his hair. I wanted to shout out a "Thank you!" and an "Amen!" all at once. But what I actually did was sleep.

**XxXxXxXxX**

When I woke up a few hours later, Rose was sitting in the corner of the room with her head tilted back. A loud obnoxious snore was coming from her open mouth and her legs were spread out in front of her. I smiled at my friend, who'd come down here in the middle of the night to watch me sleep. I'd never find another one like her. As much as I wanted to let her sleep, she would have killed me if I didn't wake her up.

"Rose," I mumbled.

She responded immediately. According to her, one of the throwbacks of motherhood was the inability to fall into a heavy sleep. An unladylike snort was released from her nostrils as she lifted her head from the back of the chair. She blinked at me a few times before reacting.

"Bella," she murmured sleepily. "You look like shit."

I smiled even though it hurt the parts of my face that had been bruised and split open by the assault. "At least I'm not sawing logs with my sinuses."

She let out a sound of disbelief. "I was not."

"You didn't have to stay here, Rose," I told her as she stood from the chair and stretched her legs. "I'm sure my dad is on his way here and you have the kids to take care of tomorrow."

She shrugged. "Emmett is going to take a sick day tomorrow so that I can come home and sleep a little. He's cool like that."

"How's Edward? Do you know? Have you seen him?"

"The surgery went well. They patched him up like new. I went in and sat with him a while when I first got here but he was completely out." She pointed to my IV pole. "That's good stuff. You were pretty out yourself when I got here."

"How long ago was that?"

"A couple of hours ago; I had to tell them that you're my sister in order to get in."

She sat down beside me on the bed and grabbed my hand. I loved this girl as much as a sister.

"I'm so sorry, Rose." Tears came easily and I sniffed. "I should have never gotten close to any of you. Everything was—"

"Hey, hey, Bella, what are you sorry for? You didn't hide anything from us? We knew your circumstances. There's nothing to be sorry for."

I swallowed. "I should have never…what if he'd gone after Emily? He knew about her…he knew about all of you. He must have found me a few days ago; long enough for him to learn that I care for you guys." I cringed and wiped my eyes with my palm. "Oh, God, he saw me through the window when…"

Rose wrapped her arms around me and held me while I cried. Even though my muscles ached from the pressure, the feel of her arms around me was better than any pain medication. It seemed like a really long time before she let me go and my tears had nearly dried up.

"We love you and there's nothing to be sorry for," Rose soothed. "I'm just thankful that you're okay and that monster is dead. He's gone for good and now you can get on with your life."

"I love you, too."

"Now you just have to think about—"

A commotion in the hallway cut Rose off.

"No, she's not my daughter but I need to see her! I'm a very close friend and…what do you mean, she can't see visitors?"

My eyes widened. "That's Esme!"

Rose made a face. "I called her but I didn't think she'd come down here."

"I understand that it's one in the morning but she doesn't have a…get your hands off me!"

"Oh fuck! I better go save her!"

I shooed Rose toward the hall. "Tell them that she's my Aunt or something!"

Rose must have been convincing because a few minutes later, Esme rushed into the room and wrapped me into her arms. The tears didn't seem to have an end. These hugs felt so good. I wanted to bathe in their hugs. I wanted to be squeezed until I felt nothing but pure joy. Rose and Esme had no idea how grateful I was for them being there but I made sure to tell them through bubbles of snot and wet, slurred words.

"I'm so glad you're okay, sweetheart," Esme cooed. "When Rose called me…it was like hearing about my daughter all over again. Carlisle tried to talk me out of it but I snuck out after he fell asleep."

I let a few wet giggles. "What if he wakes up and freaks out that you're not there?"

"I left him a note on top of the cherry cheesecake that I told him to stay away from. If he finds the note, he's guilty of a forbidden midnight snack. My bases are covered."

Rose looked impressed. "I'll have to write that one down."

I told them the basics of what happened because I felt like I owed it to them for being there for me. They both got emotional and each of them grabbed my hand at the most difficult parts. The worst being when Edward was shot.

"He's going to be fine, Bella," Rose said. "You'll probably get to visit him tomorrow. Actually, they'll probably only keep him here for a couple of days."

"Do you think he's mad at me?"

Rose screwed her face up. "What? Why would he be mad at you?"

"It's my fault, Rose."

"Bella, listen to me and listen good. None of this is your fault. The reason Edward got hurt is because of that piece of shit…the same piece of shit that hurt you. Edward will be elated to see you, especially in one piece."

"You think?"

Esme nodded frantically. Rose gave me a stare to illustrate that she thought my question was ridiculous.

A few minutes later, I got more hugs and they told me that they'd see me tomorrow after I got released. Esme was going home to check on Carlisle and Rose was going to sit with Edward in case he woke up. It didn't take me long for the excitement of my visitors to exhaust me. As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about Edward being under the same roof as me. I wondered if he was dreaming or if he woke up in spurts, speculating on what had happened to me. I pictured his smile, his eyes, the way he rubs his jaw with his knuckle when he's irritated and I imagined his arms around me in a strong embrace. And I was smiling.

**XxXxXxX**

Someone was shaking my leg. Then my arm. I groaned because this kind of deep dreamless sleep was priceless, even if it was the result of good pain meds.

"Ms. Swan? Can you open your eyes?" Briefly, I thought about it but they were oh, so heavy. Sleeping was nice… "Ms. Swan? I think she's coming to…" _What? No, I'm not. I'm sleeping. Leave me alone._ This time the shake was more aggressive and the voice was more annoyed. "Ms. Swan! Can you open your eyes?"

Fine. I blinked my eyes open to see two male faces staring back at me. My vision swirled and my head was too heavy to lift. A nurse stood off to the side, looking annoyed. Whether her expression was due to my visitors or my lack of consciousness, I wasn't sure.

One of them smiled. "There she is…Ms. Swan, my name is Detective Barry Gorecki and this is my partner, Detective Milton Ambrose. We're here to talk to you about what happened with…"—he flipped through a tiny little notebook he had been holding in his hand—"James Linton. Can you tell us what happened?"

I struggled to pull myself upright and I blinked to stay focused. The grogginess of sleep kept me from processing their words in a normal amount of time.

"Did you know Mr. Linton?" the other one asked.

"Uh…yeah, I was engaged to him at one point."

Detective Gorecki scribbled something in his notebook.

"Can you tell us what happened last night?"

I cleared my throat. "Well, he was—"

"Can't she do this later?" That voice. _Oh my God…that voice._

Every person in the room turned to look at the stocky man in the doorway. The man who'd interrupted the questioning in an effort to rescue me from divulging my sad tale to a room full of strangers. He looked exhausted and his clothes were wrinkled. His eyes crinkled when he looked at me and his hands were strong fists at his sides.

"Daddy…"

He rushed over to me, nearly knocking down one of the detectives in the process. I couldn't remember hugging my father before, not like this. There were goodbye hugs that almost seemed mandatory and awkward loose hugs to say hello. This was a real hug. A hug that made me smile and weep and internally sing all at the same time. It was what I'd been dreaming about for over a year.

"Bella…" I didn't know that Charlie Swan could fall victim to tears but he did as he held me. For a moment, I almost felt like the strong one but then he pulled back and his eyes swept over the bruises on my face, the cuts on my lip.

"Can't we do this later?" His voice was directed at the Detectives but his eyes never left my face. "She's on pain medication and it's difficult for her to focus."

"Sir, with all due respect, victims lose details from incidents with each passing minute. If we could just ask a few questions, we'll be on our way. I'm sure she can—"

"No," my dad said.

Detective Ambrose scoffed. "Excuse me?"

My dad finally turned to them and gave him his long hard cop stare. I was on the receiving end of that stare a few times and it wasn't easy to keep from squirming. Barry did okay but Milton shifted a little on his feet. "The guy is dead, right?"

Barry cleared his throat. "Well, this is considered a homicide until—"

"Is my daughter a suspect?"

"Everyone is at this point, sir."

"She has rights and it is her right to keep her mouth shut until she's ready to talk. You can get a fucking warrant or we can voluntarily drive to the precinct later today when her head is clear and you can ask all the damn questions you'd like. But for right now, you both need to leave."

They stared at him for a moment before Barry flipped his notebook closed and sighed. "Do you know where District 18 is? It's downtown on North Larrabee."

"We'll find it," my dad replied. "What time?"

"Can you do three this afternoon?"

My dad looked down at me and I nodded.

"We'll be there," he told them.

The next few hours until I was released were odd. My dad avoided any kinds of questions about James or my ordeal, probably figuring he'd hear the whole story when I told the police later that afternoon. Instead, he went out of his way to make sure I was comfortable, almost to a point of being annoying. Suddenly, the fact that I was cold was the biggest deal in the world to him. It was nice but odd.

I'd wanted to see Edward before I left but there wasn't time. By the time the doctors told me I could go, it was almost three. My dad got directions from one of the nurses on how to get to the 18th district where we were meeting the detectives.

The building was intimidating—big and old and historical. Inside was even worse. Officers looked at my bruised face with a mixture of curiosity and sympathy, even though they didn't know who I was. Or maybe they did, I don't know. Detective Ambrose came out to greet us and he shook my dad's hand with stiffness like men do. They took me into a room that was much more comfortable than I imagined. I thought I'd be put into one of those interview rooms where they put criminals since I was considered a suspect in a homicide. I should have been more worried but I wasn't. There were no questions who the victims were in this situation and one of them wasn't James.

It was more of an office. Detective Ambrose stood while Barry sat behind the desk. My dad and I sat in padded chairs that looked much more comfortable than they were.

"So, Ms. Swan, we're going to ask you some questions and it's going to be recorded." He tapped a tiny little device on his desk. "They aren't going to be easy questions but you will need to answer them as honestly and in as much detail as you can."

I nodded and squeaked out an "Of course."

"Tell us how you know James Linton."

And I did. They didn't need to ask many more questions because the story spilled out of my mouth as if my tongue had been waiting for this moment for decades. I told them about the months I spent with him before he went to Iraq and his behavior when he came home. My dad stiffened as I told him about my first day in Oklahoma but he stayed silent. When I told him about the girls, it was the first time I broke down. The one he'd killed, the ones he dragged away and whose fates were unknown.

"Do you know where he picked these girls up?" Ambrose asked.

I shook my head. "He never talked about anything to me but I did hear him talking on the phone with some of his friends about a bar that they went to. I can't…I can't remember the name but it had to have been close to home. Was he still enlisted?"

Barry licked his lips. "He went AWOL a few months ago and the house that he owned went under. It was bought by the bank."

"So, it's been cleaned out," I remarked.

Barry nodded. "We contacted Oklahoma State Police as soon as we got an ID on Linton. Did you only see him kill one girl?"

I nodded. "But I don't know what he did with the others. He could have killed them too."

"How did you get away from him if he kept you locked up when he wasn't home?"

I told them about my escape and coming to Chicago. They watched me intently and I wondered if they were trying to pick out lies from my eyes. I kept Esme out of it because she'd broken the law when she hired me but everything else I spilled.

"Why didn't you contact your father?" Ambrose asked.

I looked at my dad and from his expression, I could tell that he was wondering the same thing.

"James was living there with him and he'd threatened to hurt my family, already. If I told my dad anything and James found out, I was afraid…" I made a pass over my eyes with my fingers and it made my bruises ache. "I didn't want anyone else hurt."

"Do you know how he found you?"

"He didn't tell me," I replied.

"I do," my dad piped in. "James left Forks a few weeks ago after telling me that he had a lead on where you were. When I asked him, he told me that he ran into a friend of yours that had seen you. He'd brush off my questions about who and where and…"—my dad's hands formed tight shaky fists on the arms of the chair he was sitting in—"I had planned to go with him but he left in the middle of the night. That's when I knew that something wasn't right about him; he didn't even tell me where he was going."

My dad cleared his throat and took a deep breath before continuing. "Yesterday, I ran into Jessica Newton at the diner where she works and she asked me if we'd heard anything. She said she'd run into you in Chicago and that she'd told James exactly where she saw you. I should have…I should have been on a fucking plane as soon as she…" He trailed off, shaking his head and breathing through his emotions.

"Well, once he knew the area you were living in, he probably showed your picture around or cruised the area until he spotted you. Did you go out a lot?"

I shrugged. "I went to a bookstore a lot and over the weekend, I went out to dinner and a club."

Barry raised his eyebrows. "A club?"

I swallowed audibly and felt the need to explain but I couldn't find the words.

"Okay, tell me about James being in Chicago," he said, moving past the whole club issue. "When did you first see him?"

"In my apartment last night…"

My brain felt disconnected from the words that were coming out of my mouth. I felt like a robot, rehashing each time he'd hit me and the gunshot that caused harm to the man who swore to protect me.

Ambrose flipped through his notebook after I'd finished. "Do you know Arthur Livingston?"

I swallowed hard. "He's my landlord."

He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, we spoke with him this morning and he reluctantly confessed to letting James Linton into your apartment yesterday afternoon. Apparently, he was paid a thousand dollars to drop a spare key into the bushes outside your building where it was picked up a few minutes later by the suspect."

They took a statement from my dad, too. He told them about the worry he saw in James' eyes and the "fucking fantastic acting job" that he put on while he stayed with him in Forks. His voice was laced with guilt that I didn't have the energy to try and ease. They also took several pictures of the scars on my back and the current bruises on my face and arms.

By the time I walked out of the police station, I was numb and exhausted. My dad stood close to me but he was oddly quiet as he walked me to the car.

"Do you have much stuff in your apartment?" he asked after turning the engine over.

"Not much that I need right now," I mumbled. "I need to go to the hospital and visit Edward."

He cleared his throat. "Maybe you should just wait and call him when you get back to Forks."

I cut my eyes to him. "Did you not hear what I told them in there? Edward saved my life. I can't just leave without talking to him."

"Bella, this is a part of your life that you don't need anymore," he explained, his tone of voice saying it as if it was common sense.

I sighed and ground my molars together. "I know I need to go back to Forks with you but that doesn't mean that I'm going to stay there."

His jaw ticked and his grip on the steering wheel tightened. "Forks is your home."

"Chicago is my home now, too," I told him. "The people I've met here…I love them, Dad. They opened their lives to me even when they knew it was dangerous. I can't just leave them and pretend that they don't exist."

"You owe them nothing, Bella," he told me.

"I owe them everything!" I surprised even myself with my scream.

Silently, he drove me back to the hospital in his rented purple Kia. In any other circumstance, the sight of my dad driving the small purple car would have been hilarious. Somehow, the humor failed me as I got out of the car and he reluctantly followed me. The doors slid open to allow us entrance and I walked to the visitor's desk where an older volunteer nearly jumped out of her skin when she looked up at me and saw the bruises on my face..

"Oh, dear! You need the Emergency Room! That's around the other side of the building. Can you walk—"

"Oh, no, I've already been checked out, Ma'am." She sighed out of relief. "I'm here to visit a friend. His name is Edward Masen."

She typed into her computer and came back with room number 418. As the elevator rose, so did my anxiety. What if he really did hate me? What if he realized that I wasn't worth all the pain and trouble I'd caused? Then my emotions flipped and I thought about what life would be like now that I didn't have to worry about James. We could have an actual relationship without my fear getting in the way. Sure, there were still issues but I was stronger with Edward. He was my constant.

I could work for Esme legally. I could use my credit card. I could get a freaking bank account. A strong sense of freedom washed over me and I smiled as we found Edward's room.

"Do you mind if I go in by myself?" I asked my dad.

He grunted but shook his head.

The room was small but private. His eyes were closed but he didn't look like he was sleeping. As soon as I sat down in the chair next to his bed, his eyes blinked open and he stared at me.

"Bella…" He tried to sit up straighter but cringed at the movement.

"Don't…don't move," I told him.

"Are you okay?" His eyes traveled all over my face, from one bruise to the next.

"I'm fine. Are you okay?"

He put his hand on the shoulder that was shot. "I'm going to have a kick-ass scar to add to my collection."

I switched seats from the chair to the edge of the bed and I grabbed his hand. "I'm so sorry, Edward. You have no idea how horrible I feel that—"

His hand squirmed out of my tight grasp and he put it gently on my cheek. I leaned into his touch. "Bella, don't…just don't apologize. I wish I could have kept him from hurting you. I never should have left you to get food. We knew that it was possible that he knew where you and…"

"You're not mad at me?"

He snorted. "Mad at you? How could I be mad at you?"

I stared into his eyes and there was something different. It worried me. The fire that was so typically layered into his irises was off.

"They told me that he's dead. Good riddance."

"Did you know that Jake saved us?"

He smirked. "Yeah, I guess I'm going to have to change my mind about the guy." He shook his head and smiled at himself. "Rose said that your dad is here."

"Yeah, he's in the hall."

He nodded. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow, I think. I won't be in Forks for long, though. Just a few weeks so I can—"

"What?"

His reaction made me blanche. "I'm going back to take care of a few things but I'm coming back."

With a sigh, he ran his hand over his face. "You need to go back home and have a good life."

"I can have a life here," I retorted. "You don't…want me to come back?"

For a moment, he didn't answer and I could feel my chest starting to ache. "You deserve better, Bella. You deserve better than that shitty apartment, that simple job at the bookstore…you deserve better than me."

I shook my head frantically and put a hand on my chest where I swear my heart was literally breaking. "I like my apartment, I love my job with Esme, and I love…" His eyes met mine and the full fire was back, exploding around in the green. "I love you, Edward."

There were several good reactions that he could have given me to that statement but looking pained wasn't one of them. His face twisted and he shook his head. "You don't love me, Bella. You need to go home, to Washington, find a man that is worthy of you and have his babies. You deserve to be happy."

"So, all this time that we've been together, it's meant nothing to you? It's been a diversion to take my mind off of my problems?"

"I didn't say that," he murmured. "All I want is for you to have a shot at happiness. Now that he is gone, you have the opportunity to do that."

I shook my head in disbelief. "I thought I would get that opportunity…with you."

"I promised you that I'd protect you and I didn't do that. You deserve so much better and once you get back home, you'll see how right I am about that."

"Do you care about me at all?" I asked, a sole tear running down my cheek. "Is this at least hard for you or have you been wanting to send me away…"

He swallowed and brushed the tear away with a gentle stroke of his thumb. "You have no idea how much I care about you."

"I want you to say it," I hissed. "Look at me in the eyes and tell me that you don't want me here and I'll go."

Using his good arm, he trailed his fingertips along my cheek and around to the nape of my neck. He gently pulled me to him; his breath was like sunshine on my face. I thought I had him. I thought he was going to kiss me senseless and tell me what a fool he was being. But when his lips met mine in a gentle, soft kiss I knew…I knew it was goodbye. I broke the kiss, closed my eyes and let out a shaky sob.

"Look at me, Bella." I shook my head, as my forehead rested against his. "Please, try to understand what I want is only for you to be happy. It hurts now but in a few months, you'll thank me for it. If you stayed, you'd resent me."

"No, no, I wouldn't. I promise that I—"

"Please, look at me, Bella."

On a deep exhale, I opened my eyes; my flooded vision did no good to blur the passion in his eyes. They burned into me, sucking out my soul and all the goodness that he'd deposited into me the past four months. I couldn't survive if he…

"I don't want you here, Bella."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Gah! Silly Edward and his masochistic tendencies. **_

_**I don't know much about homicide investigations or hospitals so if there were any mistakes, I ask you kindly to cope with it. :) **_

_**So, who do you want to throttle more? Edward for the obvious? Jake for not calling the police? Or Charlie for being grouchy and overprotective? Where does Bella go from here? Lemme know what you think? **_

_**I have a long weekend of working plus I think I'm getting a cold...do you know what the doctor recommends for these kinds of situations? REVIEWS! ;)**_


	22. Chapter 21 The light

_**A/N: Major fail on review replies. Thanks to the flu, I've been in bed for the past two days. :( I appreciate all the reviews! **_

_**This chapter is long but I needed for it to be. There was no way around it so sit down, hold hands with the person next to you and sing "This Little Light of Mine" because this one is going to be tough. **_

_*****Please keep in mind that this is Bella's perspective & also consider the time frame for this chapter.*****_

_**Song rec- "Amsterdam" by Coldplay & "Possibility" by Lykke Li (That's for you Lynn Pepper!)**_

* * *

><p><strong>Twenty One<strong>

I hugged Rose. I called Esme. They both told me that I was welcome back anytime and that they would keep in touch with me. I tried not to cry. I tried to smile. Everything that I'd wished for the past year was actually happening. I was with my dad. I was going back to Forks. The smile on my face should have been genuine. Instead it was painfully forced.

Edward didn't want me there. After he told me that, all I could simply do was walk out. He called out my name, told me to wait but I just kept walking. It would have been easier if I'd thought for a moment that he meant it but he didn't. He was trying to do the "right thing". The thing was, I wasn't sure exactly why he was sending me away. Edward had a habit of making himself suffer but he'd told me that he thought I would be happier in Washington. Perhaps, he was killing two birds with one stone: Self-torture and take care of Bella, all at once. He must feel like a fucking hero.

The glass of the airplane window felt good against my aching forehead as we flew back to Seattle. I pretended to sleep to avoid my dad's cautious gaze and questions about my comfort. My chest ached with emptiness and my stomach tightened with every bump of turbulence. The bruises all over my body ached if accidentally brushed. The sutures in my head itched. But I kept still and pretended to sleep.

When we pulled up in front of the house where I was raised, my dad cut off the engine. I couldn't move. The house that I longed to see for so long felt different. I looked at it suspiciously as my dad put his hand on the door handle and glanced at me.

"You okay?" he asked.

A pang of fear rushed through me as I realized why my house felt different. "Where did he sleep?"

"Who, Bells?"

I cut my eyes to him. "You know who, Dad."

He sighed heavily but didn't answer. Instead, he got out of the truck and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his coat.

"He slept in my bed, didn't he?"

Absentmindedly, his fingers pulled at his moustache. He'd always seemed so strong to me: The stiff posture, the dark eyes and the perfectly groomed facial hair. You add his signature stare to the mixture and it was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow when I was younger. But now, as I watched him struggle to speak and shuffle his feet on the gravel of our driveway, his brawn wasn't impressive.

"I'm sorry, Bella. He said that it made him feel…closer to you."

I wanted to punch something. I wanted to cry. Instead, I climbed out of the seat and slammed the door to his truck in an effort to feel better. It didn't work.

"I'll whip us up something to eat," he mumbled as he set my bag on the floor. "Anything sound good? I still make a mean grilled cheese."

My eyes blinked slowly. "I'm going to lie down but thanks, dad."

"I told your mom that you'd call her when we got home. She's worried about you; wants to talk to you," he said and then pointed out, "Plus, you haven't eaten all day. You should eat before you lie down."

I offered him a small smile. "I just want to sleep. I'll call her tomorrow."

After throwing water on my face, cautious not to get the incision on my head wet, I avoided my room and lay down on the couch. My dad banged pots around in the kitchen as if he were trying to get a rise out of my taste buds. A short time later, he offered me food, yet again, and I pretended to be asleep. If I had to answer him, I was afraid I'd snap at him.

I wondered if Edward was still in the hospital. I summoned up an image of him on the insides of my eyelids and the ache in my chest doubled. The way he touched me, the way he looked at me, the way he took care of me... The memories made me clinch my fists.

Rose had told me to call her when I got to Forks but I didn't have the strength. The ache throbbed as I thought about each time I scampered across the hall to chat with her. Loneliness was painful.

Some sort of strange presence suffocated me; made it hard to breathe. I felt it wrap around me as I drifted off and it filled my dreams.

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of fresh coffee and some sort of breakfast food. Pancakes, that was it. I raised myself off the couch and stretched; my back popped and the crick in my neck slowly vanished. My muscles throbbed.

As I looked around, I suddenly felt it. The presence that had seemed thick in the air hit me and I nearly sobbed. My eyes swept over the living room. My dad's recliner. The worn out TV. The brown shaggy carpet. The sound of bacon sizzling on the stove crinkled through the air. It was home…but it wasn't.

He'd slept in my room. He ate at my kitchen table. He had lengthy conversations with my dad. He sat on this couch. He ate my dad's food. He talked on our phone. He looked at every picture that currently hung on our walls. He showered in our shower.

James was dead but his spirit was not.

**_~~November~~_**

"Bella! Hey, you want some dinner? I brought home pizza!"

I sighed. It felt good to lie down and I really wasn't hungry but I knew if I didn't eat, I'd get another lecture. There'd be more of the usual: "_Bella, you need to eat more…_" or "_Bella, you should get out more…_" or the infamous, "_Bella, so-n-so gave me a number of a really good therapist…_"

"What kind?" I asked as I met him in the kitchen.

"Pepperoni and mushroom," he replied, opening up the lid.

"Thick crust," I remarked.

His face fell. "You used to like thick crust, Bells. If you—"

Pizza made me think of Edward and the time he caught me ordering it in my sleep. My stomach tightened.

"No, it's fine, dad. I do like it. Thanks."

He shrugged a shoulder. "Dig in."

I washed my hands and plopped down on the chair next to him. With great effort, I managed to get down a whole piece and then I picked at the second one. My dad was silent but always watchful. I feigned ignorance.

"You remember Allie Caldwell? From the station?" he finally asked.

"The dispatcher?" He nodded. "Yeah, I remember her."

"She doesn't have much family and she wanted to know if we wanted to join her for dinner next Thursday." He shrugged and took a sip of his beer. "I thought it might be nice to get out of the house."

I quirked an eyebrow. "You get out of the house every day."

"You know what I mean," he said. "You need some fresh air, Bells."

I was starting to _hate_ it when he called me that.

"I'm not really interested in getting questionable stares all night by someone I don't even know. Thanks anyway."

My dad dropped his crust onto his plate and crossed his arms over his chest. "No one really knows what happened to you, you know. Sure, there are rumors and you only fuel those rumors when you stay holed up inside this house for weeks at a time."

"I don't care what people say," I said, my teeth grinding together. "Let them talk."

"Allie is a very nice lady and she just didn't want us to be alone next week. She was only—"

"Then, you go," I spat. "I don't think I'll be up to it."

He sighed shakily. "If you stay home, then I'm staying home. You can't be alone on Thanksgiving."

Thanksgiving? Oh. That's right.

"No, you should go. I'd be fine here. Really."

He shook his head. "We should do our own thing, you know? You used to love making dinner and then we could decorate for Christmas over the weekend. Wasn't that always the tradition when you were in high school?" He rested his elbows on the table and his face lit up as memories of Christmas past floated through his mind. I tried. I really did but I couldn't muster up the excitement. Dad was oblivious to my lackluster attitude. "We can crawl up into the attic, grab the Christmas stuff and make a weekend out of it."

"How long was James here?" I asked suddenly, surprising even myself with the question.

My dad shook himself out of his thoughts. "What?"

"How long was he here? Did he come right after I ran away or did he pretend to look for me for a while before making himself at home in your house?" I wasn't trying to be vindictive and it wasn't an accusation but his face fell just the same.

"Why is it important, Bella?"

Rage built up inside me. "A man who tortured me for months was living here and now I'm not supposed to wonder about it? Did you celebrate your birthday with him, Dad? Did you guys order pizza and watch football? Did you reminisce about my goofy high school years? Pull out the old photo albums that I put together and cry with each other over your loss?"

He slammed his palm on the table and I jumped. "Enough! That is enough, Bella!"

When I looked into his eyes and only saw pain, I winced with guilt. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"Bella, I don't know what you want from me."

"I don't want anything."

He sighed. "Maybe, that's the problem. All you do is stare at walls and sleep. You've lost at least five pounds in the past month. You're deteriorating right in front of my eyes and you don't..."

I snapped my eyes up to his. "I don't what?"

"You don't seem to give a shit."

I couldn't breathe. Everywhere I looked, there he was: Sitting at my dinner table, sipping coffee at the window, smirking wickedly behind my dad's back. I couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm going to bed," I mumbled.

Setting a frantic pace, I ran up the steps and slammed the bathroom door behind me. I was panting; almost wheezing. I discarded my clothes and jumped in the shower, turning the water on. It was cold, then warm, then blazing hot. I didn't care. I wanted to feel something besides the suffocation. I wanted to feel something besides this horrible ache in my chest that didn't ever seem to go away.

A pain shot through my knees as I fell on them, the hard tile hitting me right in the kneecaps. _I wanted…I wanted…I needed…_

Chicago. Edward. Rose. Esme. _Those hugs._ All those welcoming arms that wrapped around me and held me safely, like that's what they were made for. Enveloped in those gentle arms, I'd find peace again. I needed to go to them. If I showed up on Edward's doorstep, he'd take me in, right? If he didn't, Rose would or even Esme. They'd invite me in from the cold and help me find myself again. I'd found a piece of it in Chicago and it was left behind, in Edward's hospital room.

_He didn't want me…_

I ran to my room, naked and cold and grateful that my dad was still downstairs in the kitchen. I packed furiously, not even looking at what I was stuffing in my bag. As I yanked open my closet to find a sweatshirt, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that was hanging on the door.

Even when I lived with James, I hadn't looked so bad. I was the walking dead. My face was pale and my eyes wide and bloodshot. My hair. _When had a washed my hair last?_ _With actual shampoo?_ The bones in my hips stuck out and my ribs moved as I breathed. Tears filled my eyes as I did the unthinkable. Slowly, I turned around and looked over my shoulder at the carvings on my back. The word meant almost as much now as it did when he was alive. He owned me; I was _his_ no matter where I went or what I did. His tormenting presence would stay in my life as long as I lived. Chicago couldn't make that disappear.

I fell to my knees a second time and I welcomed the pain that shot up my thighs. Then I wept until every muscle in my body was strained and my eyes burned hot.

**_~~December~~_**

As the phone rang in my ear, I paced and twisted the phone cord around my finger. It rang four times and then went to voicemail. Rose must have given him this number. Irritated, I hung up the phone and then picked it right back up. Every rational voice in my head was screaming to drop it but I couldn't. I let it ring again. _One…Two…Three…Four…You've reached the voicemail box of Edward Masen. If you'd- _

"Fuck!" I screamed as I hung up the phone.

Immediately, I dialed Rose. She picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Rose, hey, it's Bella." My voice was shaky and fake. "How are you guys?"

"Bella! Hey, we're good. Just eating dinner." A man's voice yelled out a greeting. "Emmett says to say hi."

I grinned and bounced on my toes. "Tell him hi for me, too."

"I wasn't expecting a call from you until tomorrow. Is something wrong?"

Rose and I called each other every Sunday, just to keep in touch. I lied a lot. I told her that I was great and even made up stories about what I was doing. According to my fake-self, I had a job at the library and I was back to running. Oh, and I was taking a cooking class—a must for every girl who's been through a traumatic situation.

"Oh, no, I'm good. I just…I needed to hear your voice, Rose." Then I cried. Shamelessly.

"Bella, hey, what's going on? Talk to me, girl."

I wanted to go to her. I wanted to see Edward. I needed to feel him touching me, holding me, whispering in my ear that he'd never let anything or anyone ever hurt me again. He was the only place I'd feel safe and whole. My constant.

"I'm just having a really bad day," I blubbered. "Um…have you seen Edward lately?"

She hesitated. "Yeah, I see him all the time, Bella."

"Did…did he change his number because I've tried to call him and…" I trailed off, humiliated that I was doing this to Rose. "It's okay, I…I just wanted to talk to him. Make sure that he's doing okay. I've tried to call him and he's not answering so I just wanted to make sure that he's still there."

"I know you've been trying to call him, Bella and I've tried to talk to him about it but he has it in his mind that talking to him wouldn't help you. Personally, I think it would just make things harder on _him_ but he insists…"

My face lifted into a pathetic smile. "Can…can you just tell me one thing, Rose?"

"Of course, Bella."

"D-does he miss me? Does he…"—I paused to blow out a quiet sob—"Does he ask about me?"

Her voice grew sympathetic. "Bella, that man is falling apart here but he won't admit it. He misses you but he really feels like you need to be in Forks right now. You know him, he feels like he's on this planet to make everyone else happy but himself. I almost punched him in the nuts the other day for arguing with me about it."

I hated to ask this next question because I knew I'd regret it as soon as I hung up the phone. "Would you ask him to call me? Would you tell him that…that I miss him and that I really need to talk to him?"

Another hesitation. "I will but you know how stubborn he is, girl."

I wondered at that point if she was even telling me the truth. Maybe, she was just like everyone else and only telling me what I wanted to hear because I was weak and fragile and ridiculously stupid.

"Thanks," I said then hung up without bidding her goodbye.

I was tired. And sad. So I got an idea.

Fifteen minutes and a cold walk to a tiny grocery store down the street later, I was sitting on my front steps with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a pack of cigarettes in my hand. Depressed people seemed to thrive on alcohol and nicotine. Why not me?

Before I sat down, the familiar feel of the leather Trinity bracelet wiggled on my wrist. That day flashed back to me—him sitting on my couch and telling me how he was willing to give us a shot. He told me that he'd try and then he gave me that bracelet. Unbreakable and strong, that's what he'd called me. My hands shook with bitter rage as I remembered his green eyes staring into mine, telling me how important I was to him. Gnashing my molars together, I tore the bracelet off and heaved it into the bushes beside our house. _Fuck him_.

Then I panicked. That was the last physical evidence I had that Edward even existed in my life and I'd just thrown it away. I tugged at my hair and whimpered, staring off into the darkness of the bushes. After a couple of heaving sobs, surrender flooded through my bones and I plopped down on the concrete steps in front of our house.

I struggled to get the cellophane off the tiny box but managed after a few curses. Holding the cigarette in one hand and the bottle of whiskey in the other, I wondered what I looked like. A car drove by and slowed down as it neared my house and then sped up again after it had passed. If people hadn't talked before, they certainly would now. My dad would be thrilled. That thought made me laugh.

As if the heavens had sent him some sort of spiritual message, he pulled into the driveway and cut off the engine to his truck. He clicked off his headlights and got out, walking over to me with his chin tucked into his chest.

"What'cha doing, Bella?"

"Smoking." I held up the cigarette and then the bottle of Jack. "And drinking."

"Yeah, that'll help," he mumbled. "What's this all about?"

I shrugged. "Maybe, I'm channeling my former dead lover."

He winced then grimaced. "Cut that shit out and tell me what this is all about."

"I think I should go back to Chicago."

He blinked at me. "Why? So you can fall apart around a bunch of strangers? Is this how they deal with their problems in Chicago?"

"I have people there who love me," I murmured.

He scoffed. "And I don't love you?"

"Honestly, I don't really know…Charlie." I spat out his name and sneered, as if I hurled an insult at him.

"Okay. Get it out, Bella. Tell me how horrible I was to let you go off with him! Tell me what a fucking sad excuse for a father I am for allowing those things to happen to you! Yell at me! Scream at me! Hit me for Christ's sake! At least it would prove to me that you haven't given up on yourself! That there's still…something in that head of yours that's telling you to fight back!"

"How could you not know? How could you let him live with you and…and…and be a cop and not figure it out that he was a fucking monster?" I screamed at him, my voice echoing through the night. "You should have seen it, Dad! You should have known…"

He avoided looking at me and a pregnant pause filled the air.

"You're right," he whispered. "I-I let you down and…" He trailed off, the sound of his broken voice cutting through every artery of my heart. This hadn't been what I'd planned, to spit out accusations at my father but I had.

"I'm sorry, dad," I cried. "I just…my friends in Chicago understand me. I…can't live here when I know that he was here. It's…it's just too much."

His eyes cut to mine and I took a step back because I could see the rage that suddenly clashed with the pain. "Those friends of yours in Chicago…they should have called the police. They put your life at risk by not doing anything about it. How can you feel safe with people like that?"

I jumped up, furious and defensive, and threw the bottle of whiskey on the concrete porch. It shattered and I felt it splatter on my leg. "Those people did everything for me! They did everything that you couldn't!"

He opened his mouth to say something but snapped it closed before letting a long breath escape through his nostrils. "My daughter wouldn't run from this, Bella, and you're still my daughter whether you like it or not. If you go to Chicago, you can expect me to follow. I'm not leaving you for the vultures like you want me to do." He walked past me and kicked a large chunk of glass off the porch. "I'm not going to let you waste away."

I sat down where I was and cried into my hands. What had I just said to my own father? The man who'd shown up at all my boring track events in high school just to cheer me on? The man who allowed me to paint his toenails pink when I was eight? The man who would go to hell and back if it meant putting a smile on my face? Essentially, that's what living with me could be compared to—going to hell and back.

I was tired. Tired of crying. Tired of being dirty. Tired of not knowing who I was or where I was going. My dad was right—Chicago wasn't the answer to my problems.

With a groan, I stood up and headed toward the front door only to be stopped by a sudden noise. I gasped softly and felt my eyes burn with fresh tears. My heart stilled and I dug my fingernails into my palm. There was no sound in the world like the sound of a grown man weeping.

**_~~January~~_**

"Are you eating?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mom, I'm eating."

"Charlie told me that you were drinking. Are you still drinking?"

Positive that she was making a mountain out of a molehill from what Charlie had told her, I closed my eyes and let my head fall back on the car seat. Charlie had been upset and didn't know what to do with me so he'd called my mom the day that I had reached my lowest point. He probably told her what happened and she got what she wanted out of it which was that I was a chain smoking alcoholic on the verge of anorexia. My mom was nothing if not dramatic.

"I was never drinking," I told her. "But it's sweet that you're playing the concerned overprotective mother role with me. It's nice. A little foreign but nice."

She sighed loud enough to make sure that I heard her. "Bella, you know that I can't afford the airfare to come up there. It's not my fault that you won't answer the phone when I call. I know that you're there, listening when I leave messages. You can talk to me, you know."

"Thanks, Mom. I appreciate it. I've got to go; I'm here now."

"It's good that you're seeing that therapist but remember that you can always talk to me. I'm just a phone call away."

I didn't say what I really wanted to say—that I had no desire to tell her anything personal about myself. The sudden anger toward my mom had started with my first therapy session a couple of weeks prior. We hadn't even talked about her but somehow, I walked to my new used car with a stomp to my step as I thought about her lack of influence in my life.

With slight reluctance, I got out and headed toward the small office building that had been built only a few years ago when I was in school. New development was a rarity in Forks but when it was built, people came. The office I was heading to was sandwiched between a _Great Clips_ and a _Suds for Mutts_.

"Hey, Darlin'! I forgot you were comin' in today. I would have brought you that book that I was tellin' you about last week." Gloria Smartosky was a middle-aged heavyset lady with the brightest lipstick in Clallam County. I'd seen bright red, hot pink, and some color she said was called fuchsia but it looked pretty close to hot pink to me. When she'd smile, I'd get an eye-full of bright lips surrounding white lipstick smeared teeth. She was a sweet lady who'd won over my heart the day of my second session when I spotted her reading _Sense and Sensibility_ behind her desk. She told me that her daughter had gotten it for her for Christmas and she was determined to get through it but she had her doubts. I told her to push through it because it really was a great read. Then our friendship began…

"It is Thursday, Gloria. I'm here Tuesdays _and_ Thursdays because I'm just that nuts."

She waved me off with a flip of her wrist. "You should see the people that come and go from this place. All I can say is that it makes me feel pretty good about myself."

"Gloria, you weren't just talking about our clients, were you?" Dr. Leah Clearwater was standing in the doorway to her office with her arms crossed over her chest. Her eyebrow was quirked in warning but Gloria didn't seem to care.

"You should know it better than me, Leah. The people in this town have too much time on their hands."

Dr. Clearwater rolled her eyes. "How does Bella know that you're not talking about her, too?"

I looked at Gloria and grinned, amused that the snarky receptionist's expression had changed from nonchalant to slightly defensive.

"Well, I wouldn't say that to her if I meant she was one of the nutcases," she explained.

"Professional, Gloria, be professional," Leah begged. "Just because I'm married to your son doesn't mean that I won't fire you."

"Pffft!" Gloria spit a little on her computer with the skeptical noise. "If you fire me, then I'll have to move in with you and Gil." She winked at me as she continued, "Personally, I'd love to be a member of your household. I hear you make some fantastic pancakes."

Dr. Clearwater moaned. "Bella, my mother in law is cutting into your time. I'm sorry. Come on in."

I shrugged. "See you on the outside, Gloria."

"How was your week?" she asked as she shut the door and I sat down on the couch.

I nodded. "It was okay."

The reason I liked Leah Clearwater was her enthusiasm. She was young and just starting out so when I was with her, she actually seemed interested in my progress. After I'd had that argument with my dad before Christmas, I hit rock bottom. I didn't get out of bed for days.

Then I had a dream.

It was a rotten dream that was more like a memory. I was in Chicago, sitting in Edward's living room and laying on his couch. My feet were in his lap and we were watching some game show on TV. His strong warm hands rubbed circles on the pads of my feet and stroked my calf as he laughed about some ridiculous answer that one of the contestants had given.

He seemed so carefree. He seemed happy. The smile on his face was genuine as he looked at me with adoration. He wasn't telling me to go but instead, he pulled me off my back and onto his lap. Then he kissed me. It was just as I remembered—soft warm lips and controlled movements with his tongue that made me ache inside to be closer to him. I wanted to be there so bad that I woke up sobbing. And screaming. My dad panicked and shook my silly until I snapped out of it.

The next day, I made some calls and found Leah. Our first session was awkward but unexpectedly nice. She didn't ask about my problems or my fears. She just sat down and asked me about me. And, with some hesitation, I told her. It was almost like I was paying her to be my friend.

The second session was less casual and more down-to-business. I told her about James and the beginning of our relationship. How I didn't listen to my instincts when I felt there was something off about him; my spontaneous acceptance of his proposal and our journey to Oklahoma.

The third session was exhausting. We covered Oklahoma. Mainly, she just listened and asked me a few questions but it felt good to get it off my chest to someone who wasn't personally involved in my life.

Today was my fourth session.

"I'm stoked to see what you came up with the past couple of days," she said, grinning.

I sighed. "I don't even know if I did it right."

My homework had been to think of three things that I can do to make myself feel better. The rules were that these things had to be continuous, beneficial to mainly my self and good for me, mentally or physically.

"I'm sure you did," she encouraged. "Let's hear it."

I cleared my throat and shifted on my seat. "Well, first I'd like to take a self defense class. Someone told me that I have a lot of misplaced anger…" I paused to stare hard at that someone. "So, I thought that I could beat the shit out of an immobile object instead of screaming obscenities at my dad."

Leah smiled, ignoring the jab. "That's awesome. I think that would be an amazing place to start."

"Start?"

"Yeah, who knows? Maybe one day, you'll be a black belt."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, my next adventure will be writing. You have me writing in this journal and I think if I actually wrote something that could possibly be published, it might help someone someday." Leah opened her mouth to talk but I cut her off. "This is beneficial to _me_ because I'm going to write about my experience with James. It'll be therapeutic."

"You're teetering on the edge of breaking one of the rules but I'm going to let it slide. I think that will be very helpful for you, Bella." She ran a hand through her black, shiny hair and it fell to one side. Her Indian heritage ran deep in her blood, giving her the beautiful edgy look she needed to stand out in her field. I couldn't imagine it was easy being a young woman starting her own business in the small town of Forks.

"Last but not least, I want to get a job," I said.

Her eyebrows flew up. "That's a huge thing, Bella. Are you sure that you're ready for that?"

"Right now, living in my dad's house and sleeping until noon is…depressing. I feel worthless. If I had somewhere to be, some place that needed me, it would make me feel like there's a point to my life. Like there's a reason to even get out of bed."

"Don't you think that your dad values you even if you don't have a job?"

"I said some awful things to him. Things that changed our relationship and I don't know if we'll ever be the same again."

"I don't know what you said but if it makes you feel worthless, then the words had to have been significant. Do you want to jump ahead and talk about it?" I shook my head as shame filled me up. "Well, things might not be the same with your dad but you have a choice in that Bella. You can use it to make you stronger or you can let it destroy your relationship."

I chewed on her words for a minute. "Where are we today?"

Leah licked her lips and crossed her legs. "You just left Oklahoma."

After a deep cleansing breath, I told her about my trip to Chicago; the friends I had made; James finding me; the friends that I lost.

"Do you still talk to Rosalie?" she asked.

"I haven't talk to her since last month." The day I'd hung up on her. "She's tried to call me but…"

"It's hard to talk to them because you miss them?"

Tears made my vision go blurry. "I miss them so much. They saved me and…" I took a deep breath and blinked away the tears. "We all move on with our lives, right?"

She narrowed her eyes a little, studying me. "How do you feel about Edward? I mean, it sounds like he genuinely cared about you and you said that you tried calling him. Have you talked to him since you left?"

I swallowed. "No, he won't call me back and he won't answer his phone."

"And?"

My leg began to bounce. "I miss him. I miss how he made me feel. I miss how he looked at me. I miss how safe and loved I felt when I was around him. And I'm…" I wasn't sure if I could say it because the grief was overwhelming.

"You're what?"

"I'm pissed." Dr. Clearwater's lips twitched as if she were fighting a smile. "I'm pissed that he made a decision for the both of us based on what he thought was right. It's like he's allergic to good feelings and happiness."

"Do you still think that coming back to Forks was the wrong decision?"

I grinded my teeth as I thought about her question. "Yes." She frowned. "Everyday, it hurts to think about what they are doing in Chicago; what I'm missing. How are Emily and Emmett getting along, how Sammy's third birthday was, if Edward is…if Edward is even missing me."

The timer dinged.

"You've done great today, Bella. For your homework, I want you to write in any way you feel comfortable—whether that's in journal or book form. I'd rather you write in your journal but that's up to you, as long as you're writing." I stood up and she walked me to the door. "Second, I want you to start at least one of your other projects, besides the book."

"I'll see you Tuesday, Dr. Clearwater."

"You're doing amazing," she praised. "You really are. Believe that."

I waved a quick goodbye to Gloria and walked fast to my car. As soon as I shut the door, I was sobbing into my palms. I didn't know it was possible to feel so many intense emotions at once. I wanted to go home and yell at my dad. I wanted to drive my car off a cliff. I wanted to call Edward and listen to his voicemail again, something I hadn't done in almost a month. I wanted to climb into bed and waste away. But best of all, I wanted to feel my feet pounding on the wet, slushy pavement. I wanted to feel my lungs burn. I wanted to feel my thigh muscles and calves burn from their lack of use. I wanted to run.

**_~~February~~_**

I hadn't been prepared for the hustle and bustle of the Fork's Diner when I had started there three weeks prior. It was only a diner, for God's sake but it was always busy. There were the usual crowds and then there were the folks that thought eating there was more of a treat so they only came in on the occasional weekend. There was no specialty. Everything was mediocre but it was the only place people could really dine in so it was treated as the best food in the town by the residents.

"Mike is such an asshole," Jessica exclaimed as she wiped down the front counter. "He's working tomorrow night."

I tried to decipher her pout. "Does he normally work on Fridays?"

She made a noise. "Yeah, but he could have taken it off. It's our first fucking Valentine's Day as a married couple."

"Languange, Jess!" Our boss, Paul called out from behind us. "People can hear you."

She rolled her eyes after he turned his back to us. "He told me that there are plenty of Valentine's Days in our future and not to get my panties in a twist. Can you believe that?"

Actually, I could. I had gone to school with Mike Newton and he didn't have a romantic bone in his body.

"You should do something nice for him, for when he gets home from work. Make him dinner. Buy him chocolates." _Whatever the fuck you do for men on Valentine's Day._

Her face lit up. "Then, he'd feel really guilty for going to work! That's an awesome idea, Bella!" She grinned wickedly at me and then whispered, "I might even do that thing he likes with his balls."

Internally, I cringed but outwardly I shrugged, even though making her husband feel guilty hadn't been my intention. Whatever works, right?

Working with Jessica Newton wasn't easy at first, knowing that she was the one who'd spilled to James about my location. Essentially, it was her fault that he'd found me. After an hour long talk with Leah about misplaced blame, I mustered up the courage to talk to her. Of course, Jessica had no idea that she'd ratted me out. At one point, she asked me what happened to that hot guy that was pining over me. Unfortunately, I wasn't in the mood to talk so I blurted out the truth with a casual, "Oh, him? He's dead." Then I continued to fill the salt shakers with her staring me hard in the back of the head.

After I put in a good nine hours at the diner, I headed home. It was late and even though my dad had to work early in the morning, he always stayed up until I walked in the door. Things were awkward between us but at least I didn't feel like starting arguments for the sake of communication. Typically, our day consisted of three phrases: "Good morning", "Hungry?" and "Good night". It bothered me but it didn't. I wanted my dad back but I wasn't ready to face the problems that stood between us.

"Your mom called," he mumbled after he'd switched off the TV. He stood up and stretched, letting out a big yawn.

"Thanks," I mumbled back.

"Good night."

"Night."

After I counted my tips and put them in my money jar, I showered and got ready for bed. I switched off my light and turned on both of my night lights—one at the end of my bed and one up by my head. I'd just graduated from full out light to nightlights and it wasn't really working. Most nights, I'd close my eyes and sense the darkness, the danger surrounding me. Then I'd open my eyes and think about terrifying things that had happened in the dark. That would lead me to thoughts about Edward and the safety net he'd provided me by allowing me to share his bed.

Edward. I still hadn't called him since before Christmas. The anger had slowly morphed into understanding. It wasn't right how he'd dealt with the situation but I knew him. I knew that he was throwing in that last ditch effort in an attempt to protect me. Leah had put it into words for me.

"The night that James came back, how do you think that Edward felt?"

"Scared, I guess." It was formed more as a question than an answer.

"What about afterwards? When he saw you, your bruises and injuries?"

I thought back about what he'd told me when he saw me.

_"I wish I could have kept him from hurting you…"_

"He thought that he failed me," I mumbled. "He promised me that he'd keep me safe and…"

"He didn't," she finished. "How can he think that he can protect you when he let the one thing that terrifies you most, get you."

I shook my head. "But he didn't…it wasn't his fault. I told him that."

"From what you told me, Edward seems like a pretty stubborn guy. Have you ever heard the phrase, 'If you love something, let it go; if it comes back to you then—"

I cut her off, finishing it. "It's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. You think he wants me to come back?"

"I don't know, Bella but if you've ever had to let something go that you loved, it's not easy."

As I lay in bed that night, for once I didn't think about Edward or my dad or even Oklahoma. I thought about my mom. When I was a freshman in high school, she left with one thought in her mind—her own happiness. All I wanted was for her to love me, for that unconditional love that a mother gives to her child but she didn't give it. Instead, she went in search of something that she's never found.

It was one thing that she left but it was another for her to avoid me. Phone calls were rare and appearances even rarer. I'd seen her a total of two times since she left and neither was filled with love. With nothing but time on my hands until I fell asleep, I thought back to my childhood. Had I done something to make her leave? Why had she been so miserable? I never remember her being so unhappy that she'd leave. It left me feeling empty.

Until I had a revelation.

Those first few months of my relationship with James flashed through my mind. He'd been nice to me, even though he was odd. The attention he gave me filled me with a completeness that I assumed was the beginnings of love but it never ventured any further. When he'd go a couple of days without seeing me, he'd smile as if I'd been gone for days.

I sat up in bed and chewed on my lip. When the shadows of the nightlight became too much, I clicked on the lamp beside my bed. When I told James that I'd marry him was it because I'd missed those feelings with my own mother? Was I blind to the warning signs simply because I enjoyed feeling wanted by someone? My dad had always been there for me but his emotional side was stunted, especially after my mom left. He took care of me but there were countless times that I ached for physical contact but he wasn't emotionally capable.

James had been the first guy I'd let into my life.

With a new urgency and a sense of hope, I hopped out of bed and started to write.

**_~~March~~_**

"Do you talk to your dad?" Leah asked, sitting Indian style in her big office chair.

"Not really."

"You need to."

"It'll suck. Big time."

"That's your homework."

I cringed. "I don't think I'm ready."

"He's your dad, Bella. You owe this to each other."

"Shit."

"That's your homework," she repeated.

"The dog might eat it."

**_~~April~~_**

"What happened?" My dad jumped up from the couch and looked at my foot.

I limped over to his big recliner and plopped down. "I sprained my ankle in class."

"Karate class?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal. I just need to take it easy for a couple of days."

"Did you go to the doctor?"

"Our instructor is an EMT and he told me what to do."

He grunted and sat back down. "You really like those classes, don't you?"

I nodded. "I do. I feel stronger."

His fingers tweaked at his moustache. "How would you feel about learning how to shoot?"

"A gun?"

The corner of his mouth twitched as if he was on the verge of saying something sarcastic but he stopped himself. "Yeah, a gun. I could take you shooting, if you're interested. Teach you how to fire a weapon."  
>My gut reaction was to decline but I really wanted to get whatever it was that we lost, back. I missed him and this was a chance to salvage some form of relationship. There were things that needed to be said and I wasn't sure if we'd ever really talk about it but this was a start.<p>

"Sure, I'd love to."

"Oh, before I forget, some detectives in Oklahoma City called and they want to send up a book of missing persons for you to look through. See if you recognize any of them."

My throat closed as I nodded. "Took them long enough."

He shrugged. "Things move a little slow when an investigation involves several states."

"Just let me know when."

"Night, Bella."

"Night, dad."

He moved past me but stopped before he reached his room. "I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you."

Before I could respond, he was in his room behind the closed door. I let out a breath and let his last words sink in. It didn't hit me until then, just how much I'd missed my father.

I laid in bed that night thinking about that girl and what James had done to her. For the first time, I felt a huge swell of relief that James was dead. There had been no charges pressed against Jake, which I was grateful for and the truth had been revealed about James. His buddies down in Oklahoma that he served with had no idea, or at least they claimed they didn't. The only one who had to answer to the law was Arthur Livingston for making James that key to earn some extra cash.

A few days later, I was on my lunch break and sitting in my dad's office with a binder in my hands. It was accompanied by a detective from Oklahoma City who didn't seem too thrilled with being in Forks. The rain messed with his hair.

I leafed through page after page, the faces blurring together as I studied each one. Successfully, I was keeping my emotions in check but barely. I was looking for a girl that was dead. _Dead because of me._ If it weren't for me, she'd be at home, maybe with her parents or boyfriend. Maybe, one day she would have gotten married and had a baby. That child would never exist because of me. I took a deep breath and turned the page.

Nothing.

I looked up at the detective. "I'm not sure if I would remember her."

"Take your time, Ms. Swan."

I flipped and flipped, still not recognizing anything. There were blondes but they didn't have her nose or her mouth or her tiny frame. When I got to the last page, I'd given up hope…then there she was: Curly blond hair, a huge smile and big vibrant blue eyes. That was her.

I gasped softly and covered my mouth with my hand.

"Bella, do you see her?" My dad asked, rising up from his chair.

I pointed to her picture and looked at the detective.

"That's the girl that he killed?" My dad asked.

"Yeah," I squeaked. "That's her."

"Are you sure?" The detective asked.

I looked at her again, studying her face. "That's her. I'm positive. What's her name?"

He shook his head. "We can't give you that and besides, all that information is back in Oklahoma."

I choked on a sob as the detective took the binder from me and closed it.

"There are people looking for her?" The detective didn't answer. "T-there are people who love her and will miss her?"

My dad put a hesitant hand on my shoulder. The detective sighed and looked annoyed to have to calm down the crazy girl.

"Ms. Swan, if it's of any comfort, I assure you that her family will be able to put her to rest, now. They may not find a body but they'll at least know what happened."

It didn't sound very comforting. Her family was still probably clinging onto some thread of hope that she was still alive out there somewhere. People's lives would never be the same.

"Bella, you didn't do this," My dad told me after the Detective left. "This isn't your fault."

As rocky as our relationship had been, he'd always been able to read me.

"How can I ever forgive myself for that? She's dead. She's dead because I was being a stubborn idiot. If I had just done what he told me to do…"

I covered my face with my hands and sobbed. I'd thought about that girl a lot but I had always felt emotionally disconnected until I saw her happy, alive face staring back at me through that picture. She was a person; another victim. My head hurt from sobbing. My whole body ached. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest.

Then I felt strong arms envelope me into an embrace. My dad's whispered words in my ear and big hands rubbing my back.

**_~~May~~_**

The sound of my feet hitting the wet pavement was as soothing as a lullaby. I'd been running for over three months and it was like my own personal form of therapy. Bad memories mingled with the good; good thoughts outweighed the bad until things just seemed to make more sense. I couldn't explain it. Perhaps, it was my subconscious remembering the way Edward made me feel when he started running with me, empowered and stronger. Or maybe it was just something from my past, a piece of my old self that was peeking out like sunshine through the cracks of a dilapidated fence.

I was up to eight miles a day and I got up early to do it. Sleeping was still something that I didn't enjoy, particularly because of the dark. I'd gotten used to my nightlights but that didn't mean that I was comfortable with it. Sometimes, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and panic, and then it would take me hours to get back to sleep. So, instead of just laying there, I'd get up and run.

My dad was pouring himself a cup of coffee when I got back. He turned around and looked at me as I stretched my quads against the kitchen wall.

"You still want to go today?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," I said, still panting.

Things had been better between my dad and me ever since the day I cried in his arms after I'd seen the picture of the girl. It still haunted me but I'd finally come to terms with the fact that it was James who'd killed her. There was still guilt and I didn't ever see that subsiding but I didn't want her dead. It wasn't me who drugged her and kidnapped her. She was in that situation because of James and he was the one that killed her. But God, I was still so sad for her…

"Well, get dressed and we'll get to it." He took a sip of coffee and raised his eyebrows at me.

I showered and dressed in old jeans, a sweatshirt and a pair of my mud boots. With my hair pulled up into a ponytail, I followed him out the door. We piled into his cruiser and he started driving in silence.

"You sure you're going to be warm enough?" he asked as we got out of his truck.

I shrugged. "We'll see."

"I brought you something for your ears." He handed me a little bag with disposable ear plugs.

"Is that because of the gun or you?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Ha ha."

After some careful common sense instructions like don't point the gun at another person whether it's loaded or not and to always click on the safety when you're not planning on using it, he showed me how to hold it. Then he showed me how to stand, with my feet shoulder length apart, my left foot more forward than my right.

"You're a pretty good teacher," I pointed out. "You should look into teaching at the Police Academy."

He shot me a curious look, probably trying to judge whether my comment was sarcastic or not. "I don't have the education to do something like that."

"Well, then get it."

"You really have changed, you know that?" he said, grinning and shaking his head.

I stiffened and crossed my arms over my chest. "Don't you think that it would be pretty strange if I hadn't changed after what I went through?"

"That's not what I meant. I meant that you've changed since you got back to Forks." He shuffled his feet against the grass. "You had me pretty worried."

This was it. This was the talk that Leah had been badgering me about for months. It was going to be painful and I wasn't looking forward to it.

"I'm sorry, dad." I paused and watched a few common loons waddle toward a pond. "I don't want you to be worried about me."

"How can I not be, Bells?" It was the first time that he'd used my nickname in months and a flood of relief crashed through me. "You stopped eating, sleeping…living. You know I was desperate when I called Renee for help. I thought that maybe you just needed a woman to talk to."

I chuckled softly. "I did but it wasn't Renee, that's for sure."

"Dr. Clearwater?" I nodded. "I'll have to send her some flowers or something."

"I mean it, though. I'm sorry."

He looked at me for so long that his gaze grew uncomfortable. My skin started to prickle and I looked down at my boots. "No, I'm sorry, Bella. I should have listened to my gut when you left for Oklahoma with that…"

"What did your gut say?"

"It said that you were too young and too good to be going off on your own with some guy who didn't even speak to you for months. I wanted to let you make your own mistakes. The next day, I had to stop myself from boarding a plane and heading out there to make sure that you were okay. God dammit, I should have.

"Then you called a few days later and…you sounded good. A little off but good. How could I have not realized that you were scared out of your mind? I should have…I should have sensed it. I'm a cop for Christ's sake."

"You couldn't have known then and…" I took a deep breath and exhaled. "You couldn't have known when he showed up on your doorstep telling you that I got cold feet and ran. I'm sorry for holding that against you. It was wrong."

"I beat myself up everyday, Bella. Every God damn day. When I think about those months that he was here, pretending to look for you because he loved you. He told me stories about things that happened in Oklahoma, how excited you were to pick out your wedding dress. I should have known right there how full of shit he was."

My laugh was wet with tears. "It's done. Over. In the past. I'm ready to just move on and…and I've missed you, Dad."

He swallowed and his face grew taut before he took three steps and engulfed me in his arms. "I've missed you too…more than you know."

**_~~June~~_**

The sound of the first ring was incredibly loud in my ear. My reflection looked back at me with a concerned look on its face. It said, "What the fuck are you doing?" I wasn't sure. All I knew is that I was going on a date. I'd gotten dressed up, made up and I'd even curled my hair but here I was—with ten minutes to spare—making a long overdue phone call.

"Hello?" Her voice was sweet and musical.

"Rose?"

She gasped. "Bella? What the ffff…heck, girl? How are you? I've tried calling you like a million times but you never call me back!" Her voice became muffled as she yelled to someone. "It's Bella!"

I imagined everyone there: The kids, Emmett and most importantly, Edward. The date I was going on had been Leah's idea after I told her that I was still in love with Edward. She wanted me to experience time with a man who wasn't connected nor knew about the situation in Oklahoma. Apparently, my feelings for Edward could be explained by one of her theories involving trauma. I told her she was wrong and she dared me to prove it.

"Emmett is speechless. I should have you call more often."

I giggled and tried not to cry. "I'm sorry, Rose. The last time I talked to you—back in December—I was, well, I was pretty fucked up. I'm better now."

"You sound better," she remarked. "What are you up to?"

With an enthusiasm I didn't know existed, I told her in few details what I was doing: My job, my running and the martial arts class that I didn't feel I could survive without.

"That sounds freaking amazing. I'm so proud of you, Bella!"

"Thanks, Rose. What about you guys? What is the McCarty family up to?"

"Did I ever tell you that Emmett found another job?"

"No! That's awesome! Where?"

"A little bookstore down the street that has this amazing owner—you'd love her. She's a lifesaver."

I gasped. "Oh, that's awesome! How is Esme?"

"She's good and disappointed that she hasn't heard from you." My heart broke at the thought of Esme and guilt made my throat tight. "Emily and Emmett finally bonded thanks to a little gift that he bought for her."

"What was that?"

"Her first cell phone," she said with disdain. "But at least it gives me something to take away from her and she feels like she's really being punished."

She chatted about her family. Sammy had started preschool with help from the state and Carlisle. He put up a fight for them, a fight that never should have been fought. Witnessing Rose's happiness was bittersweet because I still wanted to be there with them, to be a part of it.

"How's Edward?" I held my breath.

There was a pregnant pause. "Honestly, Bella, he's not good. For months, he's been off, ever since you left but yesterday…" She paused to shush Emmett. "I'm not supposed to be telling anyone this but I'm going to because I'm worried about the idiot. Yesterday, Edward got a visit from someone he used to go to school with. This guy came out of nowhere to tell him that his dad is on his deathbed."

I sat down on the bed. "Oh, Jeez."

"Yeah, and get this—his dad is asking for him…says he wants to talk to him before he dies."

"What's he going to do?"

"Who knows what he's going to do. He doesn't ever talk to anyone but if I know Edward, he's going to go. How could he turn down a little self-punishment, right? The guy thrives on pain."

"Same old Edward," I mumbled.

She chuckled dryly. "You got that right."

Our conversation was interrupted by a knock on my door. "Bella, your date is here!" My dad's spat out the word "date" like he'd just found a rat dropping in his pudding.

"Okay! Thanks! Tell him I'll be right down!"

"Did he just say that your date is waiting for you? You're going on a date?"

"It's an experiment, really. Something my therapist wanted me to do."

She snorted. "Well, have fun on your experiment. Don't do anything I wouldn't' do."

The date was a success; on my part, anyway. Ben Cheney was a nice guy but his jaw wasn't sharp, his eyes weren't green, and he didn't practice any sweet talk on his car. He wasn't Edward. The feelings I had for Edward were deep, ingrained into my soul. I was past the anger, the tears and the regrets that I had when I thought about him. Now, I was just missing him. I missed the way he grinned, the way he knew just what to say to kick my ass in gear, the way he touched me and held my hand when he knew that I was afraid.

As I lay in bed that night, my thoughts raced around in my head. Edward was in pain. Edward needed someone that he could trust. Could he still trust me? What would he do if I just showed up on his doorstep? God, I missed him. I ached to see him, touch him, hug him. And Rose. And Esme. And Everyone.

I shot out of bed. Life was too short. There weren't many people in this world that would have been lucky enough to have been loved, protected, and saved like I was. It was time that I gave a little of that love back.

Chicago, here I come.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I'm going back to bed. Thank you for all the love and support especially from my prereader, Softragoo-if anyone can make me smile when I wanna cry, it's her. Thank you, BB. Also, thanks to my Facebook girls who give me so much inspiration to keep truckin'! **_

_**There will be more answers in the next chapter and we will meet a new addition to this little fucked up cast. Who do you think it will be? See ya next Tuesday!**_


	23. Chapter 22 Home

_**A/N: Thanks for all the support! I won't suck up all your precious time with a lengthy and ridiculous A/N. I mean, who really reads them anyway, right? I'm sure that you're **_**really**_** reading this when Edward is going to be back in the story. Bella is going back to Chicago and I'm sure that you're anxious to see what happens so why would you read my A/N? I mean, seriously! ;) So, I'm not going to ramble...what's that? I am rambling? I am not! This is important shit! I was talking about Edward here, c'mon! Don't be like that! Oh, don't cry...I wasn't yelling at you, I was just... I've seriously lost it, folks. Enjoy! **_

_**Congrats to ltleefan88 for the second place Daytona finish! Whoot!**_

_**My prereader, Softragoo, is absolutely brilliant. :)**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight**_

_**Song Rec: "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars (Good GOD, people, listen to this beautiful song! If you don't love it, I'll give you your money back)**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Twenty Two<strong>_

I packed in record time, throwing things in my bag with a frantic pace after getting an open round trip ticket out of Port Angeles off the internet. The flight was scheduled to leave at 7:18am so that only left me three hours to get packed and get on the plane, and it was hard to tell how long it would take to get through security. From there, I'd have a three hour layover in Wisconsin and then to O'Hare. If I was lucky, I'd be in Chicago by four o'clock, Central Time.

After I packed my bag, I got dressed and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. My dad was still asleep but I'd have to wake him. We'd just got a piece of our relationship back and I wasn't going to shatter it by disappearing while he was asleep. When I was sure that I was ready to go, I tapped on his bedroom door with my knuckles. He pulled it open and blinked at me.

"Bella? What's wrong?"

"I have to leave, Dad. I wanted to tell you instead of leaving a note." Internally I winced because his reaction wasn't going to be good no matter how he found out. "I'm going to Chicago."

He blinked some more and rubbed his face with his palms. "You shouldn't do this, Bella. You're just getting your life back."

"I'm coming back," I offered.

He walked past me and toward the kitchen. "What about your job? How long are you going to be gone?"

"I don't know…a few days, maybe."

"What is so important that it has you running out of here in the middle of the night?" He leaned his back against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. The hard stare wasn't as successful with a sheet wrinkle going across his cheek and his hair going in different directions. "Does it have to do with that Edward guy?"

I sighed, fully unmotivated to get angry or defensive. "That 'Edward guy' saved my life, dad. He's going through something right now and I need to be there."

"You're going through _something_ too, Bella, or have you forgotten that?"

I grabbed my duffel off the floor. "How can I forget that, Dad?"

He rubbed his face again and sighed. "This is a bad idea, Bella."

"Look, I'm not asking for your permission. I told you because I need you to know where I'm going. I'll call everyday; probably multiple times."

"That'll make me feel better but I still don't want you to go."

"I wasn't going to call for your benefit," I told him. "I'm coming back."

"What about your job?"

"I'll call Paul after the sun comes up and tell him what's going on. If he fires me, he fires me. Edward is important to me and he needs help."

I walked past him, wishing for a different sort of goodbye but not expecting it. When I got to my car, he called out for me to wait. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Wait, Bella," he said, running up behind me.

I didn't turn around. Instead, I dumped my duffel in the car. "If I don't leave now, I'm going to miss my flight."

"Put your stuff in the cruiser. I'll get you there on time."

I snapped my neck to look at him. He'd stuffed his feet into mud boots and his police jacket was pulled on over his t-shirt. The red flannel pajama pants that he always wore puffed out over his boots. I grinned.

"Well? Are you going to stand there and gawk or are you going to get in?" We piled into his car and he turned the engine over in silence. "Just because I'm doing this, doesn't mean that I've changed my mind. It's still a shitty idea."

"Dad, just trust me? This once, just please, have a little faith in me?"

He cut his eyes to me. "I always have faith in you, Bella. Can't you just humor an old man and nod your head?"

When we got onto the 101, he turned his siren on and I gasped softly in his direction. He shrugged.

"Can't you get into trouble for this?"

"Good thing you're in good with the Chief, huh?"

My dad turned an hour drive into a forty five minute one and I got to the airport in plenty of time.

"I promise that I'll be back," I told him, grabbing my bag off the floor in front of me.

"When?"

I smiled. "Soon."

"Do you want me to walk you to the terminal?"

I glanced at his flannel pants and mud boots. "Please don't."

That's when the awkward do-we-hug-or-don't-we-hug moment occurred. He picked some invisible lint off his pants and I rolled my eyes. Before I got out, I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Thanks, dad," I whispered as he rubbed my back with a hesitant hand.

He reached into his pocket as I pulled away from him. "Here, take this—it's not much but it's something."

"You don't have to…" He pushed the wad of cash into my hand.

"Remember what I said about humoring the old man, right?"

I nodded.

**XxXxXx**

When I was sitting in an airport in the middle of Green Bay, Wisconsin, I called my boss at the diner.

"Paul, it's Bella."

"Oh, Bella, don't tell me you're sick! Lucy is out with the flu and I think Jess is playing hookey again! I can't afford to lose you today."

I bit my lip. "I'm actually going out of town on an emergency, Paul. I won't be able to work for a few days. I'm sorry."

He sighed. "What kind of emergency?"

"A family emergency."

"I just saw your dad, driving through town in his cruiser. If it was a family emergency, then he'd be there with you, right?"

"Look, Paul, if you need to fire me, then fire me. This is not something that I can turn my back on. I'd understand and I wouldn't hold a grudge if you needed to let me go. I'm really sorry."

He paused. "I'll give you a week but if you're not back here by next Thursday, then I'm going to have to let you go, Bella."

I smiled. "Thank you, Paul. Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah—tell me again what Wilson Burkett's 'regular' is again? He won't tell me because apparently it offends him that I have to ask."

"Three blueberry pancakes, hash browns, two eggs—scrambled and unbuttered wheat toast. He likes a large orange juice with none of that pesky pulp."

"How in the hell do I get pulp out of orange juice?"

"See why we need raises, Paul?"

The rest of my flight was smooth and I arrived in the city a little after four. I was lucky to get a small rental car with no reservation, and I got directions for the area where I used to live.

My nerves jumped through my skin the closer I got to my old apartment. I passed Esme's bookstore and silently promised her that I'd visit before I went back to Forks. I winced as I passed the corner where I'd broken down on my run after I'd slapped Edward. As I turned toward my old building, I felt like vomiting. Probably, I hadn't thought this through enough.

What if he told me to leave? What if he'd already left to go see his dad? Then I shook myself and realized that even if Edward told me he didn't need me, I'd still get to see all the other people that I missed. Like Jake, who was sitting on the front steps of the building, puffing on one of his trusty cigars. My heart leapt when I saw him and I quickly parked along the street in front of the building.

"Well, I'll be damned," he yelled, getting up off the step and tossing his cigar. "Look who's here!"

"Hey Jake!" I didn't think twice about wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for a hug. His arms wrapped around me and I grunted as he lifted me off the ground. "I can't breathe."

"That'll show you for disappearing on me," he said in my ear. "How are you?"

He dropped me and I smiled at him. "I'm getting there. You?"

"Oh, ya know, same 'ol, same 'ol. I played some Shania the other night and thought of you."

"That's kind of sad, Jake."

His teeth gleamed with a grin and he shrugged. "I can't say that I feel exactly manly when I'm humming _I feel like a woman_ on my way to work."

"It's catchy, though, you have to admit."

He rolled his eyes. "You here for a visit or are you coming back to live?"

"Just a visit."

"Cool," he said as he nodded his head.

I licked my lips and prepared myself to ask him the question that I'd been wondering for months. My stomach clenched with nerves and my palms started to sweat.

"Uh oh," he mumbled. "Your smile just went kaput, honey. What's up?"

"I have to ask you something."

His eyes twitched. "What's that?"

I swallowed. "That night…the night you hit James with your car…"

"Yeah?"

"You…um…" I took a deep breath and released it with my words. "You killed him, didn't you?"

He watched me for a moment, his eyes traveling all over my face, and then his face brightened with a smile. "Of course I did. Nobody tangles with my Chevy and lives to tell about it."

"I saw you, Jake. He…he was still alive after you hit him and you crouched down next to him. At first, I thought you were talking to him but—"

"Did you know that I used to live out in the sticks?" I furrowed my brows and shook my head. "I used to live out in Ohio where my dad lives now, at his farm. We had it all: Goats, sheep, cows…I used to love it out there." His eyes were looking past me as if he were imagining farm animals galloping around on the city street behind me. "One day, I was driving into the city with my dad and we spotted a deer on the side of the road. It had been hit but it was still alive."

"Oh, God," I whispered.

He finally met my gaze. "We stopped the truck and I followed my dad to where the deer was laying. I was probably twelve or thirteen. The poor thing was bad off, broken legs and blood coming from its mouth but it was still kicking around and fighting for life. I asked my dad if we were going to shoot it but he told me that the highway was too busy to be pulling out a shot gun and firing it. So, my dad—who's a tough 'ol son of a bitch—got down on his knees and put his big hand over the little doe's nose and mouth."

My chest ached—for the deer, for twelve year old Jake, for his father who had to take a life to end the suffering.

"He suffocated it," I whispered.

Jake took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "Sometimes, killing a living thing to end the suffering isn't such a bad thing."

"I'm sorry," I told him. "I'm so sorry that happened."

He knew I wasn't talking about the deer. With a quickness that I didn't realize he possessed, he pulled me into another tight hug.

"I don't want you to regret it, Jake," I mumbled against his chest. "I don't want it to haunt you."

"The only regret that I have about that night is that I didn't prevent you or Edward from being hurt. Nothing haunts me but that." He pushed away and smirked. "You got that?"

Stupid, ridiculous, seemingly endless tears filled my eyes as I nodded. "Thank you."

His lips pressed against my forehead for a moment and then he walked past me. "Don't be a stranger, honey."

"Never," I whispered to myself as I watched him walk away.

Edward's door seemed bigger than I had remembered it; the door knob older and darker than my memory allowed. It took three false starts and several deep breaths before I tapped my knuckles against the wood three times. The noise was soft and if he was in his bedroom or the bathroom, there was no way he would have heard it. The floor creaked as weight shifted on the floorboards inside his apartment. He'd heard it and he was on his way.

I needed this. I needed this closure so that I could move on and someday be able to look at another man without wondering "what if" or comparing him to Edward. This would give me what I needed to finally move on with my life, even though deep down that wasn't what I wanted to do. That was something critical that I'd learned in the early stages of my therapy: What I wanted and needed were most times, two separate things.

The door knob creaked as it turned and I prepared myself as the door popped open. I let out a breath I'd been holding.

"Well, hello there." It wasn't Edward. He was about Edward's age but his hair was blonde and curly and fell to his shoulders. The beard surrounding his mouth was epic. I could barely make out the smile that was hidden in the blonde jungle of facial hair. "And who might you be?"

"Uh…does Edward Masen still live here?"

His smile fell and he made a funny noise. "Figures." He closed both eyes in some sort of twitch and then called for Edward over his shoulder.

I heard Edward's voice and my stomach rolled over on top itself.

"There's a hot chick at your door!"

Edward said something back but I couldn't decipher his words.

The blonde mountain man turned back to me. "He said that he's not home."

I rolled my eyes. "Could you tell him that it's Bella?"

He smiled and I caught a glimpse of teeth, then there was another double eye twitch. "You look like a Bella."

"Uh…okay. Can you just tell—"

"What I mean to say is that you're a pretty hot chick." The hippie dude was flirting with me and if I'd been back at the diner in Forks, I may have thought it was amusing but not now. Not with Edward on the other side of him. I wanted to yank on his beard and push him out of my way.

I pressed my molars together until I was sure one would crack. "Please, could you tell him that it's me."

Still smiling, he ran a hand through his blonde beard. "Edward! The chick says her name is Bella!"

_Nothing. Silence. Oh, shit…_

Just when I was sure that this was a mistake, a hand wrapped around the door just by the bearded guy's ear and it was yanked open. The first thing I noticed was his eyes, wide with surprise but atypically dull. My breath caught in my throat. The beat of my heart pulsed through my entire body until I could feel it pounding in my temples. Every muscle in my body was set to spring at any moment; fight or flight response never gets old. His auburn hair was long again, possibly longer than it was when I'd met him. And dear God, his body…his body was the same, long and lean and I instantly wanted to wrap myself around him and get lost. I'd missed him, more than I realized, if that was at all possible.

He looked like he'd seen a ghost but there was relief in his expression, the same look he'd get when he'd see me come home safely from Rose's apartment. The same look he'd give me when he held me in bed at night. As he stared at me, I got the impression that he'd been waiting for me.

Waiting for me to come home.

What had I said about moving on with my life? The instant I saw him, I knew it wouldn't be easy. Moments ago, I was confident that I could do it, tell him that I'd be fine with never seeing him again but…

"Bella…" His voice was rough, strained, and so beautiful it made my throat close with emotion.

"Hi Edward," I managed to squeak out.

"Good God, the tension is choking me!" Hippie Dude announced, a huge smile on his face.

"Jasper, take a walk," Edward said, not taking his eyes off of me.

The name was familiar but I couldn't place it. Hippie Dude made a disappointed noise with his throat.

"Where am I supposed to go?"

"I don't give a shit. Come back later."

"How much later?" he whined.

Edward finally cut his eyes to Jasper and gave him a frustrated look then he tossed him a cell phone. "I'll call you."

"Can I at least use your car?"

"No."

"Fuck, man!" Jasper's shoulders slumped as he walked out the door, grumbling.

Suddenly, Edward's living room had shrunken in size. My stomach swirled with anticipation and fear. I wanted to run to him, hug him and pick up right where we left off. But on the other end, something was different. There was something unique mixed in with that desire; something deep that made me dizzy and anxious.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

It hadn't been the first thing I was hoping he'd say but the question was valid.

"Uh…I talked to Rosalie yesterday and…" God, how could I say this without sounding like a head case? "She said that—"

"She told you about my father," he stated.

I nodded and my teeth found my lip, gnawing on it.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He winced. "Come and sit down. Are you thirsty? Hungry?"

Edward's avoidance to the topic of his past was something I was used to so I didn't take offense. Instead, I asked him for water and sat down stiffly on his couch. He handed me a bottle and sat down next to me, as far away as he could get—that, I kinda took offense to.

"I wanted to make sure that you're okay," I said.

"I'm fine," he replied. "I'm sure Rose was excited to see you."

"I haven't seen her yet."

His face contorted a little. "Please, don't tell me that you came all the way to Chicago to see if I'm okay."

I was a little hurt but I had to keep in mind that this was Edward. The Edward that never felt like he deserved any kind of happiness or that he was worth any trouble.

"Yeah, that's mostly what I came for," I stated.

A sigh resounded out as he palmed his face and rubbed furiously.

"You shouldn't have done that."

I narrowed my eyes and sat back against the couch. "Yeah, well, I did."

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"Fine," I said, copying his own answer.

His eyes narrowed in puzzlement and the corner of his mouth twitched.

"What do you want me to say, Bella? That it's good to see you? That I don't want to kill Rose for dragging you all the way here for nothing? Do you want me to break down crying because a father that I don't even know is dying and asking to see me?"

I shrugged. "Any of those would be good but I prefer the first one if I had to choose."

That got him. He smiled at me. "It's not that I don't want to see you but I hate to see you here because of something ridiculous like this."

I scoffed. "You haven't changed at all."

His expression sobered as he spat, "Was I supposed to?"

Anger was fogging my vision, making me forget who this was sitting next to me. Edward had only opened up about his past a couple of times and I never pushed it. He'd been so content to just take care of me while I was here that his problems never reached the forefront of our relationship. That's what he'd liked about me, how emotionally easy I was to deal with on his end. Be the big bad protector and listen to my problems and that's all there was to it. My problems seemed worse than his and that was easy for him. It didn't matter that he'd never become emotionally available to me or that I'd never _really_ know him. What mattered to him is that I never pushed him anywhere he didn't want to go.

But this man, this beautiful man, was still Edward. He was kind and strong and challenged me in ways that I never thought possible. Leah had helped me but Edward was the beginning of my healing process. His presence in my life was monumental. It was also evident that I couldn't just have a screaming match with him and everything would be solved. I wanted, no needed, to help him but I had to utilize the very thing that he'd mastered with me so many months ago: Patience and understanding.

"Are you going to go see him? Your dad, I mean?" I asked.

He licked his lips. "Yes." My face flinched with shock and he chuckled. "Why does that surprise you?"

"I don't know," I lied. It surprised me because the guilt and blame that he carried on his shoulders was comfortable. I couldn't see him wanting to change and the possibility of speaking with his father was an opportunity to let some of that go. Unless, he was hoping that his father wanted to tell him off for taking his baby girl out of their lives one last time before he died.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow. Jasper is coming with me."

"Jasper…" Then it hit me. "Jasper was Alice's boyfriend." He nodded, looking at his feet. "I didn't know that you two were still friends."

"We aren't, not really. Jasper came to visit me in prison a few times but we lost contact at some point. He still lives in Peoria, though."

It felt like a punch in the gut to realize that I didn't even know where Edward was from. Basic facts about his life were a mystery to me and I wasn't sure if that was more his fault or mine. Maybe, our feelings for each other back in the fall were so much more intense on my side than his. Maybe, I had been a reason for him to make use of his martyr status.

"I appreciate you coming and it is good to see you, Bella. It's just…I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon so—"

"Are you taking Jasper's car?" I asked.

He shot me a puzzled glance. "No, Jasper took the bus. He doesn't have a car." He rubbed his knuckles along his jaw. "Actually, Jasper doesn't have much of anything these days."

"Are you taking the bus?"

"No, I'm driving."

"Let me drive you down there," I offered. "I have a rental."

He shook his head but his eyes were bearing down on mine; the intensity of his gaze causing goose bumps to travel up my spine and over my scalp. My hand twitched to grasp his, and my mouth yearned to tell him so much more—good and bad.

"You should hang out with Rose and the kids. They'll be thrilled to—"

"I want to go with you, Edward," I blurted. "You know I love Rose and the kids but I came to Chicago for you."

He needed to hear it, no matter how much he wanted to argue whether he was worth it or not, whether he'd earned the honor of my ride to his hometown.

"Jasper is going too," he warned.

I shrugged. "The more the merrier."

A smirk played at the corner of his beautiful mouth. "An hour on the road and I'll remind you that you said that." I furrowed my brows in question. "Let's just say that the man loves to sing."

Edward called Jasper and then walked me next door so that I could have my reunion with Rose. I wanted his touch: An arm around my waist or even the brushing of the skin of our hands as we walked. But he gave me nothing. He was keeping his distance. Maybe I'd mistaken the look I'd gotten from him when I'd shown up as mere surprise instead of relief. There was no hidden lust in his actions. In fact, when he wasn't looking, I gave myself a good sniff to make sure that I'd put on deodorant. Deodorant was in place but that didn't make me feel better.

The door opened and a gasp rang out loudly. "No shit!"

"Hey, Rose," I said, grinning.

She pulled me into her apartment, almost hitting Edward with the door and hugged me fiercely. First Jake, then Rose…all these hugs, oh God, how would I ever go back to Forks? I loved these people and I could feel the emotions rushing through Rose as I smiled in her arms.

"You look fucking awesome!" Her eyes went from my head to my toes and then back up again. "I barely recognize you!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're so dramatic."

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?" she spat. "Jesus, I feel like I belong in a Walmart next to you."

"Rose, you do shop at Walmart," Edward pointed out.

"That's not the point," she sneered. "Come in! Emily will be home from dance class in like thirty minutes and she'll be so excited to see you."

"I'm going to go let Jasper in so…" Edward trailed off, looking awkward for the first time since I'd met him. He's always been so comfortable and in control.

"You're coming back over for dinner, right?"

He looked like it was the first time he'd heard about a dinner invitation. "I guess so."

"You can bring that weird friend of yours too. Sammy will like that."

After an eye roll, he looked at me and opened his mouth as if he were about to say something but stopped himself. Then he turned on his heel and walked out.

"How's he holding up?" she asked as we plopped down on her couch.

"I have no idea. He said that he's going to see his dad but he never really has let me in with what's going on in that brain of his."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "I was talking about his reaction to seeing you."

I blinked at her for a few moments before answering, "He was a little shocked but he seems fine. I'm going to drive him down tomorrow."

"What?" she gasped. "You are?"

"Why?"

"Dear God, Bella, I told you that he's been a wreck since you went back to Forks and now you're going on a trip together?" She rubbed her face with her palms. "You might as well stick hot pokers in me."

I laughed. "What are you talking about? I thought you were just trying to appease me by telling me that. He seems…okay."

"That's because you don't have to put up with the constant mood swings like I do."

I pouted.

"It's not your fault," she said, placing her hand on my leg. "He's the one that told you to leave. Then he broods around, snapping at everyone and now, it's going to get so much worse."

"He was shot, Rose. It's bound to put someone into a funk."

She shook her head. "No, this has been going on since you left. It didn't get better. Anytime I'd even mention your name, he'd turn into the fucking Hulk. Emmett had to throw him out of our apartment one night because he tried to start something with him."

"Like a fight?" I asked, worried.

"Yeah, like a two-seconds-away-from-punching-the-next-thing-that-moves incident." She shook her head. "Emmett wanted me to ask him to stay away from us and I fought him on it but I barely won. I just feel…bad for the guy, ya know?"

Holy shit, so did I. I knew one thing for certain, I was going to use this time with him to get into his head whether he liked it or not.

"Momma!" Sammy's voice was musical as it echoed off the walls of the hallway.

"Sounds like I'm being summoned," she said as she stood up. "Where are you staying tonight?"

"Oh, I was just going to get a room at a hotel or something."

"Hell no, you won't! You're staying here if you're okay with the couch," she said, smiling.

"As tired as I am, I could sleep anywhere. I appreciate it, Rose."

"Momma!" His tone was getting frustrated because his call wasn't being answered in the appropriate toddler response time which was immediately.

"Coming, Sammy!"

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers and yawned just as Rose halted her footsteps. "Oh, and Bella? It's really nice of you to visit but we all know who you came for. Just do us all a favor."

"What's that?"

"Remember who you're dealing with," she said. "He's a tough nut to crack."

I laid my head against the back of the couch and sighed, "Tell me about it."

XxXxXx

Apparently, Rose and Emmett's couch was too comfortable. As soon as Rose left to retrieve Sam, I dozed off and didn't wake up until the wonderful smell of food wafted into my nostrils. I imagined myself cartoonishly floating toward the kitchen with my toes dragging along the floor, heading toward the dinner table, drool trailing down my chin. I hadn't eaten in almost twenty four hours, except the granola bar I'd had on the flight to Chicago.

I blinked my eyes open and sucked in a breath. All I could see was beard.

"Hey, there Sleeping Beauty." Jasper was sitting on the coffee table with his elbows on his knees, staring at me.

As quickly as I could, I rose up and ran a hand through my hair. "How long was I out?"

He shrugged, still smiling. "I wasn't here when you fell asleep so I wouldn't know." With narrowed eyes, he leaned in and studied my face. "You got a little something on your chin."

Frantically, I wiped my chin with my fingertips. I had been drooling. I would have been embarrassed if his hair wasn't so much worse than a little unconscious drool. Plus, he didn't seem to mind it.

I decided to ask the most obvious question on my mind. "Why were you watching me sleep?"

"Well, people's true emotions come out when they are asleep. The subconscious has a way of expelling itself through sleep in the form of facial expressions, sleep talking or twitching. It's pretty fascinating."

With a scrunched up face, I said, "That's weird."

He gave another little shrug. "To each, his own, I guess."

"You're lucky," I stated.

"Why's that?"

"Because, my natural instinct in a situation like that is to poke your eye out first and ask questions later."

He ran a hand through his wavy blond hair. "Well, I guess it's my lucky day, isn't it?"

Edward walked in from the kitchen and gave Jasper a furious glare before stomping over and smacking him on the back of the head. "I told you to stop that! Christ! Do you live in some sort of cave?"

"Geeze, man, that hurt!"

Edward flashed me an apologetic look. "Staring at people while they are asleep is not an art form! It's fucking creepy!"

"Edward, watch your language!" Rose yelled from the kitchen.

He rolled his eyes. The Edward I knew wouldn't have let 'the f-word' slip out of his mouth in a situation like this. I studied him as he yanked Jasper up and pushed him into Emmett's recliner. Rose was right—he was angry. His entire body was like a shield of fury; his muscles tense and his gait stiff.

"Bella didn't mind, did you?" Jasper was either too ignorant or too laid back to care about Edward's temper.

"Don't answer that," Edward spat.

Emily wandered out of her room and when she saw me, her face lit up. She ran at me and wrapped her arms around my neck in a tight embrace. _Oh, these hugs…_

"Your hair looks great, Emily!" It was a few inches shorter and styled differently. "Is that makeup?"

She shushed me. "Mom lets me wear lip gloss but Dad thinks I'm too young. We just tell him its chap-stick and he doesn't know the difference."

I grinned widely at the usage of the word "dad" in her sentence.

"I heard you got a new cell phone."

She gasped. "Oh, come see it! It's awesome!"

With a yank of her hand, I was off the couch and being pulled toward her room. For the next half hour, I got a lesson on Apps and Facebook and I listened eagerly. Rose called us for dinner and Sammy buried his face in Emmett's thigh when he saw me, not remembering who I was. It was a new trait for Sammy—shyness.

"Hey, Bella," Emmett said, offering me his own hug. "How's it going?"

"It's good. How's Esme?"

He put his hand on his heart. "A life saver. I couldn't ask for a better boss, honestly."

"Tell me about it."

"I do have one complaint though," he added. "She always compares me to this chick who used to work there and it's really freaking annoying—makes me feel inadequate."

I laughed. "She never did that with me."

He tugged on my ponytail playfully. "I wonder why, you brat."

I glanced toward the living room and caught Edward watching our exchange from the doorway. A moment of something flashed on his face before he broke eye contact and took his seat at the table.

Tension filled the air during dinner until I found out why Sammy likes Jasper so much. With careful precision, Sammy threw green beans, pieces of chicken and rice into the facial hair of the blonde stranger. I bit my cheek to keep from laughing because I wasn't going to be the one to rat Sammy out. It wasn't long before he did that to himself. After the first couple pieces of food hit their target—and stuck there—Sammy giggled and pointed at Jasper. The entire table stopped eating to stare at Jasper.

"What?" he asked with a mouthful. "Was I humming again?"

Rose opened her mouth and closed it, momentarily confused by the question. "No, but, um, you have something in your…" She pointed to his chin.

He looked down and grinned. "Shoot! I need a bib like the little guy over there!"

I bit my lip. Edward kept shoveling food into his mouth.

With everyone's eyes on Jasper, Sam tossed a green bean with surprising accuracy and it landed in its target. Jasper jumped. Rose gasped. Emmett did a mini-fist pump.

"He's going to be a ffff…awesome baseball player! That was fantastic, Sam!" Emmett cheered.

"Emmett!" she scolded, slapping him on the arm. "We can't let him think that throwing his food is okay!" She turned to Sammy, fighting a grin. "Sam, you do not throw your food!"

Then Jasper spoke up. "Oh, it's okay, Rose! It's almost time to wash it anyway."

There wasn't a single adult at the table that didn't cringe at that information. Even Edward, concentration deep in his food, winced and gave Jasper an exasperated look.

"You seem really happy," I commented to Rose as we were cleaning off the table. The guys had retired to the living room to watch TV—probably something where a ball was being thrown or hit or dunked.

Rose beamed at me. "I am. Things are…they're perfect right now. It's actually kind of terrifying because I'm waiting for something to happen to screw it up."

"You've paid your dues, Rose. Look at everything that you've been through the past ten years." I pointed out. "Don't sit around and wait for something to take your happiness away. It is possible to be happy for a long period of time."

Her brows lifted to her hairline. "Okay, who are you and what have you done with Bella?"

I rolled my eyes. "Bite me, Rose."

She giggled but sobered as she hesitated. "When I talked to you back in December…God, I was so worried about you. Then you wouldn't call me back and I thought…I wondered if…"

"If what?" I asked.

She turned to me, twisting her wash rag in her hands. "I wondered if something happened to you, if your dad would notify us. I was scared that you would, uh…hurt yourself."

At first, I wanted to tell her that hurting myself was a ridiculous thing to imagine but then I thought back on the bottle of Jack Daniels that I'd clutched in my hand that night. I thought about how tired I was of hurting and the way I saw myself in the mirror when I'd stopped eating. I would have liked to believe that hurting myself was out of the question, but it wasn't.

"I'm sorry, Rose," I whispered.

She shook her head and brushed a tear from her eye. "You really do look amazing. Tell me what you've been up to."

After filling my lungs with a deep breath, I told her everything from start to finish: My breakdown, the fight with my dad, the thousands of tears, Leah, the diner, the experimental date with Ben. It felt so good to finally talk to someone; someone who I knew wouldn't judge me or try to overwhelm me with advice.

"That's great," she said, smiling at me. "I'm really proud of you. Do you think that it's good that you went back to Forks, then?"

I shrugged. "I missed this…"—I motioned between Rose and me, indicating our relationship. "But I don't think I ever would have had a relationship with my dad if I hadn't. Who knows, really, what would have or wouldn't have happened if I had stayed here."

A throat cleared behind us. Edward was leaning against the doorway, looking more than exhausted.

"Are you staying here tonight or…" he trailed off.

"Yeah, Rose and Emmett offered me their couch."

He nodded. "I have to go into work tomorrow before we leave but I'm getting out early. We'll take off around four, if that's okay."

"That's fine."

"You don't have to do this, you know. I'm not going to get upset if you—"

"I'm going," I stated, cutting him off.

Again, he nodded and mumbled a thanks to Rose for dinner and left.

"Remember my favor, Bella. You don't owe any of us anything and that includes Edward," Rose said with a hand on my shoulder.

I couldn't help but to disagree with her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So, what did you think about Jasper? You'll learn MUCH more about him. He's sort of my comic relief but he has a story too and I hope you learn to love him and his dirty beard. What did you think about what Jake did? Do you really think he tried to call the police or was he planning on offing James the whole time? I hope you enjoyed the lighter chapter. There's still angst to come but the worst is over...or should I tell you that? Oh, fuck it...too late. ;)**_

_**I've never rec'd another story so here it goes - if you're looking for a silly, angst-free and short little story, go read "GAME SHOW" by my sweet friend, BilliCullen. It's on fanfiction and she only has two chapters left to go. I LOVE it and I hope you check it out and leave her some LOOOOOVE!**_

_**CMNtD is being translated into Spanish by MandyLittleton - just FYI.**_

_**Thanks for reading and I'll see you on Thursday! ** _


	24. Chapter 23  Road trip

_**A/N: Serious review reply fail! Sorry! Just know that I appreciate each one. Read my A/N at the bottom - it's a little important. **_

_**Thanks to my prereader, Softragoo - WTF would I do without you?**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Twenty three<strong>_

"Do you want me to tell Esme that you're in town?" Emmett asked before leaving for work.

"Yeah, tell her that I promise to see her before I go back."

"Don't let that asshole next door's mood get to you," he advised. "Have a good trip."

I didn't hesitate before defending Edward. "He's not an asshole, Emmett. There's just a lot going on with him right now."

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "You have no idea."

Before I could add anything, he was kissing Rose and walking out the door.

The next few hours, I spent coloring with Sammy, playing a video game with Emily and chatting with Rose. It felt good to be doing something that didn't involve therapy or working for a change. While I was glad to be getting along better with Charlie, there was still a heaviness bearing down on me when I was living in Forks. I'd been able to move around in my own home without thinking of James but it still haunted me that he'd been there, living in that house. As much as I tried to move past it, I never felt at home there. I'd only been back in Chicago for twenty four hours and already, I felt fifty pounds lighter.

A loud crashing noise came from Edward's apartment. I met Rose's wide eyes and made a what-the-hell-was-that face. She shrugged in response.

Emily was the first one to speak up. "Do you think he's okay?"

The craziest thing about Jasper was that I was actually starting to like him. Sure, he was eccentric and messy and slightly creepy but he didn't seem to have a mean bone in his body. He was gentle with Sammy, he teased Emily and even Emmett seemed to find his sappy jokes humorous. However, as much as I liked the guy, there was no way I was going over and checking on him when he was by himself.

"I'm sure he's fine," I lied.

"He was probably dancing and stumbled on something," Rose said then added, "You know how he likes to dance."

Emily nodded and went back to her video game.

I shot Rose a shocked face. "He does?"

"Oh yes, he does," she said dryly.

"How long has he been in town?"

"A few days but it's felt like weeks." She sighed and tightened her pony tail. "Don't get me wrong, I like the guy but he's definitely a strange one."

"What does he do for a living?"

She snorted. "Nothing."

When three 'o clock rolled around, I was psyched and ready to hit the road. Rose tried to talk me out of it one more time but I wasn't budging. This was something I felt I had to do. Everyone could see it—Edward was spinning out of control but no one was doing anything to help him except offer him their patience. Rose and Emmett were trying to raise two kids; it was understandable that they didn't have the time to devote to Edward's well-being. Understandable but not excusable. Edward had done everything in his power to keep Rose and the kids safe while Emmett was in prison, all because he felt he owed Emmett this great debt. Now, that Emmett was out and Edward was left to simmer in his own issues, they didn't want to deal with it. They loved Edward, I got that but they didn't love him enough to take certain risks; such as take the long road in order to talk some sense into him.

Edward was stubborn and practically a masochist. He wouldn't be easy to reach but I had a week to try. I wasn't sure if there was any chance at salvaging what we once had but it was worth the risk to make him believe in himself. I couldn't, and wouldn't let Edward self-destruct because he would do the same for me.

Three knocks on the door broke me away from my thoughts. Edward was waiting on the other side, looking somber in a pair of dark sunglasses and a White Sox ball cap.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yep."

"Jasper is already out there, probably waiting to fight me for the front seat." He rolled his eyes and then grabbed the duffel out of my hands to carry it. "Do you mind if I doze off on the way down? The route we're going to take is pretty simple."

I shook my head, although a little disappointed. "No, that's fine."

"Shotgun!" Jasper yelled out as soon as we got in earshot. He yanked on the door handle even though it was still locked. "I called it first! Shotgun!"

"You can have the front seat, Jasper," Edward mumbled.

Jasper looked a little saddened at the lack of fight for riding shotgun. Edward threw our bags into the trunk and then got in the back, seating himself sideways so that his head rested against the glass and his long legs stretched out in front of him.

"I get to pick the music!" Jasper was bouncing in his seat with excitement, looking like a child who'd gone through premature puberty. There were flakes of something in his beard and I pointed it out to him. He explained the hazards of eating toast when you have such "voluptuous growth" on your chin.

"Do you know how to get on Interstate 55, Bella?" Edward grumbled from the back seat.

"I don't know how to get anywhere in Chicago," I explained.

He told me where to go as Jasper flipped through his disorganized collection of CD's that he kept in a small box. None of the discs had cases and I doubted they would play without skipping. Once, we got on the 55, Edward told me to wake him up when we got to Bloomington.

"How far are we from Bloomington?" I asked Jasper after Edward had been silent for a few minutes.

"A couple of hours," he replied, holding out a shiny silver disc on his index finger. "I make all my own CD's."

I wasn't sure if that meant that he actually performed his own music and recorded it or if he just burned them. It didn't take long to figure it out when he popped it in and Whitney Houston's voice broke the silence.

Edward was right—Jasper loved to sing. His voice wasn't as bad as the songs that he liked to belt out. I never had anything against Enrique Iglesias until I listened to Jasper sing the song _Hero_. It wasn't meant to be comical, which was the bad thing. An hour into the journey and I made the mistake of giggling at the way his pitch squealed during a _Train_ song. I swear, he was a shoulder pat away from tearing up.

When Kanye's _Gold digger_ came on, I'd had enough. There was no way I could get through that one. I turned the volume down and told Jasper that he was killing me with the volume and his song selection.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whaddya' mean?" He asked, surprised at my comment. "These are classics!"

I cocked an eyebrow and glanced at him. "I hardly think that _Gold digger_ is a classic."

"Well, what would you suggest?"

For a few beats, I thought about what would be nice to hear after all of…that. I'd talked to my dad a few hours prior and the concern in his voice was still fresh in my mind.

"You wouldn't happen to have any Johnny Cash, would you?" I had grown up listening to Johnny and had hated it until I grew up and realized just how musically genius he was.

A slow grin spread out from under the beard. "Do I ever…"

After a few prison songs, a forced duet of _Jackson_, and _Amazing Grace_, I glanced behind me to look at Edward. His head was leaning back against the window and his body seemed relaxed but I couldn't tell if he was really asleep or not.

"Jasper," I said, turning down the music, "use your creepy sleep-watching super powers and see if you think that Edward is out."

He ignored the "creepy" part and turned around to look at Edward for a few moments. "I'm eighty five percent sure that he's asleep."

That was good enough for me. "When was the last time you saw him?"

"About eight years ago when he was in Pekin. He looked pretty bad ass in that orange jumper." He frowned. "He didn't seem to think so."

"Why did you stop visiting?"

Jasper pulled a pack of Twizzlers out of his bag and offered me one. I shook my head with a smile, declining the snack.

"He told me to," he replied. "I used to bring letters from his Grandma whenever I would visit because she wanted to stay in touch. She said that she sent a few in the mail and they were sent back so she wanted me to hand deliver them."

"His grandma? He never mentioned his grandma."

Jasper glanced over his shoulder at Edward, obviously uneasy about talking about him while he dozed. "Edward didn't want to stay in touch with any of his family. He knew how his parents felt about him and…well, he wanted to keep his distance."

I frowned at the steering wheel. "What about you? Why did he tell you to stop coming and visiting him?"

"Same reason, I guess."

He chewed on his Twizzlers—loudly, might I add—while I chewed on what he had just told me. Edward had family that loved him and wanted to keep in touch with him. While I understood keeping Jasper at arm's length because he was Alice's boyfriend, the man who'd brought her to that damn party in the first place, but his own grandma?

The answer was plain. Edward thought he was toxic. In his mind, he only passed pain into others and no joy. It was almost a given for him to send me away, back to where I belonged. In his own twisted mind, it was his gift to me. Keep me from becoming poisoned by him and he could sleep easier at night.

"Do you remember Alice?" I asked.

It was hard to see his expression under the mop of blonde fuzz on his face but I sensed sadness.

"Of course, I do." He bit off some licorice before continuing, "She was such a feisty little thing—very stubborn and she had a temper but damn, she was beautiful."

"Did you love her?" The question may have been inappropriate for a man I'd just met and I held my breath for his answer. Something told me that when Jasper got upset, he _really_ got upset.

"I was eighteen so…who knows? I cared for her and I loved hanging out with her but we were so young." He was quiet for a moment before grinning widely at me. "She wanted to be a Veterinarian."

I smiled. "Edward told me about the wolves."

He nodded. "Oh, yes, Jericho, the wolf. She made me take her down there a few times. When she was there…it was like, she was home, you know? She loved that place." Slowly, he leaned over, smiled and blinked both eyes at me in that twitchy fashion I'd grown accustomed to. "Sometimes, I was jealous over that overgrown dog."

I laughed.

"Pull over," Edward barked from the back seat.

My heart skipped a beat and I jumped at the sound of his voice. "What?"

"Find a gas station somewhere," he mumbled, sitting up. "I need some coffee."

The next five minutes before finally spotting a gas station were painfully silent. I wasn't sure how much Edward had heard, probably all of it, but I felt guilty. I peeked at Jasper and he looked like he was in some sort of pain, probably the same horrible guilt that I was feeling.

"I gotta piss like a mo'fo'."

Or maybe he just had to pee real bad.

Edward started pumping gas as Jasper hightailed it into the small gas station, only to emerge a few seconds later with a large wooden block. He shook the wooden block at Edward and explained with a smile that it was attached to the key to the restroom.

Edward replied with silence.

I sighed and decided that now as good of a time as any to apologize. Surprisingly, he offered me a small smile as I walked up to him.

"How close are we?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Probably a little over an hour."

I fidgeted under his eyes. The gas pumped clicked off and I jumped.

"Look, Edward, I don't know how much you heard when I was talking to Jasper but I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I should have—"

"It's fine, Bella." The taut muscles of his face and the tight grip of his jaw made it clear that it wasn't fine.

"Were you asleep at all?" He didn't answer me. "Take off those damn sunglasses and look at me, Edward."

He swallowed as he looked down at me…or I imagined he was looking down at me since I couldn't see his eyes. With a sigh, he opened his mouth to speak but Jasper conveniently cut him off.

"Whew! That was the longest piss I've taken in, shit, since that time I took that bet in fifth grade that I could hold my urine for twenty fours." He tugged at his beard and both of his eyes twitched at me. "I almost made it."

After Jasper settled himself in the car, I noted, "At least that proves that it's a personality quirk and not chemically related."

The corner of Edward's mouth twitched. "What?"

I nodded my head toward Jasper. "He's always been odd—doing shit like that in fifth grade? Have you always been friends with him?"

After leaning his back against the car, he crossed his arms over his chest. "You seemed to be having a good time with him while I was dozing in the back seat."

With narrowed eyes, I said, "He's a good guy. Just because I said he was 'odd', doesn't mean that I don't like him."

The tip of his tongue made a pass over his bottom lip and I shamelessly watched every second of the motion.

"I went to school with Jasper since we were in kindergarten. I was the one who made that bet with him in fifth grade." He leaned forward suddenly, twisted the gas cap on and flipped the tiny door closed. "And he did not love Alice."

He went to move away from me to the other side of the car but I grabbed his forearm, stopping him. It was the first time we'd touched since before I'd gone back to Forks. His skin was soft on my fingers and the heat from it radiated into my pores. Unable to stop myself, I released my hold and ran my fingertips up the soft hair of his arm. I shivered. I'd missed Edward in so many ways: His sense of humor, his protectiveness, his kindness but in that moment, I realized that I missed the feeling that filled my belly when he touched me—that warm, fuzzy, fluttery feeling that made my knees weak and my heart pound in my throat.

Whether he was conscious of that feeling or not, he drew closer to me until his thigh brushed against my hip. The feel of his sweet breath in my hair and the warmth of his body made sweat bead on the back of my neck. I felt like I was suffocating but in a good way; drowning in everything Edward.

"You can talk to me, you know," I whispered into the hollow of his neck.

His lips brushed my forehead. "You can talk to me too. It wasn't necessary for you to wait until I was asleep and try to drag information out of Jasper."

I looked up at him, trying to gauge his emotions but his dark sunglasses kept those eyes contained behind blackness. "If it's any consolation, he wasn't much help."

That earned me a grin. "Maybe if you listened to some more Enrique, he would have opened up a little more."

Edward drove the rest of the way—silent but less tense. I dozed off in the back to Eddie Grant (and Jasper) singing _Electric Avenue_; I awoke to Wham!—_Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. _The car stopped and I opened my eyes to Jasper smiling at me from the passenger seat.

"I don't care what you say, Jasper, that is entirely too creepy."

He shrugged. "You talk in your sleep."

I sighed dramatically. "I know." He blinked at me. "Okay, I give…what did I say?"

With his brows furrowed, he shifted in his seat so that he was looking at me. "Something about the dark and being afraid; you whimpered a little." My legs suddenly felt ten times heavier, sluggish with anxiety. I'd felt good on this trip but my subconscious always had a way of letting me know when I was getting in over my head. I took a good look at the motel where we were staying; it looked safe enough but was there_ really_ a place that was 'safe enough'? "Oh! And you ordered a pizza—thin crust and light on the sauce."

I sat in silence, deep in thought until Edward came back to the car. We piled out, took long stretches and followed him up the stairs to the second level.

"Jazz, you're in this room." I thought it was odd how Jasper supposedly lived in this town but he was still staying in the motel with us but I didn't say anything. "Bella, you're here and I'm next door."

"Bella, you wanna switch?" Jasper asked, doing the double eye twitch thing.

Before I could reply, Edward spoke up. "No, Bella is in the middle."

Jasper waggled his eyebrows. "Sounds kinky."

I laughed but Edward closed his eyes and shook his head at his friend.

"We should order a pizza," Jasper said as we all put our keys into our doors. "Bella got me in the mood for a pepperoni thin crust."

I rolled my eyes but agreed that pizza did sound pretty damn good. Edward told us to get settled in and come back to his room in a half hour for dinner.

After I opened my door, I blindly felt around the wall for a light switch but felt none. The sun was low in the sky but the dark curtains made it difficult to make out details of the room until my eyes adjusted. When they did, I made a beeline for the lamp by the bed. It was the only light except for the bathroom; my stomach tied itself into knots. Thank God for my nightlights; those combined with the bathroom light would be perfect. The cheap framed pictures of purple flowers and farm animals was an attempt to make this a cheerful room but the dark curtains and brown comforter on the bed set my nerves on edge. It had taken me months to be comfortable enough to sleep in my own bedroom; in a strange place, it wasn't going to be easy. In short, it was going to suck.

After turning on the bathroom light, I grabbed my key and stepped outside to the balcony. With my eyes closed, I took a deep breath in through my nose and blew it out past pursed lips. Resting on my elbows, I leaned on the railing and jumped when a door slammed.

"You okay?"

I flinched and my hand flew to my chest. "Jesus! You scared me!"

Still adorned in those blasted sunglasses, Edward came and stood beside me, leaning his hip against the metal railing. "It doesn't seem like you're hard to scare. You sure you're okay with—"

"I'm fine," I said, cutting him off. "I was just getting some fresh air. What are you doing out here?"

"Waiting for the pizza."

He moved a little closer and my elbow lightly grazed his; it may as well have been our entire nude bodies, by the way my insides jerked by the slight touch.

"Do you hate him?" I asked.

Edward swallowed and shifted on his feet. Our elbows lost contact. "Who?"

"Jasper," I said. "Do you hate him for taking Alice to that party?"

His knuckles grazed over the scruff of his jaw. "Bella, do we have to talk about this now? It's been a long day and…"

I waited for him to finish but he didn't. Instead, he focused the lenses of his glasses on the setting sun.

"What's the plan for tomorrow? Or is our schedule off limits, too?" He cut his eyes to me but his expression remained neutral. "Are you giving me the stink eye? If so, you should grow a pair and take off the sunglasses so that I can effectually _see_ the stink eye and react accordingly."

He barked out a laugh and if I didn't know better, I would have thought it was actual genuine laughter. Instead, it was laced with bitter sadness. "For the record, I was not giving you the 'stink eye'."

"Okay, well then, what is our schedule like for tomorrow?"

That pink, dangerous tongue of his made another pass over his bottom lip. "_I _am going to my grandmother's house; you can hang out here with Jasper."

"I want to meet your grandma."

"You can meet her some other time but not tomorrow." I gave him the stink eye and in response, he quirked an eyebrow. "This isn't going to be easy and I don't want—"

"That's the whole reason that I should be there, Edward." Reluctantly, I grabbed his hand with mine and squeezed. "You're not alone so stop acting like you are. It's the reason I drove you down here, so I could be here for you."

He shook his head, looking pained. "You don't owe me anything, Bella."

My smirk held no humor. "I'm not doing this to pay a debt, Edward. Do you know how much you—"

"Pizza here yet?" Jasper's shout interrupted my impending confession. "I'm freaking starved!"

I dropped Edward's hand and he moved away from me. "It'll be here in a few minutes."

"Thank the heavens!" Jasper propped his elbows next to mine and grinned at the sunset. "That's a beautiful thing, isn't it?"

My eyes followed his gaze and I mentally kicked myself for not realizing what was happening right in front of us. The yellow rays of the sun meshed with high level clouds creating a pinkish hue along the horizon.

"It certainly is," Edward mumbled.

I glanced at him. Even though his shades were in place, I could see that he wasn't referring to the magnificence of Mother Nature. He was looking at me.

**XxXxXx**

Jasper ended up coming along with us the next day to Edward's grandmother's house since he seemed to know her better than Edward did. The anxiety was seeping from Edward's pores and even Jasper kept his mouth shut on the short drive over. I yawned like a cat when we pulled into the concrete driveway of a little yellow house in a quaint neighborhood not far from our motel.

"You didn't sleep well?" Edward asked, looking at me in the rear view mirror.

"Not really," I said through another yawn and then changed the subject. "This is where she lives?"

All of us stared at the house for a few beats.

"Whelp, let's get this show on the road. Grammy Betsy always has the best homemade cookies on hand." Jasper got out of the car and slammed the door before making his way up to the front door.

I leaned forward between the two front seats. "Has she always lived here?"

Edward nodded. "She's lived here for over forty years."

My eyes scanned all of her lawn ornaments. "What about the cats?" I pointed to the cat statues beside the neatly trimmed bushes that ran along the side of her house. "And the gnome? How old is he?"

The corners of his mouth twitched. "I haven't had the honor of meeting them yet."

"What is it that they say? There's no time like the present?"

We got out of the car and joined Jasper on the porch, who was doing some impatient squirming.

"This is your dad's mom?" Edward nodded. "You haven't seen her since…"

He cleared his throat. "Since Alice was alive."

The severity of the situation hit me. This was huge for Edward, life-changing and I couldn't believe that he wanted to come here alone. I wanted to shake him silly and hug him all at the same time. For months, I relied on him to get me through some of the toughest times of my life yet he wanted to go about this solo.

Edward took a deep breath and knocked on her door. The sound of a dog yapping echoed as we waited.

"That's Buster. Don't let him get too close to your leg," Jasper advised.

Before I could ask him to explain, the door crept open and a short lady with a bun of silver hair on top her head peeked out at us. Her cheeks looked soft and plump and her lips pursed in concern. She looked carefully at Edward and then me but when she saw Jasper, her face lit up.

"Jazzy!" She took the lock off the screen door and opened it for us. "Who are your friends?"

My heart hurt for Edward. She didn't even recognize her own grandson but he took it gracefully, smiling at her as Jazz leaned in and gave her a hug.

"Uh…" You knew things were intense when Jasper was at a loss for words.

"Grandma, it's me, Edward."

She gave him the best look she could, considering Jasper was still swamping her in a hug. I wanted to grab him by the back of the shirt and drag him off of her but there was that whole first impressions thing to think about.

When Jasper released her and moved around her to quiet the yapping dog, she looked Edward up and down. Her eyes filled with tears and she put a trembling hand over her mouth. Edward stared back at her, probably praying to the God of Tears for a remission in this instance. It didn't work.

"Is it really you?" Her voice was muffled by her hand. "Edward?"

He nodded and chuckled nervously. "It's really me."

"Oh, Lord, come in, come in," she said, waving him in.

His foot barely graced the threshold before she wrapped her thin arms around his torso and squeezed. The return hug was less enthusiastic but I sighed in relief. I don't know what he was expecting but it wasn't this.

"Grammy Betsy, this is Bella—my future wife," Jasper said with a grin.

My jaw dropped and my palm twitched to slap Jasper. Instead, I smiled at the delightful woman in front of me. "I'm not. I mean, I am Bella, but I'm not Jasper's future wife."

Edward's grandma raised her silver eyebrows at Jasper.

"She's in denial," he explained.

"Jasper…" Edward warned.

Jasper did a smart thing and changed the subject. "You got any cookies?"

"In the kitchen—on top the bread box." He clapped like a wannabe cheerleader before scurrying off.

"Bella? Are you a friend of Edward's, then?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am. It's very good to meet you."

Her smile was so grandmotherly that it made me yearn for my own grandparents whom passed away before I got a chance to know them. "Edward…"—she put a hand on his shoulder—"come sit down and I'll get you kids something to eat."

"Oh, you don't have to go to any trouble. I just—"

She waved him off. "Nonsense. I've got a pot of soup cooking right now."

"It's so good to see you, Edward," she said as we sat down at her kitchen table. Buster, a very spunky Boston Terrier, bounced around by her feet as she moved around the stove, probably hoping for a crumb to fall. "Did you get my letters that I sent?"

Edward struggled for a moment to answer, his knuckles grazing over his jaw. "I, uh, didn't because it was too hard for me to read them. It was rotten of me, I know, but I sent them back to you. I'm sorry."

She looked confused but shrugged. "Well, I'm glad that you're here now. Jasper says that you live up in Chicago?"

For the next half hour, Edward caught his grandma up with his life—his job, his hobbies and his friends, including The McCarty's. She listened intently, occasionally stirring the soup she had simmering on the stove. Jasper got down on the floor and played with Buster as they talked. When Edward would get to some of the more difficult parts of his life, like his Sunday routine, I'd put a hand on his shoulder or graze his shoe with mine just so he remembered what I'd told him the night before: He wasn't alone. It amazed me that he shared so much with her; it was almost as if he had been waiting for this moment.

"And, Bella, do you live in Chicago?"

"No, Mrs. Masen, I live in Washington," I said.

A look of shock took over her face. "Are you going to be a politician?"

I chuckled. "No, I live in the state of Washington. The town I live in is called Forks."

She put a hand to her chest. "Oh, thank goodness. Politicians make my skin crawl."

We all muttered out agreements.

After she'd spooned out a bowl of soup for all of us, she sat down beside Jasper and told us to dig in. My stomach growled at the idea of home cooked soup, something I hadn't had since my parents were still married. I put the first bite in my mouth and froze. It was horrible. Terrible. I tried desperately to keep a neutral face but it was hopeless as I grabbed for my napkin to give my mouth a fake once-over. I peeked at Edward and he gave me an apologetic smile. Jasper, however, was shoveling it down as if he hadn't eaten in weeks.

"This is so good, Grammy," he said, slurping on his spoon.

She chuckled. "Well, I'm not as good of a cook as I used to be but I still got a little bit of a fire in my oven."

I made appropriate humming noises to go along with Jasper's compliment.

We made awkward small talk throughout the rest of the meal, the big elephant in the room sitting right on Edward's shoulders. As Betsy spoke about her involvement in the church, I felt something grab hold of my leg. At first, I thought that Edward was trying to pass me some secret message but when I glanced at him, he was enthralled with what his grandma was telling him. I peeked under the table and found myself face to face with Buster who had taken a sudden liking to my leg. And when I say "liking"…I mean full-out-humping-machine liking.

My face flushed with embarrassment as I tried desperately to kick him off. He didn't budge; his little arms were wrapped so tightly around my knee that no amount of foot movement was going to stop him from having his way with my ankle. I tried to push him off with my other foot but he managed to evade and twist his body and keep his grip. I reached down, trying not to draw attention to myself because let's face it…being humped by a dog is humiliating. He had this look on his face like he was…satisfied. That, mixed with the soup I'd just forced down, made my stomach lurch. After some serious effort on my part, I managed to pry him off my leg but not before he snapped at me, barely missing my skin. Unfortunately, the sound of his snarl brought attention to my situation.

"Is Buster begging again?" Betsy asked, rising from her seat. "Buster! Leave Bella alone! She's our guest!"

I asked Edward for help with a look.

"Why don't Bella and I clean off the table for you, Grandma. I think I'd love some of those cookies that Jasper keeps raving about."

"They're Keebler," she announced.

_Thank God…_

Jasper stopped chewing on a cracker and with a full mouth, he said, "Keebler? But I thought…"

Betsy put a hand on his shoulder and shot him a regretful look. "Oh, Jazz, Honey, they've always been Keebler."

That officially took the wind out of Jasper's sails along with his appetite. He frowned and set the half-eaten cracker down on the table.

Buster kept eyeing me as we cleaned off the table and once Betsy left to show Jasper her newest addition to her Precious Moments collections, I voiced my concerns to Edward.

"That dog is crazy!" He looked down at Buster for a few beats before going back to loading the dishwasher. "I'm serious, Edward! He…he tried to bite me!"

I left out the humping part for my own humility's sake.

"Maybe he's one of those tough love kinds of dogs. Maybe he only tried to bite you to see what you taste like." He smiled at me, showing me all his teeth. "Typical male."

I scowled at him. "Look at how he's looking at me." Buster was panting and his little bug eyes were watching my every movement. "I know it sounds crazy but…don't leave me alone with him, okay?"

Edward laughed. A real, full belly laugh.

Do you know the feeling when you discover a song or a band and it's the best freaking thing that had ever graced your ears? You wonder to yourself how you ever survived without that song in your life? That was what hearing Edward's laugh was like for me. I hadn't heard it in months and I felt instantly elated, almost high over the sound. It was worth a thousand dog-humpings and a million puncture wounds.

"I'm serious," I hissed, fighting my own laughter. "How can such a horrible little dog live with such a sweet old lady?"

With both hands on the counter, he leaned forward and sighed out a few residual laughs. "Oh, God, Bella, I missed you so much."

Instantly, I sobered. It was the first genuine thing he'd said to me since I'd come to Chicago and by the look on his face, he'd let it slip. It was a heat-of-the-moment kind of confession but I took pleasure in that because I knew that he meant it. He straightened up and walked toward me, slowly and unsure, and I inched closer to him. It sounded cliché and cheesy and something out of a lame romance novel, but our attraction to each other was magnetic. When our eyes met in situations like this, like the one we'd had the night before on the balcony of the motel, it was magical. Everything else disappeared. Nothing mattered but each other.

His fingertips brushed over my forearm and he leaned into me, inhaling the scent of my hair. Slowly, his fingers made a pass over my shoulder and then over my collarbone. Somewhere along the line, I stopped breathing. My heart pounded so loud in my ears that I was sure his grandma could hear it in the next room. Shaking, I ran my hand up his stomach and came to a stop on his chest, just over his heart. I could feel his pounding just as fiercely as mine. I smiled.

"You shouldn't have come back, Bella," he whispered against my temple. "You are so good, so, so good."

"So are you," I whispered back, my lips moving against the skin of his neck. "For what it counts, I missed you too."

He placed his other hand on my back and I could feel him internally struggling. Push or pull, fight or flight. I brushed my lips along his jaw and he sighed, almost whimpered, into my hair.

"Hey guys! You have to see this!" The sound of Jasper voice was like an electric shock and we flew apart, both breathless and red-faced. "Grammy Betsy has a little person that looks just like me!" We tried to act casual, both of us picking up a dish and running a cloth over it. Jasper held up a little doll that did indeed look like him, beard and everything.

"That's awesome, Jasper!" I said enthusiastically.

"So cool!" Edward blurted.

Jasper dropped the hand that was holding the doll and narrowed his eyes at us. "What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing!"

"What are you talking about?"

I glanced at Edward and he was avoiding eye contact with Jasper, rubbing an already clean pan furiously.

"Uh huh," he mumbled. "Just remember your promise to me, Bella."

Then he was gone, heading toward the living room.

My mouth dropped open. "He's infuriating."

Edward laughed. "He's definitely special."

After we'd finished cleaning up the dishes, with no further incidents, we moved into the living room where Jasper had his feet kicked back. The TV was turned onto some soap opera. Both of them were enthralled with the storyline so much so that I hated to interrupt.

"Grandma," Edward started but hesitated. The big pink elephant was about to make its debut. "I wanted to ask you about my parents."

Jasper clicked the TV off and straightened. I sat down on the couch, sandwiched between Edward and Jasper as Betsy offered us cookies.

"You dad is at hospice and…" She closed her eyes and took a breath for courage. "The doctors say that he has anywhere from a day to two months left. I was there yesterday and he doesn't even seem like…"

The room grew thick with emotion as she struggled to compose herself. I grabbed Edward's hand and squeezed.

"Jasper said that he wants to see me," Edward managed.

She nodded quickly. "He does and I really hope that you go. I know that...after the accident, it was a difficult time for everyone and he didn't handle it in the best way."

I bit my lip, wanting to say how under exaggerated that was. His parents had disowned him which was inexcusable. I grew furious at his parents, whom I hadn't even met and a little angry at Betsy. Edward squeezed my hand, sensing my thoughts.

"I know that they shut you out of their life and you may not feel that he deserves this chance but don't you have some things to say to him? Even if it's just…goodbye?" Her voice broke and Jasper leaned over and put an arm around her shoulders. "After the divorce, your parents—"

Edward interrupted. "Divorce? My parents are divorced?"

She looked puzzled. "Well, yeah, they've been divorced for seven years. Your mom started drinking and Ed couldn't handle it. He was struggling with his business and grieving over losing both, you and Alice."

"Whose fault was that?" I blurted and instantly regretted it.

"Ed will admit that it was his fault that he lost touch with you, Edward—especially now. He'd like a chance to be at peace with that before he goes."

My tongue was aching from all the biting but I had to look at it from her perspective; it couldn't have been easy for her. The natural order of things had betrayed her and she would be burying her child—plus, she had to actually watch him die. Edward's grandmother was the only member of his family that actually tried to keep in touch with him after his incarceration and he didn't follow through with their relationship. That was his fault. He had his reasons but he was still to blame for her absence in his life.

Edward was silent beside me as his grandma leaned forward in her chair. "It's up to you what you do, Eddie, but no matter what you decide, I'm always going to be your Granny. I really hope that you keep in touch, even after…"

He cleared his throat and nodded his head, not in agreement but in consideration.

"Your grandma is bad ass, Edward," Jasper said as we piled into the car.

I was driving, Jasper was riding shotgun and Edward was in the back with those pesky sunglasses on.

"Do you see her a lot, Jasper?" I asked, turning the engine over. "You seem pretty close to her."

He shrugged. "I lived here, on and off, for a few months last year"

"You did?" I looked at Edward's reflection in the rear view mirror and he didn't look surprised.

"Yep."

We didn't say anything else on the way back except for the occasional directions from Jasper. I couldn't imagine what was going on in Edward's head after hearing his grandma's plea for her son, his father. No matter what he decided, I was going to be there to back him up.

"I'm fucking starved," Edward murmured as pulled into the parking lot of the motel. "I'm going to take a walk, get something to eat. You guys want anything?"

"Dude, I'm totally full on that soup," Jasper groaned, holding his stomach. "Where do you think you'll go?"

"I don't know; probably McDonalds or something."

"You want some company?" I asked.

"Nah, I won't be gone long."

"A Big Mac sure sounds tasty, though," Jasper said, looking thoughtful. "I haven't had their french fries in ages, either."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I'll get you some food. Bella? Want anything?"

I gave him my food order and watched him walk away; his shoulders slumped and his hands were stuffed deeply into the pockets of his jeans. Edward looked defeated and it bothered me.

"You wanna do it?" Jasper asked as both of his eyes twitched closed.

"Do what?"

He nudged me with his elbow. "You know…"

"Ugh! Gross!" I shoved him away.

His eyebrows waggled frantically as he grinned and entered his room. Before the door closed behind him, I heard him holler, "Your loss!"

**XxXxXx**

That night I had a nightmare—a James nightmare. It had been months since my brain had conjured him up while I was unconscious. I blamed it on the strange environment and my overtired state when I went to bed. When I shot up in bed, drenched in sweat, I was panting and my face was covered in tears. My eyes scanned the room that was lit only by the bathroom, and through blurry vision I saw a shadow.

There was a man in my room.

I stopped breathing. My fingers gripped the sheets and I watched the form sit unmoving in the corner by the door. Then I waited…and waited…nothing happened. He just sat there, probably watching me panic and enjoying the power he had over me by simply existing.

Edward was next door. If I called for him, he'd either have to break down the door or I'd have to unlock it. I glanced briefly at the doors that connected our rooms and wondered if I was quick enough. The intruder was only eight or nine feet away. If only I could get to the door and unlock it, Edward could come in through that way. My chest seized and my stomach clenched with every breath that I took.

_Why was he just sitting there, watching me?_

Then I made my move, I lunged for the door and shakily unbolted the lock; my breath coming in whimpers and quiet curses as I anticipated the cold, hard hands that would, no doubt, overpower me. Nothing. But that didn't stop me from banging on the door and shouting Edward's name. It flew open and I collapsed into him, his strong hands wrapping around my body.

"What? What is it?"

I blabbered something as my chest heaved for breath and he flipped on the lamp. The only decipherable words that came from my mouth were "man", "room", and "help" so you can imagine the shock on my face when Edward set me down gently on his bed and went into my room. I wanted to tell him not to go, not to risk his own life, but this was Edward and we'd been down that road before. I closed my eyes and waited to hear the impending struggle; pictures crashing from walls, muffled shouts as the fists would start flying.

Nothing.

"Bella," Edward whispered as he knelt in front of me, "I didn't see anyone in your room."

"He was there…by the door in the corner. He must have left when I went for your door, got scared or something. I saw him!" Momentarily, I ignored the twinge of insanity in my tone, focusing first on just being safe.

Edward looked me over, his thumbs gently swiping the tears from my cheeks. "Maybe you had a bad dream."

I nodded but then frantically shook my head. "Well, I did but I saw him when I woke up. He was there!"

He licked his lips. Twice. "Can you show me where you saw him?"

Following a deep breath, I stood up and shaky legs. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist to keep me steady and he guided me back into my room. Immediately, my eyes went to the corner to where the man had been. I clutched onto Edward's shirt as the muscles in my thighs trembled under my weight.

The man was still there in the form of my hooded sweatshirt that I'd hung up on the corner of one of the picture frames. In my defense, it _was_ creepy and I kicked myself for not removing it before falling asleep.

"I'm crazy," I whispered. "I'm going crazy."

"Was...was it your sweatshirt? Is that what you saw?" Edward wasn't annoyed but hopeful that the problem had been solved. Only the problem now in question ran far deeper than the position of a creepy pullover.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So, I have some bad news... my time is stretched pretty thin right now in RL. It's part of the reason why I didn't get a chance to respond to reviews. I'm writing chapter 27 and typically I get time to write at night after I get home from work but my three year old-who already has a sleep disorder-has been waking up several times during the night. We are trying to break him of his pacifier and I swear to GOD, it's like watching a heroin addict go through withdrawal symptoms. Every time he starts crying and writhing around on the ground, I get a visual of Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting when he starts getting the cold sweats. SO, until I can get caught up and a few more chapters ahead, I'm going to post once a week instead of twice. I just don't want that pressure of having to write out a chapter and get it up. KWIM? Plus, I enjoy responding to reviews and it sucks when I don't get a chance to do it. **_

_**Okay, now that THAT is out of the way...**_

_**Any thoughts on Edward's grandma? Any new opinions of Jasper? We find out a lot more about Jazz in the next chapter and the reason why he does some of the things that he does. PLUS, we get to meet Edward's dad. Do you think he will be forgiving or want to place blame on Edward just one more time before he dies? I really did write this before Whitney Houston passed away so I hope no one thinks that I'm making fun of her passing when mentioning her. Oh, and I srsly have Hero and Golddigger on my Ipod. J/S. **_

_**Thanks for reading! Sorry I'm such a chatty bitch today! I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and I'll see you next Tuesday!**___


	25. Chapter 24 Safe and sound

_**A/N: GAH! So much to say so suffer through it, will ya? **_

_**First of all, I was nominated AGAIN for fic of the week at The Lemonade Stand! WOW! Thanks, NIC and SixDlbfive! **_

_**Second, Jaime Arkin made me a banner! You can see it on my Facebook page ~ I'm Missy J. Jones. The banner is...well, PERFECT! Thank you, girl! I'll post a link when I get my shit together but for now, it's on FB.**_

_**Third, a review was written on The Indie Fic Pimp blog about CMNtD! I'm WIP of the week! Ya, I know, right? Here's the link! Just take out the spaces http : / indie fic pimp . blogspot . com / 2012/03 / wip- of - week - 3512 . html**_

_**You can also find the link on my Facebook page! I thank AbbyCreations for that fucking awesome review! **_

_**Fourthly, I hope you guys are all prepared for the Jasper/Bella/Edward threesome I have planned for this chapter. J/K. Just seeing if you were still paying attention. ;)**_

_**Thank you, Softragoo, my beautiful prereader. Everyday, I ask myself the same question: Why the fuck do we have to live in different countries? Huh? HUH?**_

_**Okay, I'm almost done...don't get your undies in a bunch. **_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**_

_**Song Rec: "One and Only" by Adele ( This song is perfect for this chapter - Youtube it peeps!)**_

_**Okay. Shutting up now.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Twenty four<strong>_

"You're not crazy."

"I feel crazy."

Edward sat down beside me on the bed and put his arm around my shoulders. "You should sleep in here with me tonight."

I winced. "I thought I was passed this part of my life. You're the one that's supposed be leaning on my shoulder right now, not the other way around. Just when I feel like I'm getting some semblance of normalcy back in my brain, something like this happens."

Turning me slightly so that I was facing him, he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. "I don't even know what you've been through the past several months but I can tell just by looking at you how much stronger you are. This is going to take years, maybe your whole life, to come to terms with."

I sniffled. "When did you get so smart?"

He chuckled in my ear, his warmth radiating through me. "I'm a little in shock that you haven't noticed my brilliance before."

I giggled wetly into his shirt. "I think I just snotted on you."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

Feeling better I tried to pull away but his arms tightened his hold on me. "Do you need anything from your room?"

I shook my head.

After he'd shut off the lights and shut the door that joined our rooms, he motioned for me to scoot over as he yanked off his shirt. He pulled the covers over us and didn't hesitate to draw me onto his chest with his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders. I was dressed in my normal sexy bed clothes of sweats and t-shirt but Edward was adorned simply in boxers. He didn't seem uncomfortable nor did he seem to worry that I was. As he lay down beside me, it almost felt as if the past several months hadn't happened and we were back in his apartment in Chicago. I'd forgotten how good it felt, to be wrapped up in him like that. I closed my eyes and inhaled his skin, the soft hairs of his chest tickling my nose. My fingertip traced light circles in the soft hair of his lower abdomen.

"Tell me about Forks," he said softly.

The strength of his arm supporting me like a cage gave me the energy to tell him everything. I told him how lost I felt when I went back and how terrified I was of being in that house; my attempt at smoking and the fight with my dad; Leah and the job. I told him how I'd started running and how I'd joined a martial arts class. Not only did I cover the events of the past six months but I also told him how erratic my emotions were during that time.

"You're doing well," he noted.

"I still have a long way to go, obviously." Reluctantly, I crawled up and rested my head on the pillow so that I could gauge his expression. His arm was trapped under my neck, the feel of his warm skin doing a number on the fluttering that presided in my belly. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?"

He looked over at me and sighed. "I don't know what to expect but…"—he shrugged a shoulder—"We'll see, I guess."

There was a war waging in my head over whether I should push him or let it be, since he obviously didn't want to talk about it. Since he'd just rescued me from my own mind and a lazily hung sweatshirt, I decided to let the subject be. Instead, I watched him stare up at the ceiling with thoughtful eyes that were in danger of being covered by his hair. Hesitantly, I ran my fingers through it, sweeping it out of his face.

"You need another haircut," I whispered.

He turned his face, his eyes flashed with that familiar passion that I'd feared he'd lost while I was in Forks. Slowly, he turned on his side and our noses were inches apart. I breathed in his sweet exhales as if I were breathing life into my own body. With my fingertips, I traced the outline of the wolf tattoo on his shoulder and then down over his chest. He sucked in a breath with the contact but didn't pull away like I expected him to.

"I really missed you, Edward," I whispered roughly. "I thought about you every day."

Regret swept over his face and he opened his mouth to say something—probably something really stupid and self-deprecating. Before he could get any words out, I leaned forward swiftly and pressed my mouth to his. The hesitation on his part was apparent but it melted away as I clutched at his back to pull him closer to me. Warmth spread through my entire body as he kissed me back and gripped the back of my head with a gentle hand. The scruff of his beard passed roughly over my chin and I groaned as the ache inside me reached a surprisingly alarming level.

That's when I realized that I wasn't afraid. There were no past images of torture running through my brain and my skin didn't prickle at the threat of a mostly nude male tugging at me. The only thing I felt was, well, good. No, it didn't feel good. It felt really fucking amazing. The warmth. The way he clutched onto me and pulled me to him like he'd fall into some deep abyss if he let me go. The way his soft wet lips moved over mine made my body feel like a thousand crystals shimmering in the sunlight. My spirit soared at every touch, every unconscious graze of his fingers over my skin. I felt like I was flying. Finally, finally…finally.

There was no fear. There was no disgust or ulterior motives for the way my fingers tugged his hair, angling his head so that I could plunge my tongue deeper into his mouth. There was no one else here with us, mentally or physically. I was in a place where I never thought I would ever get to and I wondered if he knew how amazing this was for me. He didn't, of course but he needed to know. A rough moan escaped my mouth as I wrapped my leg around his, entwining our bodies into a hot and sweaty tangle. His hand found my ankle and moved upward, under the thin fabric of my pants and massaged my calf.

I panted shamelessly as he broke the kiss but he didn't push me away. He didn't tell me that I belonged with some other man in some other bed. With his green eyes blazing into mine, he opened his mouth to speak but I wouldn't let him. I shushed him with a fingertip to his lips and shook my head, telling him with my eyes that whatever he wanted to say was ridiculous and stupid and would ruin this moment.

Instead, I curled myself into him, basking in the security and heat that was Edward Masen and whispered, "Good night."

**XxXxXx**

I woke up to the eerie feeling of being watched. It was unfortunately familiar but still the creepiest thing in the world to blink my eyes open to: The face of a blond bearded mountain man.

"You have to stop doing that." My voice was thick with sleep. "You have no manners."

His eyes twitched closed. "Edward told me to keep an eye on you while he was gone. Why are you in his bed, anyway?"

"I don't think he meant in that aspect, Jasper." I sat up and stretched, ignoring his question. "Where did he go anyway?"

"Coffee. Breakfast. Razors."

I raised my eyebrows. "Razors?"

He stroked his beard lovingly with his fingers. "Not for me, of course."

"Oh, of course not—what a ludicrous assumption."

"You don't like my beard?"

For a moment, I gave his beard careful consideration. "If it was, um, maybe trimmed a little and there weren't little crumbs in it all the time, I'd consider liking it."

He dropped his hands to his lap and frowned. "Is that why you refuse to accept my proposal?"

Internally, I groaned but outwardly, I kept a neutral face. "There wasn't a proposal, Jasper, and your beard would have nothing to do with my answer if there ever were such a proposal."

He brightened considerably.

After I'd taken care of my morning needs and gotten dressed, Edward had returned with—bless his heart—coffee and doughnuts. We ate in comfortable silence and watched Jasper drip custard down his shirt after a nice big bite.

"I want to take a quick shower and shave before we go," Edward mumbled after we'd eaten.

Half an hour later, he and I were getting into my rental. The nervous tension in the air was palpable and my mind scrambled to think of what to say to help put Edward at ease. I asked the first thing that I could think of that had nothing to do with where we were going.

"What's up with Jasper?"

"What do you mean?"

"Doesn't he live here in town? Why are you putting him up in a motel room if he lives here? Not that I mind, of course. The guy has actually grown on me a little. Except when he watches me sleep. That's disturbing." I took a deep breathe and glanced at him. He looked amused.

"Jasper has…problems."

"What kind of problems?"

He licked his lips. "I've only gotten patches of the story—some from Jasper himself and other parts from Betsy."

"You talked to Betsy about Jasper?"

"I called her this morning while I was out picking up breakfast and the subject just sort of popped up."

"Oh, so what did she say?"

He rubbed his knuckle against his freshly shaved jaw. "After Alice died, he went through a self-destructive period and got addicted to meth. When he'd come visit me in Pekin, I could tell he was strung out but he never asked me for anything."  
>"Why'd you ask him to stop visiting? Were you mad at him for taking Alice to that party?"<p>

After a beat of hesitation, he cut his eyes to me. "At first, yes, but he's not the one who dragged her into that car and got her killed." I pressed my lips together to keep from arguing with him on the blame issue. "I told him to leave me alone because I was afraid that seeing me was making him worse. The guilt that he felt was obvious and seeing me in prison…it was hard on him, it made him go even further downhill. So, I told him to stop coming to visit."

"What happened after that? He's not still…"

His eyes burned into mine. "Bella, I wouldn't let him hang around you if he was still slamming that shit."

"How did he get clean?"

"He told me that some people here in town helped him get into rehab, one of them being Betsy. She said that at one point, he overdosed on something and he was in a coma for three days. If it wasn't for Betsy, I have my doubts that Jasper would be alive today, from what both of them have told me."

I raised my eyebrows. "Your grandma helped him get clean?" He nodded. "Wow. That's just…wow."

"Now Jasper just bounces around from house to house; there isn't any place in particular that he stays permanently. He was a little nutty before the drugs but now…now, he's totally out there which eliminates any decent job prospects. Nobody wants to hire an addict—before he got clean, he was arrested for possession with intent to sell but since it was his first offense, he only got probation and community service."

"Oh, jeez," I mumbled. "So, you're saying that Jasper is homeless?"

He swallowed. "Essentially, Jasper has nothing including a home."

For the next few minutes, I thought about Jasper and I grew sad for him. Jasper had made mistakes but he was trying with no hope in sight for him. I wondered if he'd go back to Chicago with Edward for a while until he was able to find some work. It couldn't have been easy; I couldn't imagine Jasper making it through a job interview without rattling off something strange.

It made me think of how happy Jasper was all the time. He didn't let things get to him; his motives or actions weren't laced with bitterness. The guy was just simply a good guy; or maybe he was just blissfully ignorant. I wasn't sure but in the long run, it didn't really matter. Jasper was Jasper.

"I wondered about that eye twitch," I murmured.

"Eye twitch?"

"Yeah, he's always blinking at me."

Edward laughed a real laugh. "No, that's just Jasper. He used to do that in high school. Jasper has never been able to wink just one eye."

I grinned. "That's Jasper's wink?"

He smiled in return, glancing away from the road for a moment. "Yeah, I don't even think he realizes that he's closing both eyes. It used to crack Alice up."

His expression fell when he mentioned Alice and the weight that the conversation had lifted was now back, heavy on our shoulders.

"What was your dad like?" I asked.

"Smart. Thrifty. Proud," he replied.

I cleared my throat. "Were you close with him when you were young?"

"Yeah, I was." He pressed his lips together in thought. "There were times when I thought we were best friends. He took me to Wrigley for my thirteenth birthday; just him and me. It was…"—he let out a regretful sigh—"amazing."

The turn the conversation had taken was taking its toll on Edward so I kept silent. He knew I was curious so if he wanted to talk, he knew I would listen. The rest of the drive we spent in thoughtful silence.

The Hospice center where Edward's father, Ed Sr. was living was nothing like I expected. Trees and flowers surrounded the landscape in a cheerful greeting as we parked the car. The girl at the front desk smiled at us as if we were simply coming in to pick up our mail. We signed in and headed down the hall where Betsy had directed us the day before. I grabbed Edward's hand and threaded his fingers through mine; a simple gesture that I hoped he'd found comfort in. His hand squeezed mine and didn't let go. When we found the room, we paused to take a breath. I tried to pull my grasp from Edward's, assuming that he wanted to go about this on his own but he strengthened his hold on my hand.

"You want me to go with you?" I whispered.

He cleared his throat and stared at the numbers on the door. "Please."

My throat grew thick with emotion. "Just tell me where you want me."

Finally, he cut his eyes to me; an eyebrow quirked in an amused manner. "I can tell you exactly—"

I pinched his side with my free hand and giggled a little too loud, considering the place we were, and the man inside that room. His teasing calmed me, loosened both of us up enough to knock on the door and wait for a response. A few seconds later, the door opened, its hinges protesting the movement with a quiet creak.

Betsy smiled at both of us; her red rimmed eyes crinkling. "I'm so glad you came; both of you." She opened the door wider so that we could walk past her. "He's fairly coherent today since he's feeling pretty good. The pain medication is at a minimum for now."

As I gripped Edward's hand, I took in the small form of the man in the hospital bed. His face was covered by an oxygen mask and his chest moved deeply with each breath. My first thought was how unfair this was—not only had he failed to contact his son until he was on his death bed but now it would seem almost impossible to give him a piece of my mind. How do you yell at a dying man? How do you release anger on some weak soul who has mere days or weeks left to live?

Edward Sr. was bald and frail. His cheek bones protruded out from behind the oxygen mask and his eyes were closed to the world. My Edward walked to the side of his bed and stared at his father, the man he hadn't seen or spoken to in eight years. This man lying in front of him had held him as an infant, taught him how to walk, taken him to Wrigley Field on his thirteenth birthday. I watched Edward, cautious of his reaction to seeing his father like this. He merely stared, blinked at the prone skeletal form as if he was surfing through his memory in hopes to connect that man from his past to the one in front of him.

"Eddie," Betsy cooed in her son's ear, her arm rubbing soothing streaks along his forearm where tubes and needles and monitors were attached. "Eddie, you have a visitor."

"Y-you don't have to…" Edward started.

Betsy waved him off. "He'd be furious if he knew you were here and I didn't wake him. The nurses here will be grateful. He's weak but he still has his moments of temper tantrums and breakdowns."

"O-okay," Edward mumbled, almost childlike.

My hand that was being clasped in his was starting to ache. However, it wasn't Edward's grip that had gotten so tight but my own. I eased up when I noticed.

Finally, after a few more calls from his mother, Edward Sr. opened his eyes and blinked several times. His pale blue lifeless eyes landed on me first and I could see the question in them. I was two seconds from doing a look-over-here gesture with my finger to indicate the man I was with when he finally let his dull gaze wander over to Edward. There was no question that there was recognition.

He took a deep breath in and released it with two words. "My son."

Edward stared at him with his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide. I squeezed his hand to break him from the trance but it wasn't effective. His dad scratched top of his bald head and breathed heavily into his oxygen mask.

"What are you doing here?" he finally asked, his tone annoyed. Edward didn't answer so the old man felt the need to continue. "Did you hear that your old man's business is booming and you came here because you heard I'd be falling into 'The Big Sleep', hoping that you can cash in on my will?"

Edward didn't move but I wasn't as mesmerized by his father's antics as he was. Nor by Betsy's. I glanced up at her and was met with an apologetic and guilty smile.

Ed Sr. continued his rant. "Ain't that a crock of shit! I don't see him for eight years and here he is now, with his hand out like I owe him something."

Okay. Now I was getting pissed.

"Eddie," Betsy said softly, "you know why Edward is here. There are some things that you need to talk about, you said that yourself just last week."

His chest heaved with breath as he struggled with the desire to lash out again and the need for oxygen. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Edward was like a statue. For the first time since I met him—besides where James comes into play—I was afraid for him. He was always the strong one, always the one I turned to for direction but he was lost. Something wasn't clicking in his brain and I had no way of knowing what he needed to get his ass in gear.

"You do so know what I'm talking about!" she scolded, as if he was a ten year old boy getting caught sneaking a cookie before dinner.

"All I know is that I'm dying and _he_ finally shows up to make amends and—"

"Wait a fucking minute," I blurted.

Both of them turned slowly. Edward was still channeling stone.

"Who the hell are you?" Ed Sr. asked. "Are you looking for a handout too? Jesus Christ!"

"You want to know who I am?" I asked calmly. "I'm a friend of your son's, the most amazing man that I've ever met. He's a beautiful person who has tortured himself his whole life for an accident that took his little sister's life. There hasn't been a day that has passed that he didn't think about what he would do differently in order for Alice to still be here. There hasn't been a moment of his life that has passed that he didn't hate himself for that mistake he made as a kid." I glared down at Edward's father who was watching me with wide eyes. "He was just a kid for God's sake and you…you disowned him! How could you be so God damned cruel?"

Ed Sr. shook his head a little, his eyes wide as they took me in. If he only knew, if I only had the power to show this man a glimpse how much his son, his child, had suffered during his life because of how he was treated by his own blood, then maybe he'd think twice before accusing him of begging for a "handout".

"You are despicable!" I hissed. "I thought that maybe, just maybe, this was you reaching out to him at your last opportunity so that you could let him know how sorry _you_ are! How wrong _you_ were! And you know the amazing thing about this exceptional man standing in front of you? The amazing thing is that he would welcome you with open arms, with or without an apology. That…"—I pointed my finger at the feeble man in the bed—"is something that you apparently don't deserve."

Okay, so the whole yelling at a dying man thing? Not so hard.

I turned to Edward who had finally broken his trance and was looking at me with somewhat of an unreadable expression. I thought for a moment he was smirking but then I saw a tear roll down his cheek. I almost crumbled at watching that lone salty tear trace a path down his beautiful face.

"We should go," I mumbled and tugged on Edward's hand.

"Wait! Wait!" Betsy wiped her eyes as she cut us off from the door. "He really did want to talk to you. He's..."

The sound of her voice was drowned out by a muffled noise coming from the oxygen mask that covered Edward's father's face. At first, I was terrified that he was dying right in front of me. I feared that I had quickened his death by the ferocity of my words. But as we all stopped to stare, we watched the crumpled man on the bed shake as his body heaved with sobs. He lifted his arm, his hand shaky as he reached out for us, for Edward.

For the first time since we walked in this room, Edward dropped my hand and walked slowly to his side. Slowly, he felt the touch of his father's hand for the first time in eight years as he placed it on my Edward's arm. Without dropping his eyes from his dad's, he pulled a chair to the side of his bed.

Ed Sr. looked at Edward in an entirely different way than he had when he first laid eyes on him. He was almost in awe of him, as he lay, struggling for breath. The moment was beautiful and torturous.

"I'm…sorry…" The words seemed so simple to say but the meaning was profound. Edward had never expected to hear those words from the man that had raised him and when he did, he looked expectedly stunned. "I…didn't…"

Edward shook his head. "Don't talk; just rest. We have all day."

I'd never been so proud and elated and full of sorrow in all my life. I was watching something transpire that most people don't get to witness in a lifetime. It was life changing and inspirational.

A tissue blocked my view of the two men and I snatched it from Betsy's shaky fingers. "Thanks," I said with a smile.

"You want to take a walk with me?"

I swallowed and looked back at Edward, afraid to speak to him because if my voice was the thing that ruined this moment between them, I'd never forgive myself. But I couldn't leave him without knowing if he needed me with him or not. "Are you okay if I step outside?"

Edward looked up at me and the smallest smirk raised the corner of his mouth. "Only if you promise to come back."

I blinked both my eyes, offering him a Jasper-style wink in an effort to turn that tiny smirk into a full-fledged grin. It worked.

As I walked into the hallway with Edward's grandma, the adrenaline was still pumping as I recalled the words that came out of Ed Sr.'s mouth. I liked Betsy but it felt a little too much like we were set up in that room—not just Edward and I but also her son.

"What was that in there?" I asked, trying to keep my tone to friendly but barely succeeding. "You told Edward that he wanted to make amends."

She sighed. "They have really good coffee here. You want to walk down to the café?"

I chewed on my lip as I glanced back at the door we'd just closed. "No, I think I'd rather stay here."

She smiled and nodded as we sat down on a loveseat close to the room they were in. "I'm sorry about that. He really did want to see Edward again but he wasn't expecting it. I guess the shock of it all made him angry and he took it out on the wrong person."

"Why wouldn't you tell him?"

"I wasn't sure he'd show up, to be honest. I didn't want to put thoughts into my son's mind while he's suffering."

Anger boiled up inside of me but I stomped it down. "His reaction was..."—I shook my head and dug my nails into my palms—"ridiculous. Do you know what Edward has been through?"

She raised her silver eyebrows at me. "I didn't until you told us about it just minutes ago."

I sighed and felt some anger drift out of me along with the expelled breath. "I'm sorry. I know you tried to stay in touch with him and he closed himself off."

Her hand covered mine and my fist loosened. "He's lucky to have you."

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty damn lucky to have him too."

The next couple hours were slow and on the verge of being painful. My worries over what was happening behind that closed door didn't make me the conversational type but it didn't seem to affect Betsy. She was Edward's grandma and she'd been kind to me since I'd met her but I would have given my right breast for a bit of a sedative or some duct tape. While I sat on that loveseat, glancing from her to the door, she yammered on and on about nothing in particular: Her book club, how cute the dog is that lives next door—who is unsurprisingly aggressive toward her little Buster—and the dreaded Precious Moments collection that she'd started when Alice was born. Thankfully, this at least opened up to another subject that didn't make me want to yank my molars out.

"Were Edward and Alice close when they were little?" I asked.

She smiled at me. "They were always together, even as they got older. Edward was always really protective of her. I used to tell her that he spoiled her because all she had to do was snap her fingers and her brother would respond." With a sad sigh, she shook her head a little. "I often wonder what that girl would be up to now. She wanted to be a Veterinarian."

"That's what Jasper said."

"That boy is something else, I tell ya!" She laughed and sat back into the plush material of the furniture. "I'm glad that he's pulled himself together."

"You helped with that?"

"I guess a little but he did the hard part," she said with a proud grin.

I didn't really want to know the answer to my next question because it would hurt. "Where does he live?"

She shrugged. "Here and there."

I shook my head. "So, he doesn't really have a home? What about his parents?"

"They don't really communicate with him," she told me. The shock and anger must have been clear on my face because she continued carefully. "When Jasper was going through his hardest year, he did some pretty harsh things to them. The drugs took over his mind and every time they'd try to help him, he'd end up hurting them, cutting into the wound and pouring salt into it. The last time, he stole some of his mom's jewelry—precious family heirlooms—and pawned them. When she tried to get them back, he was so out of it that he couldn't remember where he'd pawned them at. It crushed them and they ended up cutting him out of their lives that very next day."

I was right. I didn't want these answers because the Jasper that I had grown so fond of wasn't the thieving type. But then again, he was clean and sober; his mind damaged but optimistic.

Betsy sensed my concern. "I don't want you thinking that he's a bad kid because he's not; he's just lost. It scares me sometimes because I don't want him going back to that life but then he shows up on my doorstep with his mouth raised in that glorious smile and I have faith that he's going to find his way again."

Before Edward's grandma could get into too much detail about her Friday night Euchre parties, I excused myself to call my own dad. I hadn't called him since the morning before and I knew he'd be worried.

I chatted with my dad for several minutes, and sent him a self-snapped picture of myself with my cell phone like I'd done the first time I'd called him. It was a way for him to sleep better at night, being able to see the picture and knowing that I hadn't been forced to call him as I was in Oklahoma. If he didn't get a picture with the call, he'd know something was up. My dad was brilliant and I told him so after he suggested the idea. I imagined him tugging at his moustache and trying not to grin as he slouched off the compliment.

When I'd hung up from the phone call and walked back to the room, Edward had taken my place and was talking quietly with his grandma. His expression was somber and my heart picked up its pace as I got closer. As I approached, he looked up at me and his effort to smile was appreciated but unnecessary.

"Hey, how'd it go?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Better than I expected."  
>"Good," I said, nodding, "that's really good."<p>

With a sigh, he turned to Betsy. "We're going to get going."

"Think about what I said, Edward," she said, giving him an awkward hug. "I'll see you soon, Bella."

I nodded and smiled at her, curious as to what she was talking to Edward about. When we got into the car, he released a sigh of exhaustion and turned the engine over. The questions were burning on my tongue but I didn't want to see him combust. He'd already had an overly emotional day and my prodding would only add to that.

"Hungry?" he asked.

I grinned. "I'm starved."

Ten minutes later we were parked in front of a small diner that reminded me of where I worked in Forks. We picked a booth by the window and sat down as a middle-aged waitress with blond hair and dark roots took our drink orders.

"What about Jasper?" I asked.

"I'll get him something to go," he mumbled.

"You're really sweet for taking care of him," I noted.

He shrugged. "Jasper's a good guy."

I fidgeted in my seat, tearing my straw wrapper apart with my fingers. I was anxious to hear his thoughts. Edward stared hard at the Coke that had been put in front of him.

"I used to come here all the time when I was a kid. They used to have amazing milkshakes." The smile on his face was sad and thoughtful. "At least I thought they did. Who knows? Any milkshake to a kid is delectable."

"What was your favorite kind?" I asked, grinning.

He licked his lips. "Strawberry."

"Mmm…mine too. I've learned how to make quite the milkshake at the diner I'm working at," I told him.

His expression hardened slightly. "Where are you going from here, Bella?"

I furrowed my brows. "What do you mean?"

"You aren't going to work at a diner the rest of your life. I mean, you want to write or work around literature, right?"

"I'm writing a little but for right now, I'm just trying to get my head on straight. The distraction of the diner is working for that." I paused, taking a sip of my water. "What about you? Where are you going from here?"

He leaned back, slumping against the vinyl of the booth. "I don't know. Betsy asked me to move down here with her for a while."

That was what she'd been talking about at Hospice when I'd come back from calling my dad. I was torn over whether it would be a good thing or not. Edward had family and it would be good for him to be around them, especially if he had made his peace with his dad. But I didn't want this to turn around into another martyr scenario for him. He needed to take care of himself for a change.

"Are you going to?"

He shrugged. "I told Jasper that he could come back to the city with me but if I don't go back…"

"Excuses, Edward," I challenged. "Think about yourself for a change. What do _you_ want to do?"

His eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at me, chewing on my question. "It would be difficult for me to find a job here."

"You dad owns his own business, right? I assume you guys…talked things over. I'm sure he'd make sure you got a job at his printing company." He looked down and started in on his own straw wrapper. "I'm not trying to convince you of anything, Edward. You need to do what's best for you and you alone, for a change. If staying here with your grandma is what's best, then so be it. Or if going back to Chicago will be the best thing, then go back. Just don't think about anyone else but yourself, can you promise me that?"

He swallowed heavily as his eyes hit hard against mine. "I can. I can promise you that."

I nodded once, sharply. "Okay then." I felt a little braver as I followed up with a question. "What did you and your dad talk about?" The straw wrapper that he gripped in his fingers was officially dead; torn to pieces. "You know, a really brilliant man told me once that you shouldn't let things fester inside; that it's like poison."

He narrowed an eye and smirked. "That's not fair; using my own advice against me."

I shrugged. "That's what you get for being so smart."

His grin fell and he looked pained.

"We can talk about it later if you want," I murmured, grabbing his hand and stilling the straw wrapper massacre for just a moment.

"Sure," he grumbled.

Our food came and we talked about simple topics as we ate: The weather, Rose and Emmett and some of my conversations with Leah. Edward seemed to like her just from what I'd told him about her; he told me that he was glad that I found her.

"You really do look incredible, Bella," Edward told me. "I'm not sure I'd recognize you if I passed you on the street."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't look that different."

His expression grew amused. "Yeah, ya do. You just don't see it."

Resting my elbows on the table, I tilted my head in thought. "What's so different about me?"

"I'm sure you know what's different about you."

"If I did, then I wouldn't ask."

He cleared his throat. "If you really want to know…"

Now he was starting to annoy me. "Yeah, I do."

"When I first met you, last year, you were a pretty girl. You had these big eyes, full of so much fear and your hair—"

"Hey, don't bring up the hair," I objected.

He chuckled. "But really, I took one look at you and I just got this overwhelming urge to just…protect you. You were so small and fragile and terrified of your own shadow. I remember watching you one day as I followed you to work."

"Stalker!"

Ignoring me, he continued, "Every little noise made you jump. Every time you'd see someone on the sidewalk, even on the opposite side of the street, you'd tuck into yourself as if you were just waiting for something to hurt you." He shook his head and closed his eyes. "You undid me back then."

"I was terrified," I explained.

"I know and all I wanted to do was make it better for you. Then…" He stopped himself and grazed his knuckles over the rough growth on his jaw.

"Then?"

"Then I started to get to know you and I saw what a good heart you had, how much of a fighter you were. You're a survivor, Bella. You always have been even if you didn't realize it."

I looked down at my lap, embarrassed at his compliment but knowing full well that he was right.

"Before, you were pretty and seemingly helpless and skittish; now, you're strong and independent and absolutely beautiful." I swallowed thickly, keeping the emotions I felt buried deep down inside until I could no longer breathe. Then I released a shaky sigh, my body itching to switch seats and bury myself under the crook of his arm. "You gained weight, your skin is glowing and your eyes, oh God, that's the best change of all. You look at everything like you're saying 'Bring it on!' with just a glimpse of those big brown eyes. You have fire in your gaze, Bella, and it's an absolutely breathtaking thing to see."

I looked up at him and met his own fiery gaze. "You're a survivor, too." He shot me an annoyed look before going back to his food. "I mean it. And I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for you, and Rose. But especially you."

He flung his napkin over his half-empty plate. "Are you about ready?"

I narrowed my eyes. "No, I'm not and you can't just sit there and throw out all this shit about me, then try and walk away when I want to do it to you. You need to hear this whether you want to or not."

With his hand, he made a "go on, then" gesture. "When I was ready to crawl into a corner and die, you taught me to fight. You taught me to believe in myself when all I saw when I looked in the mirror was some damaged little girl. If it weren't for you, there's a big possibility that I never would have made it back to Forks. All those over-protective tendencies you had for me took a little weight off my back, took away just enough of my fear so I was able to see just a little bit clearer. Do you think that I would have been brave enough to go to that club that night if you weren't with me? Do you think that I could have let anyone but you touch me?" He was quiet and watching me intently as I continued my rant. "If I hadn't met you, I don't think I ever would have trusted another man again. You showed me that I could be touched, and like it; you taught me that there was such a thing as comfort in a man's arms. Do you know how amazing that is?"

"Ready for your check, Sweetie?" The waitress had impeccable timing.

Her voice broke Edward out of his trance and he shook himself. "Uh, yeah, sure, thanks."

The ride home was silent, save an order Edward put in at a fast food restaurant for Jasper. When we got back to the motel, Edward told me that he was going for a walk and I didn't bother to ask him if he wanted company. He needed some time by himself and I couldn't blame him. Jasper was all smiles when presented with his double cheeseburger and french fries.

"Bella, you wanna hang with me and watch the tube? There's a _Real World_ marathon on."

As I watched Edward's slumped form walk away with his hands stuffed in his pockets, the last thing I wanted to do was watch a bunch of spoiled kids fight over who didn't put a new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. But one glance at Jasper's hopeful face made me change my mind. The guy had been here all day by himself and was probably itching for company.

Two hours into marathon, I was getting a little fed up over how one of the idiots in the house, Tanya, was treating some of the other girls. She actually peed on one of their toothbrushes because they'd called her promiscuous. I cringed as I watched the poor victim dig deep into their molars with the tainted brush.

"That's so wrong, dude!" Jasper shouted at the TV and then unsuccessfully tried to squelch a belch.

"It's horrible that they let this show go on," I told him. "These people are disgusting."

"It's entertaining," he pointed out.

I shrugged because he was right about that. "Edward told me that you're thinking of going back to Chicago with him."

His face lit up. "Yeah, that guy is so freaking awesome. He told me that I could stay with him as long as I needed to." His eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully. "I really need a job."

I swallowed, unsure if I was stepping over some boundary but I couldn't help myself. "What if Edward decides to stay here instead of going back?"

After a few minutes of chewing on my question, he shrugged and said, "I'd manage."

"How?"

"I always do, Sugar," he said with a huge grin.

With a sigh, I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and chewed. There was something about Jasper that screamed to me. He never asked for help, he didn't worry about how he was going to get by, but I wanted to help him.

"I'm going to go to bed," I mumbled, rising from the chair of his room. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jasper."

He popped up. "You're not going to find out what happens to Tanya? The dirty little pee incident goes public in the next episode."

I shook my head. "Just tell me what happens."

He grinned and nodded. "Night, Bella."

"Night."

As I walked out on the balcony, I noticed my rental was missing. After I momentarily panicked, I recalled Edward never giving me the keys back. Where had he gone? It worried me and I considered calling him on his cell but decided against it. He needed time to sort through all his thoughts from the day. We were set to leave tomorrow unless he decided to stay here instead—the thought made my chest hurt. It would be a long, lonely drive back to Chicago.

Or maybe not…

When I got settled in my room, I pulled out my phone again and called my dad. I didn't beat around the bush. I rambled out my question and waited for his reply with bated breath. This would be big for him and I'd understand if he said no but I had to try. After a few dozen questions and some difficult honest answers, he reluctantly agreed. I smiled graciously even though he couldn't see it and told him I'd see him in a few days. With a slightly annoyed sigh, he said his goodbyes and I grinned wildly at my phone as I snapped the picture to send him.

After I showered, got ready for bed and brushed my teeth, I grew bored. Sure, I was tired but there was still no sound coming from the room next door. Where the hell was Edward? I pulled up my hair and looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I sucked in my cheeks and made a supermodel face. I took my hair down. I turned on the TV and flipped through channels without even looking. I turned the TV off and lied back on my bed. There were only so many times I could count the number of petals on the flowers in each of the generic pictures hanging on the walls, so I walked back to the mirror in the bathroom. Edward had said that I'd gained weight but he said it was a good thing. With a tilted head I stood back and checked my figure out from the knees up. My hands ran over my fuller hips and the deeper curve in my waist. I turned sideways and lifted up my shirt, and tried to pinch fat on my stomach. It was a good thing, I decided because I felt more like myself, more like the Bella Swan who had muscles in her thighs and curves to her body; Charlie Swan's daughter.

Before I dropped my shirt, I caught a glimpse of the tip of the scar that covered my back; the scar that I tried to forget but couldn't quite push it out of my mind enough to make it a distant memory. Hesitating, I turned around so that I could see the full scale of it in the mirror. _MINE_, it read in a shade of pink torn skin. It never ceased to take my breath away; almost as if it were fake or brand new every time I saw it. I wondered if I could get a tattoo to cover it up and what I would get. It would have to be big like an elephant or a…

The sound of Edward's door opening broke me away from my thoughts. I dropped my shirt and sat down on my bed, watching the door. It was unlocked on my side so he could have just come in. I waited for a knock, his voice, anything to summon me to his room so that he could get it all out. He needed to get it all out. The floor creaked and I heard his TV come on. I frowned. I flipped mine on too just in case he did come in because he'd catch me staring at the door like a little lost puppy.

_The Real World_. Great. And to make matters worse, it was a rerun—the toothbrush hadn't even been peed on yet.

Edward's shower came on and I relaxed, not realizing until then just how tense I was. Ten minutes and a peed-on toothbrush later, the shower stopped and my body tensed again at the anticipation of a knock. Five minutes later, I was still waiting.

I put my ear up to his door. He was watching CNN. I cringed. Who wants to watch CNN? As I paced, I chewed on my nails until I had nothing left to chew on. I grew desperate for fingernail polish.

"Fuck it," I grumbled, pulling open my door.

My knock was soft and it took him a minute to reply. "Come in."

I filled my lungs with stale motel air and opened the door. When I walked in, Edward was sitting on his bed, shirtless and staring hard at the floor. The black ink on his chest glared at me, speaking in its own language of pain and memories. The tribal tattoo on his arm seemed bigger, more intense than it ever had before. His eyes were puffy and red and he was barefoot. And he'd gotten a haircut.

"Oh my," I whispered, "your hair is gone."

He ran a hand over his buzz cut and smirked up at me. "I thought I'd try a little Bella Swan therapy, you know, with the scissors and all."

I raised my eyebrows. "Did it work?"

"Probably as well as it did for you."

"I like it," I told him, sitting down next to him. "You look kind of badass."

He cut his eyes to me. "I didn't look badass before?"

I grinned at him and ran a hand down his back. Drops of water from his shower clung to his skin and my palm dampened as I passed over them. "Talk to me, Edward."

His swallow was audible. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Okay, where did you go tonight?"

"Just for a walk," he replied.

I quirked an eyebrow and said, "In the car?"

"Oh," he said, glancing at me, "you noticed the car was missing."

"Yeah, I did. What happened?"

He stood up and moved slowly around as if it was the first time he'd seen the room. "When I talked to my father today, he…he told me things about after the accident, things that I wasn't here for. Did you know that I didn't go to Alice's funeral?" I shook my head slowly. "They didn't waste time pressing charges on me but I wasn't in jail. They didn't arrest me until after she was buried but I felt too damn guilty to go, afraid that I'd get dirty looks from my family. I was too much of a coward to face it. My dad told me about her service as if it had happened yesterday—from the flowers to the color of dress she wore."

"Why would he do that?" I asked.

He looked at me oddly as if he didn't understand the question. "Because I asked him to."

"Oh."

"So, tonight I felt like I owed something to her; something that I hadn't been able to tell her at her funeral."

"You went to visit her grave?"

He nodded. "I needed to…" With his eyes clamped closed, he took several deep breaths before continuing. "I needed to tell her how sorry I was. I needed for her to know that I'm living every moment of my life trying to make up for what she lost even though it's not enough. It'll never be enough."

"What was Alice like?" I asked.

For a moment, he looked perplexed. "Well, she was…she was full of life and strong and beautiful and…" He picked some folded clothes off the floor and stuffed them in his duffel bag. "Alice always had a way of cheering you up even when you thought that the world was crashing down around you." He chuckled to himself and got lost in a memory, pausing in his packing duties. "When I was in high school, a pitch hit my throwing hand and it broke two of my fingers. I thought my baseball career was done for. But there was Alice with her words of wisdom—which were pretty good for a fourteen year old—and a tub of my favorite ice cream. We watched funny movies until my pain medication put me out for the night. I woke up the next day and just stopped feeling sorry for myself. It was so odd, the way she'd make people around her feel."

I smiled. "It sounds like she was a lovely person." His face grew grim as he started pushing stuff into his bag again. "What do you think she'd be like now?"

"Probably the same," he mumbled.

Here came the big question. "What do you think she'd say to you if she could reply to your apology tonight?"

He paused for a moment but then continued his hunt for things around his room to stuff into the bag. "How am I supposed to know that?"

"You knew her, Edward. What do you think she'd say if she saw how guilty you feel? Don't you think she'd feel guilty right back at ya?"

His eyes were furious when he turned to me. "I don't know that, Bella, because she's dead and I'm never going to know."

I caught the glimpse of a tear running down his cheek but I kept pressing, even if it cost me our friendship or a possible future with him. I loved him too much to let him go through life without facing this.

"You know what I think?" I stood up and crossed my arms over my chest in an effort to look persuasive. "I think you're too caught up in your selfish guilt to even think about how Alice would want you to live your life. You say that you're living your life for her? What kind of life is this, Edward? You reek of misery! You aren't happy unless you're wretchedly depressed or trying to make someone else's life better!"

He came at me with his hands folded into fists and his teeth gritted together. As much as my instincts told me to cower, I remained upright and facing him. His feet didn't stop until they were planted right in front of me, his eyes bearing down into mine and that passion blazing from his green irises.

"How am I supposed to be happy if Alice can't be? How can I go about my life with a smile on my face when she's in the ground because I put her there?"

"Did your dad forgive you?" I asked, swiping my own tear from my cheek. "Did he tell you that he was wrong for blaming you?"

His chest heaved with breath as he looked down at me. I was counting on an affirmative answer to my question and for a moment, I thought that his father had let me down. But then his gaze dropped and I knew I had him.

"Yes," he whispered.

"Then forgive yourself," I begged.

He plopped down on the bed; all the fight seemed to seep out of him in that one motion. "I can't."

I sat down beside him and turned my body toward his. "Let me help you, Edward."

His hand came up to my cheek, so tenderly and gentle that I leaned into the pressure of his touch. "I want you to."

I wasn't sure how it would help but I leaned in and kissed him. The comfort that his touch provided for me was astounding so I hoped that mine would be as effectual for him. My lips slowly brushed against his and my body moved closer to him, the magnetism between us was wild with need. He deepened the kiss as his fingers moved under the hem of my shirt, and over my bare skin. My senses sharpened and every breath, every touch, every heartbeat seemed exaggerated in my brain.

"Make me feel good, Edward," I whispered against his lips.

He groaned and pulled my shirt off, leaving me bare from the waist up. I didn't feel vulnerable or scared or flighty. I felt like I couldn't get enough; like my world would be turned upside down if this man, this beautiful man, didn't get closer. I ran my hand over the soft hair on his scalp and dug my fingernails into his neck, yanking him toward me.

"Bella…" His lips brushed my ear as he kissed down my neck. I shivered at the feel of his sweet breath entering into my pores and flooding me with new life. "I can't…"

"Shhh…Edward, don't think…just let it go, baby." It was his turn to shiver as my fingernails trailed up the scar on his side, the bulk of his shoulder, the soft skin under his ear. "I want you, Edward."

And I did. The desire and need clawed through me, making my toes curl and my center ache. To think of him on top of me, inside of me… I grinned against his skin at the image my mind was working up and I felt myself grow wet. For the first time, it seemed, I craved sex but not with just anyone. Only with Edward.

I stood in front of him, offering myself to him and he kissed my neck, my breast, my tummy as his hands gripped my hips. I leaned by head back, enjoying the feel of his soft warm lips on my sensitive skin and the heat that pulsed through my body. He rested his head on my stomach, his eyes cast to the floor, and inhaled deeply.

Something was wrong. He'd stopped. _Nooo…nooo…noo…_

His fingers dipped deeply into the flesh on my hips and I itched to pull them away. The memories of other hands bruising my flesh weren't fresh in my mind but they were still there—threatening to break free. I put my hands on top his, hesitantly preparing to pull them away when I felt it: The warm, wet tears running down the skin of my stomach. His shoulders shook with silent sobs. My heart shattered at the sight of my strong savior, crippled with sadness and culpability.

"Edward…" I whispered, running my palm over his head.

He tugged me toward him, wrapping his arms around my torso and buried his face in my torso. The sound of his voice was muffled when he spoke, "This used to be so easy, living like this. For years, I had a routine and...and things that I did to make living with myself just a little bit easier. I had Alice on my mind in every situation, every decision I made in my life because…because I wanted to live for her." I rubbed circles on his back with my hand as I fought the surge of emotion building up in me. "Then you came along and I started to think more about you than I did her. It ripped me apart inside."

"Is that why you wanted me to go back to Forks?" I asked softly.

"That was part of it. Also, I couldn't fathom you being able to heal around…around someone like me. I told you the truth that day: You deserved better."

"But now?"

He hesitated, the feel of his tears and warm breath on my skin giving me goose bumps. "Now, you're every good feeling, every good thought, and every possible hope that runs through my mind every day." He tilted his head back and looked up at me with tortured eyes. "You're like a lighthouse for me in the middle of a really big fucking storm. When I'm around you, even before you went back home, I feel like there's so much more to life than…this. You make me feel like the good guy when I've been the bad guy for so long."

The pain written all over his face was too much for me. I pushed him back and climbed on his lap, straddling his hips. His arms overlapped on my back and my bare breasts pushed against his chest. With both of my hands cupping his face, I said, "You do the same thing for me."

He shook his head. "I don't understand how I could possibly…"

"Forgive yourself, Edward," I whispered.

"I don't think I can," he said. "Not yet."

"Can you do something for me then?"

His eyes shifted around my face, looking at me as if he were seeing me for the first time. "Anything, Bella. I'll do anything for you."

"If you can't forgive yourself, can you at least allow yourself to be happy? Stop torturing yourself?"

One of his hands left my back and he ran it through my hair and over my tear-soaked cheek. "I'll try but it's not going to be easy."

"I'll help you," I told him.

The corners of his mouth twitched and he let out a deep breath. "I must have done something right for you to be sitting here, on my lap like this, and not giving up on me. You are a gorgeous creature, Bella Swan."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him fiercely. It was possible that he couldn't breathe but I wasn't going to let him go. I'd never felt so bonded to someone in my life like I felt with Edward. I wanted to make him laugh and be there when he cried. I wanted to hold his hand on walks through the park and make him dinner that would fill his empty belly. I wanted to kiss him and clutch onto him and make love to him until there was no obvious visual of where our naked bodies were entwined. _I wanted…I wanted…_

I'd hoped Leah was wrong when she told me that what I wanted and needed were most times, two separate things because I couldn't let Edward go. Not again.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So, Bella's boobies are all smooshed against Edward's bare chest. *SIGH* What's a girl to do? What did you think of Jasper's story? What about the big reunion? I know Edward is going to get a lot of hate for thinking about moving to Peoria with his Grandma but he needs closure. J/S. If you're upset about it, think about the whole Bella's-boobies-smooshing-on-Edward's-chest bit. See? That's better.**_

_**I watch Real World sometimes. So sue me. It's not like I enjoy it. *scoffs* I mean, sometimes I turn the TV on and then for some reason, the remote won't work (batteries or whatever) and The Real World is on and what choice do I have? I'm not going to actually get up and change the channel or anything. I mean, I might as well just watch it. Sometimes, my legs suddenly stop functioning so I'm forced to watch a whole fucking marathon to get caught up. Life is hard sometimes. ;)**_

_**And if you're wondering, we are on day six of being pacifier-less. He's doing so much better than I thought he would, although he's still having trouble sleeping. Thank you all SO kindly for the advice, encouragement, and been-there-done-that's. It's so nice to feel like I'm not alone! :) **_

_**See ya next Tuesday, folks!**_


	26. Chapter 25 Forget me not

_**A/N: You guys wow me every chapter with all your love. Your support astounds me. This one will be a quickie but a goodie. ;)**_

_**This chapter is dedicated to Twilightnaley19 who has been so patient (I use that word loosely) in regards to the "juicy stuff" since chapter 2! How do you like me now, girl? :-D**_

_**Thanks to Softragoo who is so much more than a prereader; she's my dear friend who has a collection of RPatz pics and doesn't hesitate to send a few my way when I need to smile. I love you, girl.**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight**_

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><p><strong>Twenty five<strong>

I held him for what seemed like hours; until my hips started aching from the position. Then I slowly released him and subconsciously ran my hands over his head, my fingers aching to tug at those long gone strands. My bare breasts clung to his moistened skin, telling me in their own way where they really wanted to be: Pressed up against his naked chest. He closed his eyes and sighed as the palms of his hands rubbed comforting circles on my back. The tension had dissipated but there was still a cackling of energy between us; things left unsaid.

"It's getting late," he whispered. "We should get some sleep if we're going to leave in the morning."

I kissed him on the forehead. My body ached but the feel of him so close was exhilarating. I couldn't stop touching. My lips wanted to taste every inch of him, my hands wanted to explore all the places that I'd failed to touch when we'd been intimate before. Being in his arms seemed so much more meaningful now than it ever had been and I didn't want to move.

"You're going back to Chicago?" I asked, my voice rough with emotion. It was overwhelming, what I felt for this man who was holding me. The strength of his embrace was enough to ignore the pain that was forming in the muscles of my thighs.

"I'm going back for now. I can't just leave my job without giving two weeks notice. It's all I really have for my resume and I can't burn that bridge. There's a possibility that the state could transfer me somewhere close to here so that I could keep my job, at least." I let my fingertips roam down his chest, over the wolf. "What do you think I should do?"

I licked my lips for moisture and his eyes were drawn to the movement, the expression on his face darkened slightly. "I think it would be good for you if you got to know your grandma better but you shouldn't feel obligated just because she asked. Do you think there's a chance to, I don't know, get to know your dad before he passes away?"

He shook his head. "I really don't know. Betsy says that the doctors don't really know how much time he has but he could go while I'm still in Chicago, settling things there, even if it is just a couple of weeks."

"You should talk to your boss and tell them the situation. There are laws that protect you when it comes to family leave and stuff like that." He nodded as one of his hands roamed from my back to my hip. "I'm here for you, Edward, no matter what you decide. You'll stay in contact, right?"

His eyes shifted around my face and then traveled down over my naked chest. I itched to cover myself up with my hands, embarrassed that he'd suddenly noticed my nudity but I wanted him to know how much I trusted him.

"You should get a shirt on before you get chilled. The air conditioner is cranked in here." I opened my mouth to argue that he didn't answer my question but he stopped me with a soft kiss. "We'll continue this conversation after you're warm."

But I was warm. I was so warm. His skin reverberated heat against every inch of skin that he touched. "I'm warm enough."

I slid off his lap and pulled him under the covers with me. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to his side. We laid there for several minutes, enjoying the feel of our body heat melding us into one.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he finally said. "I'm sorry that I told you to leave. I never should have told you that I didn't want you because it was a lie."

My leg entwined with his and I squeezed myself closer to him. I wanted more; more touching, more contact, more Edward.

"I know," I whispered. "I knew then that you were just trying to protect me."

"I felt like shit every time you would call and I wouldn't answer. At the time, I thought it was better that way. You needed to be close to your dad and I thought that if you stayed, I'd only set you back. I'm sorry."

I leaned up and kissed his cheek. "You're forgiven."

A pregnant pause filled the room as I tried to form the offer in my head. "You are welcome to come to Forks with me, you know that right?"

He swallowed against my forehead. "Your dad would be thrilled."

"My dad would love you once he got to know you," I told him.

The chuckle that he released was laced with doubt. "Oh, yeah, I'm an ex-con and I barely have a cent to my name. I'm the perfect guy to bring home to your father."

I sat up on my elbow and looked down at him. "You are the perfect guy and one day I will bring you home to my father." I loved him and I wanted to tell him that but the words got tangled with my tongue. "Besides, my dad is being very supportive. He's the one that drove me to the airport and he knew that you were the reason I was coming back."

"How supportive would he be if he knew where you were right now?"

I furrowed my brow. "He knows where I am; I just called him a couple hours ago."

He grinned cheekily. "I was talking about your exact location in this instance, beside me in bed…"—Slowly, he ran a thumb over one of my exposed nipples and his expression sobered—"Topless and beautiful."

An effort to hold back a moan at the feel of him touching me proved fruitless. I closed my eyes as his hand cupped me and the rough skin of his fingers moved gently over my chest. "God, Edward…I didn't know it could feel like this."

He paused but only for a moment before pushing me onto my back and turning onto his side so that he hovered over me, looking powerful and dominant. Not only did I have no fear but the sight of him made me ache, made me sweat, made me want.

"Can I ask you something?" He leaned down and kissed the soft skin below my ear.

I moaned and shivered as his hand continued making gentle passes over my breasts. "Anything."

"Will you promise to answer honestly?"

His hand swept lower, over my stomach and under the sheet; his movements slow and deliberate. God, the ache was deliciously painful. I wrapped my hand around his neck and gripped his flesh.

"Yes," I hissed, unsure if my response was for his question or the way his hand moved dangerously close to the elastic of my panties.

"That night, when we made love, how did you…what did you feel?" His teeth latched onto my earlobe and I inched my body closer to him.

My eyes opened when his words registered in my foggy brain. "I…can't…"

The rough skin of his hand moved lower, passing over my hip and down my thigh. I spread my legs, requesting and offering at the same time. I wanted to burn my pants or tear them to shreds because they were the only thing keeping his fingers from brushing against the bare skin of my leg.

"Please, Bella…the truth, please."

"You'll be mad," I whispered, closing my eyes at the sensation of his tongue dipping out and tasting the skin of my neck.

"I need to know, baby."

I groaned out of frustration and annoyance but my body squirmed out of desire.

"I was…I wanted to make you happy," I sighed.

There was a slight stiffness to the muscles in his back but his hand kept traveling up my thigh, inches away from my center, and then back down to my knee. It was sweet, sweet agony.

His lips moved down, kissing my collar bone and I cursed the razor he's used that morning to shave that tantalizing scruff off his chin. Groping for his touch, I threw my knee over his leg, opening myself up to him. Even though I still had on my thin pajama pants, it was still a brave move, especially for me—someone who'd sworn off sex less than a year ago. Nothing about this situation was deplorable; in fact it was the opposite. His powerful form hovering over me, his strong hands moving on my body, and his obvious arousal that was pressed against my hip were all things that I never imagined I'd find pleasure in. As in control of me as he was, I felt powerful. My inner strength was palpable even as I sighed out a moan and dug my fingernails into the skin of his neck in a silent plea to go further, go deeper, just go…

"And now?" Edward's voice was husky and deep, sending a shiver down my entire body. "How do you feel now?"

I gasped as his hand passed over my sex. "I feel like I'm on fire," I hissed. "I feel like I'm going to combust if you don't touch me."

"I am touching you." I could hear the smile in his voice but I wasn't amused. "Where should I touch you, Bella?"

Internally, I cringed because as desperate and needy as I was, I wasn't about to start spouting off sex parts. Instead, I reached down and took hold of his hand, leading me to where I wanted him. When he made contact, I sucked in a breath and I felt him smile against the swell of my breast.

"Is this what you want, baby?" he asked, moving his fingers over my sensitive nub.

I bucked my hips slightly in response and moaned. The movement gave friction to the hardness that was pressed up against me and he released a grunt. Feeling selfish, I took my hand from his neck and slid it between us, searching for him. He chuckled darkly and pressed closer to me, blocking my exploration.

"Oh, no you don't," he whispered in my ear. "You need to know how good I can make you feel."

Those words were like fire. The heat raced through my body, carried by the erratic pulse of my heart. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel. His fingers were playing me like a musical instrument and the chorus was erupting from my mouth. If I let myself think, I'd grow embarrassed and flustered. If I opened my eyes, I'd see Edward and the questions would flood through my mind—questions about the past and our future. So, I didn't think; I just felt.

And begged.

"Please…" I whispered, moving my hips into his palm. His lips left my collarbone long enough to question my plea. "Please, I need to feel you, Edward."

The strangled breath he released could be translated into frustration or anticipation but I didn't read into it. I didn't feel like translating Edward's sighs. I just wanted to feel more and more and more…

"Sweet, sweet Bella, you have no idea how much I've thought about this," he whispered against my skin. The movement of his hand came to a screeching halt and I whimpered. Then I was rejuvenated when the tips of his fingers slid past the waistband of my pants, under the elastic of my panties, through the soft curls above my sex. I moaned and twitched; the muscles of my thighs tightened as his fingers reached their destination. "Oh, God, Bella, you're so soft and warm. I didn't do it right the first time, did I?"

I grunted and groaned in response, unable to think about anything except for how my body was reacting to him. My sexuality had never ruled my thoughts or made decisions for me, even as a growing teenage girl. I'd never fantasized about anyone. There were never nights when I'd lay frustrated in my bed at night as a hormonal young girl, and wondered what it would feel like to have rough, strong hands touching me. But now, as his long fingers moved in circles on my sensitive flesh, I couldn't imagine thinking of anything else for the rest of my life. My body seemed to be fighting something as the muscles in my stomach tightened and released with each heavy breath that left my lips. The burning was controlling me, making me cry out and making me yearn for more. I wanted to be naked with him. I wanted to be on top of him. I wanted him inside of me.

His lips caressed the swell of my breast, his tongue tasting me and teasing the sensitive nerves around my nipple. "I want to make you shiver. I want to make you scream. I want to taste you." His voice was like a magical ointment on the old invisible wounds that lay just beneath my skin. The wounds that had been created by hate were being mended with his touch, his lips and his words. "Will you let me do that for you, Bella?"

"Please," was my response; breathy and pleading.

As his finger entered me, I moaned and my back arched with greed. It wasn't enough and I ached for more.

"You feel so good…so, so good." His finger curled and he slowly added a second one. I dug my heel into the back of his thigh and opened my legs wider for him, inviting him in and giving him whatever he wanted to take. The tip of his tongue moved teasingly across my nipple and the ache seemed to triple. My whole body shuddered and I arched my back, his mouth enveloping my nipple.

As I came down from my orgasm, he slid his fingers out of me and rubbed along my thigh. Gently, he grazed his teeth against my nipple and he moaned, seeming to enjoy what he was doing as much as I had enjoyed it. Again, I tried to maneuver my hand toward his erection but he blocked my attempt.

He made a disapproving grunt against my breast and I whimpered.

"Let me touch you," I said with rich sex in my voice.

"Not tonight," he said against my goose-pimpled flesh.

"But—"

With a sigh, he looked up at me with dark eyes. "I need to do this for you."

I shook my head. "Why?"

Licking his lips, he raised his head and kissed me gently. "Because I fucked up the first time and I'm not going to do that again. This is what you deserve, not what happened in my apartment months ago. I was an idiot and I need to show you—"

"You've shown me and I'm sure you'll show me again. Probably sooner rather than later, I imagine." The corners of his mouth twitched. "Please, don't deny me this because you weren't Don Juan the first time you had sex."

He narrowed an eye playfully. "So, I wasn't Don Juan…"

I slapped him on the arm, unwrapping my leg from around his hip. With my hand on his chest, I pushed him gently onto his back and propped myself up with my elbow. I wanted to look at him like he'd looked at me; explore all parts of him with my fingertips.

"Where'd you get this scar?" I asked him, running my finger up the long scar on his side.

"Pekin."

"What happened?" I asked.

He cleared his throat. "Fight."

I rolled my eyes. "I figured that, smartass. Why were you in a fight?"

"It was prison, Bella," he said with a raised eyebrow. "Fights in prison don't necessarily have to be meaningful. Sometimes, shit just starts because turf gets stepped on or just plain boredom."

Frowning, I glided my finger over to the scar on his shoulder—the one that made my insides tighten. It was pink and formed in circle; its twin rested just below his shoulder blade. Entry wound and exit wound. "Was your recovery horrible?"

The fingers of his hand glided easily through my hair as he shook his head at me. "No, it wasn't too bad and don't think like that—it wasn't your fault."

I leaned down and kissed the scar, letting my tongue taste his salty skin. All the while I was well aware of my nipples barely brushing the skin of his ribcage.

Next, I moved over the wolf—over its thick black neck, pointed snout and pinned back ears. It was such a part of him and I hoped that one day he'd see it reflecting back at him in a mirror and be able to smile. I wanted him to remember the good times he'd had with his sister and not the way she was taken out of this world.

"The day after I got released," he whispered. "I got it the day after I got released. Even before I had an apartment, I got half of this. Then I came back two weeks later and got the rest."

"It's beautiful," I said.

He shrugged.

My fingers moved down his shoulder to the tattoo that circled his bicep. It resembled a tribal tattoo; I looked up at him questioningly.

"That one, I got in high school—my senior year. Jasper told me that if I had the balls to get a tattoo that he'd pay for it." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Tribal tattoos were the thing at the time."

I smiled. "It's sexy."

Opening his eyes, he smirked at me and ran his finger down my cheek. "It's meaningless."

"No, it's not when there's a memory attached to it." My fingers moved lightly over his stomach, grazing through the trail of hair that let down into his boxers. "Were you and Jasper close in high school?"

"We were," he replied. "I didn't like it that Alice was dating him but he was good to her."

"You would have preferred she joined a convent," I laughed.

His smile didn't reach his eyes but at least he didn't look like I was trying to pry his fingernails off with a pair of pliers.

"I was thinking about getting a tattoo," I announced, wanting to change the subject since I really did want to touch him and talking about his sister wasn't going to get me far.

His expression lightened. "Where at?"

"On my back; do you think they could cover up my scars?"

"It would have to be a big tattoo and you'd have to go to someone who knew what they were doing but yeah, they could do it." He ran his hand through my hair and down my shoulder. "It would hurt like a bitch."

I giggled at his bluntness. "I figured that much."

"What would you get?"

"I don't know, something beautiful."

The smile that spread across his face was brilliant. "I could sit for a portrait if you want."

My fingers prodded his ribs and he flinched. "Ticklish, are we?"

He grabbed my hands to still them before he could let out any girlish giggles. "No, you just took me by surprise."

I narrowed my eyes. "You're ticklish."

"I am not."

"Let go of my hands, then."

He hesitated but released them, his muscles tensing as I ran a hand over his stomach.

"Don't try and find my sensitive spots…" He sucked in a breath as my fingers ghosted over his ribcage again. "Payback is a bitch."

My breast pressed into him as I leaned over him and kissed him while my fingertips brushed under the hem of his boxers. His body shivered and I smiled against his lips.

"You don't have to," he murmured.

"That's the beauty of it, Edward," I replied as my hand disappeared under the fabric.

He groaned as I wrapped my fingers around him; the weight of him pressed down into my palm. It was so significant—the fact that I wasn't repulsed by his cock in my hand. I refused to let memories destroy this moment. As I looked down at Edward, his chest heaving with breath and his eyes closed, I realized that he was my mine. His pleasure was at my mercy while he fisted his hands in the sheets beside his hips. I stroked him slowly, using his facial expressions and groans to gauge how fast to go.

"Faster, Bella…"

Before I could stop myself, I rose and kneeled beside him on the bed. Using my free hand, I gently pulled his boxers down so that I could see all of him. My eyes roamed over his body as the muscles in his abdomen tensed and his chest rose and fell rapidly with his deep, rapid breaths. His face contorted as I pumped him faster.

It was a beautiful thing.

I climbed over him and straddled his thigh; the friction on my center was delicious. With a groan and a hushed whisper of my name, he came on my hand and I smiled down at him. His eyes opened slowly, burdened with exhaustion and the after-effects of his orgasm, and he offered me a slight grin.

"You look awful proud of yourself," he remarked.

My smile grew as I readjusted his boxers and cleaned my hand off with my discarded shirt. I crawled up him, kissing his stomach and not caring as my lips traveled over the salty release that my hand had brought about. My lips moved up his chest, brushed the skin of his neck and I kissed him hard on the mouth. When I released, he cringed and lifted me with a hand on each of my hips so that I was sitting on his stomach instead of his cock.

"I'm sensitive…sorry." He nodded downward.

"Thank you," I told him, kissing him again. "Thank you."

"You're always thanking me," he said, his words muffled against my mouth. "You just gave me the best hand job of my life and you're thanking me." He shook his head. "You're incredible."

I giggled. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he said, kissing me again.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to but…"

His eyebrow rose. "Just ask me, Bella."

"Have you, um, been with anyone since…"

He brushed my hair out of my face and tenderly stroked my cheek with his thumb. "Only you, Bella; it's always been only you."

Throughout the night, we talked about everything. He told me everything his father had told him when he was with him that day: The apologies, the forgiveness, the tears. It was heartbreaking but relief flooded through me with each word that he said. He even talked about Alice's grave, the pink marble in the shape of a heart and the white roses that he took her. The words came easy to him and I wondered where they came from when just hours ago they had gotten caught in his throat and were accompanied by tears.

"Does your dad know where your mom is? Does she still live in town?"

He shook his head. "After they got divorced, she moved somewhere down south. From what he told me, she was a mess—drinking and getting involved with the wrong people."

His expression grew hard as he talked about her. I knew he was blaming himself but we'd already discussed the blame game. I didn't want to go back there while we were wrapped around each other, tenderly stroking each other's skin.

"When do you go back to Forks?" he asked.

"I'm due to leave on Wednesday. It'll be good to see Esme again before I go back."

He smiled. "She'll be happy to see you."

My eyebrows rose. "Have you met her?"

"Once, when she was watching the kids for Emmett and Rose; I'm afraid I didn't make a very good impression."

"What happened?"

"I may have snapped at her and stormed out of their apartment." He made a face. "I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around lately."

"So I've heard."

With the same care that you'd give to a newborn, he brushed his fingers over my temple. "I didn't realize how much I cared for you until you were gone. Every time my phone would ring, every time I'd hear about you from Rose, I fell apart. Then you stopped calling and I thought…"

"You thought what?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's ridiculously selfish."

I smirked. "Now, I have to know!"

With a sigh, he gave in. "I thought that you'd forgotten about all of us and it pissed me off." I opened my mouth to respond but he cut me off. "I know that I was the one who told you to go. I was pissed that it made me feel so, I dunno, empty."

"You felt empty when I didn't call even though you never answered your phone?"

"Yes, okay, I'm a total douche," he said, rubbing his eyes.

"Where do we go from here? I mean, I'm going back to Forks and you're…where are you going?"

"I think….I think I'm going to come back here to spend time with Betsy and…"—he sighed and ran his hand over his short hair—"My dad."

"So…"

"I'll answer when you call," he promised.

"Every time?" I asked.

"Every fucking time."

**XxXxXx**

I wasn't even sure when I fell asleep and I wouldn't have been certain I had if the pounding on the door wasn't so jarring. My entire body jerked with the sound and I peeked up at Edward with one squinted eye. I was lying on top of him, my leg entwined with his and my bare breasts melded into his side. The smile on his face was spectacular as he ran his fingers through the net of hair on my head. I offered him a shy grin in return as the air around us grew thick with the new bond we'd created just hours before.

"Edward!" Jasper's voice made me groan as I let my head plop back down on his chest. "Check out is in twenty minutes!"

"Fuck," Edward muttered. "Maybe we should just stay another day."

I tried to pull away and roll over so that I could see his face but the arm he had wrapped around my waist kept me pinned against him. Biting my lip, I grinned against the soft skin of his pectoral.

"Did you want to go see your dad again? Or maybe Betsy?" I asked.

His hand rubbed up my bare back and then down, stopping only when his fingertips slid underneath the hem of my thin cotton pajama pants. The tips of his fingers brushed over my naked rear and I wiggled out of uncomfortable need.

"No, I want to stay in bed all day," he said huskily and then added, "with you."

I nibbled on his flesh before saying, "That sounds good but we can do that in Chicago tonight when we get home."

"You anxious to get back?" he asked.

I pulled away from him and this time he let me. "I want to see Esme, maybe Carlisle; spend a little more time with Rose and the kids." He pouted dramatically. I giggled. "And you, of course."

Jasper knocked again and Edward cursed softly as he got out of bed. I watched the muscles of his back flex like waves on a restless body of water. The wolf seemed angry and possessive as its black eyes stared out at me. Already he was out of my arms and my fingers dug into my palms at the loss of him.

Before he opened the door he glanced back at me and winked. "You better cover yourself or one of Jasper's dreams is going to come true."

Blushing, I pulled the sheet up to my neck as he opened the door a crack.

"Thanks, Jasper, we'll be ready in a few minutes," he mumbled.

Jasper stood on his tip toes to see over Edward's head and he spotted me.

"Are you and Bella…?" He trailed off with a frown on his face.

"Yeah, we always have been," Edward replied.

Jasper was quiet for a moment before he spoke, "Does she have a sister?"

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.

"Uh, no, she doesn't."

Jasper sighed and shrugged. "What's for breakfast?"

"I'll be out in ten minutes, okay? Stay out of trouble."

After Edward closed the door, he looked at me and shook his head. "He worries me."

I giggled and leaned over the side of the bed for my shirt. "Why?"

"I want to help him but if I move back down here…" He yanked on his jeans as his face pinched up in thought. "I'd ask Betsy if he could stay there but it's going to be hard enough for her to feed one extra mouth."

As I pulled on my shirt, I mustered up the courage to tell him about my conversation that I'd had with my dad over the phone the night before. "I was thinking about inviting Jasper back to Washington with me."

He froze with one arm stuffed into a white t-shirt and one out. His glare was not good.

"You don't even know him, Bella. Hell, I don't even really know him. You can't just invite him to live with you."

"I asked my dad about it on the phone last night and he agreed to meet him."

The stun was so great that apparently getting his other arm through the sleeve was too much for him. He sat on the edge of the bed, looking at me like I was insane when he was the one who was half-dressed and wild eyed.

"Jasper is unstable," he murmured.

"He needs help and I won't feel good just leaving him to fend for himself, Edward. Jasper is harmless."

He shook his head. "You don't know that."

I leaned up on my knees and grabbed Edward's arm, my body subconsciously pleading with him. "I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of looking at every man and expecting the worst out of them. This would help me just as much as it would help Jasper."

"I doubt that," he said, looking at the floor. "There's a difference between being brave and being stupid, Bella."

"I'm not that girl anymore, Edward. I'm not that scared little girl who showed up in Chicago who was afraid of her own shadow. You taught me how to take care of myself and you taught me to believe in myself. Have a little faith in me, okay?"

He looked at me, his gaze piercing into my soul, as he turned sideways on the bed. "I have more faith in you than you will ever know but the thought of you on the other side of the country, in trouble…"

"I'm going to be fine," I assured him.

The defeated sigh he released made me grin. "You have a lock on your bedroom door, right?"

"Of course and I have always used it, even before Oklahoma."

"You have to promise me that the first sign of any trouble from him, you'll kick him out."

My smile grew. "You know, Edward, I care about you and I respect our relationship but I wasn't asking for your permission on this. I want this to be okay with you but this is something that I really want to do. Jasper needs help and I can give it to him."

His eyebrows popped up at my declaration. "So, if I told you that I wasn't okay with this, you'd still do it?"

"Well, I'd have to hear you out and I'd have to make a pro's and con's list and then I've had to call—"

The feel of his lips crashing into mine cut me off. The kiss was short but passionate and we were both panting when he pulled away. I itched to crawl into his lap and continue the kiss but our twenty minutes has just turned into fifteen.

"So, you're okay with this?"

"I can't say that I'm okay with this but I have faith in you…" He gave me a pointed look. "And if you feel this strongly about it then I'm going to support you. Your dad is going to continue those shooting lessons, right?"

I slapped him playfully on the shoulder. "Completely different topic, smartass."

One of his eyebrows rose. "Not entirely."

We got dressed and packed up the car in record time. Edward went to the office to check out while Jasper and I got into the car. I pulled my sunglasses on over my burning, tired eyes and rested my head against the seat.

"Are we heading back to Chicago?" Jasper asked.

It was like traveling with a kid. "Yeah, but I think Edward wants to stop at The Hospice before we leave so he can see his dad again."

He made a noise. "I'll be staying in the car. His dad hates me."

My eyes squinted open. "Because of Alice?"

"He never really liked me in the first place because I was always getting Edward in trouble in high school. Then I started dating Alice and then the man couldn't stand me." I peeked in the rear view mirror and caught him grinning a little. "Alice tried to get me to come over all the time for dinner because she was certain that they would love me if they got to know me; just like she did."

"You didn't go?"

"Oh, I went but it turns out, I'm not a very likable guy if I'm dating your sweet, innocent little daughter."

I laughed. "I think it's that way for every guy, no matter who the girl is, Jasper. I'm sure it wasn't personal."

"Yeah, but then I dragged her to that party and she never came home."

Feeling a pang of sadness, I twisted in my seat to look at him. "Why did you take her to that party, Jasper?"

He shrugged. "Because she asked me to."

"That's it? Because she asked you to?"

His fingers pulled at his beard. "I would have done anything Alice asked me to back then. I thought I was going to go to college, come back home and marry that girl." He put down his window a little and sighed. "There will never be another girl like Alice."

As painful as it was, I pushed my sunglasses on top of my head. "You loved her, didn't you?"

Another shrug. "Like I said, I was young and stupid; I'm almost nine years older and I still don't know what love is."

"You're a good person, Jasper," I assured him.

He pressed his lips together. "You know what sounds good?"

"What?"

"Beef Jerky. Teriyaki beef jerky."

And that was the end of serious, no-nonsense Jasper.

Edward got in and he told me which directions to go and on what street. I obeyed and we ended up back at the little diner we'd eaten at the night before.

"Would you mind if I took your car? I wanted to go back to see my dad before we headed home."

"I can go with you," I offered.

He smiled. "Got a hankering to hear more Betsy stories?"

"Maybe I do," I replied.

"I'll only be an hour or so." He dug into his wallet to fish out some money. "You guys go in and eat breakfast and I'll be back to pick you up."

While I was slightly perturbed that Edward didn't want me going with him to see his dad, I wondered if he was afraid I would get too protective of him again. Having another screaming match with a dying man didn't seem to be a good start to the beginning of my day so I didn't argue with him.

I shoved the money away with a smile. "I'll buy; go on and see your dad."

He leaned over and kissed me on the mouth.

"Gross! Get a room!" Jasper grumbled out from the back.

Edward rolled his eyes as we all got out of the car. I handed him the keys as we met at the hood and he kissed me again, this time meaningful and tinged with passion.

"I'll see you in a bit," he said against my lips.

"Be careful."

"Can we sit at the counter?" Jasper asked, grinning.

I shrugged. "Sure, why not."

The waitress' eyes widened at Jasper's appearance but she rambled out the specials like a pro. He only ordered some toast and water and I gave him a look.

"I thought you said you were starving," I accused.

"I'm okay."

Mimicking Edward, I puffed my cheeks out with a sigh. "Jasper, you can get whatever you want. Just because I'm paying, doesn't mean that you have to eat toast."

He picked at his beard nervously and I tried to not think about what he was digging out of it. "I feel like a kid—having to be taken care of. It makes me feel…bad."

"I want to buy you breakfast," I told him.

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do. Please, Jasper, can I buy you breakfast?" I chewed on my lip to keep from laughing because the fact that I was actually begging him to allow me to buy him a meal was absurd.

With a smile, he said, "Okay."

"And get real food this time."

Oh, boy, did he get real food. Jasper got several eggs made in three different ways, a stack of pancakes, two orders of bacon and a Coke. He ate like Edward.

We ate breakfast before Edward got back so we went outside and sat down on a bench in front of the restaurant. I pulled out my phone and called my dad who was in the middle of his work day so he didn't have a ton of time to talk. As usual, I took the picture in front of the restaurant and I sent it to him. He returned a text that told me he loved me and I smiled. I had always known my dad loved me but it was just a given as I grew up. He never really told me. It hit me then how much good had come from the situation and it made my throat close with emotion.

James had been a sick bastard. He'd used me, beat me, held me hostage, and killed at least one person. I wouldn't wish my worst enemy (except for maybe _him_) to go through what I went through and if I'd known what I know now, I certainly wouldn't have put that ring on my finger or got on that bus.

But without that experience, I never would have met Rose. I never would have met Esme. I never would have met Edward. Imagining my life without them made me feel hollow and achy and angry.

While I would never be the same person I had been before I met James, I liked to see myself as not better, but different: Stronger but more emotional; less naïve but not hardened; different but the same. How could I come to terms with being someone I like when the result was because of those months I spent in Oklahoma?

Jasper's voice broke me from my thoughts. "You know something, Bella?"

"What's that?"

"You're a good person too."

Tears filled my eyes; such simple words with astound meaning.

"Thank you, Jasper."

A horn honked and we both turned, expecting to see Edward pulling up in his car but it was a pickup truck instead. A rough looking man pulled in and got out of his car and walked toward another car, supposedly the person he was honking at. They embraced, laughed and walked into the diner.

"Damn, look at that dog!"

I followed Jasper's gaze to the back of the pickup truck where I saw the most beautiful animal I'd ever laid eyes on. Its eyes glowed yellow and its ears moved frantically around, trying to pick up on any threats. The slow, graceful movements as it paced calmly in the bed of the truck were raw and animalistic. The thick silver fur on its back moved as it walked, like snow coming down a mountain in the middle of an avalanche—breathtaking but dangerous.

"That's not a dog," I whispered. "That's a wolf."

He made an excited noise. "That's fucking awesome! I want a pet wolf."

I blinked as an idea came to me. It would either make things worse or make things better but I was willing to take the chance. Edward could see it as a way to make his peace with Alice or it could conjure up memories that he wasn't ready to face. All I knew is that I wasn't sure we would get another opportunity to go there for a long time. Turning to Jasper, I took in his keyed-up expression and smiled. "Jasper, do you remember how far away that Wolf Habitat is in Indiana?"

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><p><strong><em>AN: So, how did you like the heavy petting? Too much? Too little? Well, "little" as in detail, not in body part size, I mean... I think it's always a given that Edward has a penis the size of a tree trunk, right? Don't get me started..._**

**_What do you think of Bella trying to help Jasper? Is she nuts or do you think it will benefit both of them? Do you think visiting the wolf habitat will send Edward over the edge or do you think it will be a healing experience for him? Tell me! _**

**_Okay, so I've been waiting for the right moment to do this and I can't hold back any longer. My dear friend and mentor, Softragoo, is posting a new story called "True Love Way". It's amazing. She might kill me for saying this but I'm prereading for her and I cry, laugh, and root for her Edward and Bella every damn chapter. If you like a fucking amazing plot, a slow burn and the sweetest damn Edward in the whole fucking world, go read it! She just posted chapter 11 but she posts religiously every Monday. If she gets enough love, maybe she'll post more than once a week. Who knows? Leave her some reviews and tell her that I sent you! She's listed under my 'favorite authors' (Of fucking course!) _**

**_Thanks again for all the amazing support! I appreciate it so very much. It never ceases to make me smile :) See y'all next Tuesday!_**


	27. Chapter 26 I and Love and You

_**A/N: Thanks for everyone's support. I am overwhelmed that I'm nearing 1,000 reviews. In my last story, I thought I was hot shit when I was nearing 500. LOL! **_

_**Thanks to my prereader, Softragoo, whom I never would have made it through this past week in one piece. You are such an amazing person :)**_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**_

_**I think it's a prerequisite for every Twific to have a chapter that fits perfectly to the song "Fix You" by Coldplay. Well, here's mine...**_

* * *

><p><strong>Twenty<strong>_** Six**_

Edward pulled up just as I was researching the wolf habitat on my phone and I'd gotten directions. Internally, I struggled with whether I should have told him or not but in the end, I decided against it. My only hope would be that he'd either fall asleep or put up a fight when he realized that we were going east, not north. Brookville, Indiana was five hours away which meant that we'd get there sometime around 5pm if we drove straight there which mean no time for arguing or convincing. The habitat closed at 7pm.

"You guys ready to go?" Edward asked, sticking his head out the driver's side window.

"Yeah," I said. "I feel like driving. Do you mind?"

He shrugged and got out as Jasper high-tailed it to the passenger's side seat.

"Shot gun!"

Edward sighed and got in the backseat, too exhausted to battle with Jasper.

"How'd everything go?" I asked after he'd gotten me on to the interstate.

"Good, I think. Betsy is thrilled that I'm coming back."

I looked at Jasper to gauge his reaction to the news that Edward wouldn't be staying in Chicago but he was too enthralled in his CD collection to catch it.

"Did you eat?" I asked.

"Yeah, I grabbed something from McDonalds on my way there."

I nodded. "You should get some sleep. I feel pretty good to go the whole way; I remember which way to go and everything."

He pressed his lips together and for a moment, I thought I'd been caught but then he nodded. "Okay. Wake me up if you need anything."

Jasper shook a CD at me and winked with both eyes. "Cher," he explained. "Tell me Bella, do _you_ believe in life after love?"

I suppressed the urge to wrestle the shiny disc out of his fingers and toss it out the window. Edward ran a hand over his burred hair cut in an annoyed fashion.

Cher took us to the fork in the interstate where I'd need to go north to get to Chicago and East to get to Indiana. I held my breath as I glided onto I-74, waiting for a curse from the back of the car. None came so I peeked over my shoulder to see Edward leaning his head on the seat and his eyes pinched shut.

I smiled at Jasper and I got the goofy wink again.

Three hours later, my bladder betrayed me. Honestly, I would have put my money on Jasper being the one to force us to stop but no, it was me. So, I pulled into a gas station and waddled inside. Jasper followed close behind and I shoved money at him, ordering him to get us all drinks.

When I was done in the bathroom, I peeked around the corner in fear that I'd see Edward standing there waiting to confront me about what the hell we were doing in Indiana. He wasn't there and I let a sigh of relief whoosh out of my lungs. Jasper was nowhere in sight so I thanked the clerk for the use of the facilities and walked out the door.

"When were you going to tell me about this?"

My nerves were already on edge so the sound of his voice made me yelp. "Jesus! You can't sneak up on people like that!"

He was leaning on the side of the building, looking smug. "I think you deserved that."

I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes. "I've always wanted to go to Indiana so I just thought, while I was in the area…"

His eyebrows popped up to his hairline. "You've always wanted to see Indiana?"

"Mmm-hmm, that's right."

"Why?"

I stuttered and made some hand gestures toward the horizon. "The scenery, obviously." He looked toward where my hand had pointed to and we both blinked at some Maple trees and an old run down barn. "Well, not _that_ scenery but you know, the farm country."

"The whole drive from Peoria to Chicago is practically farm country, Bella."

I put my hands on my hips. "Quit playing stupid, Edward, you know where we're going."

He stepped closer. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Well, because I thought you'd be mad." My voice was small and shaky due to his close proximity and I knew he could sense it. I glanced at his lips. _The things he could do with those lips…_

Before I knew it, he was close enough so that I could feel his breath on my forehead. "I'm not mad. Do I look mad?"

I shrugged. "You look a little…shaken."

He fought a grin. "Shaken? I look shaken?"

I trailed my finger down his torso, from his chest to his belly. "You're not mad?"

The feel of the stubble on my cheek as he leaned into me, whispering into my ear, "I'm not mad."

"Do you mind if we go?" He pulled my earlobe in to his mouth and nibbled. I moaned. "I mean, if you really don't want to…oh, wow…go, we can go back. But I really kind of…oh, my."

He chuckled against the skin of my neck as his hands wound around my waist. "I had plans for us tonight, Bella but…"—he sighed dramatically and dropped all contact, stepping back a few inches—"If you really want to go…"

I frowned. "You play dirty."

The grin on his face made his eyes go all crinkly in an adorable way but the wink was what made my knees wobble. "You have no idea."

After a few more kisses and gropes, we were on our way to Brookville, Indiana. Edward managed to bribe Jasper into the backseat with a Slim Jim and a bottle of Root beer. The drive was quiet and I felt Edward's eyes on me several times but I kept mine focused on the road. He'd surprised me with his reaction to finding out our destination but I could only guess what was going on in that head of his.

My rear was asleep and there was a cramp in my foot by the time we finally got to the wolf sanctuary. It was appropriately called Wolf Creek Habitat and Rescue. We parked and got out of the car, each of us eliciting groans from being cooped up in the car.

"You sure about this?" I asked Edward.

He narrowed his eyes playfully. "If I'm not, are we going to leave?"

I pressed my lips together before answer, "That depends upon how much of a fight you put up."

"Damn, this brings back memories," Jasper muttered from behind us.

The playfulness melted off Edward's face and he turned his face down to frown at his boots.

"Come on, they close at seven."

We stomped up to the door and into a tiny little shop.

"Hi! How ya'll doin'?" An older lady with blonde curls and thick glasses asked from behind the counter.

Edward sucked in a breath beside me.

"Hey! I remember you!" Jasper said with a grin.

The lady froze with a smile on her face, her eyes wide as she desperately tried to come up with a name to match Jasper's bearded face.

"Have you been here before?" she asked.

Jasper picked up a little wolf trinket and examined it, top and bottom. I held my breath, terrified that he'd drop it. "Yeah, I came here a few times in high school with my girlfriend."

Edward was stiff and his expression concerned me. It was the one he always got when he was holding shit in. I waited for him to bolt; to run out the door to avoid facing whatever it was that he feared about this place. Whether it was the memories or the guilt, it was obvious that he didn't want to face it.

The lady behind the counter let out a sigh of relief since not recollecting someone from years ago was excusable. "Well, what was your name?"

Jasper set the trinket down with a sharp clang and I grimaced.

"I'm Jasper!" He held out his arms as if he'd just performed some sort of elaborate magic act. "I used to bring my girlfriend Alice here to see Jericho."

Edward turned and started walking stiffly around the shop, his eyes roaming over merchandise that he really wasn't seeing. I chewed on my lip, worried that I'd made a mistake by bringing him out here. I wandered over to him as Jasper continued chatting with the woman, and I put my hand on his arm.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," I whispered. "We can go. I'm sorry."

"I'm fine, Bella."

I sighed because he wasn't and I could tell. I told him so with my eyes and he leaned in to kiss my forehead in response. Then he turned around and continued his mindless meandering.

"I _do_ remember Alice!" The woman finally exclaimed. "She was the sweet little girl who dragged her brother out here with her all the time. I'm sorry but I don't remember you, though. I do remember another young fellow with gorgeous blue eyes and great manners. He used to wear those vulgar shirts though; that always made me say a little prayer for that poor girl."

Edward snorted from across the room.

Jasper grinned. "That was me!"

The woman adjusted her glasses and examined Jasper more carefully. "That was you?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "Yep! That was me."

She pursed her lips. "Are you sure?"

That made him frown and his brows furrowed in thought.

Edward sighed. "It was you, Jasper. Remember your _Nine Inch Nails_ shirt that you only took off to wash once a week?"

That just proved that Jasper's oddness wasn't entirely due to the drugs he'd put into his body. I wasn't sure if that made me feel better or worse.

Relief flashed over Jasper's features but he sobered quickly. "That shirt wasn't vulgar."

The woman leaned over the counter and whispered, "It had the 'F' word on it."

He cocked his head and explained, "That was one of their songs."

That didn't seem to be a good enough explanation for her; instead it seemed to make her narrow her eyes and purse her lips toward him.

"Is Jericho still here?" Edward asked.

Sadness flashed over her face. "Oh, no, he passed away a few weeks ago, actually. He was our old man; lived to be seventeen." Edward grazed a knuckle over his chin and Jasper picked the trinket back up off the shelf. "The good thing is though that he got to see his grand pups before he died."

"He had pups?" I asked excitedly.

She smiled warmly. "Grand pups—oh, they are so sweet. They were whelped a couple months ago so they just came out into the open last week. There's one that looks exactly like his Grand Daddy but…"—her eyes widened and she started stage whispering—"He's a holy terror."

"Can we…can we see them?" I asked.

Her smile grew. "We only ask for a twenty dollar donation for each person."

I pulled out my wallet before Edward could make it back to the counter with his. "Jasper, do you want to go into the enclosure?" I turned to him and he was having a staring contest with the miniature wolf that he couldn't seem to keep his hands off of. After I sighing dramatically, I added, "I'll take that little wolf thing he's got, too."

Jasper decided to hang out by the car instead of joining us in the wolf enclosure. Edward seemed nervous and I was trying to hold in my excitement. I paid and Edward and I signed our life away on a couple of waivers. A younger guy, named Aiden, met us outside and led us over to the wolves. The set up was amazing. If you didn't go in with them, you could easily walk the paths around them. The wolves watched us with curious eyes as we approached and scattered toward the back of the yard as we got closer.

"It's a good thing you both got long pants on and I hope you don't mind getting muddy. Watch the pups, 'cause they'll grab a mouthful of your arm and when they do, they're mighty determined to keep it." He opened the gate and we walked in slowly. "Don't approach them; let them come to you. No sudden movements and no reaching for their heads. And I assume it's common sense but of course there are a lot of idiots in this world, so I have to say it: If a wolf is eating or chewing on something, don't try to take it away from them. You'll lose an appendage, at the least a finger."

Edward walked over to a couple of logs that doubled as a bench for visitors. I followed him as Aiden leaned on the fence casually. The wolves watched us cautiously, not afraid but curious.

"The pups are sleeping in the den with their momma. Sometimes if they hear you talking to the other wolves, they'll come clamoring out to see what the ruckus is all about." Aiden crossed his arms over his chest and rested a boot up on a big rock. "Let me know if you have any questions."

"Thanks," I said with a smile.

We sat in silence for what seemed like hours but in reality, it was a small amount of time before one of the younger looking wolves with a tan and white coat ventured up to us. Aiden told us that her name was Katrina. She sniffed us, probably looking for fresh blood or treats, and when she realized we didn't have any, Katrina moved on in a bored fashion.

Then the other wolves got brave. As each one approached us, Aiden gave us their names and their stories with a giant grin on his face. He obviously loved and believed in what he was doing even though he was simply a volunteer. It was refreshing.

"Your Sunday peeps at the church are going to miss you when you move to Peoria," I said softly. "I'm surprised you aren't going crazy by not being there today."

Edward shrugged. "I haven't seen them lately."

I cut my eyes to him. "You haven't?" He shook his head. "For how long?"

"A while."

The wolves strolled around casually, glimpsing at us from time to time to see what we had that could interest them. They were beautiful in their graceful movements and it seemed that they held secrets in their eyes; as if they knew so much more than we did, even if they were supposed to be the inferior species.

"I can see why Alice fell in love with this place," I whispered.

"It is pretty spectacular," Edward replied softly as his eyes traveled over the landscape around us. "Thank you, Bella, for bringing me here. I feel closer to Alice than I have since she died."

"You're welcome," I said, fighting a grin. "Do you want me to—"

I was interrupted by Aiden. "Here they come! Prepare yourselves!"

Four wolf puppies waddled out of the little makeshift cave in the middle of the holding area. Three of them were gray and white but one of them was pure silver. While the three similar ones cocked their heads and watched us, the silver one moseyed on over and sunk his teeth into Edward's ankle.

"Christ!" Edward hissed but he didn't move his leg in fear of scaring the wolves. Instead, he reached down and tried to pry the teeth off of his pant leg.

"Yep. That's Jericho Junior," Aiden grumbled with a grin. "You need help?"

Edward managed to get little J.J. off his pant leg and he held him at arm's length. "I think I'm good."

"That's funny how he headed straight for you," Aiden noted. "Usually, he either goes to pick on the big female wolf or he comes after me; must be something special runnin' through your veins."

Edward scoffed as J.J. playfully snapped at Edward's arm. "Yeah, like blood."

When Edward was holding his own against the little pup, J.J. turned his attention to me and went for my shin. I pulled my legs up but he jumped after them, his tail wagging at the idea of the chase. Thankfully, Edward pulled him back before his sharp little teeth could make contact with my skin.

"Feisty little bugger," Edward grumbled.

It didn't take long for J.J. to wander off toward something more exciting.

"You ready?"

I shrugged. "Whenever you are."

There was fifteen minutes before the habitat closed when we got back to the car. Jasper was asleep in the back seat with his bare feet pressed up against the window, his skin squished against the glass.

I grimaced. "I've never met anyone like him before."

"Thinking twice about inviting him back to Washington?" Edward said with a smug grin.

"No, I was just stating a fact, is all."

"Mmm hmm," he muttered under his breath. "Do you mind if I take a short walk around the place? I'll be back in a few."

I shook my head as he opened the passenger side door and poked his head in.

"Jasper!"

Jasper shot up and blinked, his entire head was a mosh pit of hair.

"Put your shoes back on before Bella suffocates in there with you." Edward drew his head out and then turned around to address me. "Get inside and lock the doors."

I saluted him and he rolled his eyes.

As he walked away, I yelled, "I hate to see you leave but I love to watch you go!"

He didn't acknowledge me but I could see him shaking his head.

"Where's he goin'?" Jasper asked after I'd climbed into the car.

"On a walk."

"Like a spiritual walk?"

I raised my eyebrows and said, "I think he just wanted time to think; I guess you can call it a thoughtful walk."

He made a noise. "That's nice."

After shifting in my seat, I cleared my throat as I prepared myself to issue an invitation to Jasper to come back to Washington. He'd had all these crazy idea about marrying me and I didn't want it to come across as a romantic invite.

"Maybe I'll stay in Chicago," Jasper mumbled. "I mean, maybe I can get Edward's job if he quits. Or even jump in as a temporary replacement or something."

I almost pouted at the sadness in his voice. With a sigh, I twisted in my seat so I could make eye contact with him. "Jasper, I was wondering if you'd like to come stay with my dad and me in Washington. We could help you get on your feet, help you find a job, stuff like that." His eyebrows twitched inwardly but he stared at me like I'd just blurted out jibberish. "My dad is Police Chief so he could put in a good word for you around town. I already called and asked him and he told me that he'd agree to meet you."

Jasper blinked rapidly. "You…you want me to come stay with you?"

"I want to help you," I explained.

His fingers started picking at a small hole in the knee of his jeans. "But you don't really know me."

"I know that you're a good person and that the life you have isn't what you want." I chewed on my lip a little before adding, "You might have to shave your beard and cut your hair."

His hand absently went to stroke his beard.

"Not that I want you to," I lied, "but my dad, well, he's kind of old fashioned and he might make a judgment call based on your facial hair."

For a moment, he let it all sink in and I thought for a moment that shaving his beard was asking too much. But then he seemed to shake himself and a grin appeared somewhere underneath his tangled 'stache. "I'll make you proud, Bella. I promise."

Call me crazy but I had a hankering to hug Jasper, crumb filled beard and all. "I just want you to be proud of yourself."

XxXxXx

Edward got back to the car a few minutes later and he had a strange look on his face. I worried that it had all been too much but he didn't want to admit it and make me feel guilty. After he climbed behind the wheel and turned the engine over, I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"You okay?"

The corners of his mouth turned up into a small grin and he nodded once. "I'm good."

We waved to Aiden as we drove off and soon we were on our way back to Chi-town. I was exhausted but anxious to spend time with everyone before I had to head back to Forks. A few hours into the journey, my eyes were heavy and my head was bobbing with my brain's desperation for sleep. Jasper was conked out in the back seat and Edward was driving in silent thought. There wasn't a need to fill the silence with conversation so we didn't; instead, we just let music fill the interior of my small rental.

The sound of my phone ringing caused me to let out a half drowsy snort. I blinked into focus as I padded my pockets for my cell.

"Probably my dad…" I explained, even though no one was questioning.

Expecting the rough voice of Charlie Swan, I answered with a hoarse tone.

"Hello?"

"Bella, hey!" It wasn't Charlie but it was a man. "How are you?"

I cleared my throat as I tried to process the voice, mentally face palming myself when I realized who it was. "Ben?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "I haven't heard from you since our date so I decided to give you a ring."

Ben Cheney was a perfectly nice guy. He was handsome and smart and a gentleman. The date that I'd been on with him was nice but there were no lusty explosions and he didn't make the goldfish in my belly do any swarming. Truth of the matter was, was that he wasn't Edward. There was only one of those and I was madly in love with him.

It was hard to believe that it hadn't even been a week since I'd went out with him; it seemed a million years had passed since I'd ventured out on my experimental date. We'd parted on good terms, with a kiss to his cheek and no future plans. I had thought that the lack luster attitude I'd had at the end of the evening was mutual. Apparently it wasn't.

I cut my eyes to Edward but his stare was intent on the road ahead. "Uh, yeah, I had to go out of town. Sorry about that."

"Oh, I didn't know! Are you okay to talk?"

"Uh, I really can't right now. I'm sorry." I tried desperately to keep my voice quiet but not conspicuously quiet. It wasn't easy. "We'll talk when I get back—my plane comes in on Wednesday."

"Oh, do you need a ride 'cause I can—"

"No! My dad is picking me up. It's fine."

I could feel my face burning as I wondered what was going through Edward's mind.

"Okay, well, give me a buzz when you get back into Forks. There's new Italian restaurant in Port Angeles that I've been dying to try out. I'd love to take you out next weekend."

I cleared my throat and willed a freak lightning storm to cut out my cell service. Of course, if I'd been on an important phone call, there'd be a sudden onslaught of hail coming our way but now that I actually needed to break a call… Nothing.

"Uh, I'll call you, okay?"

He was quiet for a moment before he spoke, "I'd like that, Bella."

I winced and said goodbye because that conversation wouldn't be pleasant. Ben was nice and I hoped that he would find somebody who wanted to try out that Italian place but it just wasn't me. My eyes reluctantly cut over to Edward whose lips and brows were pursed in thought; the green light from the dash clashing with his intense gaze.

"Uh, that was—" I started but Jasper interrupted me.

"What kind of work can I do in Forks, Bella?"

Edward glanced at me and I could see the worry on his expression as I twisted in my seat to look at Jasper.

"I dunno. What do you want to do?"

He pressed his lips together. "In reality or in my dreams?"

I suppose it was a fair question and it took my mind off of the past five minutes. "Both," I replied.

"Well, in my dreams, I'd like to own my own bar. Maybe, I can moonlight as a bartender and people would come in and we'd chit chat about the game or just life, in general." He smiled at the image he was seeing in his head of his dream self and sighed. "I'd be someone who the men could relate to and I'd get to do a lot of fist bumping. Maybe some high fives. The ladies would think I'm sensitive and charming as I lean over the bar and listen to their sad tales of broken hearts and misguided intentions. My place would be the kind of place where everybody knows your name…and you're always glad that you came."

I grinned. "Like _Cheers_," I offered.

Jasper's smile grew. "Just. Like. _Cheers_."

"Okay, and in reality?" I asked.

"In reality, I can…" He pressed his lips together in thought. "In reality, I can clean. And cook."

My eyebrows popped up. "You can cook?"

"Oh yes, I can cook."

"Maybe, I can put a good word in for you at the diner that I work at. The turnaround for good cooks is pretty high."

He leaned forward and held his fist out toward me. Instinctively, I leaned away from him slightly but recovered as I bumped my fist with his. He slumped back into the seat with a stupid grin on his face, mumbling words like "sweet" and "Ted Danson."

I ended up dozing off on the way home and woke up with my face pressed up to the glass of the window. With a sniff, I wiped my mouth and blinked my eyes into focus as we pulled onto my old street in Chicago.

"Are you going over to see Rose tonight?" Edward asked softly as he cut off the engine.

"I think I'll just wait until tomorrow," I told him then added, "I'm exhausted."

The guys grabbed the bags out of the trunk; Edward swatted at my hand when I tried to grab my own and gave me a short lecture on letting him be a gentleman for once in his life.

"Dear God, I'm starving!" Jasper proclaimed as we stepped through the door. "Do you think the family next door has food?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "I'll go out and get something."

I showered while Edward was gone which said a lot for Jasper in both of our eyes. It didn't make me think twice about being alone with him in the apartment and Edward asked me with his eyes if I was okay with staying there before he left. I answered with a sharp nod and a double-eyed wink. By the time I was dressed in comfortable sweatpants and oversized t-shirt, Edward was back with Chinese.

Jasper loudly praised the heavens as he dug into the food and piled a mixture of rice, General Tao chicken and eggrolls onto his plate. All three of us squeezed onto the couch and Edward turned the channel on the TV until he got to an old episode of Miami Vice.

I made a disgruntled noise.

"What? You don't like Miami Vice?" Edward asked around a mouthful of food.

My face scrunched into dislike. "No, not really."

He leaned forward so that he could look past me at Jasper. "Do you like Miami Vice?"

Jasper snorted some rice into his lap. "Hell yes, I do! Sonny Crockett is the man!"

Edward slouched back into the couch and grinned at me. "Two against one—Miami Vice it is."

I narrowed my eyes. "What happened to that whole 'being a gentleman' thing you were going on and on about on the way up here?"

"That doesn't include TV programming," he replied dryly.

"There are exceptions?"

"To being a gentleman, you mean?" I nodded and he scoffed in response. "Hell yes, there are exceptions."

"You'll have to make a list for me."

He shook his head. "I can't. Men don't share secrets like that. You know, man code and all."

I snorted. "That's ridiculous..." I shook my head and continued to eat as I grumbled "man code" under my breath.

"Women have their code and men have theirs," Jasper offered.

"Do tell, Jasper, what exactly entails as woman code?" I asked.

He shrugged and grinned at me as he waggled his eyebrows frantically. "You show me yours and I'll show you mine."

I narrowed an eye at him. "Okay, first lesson in women code is never, ever respond to that request in nothing less than silence but nothing more than a smack to the head."

Jasper's eyebrows furrowed as he chewed on my words. "Damn, woman code is complex."

I issued him the silence.

After dinner, Edward went to get cleaned up as I talked to Jasper a little about Forks. The look on his face when he asked questions made me excited to help him out and even though I was nervous about it, I trusted Jasper. There was something innocent about him that put me at ease. He wasn't stupid but there was a child-like grace to his enthusiasm over the possibility of working as a cook at the diner and the way he grinned when I told him how small the town was. Jasper was starting over and if anyone was to know how good that felt, it was me.

"I'm going to bed." Edward's voice was low from behind us and I turned, still smiling at Jasper's enthusiasm. There was an odd look on his face as he glanced once at me and then turned down the hallway.

I said goodnight to Jasper and warned him that if I woke up to him staring at me, I'd slug him. He did the double-eyed wink and clicked his tongue in understanding.

"Hey," I whispered, shutting the door to Edward's room behind me.

Edward was sitting on the edge of his bed in a pair of loose pajama pants and a grey t-shirt. His posture was stiff—his elbows on his knees and his palms rubbing together in preparation.

"Uh oh," I said with raised eyebrows. "This doesn't look good."

After a hard swallow, he straightened and said, "We should talk about…something."

"Okay," I sighed, sitting next to him on the bed. "What's got you looking like something hot and pointy has been shoved up your ass?"

Both of his eyebrows popped up. "You've been hanging around me too much. That is something that I would have fucking said."

I grabbed his hand and squeezed. "I don't think that it's possible to hang around you too much."

The smile melted off his face as he stared hard into my eyes. There was so much emotion there, between us and around us; it was thick and I felt like I could easily reach my hand out and grab a handful of it: There was regret and pain and unshed tears but on the flipside, there was laughter and comfort and respect. Whatever it was that developed between us couldn't be described with one single word or label; the connection was too deep and too raw. I couldn't imagine feeling anything more piercing than what I felt for the man sitting beside me.

"I, uh, care about you a lot Bella and…I mean, you know that but I think that while we are away from each other, we should just be friends." My mouth dropped open and I sucked in a breath. "It's not that I don't want to, you know, be with you…it's just that…fuck!"

"What are you trying to say?" I couldn't keep the annoyance out of my tone especially since the night before he'd been telling me how sorry he was that he's told me to leave months ago.

He groaned, stood up sharply and started pacing as his hand tried desperately to tug at invisible hair. "I don't want to hold you back from…anything, Bella."

"What are you holding me back from?"

"I don't fucking know! I guess, I don't want to keep you from…moving on with your life." He rubbed his face with his palms and sighed through his fingers. "It's going to be rough, with you on one side of the country and I'm on the other. I just don't want…when this is all over, I'll move wherever you want me to but for right now—"

A figurative light bulb went off over my head. "Is this about the phone call I got tonight on our way home?"

The split second glance from him gave me confirmation and I sighed. "That and other things," he replied.

"What other things?"

He cleared his throat as he continued wearing a path on the carpet. "Jasper is going with you and if you…if he…"

My eyes widened and I grimaced. "You're afraid that I'm going to fall for Jasper?"

His eyes narrowed as he stopped pacing. "Who's Ben?"

"Ben is a guy that I went out on a date with last week; actually, it was the day before I came to Chicago. It was something that was sort of part of my therapy but there's nothing there." I walked over to him, his eyes following my movement. "You're not holding me back from anything. In fact, I think you're doing just the opposite, you're pushing me forward."

After some knuckle-meets-scruff and some more erratic pacing, he said, "Don't you think that it would be better for you if we didn't—?"

I cut him off. "No, I don't." Frustrated, he opened his mouth to argue but I kept talking. "I can't do the 'friend' thing with you, Edward." His mouth snapped shut. "When I first moved here, straight from Oklahoma, you were there! When I was at my weakest and most vulnerable, you were there! When he came back for me, _you _were there! I'll be damned if I'm not going to be fucking happy for the first time in a really long time and you aren't there with me! You're either all in or all out because I can't do it half-assed!"

He took a small step toward me, swallowing hard and staring into my eyes. Probably, he was gauging whether or not I was going to kiss him or swing at him. My eyes were wide and my heart was pounding in my chest.

"So, you're not giving me a choice?" he asked and if he thought I didn't see the little twitch going on at the corner of his mouth, he was wrong. The man was fighting a grin and I was going to turn it into a huge smile.

"I'm telling you that the thought of being away from you is mentally taxing. What I'm telling you is that no matter how far away you are from me, I'm thinking of you. And when I think about you, I smile and I feel hope and I get this weird—but good—fluttery feeling in my stomach that makes me want to sing horrible love songs from the eighties. What I'm telling you is that I am madly,"—I started walking toward him—"hopelessly,"—his eyes dilated and he fought his grin as I another step—"irrevocably,"—the tip of his tongue swept over his bottom lip as his gaze took in every inch of my face—"unconditionally,"—his hands tightened into fists then relaxed, tightened then relaxed—"in love with you."

I knew was coming as soon as the last word left my mouth. It took two steps for him to be in front of me and half a second for his arms to completely surround my torso. His lips met mine, hungry and impatient and needy; I whimpered into his mouth as his tongue passed over my lips. His teeth tugged, his lips pressed, and his breath flooded through me—for a moment, I thought I was dreaming because I couldn't recall ever being kissed like this before. Then it hit me—Edward was done holding back. He was going to let me in, completely and finally, and the desire to do my celebratory chicken dance was hard to fight. But the way that his fingers gripped at my clothes made my entire body feel like Jell-O and a wobbly chicken dance just wouldn't be pretty.

"Fuck, Bella…" His hands made their way to my ass and he lifted me up against him. Surprising him—not to mention myself—I wrapped my arms around his neck and jumped on him, straddling his hips with my thighs. He grunted through the kiss and walked us over to the bed.

We landed in a heap of strangled breath, clumsy hands and synchronized moans. His body between my knees felt so right and so good. I wanted to stay like this, with his lips on my cheek, on my neck, on my collarbone but his hand going up my shirt and around my breast gave me a better idea. I rolled over so that I was on top of him and let myself feel him, all of him. Every inch of my body was pulled tight, like a rubber band that had been stretched to its limits; any second I felt like I might break and just start ripping clothes off both of our bodies.

With his hand on my cheek, he gently guided my face from his and he offered me the smile that I'd worked so hard for. His thumb traced my nose, my lips and then my chin as I panted above him.

"I don't know when it happened," he said. "It could have been that first day you went running with me; it could have been the night you socked me in the nose; hell, it could have been the day that I sent you away but all I know is that I love you, Bella Swan. It doesn't matter what I have to give up or where I have to go but I fucking swear to you that I'm going to do everything in my power to give you a reason to smile every fucking day."

I whimpered because, God damn, that was good to hear.

He sat up, and yanked his shirt over his head; my eyes drank in his body as he lowered himself back down. My fingers moved slowly over the hard muscles of his abdomen as his chest rose and fell with each quick breath. His eyes were glazed over with passion and surrender as my lips met the soft skin just under his belly button. As my tongue peeked out and tasted him, he hissed and ran his fingers gently through my hair. Every atom in my body was bursting with anticipation and curiosity as I kissed my way up his rib cage and straight to his nipple. When my lips reached the tiny hard pebble on his chest, I didn't think about what I was supposed to do or what was considered normal. I ran my tongue across it, feeling the tiny hardness rolling over my tongue did something fantastic to my body—especially when he groaned and jerked his hips in response.

"You're going to kill me with that tongue," he murmured softly.

I giggled as I took his nipple between my teeth and nibbled gently.

"And your teeth," he panted, "Jesus…Fuck!"

Between the sound of his moans and the way that he was moving underneath me, the ache between my legs was deliciously painful. His cock was right where it needed to be as I rocked over him, moaning as the friction made him arch his hips. My breath was broken and heavy as it was released from my throat, and I sat up; his nipple escaped from my mouth with a soft sucking sound.

He didn't waste time getting my shirt over my head and his eyes widened at my bare chest. His touch was soft as he cupped both of my breasts; the rough skin of his hands was a luscious contrast to the soft swells of my chest. I pushed myself into his hands and gave my body to him. Everything about him called to me, drew me to him like a moth to a fiery flame.

"You are so damn beautiful," he whispered. "Do you have any idea how fucking beautiful you are?"

I moved over him in response because it was the only kind of answer that I could conjure up at the moment. He groaned and flipped me over onto my back, cradling my head in his large palm and moving his other hand down to the elastic of my pants. He removed them quickly but took time with my panties, kissing a path from my hips to my ankles and then back up again. I wiggled and squirmed at every brush of his tongue against my skin and every nibble from his teeth. The noises that came out of me made me self-conscious but then he'd kiss a little higher up my thigh and I'd completely forget what I was embarrassed about.

"You deserve…"—_kiss_—"…to be…"—_kiss_—"worshipped, Bella. If I don't make you scream tonight…"—_nibble, lick, kiss_—"I'm going to consider myself a failure."

"Then…Oh, God, that feels good…then what?" I asked.

I met his eyes as he looked up at me, his face inches away from the apex of my thighs. His smile was brilliant. "Because, then I have to try and try again."

His lips brushed over the crease of my thigh. "Well," I panted, "I think I'm going to keep my screams to a minimum."

"Even if I succeed, it's guaranteed to be an addictive sound."

"Oh," I breathed, "okay, then."

As he chuckled, a whoosh of warm breath washed over my sensitive flesh and I closed my legs a little in response because now there were a whole new set of worries flooding through my brain: _What if I didn't smell good? When the fuck did I shave last? Where was I supposed to put my hands? Did he really want to—?_

The feel of his hands on my thighs, spreading my legs wider made my brain panic but then he put his mouth on me; all thoughts of anything other than the warmth of his lips and the movement of his tongue ceased in my head. My body had been ignited by his hands and his mouth and his words and nothing was going to keep me from moving forward. I squirmed and arched and bucked my hips; the noises now a constant as they bounced off the plaster walls of his bedroom.

_This…this was what it was supposed to be about…_

The muscles in my stomach tightened as his fingers slowly slid into me. The movement of his digits was slow but powerful and I could feel the ache consuming me as he licked and sucked and pumped. He groaned against me and it was my undoing; I let out a struggling moan as I tightened and flexed around his fingers. My entire body snapped taut with the shudder that ran through me.

"Oh God," I sighed as he kissed his way up my body. "That was incredible."

"It's not over yet," he said with a lazy grin.

He brought his lips to mine and kissed me hard. At some point, he'd taken his pants off and I could feel him hard against my thigh. So close, so close… I was astounded at how profoundly the panic in my brain was outweighed by my desire to have him inside me. I wanted to feel him push into me, stretch me as I accepted him, body and soul. He broke the kiss and looked at me, the green nearly taken over by black as his chest heaved for oxygen. With a little effort, I pulled my leg out from underneath his weight and surrounded his hips with my knees—a silent confirmation that I was more than ready to take him in.

His sigh was throaty and he grinned down at me, tenderly moving a strand of hair from my forehead. "I forgive myself," he whispered.

My eyes widened. "What?"

"I'm done with the past, Bella, and what happened is just going to have to stay there." With my palms on his cheeks, I pulled his lips to mine and kissed him hard, enamored with the revelation that he'd just thrown at me. I could feel him adjusting his position, moving deeper between my legs. His erection was pressing at my entrance and I sucked in a breath. His brows pinched together as he watched the anticipation dance on my features. "Are you okay? We don't have to—"

"Edward," I groaned, "if you back out now, I'm going kill you." I pushed up and kissed him and moved my hips so that the tip of his cock was inside of me; I needed to make it clear what I wanted. "My past is tossed right along with yours, Edward."

He sighed. "I just don't want—"

I couldn't take it. Using pure surprise and as much strength as I could muster, I pushed him off me with a hand on his chest. I rolled with him and straddled his stomach.

"Fuck, Bella…"

With determination, I reached between my legs and wrapped my hand around him. Slowly, I pumped up and down, watching his face and listening to his glorious chorus of moans and soft curses. Then I aligned him perfectly to the promised land and lowered myself on him. The fullness was expected and the way his body responded wasn't a shock but how absolutely glorious is felt was what made my breath hitch. I sat up on him, reveling in the sight of him underneath me. The muscles in his stomach and chest flexed as he moved his hands over my thighs, my hips and my breasts.

He groaned when I started moving over him, cursing under his breath and rubbing my nipples with his rough palms. The friction from his pelvis was extraordinary and I could feel the tingle between my legs each time I slid over him.

"You own me," he murmured.

The muscles surrounding him, clenched and I cried out his name as I came. I put my hands on his chest and panted, trying to summon up the energy to keep going. He had other ideas. With his hands on my back, he pulled me to his chest and rolled so that he was on top of me again. I spread my legs wide and gasped when he took my nipple into his mouth and sucked hard. His thrusting quickened; my nails dug into his back.

"I want to be inside you every day and every night for the rest of my life," he murmured softly against my nipple. "You have no idea how good it feels to make love to you, Bella. You have no clue what it feels like when you explode around me." His thrusts came harder and the sound of his skin meeting mine made me moan out an incoherent reply. When he spilled into me, he arched his neck and groaned. Keeping himself propped up on one elbow, he started kissing me—my forehead, my cheeks, my neck. He was bathing me in his love.

"I love you, Edward," I whispered.

"Mmm…" he hummed as he looked up at me. "Say it again."

I giggled. "I love you."

"I love you, Bella." He said, and then rolled us so that my head was resting on his chest; my cheek on the wolf. I settled my hand on his stomach and wrapped my leg around his thigh.

"I don't know if I can let you go again," he said. "I should just say fuck it and go with you."

"That sounds nice." I smiled against the inked wolf and nuzzled my nose against the soft hairs of his chest. "You'd regret it though, Edward."

He pulled me tightly to him. "I'd never regret it."

"Don't you think that you need closure?" I asked.

He sighed. "It won't be for long but when everything is…over in Peoria, I'm moving to wherever you are."

"What if I move here to Chicago?"

"I don't give a fuck where you are, I'm going to be following along like a little pathetic puppy dog."

I giggled. "Can I put you on a leash?"

He was silent for a moment before answering, "As long as it's attached to one of those bad ass spiked collars. And you can't dress me up or anything. And I get to pee anywhere I want."

I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows. "You've thought about this a little too much."

He shrugged. "It's every guy's dream to just whip it out and piss wherever he wants to. You'd do the same damn thing if you could aim."

"Oh Jeez," I replied. "Talk to me about something else."

"What do you want to talk about?"

I rose up on an elbow and ran my fingertip over his nipple. "You really forgave yourself?"

A smirk broke free on his beautiful face. "I did. I'm done with it."

"When did you realize…"

He sighed and ran his hand through my hair. "Did I ever tell you what the last thing Alice said to me was?" I shook my head. "She told me that she hated me."

"What?"

"Yeah, she was so pissed off that I embarrassed her in front of all those people at that party that she told me she hated me. I told her that I didn't care, as long as she was safe. Those words have haunted me, Bella, knowing how angry she was at me when she died and how I told her that I didn't care." I opened my mouth to argue but he pressed his finger to my lips to silence me. "I know, I know, she said it in the heat of passion and all that shit…I know but I couldn't let it go until…"

"Until?"

"Until I took that walk at the Wolf Reservation," he said. "I came across a little bench and I sat down, just for a few minutes, and I remembered a conversation I'd had with Alice. We had sat on that same bench, eating really bad pizza and talking about the stupidest shit." He chuckled at the memory and I couldn't help but laugh with him, as if I had been there with them. "She told me that day that I was the best brother in the world. She said that even though I complained about taking her out there, I still did it. I got extra big brother points for letting her listen to her music in the car."

"That was nice that she told you that," I said.

His eyes narrowed in thought. "It wasn't so much her words but I remembered the way she looked at me...and it wasn't just that day. Even when we'd get into fights, she'd still look at me like…like I was someone she wanted to be one day."

I ran my finger down his jaw. "She looked up to you and she loved you."

"It was hard for me to realize that but she did and I can't let her down. The man I was a year ago wouldn't have gotten that look. Pity, yes but adoration, no."

"I'm proud of you," I said, kissing the skin on his collarbone.

"I owe everything to you, Bella."

"No, you don't—"

"Yes, I do."

We lay in each other's arms for the next several minutes in silence, relishing in the body warmth of the other.

"Did you lock the door? I don't want to wake up staring at Jasper again."

Edward grunted and dragged the sheet up past my shoulders with his hand.

"Well, if he does, you won't have to worry about taking him back to Forks."

"Why?"

"Because I'd fucking kill him."

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><p><strong><em>AN: Next chapter, we get more conversations with Rose and Esme and Carlisle. A little Emmett and the kids too. :) _**

**_Sooo...we got the first ILY from Edward. What was your favorite part of the chapter? The declaration or the penetration? Hee hee. How many people are out there yelling, "It's about fucking time!" LOL! _**

**_Thank you for all your reviews! I try to reply to all of them but I know a few slip by me and I forget! Sorry about that! :) I'm donating a piece to The Fandom for Special Olympics compilation - does anyone have any ideas that they'd like to see me write? It doesn't have to be related to CMNtD but I was thinking of donating the epilogue. This is a cause that is VERY near and dear to my heart so it's going to be something that I'm hoping readers will give at least $5 for. I'll post the link on my profile but give me an idea of what you want me to write? A O/S? An EPOV of a certain part of this story? An outtake of some of the other characters? Something completely different? I'm a wordy bitch so a O/S might be difficult but I'll make it work! I appreciate any and all ideas! THANK YOU!_**


	28. Chapter 28  Bittersweet

_**A/N: Shucks, you guys! My review count is over 1,000! Amazing. Thanks to everyone who is reading, reviewing, alerting, etc. It makes my day. **_

_**Thanks Softragoo for prereading! I would be lost without you! **_

_**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**_

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><p><em><strong>Chapter Twenty Seven<strong>_

"Sweet Jesus," Rose mumbled. "Look at your hair!"

Edward ran a hand over his shaved head and raised his eyebrows at Rose, daring her to comment further.

Rose looked at me. "Why do I get the feeling you had something to do with this?"

I raised my hands up. "I had nothing to do with it."

"What is the big deal? It's just hair."

I laughed so hard that I bent at the waist a little.

"What?"

"This is coming from the man who considered making me sign a contract before you'd let me near it with a pair of scissors." I pressed my lips together and shook my head.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, I saw what you did to those pink shorts. How can a man not be afraid? I do need my ears, you know."

Rose waved us through her doorway. "Quit bickering in the hallway and come in."

She pulled me into a tight hug and I sighed against her shoulder.

"How'd it go?" she asked softly.

"Good."

"Was he an asshole the whole time?"

"No, just in small increments."

Edward made a noise from behind us. "I can hear you."

Rose released me and patted Edward on the cheek. "It's a good thing Bella didn't cut your ears off, huh?"

"Where's the kids?" he asked, changing the subject.

She looked perplexed for a moment before pointing to the kitchen. He looked at me sideways before moving past Rose in the direction of the kitchen.

"Good God, you're around him for four days and he's a completely different person. Did you see that he almost smiled when you made that crack about the contract? That was…"—she closed her eyes and shook her head a little—"weird."

"He's been through a lot, Rose, and I think he's going to be better than he has been in a really long time."

She smiled warmly at me. "That's the first time he's looked excited to see Em and Sam in a long time." As if on cue, the sound of Emily's giggles erupted from the kitchen. "Please tell me that you're staying in Chicago."

"I wish I were but I can't right now."

We moved into the living room and plopped down on the couch.

"Because of the shrink? I can find you a shrink. And there are a shit load of diners in Chicago that would hire you in a heartbeat."

I sighed. "I just need to get back on my feet a little before I do anything drastic, you know? I'd love to move back here but…remember when I called you around Christmas?"

"Yeah, you were, um, upset."

I let out a dry laugh. "I was seriously losing it and when I think back on it, it's scary to remember how I felt then. It's hard to explain but I was so confused and full of pain, and I'm terrified that one little set back can send me back there. I'd love to live here again but I need to be more, I dunno, secure with who I am."

"Just promise me that you won't rule it out for the future," she said.

"I absolutely promise."

Smiling, I grabbed her hand and squeezed.

"What do you promise?"

We both looked in the doorway to see Edward looking at us, his face covered in green paint. It was covering his cheeks, his forehead; even his nose got a nice swipe down the center. Simultaneously, we burst out laughing.

His face remained neutral. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

Emily weaved around him and sat down next to me on the couch, laughter dancing on her features. Sammy trotted in after her; Edward bent down and gave his behind a little pat as he went by. Sam ran faster and giggled as he climbed into his mom's lap.

"What happened to you?" Rose finally said as she tried to catch her breath.

He cocked his head. "Whatever do you mean?"

She rolled her eyes. "Seriously? You have no idea?"

"No," he sighed. "I don't have time for these silly games. I have to get to work." He turned his eyes toward me and grinned wickedly. "Bella, do you have a kiss for me?"

My eyebrows popped up and I pressed my lips together. "Hmm mmm…I forgot to brush my teeth this morning. I wouldn't want you to, uh…"

He made his way over, stalking over to me like he was waiting for me to run. "A little morning breath never hurt anybody. Come on…give me a big smooch."

Rose and Emily started cackling. I called them both traitors as I tried to flee from certain paint death. Edward caught me in one arm and pulled me to him, sticking out his bottom lip in a pout.

"Don't you love me?"

"You know I do but I really don't want paint all over my face."

I tried to squirm away from him, leaning my face as far away from his as I could get but he dug his fingertips into my ribs. After contorting and letting out a squeal, I looked back up at him. His face was only inches from mine and suddenly the room temperature spiked. The arm holding me around the waist seemed so strong and I wondered how I had ignored the press of his body against mine.

"Kiss her, Edward!" Emily shouted.

_Oh, yeah…kid in the room_.

Edward's smile grew and he leaned down toward me. "Do you trust me?" he asked.

Narrowing my eyes playfully, I said, "With my life, yes but with paint…I don't know."

As his lips came closer, I didn't pull away from him, and I expected to feel the cold paint smeared all over my face. Instead, he brushed his lips over mine, the ghost of a kiss and pulled away. I was willing to bet that there wasn't a trace of paint on my skin. Oddly enough, I kind of wished that there was.

"That was, uh…" I stammered.

"Kiss her again!" Emily suggested.

Mischief danced on Edward's face before he cut his eyes to Emily. "Your turn, little girl!"

Emily squealed and leapt off the couch, running past the groping arms of Edward.

He sighed. "I really do have to go. I'll see you tonight?"

I nodded and bit down on my lip to keep from grinning at him like some love sick school girl. "You're not going to wash that stuff off your face?"

"What stuff?"

Then he turned on his heel and walked out.

I laughed and plopped down next to Rose. She was looking at me like I'd just preformed some sort of miracle.

"That was like the first five minutes of a…"—she clapped her palms over both of Sammy's ears—"porno."

I snorted. "What are you talking about?"

"You guys really love each other," she stated.

"Yeah," I said, nodding my head, "we do."

Sammy squirmed to get her hands away from his ears. "Mommy, stop!"

She pulled her hands away and let him see her exaggerated shocked expression. "Don't you tell me to stop, little man!" His eyes went wide until she started tickling him and he giggled and twisted in an escape attempt. When she finally released him, he scampered off toward his own room.

"What did you say to him? He's like a different person."

I shrugged. "I just told him the same stuff I told him months ago—that he's a good man who deserves to be happy."

"I wonder how long that's going to last," she deadpanned. "Probably until you board that damn plane to Washington."

"He's really trying, Rose, and he's winning so don't make it hard on him."

It was hard not to tell her that he wasn't going to be in Chicago much longer but I felt that Edward should be the one to tell her that. Edward and Rose had a bond that I was jealous of sometimes. It was that love and hate relationship where they could have said anything to each other and not feared the consequences. They went out of their way to make the other one fidget. It was probably unhealthy but it worked for them. I didn't want to be in the middle of it but I still wanted to be a part of it. It was a fine line and if I'd told Rose about Edward leaving then I probably would have crossed that line.

"I'm glad but don't fault me for not trusting this new Edward."

"Was he really that bad?"

She shrugged. "I might not have made it real easy on him but he didn't make things easy on himself, either. There were a few times when…when I was a little scared of him."

"He would never…" I shook my head.

"I don't know what he would do but I didn't know if I could take that chance with the kids and Emmett has his own temper." My eyes widened and when she caught my horrified expression she gasped. "Oh, no! Not like that…he's very gentle with me and the kids but he's very, um, protective."

I sighed but my own overprotective hackles were still raised. "But still, Edward did a hell of a lot for you and the kids while Emmett was in prison. You couldn't really think that he'd hurt you."

Rose shifted a little on the couch, clearly not enjoying the topic. "You know what I think?"

"What?" I asked.

"I think he needs you a hell of a lot more than you needed him." I smiled and she offered me her own grin. "What do you want to do today?"

"Visit Esme," I replied.

Her grin grew. "You're going to see her tonight at dinner."

"I don't care. I want to go see her."

"Let's get the kids ready and we'll go."

Forty five minutes and ten arguments between Rose and Emily in regards to her clothing choices later, we were sitting in Rose's new Honda minivan, heading toward _Blossom's Bookshelf_. My foot tapped with anticipation but my nerves jolted with each familiar landmark. I had ignored many of Esme's calls while I was in Forks and had only spoken to her a handful of times; each of those being very short and full of bullshit. Swallowing hard, I wondered if she would be angry with me or if she'd lost all trust in me. Suddenly, seeing Esme didn't make me as giddy as it had before.

"Posh ride, huh," Rose commented, breaking me away from my self-loathing.

"Huh?"

"The minivan—pretty sweet, don't you think?"

I ran my hand over the dash board, my fingers running through something red and sticky. Rose merely shook her head and rolled her eyes and handed me a napkin.

"I love it. It's perfect for you guys."

"Carlisle found us a really good deal at a used car lot across town. He knew the owner and assured us that they wouldn't let us drive off with a lemon."

"How is Carlisle?" I asked as Rose pulled up to the curb and parked.

"He's really good." Her face dropped into a frown. "He has a new addiction, though."

I raised my eyebrows. "No more internet shopping?"

"No, he still does that but…"

"But what?"

She heaved out a sigh. "He buys shhh…stuff for the kids."

My shoulders dropped with relief as I opened my door. "Jeez, Rose, by the look on your face, I thought you were going to tell me that he's smoking crack. What's wrong with letting them spoil your kids?"

"He bought me an I-Pad!" Emily piped in. "And my own Wii so that I can practice and beat him at Guitar Hero!"

I raised my eyebrows at Rose and she shot me the universal "See!" expression.

As we walked down the concrete steps to the shop, I told Rose that if it bothered her that they spent so much money on the kids, that she should talk to them about it. I was sure that they'd understand.

"I know, it's just…it's just that I don't want to hurt them and I'm afraid that…"

"Afraid that what?"

She blew out a sigh through puffed cheeks. "I'm afraid that this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, you know?"

I shook my head, not understanding.

"Hey, Em, can you take Sammy into the bookstore and find daddy? Tell daddy to check Sammy's diaper." Rose winked at me and I giggled.

"Sure, Mom," Emily said.

After they went inside, Rose leaned against the brick wall outside the door.

"I've never had anyone except for Emmett. I never knew my real father but I had a step dad who used to…used to do horrible things to me and my sister. He hurt her the most and when I'd try to intervene, he'd beat the shit out of me." She ran a finger over the scar along her jaw. "A cork screw."

"Jesus," I whispered. "How come you never told me this?"

She shrugged and said, "Because it doesn't define me as a person and Emmett came along and like the knight in shining armor that he is, swept me off my feet." She smiled at the thought of her husband. "One time, before the sweeping took place, he came over and caught my stepdad two seconds away from taking his belt to my ass. I never saw my mom or my stepdad again."

"God, I'm so sorry, Rose."

"Nothing to be sorry for, Bella; as sick and twisted as it might sound, I'm glad that happened to me if it meant I end up where I am. Sure, things have been hard but that's what makes life today so fucking sweet."

I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed. She held me tight and sighed into my hair. "I'm afraid to let people like Carlisle and Esme into our lives because I'm terrified that if I talk to them about those stupid gifts that they'll just tell us to fuck off. I'm starting to love these people and it scares me that they're just going to get bored of us. If they can't buy my kids fun shit, why in the hell would they stick around, you know?"

With my hands on her shoulders, I pulled away from her and looked into her teary eyes. "Rose, you know Esme and Carlisle would never do that."

"I don't know that."

"If you want, I can try and talk to her about it. I'll make it sound like it's coming from me."

She shook her head. "No, I don't want them to think that we don't appreciate it or…"

"Rose, stop beating yourself up over this! Esme will be cool with it."

"Well, okay, only if you think—"

"I do," I said, pulling her into another tight hug. "Now, let me go say hi to my ex-boss."

We walked in and Emmett dropped a load of books onto the floor as he made eye contact with his wife. "Hey baby," he said with a cheeky grin.

"Hey," she said and then seductively bit into her bottom lip. I grinned and rolled my eyes at their playfulness. "Where'd the kids go?"

"Emily is in the back, changing out the CD to some horrible pop shit and Esme took Sammy to the bathroom."

All the mischievousness drained from her face. "You're making her change him?"

He held his hands out, palms up. "What was I supposed to do? She just grabbed him and ran! The woman is nuts!"

Rose looked at me and pouted.

"I'll talk to her and make it all better."

It didn't keep her from sighing sadly. Some sort of pop boy band started playing throughout the store, courtesy of Emily.

"They are totally going to break up with us," Rose grumbled.

I barked out a laugh.

"Bella?" Esme's voice was like music. She gave Sam a kiss on the forehead and then put him on the floor before walking over to me. "Emily didn't tell me that you were here."

"Esme, um, I just wanted to—"

She cut me off with a hug that nearly knocked the wind out of me. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around her and lavished in the feel of one of her amazing hugs.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

She shushed me. "I missed you, Bella. I'm so glad that you're okay." She pulled away and looked at me from head to toe. Her grin grew when her gaze reached my eyes. "You look spectacular!"

"Thank you but I wanted to…to see you before tonight because I needed to tell you how sorry I am that I didn't call. Or answer when you called. It wasn't because I didn't think about you or miss you because—"

"It's okay," she cooed, wiping a tear off my cheek. "It's okay."

I hugged her again before the sound of the bell hanging on the door chimed. We broke our hug but she kept her arm around me. Emmett walked over and started chatting with the younger college-aged guy that had walked in; Sammy was wrapped around Emmett's leg—riding it like a carnival ride—as he waved a hand over the Reference section.

"Thanks Esme for changing Sammy," Rose said sweetly then added, "You didn't have to do that."

Esme flipped her wrist at Rose and made a dismissive noise. "You know I love that little man."

Rose's smile was sad.

"Oh, hey! I forgot! We brought lunch!" I turned to Rose. "Did we forget it in the car?"

She cocked her head and scrunched up her face in confusion.

Internally, I rolled my eyes. "You know, the sandwiches from down the street that we picked up."

After staring at me blankly for a moment, she looked from me to Esme and then back at me again before the figurative light bulb dinged above her head. "Oh! Right! I'll go get them!"

I eyed Emmett as he squatted beside Emily to try and talk her into a 'decent' CD.

"What was _that_ about?" Esme asked with a narrowed eye.

"What?"

She scoffed. "Bella, I might be old but I'm not senile. What was that between you and Rose?" I pressed my lips together and her eyebrow popped up. "Why do I feel like I'm being left out of a secret club?"

My shoulders slumped as I told Esme about what Rose had said on the way here about the gifts. Rose was going to kill me. Esme was oddly silent and by the time she opened her mouth to respond, Rose was bustling through the door, out of breath and overexcited.

We spent a majority of the day at _Blossom's_, interfering with Emmett and Esme's work but we couldn't be apologetic about it. Esme didn't seem to mind either. I didn't realize just how much I'd missed her until I was able to feel her comforting arms wrap around me. There was no one kinder than Esme, in my opinion, but she didn't see herself that way at all.

"When I grow up, I think I want to be Esme," I told Rose on our way back to her apartment.

Rose snorted. "I think we all do but shh…stuff just gets in the way that shouldn't."

"I don't know," I told her, "you're on your way there."

She barked out a laugh and I jumped a little in my seat. "I'm not even close to being an Esme."

"You did a lot for me, Rose."

She cut her slightly narrowed eyes at me. "What? I let you babysit a couple of times?"

"No, you took care of me when I really needed it. If I hadn't met you, I would have…well, I don't know what I would have done but it would have been ugly." Tears were starting to well up in my eyes when I realized that I had never really told Rose how much she meant to me. "When I was alone and terrified, you opened your home to me and that couldn't have been easy considering how you're feeling about your relationship with Carlisle and Esme. Weren't you afraid that I'd just leave one day?"

She shrugged. "All the time but I fell in love with you, Bella—just like everyone who meets you does. You were the first real friend I'd had in a long time and even though I knew there was a chance that you'd leave, I wanted to give you every opportunity to stay."

I could feel my lip trembling as I turned in my seat to face her. "You know how much you mean to me, right?"

Her shoulders did a little half-assed shrug thing and she made a weird face. "Yeah, I do." She didn't sound convinced.

"Stop the car," I said.

"What?"

"Stop the car!"

She flattened the brake to the floor with her foot and Emily let out yelp. Sammy giggled and whooped.

"What the…what?" Rose screeched as her knuckles grew white on the steering wheel. Someone honked behind us. "Did you see something?"

I clicked off my seatbelt and leaned over toward her so that I was able to wrap my arms awkwardly around her. The hug was tight. I hadn't realized that Rose was so clueless. Guilt made my chest ache as I thought about all the phone calls that I'd ignored when I was in Forks. I was so sunk into my own issues that I never gave a second thought about how my actions affected her or Esme or the kids.

"I love you, Rose. You're not my blood but you are my sister and I'm sorry that I never made you see that." I released her and looked at her face. Both of us were shedding tears and offering sad smiles to each other. "If I had my life together, I'd be moving right back into my old apartment so that I could be close to you guys again. I miss all of you so freaking much…you have no idea."

She let out a wet sob. "Oh, I have an idea."

We hugged again as a chorus of car horns rang out from behind us. I pulled away again, wiping tears off of Rose's cheeks.

"What's going on?" Emily asked. "Did someone die?"

I bit my lip as Rose gasped. "What makes you say that, Em? That's a horrible thing to—"

A gummy worm smacked me in the side of the face courtesy of Sammy. He squirmed and giggled in his car seat, his little grubby fingers searching the baggie for more ammo.

"Sammy! Stop throwing stuff at people!" Rose closed her eyes and then mumbled under her breath, "He's never going to stop throwing stuff at people."

I laughed. "He's a boy; boys throw things. He'll grow out of it."

She offered her own laugh. "It's funny how some days I can't wait for him to be eighteen and other days, I want him to be a newborn."

My eyebrows rose. "But never a three year old?"

She sighed and shook her head. "No, I think the toddler phase of Samuel McCarty is killing me."

Another horn honked, this time it was loud and drawn out. Rose put her hand out the window and even though I couldn't see, I imagined she wasn't just waving them around us.

"I'm such a good mom," Rose said sarcastically as I got myself buckled in. "Moms aren't supposed to cuss and give people the finger."

Emily gasped from the back seat. "You gave that guy the middle finger?"

We ignored her because confirming it wouldn't result in anything positive. Rose pressed on the gas and we headed toward home again.

"You're an awesome mom, Rose. If I ever have kids, I hope that I have what you have."

Her laugh was laced with bitterness. "What? A mouth like a trucker and a questionable career?"

I shook my head. "No, unconditional love and the strong will to do whatever it takes to provide for them."

"That's not hard to do, Bella." Rose said, turning down our street.

A flash of my own mother flashed into my mind—her tears as she told me she was leaving, her nearly invisible presence in my life, the lack of love in the hug she'd given me on my graduation day a couple years ago. I never thought I'd missed her in my life but when I saw the things that Rose sacrificed for her kids; the proud smile on her face every time Sam would blurt out a new word; the glow that radiated from her each time Emily would wrap her arms around her middle and squeeze—that's when I knew that I'd missed a relationship that I didn't even know could have existed. There had been good times in my childhood before she had left but they felt meaningless to me when the end result equaled what it had.

"You're wrong," I told her and then paused, careful not to say the wrong thing because Emily and Sam were right behind me. "When times were tough, you could have walked away."

She shook her head and glanced at her kids in the rearview mirror. "No, I never could have…"

"See?" I shrugged. "That's what makes you amazing, Rose."

Rose thought about what I said as she parked the van on the street in front of our building. Then she turned to me, a smile fighting at her lips. "You really think that?"

I offered her a big smile. "I don't think…I know."

**XxXxXx**

Edward was nervous as we rode in the back of Emmett and Rosalie's minivan. His palms were sweaty and his knee bounced against the floorboard at a highly annoying rate. I put my hand on his knee several times to get him to stop but as soon as the weight of my palm would lift, it would go right back to its bouncing.

"She doesn't hate you, Edward," I whispered. "Esme is one of the sweetest people on the face of the planet. She's not going to hold one incident against you."

It didn't work. All the nervous energy rushing through his veins seemed to meet up and expel itself through his bouncing knee. Finally, I just kept my hand there and eventually, I let it slide up his leg until I reached his upper thigh.

He cut his eyes to me. "That's inappropriate, Ms. Swan."

I scooted as close to him as the seatbelt would allow. "And what's your point?"

His swallow was an audible plunk in his throat and he adjusted his position by raising his ass off the seat a little and then sitting back down. There was an internal battle going on—he didn't know whether to adjust my palm toward his crotch or away from it. With a sigh, he made up his mind and grabbed my hand, threading his fingers through it.

I pouted. "You're no fun."

He groaned a little and murmured, "Ah, fuck, Bella—"

"Edward said the 'F' word, Dad!" Emily announced from the seat in front of us. Both of us thought she was too enthralled with her cell phone to pay us any attention but apparently we were wrong.

Edward narrowed his eyes at me, silently blaming me for his verbal slip.

"Ooh, that's three dollars, Uncle Edward!" Rose said in a sing-song tone.

"I think I've paid for Emily's first year of college just for that word alone," Edward grumbled.

"You guys started a cursing fund to raise money for Emily's college?" Edward nodded. "When did that start?"

"Around Christmas," he told me.

"Edward couldn't open his trap without letting a curse fly out so it was our way of punishing him," Rose explained from the passenger seat. "Emmett's contributed quite a bit too."

I could hear Emmett make a disagreeable noise from behind the wheel. "I have not! Maybe once or twice."

Emily chortled. "Yeah, once or twice a day!"

"Don't make me whoop your ass in Wii, Emily because I—"

Emmett was interrupted by Emily's giggles. "You said the 'A' word…that's a dollar."

"Dammit," he mumbled.

"Another dollar!"

"Sh—"

Rose slapped her palm over Emmett's mouth. "We need groceries this week, Emmett. For the love of God, stop talking."

"Aw, Mom! That should be like fifty cents…he was gonna say it!"

"Emily, you shouldn't encourage bad words," Rose admonished. "It's the exact opposite from what you should be learning from this whole cursing jar idea."

I couldn't help but find the entire exchange rather amusing. "This is better than game show network."

"You just wait until she gets you," Edward grumbled. "Emily has ears like a bat."

Emily looked over her shoulder at Edward. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Edward flashed me a look and spent the remainder of the short journey explaining why having ears like a bat isn't necessarily an insult. He left out the part about it being annoying for the adults around her.

Esme opened the front door as soon as we pulled into the driveway, indicating that she was staring out the front window watching for us. I smiled as I pictured her doing just that. Carlisle followed her out, his limp so slight that a stranger never would have known that he'd lost his leg to cancer. Emily hugged Carlisle first and then Esme but she went right back to Carlisle and started telling him about the A she'd received on her English paper that he'd helped her with. Sammy reached Esme and asked for cookies.

"Oh, honey…" She looked pained because she knew she'd have to deny him. "How about after dinner? If you eat all of your green beans, you can have a cookie." Sammy pouted and Esme looked away, that troubled Grandparent expression clear on her face.

"Bella, you look good!" Carlisle said between Emily's chatter. "I hear you're doing well."

I smiled. "I'm better. How about you? How are you feeling?"

His return smile was glorious. "I'm alive and in love—what more could I ask for?"

Esme flushed and turned her attention to Sammy who was still conniving to get his dessert before his vegetables. If I were a betting woman, I'd have Esme in a corner of the kitchen sneaking cookies in Sammy's pockets within the half hour. Edward was quiet behind me; I could feel the tension in his muscles as he held my hand. It was making me uncomfortable for him to be uncomfortable.

"Esme, have you met Edward?"

She turned and smiled at him. "Yes, we met at Rose and Emmett's apartment one night."

Edward cleared his throat. "Yeah, uh, sorry about that; I was having a bad night."

"More like a bad year," Rose grumbled. I gave her the stink eye and she stuck her tongue out at me before walking into the house with Emmett's arm around her shoulders.

The three of us stopped walking while everyone else went into the house. Carlisle looked hesitant to leave his wife's side, probably aware of the first conversation Esme had with Edward but after a slight nod to her, he disappeared through the door.

"Okay, let's just get this over with," Esme mumbled and looked up at Edward with determination. "Bella is important to me, Edward. Do you know how special she is?"

This was a new side to Esme—her eyes were narrowed, her arms crossed over her chest and her stance strong. This was protective Esme and I grinned as Edwards squirmed under her gaze.

"Yes, Ma'am," Edward replied, glancing at me. "She's pretty important to me, too."

"Well, then you should know how pissed off everyone in that house would be if you hurt her." He nodded and swallowed thickly. "I know what you've done for her; I know that you helped her through one of the most difficult parts of her life and I thank you for it. But I also remember that you sent her away, told her to leave because you didn't want her here and I barely heard from her again for six months." I opened my mouth to tell Esme that the lack of contact had been my fault but she shushed me, "Can it, Bella, me and Edward are having a chat."

My mouth dropped open before I had a chance to stop it, I snorted out a laugh. Esme tried not grin. Edward looked panicked.

"Now, I get it that some relationships weren't meant to last and I'm not telling you that I'll hunt you down if that's the case but if you ever, ever tell Bella to leave Chicago again like that…" She pursed her lips and her eyes nearly squinted closed.

"If I had my choice, Mrs. Cullen, I'd find some way to glue myself to her. But I don't think she'd appreciate that very much, to be honest. Telling her that I wanted her to leave Chicago was the biggest mistake of my life..."—Edward shot me a pointed glance—"And there have been plenty of mistakes."

Esme shifted on her feet a little and cocked her head as she examined him. "So, what are your intentions?"

"This is ridiculous, Esme," I huffed and looked at Edward. "You don't have to answer—"

Edward cut her off; he spoke to Esme but his eyes were trapped in mine as the words flowed off his tongue. "My intentions are to keep her safe; protect her from everything bad in this world. If a day passes where I don't make her smile, make her feel loved, then I know that I will have to try harder. She deserves the absolute fucking best and if I don't give it to her, then I don't deserve her."

I couldn't help the watery smile that spread over my face as he looked down at me. Esme cut off our eye contact with a hug; she wrapped her arms around Edward and he hesitantly hugged her back, his eyebrows raised in my direction. When she pulled away, she gave him a little pat on the cheek and said, "Welcome to our family."

Twenty minutes later, Emmett and Edward stood by the grill, speaking of manly topics like sports and marinades. Even though the conversation between the two was easy, there was still stiffness to their postures, like they were both waiting for something bad to happen. I knew that Edward hadn't been the nicest guy since I'd left and I wondered if their friendship would ever go back to being simple and comfortable.

While Carlisle grilled out, Rose chatted with him about Sammy's upcoming year in preschool and some of the new developments from the past few weeks. His fine motor skills had improved but he still wasn't within the normal range. The way that Carlisle looked at Sammy—with concern and adoration—put a smile on my face but I felt a twinge of sadness, knowing I'd be leaving in a couple of days.

"What are you grinning about?" Esme asked from the chair beside me.

"Just thinking about how nice this is and how much I'm going to miss it."

"You could always come back, you know. I could use some extra help at the bookstore until you get back on your feet and then you can start looking for your dream job. There are plenty of jobs in Chicago that would suit you wonderfully." She grabbed my hand and squeezed it, reassuringly. "I missed you so much when you left."

I smiled sadly at her. "I missed you, too."

"Do you think you'll ever move back to Chicago?" She tried to keep her tone neutral but I could see the hope in her eyes. It made me feel wanted and needed and loved.

"I don't know, Esme. There's so much up in the air right now and I feel like there's so much more that I need to talk to my dad about. If I could pack all of you up and take you with me, I would."

"You have no idea how proud I am of you, Bella. Do you realize what you've managed to overcome? When you think about it, it's…miraculous."

I nodded slightly. "I think I'm starting to see that."

"Well, if you ever decide to move back, you have a place to stay and a job waiting for you; just know that, okay?"

"Thank you, Esme."

Edward walked by me, glanced down at me and winked as he went into the house. After a few minutes, I followed him in, hoping that he wasn't still feeling awkward about being around Esme. The door to the bathroom was closed so I knocked and asked him if I could come in. He opened the door quickly and pulled me in by my hand.

"Hey, are you—"

His lips cut me off, a hard crush of soft skin. The tips of his fingers trailed under the hem of my shirt and over my bare back. I wound one hand around the nape of his neck and then reached for hair to tug, whimpering when I came up empty. He pulled away from me with a gasp, panting to catch his breath.

"Wow, that was nice," I mumbled.

"I didn't think you were ever going to come find me."

"Was I supposed to?"

He kissed the end of my nose. "Didn't you see me wink?"

I smiled. "I thought you were just being cheeky."

His teeth nibbled on my neck, just under my ear. "I was and you should have taken the hint." My body melted into him as his hands slid down over my rear and his fingertips tucked underneath the hem of my shorts so that he was grazing my skin. "God, you look so fucking good today. Your legs look amazing."

"Really?" I asked dumbly, my hand finding its way under his shirt and over his abdomen.

"Mmm…how do you think Carlisle and Esme would feel about me using their bathroom as a place for me to get my girl off?"

I whimpered. "Esme has always been really open-minded about stuff. I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with it."

"Do you think we're being rude?" he asked, unbuttoning my shorts and slipping his hand under my panties. "I mean, we should probably be out there, mingling. Jesus, you're wet…"

It wasn't fair, asking me a question and making me think while his fingers played my female parts like a guitar. "Huh uh…it's not rude if we hurry the fuck up."

Six minutes later, I was adjusting my bra and fixing my hair in the mirror. Edward looked at me with a smug smile on his face and a glazed over look in his eyes. I turned around and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing his back against the wall with the weight of my body.

"That didn't take you long," he commented. "I must have some talented fingers."

I flushed against his chest. When I was in the heat of the moment, I could spurt out the sexy but when the moment was PG, I was speechless.

"I feel bad," I said. "I didn't get a chance to make you—"

I was interrupted by a loud tapping on the door.

"Bella? Are you in there? Have you seen Edward? I think he left."

"Uh, yeah—sorry, Rose, I was just…" I trailed off and looked up to Edward for help.

He raised his eyebrows and whispered, "Taking a piss."

Before I could stop myself, I repeated, "Taking a piss" through the door. I cringed because that was such an Edward thing to say.

Rose was quiet for a moment. "You've got to be kidding me! Tell Edward that the guys are in the living room, watching the game and he's being summoned…or whatever."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I can hear you just fine, Rose."

"How was I supposed to know you weren't neck deep in Bella's—"

I yanked open the door, cutting her off. "Where's Emily?"

Rose cocked an eyebrow and fought a smile. "Out back with Esme." She peeked over my shoulder to look at Edward. She pointed down at his crotch and said, "You should take care of that before you scare my children."

I pushed Rose away and closed the door behind me as she cackled like The Wicked Witch of The West. Something Emily must have taught her the past year when she'd practiced for her school play.

"You are evil, Rose."

She stopped laughing with a sigh. "I can't help it. That was too good to let go."

"Tell me about it," I mumbled.

After sucking in a breath, she gaped at me as we walked into the kitchen. "Listen to you now, Bella Swan. A year ago, all dicks were evil in your eyes and now, you can't get enough."

"Stop teasing me or I'll tell Emmett about all those thongs you tossed in the dumpster a week before he came home from Pekin."

"Seriously, girl, is he good?"

I closed my eyes and let my head lull back, a sign of exasperation. "Rose, I'm not going to talk about this."

"Oh, come on! Just tell me one thing!"

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything! Just…something!"

I sighed, putting some thought into her request. "It's about the best damn feeling in the world."

Rose beamed.

"What's the best feeling in the world?"

We both turned to see Emily standing in the doorway behind us. Rose and I blinked at her for a moment before stuttering a few things like "eating chocolate" and "spotting rainbows". Emily rolled her eyes and scampered off toward the living room. She was almost out of sight before she looked over her shoulder and said, "You owe me a dollar, Bella!"

I frowned. "That's not fair. I didn't even know she was there."

After watching the end of the White Sox game, we cheered Emily and Carlisle on as they played some Wii. Emily was very competitive and Carlisle didn't let her win so they ended in a 3-3 tie in the bowling. With narrowed eyes, she told him that she'd see him there at the same time next week. He chuckled and accepted her challenge.

"Well, we should get going," Emmett said as he watched Sammy yawn from the sofa beside Esme.

"Uh, before you go, we have something we need to talk to you guys about." She eyed Rose and Emmett carefully as Carlisle sat down on the arm of the sofa beside her. He put a supportive hand on her shoulder as she paused.

I cleared my throat. "Do you want Edward and me to…?" I trailed off, pointing at the front door.

"No, you guys can stay," she said in a soft voice and then she looked up at Carlisle helplessly.

He sighed and offered her a small smile. "You want me to ask them?"

"If you want to," she replied.

"Well," he sighed, "it's no secret that I can't get around like I used to, kids. Esme works long days at the bookstore and it wears on her that she can't be here to take care of the house and me while she's gone. She's offered to sell her business so that she can be here with me more."

Rose gasped. "That's your dream, Esme! You can't do that!"

"_Blossom's_ is doing such good business! I can work longer shifts, if that helps!" Emmett chimed in. You would think that Emmett would be concerned about his job but it was clear in his tone that his worry was with what his boss would endure if she lost her livelihood.

"That wouldn't be fair to you guys," Esme said. "You finally have your family together and you need to cherish every moment you have with each other."

Emmett scoffed. "We see each other all the freakin' time."

Rose lifted her eyebrows to her hairline. "You say that as if it's a burden!"

"No, no, baby, that's not what I meant. What I meant to say was it wouldn't really be, uh, cutting into our time if…well, it would but…" He grimaced because he knew he was losing the battle.

Rose rolled her eyes. "It's fine, Emmett." But clearly it wasn't. He was going to hear about this one later.

"Anyway," Carlisle continued, "I told Esme that I couldn't let her do that. So, we sat down and came up with a solution that involved your family."

"What?" Rose asked in a squeak.

Esme shifted a little in her seat and grabbed onto Carlisle's hand. "Well, we were wondering if you would consider temporarily moving in with us." Emmett and Rose gaped at her. "It wouldn't be for a long time, maybe just until next spring when I can hire someone else to cover part of my shifts at the shop. That way, you guys would be here in case Carlisle needs something. There's a lot of things we need done around here and we were hoping Emmett could help with that."

"What kinds of things?" Emmett asked.

"Well, repairs around here. The kitchen cabinets need refurbished and there's a spot on the roof that's going to need repaired. We aren't, um, expecting you to do this…unless you want to. We just wanted someone here to, uh, be here when the repair companies are here. Someone to—"

"What's this really about?" Rose piped in.

"What do you mean?" Esme asked.

Carlisle's lips formed a tight smile, as if he were expecting the conversation to shift in this direction.

"Esme, you guys are asking us to move in here because you need someone to watch over Carlisle like he's some invalid?"

"Well, his leg is—"

Rose interrupted with a bark of humorless laughter. "He just kicked an eleven-year-old's butt on the freaking Wii! Why wouldn't he be able to handle a few visits from a roof company?"

Esme chewed on her lip nervously and looked up to her husband for help.

"Okay," he sighed, "here's the deal. We love you guys. You're the only family we have and we want you to move in with us so that we get to spend more time with you and the kids. We want the kids in a better school district. We want to be able to watch them so that Rose can get a job, if she wants to. Every night we worry about you guys in that neighborhood and it would make us incredibly happy to be able to help you get on your feet so that you can fulfill some of your dreams."

Rose examined her nails for a moment. "Why didn't you just say so?"

"We didn't want you to think we were forcing ourselves on you," Esme squeaked. "We…I didn't want you to think that we aren't proud of the people you are and I didn't want you to get the impression that we want to change you. So, we wanted you to think that this was all for our benefit."

"Which it is," Carlisle said with a grin.

Tears filled my eyes as I watched the honest exchange between the two families. Every single one of these people had kind souls and good hearts. After I'd escaped Oklahoma, I didn't think that people like this existed since I'd just spent most of my time in the presence of pure evil. I thought that everyone had a streak of mean in them somewhere; you just had to dig sometimes to find it. But these people, these beautiful people, were so good and I felt honored to be part of their lives. Each one of them had made a positive impact on my life and if I never saw them again, I'd be a better person for meeting them.

Rose sighed. "You'd have to let me do all the cleaning." Esme's face lit up a little. "And the laundry."

"Okay," she said with hope dripping from her tone.

"Plus, you have to yell at Emily…a lot."

"Hey!" Emily chimed in.

Rose ignored her. "You can't let them get away with being disrespectful, even if they are cute."

Esme giggled like a cheerleader. "I can yell like the best of them."

Emily frowned.

"You really want to do this?" Emmett asked. "The McCarty family can be pure chaos sometimes."

Carlisle's smile was wide. "That's what we're counting on."

Rose was muffling a sob in her hands and I put my arm around her. Esme stood up, walked over to Rose and wrapped her in her arms.

"Why are you doing this for us?" Rose asked wetly against Esme's shoulder. "There's nothing in this for you."

Esme chuckled. "You have no idea how much is in this for Carlisle and me."

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: What do you think? The McCarty's moving in with The Cullens? A dysfunctional Brady Bunch? Any favorite parts to this chapter? Personally, I'm liking the bathroom scene but I'm a little pervy so... Any one else a little pervy? _**

**_So, I'm still working on the next chapter. Yes, you've caught up with my writing. I'm hoping to stick to my schedule but if I don't, I'm sorry. I will post next week, though - I promise. :) Reviews make me write faster... just sayin'._**


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